The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie is a 2008 American animated feature-length family adventure film directed by Mike Nawrocki and written by Phil Vischer. Produced through Big Idea Productions animation studio and the animation by Starz Animation, it is the second film featuring characters from the VeggieTales video series. The VeggieTales Pirates movie was also the first theatrically-released computer-animated film distributed by Universal Studios.

Transcript

Intro/Alexander Gets Taken

(The movie opens with the Universal logo and the Big Idea logo. Later cut to a ship with some pirates fighting)

Prince Alexander: Stand firm, men, for the King and Monteria! (YELLS) Back to the sea, dog! (GRUNTING)

(A barell rolls down the ship)

Pirate (played by Dad Carrot): Prince Alexander!

(Alexander trips from the Barrel and falls down)

Robert the Terrible: (O.S) Drop your weapons or say goodbye to your prince!

Prince Alexander: Robert. I should have known you were behind this cowardly attack.

Robert the Terrible: Hello, nephew. Sorry I've missed the family reunions, but it's been difficult, being banished and all.

Prince Alexander: Your punishment was well-earned.

Robert the Terrible: That depends on your point of view. But since your daddy has left you alone and unprotected, I thought we could get reacquainted.

Prince Alexander: His absence is but temporary. He has business across the Western Sea.

Robert the Terrible: Is that what he told you? (CHUCKLING) He knew I was growing strong in the mechanical arts. Too strong, perhaps, for even him. You fight bravely for the son of a coward. Tie him up!

Pirate: Your cutlass!

Robert the Terrible: Plenty more at home. Leave it. A calling card for my cowardly brother. Take him aboard the Stubb! And be sure to bring the princess as well!

Prince Alexander: She's not here. She stayed behind in Monteria.

Robert the Terrible: Search the ship. Find the girl.

Prince Alexander: I tell you, she's not here!

Pirate: Aha!

(All he finds is a green vase. Once he leaves, the princess, known as Eloise, and her butler, Willory (played by Archibald) come out of a hiding spot in the floor.)

Willory: Are you certain he's gone? I say, my lady, it may be prudent to remain under wraps. My lady?

Eloise: My brother needs help.

Willory: Oh, heavens, my lady! As your butler, I cannot allow you to...

Eloise: Step aside, Willory.

Willory: But, my lady, it's a boatful of pirates and your fencing classes have just begun! You're not yet up to the task!

Eloise: Perhaps you're right. Then there's only one thing to do.

Willory: Indeed. Stay hidden until the rogues have left. My lady? What is it?

(Eloise pulls out a golden, spherical device.)

Eloise: It's from my father. His own creation. He said I was to use it only in the gravest of circumstances.

Willory: I'd say this qualifies. But what does it do?

Eloise: It's a Helpseeker. (the device's lens opens up like a camera) We need help. Alexander has been taken. The situation is dire. Please bring back... Let me see. What do we need?

Willory: The army! The navy!

Eloise: Heroes. We need heroes that can save Alexander!

Pirate: She's not on board, sir.

Robert the Terrible: Blast! Send spies to Monteria and the surrounding isles. I need them both.

(As Robert's crew takes Alexander aboard their ship, the Helpseeker rolls across the deck, off the ship and into the ocean.)

Willory: Heroes?

Eloise: Yes. Heroes.

Spanish Gold and Introduction to George, Sedgewick and Elliot

(Opening credits are shown. We then cut to an ocean-themed restaurant with a stage show taking place. The stage features a pool and a ship.)

Jacob: Woo-hoo!

All: (singing) Oh It's Spanish gold for all tonight.

For King and country, now we fight.

Our shirts are loose. Our pants are tight

It's Spanish gold for all tonight.

Stage Pirate: It's Spanish gold for all tonight

Bernedette (Petunia): Have you seen the show before?

Ellen: No, too expensive. My boyfriend got me in for free tonight. He works here.

Bernedette: Oh, mine, too. Family Night, right?

Ellen: Right.

Bernedette: Is he in the show?

Ellen: No, he's just a cabin boy.

Bernedette: Same here. But not for long. Elliot says he's a shoe-in for the show, as soon as he tries out.

Ellen: Wait. You're Elliot's date? Our boyfriends are friends!

Bernedette: (Gasps)

Ellen: Is that bad?

Bernedette: No. There's something behind you.

(Ellen spots an RC car with a robotic arm and suction cups on its wheels. The RC car gives Ellen a rose.)

Ellen: Where is he?

(Sedgewick, played by Mr. Lunt, enters.)

Sedgewick: For the flower of all gourds.

Ellen: Oh, Sedgewick, you're too cute.

Sedgewick: Anything for you, Ellen.

All: It's Spanish gold for all tonight

As Spaniards quake to see the sight

Our flag unfurled with black and white!

It's Spanish gold for all tonight!

(cheering)

Female voice: Hooray, Sir Frederick!

Stage Pirate: Picture for the happy couple?

Sedgewick: Sure, why not?

Ellen: Oh, Sedgewick, come here. Put your face close to me.

Sedgewick: Look at that.

Ellen: Soy la reina. I'm the queen, you're the king.

Stage Pirate: (clears throat)

Sedgewick: I'll catch up with you later.

Female Voice: Hey! Cabin boy! Refill!

Sedgewick: I'm telling you, this job will be the death of me.

Ellen: But you're going to keep at it so you don't end up back in your parents' basement.

Sedgewick: Right.

Bernedette: I like your toy.

Sedgewick: It's not a toy, it's a labor-saving device!

Ellen: Sedgewick, meet Bernadette. She's Elliot's girlfriend.

Sedgewick: Pleased to meet you.

Ellen: Sweetie, how about having your little car fetch me some barbecue sauce?

Sedgewick: It's in the back room. Out of range.

Ellen: Well, how about you fetch me some barbecue sauce?

Sedgewick: It's in the back room. Out of range.

Ellen: Sedgewick!

Bernedette: (chuckles) There he is now. Hi, Elliot.

(Elliot, played by Larry, enters the scene.)

Elliot: Hey, Bernedette.

Bernedette: Elliot, would you run to the back room and get some barbecue sauce for my new friend, Ellen?

