The VelociPastor

2018 film directed by Brendan Steere

The VelociPastor is a 2017 comedy horror film in which, after losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first horrified by this new power, a hooker convinces him to use it to fight crime. And ninjas.

Directed and written by Brendan Steere.
Man of the clawth.taglines

Doug Jones

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  • I don't believe you. Dinosaurs never existed, and even if they did, I don't transform into one.

Father Stewart

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  • So your parents died, Doug. It's what parents do. They die on you. They're in a better place.
  • Go where you think God will not follow. If you find him there, then you know he's within you.
  • War is war, and war is hell, and hell never changes.

Frankie Mermaid

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  • Yo, Cherry! If you stuffed dicks in your mouth like you're doing that sandwich, I'd be a fuckin' millionaire by now!

Dialogue

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Doug Jones: What is it that you'd like to confess?
Frankie Mermaid: Ah, geez, I guess we could cover the last... four days? I stole candy from this baby, then I threw the baby in the river - so it couldn't snitch, obviously - then, ah, well, I pimp bitches, do drugs, sell drugs, murder people - really, you name it, I've done it, padre.

Carol: Last night was... amazing.
Doug Jones: Oh. Oh, I see. Let me be fair and say this can never happen again.
Carol: So it was just a one-time thing?
Doug Jones: Yes, honestly it never should have happened at all.
Carol: That's for sure.
Doug Jones: Oh. Was it bad?
Carol: It was... weird.
Doug Jones: Oh.
Carol: Honestly, it all happened so quickly. I was very scared, I think I even peed myself.
Doug Jones: Oh. Was it your first time too?
Carol: Yeah.
Doug Jones: As I said, I'm a priest, so we can never say...
Carol: What, what are you talking about?
Doug Jones: What are you talking about?
Carol: That time you turned into a dinosaur and ate someone.
Doug Jones: Wait - what? What?

Carol: I don't know much about God.
Doug Jones: I don't know much about dinosaurs.

Doug Jones: You're a hooker?
Carol: And premed/law, but people aren't surprised as much by that one.

Doug Jones: Father Stewart, what if I told you that I was different?
Father Stewart: You're not that different, Doug. There are plenty of men like that in the church.

Doug Jones: I might be on a mission from God himself!
Father Stewart: That's insane, Doug! God does not want people dead!
Doug Jones: Oh, I think God wants a lot of people dead.

Taglines

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  • Man of the clawth.
  • Evolution? Maybe.
  • How long has it been since your last confession?
  • Welcome to the Christ-aceous period.

Cast

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  • Gregory James Cohan - Doug Jones
  • Alyssa Kempinski - Carol
  • Daniel Steere - Father Stewart
  • Aurelio Voltaire - Altair
  • Yang Jiechang - Wei Chan
  • Jesse Turits - Sam the White Ninja
  • Fernando Pacheco de Castro - Frankie Mermaid
  • David Sokol - War Buddy Ali
  • Kathleen Steere - Adeline
  • Claire Hsu - Chinese Villager
  • Nicholas M. Garofolo - Hobo
  • George Schewnzer - Doug's Dad
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