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Thumb Wars

1999 film by Steve Oedekerk

Thumb Wars: The Phantom Cuticle is a 1999 film about thumbs dressed up as puppets to create a spoof of the space drama Star Wars with characters such as Loke Groundrunner (parody of Luke Skywalker), Princess Bunhead (parody of Princess Leia), Oobedoob Scoobydooby Benubi (parody of Obi-Wan Kenobi and possibly Scooby-Doo), Hand Duet (parody of Han Solo), Crunchy (parody of Chewbacca), Beboobeep (parody of R2-D2), Prissypeo (parody of C-3PO) and Black Helmet Man (parody of arch-villain Darth Vader).

Directed by Steve Oedekerk. Written by Steve Oedekerk
Every Hand Has A Thumb...(taglines)

Dialogue

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[First lines]
Narrator: If there were Thumb's in space and they got mad with each other, there would be...
Title Card: Thumb Wars...It is a time of great unrest in the Universe. Using the nail side of the power of the Thumb, the Evil Thumbpire has taken a stronghold in the Sacul region of the Egroeg sector. The Thumbellion Resistance Fighters have retreated to a hidden base. The Thumbpire is constructing a big dangerous weapon thing with enough fire power to blow stuff up. If the Thumbellion can destroy the big dangerous weapon thing, they will live and the good side of the thumb will reign. If they don't there can be no sequels. No sequels means no merchandising, no fan clubs, no freaky guys at conventions that have way too much free time and no clear desire to date girls. Victory is imperative!
[Two thumbellion ships who were chased by the giant hand ship, who shot lasers at them. Then it hit one of the thumbellion ships]
Thumb Warrior 1: Watch Out For that Word!
[Then the ship hit the opening crawl with an explosion]
Thumb Warrior 2: We've been hit!
Prissypeo: Oh, my! This way, Beboobeep! Hurry! Hurry!
Beboobeep: Beboobeep!
Prissypeo: They'll kill us for sure! We need something we can trade for our lives!
Beboobeep: Beboobeep, boo-beep!
Prissypeo: Oh, yes, the Princess! What a marvelous idea.
Annoying Pilot: Princess Bunhead, are you alright?!
Princess Bunhead: We fight to the death!
Annoying Pilot: No! You must live to reign over all of us carrying on the great tradition of royalty and superiority by birthright. Quickly, go and take these droids! I will stay here and be killed in your place!
Princess Bunhead: Fine.
Prissypeo: Yes, yes. Come on, come on. Quickly, this way.
Annoying Pilot: [singing to himself] Waiting to be killed, waiting to be killed...
Prissypeo: [while escorting the princess] Come on, come on. Quickly, this way. Don't worry, princess. We'll keep you completely safe.
[Bunhead gasped as Black Helmet Man enters. He swished his cape around and approaches her]
Princess Bunhead: Black Helmet Man!
Black Helmet Man: Well, what do we have here? Princess Bunhead of the Thumbnail Resistance.
Thumbtrooper 1: [whispers to the other thumbtrooper] Isn't his voice amazing?
Princess Bunhead: You'll never get away with this, Black Helmet Man! You are bad! You are bad and we are good! Your badness will be the end of you, and our goodness will be our triumph! Bad is bad - good is good! Bad-bad-good-bad! Good-good-bad-good, bad. Good.
Black Helmet Man: The power is strong in you, and your silly gibberish!
Thumbtrooper 2: [to Black Helmet Man] This is the droid that promised to deliver her.
Princess Bunhead: [confused] What?
Prissypeo: [freaking out] D'oh! Bunhead's onto us! Let's get out of here!
Beboobeep: Beboobeep!
[The droids run off and launched themselves out of the ship in the escape pod]
Prissypeo: Whoo, yes! Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.
Thumbtrooper 1: Shall we go after them?
Black Helmet Man: No. That pod will take them straight to the desert, and the freaky little hooded creatures will capture them and sell them.
Thumbtrooper 1: Oh.
Black Helmet Man: [to Bunhead] Now, it is time to turn you to the Nail Side of the Thumb.
