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This Movie Sucks!

television series

This Movie Sucks! is a Canadian comedy television series hosted by Ed the Sock, premièring on May 28, 2010, two years after Ed's Night Party went off the air. The show is similar to another former Ed the Sock series, Ed's Nite In. This Movie Sucks! features his Night Party co-host, Liana Kerzner and another MuchMusic personality, comedian Ron Sparks. In each two hour episode Ed has guests over to watch (and make fun of) a bad movie.

Season One

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Episode 1 - May 28, 2010 - Bride of the Gorilla

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Liana: Before we go any further, we should clarify the point of the show. There are movies that suck, then there are movies that suck!
Ed the Sock: In short: Yes, this a shit hole, but it is our shit hole!
Liana: On the brighter side, we are coming to you from a studio with a proud history of classic TV.
Ed the Sock: In fact, they've shared some of that heritage with us by leaving us a coffee maker from The Hilarious House of Frightenstein. In fact, it's the same coffee. Feel free to drink it, but sign the waiver first.
Liana: If we drink it do we dance like Igor all psychedelic?
Ed the Sock: Actually no, you just end up spasming from toxic shock.
Ed the Sock: Freeze! Did he just talk fondly of slavery?
Ron Sparks: Yeah.
Ed the Sock: All right, just wanted to make sure it wasn't me. Roll it!
Ron Sparks: That's not cola, that's the colour of the water there.
Liana: Great dinner conversation, smallpox.
Ed the Sock: Like every good movie house, we have a concession stand. Right over there.
Liana: You mean the vending machines?
Ed the Sock: Yeah, the vending machines are our concession stand.
Liana: Wasn't that in the lobby earlier?
Ed the Sock: It was doing no good there.
Charlene: Ed, did you steal them from the lobby?
Ed the Sock: I borrowed it.
Ed the Sock: Where did you learn to do that, prison?
Liana: What?
Ed the Sock: I don't know, that's always a funny thing to ask somebody.
Liana:: No, no it's not. I just made it up.
Ron Sparks: You know they make wine in prison!
Ed the Sock: So as the first scene ended, the old man fired Barney, the plantation manager. Barney likes to think that's because he has been romancing the man's wife. He doesn't think its because of the fact he screws off mid-afternoon and lets his workers die.
Liana: And doesn't care.
Ed the Sock: And has sex with one of the employees under-age daughter. He doesn't think that ought to be a firing condition.