Elliot: You know I would Bernadette, but it's just that the back room is real, real dark.

Bernedette: And?

Elliot: It's on my list.

Ellen: His list?

Bernedette: His list of things he's afraid of. It's extensive.

Ellen: Well, I don't need barbecue sauce that badly.

Elliot: Why doesn't he get it?

Ellen: Too much work.

Sedgewick: George!

All: Huh?

Sedgewick: We'll have George get it. You can talk him into anything.

(George, played by Pa Grape, enters the scene.)

George: I'm back!

Caroline (Ma Grape): What took so long?

George: Oh, I had to run an errand for another cabin boy.

Caroline: George.

George: Oh, it was nothing. How do the kids like the show?

George Jr: It's great. Did you see Sir Frederick knock that guy into the water?

Lucy: I liked it when he swung on the rope.

Caroline: They're both pretty taken with Sir Frederick.

George Jr: He's cool!

Lucy: Yeah!

George: Right. Hey, after the show's over, you want me to take you down on the pirate ship?

George Jr: Sir Frederick is gonna take us.

George: What? You don't need to wait for Sir Frederick. I could take you the set tonight.

George Jr: Yeah, Dad, but Mom says if we come back on Friday, I can bring some money and get a sword just like Sir Frederick's. I'll wait till Friday.

Sir Fredrick/Mr. Louis: (Jimmy Gourd): Hahaha! You're no match for me! Take that! Taste my steel!

George Jr: Cool! Did you see Sir Frederick?

Lucy: He's a hero!

(George sadly walks away from his family).

Male voice: Hey, cabin boy! Refill!

George: (groans) Coming. (Groans again before walking towards the customer).

Cleaning Up After the Show and The Stranger

(Cut to later that night as George, Sedgewick and Elliot are cleaning up the tables.)

George: (sighs) I can't believe my own kids are coming back to get a tour from Sir Frederick.

Elliot: It's just cause he's in the show.

Sedgewick: And he's big and strong and brave and manly.

Elliot: When I'm in the show, after my audition, Bernadette'll think I'm a hero, too.

Sedgewick: Yeah, after your audition. Look at George here. This guy knows every line in that show. He knows more about pirates than Blackbeard himself.

Elliot: So, why didn't he try out?

Sedgewick: Yeah, George. Why don't you?

George: It would never work. I'm just not the type.

Sedgewick: There you go.

(A leek appears wearing glasses and carrying a walking stick appears from behind the table, surprising the three.)

Sedgewick: Excuse me, sir. The day's show is over. I say, the show is over.

Blind Leek: The hour is near. The call is coming. Adventure awaits. Though you will stumble, the crab will show you the light. When adversity devours you, a lever will set you free. When all hope is gone, help will come from above in the shape of....a donkey! Take heed, O friends. The stage is set for the heroes at hand.

(The Blind Leak exits the restaurant.)

Sedgewick: The crab of adversity will devour the donkey? What was that about? And why would a blind guy come to a dinner theater, anyway?

George: Maybe he likes the music.

Elliot: I know what it means.

Both: What?

Elliot: Don't you see? "The stage is set for the heroes at hand." We're gonna be in the show, all of us.

George: What?

Elliot: Listen to me. There's the stage. We're the heroes at hand. Get it? If we all audition, we're going to be stars.

Sedgewick: How would he know?

George: The blind are often blessed with keen insight.

Elliot: Our gals would really look up to us if we were in the show.

George: And my kids would think I'm a hero.

Sedgewick: The stage is set for the heroes at hand.

George: I got my own set of pirate costumes in my locker. I've been saving them for, you know, whatever.

Elliot: "The hour is near."

Sedgewick: "The call is coming."

George: Let's give it a shot!

The Pirates' Audition and Finding the Helpseeker

(They convince their boss, Mr. Hibbing, played by Mr. Nezzer, to give them a chance at a performance.)

Mr. Hibbing: Okay, let's get this over with. It's way past my bedtime.

George: Ready when you are, Mr. Hibbing!

Mr. Hibbing: All right. Andy, cue the music and the lights. Scene Three positions. Let's see what you've got.

Elliot: Here we go.

George: Avast, you scurvy dogs. You came from the sea and to the sea you shall return.

Mr. Hibbing: Pirate two, position five.

Sedgewick: Okay. I go a loft, Captain. The height will afford me a keener view.

Elliot: (yelling)

Mr. Hibbing: Pirate three, position four.

Elliot: Your cutlass be sharper than your mind, bilge rat.

Sedgewick: (Exclaims) Can I do my lines from here? I'm pooped.

Mr. Hibbing: Trigger B.

(An animatronic sea serpent rises from the pool, scaring Elliot.)

Elliot: Whoa! That's on my list. (grunting)

Sedgewick: Ahoy.

(Due to all the damage they caused, they are fired.)

Elliot: I can't believe he fired us just for failing an audition.

Sedgewick: And breaking the restaurant. Man, that's it for me. It's back to my parents' basement and goodbye Ellen. I needed that job.

Mr. Louis: Sure, we can get some ice cream.

Jacob: Okay, double-fudge for me.

George: Hi, Jacob. Hello, Mr. Louis.

Mr. Louis: Heard about your audition. I guess that makes you "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything."

(Both laughing)

Mr. Louis: Well, tough luck. Some guys got it and some guys don't.

Jacob: (O.S) No wonder George Jr. wants to hang out with us. His dad's a loser.

George: (sighs)

Elliot: I don't know what went wrong. The old man...

Sedgewick: What went wrong is that we listened to you! I should be at home right now, watching TV as a happily employed cabin boy.

George: I guess guys like us will never be more than cabin boys.

Elliot: Oh, come on, guys. Things look kind of bad right now, but something will turn up. (A garbage truck passes by and out of it falls the Helpseeker.) See what I mean? Free garbage.

Sedgewick: Oh, now we're headed someplace. We've got a metal ball.

(Whirring)

George: Well, what is it?

Elliot: Well, it could be something valuable, like a Russian satellite.

Sedgewick: Or maybe a bomb.

George: I don't think it's a bomb.

