The League

The League (2009–2015) is an American sitcom, airing on FX and later FXX, that explores how the online sports obsession of fantasy football affects marriages, friendships, families, and completely shuts down Sundays.

Season 1

The Draft [1.1]

Kevin: Oh, bullshit, dude. I'm doing the work this year, OK! Yeah, I may even fly out to some mini-camps. How about that? Ever think about that? OK. I'm ready to go are you ready to go!?

---

Taco: This is for you, Ellie. Happy birthday, princess.

Kevin: Yay, Taco!

Taco: [singing] It's your birthday today
What does that mean? I guess I'll try to explain
That five years ago on this day
It was the first time your parents saw your beautiful face.
And 9 months before that magical day
Your dad probably took your mom out on a date
And they were having a good time.
They were dancin’ and drinking wine
Happy Birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday.
And when they got home they were horny as hell
And your dad threw your mom down on the bed
And he tore her panties off
And his wee-wee was hard as a rock.
And at this point your mom wanted to give your dad head
But your dad also wanted to give your mom head
So they formed a 69
And your mom came at least 3 times.
And then your dad was so excited to get inside your mom
That he forgot to put a condom on
And when he realized his mis....

The Bounce Test [1.2]

Andre: Let me buy you a drink, on me.

Taco: No, no, that's cool, man. I don't pay for drinks here. The bartender's my Eskimo brother. What's up, T-Bag? Can I get the usual?

Andre: What's an... Eskimo brother?

Taco: Eskimo brother: when two guys had sex with the same girl, they're Eskimo brothers. You have to know what your Eskimo family tree is. That's how you get things done.

Andre: Is that like your platinum card?

Taco: How do you guys get things done?

Pete: We have jobs.

Andre: We went to college.

Pete: Yeah, we make money and we purchase things.

Taco: You guys are weird.

---

Ruxin: Look, I know you're just doing this to get, like, a little vacation from your marriage, but can't you just scurry back for, like, one week?

Pete: Being married to Meegan is like being at the beach, okay? You put up with all of this shit that's completely unacceptable in any other situation, except that, "hey, we're at the beach!" You know, it's like you're shivering in your shorts in 50-degree weather, but, "hey, we're at the beach." The truth is, some beaches suck. Some beaches are bad. And I know you can't really see this because you're still living at the beach, but I left. I can't go back to the beach, man. I'm done. [Ruxin just nods noncommittally] What, you don't ever think of divorce? Ever?

Ruxin: No. I mean, I've thought about it, but I would never do it.

Pete: What, do you have a moral stipulation?

Ruxin: No. If Sofia and I split up, 50% of my time, I would have to spend 100% of my time with my kid. Right now, I'm rocking, like, 50% coverage 30% of my time. You cannot beat those numbers. Also, if we got a divorce, she would get half of my money, making me ostensibly poor yet still paying her to just get pounded by other dudes, which will happen because she is still smoking hot, whereas I look like a Nazi propaganda cartoon of a Jew.

Pete: Wow, you have really crunched the numbers on this, my friend.

Sunday at Ruxin's [1.3]

Jenny: You named your dog Kale?

Ruxin: Yeah.

Kevin: I told you in confidence that we were trying to have another baby, and if it's gonna be a boy, we wanted to name it Kale.

Ruxin: It's a great name. We can share the name.

Jenny: No, I'm not...

Kevin: No, we're not sharing "Kale".

Ruxin: He looks like a Kale. I mean, look at him. He's a Kale.

Jenny: I hate you.

Kevin: You screwed me here. You did, because now instead of Kale, we're gonna have to name him after one of her uncles.

Ruxin: What's that name?

Kevin: Moral. Moral MacArthur.

Ruxin: He sounds like a Civil War general.

Kevin: Can you just change your dog's name?

Ruxin: This dog is real. Your baby is hypothetical and, I think, a mistake.

---

Jenny: It's not as advertised, Ruxin.

Ruxin: Excuse me. I apologize if I wanted to bask in the reflective glow of my very close friends.

Kevin: We want to watch the football games. What are you doing?

Ruxin: Look. My wife is in the mood to cook a Sunday lunch. And so if I'm not allowed to watch the games, none of you can watch the games.

Pete: That's very sweet. Thank you.

Ruxin: I have put the games on pause. All we need to do--

Kevin: That doesn't--

Jenny: That doesn't work.

Ruxin: ...is respect the pause. We just need to go on an information lockdown.

Andre: Well, that doesn't work 'cause I don't trust you.

Pete: [pointing to Jenny] This one's a spy.

Jenny: Me? You don't trust me? I don't trust him. [pointing to Andre] Look at that shirt.

Kevin: I don't trust myself in my heart.

Ruxin: I don't trust any of you, but I'm willing to try.

---

Terry Bradshaw: [on phone] You think I'm just gonna let you cheat your friends just so you can win?

Pete: Yeah, man, I was kinda hoping you would.

Terry: Ain't gonna happen. One other thing, all right? Do you hear me?

Pete: What's that?

Terry: I hated my uncle Pete.

Pete: [after Terry hangs up] Great.

Ruxin: Who was that?

Pete: That's my new mortal enemy.

Jenny: Andre?

Andre: Meegan?

Kevin: The dude deep-dicking Meegan?

Ruxin: Scintillating dinner conversation?

Mr. McGibblets [1.4]

Pete: Meegan and I are doing the whole splitting-up-of-the-stuff, and I realize I left one crucial element in the bedroom.

Kevin: A handgun.

Pete: No, it's a tape.

Kevin: What kind of tape?

Pete: A...tape.

Kevin: You guys made a sex tape?