Princess Bunhead: NEVER!
Black Helmet Man: THEN you will die! [swished his cape, walks off, and tripping over a box] Oop! There goes my trick knee.
[Both Prissypeo and Beboobeep are walking on the desert planet]
Prissypeo: Well, I'm at a complete losses to where we are. Oh, look over there! Some freaky little hooded creatures. I'm sure they'll help us. Hello!
[The next scene we see is the sand crawler pulling 2 droids with strings, giving them bumps and pain]
Aunt Gonnabiteit: You're becoming a fine specimen of a man, Loke Groundrunner.
Loke Groundrunner: Well, a lot of good that does me here. I wanna join the Thumbellion Resistance. I wanna make something of myself, be of use to someone.
Uncle Soondead: Well you're plenty useful here, Loke. The harvest is soon and...and you'll be getting help. I bought some new droids from the freaky little hooded creatures. The tall one is effeminate and annoying. And I think the little one has an amputee inside!
Loke Groundrunner: [whining] Harvest, harvest, harvest. All you care about is the stupid harvest! You don't care about me. I wanna see the universe! [squealing] YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM INSIDE! YOU NEVER HAVE! I'M GONNA RUN AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK, EVER! [throws his dinner plate and storms out crying]
Uncle Soondead: Whoo, What a whiner that kid is. [chuckles] You got a pea on your head, dear.
[Loke goes outside as he continues to cry. The sun revolves around another sun]
Oobeedoob Benubi: [appears] Crying is for little girls, babies, and men who just had their ears ripped off.
Loke Groundrunner: [sniffs] Who are you?
Oobeedoob Benubi: [pulls off his hood] I am Oobeedoob Benubi, I have the silliest name in the galaxy.
Loke Groundrunner: What's your middle name?
Oobeedoob Benubi: Scooby-dooby.
Loke Groundrunner: Oobeedoob Scooby-dooby Benubi?
Oobeedoob Benubi: One and the same, and you must be...the crybaby.
Loke Groundrunner: No one understands me. What do you want anyway?
Oobeedoob Benubi: I've come to retrieve my digits.
Prissypeo: WOO!
Loke Groundrunner: Your digits?! But my uncle just bought those!
Oobeedoob Benubi: [mocking voice] "My uncle just bought those." [sighs and speaks in normal voice] Man, you are a whiner. Come! The answers will be... [crosses his eyes] Rrrevealed.
[At Oobeedoob's place, they helped Beboobeep turning on the hologram message, who turned out to the image of Princess Bunhead]
Loke Groundrunner: [enchanted] Oh, my. She's beautiful.
[They see her picking her nose with her index finger]
Loke Groundrunner and Oobeedoob Benubi: [grossed out] Eeeewwww!
Loke Groundrunner: She must not have known it was recording.
Oobeedoob Benubi: Well, perhaps we should turn this off.
Loke Groundrunner: No, she's stopping.
Princess Bunhead: Ahem. Oobeedoob Benubi, I pray this message finds you well. Black Helmet Man is building a big, dangerous weapon thing. I've been captured, but I'm holding key information that the resistance needs in order to prepare a frontal attack. Help me, Oobeedoob Benubi. Oobeedoob, Oobeedoob, Oobeedooby dooby.
Loke Groundrunner: Wait, scan back.
[The message is rewinded]
Oobeedoob Benubi: What do you see? [Loke stares at Bunhead's panties under her dress] Oh, dear. [sees it as well] Ah.
[Iris out]
Loke Groundrunner: I want to help more than anything, but my Uncle Soondead and Aunt Gonnabiteit need me to help with the harvest.
Oobeedoob Benubi: [alarmed] Wait a second, what are their names?
Loke Groundrunner: Soondead and Gonnabiteit? [realizes] Oh my gosh! [goes back to his home, and finds his Uncle Soondead and Aunt Gonnabiteit dead in shock] Oh! They've been clipped! Oh! Who could've done such a thing as this?!
Oobeedoob Benubi: This is the work of Black Helmet Man.
Loke Groundrunner: Who?