(Beeping)

George: Uh-oh.

Sedgewick: I told you it was a bomb. Chuck it in the river. It think it might be a bomb.

Elliot: I don't think it's a bomb.

George: I think it's a bomb. It's a bomb! It's a bomb for sure! I saw this on TV once. It's a bomb!

Elliot: I don't think it's a bomb.

(George and Sedgewick whimper)

(click!)

Sedgewick: What happened?

George: It stopped blinking.

Elliot: I pushed the button.

George: You did what?

(A rowboat appears out of nowhere, surprising the three.)

George: There's something you don't see every day.

Elliot: So, we lost our jobs, but we got a rowboat. So maybe it's a wash.

Sedgewick: Oh, okay. I'll say, "Hey, Ellen. The bad news is, I got fired and I'm living in my parents' basement again. The good news is I got a rowboat."

George: It's so old.

Elliot: Well, you know the saying. "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day." Give a man a rowboat and he'll..."

Sedgewick: You ruined my life!

(Beeping)

Elliot: Hey, we could have two rowboats.

George: Wait!

(click!)

In Other Place, Another Time/Meeting Princess Eloise and Willory

(The three are transported back in time and dropped into the ocean.)

All 3: (screaming)

Sedgewick: I'm thinking we should avoid pushing any more buttons!

Elliot: I was going to get us another rowboat.

Sedgewick: Well, you didn't! You didn't get us another rowboat! You got us...You got us...Where are we?

George: We appear to be at sea.

Elliot: It's a lovely day.

Sedgewick: (screaming) Take me home! Put me back!

Elliot: I don't know how.

Sedgewick: Push another button! You're the king of the buttons!

Elliot: But it doesn't do anything if they aren't blinking. They're not blinking.

Sedgewick: (whimpering)

Elliot: See? Nothing.

George: Hey, I think I see something. It's a ship. Let's row over and check it out.

Sedgewick: Row?

George: Yeah. It's a rowboat. Each of you grab an oar and start rowing.

Elliot: Hey, scoot over a little bit. We got to even out the weight a little.

George: You hold the skinny part.

Elliot: I wanna be the rudder. Can I be the rudder?

George: You're not rowing together.

Sedgewick: No, you're going the wrong way.

George: It's not a metaphor. I'm talking literally. It's a girl. Ahoy, there!

Eloise: Ahoy, strange seafarers. What brings you so far from shore in such a modest vessel?

George: Well, it's kind of funny. We found this rowboat in the alley because there was a ball in the garbage truck.

Elliot: This ball.

Eloise: (whispers) The Helpseeker. (loudly) Willory, they've come!

Willory: (O.S.) Who's come, my lady?

Eloise: The heroes. They're here!

George: What'd she say?

Eloise: We've been waiting for you. Quickly, come up. It's splendid to meet you. I'm Eloise, Princess of Monteria, and this is my butler, Willory. We haven't much time. Pirates have taken my brother, Prince Alexander. With my father, the King, away in the west, it is imperative that we mount a rescue immediately. So? Well, you're the heroes. Any questions?

Willory: My lady, may I have a word?

Sedgewick: We need to talk.

Eloise: Certainly. One moment.

George: We'll be right with you.

Willory: I mean no disrespect, but these men hardly seem the heroic type. They're short, rather pudgy, and for heaven's sake, they were rowing around the ocean.

Sedgewick: What is going on here?

Elliot: She thinks we're, uh...

George: Heroes.

Eloise: But, Willory, they have the ball.

Willory: Perhaps they plucked it from the ocean or stole it from the real heroes. They could be pirates themselves, you know. I mean, look how they're dressed.

George: So, what do we do?

Sedgewick: I say we have the asparagus and the little princess turn this boat around and take us home.

Elliot: Or we take this opportunity to do what we've always wanted to do.

Sedgewick: Buy go-carts?

Elliot: No, be heroes.

George: But we're cabin boys.

Elliot: They don't know that. She called us heroes.

Sedgewick: You're kidding, right?

Elliot: Oh, come on, how hard could it be? We sail around, we find the prince, we go back home heroes.

Willory: But how can we trust them?

Eloise: Because I trust my father. He created the Helpseeker for one purpose, to bring help. And this is the help it has brought.

Sedgewick: It's kinda nice to called a hero.

George: Sure beats "loser."

Eloise: Well, gentlemen, are you ready for adventure?

Sedgewick: Point the way!

Eloise: Oh, you're not pirates, are you?

George: Well, we're...

EIliot: We sure aren't cabin boys.

George: We're friendly pirates, sort of.

Eloise: Oh. You don't rob or pillage, do you?

George: Oh, no, we don't do any of that stuff.

Sedgewick: In fact, we don't do anything at all.

George: Back home, they actually call us "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything." (laughs)

Sedgewick: That's right.

Willory: How comforting.

Eloise: Well, then, there's no time to spare.

Elliot: Great. I'll drive. We'll just give it some gas. How do you start this thing?

George: (laughs) What a kidder. Elliot, let me take the wheel. You scramble up to the yard and unfurl the topsail.

Elliot: Come again?

George: Position three.

Elliot: Oh! Aye, aye, Captain.

Sedgewick: So, you guys got TiVo?

Eloise: Certainly. Where are my manners? Willory, kindly bring our friend some tea.

Sedgewick: No, TiVo. It's the recording thing with the TV thing in the future. Tea would be lovely.

Elliot: (grunts)

Whipcrack Islands Attack

(Cut to Robert the Terrible's ship)

Pirate: The spies are in place, sir.

(Cut back to the ship)

George: This is great. So, where we headed?

Elliot: We're coming up on a bunch of islands. Real pointy ones.

Willory: Yes, the Whipcrack Islands .These treacherous waters shelter many a desperate pirate. A skilled captain able to sail this maze will find, at its center, the Inn of Jolly Joe, a popular pirate haunt. Perhaps we should turn back.

Eloise: We cannot turn back. Alexander is counting on us. Captain, are you up to the task?

George: Sure. Why, exactly, do we need to go there?

Eloise: To find out more about this. (she shows the cutlass sword)

Sedgewick: Hey, I've seen that on TV. You can cut a can with it and still slice a tomato.