Episode 2 - June 4, 2010 - Attack from Space

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Ed The Sock: Well, that's the pretence we are using. The real reason is we actually shot one of these episodes in studio, but it blows, so we are out here trying to save our asses. Its a bit of a "Hail Mary" play, we hope it works. If not, next week who knows what the hell will be on this timeslot.
Ed The Sock: First of all, what did these evolve from? Stop lights? And what kind of use is a robot with no fingers! And what evolutionary process would favour the creation of giant non-aquatic starfish? And why are they swaying like Tina Turner's backup dancers? Why are they wearing lamps on their head? Sorry, someone has to ask these questions!
Ed The Sock: He is the actor known as "embarrassed".
Ed The Sock: Okay, for those of you out there running for your science books, let me save you the trouble. No, there is no air in space, so no, his wings shouldn't be flapping.
Ed The Sock: Right, now what's he doing? He's wreaking their clothesline! That's going to piss 'em off!
Ed The Sock: Well, did we lie to you? This movie sucks!
Ed The Sock: On his way to Earth, he stops on an enemy star base to fuck with their clothesline, causing the men inside to fall the opposite direction of the ships tilt. I'm no scientist, but I'm pretty sure that that does not make sense.
Liana: Nice short commute to work, good thing no one would suspect that's a secret facility all those guys in white lab coats are running to!
Liana: By the way, solenoids, the super high-tech part of the ship, sell on eBay for about 25 bucks.
Ed The Sock: And why are you slinking around? Its a public street, there is nothing suspicious about two kids walking on the street. Its like a guy wearing a toupee, nobody thinks anything if he is bald, but they all point if he is wearing a toupee!
Ed The Sock: Hey, there pointing their guns at each other.
Ed The Sock: Its a subpoena, his ex-wife wants custody, something about putting their kids in repeated danger.
Ed The Sock: I like how they do not ask for ID or anything, boy, was this before 9/11.
Ed The Sock: Any publicity is good publicity, unless your in the clergy.
Ed The Sock: Back at the alien base, Yamanaka refuses to cooperate with the aliens plan, so they force him and his annoying kids into the thought eradicator, which doesn't make sense because they need his thoughts to build the spaceship. You know, the space ship they need to conquer space despite already having a spaceship that can conquer space. Did anyone bother reading the script before they filmed this crap?
Ed The Sock: Note to aliens: Hmm... might be a good idea that get doors that lock from the inside.
Ed The Sock: Hey, your the guy who keeps screwing with our laundry. Get him!
Liana: Starman, a body of steel, fists of lightning, and the battle skills of the Three Stooges.
Ed The Sock: Hey, he dropped it over the side, apparently there is air and gravity in space.
Liana: Orbit EF? Gee!
Ed The Sock: Oh, you went there.
Ed The Sock: Actually, he does, go around it. Space is big!
Ed The Sock: Quickly, fire the stock footage!
Liana: And he falls in zero gravity.
Ed The Sock: Oh no, a direct hit. Is Starman dead? Is Starman alive? Is Starman both alive and dead until someone opens the box?
Ed The Sock: Yamanaka's daughter and lab assistant find that the effects of the "thought eradicator" have faded, which means that it was never a "thought eradicator" in the first place, since eradication is not temporary. Clearly these aliens need a dictionary.
Ed The Sock: Why is everybody running? Was no one at their post?
Ed The Sock: In the penultimate chapter of Attack from Space... sorry, chapter seven. I shouldn't use such big words since watching this movie has likely lowered your IQ by ten points.
Ed The Sock: So he lets the girl get taken away while the boy and man get safely into the rocket ship.
Liana: This might be a good time to point out that Japanese culture values boys over girls.
Ed The Sock: What the hell, he's shooting people?
Liana: Maybe he got tired of pushing the same guys away over and over and over.
Ed The Sock: Well, Starman finally cracks a smile... when he starts killing people.
Ed The Sock: Now begins the longest combat scene in the history of cinema.
Ed The Sock: Its a bit tedious, lets speed it up... Hey, now its like Benny Hill, but homicidal.
Ed The Sock: Why are they shooting him one at a time?
Liana: There gentlemanly.
Ed The Sock: Dumbest... aliens... ever! There is no way these guys were smart enough to make a spaceship, I think they found a rocket ship and a copy of Mein Kampf.
Ed The Sock: Starman has finally got off his ass and shown up to save the Yamanaka's from the firing squad, beginning one of the longest and pointless scenes of hand-to-hand combat in the history of cinema. In the mele the girl is recaptured by the bad guys, while the men folk get away and prepare to launch themselves on the spaceship home. Generic scientist boy won't leave the daughter behind, but Yamanaka is clearly thinking about how much money he will save on having to pay for a wedding. Meanwhile, old stone-faced Starman finally shows some emotion. Unfortunately, the emotion is psychotic glee as he takes great pleasure in stealing guns and shooting people. Of course, he still has time to strike a pose, lucky for him the idiot aliens only shoot one at a time. Will Starman wet himself with joy at the slaughter, and why the hell haven't you changed the damn channel? This movie is a piece of crap.
Liana: When are they going to notice they outnumber her?
Ed The Sock: That would require counting.
Ed The Sock: Well, might as well lay back and enjoy the carnage.
Ed The Sock: What are you bugging me for? Your the one who set the auto-launch!
Liana: Is this a bad time to point out the ship looks like a sex toy?
Ed The Sock: Funny you should mention that, as they talk about thrusts... When a guy in a suit like that starts talking about thrust, I get nervous.
Ed The Sock: Here's a little something for all you paedophiles out there.

