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TotalBiscuit

British game commentator (1984-2018)

The following is a list of quotes by TotalBiscuit (real name John Bain, 8 July 1984 – 24 May 2018), a video game critic and YouTube personality.

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is TotalBiscuit.

WTF Is…? series

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No Time to Explain

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  • "Okay, so tiny…Build's… Waaait a second…"
  • "What the 'ell just happened?!"
  • "I. Want. The. Hat!"
  • "Engaging Dance Mode!"

Day One: Garry's Incident (October 1, 2013)

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Original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjTa_x3rbJE
  • "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is TotalBiscuit. I'm here to ask and answer one simple question: W-T-F is Day One: Garry's Incident?" [Beat] "Garry with two R's, so you know he's serious."
  • "You hear them? Everyone instantly died. And I have no idea why."
  • "Behold: my amazing fighting technique, passed down from generation to generation in the illustrious Garry line. Anyway, as I was saying…"
  • "Oh look, everybody instantly died again! What the hell was that? What killed me?"
  • "What?! Where the hell did that come from?!" … "Behold! The worst textured panther in the history of video games!"
  • "What the hell killed me?! I had half health! Why did I just immediately die?! I don't understand what's happening!"
  • "Maybe it has quick save?" [Silence.] "…No. Of—Of course, that would be asking too much."
  • "You better save regularly if you intend to play this, 'cause you will just…die. From anything! At random! With no prior warning!"
  • "I'm pretty sure that macaw is also…up to no good…"
  • "Can I… WHAT?! Whaaaaat?! I hit him five times—three times in the back and he doesn't even know that I'm here!" [laughs] "Why is this game?! I'm not even gonna ask what is this game!"
  • "What?! Now he realizes?! Oh—screw everything about this! I'm sorry; I can't take another minute of this dreadful thing!"
  • [groan] "I—It is—What is it with this year and awful video games?! We've had Ride to Hell: Retribution, and we've had this, and I don't know which is worse."
  • "Behold! The Floating Aborigine Tribesman thingy! And his—"
  • "This is a full release…! This is a full release! It is not Early Access! This is not a beta, guys! Seriously, I am not lying to you! And this is after about three patches! This game is a f**king disaster!"
  • "It is a wasted concept [by] a studio that evidently does not have the talent necessary to create something of this complexity, and my god did they screw it up! This is this year's Revelations 2012! And more to the point—it's even got a Revelations 2012 armgun! It's—[beat]—god…! It is…just…horrendously bad!"
  • "This monkey is running backwards and forwards! This tribesman right here—" [starts swinging his machete in an attempt to get the tribesman's attention] "Hi."
  • "Let me guess: if I stand up, he's gonna see me immediately?" [stands up; tribesman attacks him] "Of course."

Guise of the Wolf (January 26, 2014)

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Original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZB8YRafUfCY
  • "So, if all you do with WTF Is…? is to figure out whether or not a game is worth buying, you can just stop watching right now. It isn't. You should avoid it like the plague, because it is absolutely terrible. If you're curious as to why, however…" [chuckles] "Oh, I will show you."
  • [demonstrating the pickpocket mechanic] "I kid you not. That's actually Garry's Incident level of terrible."
  • [watching a character's ridiculous idle animation] "Who—? Nobody—Nobody does that!"
  • "Are you ready for the jumpscare? …No, you're not."
  • "I now present to you the fairest maiden—what the hell is wrong with your face?"
  • "Oh, fair maiden… If only I could fix the voids that exist in your fair…visage… Ugh!" [laughs incredulously] "That's one hell of a makeup accident."

Research stream

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Original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ask3Dn1ocIQ
  • "Oh no—I can clip through the rock, too. You are f**king kidding me."
  • "I think we may have found 2014's Garry's Incident. Ho-lee sh*t."
  • "'What do you think you're doing?! Helps to have a map!' Also, 'Can you find the missing parts of my face?'"
  • "Don't even tell me about the map. Don't even. Where's the keyhole?"
  • "They didn't render a keyhole! …F**k!"
  • "You were transparent a minute ago!"

Insurgency (standalone) (January 29, 2014)

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Original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMxjlHU9u38
  • "We will not join enemy server." [catches himself] "'Enemy server', what? Let's try that again—empty server. I do want enemies."
  • "So. What's missing? Well, there's no crosshairs."
  • "…Why am I even whispering? It's not like they're actually gonna hear me."
  • "…So really, it's just y—" [enemy player kills him] "—oh, dammit!—you, your gun, and your friends."
  • "Oh, goddamn! What the hell?!" [opens fire, then laughs] "Suppressing fire!"
  • [to a teammate, who just shot at him] "I[t]—Don't shoot me!" [chuckles] "What's wrong with you?"

The Content Patch

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Episode 122

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Original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyYQnsaJiUI
  • [about Phil Fish leaving the game industry] "My first reaction, when thinking about covering this, was just to finish by saying, 'NNNope!' and go straight onto the next segment."

Episode 182 - Double Fine & Spacebase DF-9 under fire

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Original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAd8Ls8Mwl4
  • "So to break down what they're saying there, they claim that they have run out of time and money."