Eloise: This cutlass belongs to the pirate who took my brother. If we find out who the owner is, we'll be closer to finding Alexander.

Willory: My lady, I don't think we're safe. These waters teem with pirates, and you'd make a handsome prize.

Eloise: We must do whatever it takes to rescue my brother, Willory. Besides, we have our heroes to watch over us.

Sedgewick: Does anyone know where the bathroom is?

Willory: Oh.

George: Don't worry about a thing, Willory. It's under control.

Willory: Listen here, I don't know who you are or where you came from, but I know what a hero is and you three buffoons are most definitely not.

George: How do we look, First Mate Elliot?

Eliiot: Looking good, Captain. Steady as she goes. (Elliot suddenly sees something that looks like a ship) Huh? (It is gone) Captain, did you see anything over there?

George: Hey, I don't see anything.

Elliot: Hmm.

(Cannon firing)

Elliot: Oh, no!

Willory: What? Oh, dear!

(We are shown the captain of the enemy ship.)

One-Eyed Louie: Drop your sails and prepare to be boarded!

Willory: Quickly, my lady, you must hide.

Elliot: What do I do?

George: (Stutters) We should drop our sails.

Elliot: What?

George: Drop the sails! Get to the yard and undo the knots. Position three!

Elliot: Okay.

One-Eyed Louie: Perhaps you don't know who you're dealing with. This be One-Eyed Louie, terror of the Seven Seas. I'm giving you to the count of five to drop your sails or we'll send you to the bottom.

(Pirates laughing)

Elliot: (O.S.) I'm putting you on my list!

George: Drop the sails! Drop the sails!

Elliot: I don't know how to untie them!

One-Eyed Louie: Five...

George: They're bowline knots. Break the back!

Elliot: Back of what?! Which?! Where?!

One-Eyed Louie: Four...

George: The rabbit goes around the tree twice, then down the hole. Get the rabbit out of the hole!

Elliot: What rabbit?!

One-Eyed Louie: Three...

(cut to Sedgewick walking around)

Sedgewick: (sings) Looking for the bathroom. (speaks)Oh! How quaint. The princess has a Powder Room! Locked. All right, where's the key?

(cuts back to outside)

One-Eyed Louie: Two...

Elliot: (O.S.) I'm not getting it.

George: The rabbit, the middle, the hole!

(Elliot begins to chew on the rope. Cuts back to Sedgewick)

Sedgewick: Here, key, key, key! Oh! Look, there you are. On a big ring, just like at the gas station.

One-Eyed Louie: One.

Sedgewick: Come on. I got to go!

(Pirates yelling)

Eloise: What a marvelous strategy, pretending you couldn't untie a knot while Sedgewick crept down to the gun deck. What cunning! What bravery!

George: (stuttering ) Oh, it was nothing. Really.

Eloise: I told you they were heroes.

(Elliot then comes down and spits out the rope parts. Sedgewick then peeks out)

Sedgewick: (O.S) I don't have to go to the bathroom no more!

Robert's Ship and Jolly Joe's

(Cuts to a dark place with the a pirate ship with the captured crew of Alexander's ship)

Enemy Pirate: Get a move on. Hurry it up!

Robert the Terrible: Welcome to my kingdom, Prince. It's not quite as home as your father's, but it's great for entertaining.

Sailors: Whoa!

Robert the Terrible: Have fun!

Alexander: You can't hide, Robert. My father will send help.

Robert the Terrible: (laughs) Oh, I would enjoy that. All are welcome.

Alexander: (grunts)

Robert: Watch your step.

(Cuts back to the ship)

Eloise: Any sign of the inn yet?

George: Anything?

Elliot: Not yet.

Eloise: My father will be very pleased that his Helpseeker found you all.

George: You love your dad a lot, huh?

Eloise: Oh, yes. He's a wonderful king. Wise, brave, but he always finds time for me, his little Eloise.

George: Oh, that's great. I'd figure a king would be kind of busy most of the time.

Eloise: Oh, but he's much more than just an ordinary king. Do you have children?

George: Sure do. George Jr. and Lucy. Great kids.

Eloise: I'm sure they know how lucky they are. A hero for a father!

George: (sighs)

Elliot: I see something! It looks like an inn or something.

(we cut to the pirates walking up the stairs to Jolly Joe. Eloise now has a hooded cape on with her)

Willory: I'm asking again, my lady, for your own safety, please return to the ship. You are a princess, and this inn is full of treacherous pirates!

Eloise: Yes, thank you, Willory. But my brother's life may be at stake. Even princesses can do what's right.

Willory: Yes, of course.

Eloise: You'll need to befriend a group of pirates, then ask them about the owner of this cutlass.

George: Right.

Willory: And, for heaven's sake, keep your wits about you. These are treacherous men.

(they open the door and look in shock to pirates, the Pirates in the Inn are Scooter, Scallion #1 and #2, Madame Blueberry, the French Peas, etc)

Pirate: Join in!

Pirates: Argh! (x18)

Scooter: Grab your root beer, hold it high!

Whack your shipmate in the eye!

Yank his hair and break his nose!

Watch your back, it's Jolly Joe's.

Pirates: Grab your root beer, hold it high!

Whack your shipmate in the eye!

Yank his hair and break his nose!

Watch your back, it's Jolly Joe's!

Argh! (x10)

Scooter: You've got it now! Keep it up, lads!

Swing your shipmate, promenade

Smack him with a rusty blade

Spin around and do-si-do

Watch your step, it's Jolly Joe's

Pirates: Swing your shipmate, promenade

Smack him with a rusty blade

Spin around and do-si-do

Watch your step, it's Jolly Joe's

Argh, (x10)

Scooter: Watch your backs, scalawagons!

Pirates: Argh, (x5)

Pirates do as pirates please

We're terrors of the Seven Seas

And when we've pillaged all our foes

There ain't no place like Jolly Joe's!

Grab a keg of ginger ale

Hop up on a wooden pail

Drop it on your shipmate's toes!

Oh!

There ain't no place like Jolly Joe's!

Argh! (x15)

Scooter: Argh, great! Argh!

