The Middleman (TV series)
American television series
The Middleman is an American television series developed by Javier Grillo-Marxuach for ABC Family and based on the Viper Comics series, The Middleman, which was created by Grillo-Marxuach and Les McClaine.
Season One
editThe Pilot Episode Sanction
edit- Wendy: Hello, nutjob. Party of one.
- Wendy: Get a hold of yourself man. What's easier to believe: a gorilla holding a gun or a big hairy guy doing a drive by?
- The Middleman: I don't get it, why the mob?
- Dr. Gibbs: Money! Fast, tax-free cash money. This is a federally funded lab. Every year the government is less and less interested in making smarter apes and every year they slash my budget. Without money, I will never fulfill my dream.
- The Middleman: What dream?
- Dr. Gibbs: To build an army of genetically engineered super-apes...
- Dr. Gibbs/The Middleman: (together) ... and take over the world.
- The Middleman: What makes more sense? That a monster trashed a science lab or that a gas main exploded? If I hadn't planted your Zippo some pink skin normal would have still come up with a rational explanation. People want to believe reality's normal. The ones who don't are freaks and no one believes them anyway.
- The Middleman: Special Agent Watson, slacking off the dress code, I see.
- Wendy: Oh, I don't do dress code after sundown.
- The Middleman: It's bad apples like you that put Mr. Hoover in a dress.
- Wendy: Thank you for calling A.N.D. Laboratories, re-scrambling your DNA, how may I direct your call?
- The Middleman: You know how in comic books there's all kinds of mad scientists and aliens and androids and monsters, and all of them either want to destroy or take over the world?
- Wendy: In comic books, sure.
- The Middleman: Well it really does work like that.
- Wendy: Get out.
- The Middleman: You already forgot what you saw?
- Wendy: And you're the superhero?
- The Middleman: I never wear tights.
- Wendy: I'm crushed.
- Wendy: ...and [rule] three, you don't date my roommate. Got it?
- The Middleman: That's just mean. I'm single. I'm eligible!
- Wendy: Just drive.
- The Middleman: Are you ashamed of me?
The Accidental Occidental Conception
edit- Wendy: Uh, the Boy Scouts called. They want their family counseling merit badge back.
- The Middleman: (about Wendy's worries for Lacey) I can see this development is upsetting, but I must remind you to...
- Wendy: (interrupting) ... Delay any emotional reaction until we've safely delivered the Earth from peril. I got it without the lecture
- The Middleman: Caffeine is a drug, Dubbie.
- Wendy: I'm holding a molecular stun cannon.
The Sino-Mexican Revelation
edit- Wendy: Uh, Sensei Ping. Like an unborn lotus festering in the mud waiting to blossom, I come to you with humble greetings to beseech your guidance, most awesome...
- Sensei Ping: (laughs) Did The Middleman tell you to recite the most hallowed verse of greetings to Sensei Ping?
- Wendy: Uh, yes.
- Sensei Ping: He is such a comedian. You know, most of us masters of the martial arts are actually very laid back.
- Wendy: Really?
- Sensei Ping: No! (slaps her)
- Wendy: Uh, why is my car being surrounded by a bunch of lucha libre wrestlers?
- Sensei Ping: That is a very long story for another day, my impudent young weasel.
- The Middleman: Well la-di-da, Dubbie. You must be mistaking the Clan of the Pointed Stick for one of the rational societies of paranoid celibate martial artists.
The Manicoid Teleportation Conundrum
edit- Wendy: Shouldn't it be "Middleperson" or "Middlewoman"?
- The Middleman: We did have a Middleboy once.
- Wendy: What does that make me, the "Middlegirl"?
- The Middleman: What is this device?
- Wendy: Uhh, it's the thingy you point at things with.
- The Middleman: This is the BTRS scanner.
- Wendy: And BTRS stands for…?
- The Middleman: Beyond the Realm of Science. As in, this machine scans for things that are…
- Wendy: Beyond the Realm of Science? Wow. Handy.
- The Middleman: I know you and I have been through Hell and back together…
- Wendy: I thought Hell and the Underworld were two different things?
- Wendy: So did I ace it, or did I ace it?
- The Middleman: There's acing it, and there's what you did. Kind of like shooting a cow with a Howitzer.
- Wendy: I would never shoot a cow.
