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Tommy Boy

1995 film by Peter Segal

Tommy Boy is a 1995 film about an incompetent, immature, and dimwitted son of an auto parts magnate who has had everything handed to him in life. After the death of his father, the goof-off learns his father's business is in serious trouble, and he must seek the aid of an executive who had to earn his status the hard way in order to sell his company's merchandise, or else his business will go bankrupt and many people in town will lose their livelihoods.

Directed by Peter Segal. Written by Bonnie Turner and Terry Turner.
If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards.

Tommy Callahan

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  • [repeated line] Son of a... That's gonna leave a mark.
  • [repeated line] Holy schnikes!
  • [repeated line] Shut up, Richard!
  • Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn't the end. No way. We're gonna show this world a thing or two. We're going to show... [passes out]
  • Professor posts final exam results Sorry, pardon me. Can I just check this out? D-plus? Oh, my god. I passed! I passed! Oh, man! I got a D-Plus! hugs a student standing next to him I'm going to graduate! I wish we'd known each other. This is a little awkward.
  • Brothers don't shake hands, brothers gotta hug!
  • [Singing, in an attempt to cheer up Richard] Fat guy in a little coat! Fat guy in a little coat!
  • [During first day in his Father's brake pad division] I was just checking the specs on the endline for the...rotary...girder... I'm retarded.
  • Were you watching Spanktravision? Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian. Oh, what's his name? Buddy...Whack-it?
  • What my associate is trying to say is that, uh, our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even going to believe it. Like, um, let's say you're driving along the road with your family. And you're driving along la li la. And then, all of the sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. Err! Whoa, that was close. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the 'other guy's' brake pads. You're driving along. You're driving along and all of the sudden the kids are yelling from the backseat, 'I got to go to the bathroom, daddy!', 'Not now, damn it!', truck tire, eeeee, 'I can't stop!'. Help! There's a cliff! Aah! And your family's screaming 'Oh my god, we're burning alive!' 'No! I can't feel my legs!'. In comes the meat wagon. And the medic gets out and says, 'Oh, my god.'. New guy's in the corner puking his guts out. All because... you want to save a couple of extra pennies. To me, it doesn't...
  • [During the pretend "bee" attack] Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they're huge and they're sting crazy! They're ripping my flesh off! Run away, your firearms are useless against them!
  • If I wanted a kiss, I would've called your mother.
  • Not here, or here so much... but right 'here'.
  • Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa, or is it Spanky? Sinner.
  • Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died. We just killed Bambi. I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAMNED BRIDGE ABUTMENT!
  • You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, cuz I'll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!
  • [Sitting on a park bench with Richard] Boy this is the worst. My so called "family" deserts me. Michelle's mad at me. I've lost the factory, the town's going under and I'm out of a job. [Bench collapses under him] ...Could've done without that.
  • R.T. I lost my virginity to your daughter for crying out loud..........Rob, you were there.

Richard Hayden

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  • [After watching Tommy wolf down fries and squirt ketchup into his mouth] Ugh! I can actually hear you getting fatter .
  • It's called reading, you know, top to bottom, left to right. A group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps.
  • It's the next town, tons-of-fun. It's got to be there. Okay, where's Moron? [points to Tommy] Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport...
  • Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. He'll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he's never been laid. Exits, okay, there's one back here, and there's uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually. And what about seatbelts? To fasten, take the little end stick it in the big end and... hey, know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button, and Tommy will come back there and hit you over the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard. Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.
  • He's a big, dumb animal, isn't he folks?
  • Ugh, why do you always have to de-turd these things? Look at this one, caught him after Thanksgiving feast, I think I'm gonna need a pooperscooper.
  • Ugh, I just barfed on an anthill. Cool. Ugh, I think they're pissed.
  • Yikes.

Others

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  • Big Tom Callahan: Of course, I can get a good look at a T-Bone steak by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it.
  • Quit playing with your dinghy.
  • Michelle Brock: Listen up, you little spazoids! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you!
  • Ray Zalinkski: Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, "Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z."
  • Kids:
  • Hey you ain’t moving!
  • No you need to drop a couple hundred pounds Blimp!
  • Hey Gilligan, did you eat the skipper?!
  • Hey lady, there's a fat whale on your boat! ya, free willy
  • Your sail is limp, like your dick!
  • Cow Farmer: Hey! Get off my property!

Dialogue

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Young Richard: Late again, Tommy. You're pathetic.
Young Tommy: Shut up, Richard!
Tommy is bullcharging across campus as he is late to a final exam. He makes it just as the professor is handing out exam sheets
Question #1: Some of the Framers of the United States Constitution included Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and _____ Hancock.
Tommy: (writes down) Herbie.
Tommy: [gets off the airplane] Richard Hayden!
Richard: Tommy.
Tommy: Where's my Dad? I thought he was supposed to pick me up at the airport?
Richard: He was at the airport this morning, but you weren't on the plane.
Tommy: He said he had a surprise for me.
Richard: Maybe. I guess that's why you should've called.
Tommy: I did call, earlier, when... using the phone.
Richard: Earlier? When was that?
Tommy: Er... later... When, when then I, I left a message.
Richard: A message? What number did you call?
Tommy: Two... four.. niner... five, six seven...
Richard: I can't hear you, you're trailing off. And did I hear a "niner" in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy: No, it was cordless.
Richard: You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.
Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated.
Richard: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.
Tommy: Hey, you know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard: I know. They're called doctors. [looks behind Tommy as his luggage comes out] Oh, that has to be you.