Episode 3 - June 11, 2010 - Wild Women of Wongo

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Ed the Sock: Hey, welcome to This Movie Sucks!, coming to you from the studio we continue to allege is my apartment.
Liana: Well, you can recognize from the quality graphics it is going to be a great film.
Ed the Sock: Don't be shallow.
Ed the Sock: Oh no! Stock footage of an alligator! Ah! Stock footage of a snake!
Liana: Ah! Wait a minutes, he's scared of parrots?
Ed the Sock: Maybe he has a fear of birds based on that unnatural white stuff in his hair.
Ed the Sock: Hey, it is one of those fancy automatic stone doors.
Liana: This is ridiculous, at least in The Flintstones they'd show you the dinosaur pulling it.
Liana: They... talk... like... this... the... whole... movie.
Ed the Sock: Come on, we keep the god in the basement!
Liana: Jungle survival rule number five: No need to worry about venomous creatures, keep your bare feet sticking out of your hut.
Ed the Sock: Last one there is gratuitous T&A! Wait, were all gratuitous T&A!
Liana: Their not doing anything useful, it looks like a make work project.
Ed the Sock: This is how Wongo spent its stimulus money!
Ed the Sock: How come he went out to sea and brought back something furry?
Liana: Throwing a dead animal at a gal's feet, the perfect way to say I love you.
Ed the Sock: Beware, its a guy in a diaper!
Ed the Sock: And we will hear them... very slowly.
Ed the Sock: Just so you realize it, that was her father saying she was nothing special.
Liana: In Wongo, the maidens are only five years younger than their dads.
Ed the Sock: Well, it seems the men of Wongo have a very literal interpretation of their word. Saying that "no harm will come to you this night", but their going to kill him in the morning.
Ed the Sock: Yeah, actually Liana just saved you about six minutes of nature shots with a bad voice over.
Liana: These women aren't wild! These women are sane, and sick of these douche bags telling them what to do. And their tired of stirring pots with nothing but air in them. Like, what is that? They couldn't put something in those pots, this is such a low-budget movie that they have to stir air?
Ed the Sock: The King of Wongo, a jungle tribe leader strangely afraid of the jungle.
Ed the Sock: Meanwhile, the King's daughter Omoo has fallen for Engor. Will Engor survive to return to his tribe, or will Omoo have got him stiff only to watch him become one?
Liana: Ah! Bad idea to sit cross-legged in a loincloth!
Ed the Sock: Looks like the King needs some anger management.
Ed the Sock: Freeze! He spent his whole life on the beach and he only has enough shells for one bag?
Liana: Freeze! Did her father just say that his daughter was worth less than a bag of shells?
Ed the Sock: Funny how night-time in Wongo looks like daytime in Wongo with the Iris turned down!
Ed the Sock: Now, here's the thing. She is having unprotected sex with a man from Goona, which means your open to getting "goonarrhea".
Ed the Sock: I understand their clothing is meant to be made from jungle animals, but what exactly did they hunt to get naugahyde?
Liana: A wild sofa.
Liana: And now the men bow their heads in shame at a bad prop.
Ed the Sock: Why would he use a ten foot spear when they are six feet apart?
Ed the Sock: He's got skin like a girl, and he runs like one.
Ed the Sock: Oh no, it fell! Maybe we should have supported it with more than a stick in sand.
Ed the Sock: Ah, he's in no hurry. See you later suckers!
Ed the Sock: Insulted? Dude, I'm stuffed and trussed to a stick!
Ed the Sock: Wait a second, how did she know that? There were no drums or signals or anything!
Liana: Yes, you found the one plot hole.
Liana: How would you put this on your resume? Danced with an alligator stuck to her head in Wild Women of Wongo?
Ed the Sock: Nobody put Wild Women of Wongo on their resume.
Liana: They've already sacrificed their dignity.
Ed the Sock: Notice how they all seem to be dancing to their own music? Their is no choreography.
Ed the Sock: It's the new Wongo dance, the "Hit by a Taser".
Liana: I took dance classes, I even taught dance classes, this is not dance! This is having seizures! It's not busting a move, move is busted!
Ed the Sock: Dance like there's nothing... but a slow dying career!
Ed the Sock: Okay, now begins the longest maritime battle ever filmed between a woman, her breasts, and a clearly rubber reptile.
Liana: Bad frame composition or gratuitous boob shot, you be the judge.
Ed the Sock: You know, it is not very sporting, fighting a croc the size of TV's Webster.
Ed the Sock: You know, this has managed to make me feel sorry for a rubber prop.
Liana: Finally they suspect that rubber thing might not be a god.... They've cast of the patriarchal shackles of stupidity!
Ed the Sock: If she would just let him go I think he wants to leave!
Liana: When is this scene going to be over?
Ed the Sock: When they've managed to have the camera show ever angle of her T&A.... like around now.
Ed the Sock: Uh, your father says you are worth less than a bag of shells.
Ed the Sock: That day, shot to look like night...
Ed the Sock: Uh oh, idiots!
Liana: Are those supposed to be the ape men?
Ed the Sock: I guess.
Liana: They don't look very apey.
Ed the Sock: They also don't understand the concept of camouflage. Of course, their under the cover of night, which looks suspiciously like daytime in the shade.
Ed the Sock: I love their attempts at stealth, the only thing they have going for them is that the woman are as stupid as they are.
Ed the Sock: Uh oh, trouble for the Wild Women of Wongo, the ape-men have arrived.
Liana: Yay, maybe they will kill them and put them out of their misery.
Ed the Sock: You know what, you don't seem to be enjoying this movie...
Liana: You think?
Ed the Sock: Wait, these ape-men are supposed to be the big threat? Two of them together could not take a woman by surprise!
Ed the Sock: Suddenly, the sun is up.
Ed the Sock: Careful, your rubbing off my spray hair.
Ed the Sock: He's dead, who gets his bag of four shells?
Liana: Oh, they're fighting now... as if dancing and skinny-dipping was not enough.
Liana: I can't, my spear is cheap cardboard!
Ed the Sock: In chapter five of The Wild Women of Wongo, Omoo and her posy successfully drive the ape-men to the river bank, where they are turned into obvious mannequin parts and consumed by stock footage of an alligator.
Ed the Sock: So the women of the now dead tribe of Wongo set out to find Goona, ready to trade one ridiculous tribal name for another.
Ed the Sock: This movie would be half as long if they spoke at normal speed.
Liana: Their graduates of the William Shatner school of acting.
Ed the Sock: With a supplementary class by Adam West.
Ed the Sock: So lets just be clear, they know that there is a threat from ape-men invading, so they decide that now's a good time to leave their spears behind and go wandering unarmed into the jungle.
Ed the Sock: Is it just me, or does the music take away from the drama?
Ed the Sock: The women of Goona either look like they've been through a famine or caused one.
Liana: Okay, that girl, she's just tall. The women of Goona are all supposed to be ugly. She's not ugly, she's just really, really, really, really, really, really, tall.
Ed the Sock: Look, she's tall and he's short! Isn't that hilarious? I don't know, maybe puns aren't the lowest form of humour.
Liana: She's very focused.
Liana: These women need to learn that "no" means "no".
Liana: Okay, note to movie: Objectifying men does not make previous objectification of women any better.
Ed the Sock: Wait, why is he afraid of a constrictor? It's not like its going to bite him. You'd think spending your life in the jungle, you'd learn to identify animal species.
Ed the Sock: Yeah, as if he's really struggling.
Liana: He actually appears to be annoyed.
Ed the Sock: Oh yeah, that would make him the only actor in this movie.
Ed the Sock: Well, finally, you know why their winking? Because they have no interest in women. They went from the "Wild Women of Wongo" to the "Beautiful Beards of Goona".
Liana: We get the point!