The Flying Fish Zombification
edit- Wendy: And I get the feeling you don't share my enthusiasm.
- Ida: Then I'm wearing the right expression.
- Ida: Sensei Ping loves pain and suffering like tornadoes love trailer parks.
- The Middleman: My gut says we may be dealing with the seminal stages of a zombie outbreak.
- Wendy: Entrail-ripping brain-chewing zombies?
- The Middleman: The very same.
- Wendy: Cool.
- The Middleman: Do you not realize how serious a zombie outbreak is? A Middleman once died in a zombie outbreak only to come back as a zombie, his own Middleman in Training had to shoot him in the head. Do you want to shoot me in the head?
- Wendy: Well, no.
The Boyband Superfan Interrogation
edit- Noser: You got your nude self-portrait into a gallery show?
- Pip: That was my sister. And no, my period of erotic sibling representation is over.
- The Middleman: But I've always been fascinated by the ability of preassembled sets of submasculine archetypes to tug at the heartstrings of a 12-to-17-year-old fanbase.
- Wendy: Funny, I've always been fascinated by their ability to bring up my lunch.
- The Middleman: Now, let’s try to get there before that little girl sucks the band through a hole... (noticing Wendy's horrified expression) ...in space.
- The Middleman: Dubbie, before I activate this, I have one question. Answer truthfully: are you pregnant?
- Wendy: Are you kidding?!
- The Middleman: I'm as serious as Mao Tse-Tung's heart attack!
- Wendy: No!
- The Middleman: Is there any chance you might be pregnant?
- Wendy: Only with anticipation at what you're gonna do with that tube-y gizmo thingie.
- The Middleman: Seriously, Dubbie! No chance?
- Wendy: I'm pretty sure-
- The Middleman: Pretty sure's not sure!
- Wendy: Look! Do you want me to go into the stark and gore-less details of my post-Ben dry spell? Where all I see when I look at a guy are the 422 pressure points I know to incapacitate him?
- The Middleman: ...okay. (activates the device)
The Cursed Tuba Contingency
edit- Lacey: What do you do for a living?
- The Middleman: We are international consultants that solve exotic problems for corporations, individuals and even governments. Obviously our clients often prefer anonymity.
- Lacey: That's so clear... concise.
- The Middleman: We're agents Boetticher and Kennedy from American Shrimp and Crab Amalgamed Processors. Law enforcement branch.
- Cecil: ASCAP?
- The Middleman: We avoid using the acronym for copyright reasons.
- Wendy: But, uh, whenever unexpected shrimp or crab appear in the context of a homicide, we're not far behind.
- Ida: Time to quit your grinning and drop your linen, people.
The Ectoplasmic Panhellenic Investigation
edit- Ida: I told young Tyler to scram.
- Wendy: You made the cute boy go bye-bye?
- Wendy: But Casper's such a friendly guy.
- The Middleman: Dubbie, I can badge my way into Fort Knox. I can talk my way into Lincoln's bedroom. But a sorority house? When it comes to that forbidden stronghold of femininity, I'm afraid penetration is nearly impossible.
- Wendy: That's not what I've heard about the Omegas! Oh!
The Obsolescent Cryogenic Meltdown
edit- Wendy: I just wish I wasn't having such a difficult time of this.
- Lacey: Sex, waffles and video games? What am I missing?
- Wendy: Can you keep a secret?
- Lacey: Have I told anybody about that thing with the blueberry pudding pops and the elliptical machine?
- Lacey: You got to stop looking for the emotional rip-cord, Dub-Dub, or you're going to find out that your parachute is really a backpack.
- Wendy: What's that even mean?
- Wendy: Check this guy out. The Fabulous Face. He tries to replace everyone in the White House with evil doubles.
- The Middleman: And he succeeded, though no one seemed to notice at the time.
- The Middleman: (awkwardly) Dubbie...hey...
- Wendy: That's all, just "hey"?
- The Middleman: Yes...hey. There's something we need to discuss. It involves your Middlewatch...and the Real-Time Situational Recording Archive.
- Wendy: Oh, you mean that thing on my wrist that records everything I...(horrified realization) Oh my God. You...you saw me and Tyler!
- The Middleman: Now...now, Dubbie, there is watching and there is seeing, and I did not watch. But I did see. It was a passing glance, really...although part of my training involves being able to memorize an entire scene with a single look...