Episode 183 - Ubisoft's "double bill of delusion"

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Original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whblEgTZ6GE
  • "…Yeah, and that was just the damn start of it, because Ubisoft simply cannot shut UP!"
  • "The last part of that statement is the only thing that's true."
  • "Ubisoft, I just want to like your games. Why won't you let me!"

Hearthstone series

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Too Many Traps 2 (April 25, 2014)

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Original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wO7FJ_S4UDs
  • "MAGES!"
  • "WHAT?! YOU FFFFFFFfffffff…" [Silence.] "…I just lost. I just lost…!"
  • "Yes! It is—n-no! Nooo! NOOOOO! Why would you have that happen?! That was a win! Ahhhhhhhh!"

Randuin 2 Electric Boogaloo (January 13, 2015)

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Original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zotQ0lW25o
  • "It's an Avenge?! Ahhhh! Oh, no! …I was bamboozled!"
  • "…I am a stupid, stupid man. I am a very, very dumb person. I…" [laughs in self-deprication] "He has an Auchenai Soulpriest! Why would you do that?! What is wrong with you?!"
  • "Should've played the bloody Sky Golem. And now he's got my other one. Give it BACK!"

The Co-Optional Podcast

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Episode 56

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Original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2_gzbG-nLQ
Nick "Babylonian" Robinson: Yeah, just put a timestamp in the description that's like: "Click here if you don't give a sh*t about anime."
TB: [amused] "Click here to avoid swimming anime"! "And Titanic references"!
TB: [talking about Assassin's Creed: Unity's subpar optimization] Do you remember when they released the minimun specs [for the game] and everyone thought, "They're having a laugh, aren't they? That can't possibly be real!"

[At that moment, Dodger's call abruptly cuts out.]

TB: [sees it] Whoa, we lost Dodger. She can't possibly be real, either, but nevermind. I'm sure she'll come back eventually.
TB: …guess who likes looking at wall textures? [waves his hands] Meee! They're terrible! They look awful!
TB: …sometimes, they change outfits! And hairstyles! And hats! Out of nowhere! I [ran into] this guy who had a grey wig; [he] was a judge of some description. I get up to him, and he's wearing a f**king flak cap and I'm pretty sure he just gender-shifted! It was ludicrous! I had character models with holes in them! I walked up to this guy; there's a hole where his breast is supposed to be! What the hell happened to you?! My god, the French Revolution was a tough f**king time! This guy had his pectoral burned out! I can see right through it! It's horrifying!

Other videos

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An Early Look at Outlast

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Original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4IRTJp5TryY
  • "So far, the game has done a really good job of not throwing a lot of jumpscares at me, and that worries me even more. [goes to open door] If you blow your load too quickly with jumpscares—"
    [TB opens door. Cue jumpscare.]
    "AHHHHH! Jesus Christ. F**k! I hate you so much right now! God-dammit! Anyway!"

This video is no longer available: The Day One[:] Garry's Incident Incident

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Original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfgoDDh4kE0
  • "Critique exists to protect consumers from unscrupulous companies, and is a necessary part of our society. Wild Games Studio disagrees."
  • "'We protected our copyright because TotalBiscuit has no right to make advertising revenues with our license.' Stephane Woods is lying, and here's why."
  • "Stephane replied within 24 hours and gave us a review code. These are the facts. It's unthinkable that Stephane could possibly believe that we had no intention of monetizing the content."
  • "I think you can see this is not an innocent developer being attacked and abused by some YouTuber out to profiteer from their hard work. This is a developer who has repeatedly acted in an underhanded way, and continues to do so to this very day. A developer that not only cannot take criticism, but actively goes out to censor it with the sole purpose of selling as many copies of their wretched disaster of a game as possible."
  • "Critique makes this industry better. But it's under attack. YouTube's policies allow for flagrant abuse of the copyright system to censor review and critique, and it has to stop."

Should you preorder video games?

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Original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mf5Uj4XIT1Y
  • "We as consumers have the ability to stop this bullshit for good. And we're the only ones who can do that. Publishers aren't gonna do it. Devs aren't gonna do it. It's up to you: will you be part of that solution? Will you help fix this? Or will you continue to be part of the problem? I guess that's up to you."

WTF Research Stream for Nidhogg (feat. Genna Bain)

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Original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykDW1dWU7Fs
TotalBiscuit: Now I will be eaten by a giant snake! [gets eaten by a giant snake]
Genna: No—What?! Okay, wait a minute—that's what you get for winning?!
TotalBiscuit: Yes, you are eaten by Nidhogg, the giant snake.
Genna: What kind of dumb game is this?!
TotalBiscuit: Well, it's the one where you are eaten by Nidhogg, the giant snake.
TotalBiscuit: Fight me! Fight me! Uh—don't fight me.
TotalBiscuit: Bullsh*t! TotalBullsh*t!

Audio blogs

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Worms World Party Remastered b******s

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  • "I'd love to show you Wormnet, but I'm not gonna risk it, because Wormnet shows your IP address!"
  • "That shows an obscene! lack of foresight!"
  • "If I haven't made my point clear, let me just spell it out: don't. This is absolutely awful."
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