Episode 4 - July 17, 2010 - Wild Guitar

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Ed the Sock: If you're wondering how a guy that looks like this wound up being the star of a movie, well, it kind of helps when the guy producing the movie is your dad. It's what's known as the Tori Spelling method.
Ed the Sock: Well, you can tell it is not modern LA... they would have run him over.
Ed the Sock: Look Liana... comic relief.
Liana: Allegedly.
Ed the Sock: You know what fifteen cents will get you now in LA?
Liana: What?
Ed the Sock: A punch in the face.
Ed the Sock: Well, you know what she's thinking. Wow, poor, from out of town, a musician... this will really piss off daddy.
Ed the Sock: Besides, I'm blonde and this is Hollywood. I'm just going to throw it up anyway.
Liana: I don't understand this, why do people go to LA with no money?
Ed the Sock: Here's what I don't understand, why does his love interest look like she could be his mom?
Liana: Why are women who run diners all called "Marge"?
Ed the Sock: It's kind of an official title, like when you run a ship you're called "Captain".
Liana: At one point in America's history, this was considered dancing.
Ed the Sock: At one point in America's history, this was considered sexy. Of course, at the same point in American history, this was also considered "filler".
Liana: Now it's just the after effects of a Tazer, or the auditions episodes of American Idol.
Ed the Sock: It's more like The Gong Show
Liana: That's a bit of a dated reference.
Ed the Sock: This movie isn't exactly current.
Liana: This is awfully long.
Ed the Sock: What would you rather see: Her dancing or this guys big melon?
Ed the Sock: Will our hero become an overnight sensation? Or will his giant head and hair ignite the studio lights and cause a massive fire?
Ed the Sock: Hey, just like our show... minus the audition.
Ed the Sock: Believe it or not, there was a time when music like this made it on the radio.
Liana: Not quite like this.
Ed the Sock: I love the depth of his lyrics, he's practically another Kurt Cobain.
Liana: Kurt Cobain's lyrics were his last priority.
Ed the Sock: That's what I mean.
Ed the Sock: All right, I have listened to enough, fast forward.
Ed the Sock: Well, the paid extras liked it.
Ed the Sock: He's the villain, you know why?
Liana: Why?
Ed the Sock: He's smoking a cigar.
Liana: Doesn't that mean he's just a rich guy?
Ed the Sock: In these movies that's the same thing, those Marxist underpinnings.
Liana: Who are you now? Glenn Beck?
Ed the Sock: How touching, singing a romantic love song to your long lost love, while a stripper frolics in front of you. Who is this guy, Charlie Sheen?

