The Nanny (season 3)
third season of television series The Nanny
The Nanny (1993–1999) is an American sitcom tarring actress Fran Drescher as Fran Fine, a charming and bubbly Jewish Queens native who casually becomes the pantyhose-clad nanny of three children from the New York Upper Class.
Pen Pals [3.1] edit
- Fran: You wouldn't believe I'm the fastest woman on Earth?
- Mr. Sheffield: In that outfit, I would.
- Mr. Sheffield: Where is Ms. Fine anyway?
- Niles: She's upstairs getting all farpitzed.
- Mr. Sheffield: What does that mean?
- Niles: You know, dressed.
- Mr. Sheffield: I thought that was farblondzshet.
- Niles: No, sir, that means confused.
- Mr. Sheffield: No, man, that's farkakteh.
- Niles: Well then, what's farshimlt?
- Mr. Sheffield: I think that's her uncle.
- C.C: So, tell me, Rochester. What'd you do to kill a day before I came along?
- Niles: Well, truth be told, my life was a little empty...[Gives a smirk to C.C] But now I have a hobby.
- C.C.: I loathe you.
- Niles: I despise you.
- C.C.: Servant.
- Niles: Trollop.
- C.C.: Bellboy.
- Niles: Brunette.
- [C.C. and Niles suddenly embrace and kiss deeply. After a moment, Fran and Maxwell return, both having a shocked look on their faces at the sight. The door closes, causing C.C. and Niles to break their kiss. They both compose themselves, and C.C. gathers her stuff and walks to the door]
- C.C.: Maxwell, Fanny Nine. [Niles opens the door for her] Swine.
- Niles: Chicken. [Closes the door]
Fran And The Professor [3.2] edit
- Mr. Sheffield: It's President Clinton's Renaissance Weekend. I was hoping I'd be invited.
- Fran: Oh, a Renaissance Weekend. Boy, Clinton goes to those things? 'Cause I'm thinking tights and a pointy hat is not his best look.
- Mr. Sheffield: Where is this brother of yours, C.C.?
- Fran: Brother? There's a brother coming? Is he short, ugly and married?
- C. C.: No, why?
- Fran: Then I gotta change.
Dope Diamond [3.3] edit
- Fran: Ma, Jules is gonna be here in two minutes. Would you stop futzing with my skirt? Can you believe her? Stop it!
- Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, she's your mother. She's just pulling it down.
- Fran: She's my mother. She's hiking it up.
A Fine Family Feud [3.4] edit
- Fran: I felt just like my mother when I told her I lost my virgin... [Sees Grace] Airline tickets.
- Grace: Did they give you another one?
- Fran: No, honey. When you lose that ticket, it's non-refundable.
- Niles: Unless you get engaged to Prince Charles, then it miraculously reappears.
- Fran: Ma, you have nothing to do with this!
- Sylvia: I have nothing to do with my daughter's boss's daughter's sweet sixteen?
Val's Apartment [3.5] edit
- Fran: Gracie, that whining is so annoying. (whining) Where did you pick that up?
- Val: Oh my God, a roach! A roach!
- Fran: Well, take your shoe off and kill it!
- (Val takes off her shoe and steps on the roach with her bare foot)
Shopaholic [3.6] edit
- Fran: The years are passing me by! 27, 28, 29, 29, 29...
- Mr. Sheffield: Just spare me the details.
- Niles: Alright, but it's about Danny and Heather Biblow.
- Maxwell: Alright, come on, dish!
- Niles: Well, you didn't hear it from me, but Heather wants Val out of the bridal shop so Danny fired her.
- Maxwell: He didn't!
- Niles: He did.
Oy Vey, You're Gay [3.7] edit
- Fran: Er...I'm letting go and you're not. Why?
- Sydney: Aren't you gay too?
- Fran: Me? I'm not gay.
- Sydney: I just assumed. You're over 30, never been married, there isn't a man in your life...
- Fran: Oh, honey, I'm not gay. I'm just pathetic.
- Fran: Oh my god.
- Mr. Sheffield: What? Another rat?
- Fran: Worse. There's an echo in here. I just heard my own voice.
