The Office (season 9)

season of television series

Season 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 | Main

The Office (2005–13) is an American NBC situation comedy and mockumentary that depicts the everyday lives of office employees in the Scranton, Pennsylvania, branch of the fictional Dunder Mifflin Paper Company. It is based on the British show of the same name.

New Guys [9.1]Edit

Andy: Why is Nellie still here?
Toby: You can only fire Nellie for cause.
Andy: Then I will make up a cause.
Toby: Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now, if she sues, I have to testify against you.
Andy: Then forget I just told you that.
Toby: I can't. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. Sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean?
Andy: Now I know why Michael hated you so much.
Toby: No, he didn't.

Creed: In the parking lot today, there was a circus. The copier did tricks on the high wire. A lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator. A strongman crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company.

Andy's Ancestry [9.3]Edit

Darryl: Seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets.

Work Bus [9.4]Edit

Jim: Laverne packs up the pie wagon at 5:00, so...
Kevin: At 5:00? That's only 20 minutes from now. [looking at map] The pie shop is 13 miles away. So at 55 miles an hour, that just gives us five minutes to spare.
Angela: So, wait, when pies are involved, you can suddenly do math in your head?
Oscar: Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?
Kevin: 314 pies.
Oscar: What if it were salads?
Kevin: Well, it's the... carry the 4... it doesn't work.

Here Comes Treble [9.5]Edit

Erin: The more I hear about all this a capella drama, the more I think it's kind of pathetic. But when you're with someone, you put up with the stuff that makes you lose respect for them, and that is love.

The Boat [9.6]Edit

Oscar: I have to say I'm impressed with Kevin. He showed a lot of self-control.
[cut to Kevin in interview]
Kevin: I totally forgot about the affair for a minute. [laughs] Oscar is having sex with the senator and Angela doesn't even know. [laughing still] Her life is a complete sham!

Lice [9.10]Edit

Meredith: Who's the one that didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure, I gave everybody pinkeye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars. And yeah, I BMed in the shredder on New Year's. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.

Dwight: [locked inside Andy's office] Attention, people of the office. You have exactly sixty seconds to evacuate the bullpen. At that time, [pulls pin from grenade] I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide as well as...
[Drops grenade, which goes off, filling office with gas]
Erin: Dwight, are you okay?!
Dwight: Whoa. That butoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Ten, nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple...
[Dwight faints]
Erin: Wow. He got to purple.

Promos [9.18]Edit

Kevin: [Comes into the office to find Phyllis with her eyes closed and earbuds in] Uh oh, she's doing it again!
[Cut to Pam and Clark in interview]
Pam': Phyllis has gotten into audiobooks, and lately she's been listening to 50 Shades of Grey, which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about um, uh...
Clark: It's porn.
Pam: Yeah.

Andy: Hold on, why us Phyllis so aroused?
Pam: She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey.
Andy: Well, there you go. That's muy caliente.
Dwight: Ok, you are useless. I'll take care of this.

[Pours a bucket of water all over Phyllis to wake her up]

Phyllis: WHAT THE HELL!?
Dwight: It's ok, guys, she's no longer horny.
Andy: Excuse me, dirty birdie.

Andy: I'm about to lose my freaking mind! Screw you, TexasPoonTappa!

Livin' the Dream [9.21]Edit

Jim: I'm taking some time off from work - well, my other work - because we needed it.
Pam: It's great.
Jim: It's great.
Pam: The phone's been ringing off the hook. The guys in Philly are kinda going nuts.
Jim: But that doesn't matter. This does. We've had some really nice days together.
Pam: M-hm. Nice morning too.
Jim: [through stifling laughter] Beesly. Oh my god.

A.A.R.M. [9.23]Edit

Jim: You watched it?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: [handing her an envelope] Then I guess you're ready for this.
Pam: What's that?
Jim: It's from the teapot. Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note. [Pam reads the note and is truly touched] Not "enough" for me? You are everything.

Dwight: [through a megaphone] Listen to me! I love you! And I don't care that Phillip's not my son! I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means I can be with you!
Angela: Can you put that down?
Dwight: This expresses how loudly I love you!
Angela: It's too loud.
[Dwight puts the megaphone down, gets on one knee, and pulls out a ring]
Dwight: This is a ring taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.
Angela: Okay. Yes. Yes, I will! [They embrace and kiss] I love you. And I lied to you.
Dwight: What?
Angela: Phillip's your son.
Dwight: What? Why would you say...
Angela: I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.
Dwight: Get out! I'm a dad!
Angela: You're a dad!

Finale [9.24]Edit

Jim: Dwight, I don't know how to tell you this, but...we have a little bit of a problem.
Dwight: Oh, no. What?
Jim: The minister just told me that it's tradition for the bestest mensch to be older than the groom.
Dwight: Oh, come on. I've never heard of such a thing!
Jim: I haven't heard of it, obviously. But I'm out, because I'm significantly younger than you.
Dwight: No! Not—significant is a big word.
Jim: Well, either way, Dwight...[pause] I can't be there for you. I'm sorry.
Dwight: Jim.
Jim: I just...really wish there was something I can do.
[Jim looks straight ahead. Dwight turns around and sees Michael]
Dwight: Michael. I can't believe you came.
Michael: That's what she said. [Dwight cries out in joy and hugs Michael]
[cut to Jim in interview]
Jim: Best prank ever.

Andy: The weird thing is now I'm exactly where I want to be. I've got my dream job at Cornell, and I'm still just thinking about my old pals. Only now they're the ones I made here. I wish there was a way to know you're in "the good old days", before you've actually left them. Someone should write a song about that.

Darryl: Every day when I came into work, all I wanted to do was leave. So why in the world does it feel so hard to leave right now?

Creed: It all seems so very arbitrary. I applied for a job at this company because they were hiring. I took a desk at the back because it was empty. But, no matter how you get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home. [camera zooms out to show Creed in handcuffs, escorted by two police officers] Let's do this.

[The series' last lines]
Jim: I sold paper at this company for twelve years. My job was to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and types of copier paper. Even if I didn't love every minute of it, everything I have, I owe to this job. This stupid...wonderful...boring...amazing job.
Pam: I thought it was weird when you picked us to make a documentary. But all in all, I think an ordinary paper company like Dunder Mifflin was a great subject for a documentary. There's a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn't that kind of the point?