Episode 5 - July 24, 2010 - The Manster

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Ron Sparks: I just like oven mitts... you got a problem with that?
Liana: Okay, that's enough of your culture.
Ed the Sock: Will the girl a) run away, b) faint or c) mess her pants?
Ron Sparks: This doesn't look like Payless Shoes. Damn you MapQuest!
Liana: Wouldn't that door to the volcano be hot?
Liana: Umm... nice try but that’s just a drawing of a mountain.
Ed the Sock: First thing I do when I win the lottery - build a road!

Episode 6 - July 31, 2010 - Double Feature of The Killer Shrews and The Snake, the Tiger, the Crane

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Liana: She looks like she's put on weight on her left side, you know where you would tuck your arm if you were hiding it.
Liana: Why is Roke standing so far back?
Ed The Sock: Because there's a redneck with a shotgun.
Liana: They're dying in order of waist line.
Ron Sparks: Wouldn't there be residual chemicals in those chemical barrels?
Ed the Sock: The only way they can hold up those barrels is if they were on their heads, or if they lifted from the bottom which would let the shrews get their fingers... is it hovering?
Ed The Sock: Ignore the sturdy trees, and pick the sapling. He's only what? 280?
Ron Sparks: Good thinking.
Ed The Sock: Sorry, Roke. Your fate was sealed as soon as you were black.
Liana: Whoa! Finnegan's seen better days.
Ed The Sock: I never liked dog puppets.
Ron Sparks: Let's see, there were 300 of them, we killed three, and six just left... I think it's safe!
Ed the Sock: Good idea, they can eat through concrete so put up a wooden plank.

Season Two

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Episode 2 - October 3, 2010 - Double feature of The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy and The Swamp of the Lost Monsters

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Ed the Sock: Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy? They certainly weren't going for nuance.
Ron Sparks: He got his shoe!
Ed the Sock: That's a fair trade. A single used shoe for a gold breastplate and bracelet. That's what the conquistadors gave them.
Ed the Sock: Laura. Come faster, make this end!
Ron Sparks: Laura. Close the gate. We're not paying to heat the entire neighbourhood!
Ron Sparks: Why is Philip Glass giving a recital at cemetery in Mexico?
Ed the Sock: He looks like someone whose vocabulary would include "doggone serious".
Ron Sparks: I guess time is money, but they are measuring it in pesos.
Ron Sparks: With the power use spiking like that, cops are going to think he's running a grow op.
Ed the Sock: This is like a UFC match between Ernest Borginine and Abe Vigoda.
Ed the Sock: Oh no, the "bist"!
Ed the Sock: This would be better at 400x speed with music.

Episode 3 - October 16, 2010 - Laser Mission

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Ed the Sock: By the way, this isn't phallic at all!

Episode 5 - November 14, 2010 - Yongary, Monster from the Deep

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Ed the Sock: Earthquakes are just one place not across the entire world.
Liana: You would think the kid would be more interested in looking for a wet nap.
Liana: I wonder what a pile of radioactive poop would look like?
Ed the Sock: A Michael Bay movie?
Ed the Sock: I didn’t mean to insult the art of your giantess video.

Episode 6 - November 21, 2010 - Prisoners of the Lost Universe

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Ron Sparks: The phone didn’t work so I will just go into the house in case the other phone’s work.
Liana: I will just wander in high heels.
Ron Sparks: This is the same plate tree.
Ed the Sock: Do you know what bleach blonds and air planes have in common: black boxes.
Ron Sparks: Look to your right, look right, look right, look right to see the bad guy!
Ed the Sock: Why do they drive on the other side like in England but on the right side of the road?
Ed the Sock: If she wasn’t wearing underwear he would not have stopped looking up her skirt.

Cast

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