(Pirates chattering)

Sedgewick: They sound jolly, but they don't look so jolly.

Pirate Jean-Claude: Okay, boys, deal them up.

Pirate: That deck's got to be swabbed.

George: Excuse me, gentlemen. I was wondering if you could, if you could tell me...(stuttering)

(George tittering)

Scooter: What's the matter there? Parrot got your tongue?

All: (laughing)

George: Well, I...

Pirate Jean-Claude: He looks like a captain, but he talks like a cabin boy!

George: It isn't going to work. Let's just go.

Sedgewick: Let me try. You got to know how to talk to these guys. Argh! 'Twas a fine day at sea today. Took a 12-gun brigantine and 10,000 pieces of eight.

Scooter: Argh! Well, we took an 18-gun sloop and 20,000 pieces of eight.

Sedgewick: Aye, but did you show no mercy?

Scooter: Not a bit!

Sedgewick: Were you cruel and unusual?

Scooter: The cruelest!

Sedgewick: Well, me hearties, that was a fine day!

(All laughing)

Scooter: Grab a chair, and join the game! All right! Come on in. Serve them up, pour them up, pull them up.

(Sedgewick gives Elliot a wink and Elliot gives Sedgewick a wink back).

Sedgewick: Ahem! By the way, mateys, have any of you seen this?

(He pulls out Robert's cutlass, scaring the other pirates and making them dessert the place.)

Sedgewick: Is that a yes or a no?

Jolly Joe (Charlie Pitcher): Aye, lad. The cutlass belongs to Robert. Robert the Terrible.

Eloise: (gasps) My uncle!

Jolly Joe: You have his cutlass, but you're not he. The others were fooled, but I know better.

George: You know where we could find this fella?

Jolly Joe: His fortress is hidden. But I've heard tell of an island, past the Rocks of Malabar. On that island, a cave. And in that cave, the clues to finding his secret lair.

Madame Blueberry: Not zat I'd go looking for it.

Jolly Joe: And why shouldn't they?

Madame Blueberry: Zey don't call him "Robert ze Terrible" for nothing. He's ze King's own brother, but he's as bad as ze King is good. Tried to take ze throne by force, he did. And, for his treachery, was banished from Monteria.

Jolly Joe: So he's a little nasty.

Madame Blueberry: A little?

Jolly Joe: (Chuckles) Aren't you up for a little adventure? I hear tell, locked deep in his fortress, he's harnessed the mechanical arts, to make himself stronger than the King.

Madame Blueberry: With his terrible iron legs and arms.

Jolly Joe: Not that terrible.

Madame Blueberry: His iron claw can crack a coconut!

Jolly Joe: Stop trying to scare them. Story says he's waiting for the King to step away, just long enough to grab his beloved children and take the throne for his own.

Elliot: So, what would he do with them?

Madame Blueberry: For Robert to claim the throne, they must be gone!

Eloise: (gasp)

Elliot: On vacation?

Jolly Joe: Princess Eloise?

(Eloise looks and see that Scallion #1 is watching them)

Pirate Scallion #1: (chuckles)

(they close the door)

Elliot: So, what would he do with someone who was helping the Prince and Princess?

Madame Blueberry: A cucumber slices much more easily than a coconut. (She slices a coconut shell with a sword.)

Jolly Joe: Oh, for Pete's sake.

Back to the Ship

(Cut to the pirates heading back to the ship)

Sedgewick: Okay, that's enough adventure for this gourd.

George: Clearing tables is really kind of fun when you think about it.

Elliot: Don't leave without me!

George: Which way would be home?

Eloise: George! Sedgewick! Elliot! Where are you going? We must sail for the island at once!

Willory: Unless, of course, our heroes are giving up.

George: (Tittering) Oh, no. It's just that, you know, heroes can be very busy.

Sedgewick: And now that this situation is under control, we've been beckoned to another crisis. Somewhere else.

Eloise: You must be mistaken. The Helpseeker brought you here, and only the Helpseeker can send you back. According to my father's notes, the red button brings help, and the blue button sends you home. But I don't believe it will light until your work here is done.

Sedgewick: I want to go home! Just get me back to 1972. I'll walk from there.

Eloise: I don't understand. You're our heroes! Brave as lions and cunning as foxes.

Elliot: Are you the lion? 'Cause I'm not the lion.

Sedgewick: No, you're the chicken. He's the spineless sea sponge.

Elliot: Who are you?

Sedgewick: I don't know. I'm like a sleepy little panda.

Eloise: My father brought you here for a reason, and your work here is not done.

(Door opens)

Willory: All right, here are the Rocks of Malabar. But look! There's no island anywhere.

Elliot: But Jolly Joe said there's an island past the rocks.

Willory: Well, you're the King's heroes. I'll leave the interpretation up to you. Ta-ta!

Sedgewick: I don't know about you, but if I bump into that Robert guy, I'm going to wet myself.

George: Well, let's at least go look. It won't be that hard. We sail to the Rocks, look around a little, and then go home. Our work will be done. No island, nothing more we can do.

Elliot: I don't know.

Sedgewick: Well, what if the map is wrong?

George: Come on, guys. We'll be fine. We can look like heroes without doing anything dangerous.

Sedgewick: That does have a nice ring to it.

Elliot: Great plan, George.

Sedgewick: What he lacks in spine, he makes up for in brain.

Yo-Ho Heroes

(cuts to daytime)

Man: Raise the mast on the steadfast! Swept to their bareback seahorse. Say they gonna try the sea course. Who could survive such a dangerous mission? Alongside pirates with zero ambition?

We got the coconuts poured.

We drop the hooks overboard.

And if you get a little seasick.

We play the Haddock for a Hat trick.

We got the hammocks on the main deck

Pirates: Swingin' low

Man: We got the butler doing the hen-peck.

Pirates: Screamin' so.

Man: He say we should have been swabbin' the poop deck.

Pirates: We don't know.

Man: It's what the other pirates do do. But we're bringin' you.

Yo ho hero. Standing in the gap.

Where'd you put the toys? Time to take a nap.

Yo Ho hero. Flighty as a bird.