Oobeedoob Benubi: Your father - I-I mean a man who's farther, a farther away man.
Loke Groundrunner: Whoever he is, he must be bad. I will go with you and fight.
Oobeedoob Benubi: Oh, big sacrifice; everyone you know is dead. Glad you could tear yourself away. All right. If you're going, we must do this correctly. Touch your tongue to mine.
Loke Groundrunner: [confused] What?
Oobeedoob Benubi: Your tongue, touch it to mine.
Loke Groundrunner: Why?
Oobeedoob Benubi: To make it official.[opens his mouth]
Loke Groundrunner: To make what official?
Oobeedoob Benubi: [annoyed] You know, all of it! Never mind, then we're off.
Wise Council Member: Lord Helmut Man, after our first victory, we have all but wiped out the resistance.
Black Helmet Man: Not good enough. I will allow no rest until the Thumbellion is totally neutralized.
Unwise Council Member: Excuse me, Black Helmut Man, but our super space station can easily thwart any actions of the Thumbellion.
Black Helmet Man: Do not underestimate the power of the Thumb.
Unwise Councel Member: Oh, don't try to scare us with your ooby-dooby magic talk, Helmet Man. Your "I'm a horrifying warlock and I'm going to get you with my mystic potions!" talk sickens me. I laugh at your "I'm a frightening wizard" threats of hostility. Why don't you gather some frog legs and eyes of a newt, and conjure up a potion that can get you your face back, and perhaps make you one mere ounce less pathetic than you truly are! [Helmet Man starts to choke him] Or not! [Helmet Man pops his head off]
Black Helmet Man: Any other comments?
British Thumb Officer: I have a question. Why do we all speak with British accents when we're from outer space and there is no Britain?
[After a brief pause, Black Helmet Man pops the officer's head off]
[They're riding on Loke's speeder to Nidua spaceport]
Oobeedoob Benubi: [to Loke] In Nidua, we should be able to find a pilot that can take us to Daldar. Remember, these houses are the sludge of the universe. If you're wearing any female clothing underneath, keep it tucked in.
[Behind them are Prissypeo and Beboobeep, who are still dragged by the ropes that gave them more bumps and pains]
Big Toe: [to Thumby the bartender] So I tell them, "If you're gonna be calling the shots, you're gonna be calling them from Alpha Century 6."
Toe 3: You tell them! Straight up!
Toe 1: You're the master, you're the master!
[Baby Toe is whining]
Big Toe: Hey!
[All the toes are now quiet]
Hand Duet: All right, you thumbs, let's get down to business. I'm Han Duet, and this is Crunchy. [Crunchy growls] A one-armed man killed my wife Sabrina, a working girl. Now I'm a fugitive and in clear and present danger. I should be presumed innocent, but they're playing patriot games with me - Raiders, Regarding Henry, Blade Runner, Air Force One...
Loke Groundrunner: I'm sorry, what was that last part?
Hand Duet: Look, I'm trying to keep a low profile here. I owe Gabba the Butt a lot of money and he's right over there.
[Right over there]
Gabba the Butt: [with English subtitles] Look over there, it's Indiana Ford! Oh ho-ho-ho-ho!
Han Duet: If you need a pilot, I'm the best, there is. My ship's the fastest, there is. But it's gonna cost you a lot. I don't take money, only girly giggles.
Loke Groundrunner: What do you mean?
Han Duet: You've got to giggle like a girl, half now and half when we reach Daldar.
Oobeedoob Benubi: What if we should choose not to?
Han Duet: Looks like you don't have much choice. [a few thumbtroopers arrived, causing Loke and Oobeedoob to giggle like girls] That'll do for the advance. Let's go.
Black Helmet Man: [to Princess Bunhead] And now, princess, the time has come for you to share with me: the location of the thumbnail resistance.
Princess Bunhead: I'll never tell you a thing.