- Wendy: AAAGGGHH!
- The Middleman: There's a protocol called "Code 86". It's for when Middlemen need some private time.
- Wendy: You're just telling me about this now?!
- The Middleman: I didn't think you'd need it this soon!
- Wendy: Does it bother you? Having "Original Recipe" hanging around?
- The Middleman: He's hardly original anything. He's just one in a long line, as am I, doing the job.
- Wendy: "The job" means that he's wearing a hook for a hand for the rest of his life. Why does he do it? Why do you do it? Can't retire happily, can't fall in love...
- The Middleman: Can't fall in love? Who told you that?
- Wendy: He did.
- The Middleman: It's not impossible for us to find love. It's impossible for him.
- Wendy: Well...how come you aren't with anyone?
- The Middleman: (wistfully) My choices are my own. But rest assured, I've loved and been loved. If you can't find happiness, that's on you. Not the job or anyone else.
The Vampiric Puppet Lamentation
edit- Wendy: Oh, I'm a gonna get my Buffy on.
- Wendy: I'm not sure Vladdy's gonna start biting anyone just yet.
- Ida: Look, it's trying to think.
- Ida: (to Wendy) No pressure, hon. I fully expect you to fail.
- The Middleman: If you want to help Mr. Noser right now, you'll dedicate yourself mind, body , and soul to preventing undead creatures of the night from rising from the grave to suck him dry.
- Wendy: You don't talk to other humans much, do you?
- The Middleman: Dubbie, did he just turn into a bat puppet?
- Wendy: Man, I don't even have an opinion.
The Clotharian Contamination Protocol
edit- Lacey: Look, I don't care what you say, you are going to that interview and I'm driving you there.
- Tyler: Lacey, I'm a musician.
- Lacey: And this is like Bono offering you a job.
- Noser: Bono, Buddha and the Wizard of Oz.
- Tyler: Seriously, Dubbie, since you and I met, I've been writing like a song-nado.
- Wendy: A tornado made of songs?
- Tyler: You know it.
- Noser: If you saved his life using kung fu, he owes you what the Chinese sifus, the Japanese sensei, and the Jedi Knights refer to as a "life debt".
- Lacey: Every kung fu movie ever made can't be wrong.
- Noser: In terms the common man can understand: you own his ass.
- The Middleman: Son of a monkey's uncle, Wendy Watson, which part of "this is an emergency" didn't you get?
- Lacey: Wendy, why is your boss standing outside our door wearing a hazmat suit?
- The Middleman: I'm not gonna lie to you, Dubbie. The tailgate party's about to begin and we have a 10' manure hoagie on our hands.
- Wendy: What's with the salty language?
- The Middleman: Voyager 2 is rocketing back home, and it's coming in hotter than the devil's wedding tackle.
- Wendy: Whoa, that was filthy.
- Lacey: Put this on.
- Tyler: That's the tie that Wendy and I hang on the stairs when we're…
- Lacey: Like I don't know.
- Wendy: Shouldn't we be doing this in the lab or something?
- Ida: So did they teach you about labs in art school?
- Wendy: Yes, and they also taught me about the ancient art of color matching.
- Wendy: What if something happens to the box?
- Ida: Well, then I'd say it's been nice knowing ya, but it hasn't.
- The Middleman: It's your chance to handle a piece of history, albeit through triple-strength prophylactics.
- Wendy: No. And please don't call them that.
- Wendy: Clothar? The war-torn galaxy that sent us Varsity Fanclub, five intergalactic dictators masquerading as a boy band and threatening to destroy Earth and everyone on it?
- Ida: You remember that? And I thought you were on the happy leaf the entire time.
- Wendy: Showers?
- Ida: Yeah. D-con protocol, honey. That's what you get for being made of meat.
- The Middleman: (stripped naked) There's no such thing as modesty when life and death are at stake. Now, quit your grinning and drop your linen.
- Wendy: I'm not grinning.
- The Middleman: I record a Code 47 for you during every mission. I'm as serious as a German film festival.
- The Middleman: (pre-recorded) Dubbie, if you're seeing this, I have perished in the Underworld. Hopefully, we've stopped a thousand years of fire. If not, you might want look into getting an asbestos umbrella. Or a really good insurance policy. (edit)
- The Middleman: (pre-recorded) Dubbie, if you're seeing this, we were unable to stop Varsity Fanclub, the Clotharian rebel fleet opened up a warphole, and their armada has reduced the planet Earth to a smoking cinder. I'm not sure how you managed to survive, but "Good for you!"
