The Squid and the Whale

2005 film by Noah Baumbach

The Squid and the Whale is a 2005 film about two young boys dealing with their parents divorce in Brooklyn in the 1980's.

Written and directed by Noah Baumbach.
Joint Custody Blows. tagline

Bernard BerkmanEdit

  • She's a very risky writer, Lili. Very racy. I mean, exhibiting her cunt in that fashion is very racy. I mean Lili has her influences in post modern literature, it's a bit derivative of Kafka, but for a student, very racy. Did you get that it was her cunt?
  • [to Lili] Put me in your mouth.
  • [playing ping pong with Frank] You know, you have to try. If you don't try, it's no fun for me.

Joan BerkmanEdit

  • You're calling me a bitch?
  • You're being a shit, Walt!


  • Walt Berkman: It's like... we were pals then... we'd do things together... we'd look at the knight armor at the Met. The scary fish at the Natural History Museum. I was always afraid of the squid and whale fighting. I can only look at it with my hands in front of my face.
  • Jeffrey: She could probably move her pussy muscles just the right way so you blow your load in like seconds.
  • Frank Berkman: Across the park? Is that still Brooklyn?


Bernard: Your mum and I, we're going to separate. I've got you Tuesday, Wednesday and every other Thursday.
Walt: And what about the cat?
Joan: Shit! The cat!
Bernard: We didn't discuss the cat.

Bernard: Hey - Watch it!
Frank: Suck my dick, ass man...

Bernard: Joan, let me ask you something. All that work I did at the end of our marriage, making dinners, cleaning up, being more attentive. It never was going to make a difference, was it? You were leaving no matter what...
Joan: You never made a dinner.
Bernard: I made burgers that time you had pneumonia.

Walt: It's Welles' masterpiece, really. Many people think it's Citizen Kane, but Magnificent Ambersons, if it hadn't been ruined by the studio, would've been his crowning achievement. As it is, it's still brilliant. It's the old story, genius not being recognized by the industry.
Lance: It sounds great. Who's in it?
Walt: Orson Welles? I don't know, I haven't seen it yet. I've seen stills.

Sophie: [about The Metamorphosis, by Franz Kafka] Yeah. I mean, it's gross when he turns into the bug, but I love how matter of fact everything is.
Walt: Yeah, it's very Kafkaesque.
Sophie: [She looks at him oddly and laughs] 'Cause it's written by Franz Kafka.
Walt: Right. I mean, clearly.

Bernard: How do you know they were both Frank's?
Ms. Lemon: Well, I suppose it's possible other kids are masturbating and spreading their semen around the school as well... It's possible, but, uh, somewhat unlikely.
Bernard: Oh, it happens, I'm sure, much more than we know.
Joan: Bernard, have you ever done anything like this?
Bernard: I'm not going to answer that.

Bernard: You'll have to share the bathroom with the boys. They get the upstairs and I have my own.
Lili: That's all right, as long as Walt remembers to pull the seat down.

[Walt kisses Lili's knee]
Lili: [lowers her head] Do you think...
[Walt brings his head up and smacks her in the nose]
Lili: Oh shit! Fuck!
Walt: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Lili: No, it's ok. It's just a bloody nose.

Lili: [they kiss] Why did you stop?
Bernard: I'm your teacher.
Lili: You know, I've always wondered what it'd be like to fuck you.

Bernard: Ivan is fine but he's not a serious guy, he's a philistine.
Frank: What's a philistine?
Bernard: It's a guy who doesn't care about books and interesting films and things. Your mother's brother Ned is also a philistine.
Frank: Then I'm a philistine.
Bernard: No, you're interested in books and things.
Frank: [pause] No, I'm a philistine.

Joan: You're living with a twenty-year-old.
Bernard: It's none of your business, Joan.
Joan: It's my business when you have our kids! It's confusing for them. Frank says Walt's in love with her.
Bernard: Walt has a girlfriend. Fuck off, Joan. I don't ask about you and Ivan. Stay out of my life. I can't believe you'd talk to me like this. You left all those fucking ticket stubs and letters lying around! You wanted me to know. It was fucking torture, Joan! FUCKING TORTURE!

School Therapist: I wonder how you're feeling right now.
Walt: I don't know.
School Therapist: Why don't you tell me about something less uncomfortable, like a nice memory, maybe?
Walt: Isn't that kind of a stock question for a shrink?
School Therapist: Yes. That's more or less how this works.
Walt: I can't think of anything right now
School Therapist: Just think. Come one. Just something. Meet me halfway here.
Walt: Um, alright, let's see. Okay, um, when I was around six my mom and I, she and I ducked out of Julie Glynn's birthday party to watch Robin Hood together on our TV.
School Therapist: That sounds like a nice memory.
Walt: I liked Errol Flynn.
School Therapist: Errol Flynn. That's all?
Walt: And... I was glad she let me leave the party early to watch the movie. She and I loved that movie. It's like... It's like we were pals then. You know, we'd do things together. We'd look at the knight armor at the Met, the scary fish at the natural history museum. I was always afraid of the squid and the whale fighting. I could only look at it with my hands in front of my face. When we'd get home, after my bath, she'd go through all the different things we saw that day at the museum and... And we'd get to the Squid and the Whale and she'd describe it for me which was, maybe, still scary but it was less scary. Anyway, it was fun, it was fun to hear about it.
School Therapist: Did your dad live at home back then?
Walt: Yeah, why?
School Therapist: You didn't mention him. Where was he during all of this?
Walt: He was... I don't know, exactly. He was... He was downstairs, maybe. He didn't ever come to the museum. This was before my brother was born. This was before... It was earlier.


  • Joint Custody Blows.


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