Black Helmet Man: That is a bad attitude. I think perhaps we could clip it on your buns. [evil laugh]
[Then the black robotic ball appears with the giant nail clipper. The door closes as one of the officers walks by]
Prissypeo: [cuddling with Beboopeep] Oh, Beboobeep, how did you get so soft? [seeing the group, who have returned] Whoa! [he and Beboopeep stand up quickly] Oh, uh, there was a couple of loose bolts and one thing led to another, um...
Han Duet: Well, there she is, gents. Han's Hand!
[The ship revealed to be literally made of hand]
Loke Groundrunner: I'm not flying in that, I want my giggle back! [Thumbtroopers appeared and start shooting the group with blasters] Shotguns!
Han Duet: Come on! [the group entered the ship, avoiding getting hit with lasers. He shoots the troopers before entering his ship. He and Crunchy turned on the ship, which flies out of the planet] Okay, hang on! We're going to warp!
[They jumped into lightspeed in hyperspace]
Black Helet Man: You've managed to endure the clippers quite well, princess.
Princess Bunhead: I needed a trim.
Black Helmet Man: Commander Cuticle!
[Screen turned on to reveal a different planet]
Princess Bunhead: [alarmed] That's my home planet Daldar!
Black Helmet Man: Not for long. [to the officer] You may fire when ready!
Princess Bunhead: No, you can't! [giving in] All right, I'll tell you. Aldooney. The thumbellian resistance base is on Aldooney. Now leave Daldar be. You said you wouldn't blow it up if I told you!
Black Helmet Man: But I didn't say anything about...spinning it. [evil laugh]
Princess Bunhead: [shocked] NO!!
Black Helmet Man: [to the officer] SPIN THE PLANET! [an officer fired the green laser, which made Daldar spin in circles] Let's play 'spin the planet', princess! Spin it faster!
[One citizen from Daldar is hanging on to the stop sign while planet spins]
Oobeedoob Benubi: D'oooooohhh!!!
Loke Groundrunner: What is it, Oobi?
Oobeedoob Benubi: I can feel the wailing of thousands of nauseous souls. The Dim Side of the Thumb is gaining in strength.
Han Duet: [scoffs] Power of the Thumb. Don't believe any of that crap, kid.
Loke Groundrunner: How far are we from Daldar, anyway?
Han Duet: Not much further, it should be just beyond that moon.
Oobeedoob Benubi: [eyes widen] That's no moon...
[Revealing Han's butt crack with his pants down]
Han Duet: Oh, sorry. Let me hike these up. [quickly pulls up his pants, Crunchy growls] What is it, Crunchy?
Loke Groundrunner: Am I the only one that he creeps out?
Han Duet: No, me too, at first. [upon seeing the Thumb Star] Whoa, what is that?! Is that the space station?! [then the tractor beam is pulling the ship] I've lost control! They're pulling us in!
Black Helmet Man: Well, Oobeedoob, we meet again.
Oobeedoob Benubi: Give up, Black Helmet Man! You cannot triumph! [pulls off his hood and ignite his blue thumbsaber]
Black Helmet Man: We'll see about that. [ignite his own red thumbsaber and start a duel while making sound effects] So weak, old man.
[They continued to duel with more sound effects]
Loke Groundrunner: [to himself] Come on, Oobi.
Black Helmet Man: Tell me, old man, are you still as easily tricked as you were before?
Oobeedoob Benubi: Not on your life, sonny!
Black Helmet Man: TOUCH DOWN! [Oobeedoob does a cheering pose] Ha! [then kills Oobeedoob, who vanishes]
Loke Groundrunner: [slow motion] NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Hand Duet: [also in slow motion] NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Prissypeo: [same as the other two] NOOOOOOO!!!!!
Crunchy: [roars in slow motion] RRROOOOAAAARRR!!!!!
Beeboobeep: [slow motion] BEE-BOO-BEEEEEEEEP!!!!!
Voice of Oobeedoob Benubi: Run, Loke!
Loke Groundrunner: Oobeedoob? You're still here?
Voice of Oobeedoob Benubi: Yes, in spirit!
Loke Groundrunner: That's kinda creepy.
Voice of Oobeedoob Benubi: [clearly annoyed] Run.
Loke Groundrunner: Okay, come on!