Easy is the word. Yo, I'm seein' no heroes.

We're on a limbo craze. It's a relic from our limber days.

Now we're stuck inside the Limbo-Zone.

Its where the pirates go with too much time

and a missing spine.

Yo ho heroes. Standing in the gap.

Where'd you put the map? Take another nap

Yo ho heroes. Strike a better pose.

That's the way it goes. Yo, I'm seein' no heroes.

We're on the Bad Mood Swing.

We haven't done one thing.

Not even a minimum daily requirement.

We got the funk without the Parliament.

And if you're feeling a little seasick.

Rise and shine

And if you wanna get off the guilt trip.

Now's the time

Because the captain of the Main Ship.

Rings the chime

He could be comin' before you know Him.

What are you gonna show Him?

Go hero! Standing in the gap.

Taking up the slack. Following the King's Map.

Go hero! Steady as a rock.

I know it's a shock.

Yo, there be a hero.

Go hero! Standing in the gap.

Taking up the slack. Following the King's Map.

Go hero! Steady at the wheel.

Keep an even keel.

Yo, there be the King's hero

Rocks of Malabar

Eloise: The Rocks of Malabar!

Sedgewick: Well, that's it. No island around here.

Elliot: Time to go home.

George: Fellows, fellows! Let us not give up so easily. The island may still lie ahead.

(Thunder rumbling)

Sedgewick: What is that?

Willory: El Remolino, the great whirlpool! But no pirate will sail beyond the Rocks of Malabar for fear of it. I thought it was pirate legend, but there it is.

Sedgewick: Okay, time to go home.

Elliot: No islands out here.

George: No, we're going to keep going.

Elliot: But didn't you hear him? It's a giant whirlpool!

Sedgewick: "Captain George's Death Cruise, brought to you by George, the Crazy Grape!"

Elliot: I thought you were on our side.

Eloise: Thank you, George.

George: Might be a giant whirlpool. Might not be. Let's hold our course!

(lighting crashes)

Willory: That whirlpool holds nothing but our own demise!

George: Oh, really?

Eloise: The island!

Geoge: Huh. How about that?

Willory: What? How could...

George: It's a sea mirage. Water droplets in the air reflecting the sky so perfectly they block the island from view. Weather Channel.

Pirate Scallion #1: (Chuckles) Right on time. And look who they left behind.

(Both laughing)

Elliot: Do you think there are snakes on this island? 'Cause snakes are on my list.

Sedgewick: Oh, I'm sure there are snakes. Big ones, too. And spiders and bears.

Elliot: Huh?

Sedgewick: Of course, the real question is why are we on this island?

George: I don't follow you.

Sedgewick: We had a plan! Sail to the Rocks, don't find the island, go home! Which part eluded you?

George: It was a sea mirage!

Sedgewick: You knew that, but we didn't need to know that.

George: It's an adventure.

Sedgewick: I don't want any more adventure! I should be home on the couch right now, eating cheese curls and watching The Love Boat! Instead, I'm stuck here with Captain Weather Channel on my way to be sliced and diced by Edward Scissorhands!

George: Look, I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just trying to help Eloise. Let's just get the clues for the Princess. Maybe then we can go home. Now, if I were a cave, where would I be?

Elliot: Right about there.

Inside the Cave

(Bats screeching)

(Howling)

Elliot: Dark, creepy caves are on my list.

George: Sedgewick, look for the clues.

Sedgewick: Oh, yeah. To bring me even closer to my death.

(Cut to the two pirates)

Pirate 1: So, what's wrong with our boat?

Pirate Scallion #1: We can't sneak up on them in a pirate boat, you ninny.

(cuts back to the cave)

Elliot: So, what do they look like?

George: What?

Elliot: The clues.

George: I don't know. Maybe a map or a model of the world carved out of rock.

Elliot: Or maybe a billboard.

George: Not likely. Too obvious.

Elliot: No, really. A billboard.

George: What? "If a sailor were to look for me, the East is where he'd start. He'd reach the Isle of Walking Rocks and the Clapping Pass would part. Then gaze with pride upon my keep (not found on any chart). 'Till he would spy my steely eye and fear would stop his heart." Ooh.

Elliot: "Copyright Robert the Terrible. All rights reserved."

Sedgewick: Oh, yeah. That sounds like fun and all, but I'd kind of like to keep my heart going, if it's all the same to you.

Elliot: So, what do we got? We head East to...

George: The Isle of Walking Rocks and the Clapping Pass.

Elliot: And that's where this Robert guy hangs out. And then something about cardiac arrest.

Sedgewick: I don't know, call me crazy, but maybe our senses of fun are a little bit different. (He spots something glowing in the cave.) Holy mackerel. Holy mackerel!

Both: What? What is it?

Elliot: Pieces of eight?

George: Spanish gold?

Sedgewick: Even better. (We see what Sedgewick has spotted. He has spotted...) Cheese curls!

George: What?

Sedgewick: Cheese curls. Thousands of them. Maybe millions!

George: Well, grab a few and let's get back to the boat.

Sedgewick: I'm not going back to the boat. (laughs and jumps in)

George: What do you mean you're not going back to the boat?

Sedgewick: The way I see it, I have two choices. Go back to the boat and continue our little adventure until we all die in terrible ways, or stay on this island and frolic in the sun with a lifetime supply of my favorite snack food. Now, I'm no Albert Einstein, but I'm thinking the choice is pretty clear.

George: But, the Princess, she thinks we're heroes.

Sedgewick: Well, she's wrong. Heroes are tall and strong and brave and handsome, like Sir Frederick. We aren't any of those things. When you're done pretending, come on back. I'll save you a few cheese curls.

George: Fine. Have it your way.

Sedgewick: I will. Thank you.

George: You're not welcome.

Sedgewick: (Chuckles) Where do I start? How about you, my little friend?

(Suddenly, the cheese curl he's holding comes to life and screeches.)

Sedgewick: What?

(The rest of them come to life as well.)

Sedgewick: Hey, hey, hey, fellas?

(Cuts to George)

Outside the Cave/Eloise and Willory Captured

George: Oh, what does he know? I know we're not real heroes but we're not doing so bad. Let's just get back to the boat. Where is she going?

