The Smoking Room

The Smoking Room (2004–2005) is a television show written by Brian Dooley

Season 1

Doo Di Dum Di Da [1.1]

Annie: So, should I go for that drink with Dan?

Sally: Do you wanna go for a drink with him?

Annie: I'm not sure.

Sally: Annie, you've got to a third date. You've never managed that before.

Annie: No. You were right. Refusing to have sex straight away kept him keen.

Sally: Yea, you've got to hold back 'till at least the fourth.. fifth date.

Annie: Ahh.

Sally: You didn't?

Annie: I did. Three times! He said I was very accomplished. But.. You'll promise you'll keep this to yourself...

Sally: Of course.

Annie: He wanted me to dress up as a police officer.

Sally: Oh yeah? The old black stockings?

Annie: A male police officer.

Sally: Ahh.

Annie: Quite specifically, the officer in charge of the Fred West case.

Sally: Yeah.. Best off out of that.

Barry: So, Janet. Why am I only possibly going to get this promotion?

Janet: Well there's the interview to get through first.

Barry: Yes, but that's just a formality.

Janet: It certainately isn't!

Barry: Ha. They're not going to give the job to Malcolm, are they?

Robin: Alchy-Malchy? Congratulations Barry! It's in the bag.

Janet: I think it was very brave of Malcolm to admit he's an alchoholic.

Robin: What choice did he have? He was sprawled over reception in a pool of his own vomit! With a traffic cone on his head. And he'd shat himself!

Annie: Not just himself...

Lilian: Honestly Barry? You're taking over from Martin?

Barry: Umm, well I thought I was. Now it just seems I've been hauled in to bump up the numbers.

Lilian: Ahh, like Posh in the Spice Girls.

Lilian: No, there's some cracking lady bosses about.

Barry: You can't mean Sharon.

Lilian: Well obviously I don't mean Sharon. Like Hitler in a trouser suit that one.

Barry: Hitler wore a trouser suit.

Lilian: Not in lilac.

R.I.P. [1.2]

Annie: [Crying] One minute there, the next.. well, still there, but.. dead.

Sally: Come on, Annie, he was only a rabbit.

Annie: There was nothing only about Brighteyes.

Robin: A rabbit?

Annie: [Upset] Yea.

Robin: A bunny rabbit??

Annie: Yes.

Robin: Oh for fu-.. I thought you were crying about Martin!

Annie: Why would Martin's retirement bother me?

Sally: Martin hasn't just retired. He's gone and died n'all.

Annie: No, when?

Sally: Saturday.

Annie: What of?

Sally: Shrugs

Annie: It wasn't the food at his party was it?

Robin: Why are you asking me? I'm not Quincy!

Annie: Because I had a whole plate of those mini tartlets.

Robin I think he just dropped dead.

Annie: Phew! well, here's hoping, ey?

[Clint has left people stuck in a lift for a quick fag]

Clint: It's my first one all morning! If I don't have one now I'll have to wait 'till lunchtime.

Sally: Tell that to the people in the lift!

Clint: Oh I have.

[Discussing reincarnation]

Robin: I wouldn't want to come back again. And if I had to I'd expect considerably better next time round.

Annie: We're all just here to learn a lesson. And once it's sunk in, we move on to a higher plane.

Sally: Where do you pick up this crap?

Annie: On my mystic mug. A friend brought it back from Goa. It's covered in holy writings, and when you drain the dregs you can see Vishnu giving you four thumbs up.

Barry: When I was a little boy I wanted to be a surgeon.

Robin: What went wrong?

Barry: Well they don't let children perform operations...

Len: How cheated would you feel? You've spent your days slaving away for these fuckers, working your fingers to the bone, and when get some time back to yourself you go and drop dead in Asda's frozen food isle.

Lilian: Not even fresh.

Barry: He didn't die in Asda!? That's where I shop!

Robin: The fatality rate must be pretty low though, Barry.

Lilian: He was just leaning down to fetch a tub of Carte D'or when the whole of his left side went stiff. Poor Pat thought they'd had the freezers up too high, but no.. Fatal stroke.

Sharon: Now, I take it you've all heard the sad news about Martin.

Len: [Looking up and shaking his fist] Bastard!

Sharon: Len, he's not even in his grave!

Len: God's a bastard.

Sharon: Oh, fine.

Sharon: Still, if people would observe the company rule about not opening attachments..

Lilian: You don't always know they're not work related. I opened one this morning from a client.. It was the filthiest thing I've ever clapped eyes on!

Robin: Was it the woman with the donkey?

Lilian: Yeah.

Barry: I think you'll find it was a mule.

Lilian: I can understand the animal enjoying itself, but what could that dirty bitch get out of it?

Barry: Well, from what I saw, lockjaw.

Lilian: I can't get it out me head.

Barry: That's probably what she was thinking.

Robin: Trannies are people, too, you know! They're not lepers!

Barry: Lepers are people.