[As they entered back in the ship, Han proceeds to shoot the troopers]
Princess Bunhead: I escaped somehow. Let's go.
[With the princess on board, they escaped the Thumb Star]
Loke Groundrunner: [depressed] I can't believe he's gone.
Voice of Oobeedoob Benubi: I'm not gone, really.
Loke Groundrunner: [remembers] Oh yeah, I forgot.
Princess Bunhead: [to Loke] Thank you for saving me. [noticing Han, who smiles smuggly] Who are you?
Loke Groundrunner: Hey, don't let the fact that he's more manly than me cause you're thinking.
[Crunchy growls softly]
Han Duet: Good idea, we'll wait inside that meteor until things cool off.
[They flew inside the giant meteor]
[Arriving inside the giant meteor]
Loke Groundrunner: Funny, I feel like I'm supposed to be here. [hearing strange noises] Who's there? [still hearing noises] Show yourself! [a creature appeared] Who are you?
The Puppet: I am a puppet.
Loke Groundrunner: I'm sorry?
[Long pause]
The Puppet: Hand goes into puppet. Arm follows Hand. Hand manipulates mouth.
[Another long pause]
Loke Groundrunner: I'm...not following.
The Puppet: Beneath the floor, the Man does control me, yes!
Loke Groundrunner: I feel in my spirit, I am to train under you, so I too, can become a Thumb Master.
The Puppet: Train you will I. Train you I will. Yes! Step one: Touch your tongue to mine. [opens his mouth, which confuses Loke]
[While Loke is training as a Thumb Master with his own blue thumbsaber, Puppet holds the rod which carries the piñata. The piñata shocks Loke's eyes and crotch with red lightning]
Puppet: Reach out for your inner feelings! [the piñata shocks Loke even more] Use the Power of the Thumb!
[The piñata does it again]
Princess Bunhead: [laughing] I think you've blocked that one!
[The group laughs as Loke is still getting shocked by the piñata]
Puppet: That's enough! You're hit! [laughs]
Loke Groundrunner: Am I a Master now?
[Crunchy laughs with a growl]
Puppet: Sure, a Master, you are! Yes! [laughs]
Loke Groundrunner: Great, then I will go lead the Thumbellion Resistance to victory!
[The group is still laughing]
Instructor: [serious] What we have in the Thumb Star is the greatest weapon of mass destruction the universe has ever seen. [enthusiastically] Luckily, they included the button right here. It'll blow the entire thing up!
Princess Bunhead: That's odd. Why would they include the button that could destroy their entire station?
Instructor: You got me, if I was designing it, I would have left that out!
Pilot 1: How will we find this button, sir?
Instructor: That's the best part: they built this corridor that leads right to it. You just zip in, follow the straight line and fire.
Princess Bunhead: Why would they do that?
Instructor: You got me, but isn't it great?!
Pilots: Yahoo!
Loke Groundrunner: But Han, you have to come with us.
Han Duet: No thanks, kid. This isn't my battle.
Princess Bunhead: And I thought we meant something to each other.
Han Duet: Hey look, I don't get clipped for anybody but myself, and I don't care how good your buns are. I got my giggles and I'm out of here.
Princess Bunhead: Be careful, Loke.
Loke Groundrunner: Don't worry, Bunhead. Okay, thumbs! LET'S GIVE 'EM HELL! WOOHOO!!!
Pilots and Engineers: [cheering] Yeah!
Engineer: SHOOT 'EM!!! SHOOT 'EM!!! POW POW!!!
Black Helmet Man: [given a massage by the officer] Oh yeah, that hit's the spot.
Officer 1: I'm tellin' ya, sooner or later, he's just gonna squeeze this way right out.
Officer 2: It's the, uh, the resistance, Lord Helmut Man. They're making a frontal assault.
Black Helmet Man: How convenient. Bring me my fist fighter.
Naked Hillbilly Pilot: I'M NAKED!! [yokel laugh]
Loke Groundrunner: I've got three FIST Fighters coming from my left!
Annoying Pilot: Copy, Stray Dog.