[Tommy grabs his luggage, which is all his stuff in a black trash bag]

Richard: You spray that thing for bugs?
[Tommy spills M&M's all over the dashboard]
Richard: Oh, that sounds good! Melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.
Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. Surprised you didn't know that.
Richard: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
Tommy: Your... your brain has the fuckin' shell on it.
Richard: Are you talking?
Tommy: Shut up, Richard.
Tommy: Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright.
Paul: Does it make a difference?
Tommy: Oh yeah! Wait a second, is this your first time?
Paul: Yeah Tommy, it is.
Tommy: God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before! Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.
Paul: And?
Tommy: They fall over.
Paul: And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?
Tommy: We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas!
Tommy: Man, did I get douched with mud!
Paul: Hey, chucko, that doesn't smell like mud. [he begins to spray Tommy with a hose]
Tommy: Oh, man, that's cold! [he dances and starts singing] I'm a maniac, maniac on the floor! And I'm dancin' like I've never danced before! [Paul then sprays him in the face to clean the mud off]
Paul: Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
Tommy: [laughs] Why?
Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard: No, your face does.
[Richard tries to fix Tommy's tie, but it falls off]
Tommy: [laughs] It's a clip.
Richard: Ha ha, you sure? All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no--
Tommy: No shit from anyone!
Richard: No.
Tommy: Um, we don't take no prisoners!
Richard: We don't take no for answer.
Tommy: Oh yeah.
Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm.
Richard: Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.
Tommy: Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Mr. Brady: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
Tommy: No, what I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard: Wow...
Mr. Brady: Boy, I'm at a loss for words here -
Tommy: Forget it, I quit, I can't do this any more, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamned bridge abutment!
Richard: [to Mr. Brady; pulls out a business card] We'll keep in touch.
Richard: Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
Tommy: Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
Richard: True. But you can't latch the hood too well, if you don't take the can out, you no-selling waste of space! I swear to God, you're worthless!
Tommy: I'm sorry about your car, but don't call me worthless. I'm trying my best. I'm not my dad.
Richard: That's right, you're not your dad! He can sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves.
Tommy: Ketchup popsicle?
Richard: Yeah, I learned everything I know from him. I didn't have a father, but he looked out for me. But you, he was your father and you just took it for granted. "Hey, look, I'm Big Tom's son. He can fix anything, so I'm allowed to be a moron!"
Tommy: THAT'S IT!! Come on! Get out of the car! It's go time, you and me!
Richard: [imitating a little kid] Look, mommy, the rhino's getting too close to the car.
Tommy: [imitating a mother] Him too afraid to get out, he just a little guy.
Richard: That's it. I'm gonna wail on you [gets out of the car] You're going to regret volunteering for this job.
Tommy: Hey, boys and girls, It's Papa Smurf!
Richard: You don't want none of me, think it through.
Tommy: Come on, Gimme your best shot. I'll give you a free one Let me have it. [Richard punches Tommy in the face] That's it? Come on. you can do better than that, can't ya, Captain Limp Wrist? Try again! [Richard punches him in the face again] Hey everybody, Is there a window open? I feel a draft! [Richard punches Tommy in the stomach, then punches him in the face again] If I wanted a kiss, I would've called your mother! [Richard then strikes Tommy in the face with a 2x4 piece of wood, which breaks in half] That was a good one. [is knocked out as he drops to the ground]
Richard: [drops the broken 2x4 and looks up at the abandoned Prehistoric Forest] Hey, Prehistoric Forest.
Tommy: Hey, what's your name?
Helen: Helen.
Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. Now the pet is my possible sale. [holds a dinner roll] Oh, my pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stroke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe, I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go [makes ripping noises as he tears apart the dinner roll] OOOOOOHHH! I killed it! I killed my sale! And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?
Helen: God, you're sick. Tell ya what, I'll go turn the fryers back on and throw on some wings for you.
Tommy: Hey, thanks, Helen. [in a childish voice] Tommy likey. Tommy want wingy!
Richard: [to Tommy, regarding his street-wise scenario] Did that board to the head knock something loose?
Tommy: Why?
Richard: That 180 you just pulled with the waitress. Why can't you sell like that?
Tommy: I was just havin' fun.
Tommy: Chicken wings! Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.
Ted Nelson: Go on, I'm listening.
Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.
Ted Nelson: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
Ted Nelson: What's your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Buildin' model airplanes!" says the little fairy, well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off your dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I've seen it a hundred times.
Ted Nelson: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I've got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted Nelson: Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy: Well, that's...
Richard & Tommy{in unison}: What?
[Richard knocks on the door, impersonating the maid, while Tommy tries to sleep]
Richard: Housekeeping?
Tommy: No thank you. Sleeping.
Richard: Housekeeping?
Tommy: Come back in an hour.
Richard: Housekeeping, you want towel?
Tommy: No towels. Need sleepy.
Richard: Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow?
Tommy: Please go away let me sleep FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Richard: Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off?
Tommy: [gets out of bed] What kinda hotel is this?... [opens the door] Oh, it's you.
Richard: Good morning, sunshine.
Reservationist: Oh, I can reserve you a flight coming back from Chicago at 5:55. Does that help?
Richard: Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met?
Reservationist: I don't think so.
Richard: Mr. Callahan, I'm going to need your John Hancock on these papers.
Tommy: John Hancock, haha. It's Herbie Hancock.

Cast

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