The Party's Over [3.8] edit
- C.C: Maxwell, I can not tell you how exited I am about our little weekend...[sprays perfume on her] getaway...[sprays more perfume] to Boston. [sprays more perfume]
- Mr. Sheffield: Its a business trip C.C
- C.C: Of course I know that. Work work work. In fact, I'm on my way to get a wax-I mean fax.
- Niles: Don't worry sir you'll be near Salem, they know how to take care of her kind there.
- Mr. Sheffield: Niles you don't think C.C wants to go to Boston to um...you know.
- Niles: Shout the British are coming?
- Judge: Miss Fine? Do you have your attorney present?
- Fran: Oh... my attorney present. Oh-oh... you know what, I'm not going to get him anything. Let's see how he does first.
- Judge: (to the bailiff) Is this a competency hearing?
- Fran: (about Fran's uncle and lawyer) He's strictly pro bono.
- Val: Really? Well I'm glad he's not representing me because I'm pro Cher.
The Two Mrs. Sheffields [3.9] edit
- Fran: My God, Val, Mr. Sheffield proposed to me just to get even with his mother!
- Val: Wow! ...Good thing she showed up, huh?
- Fran: I can't marry someone under false pretenses!
- Val: You can't? Gee, you think you know a person.
- Fran: (Running into Maxwell's office) Look at this! 'Hello Dolly' spelled out in Spaghetti O's! I swear it fell out of the can that way!
(in Maxwell's office talking about Mr. Sheffield Proposal to Fran)
- Mr. Sheffield: Hang up man I'm not going through with it
- Niles: Oh you stupid fool
- Mr. Sheffield: what a rotten thing to do dragging Miss Fine in the middle of all this, Poor thing has a crush on me as it is.
- Niles: oh she does, does she?
- Mr. Sheffield: Oh come on man, wouldn't you?
- Niles: Yes well you've always been the sunshine of my life.
- Mr. Sheffield: Oh I don't know Niles, Maybe I'm making too much of all this, I mean surely she must realize I just blurted it out in the heat of the moment, Yea she couldn't have possibly have taken me seriously.
- Fran: That's what i was gonna wear on our honeymoon night.
Maxwel: There's nothing in here but lip gloss. Fran: Suffer
Having His Baby [3.10] edit
- Mr. Sheffield: I just can't understand why we're not as productive as we were last year. Profits are down, ticket sales are down...
- Niles: [Looking at C.C.] But some figures are increasing.
- C. C.: Listen, Hazel (laughs) Don't you have anything to dust off?
- Niles: How about the left side of your bed?
- Fran: (looking at picture of her ex-boyfriend, Danny's newborn baby) Oh, I'm so jealous!
- Niles: (grabs picture from Fran) Miss Fine, I can't see why this picture makes you yearn for a child. I could see a Lhasa Apso...
The Unkindest Gift [3.11] edit
- Sylvia: Fran, you're probably wondering why I'm acting so strange.
- Fran: Ma, you've been here for two seconds. You yelled, you ate. The only thing strange is that you haven't showed me a wedding announcement from a girl I went to high school with.
- Sylvia: It's in my purse.
- Sylvia: You know I don't like to be filmed when I'm eating.
- Fran: Which is why there's more footage of Bigfoot than of her.
The Kibbutz [3.12] edit
- Fran: Oh, Niles, it's so hard planning a vacation when you're single.
- Niles: Yes, it's so much nicer when you have a family so you can lug their ski equipment around Vale, sit around the fire listening to "Niles, get me a brandy!" "Niles, get me a comforter!" "Niles, go out in that blizzard for a PIZZA!"
- Mr. Sheffield: Niles!
- Niles: WHAT... is that on your shoe, sir? Let me get that for you.
- Mr. Sheffield: Every time I ask you to do something, you always manage to screw it all up.
- Fran: And yet you continue to ask me. You need help, mister.
- . . .
- Mr. Sheffield: Why do I ever listen to you?
- Fran: Well, my voice is kinda hard to tune out.
An Offer She Can't Refuse [3.13] edit
- Fran: Hi, you must be Mr. Tattori.
- Tony: Please. My friends call me Tony. [Kisses her hand]
- Fran: [Pulls it back] What does your wife call ya?
- Tony: I'm divorced.