Loke Groundrunner: I-I don't think I'm Stray Dog.
Annoying Pilot: Copy that, Red Rooster.
Loke Groundrunner: [annoyed] I-I don't think I’m Red Rooster either.
Annoying Pilot: No problem, Nasty Butler.
Loke Groundrunner: [having enough] I'm ending this transmission.
Pilot 1: I see it, I'll take a shot. [but one of the FIST Fighters shot the pilot, which ended in a crash] Ouch!
Loke Groundrunner: We're losing fighers! We've got to get to the button! Where's the corridor?!
Pilot 2: I see it, I'll take a shot. [reached the corridor and sets up the instrument panel] Okay, closing in. Almost there. [then one of the FIST Fighters appeared behind the pilot] A little closer, a little closer, a little closer... [as the FIST Fighter pilot aimed the target] You know, if I had to do this all over again, I think I would've entered this corridor a lot closer.
[Then the FIST Fighter pilot shoot the pilot dead]
FIST Fighter Pilot: [taunting Loke] You want some?! Come and get it! [Loke made a perfect aim, and shoot the part of the FIST fighter] YAAHH!!!
Loke Groundrunner: Okay, somebody cover me! I'm going in! [flies in the corridor, with the annoying pilot catching up]
Annoying Pilot: We got company, Swollen Ostrich.
Loke Groundrunner: [still annoyed] Oh man, it's you. [the FIST Fighter blows pilot's ship up] Thank you.
[Then the massive FIST Fighter appears, and Black Helmet Man is controlling it]
Black Helmet Man: The Thumb is strong in this one. [catches up with Loke's ship, climbs out of the FIST Fighter, and lands on the hood]
Loke Groundrunner: [takes off his helmet and encounters his foe] This ends here and now, Black Helmet Man!
[They ignite their own thumbsabers and started having a duel]
Black Helmet Man: I sense your anger, Loke. Join me on the Nail Side of the thumb!
Loke Groundrunner: NEVER!!!
[They continued dueling]
Black Helmet Man: It is your destiny. Look inside, you'll see the truth.
Loke Groundrunner: [then stops dueling] I'm feeling something strange inside! What are you doing to me?!
Black Helmet Man: [chops Loke's thumbsaber in half] Your rightful place is at my side. You know it is true.
Loke Groundrunner: [whining] What do you mean? [sniff] What does all this mean?!
Black Helmet Man: Loke, I am your...MOTHER! [takes off his suit to reveal pink dress]
Loke Groundrunner: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Black Helmet Man: [ignites his red thumbsaber] Now Mama's gonna teach you a lesson in manners! [then looks as Han Duet arrives just in time to save Loke and knocks him off the ship and fly off into space] Wait till your Father gets hooooooooome!!!!!!
Loke Groundrunner: WOOHOO!!!
Han Duet: Okay, kid! She's all yours!
Loke Groundrunner: I'm going to trust my feelings and use the Power of the Thumb.
Voice of Oobeedoob Benubi: Use the instrument panel, Loke.
Loke Groundrunner: What?
Voice of Oobeedoob Benubi: The instrument panel. That's what it's there for. Advanced weaponry designed to hit tiny targets.
Loke Groundrunner: Okay, okay. [using the instrument panel] I'm taking care of business.
[Loke launched the missle which pressed the red button. As the rest of the pilots, including Loke, Han, and Crunchy, fly away to safety, the Thumb Star blew up]
Thumb Officer: Ouch! Ow! Oh! Hot!
Loke Groundrunner: WOOHOO!!!!
[Han and Crunchy laugh]
Princess Bunhead: Yay!
Prissypeo: Marvelous!
Loke Groundrunner: We did it!
Naked Hillbilly Pilot: I'M STILL NAKED!!! [yokel laugh]
[The ceremony is held for the heroes]
Voice of Oobeedoob Benubi: [last lines] Remember, the Thumb will be with you....always.

Taglines

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  • Every Hand Has A Thumb...
  • If there were thumbs in space and they got mad at each other there would be... THUMB WARS

Cast

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