Len: Death, ey? We're just passing shadows in the big scheme of things. Gone in the twinkling of an eye. No rhyme, no reason to it. Your parents have it off.. and if the doo-dah meets the wotsit, nine months later out you pop! And you think you've got all the time in the world, don't you? When your young.. But the sands of your life are trickling down all the while. And as the years pass, they trickle a little quicker. And before you know where you are, they're booking your funeral.

Lilian: Oh, Leonard. You are quite profound when you're not swearing.

Len: Fuck off!

Pantball [1.3]

Sharon: No, no. The paintballing is meant to be a bonding exercise to boost moral. I'm not having it abused by people just out to enjoy themselves!

...

Annie: Oh, it's so silly of me to cry like this. My counseller says I've got to learn to be less touchy.

Robin: I didn't know you had a counseller.

Annie: Oh, yeah. Well.. he's not mine as such. He's a woman off the telly's, in a documentary about crack whores. I have such a lot of things in common with her.

Light My Fire [1.4]

Lilian: The deaf can't whistle, can't they?

Len: Not in tune.

Chocolate Box [1.5]

Heidi: So, did you miss me?

Robin: When?

Heidi: When I was away.

Robin: [Blank look]

Heidi: To have my baby.

Robin: [Blank look]

Heidi: Don't you remember? We had that baby shower. The lads from packing dressed up as The Supremes, sang Baby Love.

Robin: [Blank look]

Heidi: The 4th floor gave me that SuperDoopa buggy. We were laughing because little Tina Swanson could fit in it. We pushed her down the corridor..?

Robin: [Blank look]

Heidi: She fell out and broke her collar bone...

Robin: [Blank look]

Heidi: Ben from the post room showed us all his bum.

Robin: Oh yeah! Ben's arse...

Heidi: It was quite a difficult birth, though. I ripped. All the way round. I've got some pictures!

Lilian: [On Valentine's Day] It's all just a con to make you part with your cash. Like Children In Need.

Janet: I love to see couples getting together.

Clint: I'm with you there, Jan. I've got this DVD, yeah-..

Janet: Not in that way!

Annie: Something might come in the final post.

Sally: God, I hope so.

Annie: You've already had a card.

Sally: I meant for you! I'm sick to death of you droning on.

Annie: It's alright for Mrs Smugs. She's already had a card, she's sorted. Some of us would like to feel loved!

Sally: Yeah, if you think a card from some wanker in accounts, telling me, in way too explicit detail, what he'd like to get up to with me and Beyonce makes me feel loved, then you, missus, have got another thing coming.

Annie: I'd have been delighted to get a card like that...

Barry: It's one of the most common places to meet a sexual partner; The Workplace.

Annie: Is it? I've met most of mine on the Night Bus.

Robin: I sometimes think all the people you have a real, over-powering obsession with... or even get to go on a proper date with, if you're lucky: All have a little aspect of the person you're gonna end up with.

Sally: Do What?

Robin: You take certain qualities from different people that only come together in your perfect match. So your one true love will be made up of all the best bits, or at least the things you could actually put up with, from all your previous boyfriends [catches himself] Girlfriends! So all those disastrous relationships are kind of working towards a kind of Frankenstein's Partner.

Clint: Rah! Who'd want that?

Annie: I always thought Dracula was sexier. All that biting.

Robin: No, in terms of personality. So you get this one's ability to cook. As far as you can tell, from the one occasion they actually bothered to. The way that one would sometimes get a round in, rather than leaving you to foot the bill all night. Although looks can enter into it. I mean you could go out with someone for three whole weeks and wonder what the hell you're doing with them; why you put up with their mood swings and their droney voice and the fact that they wouldn't let you smoke in the flat but force you out onto the Fire Escapey bit in the middle of January! I mean, you think you're just staving off loneliness and boredom, where as you're actually going out with your future partners... ears.

Barry: No, I don't agree with that. [Leaves]

Feeding Time [1.6]

Barry: [Reading from the crossword] Unidentified flying object. 3 letters.

Robin: UFO.

Barry: Yes. 3 letters.

Robin: Yeah, UFO.

Barry: Yes. Unidentified flying object. 3 letters. I know it's not flying saucer...

Robin: No, it's UFO. That's the answer. Unidentified flying object, 3 letters. The answer's UFO.

Barry: But that's the same thing!

Robin: That's, more or less, how crosswords work...

Only Temporary [1.7]

Annie: Gimme an H!

Everybody: H.

Annie: Gimme an O!

Everybody: O.

Annie: Gimme an L!

Everybody: L.

Annie: Gimme another L!

Heidi: L!

Robin: No, Annie. There's only one L in it.

Annie: What?

Robin: Holiday.

Annie: Oh! You might have let me finish spelling it.

Robin: But you weren't spelling it, you were spelling some made up word with too many L's in.

Sally: You haven't had her struggling to spell Faliraki all morning.

Annie: Actually Sally, it was thought for a while I might be dyslexic.

Sally: Who thought that?

Annie: I did. Anyway, I know how to spell P I S E D, and that's what I'm gunna be!