Elliot: She's sailing away.

George: But the clues!

Elliot: Maybe she didn't need them after all.

(Beeping)

George: Are you beeping?

Elliot: It's my bag. (gasps) The ball. It's the blue button! We can go home now.

George: What? That doesn't make any sense.

Elliot: It means our work is done.

George: Where's the rowboat?

Elliot: But the ball! It's blinking! We can go home.

George: Hold on a sec. How long has that been here? (he notices the flag is different) It's one of Robert's boats. But where are the men?

Elliot: The ball! It's blinking!

George: Something ain't right. (He looks through the scope and sees the pirate has Eloise) They've got the Princess! We got to help her! Come on!

(Click!)

Elliot: Listen, when the ball blinks, our work is done and we can go home. Don't you want to go home? Don't you want to see your kids?

George: Sure I want to see my kids. But I also want them to want to see me. You know, maybe the reason they don't look up to me is because I haven't given them something worth looking up to.

Elliot: But the ball.

George: Hey, that ball thought we were heroes. It was wrong about that. It could be wrong about this, too. Look, Elliot. If you want to go home, you can go home. But Eloise needs me. And I need to do what's right. (Grunts)

(whoosh!)

(George keeps moving the boat by himself but then we see Elliot helping him out)

Elliot: Let's go save a princess!

George: Help is on the way!

Cheese Curl Chase

(Back in the caves, the cheese curls chase after Sedgewick.)

Sedgewick: Help! What kind of a crazy B movie am I in? "Attack Of The Killer Cheesecurls?" Okay, guys. Let's be reasonable. I wasn't really going to eat you, but you were impersonating a snack food! (screams)

(Thud!)

(Cuts back to the boat)

George: Okay, we're off!

Elliot: I don't think we can catch up with them.

George: I think you're right. Then we'll just have to follow the clues.

Elliot: The clues?

George: Yeah, from the billboard. Head East to the Island of Walking Rocks.

Elliot: You think that's a good idea?

George: No, but I haven't got a better one.

Elliot: East it is!

(the boats heads East. Or does it?)

George: Uh, The other east.

Elliot: East it is!

(The boat actually heads East. For real this time)

(cut back to the cave)

Sedgewick: (Groans) My sacroiliac. At least I lost those cheese curls.

(He sees the cheese curls walking on the ceiling like bugs.)

Sedgewick: (Whimpers) They're like roaches! Sick, demented, cheese-flavored roaches! They stuck me here on purpose. I bet George knew about those little things from the Weather Channel, too. He's trying to kill me. (panting) I can't climb that. It's too far. It isn't worth it. Eaten by his own favorite snack food. Could be worse. I could be eaten by something I don't like. I give up. It was a good life. At least that one day, from about 2:00 to 2:30.

(He is pinched by a crab.)

Sedgewick: Hey! Where did...That's mine! Ellen. I bet she'd want me to come back.

Crab: (squeaks)

Sedgewick: What? (the crab points to the light) The light. The crab will show me the light. Maybe I can't do it, but maybe I can! (he puts the picture away) And this is the day to find out! (Sedgewick climbs up the rock pile and makes it up.) Sorry, boys! Gourd is off the menu! (He dives into the ocean. Unfortunately, so do the cheese curls.)

Robert and Alexander

(we cut to a prison area with Robert and Alexander)

Alexander: What do you want, Robert?

Robert: Isn't it obvious? I want the throne, the crown! For years I watched my "noble" brother use his power for the benefit of every family in Monteria except our own! Feed the poor, help the sick. The widows, the orphans, blah, blah, blah.

Alexander: My father is a good and generous King.

Robert the Terrible: Indeed. He took Monteria's wealth, our wealth, my wealth, and squandered it on strangers. Peasants! When the crown is mine, I can once again enjoy the benefits of royalty.

Alexander: You're not strong enough to take the crown from my father's head.

Robert the Terrible: Perhaps not. But with you and your sister out of the way, I'll be next in line for the throne. And if your father should have an unfortunate accident...

Alexander: What do you mean?

Robert the Terrible: Ambition is the mother of invention. A little something I worked up during my exile. Amazing what black powder can do, floating just beneath the surface. A little demonstration.

(cuts to outside)

Pirate: Off you go, Your Highness.

Pirates: (Laughing)

(Explosion sounds are heard)

Robert the Terrible: Of course, I can't just leave them in the harbor waiting, or I'll blow up my own ships. So I need to know something. When is the King returning?

Alexander: He didn't say. But even if he had, I'd give my own life before I'd tell you!

Robert the Terrible: But would you give your sister's?

(Door opens and it's revealed that Eloise was taken by the pirates)

Eloise: Alexander!

Robert the Terrible: Surely you must know when your father is returning! (Sighs) If you can manage to remember, I might consider sparing the two of you. You have two hours to think it over. Otherwise, when the sand runs out, so do the Prince and Princess. Put them in their cell.

Alexander: Oh, Father, who can help us now?

The Island of Walking Rocks and The Clapping Pass

(cuts back to the boat with Elliot and George)

Elliot: (singing) Oh Papa's got a gumball, Nellie,

Papa's got a gumball, Sue,

Papa's got a gumball, Nellie

I think I'll blow a bubble for you.

Oh, Papa's got a pork chop, Nellie,

Papa's got a pork chop...

George: Will you stop that?

Elliot: What? It's a good song. Don't you like it?

George: After the 32nd verse, it grates. Besides, it's making me hungry. Look at this. I suppose Robert's fortress is beyond those peaks. But there's supposed to be a pass.

Elliot: The Clapping Pass, right?

George: Right. I don't see anything.

Elliot: You think that's the Island of Walking Rocks?

George: It's got rocks, but they don't appear to be going anywhere.

Elliot: Maybe it's poetic license.

George: I'm going to look for the pass. You hang out here.

(Seagulls squawking)

Elliot: (Chuckles) Walking rocks. (singing) Look at us, we're walking rocks.

We don't wear any shoes or socks.

La-la-la-la-la

(As he's playing with two pebbles, one rock pile comes to life and walks toward Elliot.)