- Fran: [Extends it again] I'm Fran.
- Fran: So... tell me about yourself. What do you like to do besides dress like a million bucks and drive around in a limo? Which is all I ever really aspire to.
- Tony: It is not important what I do. It is important who I am.
- Fran: Who are you?
- Tony: It is not important who I am. It is important who I am with.
Oy To The World (animated Christmas special) [3.14] edit
- [Fran and Brighton watch a live-action clip of Fran Drescher on TV]
- Fran: [chuckles] I love her. You know, I've seen her in person. She looks much younger.
- [Grace walks to the window]
- Grace: Fran, the storm is getting worse. How is Santa going to deliver all the presents?
- Fran: Gracie, the man is bigger than Dom DeLuise and can fit through a chimney. Believe me, he can get through a blizzard.
- [About C.C. the Abominable Babcock]
- Niles: She's only happy when she's making everyone around her miserable.
- Fran: Sounds like my mother.
- Niles: Be careful. She's 2000 pounds with arms like a wrestler.
- Fran: Oy, she is my mother.
The Fashion Show [3.15] edit
- Mr. Sheffield: Niles, get this piece of trash out of here!
- Niles: [To C.C.] You heard the man. Move it!
- Mr. Sheffield: Have I let my judgement be impaired by my feelings for Ms. Fine?
- Niles: What feelings are those, sir?
- Mr. Sheffield: Well, you know—
- Niles: No, I don't, sir.
- Mr. Sheffield: Oh, c'mon, Niles—
- Niles: But you'd feel so much better if you just said it.
- Mr. Sheffield: Perhaps you're right! Maybe I should just admit that—
- Fran: [Enters] Knock-knock!
- Niles: Oh, WAIT!!
Where's Fran? [3.16] edit
- Mr. Sheffield: Oh, look at the time. Where did the day go?
- Niles: Time flies when you're being unreasonable... sir.
- [Yetta enters with a policeman]
- Mr. Sheffield: Yetta, what happened?
- Policeman: [Motioning the crazy sign] We found her wandering around on Queen's Boulevard. She says she lives here.
- Yetta: [Aside to Maxwell] Play along. It's cheaper than a cab.
- Mr. Sheffield: Officer, thank goodness you're here. Look, our nanny is missing. She stormed out of the house this morning and we haven't seen her since.
- Yetta: She got upset when he called her a gorgeous, sexy vixen he couldn't live without.
- Mr. Sheffield: I never said that!
- Yetta: Don't you wish you had?
The Grandmas [3.17] edit
- [Niles is writing a sign]
- Mr. Sheffield: Can you imagine Ms. Fine thinking I'm predictable! Me! Mr.—
- Niles: [In unison] —Spontaneity.
- Mr. Sheffield: Niles, you don't think I'm predictable, do you? [Niles shows his sign: "Of course not, sir"] Well, predictable is good, predictable is solid... Oh, God, even I knew I was going to say that.
- Niles: If I were you, sir, I'd do something before she wakes up in the bedroom of another man... sion.
- Mr. Sheffield: Niles, I want her to be happy here. How do you suppose I go about satisfying Ms. Fine?
- Niles: [Awkward silence] Well, the second way, sir—
- Mr. Sheffield: Niles!
- Niles: Just shake it up, sir! Do something wild, out there, totally unexpected, I don't know. Give me a bonus!
Val's Boyfriend [3.18] edit
- Niles: I'm sorry, sir. I just— I just got so excited. I mean, she said and then— then you said and— and when she said "I quit!" well, I—I just wanted to roll over, light up, and watch Letterman.
- Mr. Sheffield: I just can't be genuinely insincere the way Ms. Babcock is. I tried calling everyone sweetie darling like she does. Now Harvey Fierstein's making pesto for me on Thursday.
Love Is A Many Blundered Thing [3.19] edit
- [Teaching Brighton a lesson]
- Fran: Guess who's picking you up from school tomorrow? My mother!
- Brighton: So?
- Fran: Straight from jazzercise in her thong leotards. And you know, she don't wait outside neither. She's gonna wanna come in and meet all your little friends.
- Brighton: [higher-pitched] So?
- Fran: Maybe she'll even do her flash dance. You know, she's a maniac.