Heidi: ..That's why Keith insists we holiday in this country. Don't get all the rowdiness.

Annie: No.. or any of the fun.

Happy Birthday [1.8]

Yvonne: Lets get all this lot onto smaller plates. Trick the eye into thinking there's more than there is.

Lois: I've got a bra that does that!

Sharon: Did you get any nice presents?

Lilian: Oh.. well...

Lois: I got her some potpourri.

Lilian: Mmm.

Sharon: Lovely! What scent?

Lilian: Oh, it doesn't smell.

Lois: [Shakes her head, smiling]

Sharon: So.. just some dead leaves in a bowl..?

Lilian: Yep.

Lois: [Nods her head, still smiling enthusiastically]

Annie: Do you know who's never really caught my eye before? Robin. And I don't know why really, I mean, he is..

Sally: Male.

Annie: Yeah...

Clint: Aww, Lils, this is..

Lilian: Rubbish. I know. No music! Bloody Sharon sucking the life out of the place.. I've had more fun at a wake!

Clint: Yeah, Tess Pownell's husband's was banging. Every track they played I was like, "tune!"

Lilian: Mmm. I think she regrets the disco now. But she was in shock.. She freely admits the bouncy castle was misjudged.

Season 2

Bzzz [2.1]

Janet: I was a late baby.

Annie: A mistake.

Janet: No! Honestly, what a horrid thing to say! I mean, really, just vile!

Annie: Yeah, don't go overboard, love.

Janet: Well it is. Really horrible. I won't take it from my mother, I certainly won't take it from you!

Sally: They teach us in boxercise you can hurt your opponent much more mentally than with a well-aimed slap. Y'know, psyche 'em out and their confidence goes.

Robin: How do you psyche out a bee?

Sally: You just follow 'em around going, "your honey tastes like shit, mate", "you're a crap buzzer", "black, yellow stripes? Don't go." Soon get depressed and fly off.

Heidi: I had an imaginary friend.

Lilian: Just the one?

Heidi: Mmm. I would have liked another one, but.. I lacked the imagination...

No Place Like Home [2.2]

Clint: Snowball fight now! The victor gets free ciggies all day tomorrow, or just buy me some baccy. Sal?

Sally: Save yourself the embarrassment, Clint, I'd murder you.

Clint: Word. Rob?

Robin: I've barely got the energy to lift my ciggie, nevermind lob snowballs.

Clint: [Turning to Sharon] I don't suppose...

Sharon: Are you asking me to come out for a snowball fight?

Clint: Yeah... Yeah, I suppose I am.

Sharon: Well thank you. Thank you so much for seeing a person sitting here and not just some distant authority figure. Prehaps my message is finally getting through. I may be the boss, but-.. No. I am definitely the boss, but I am still a co-worker. Of course I don't actually want to throw snowballs, it's puerile behaviour.

Barry: I'm essentially a pacifist. I only take up arms to defend a principle.

Robin: Hmph. Don't we know it? Poor Ben's still ruing the day he slagged off Robot Wars!

Barry: Yeah, I just saw red!

Lilian: Oh I saw a film once where they were all snowed in. 'Snowed In' it was called. And eventually they all had to eat each other! Imagine that. Human flesh.

Sharon: I wouldn't mind a wee taste.

Lilian: Well, I suppose if your life depended on it...

Sharon: Oh, if my life depended on it I'd tuck in with no qualms!

Heidi: Aww, I should be singing Dane his lullaby now. Sending him off.. [Sings] Sleepy, sleep deep. Make not a peep. If baby should cry, he'll probably die. So lie still in bed, all snuggled not dead.

Last Night a Graphic Designer Saved My Life [2.07]

Sally: I'm amazed you're so calm Barry.

Barry: What? Oh, I'm fine with real problems, It's just imaginary ones that bother me. I'm a bit concerned that a hijacked van might plough through that window, and explode.

Significant Others [2.8]

Robin: [talking about Janet's engagement] You need to ask yourself some serious questions, Jan. Is it real love? Is it real passion? Or are you just terrified of ending up alone?

Janet: I think so. Does it matter. And of course I am.

Janet: Perhaps Noel isn't the most dynamic man in the world. And perhaps he is quite inhibited sexually. And perhaps our married life won't be a thrilling, torrid sequence of "I love you", "I hate you", "I need you", "I can't bear you". And perhaps while I wanted a Heathcliff to my Cathy I've found a Ken Barlow to my Deirdre.

Specials

Do They Know It's Christmas? (2004)

Robin: We'll just bring up Ranjit and his balloon animals.

Len: That won't buy you much time. He's had to cut his act down to a snake, a worm and an electric eel. He can't the fuckers to twist without bursting 'em.

Robin: Well, you'd better fetch him onto the stage, anyway.

Len: After me fag.

Robin: No. Now.

Len: Ooh, fuckin' hell! Who gave him a clipboard?!

Sally: Just as well he's got no hope of promotion; he'd be a nightmare.