- Wendy: Ida. It's me, the toker. Hophead McStoney. Pick up!
- Wendy: Can I say something?
- The Middleman: That's what the Founding Fathers fought for.
- Wendy: What's up with the vents? I mean we're coming from an isolation chamber inside a secret headquarters built by an organization so covert we don't even know who they are. Yet somehow we have vents large enough to crawl into with accessible registers everywhere. Was this building designed by TV writers or what?
- The Middleman: No, it wasn't.
- The Middleman: Nanobots are strong, but you're smarter. It's like what Sensei Ping says about weasels.
- Wendy: They can easily hide in a tube sock?
- The Middleman: That their love of battle is surpassed only by their love of shiny things."
The Palindrome Reversal Palindrome
edit- Wendy Watson: Who leaves a palindrome?
- The Middleman: Typical supervillain horse feathers. Can't wait to hear this guy's monologue. "I am the Palindrome, feel my power! Power my feel, PALINDROME THE AM I!" Peter-pipin' weirdos.
- The Middleman: Eyes without a face! Polydichloric Euthimal, you fool! Do you have any idea what you've done?!
- Toy store owner: What kind of grief counselors are you?!
Individual
editThe Middleman
edit- The Middleman: Oh, phooey. (repeated line)
- The Middleman: Profanity cheapens the soul and weakens the mind. (Episode 1)
- The Middleman: Let's kick the tires and light the fires. (Episode 1)
- The Middleman: I'm as serious as a Hefty bag full of Rottweilers. (Episode 2)
- The Middleman: Katy bar the door! (Episode 2)
- The Middleman: Grapes of Wrath, Dubbie, do you have any idea how much of the Earth is made up of...earth?! (Episode 2)
- The Middleman: Hands Across America! (Episode 2)
- The Middleman: Sands of Zanzibar! (Episode 2)
- The Middleman: Guns of Navaronne! (Episode 2)
- The Middleman: What the monkey! (Episode 3)
- The Middleman: Jumping bananas, we're in Dutch. (Episode 3)
- The Middleman: Mutual of Omaha! (Episode 3)
- The Middleman: Sweet mother of Preston Tucker! (Episode 3)
- The Middleman: Hot flaming pork buns, I knew it! (Episode 3)
- The Middleman: Lord love a duck! (Episode 4)
- The Middleman: Great hearts of palm! (Episode 4)
- The Middleman: Flowers for Algernon! We're on our way. (Episode 5)
- The Middleman: We don't find an antidote...(sigh)...her heart's gonna explode like a sausage casing full of weasels. (Episode 5)
- The Middleman: Hold the onions! (Episode 6)
- The Middleman: Chocoholics Anonymous! (Episode 6)
- The Middleman: Shoots and ladders! (Episode 6)
- The Middleman: Hawks of the Luftwaffe! That's it, you've cracked it! (Episode 6)
- The Middleman: Great Barrier Reef! (Episode 7)
- The Middleman: Tropic of Cancer! (Episode 7)
- The Middleman: Sweet Molly Brown! (Episode 7)
- The Middleman: Ghosts of the living! (Episode 8)
- The Middleman: Great Caesar's ghost! (Episode 8)
- The Middleman: Story of O! (Episode 9)
- The Middleman: Fragments of moon rock! (Episode 9)
- The Middleman: Fire and brimstone! (Episode 9)
- The Middleman: Ripley's Believe It or Not! (Episode 9)
- The Middleman: Halls of Montezuma, Dubbie! (Episode 9)
- The Middleman: Shores of Tripoli! (Episode 9)
- The Middleman: Bram Stoker's widow! (Episode 10)
- The Middleman: Son of a monkey's uncle, Wendy Watson! Which part of "this is an emergency" didn't you get? (Episode 11)
- The Middleman: Hold the wire! (Episode 11)
- The Middleman: Pipefitters' Local! (Episode 11)
- The Middleman: Eyes without a face! (Episode 12)
- The Middleman: My Little Pony! (Episode 12)
- The Middleman: House of Pancakes! (Episode 12)
- The Middleman: Jimmy crack corn! (Episode 12)