- Brighton: [repentant] No! I'm sorry! I'll be a good boy!
- Fran: It is too late, mister. You'd better be watching your back and sleeping with one eye opened! And brush your teeth after every meal! [gets a look from val] What? I'm still his nanny.
Your Feet's Too Big [3.20] edit
- Mr. Sheffield: People want to do business with me because I'm, well, cute. Big bushy hair, English accent. I'm a one-man mop-top British invasion.
- Niles: I think Ms. Fine made it up that your hair is thinning because you weren't sympathetic to her problem.
- Mr. Sheffield: That's because she doesn't have a bloody problem! Look, Niles, she's a young beautiful woman. What do I have to do to convince her she's desirable?!
- Niles: Oh, sir, I'm sure you'll think of something. [Sprays cologne on him] After all, you're a man, she's a woman, fill in the blanks. The children are at the school, she's lying on the sofa and if all else fails, what would Pierce Brosnan do?
Where's The Pearls? [3.21] edit
- Mr. Sheffield: [to Fran] You're my nanny. You take care of my children.
- Fran: But I've got style, I've got flair. How did I become the nanny?
- Niles: How do you do, Tiss Maylor? I'm Biles, the nutler.
- Maxwell: It doesn't matter who's coming over, Miss Fine, because you're not going to meet her... him, or it.
- Fran: You know, I cannot believe that you don't trust me. I mean, I sit here cooped up in the house all day, you never introduce me to any of the stars that you know, you never let me in any of your shows. I have a good mine to get Little Ricky and... oh.
- C.C.: Nanny Fine, I need you to drop off this script to Antonio Banderas!
- Fran: Forget it, Miss Babcock. I already know who's coming over here.
- C.C.: You told her about Elizabeth Taylor?!
- Maxwell: No. You did!
The Hockey Show [3.22] edit
- Fran: I don't care if I ever get married. Meanwhile, my mother has a sudden urge to jump out the window and she doesn't know why.
- Mr. Sheffield: Margaret, if you were Ms. Fine, what car would you like to drive?
- Maggie: Uh... my husband's.
- C.C.: [Covered with egg yolks and broken egg shells] Maxwell, you've got to do something about that woman. There are people out there throwing EGGS! [Grabs a towel and walks off.]
- [Maxwell looks befuddled, then Niles walks into the kitchen from the outside with an empty egg carton. Maxwell sees him and gives Niles a stern look]
- Niles: ...What? Everyone else was doing it.
That's Midlife [3.23] edit
- Mr. Sheffield: C.C., life is short. You should go back to doing what you were doing when you were young.
- Niles: Sir, there's so little call nowadays for Civil War nurses.
The Cantor Show [3.24] edit
- Fran: If God listened to my mother, I'd be living in a mansion with a handsome millionaire and gorgeous kids. (stares at the ceiling) She forgot to say "married"?!
- Lady: Shhh!
- Sylvia: Calm down, it's in Hebrew. What, are you afraid you'll miss something?
- Maxwell: I Knew It. I knew it!!........ Andrew Loyd Webber is God
Green Card [3.25] edit
- Fran: Ooh, croy-sants!
- Niles: [correcting her] Croissants. I never thought I'd say this to you but more nasal.
- Niles: (to CC) No sour grapes, you could have foreign men worship you too. Go to India. You'd be sacred.
Ship Of Fran's [3.26] edit
- Captain: Welcome aboard the Century, ladies. I'm your captain.
- Fran: [With Yetta hanging onto her] How do you do? I'm Fran Fine and this is my birth control device.
- Yetta: You look so different without your blue uniform and your big handlebar moustache.
- Fran: Yetta, that's Cap'n Crunch.
- Yetta: I know who it is. That picture on the box must have been taken years ago.
- Mr. Sheffield: You can't trust him. He won't make you happy.
- Fran: I don't want to be happy. I want to be married.
A Pup In Paris [3.27] edit
- Mr. Sheffield: I told mother no one should get a hold of their trust fund until they're at least 30 years old.
- Brighton: 30?! I'm not gonna have a date 'til I'm 30!
- Fran: Honey, at least when you turn 30, you'll be rich. When I turn 30, I'll be... 40.