Toast of London

Toast of London is a British sitcom.

Series 1 (2013)

Episode 1

Ed Howzer-Black: Toast, I need to inform you of something. Do you remember someone called Kikini Bamalam?

Steven Toast: I know the name.

Ed: Kikini Bamalam.

Toast: Kikini Bamalam.

Ed: Kikini Bamalam.

Toast: Stop saying it.

Ed: She's the daughter of the Nigerian ambassador. Terrific girl. Had a bit of a rough time lately. I've asked her if she'd like to come and stay here for a while.

Toast: Why?

Ed: She's been recovering from an operation.

Toast: Ah.

Ed: Unfortunately, she's addicted to cosmetic surgery. Pointless really. She's always been very attractive. But after her last painful op, she's ended up looking very much like... It's most peculiar.

Toast: Well, who? Who does she look like?

Ed: Bruce Forsyth.

Toast: Bruce Forsyth?!

Ed: Yes. Quite an uncanny likeness. They've done a radical makeover of her entire body, except for her left hand. The police arrived before they got to that.

Toast: So her hand is still...?

Ed: Yes. A sole reminder of her quintessential African beauty. It's obviously rather traumatic because she absolutely hates Bruce Forsyth. Although, I must say, I'm a bit of a fan.

Toast: Well, who isn't? All round entertainer!

Ed: Yeah.

Toast: So what are we talking here? Palladium Brucey? Generation Game Brucey? Or Strictly Brucey?

Ed: Generation Game Brucey.

Toast: Ooh.

Ed: Resembling Brucey from any era is bound to be a traumatic for an attractive African woman.

Toast: Given.

Ed: This latest surgeon she went to, an unscrupulous character, goes by the name of Beezus Fafoon.

Toast: Beezus Fafoon?

Ed: Beezus Fafoon.

Toast: I haven't heard that name in a while.

Ed: Really?

Toast: Beezus Fafoon was a pseudonym sometimes used by a rival of mine. A total prat by the name of Ray Purchase.

Ed: Ah, yes. Third rate actor, vulgar farces.

Toast: That's the one. I've been fucking his wife on an ongoing basis. He's never got used to the idea.

Ed: So, he's branched into cosmetic surgery, has he?

Toast: He's probably doing it just to get back at me. He's always been very jealous and a complete tool.

Ed: I see.

Toast: That'd be right. I can just picture the scene...

Ed: So, you think he set himself up as a rogue cosmetic surgeon to operate on a friend of a friend of yours, disfigure her and turn her into a Bruce Forsyth lookalike just to piss you off?

Toast: Yup. Thing is, I'm not even that pissed off.

Episode 3

Toast: Are we rolling?

Danny Bear: Yeah, in your own time.

Toast: Is that it, just that one word?

Danny: Yeah.

Toast: OK. Yes.

Danny: Uh, hey, Steven that was really good. Um... feeling is here that you could be a bit more positive.

Toast: More positive?

Danny: Yeah, you know, really go for it.

Toast: You want me to go for it?

Danny: Yeah.

Toast: All right. Yes!

Danny: Very, very good. Um... Let's try it without the script. It might just loosen you up a little bit. What is it, one word? You don't really need it, do you?

Toast: I probably don't need the script, it's just a word.

Danny: Yep. OK, let's do it again.

Toast: Yes!

Danny: Is that it?

Toast: Yes.

Danny: Right.

Clem Fandango: Hi, Steven?

Toast: Yes.

Clem Fandango: This is Clem Fandango.

Toast: Yes?

Clem Fandango: Can you hear me?

Toast: Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.

Clem Fandango: Honestly, this is going so great but I just think there was a little loss of energy on that last take. Maybe try one more.

Danny: OK, ready to go?

Toast: Yep.

Danny: What?

Toast: Yes!

Danny: OK.

Toast: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Y-e-e-s! Y-e-e-e-s! Y-e-e-e-s! Y-e-e-e-s! Ye-e-e-aah-e-e-s! Oh, fuck! Jesus.

Clem Fandango: Steven?

Toast: What?!

Clem Fandango: How would you feel about doing a "no"?

Jane Plough: Uptight, uncomfortable, self-conscious. They say you're the perfect man to front their Lax-A-Daisy campaign.

Toast: I'm not doing it.

Jane: Such a shame. You play constipation so beautifully. They really want you.

Toast: Who else did they ask? Portillo?

Jane: Portillo, yes.

Toast: Obvious choice.

Jane: He turned them down, he's off doing his train journeys.

Toast: You're not going to trap me into this, Jane. I'm not going to advertise laxatives. Remember Derek Sibling?

Jane: Yes, Derek Sibling! Now, he was very good.

Toast: Brightest in his year at RADA. Trod out one of the best Henry V's this fella's ever seen. All going well for him, and he bursts onto the TV clutching his guts, advertising laxatives. Then... good night, sweetheart.

Episode 6

Jane Plough: Where are your shoes?

Toast: Lloyd Webber took them.

Jane: Bloody poker. How much did you lose?

Toast: I owe him £20,000.

Jane: Well, I expect you'll be receiving a visit from Michael Ball soon, then.

Toast: Michael Ball?

Jane: Yes. Ball is Lloyd Webber's enforcer. Has been for years. Anyone owes LW money, Ball picks it up. Obviously, he doesn't have to do it, but it gives him something to do in the day between shows and winning awards.

Ray Purchase: Toast! I thought I could smell cheap aftershave and bullshit!

Jane Plough: The finer details must have been on the attachment and I don't normally read attachments.