Boy Rock: (Grunts)

Elliot: (Weakly) George? George!

(Rumbling)

George: That must lead to the fortress. Hey, Elliot!

Elliot: (screams) The rocks!

George: Huh? (screaming)

Elliot: (screams)

Girl Rock: (chuckles)

Elliot: There's another one!

Both: (screaming)

Baby Rock: (Cooing)

Elliot: Do you think one of those could crush a coconut?

George: Are you kidding? One of those could crush a Volkswagen!

(Suddenly, the rock children's father wakes up.)

George: I think we woke up Dad.

Elliot: Do you suppose he'll put the kids on time-out?

George: Not likely. It was nice knowing you, Elliot!

Elliot: You too, George. Thanks for the adventure.

George: Don't mention it

Both: (Crying)

(Sedgewick swims up to the shore.)

Both: Sedgewick!

Sedgewick: (coughs) Hey! I've been looking for you. I followed the clues. They worked out pretty well. That was a swim. (gasps) Company?

(Much to Sedgewick's annoyance, the cheese curls have followed him across the ocean.)

Sedgewick: Oh, no. I hate these guys!

Cheese Curls: (screeches)

Sedgewick: (Screams)

(Rocks giggling)

George: Sedgewick, keep it up. I think they like it.

Sedgewick: Oh, sure, yeah. I'll just keep running all day. No problem. Oh, it had to be me. It's not...I am so tired... Would you...

Dad Rock: (Laughs)

Sedgewick: Somebody eat them. Would you?

Girl Rock: (giggles)

George: That was a good idea, swimming over here with those...Whatever they are.

(rumbling)

George: Oh, no. We got to get through there before it closes!

Sedgewick: What? Why?

George: Robert has the Prince and the Princess.

Sedgewick: Hang on. Now, this is the guy who wants to crush us like coconuts, right?

George: Uh-huh.

Sedgewick: And you're going to go in there and stand up to him?

George: Yep.

Sedgewick: And you're in on this, too?

Elliot: Mmm.

(Both grunting)

Sedgewick: Okay.

George: We go to row through before it closes.

Sedgewick: I don't think that's possible, and that's coming from a guy who just swam 92 nautical miles without arms or legs.

George: Well, you got a better idea?

(Dad Rock suddenly stops the book)

Dad Rock: (grunts)

George: Yeah. We need to get through. Can you help?

(Dad Rock grunts and points to the Clapping Pass)

Sedgewick: What's he gonna do, chuck us into the side of the mountain?

George: We'll just have to trust him.

Sedgewick: Trust him? He's a rock!

(Dad Rock throws the ship further away from the island)

All 3: (screams)

Sedgewick: "Trust the rock," he says. I don't understand.

(Dad Rock begins hopping on rocks)

Elliot: Guys?

George: We're not going to make it. The pass is almost closed.

Elliot: Guys?

(Dad Rock begins hopping on rocks again)

Sedgewick: "Trust the rock. Trust the rock."

(Dad Rock jumps off the rocks, making a cannonball move)

Elliot: Guys!

Both: What?

(Dad Rock jumps into the ocean, making a huge splash that moves the boat faster to the Clapping Pass.)

George: Row!

(Our heroes row quickly as they make it past the two rocks before they close completely. When the rocks collide, they sound like they're clapping slowly.)

Encountering the Dragon

Elliot: Oh, the Clapping Pass. I get it.

George: Must be some kind of a secret bay or something.

Sedgewick: So, where's this fortress? Oh.

George: Found it.

Sedgewick: Won't they see us coming?

George: We're flying their flag. We should be fine.

Elliot: There you go. They got a garage!

Sedgewick: Well, that makes it easy.

George: Too easy. It's not guarded or anything.

Sedgewick: They don't need to guard it. Nobody can find this place.

(suddenly a part of the water begins bubbling)

Elliot: Huh? Hey, guys? There's bubbles.

(A mechanical sea dragon rises out of the water and roars.)

All 3: (screaming)

Sedgewick: Look out! He's going to eat us! (Crying) Don't eat me!

(Elliot jumps on top of the ship and gets his sword out)

Elliot: Back off, serpent, or taste my steel! (swings the sword at the Sea Dragon)

Sedgewick: What?

(The dragon swallows Elliot alive.)

Dragon: (roaring)

(Before the dragon can go for George and Sedgewick, it stops.)

Sedgewick: Huh?

(The dragon's mouth closes and then opens again. Elliot carves his way out of the dragon and shows he turned it off with a lever.)

Elliot: Hi, guys. It's a contraption. I found a big lever inside, shut the whole thing down. Pretty cool, huh? (Sedgewick and George faints) Guys?

Ceramony and Heading Home

(cuts to the King's Ship. Eloise is handing out medals to each of the Pirates))

The King: For amazing tenacity, unwillingness to give up. For extraordinary bravery in the face of grave danger. For leadership and cunning in a time of great peril. You wish to speak?

George: We're glad we could help. Your kids are real sweet. But the ball, it doesn't work right. We're no heroes. We're cabin boys.

The King: There were no mistakes. The Helpseeker picked exactly whom I intended. And I made sure you had everything you needed to complete the task. The crab that showed you the way, the lever that saved your friends. The donkey from above. The adventure I call you to may not be easy ,but you'll never journey alone. My help is always there.

Elliot: When we were on the island, the ball said it was time to go home.

The King: That was a test, which you passed with flying colors .Sometimes, a test helps us decide what matters most. The hero isn't the strongest or the fastest or the smartest or the best-looking. The hero is the one who, no matter how hard, does what he knows is right. Monteria! I give you three heroes!

(Everyone on the ship cheers. Later, the heroes get on a rowboat, ready to go home.)

Willory: Are you sure you don't want to stay? We can always use a few more heroes.

George: No. I want to see my kids.

Sedgewick: And my Ellen!

Elliot: And Bernadette!

The King: Fare thee well, friends. Your work here is done.

(Unbeknownst to them, Robert the Terrible grabs onto their boat.)

Elliot: Sure enough. Hang on.

External links

• Encyclopedic article on The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie on Wikipedia