Pete: You didn't make a sex tape? You don't have one?

Kevin: No! I don't make sex tapes. I don't do that.

Pete: You watch porn.

Kevin: Yeah, well, just because I like to eat doesn't mean I cook.

---

Ruxin: [to Pete] Let's keep the couples massage. Just remember when you're entering Andre, not to say Kevin's name.

---

Ruxin: Check out the hingis on that one.

Pete: Oh, right, Martina Hingis. Could any name sound more like genitalia than the word Hingis? She got a nice pair of Sharapovas over there. Some Capriatis poking through.

Andre: Oh, gentleman, check this out. Looks like the Williams sisters are playing doubles today.

Ruxin: Her jeans are so tight, you can see her Kim Clijsters.

Pete: I think I see a little Becker under there.

Kevin: [running in] I want to drop my Lendls in her mouth.

---

Andre: I gave Peter Ronnie Brown, and he gave me Plaxico Burress.

Kevin: Are you serious?

Ruxin: Are you for real?

Andre: See you guys in the playoffs.

Kevin: He trade-raped you. You've been trade-raped.

Andre: He did not trade-rape me.

Kevin: How many games have you seen Plaxico Burress play this year?

Andre: I don't know, but the Giants have been doing...

Kevin: [imitates buzzer] Answer is zero, because the guy is in jail for two years, you moron.

Andre: He told me that wasn't Plaxico Burress.

Kevin: How did you not hear about this? Did you get a hit from Taco's bong?

Andre: I heard about it. I didn't think it was that guy!

Kevin: That's him!

Taco: You're such an idiot.

Kevin: From the mouth of babes.

The Usual Bet [1.5]

Jenny: [brandishing Ruxin's broken figurine to angry bar patron] Hey, man, you all just back off, all of you. I've worked really hard this year to put together an amazing team. I have studied the waiver wire; I know all the sleepers; I have done the bye-week plug-ins—I have done it all. And all I want to do is watch the game and find out how my team does.

Kevin: It's...really my team. She doesn't run...

Jenny: Hold my purse, Kevin. Boys, let's go.

---

Kevin: God, I thought I had it this year. I can't believe it. I really did. And now it just...it's over, so...

Pete: Well, it's not officially over actually. There's still the small matter of the bet.

Kevin: Yeah. The usual bet.

Jenny: You didn't make that same bet again?

Kevin: It's weird, though—the usual bet may have to take an unusual turn this year due to the fact that I technically did not really run my team.

Pete: You know, that's an excellent point, because, Jenny, you have made it emphatically clear that you set the lineups and you do the trades, and you do most of the work, so...

Jenny: You're really gonna make me do this?

Kevin: Yeah.

Pete: You always say you want to be one of the boys, Jenny.

Kevin: And boys do stupid things like get naked in alleyways.

Pete: Yeah, for a minimum of two minutes.

Kevin: Don't worry, though. I'm gonna hold your purse and your lip gloss.

Jenny: Fine.

[Defiantly, Jenny takes off her clothes]

Kevin: No.

Pete: A bet's a bet.

Jenny: You ready? You sure? Two minutes?

[Down to just her panties, Jenny walks down the alley]

Pete: Wow, she's actually doing it.

Kevin: A bet's a bet.

The Shiva Bowl [1.6]

Taco: What did I tell you? Hot girl, Volkswagen Jetta. It's a law, like water or dinosaurs.

Kevin: Not one of those things is a law, Taco.

---

Ruxin: Pete lost. We won. I'm gonna take Shiva and make her mine tonight, and I'll deliver her to Andre tomorrow.

[He kisses Kevin and excitedly runs off]

Kevin: Oh, Rodney! God damn it! [Ruxin runs back and Kevin shields himself] No!

Ruxin: I forgot my keys. Where are my keys?

Kevin: I don't know.

Ruxin: Oh, they're in my pocket. They're in my pocket

[He nutshots Kevin and runs off again]

Kevin: [doubled over, laughing through the pain] Oh, you son of a bitch. I HATE MY FRIENDS!

Season 2

Vegas Draft [2.1]

Kevin: This is your plane ticket, Taco.

Taco: Thank you for paying for it, brother. To pay you back, I will teach Ellie to ride a motorcycle.

Kevin: That's not necessary. She's only six.

---

Ruxin: By the way, the term "what happens in Vegas...", that should be, like, buried in a graveyard of overused expressions along with "You go, girl" and "Show me the money."

---

Jenny: I want to know: who didn't vote for me?

Ruxin: It's a secret vote. Can't discuss the details.

Chad Ochocinco: Wow, I would've voted for you. There's already one woman in this league. Ain't that right, She-Dre?

Andre: You, too, really? I'm paying for your room, man.

Jenny: I don't know, guys. I just think it's really sad that you are afraid to lose to a girl. I think you did it because you're scared of me.

Kevin: You can still be on my team if you want to be.

Jenny: What I want to do is inflict as much pain on each and every one of you as possible.

Andre: How are you going to do that?

Jenny: Ruxin, do you want some help?

Ruxin: Are you serious?

Jenny: Yeah, I'll help you out with your draft.

Andre: It's unfair.

Ruxin: Fortune favors the just!

---

Taco: [on the redone league trophy with a small statue of Andre] Why doesn't it have a penis?

Ruxin: Oh, because it's anatomically correct, Taco.

---

Ruxin: [on the various hot women in the club] My wife is hotter than her and her. My wife's hotter than her. My wife's hotter than her.

Kevin: Okay, we get it. You out-kicked your coverage with Sofia.

---

Taco: [snaps four times] Racist lions don't like playing the game. Yesterday the game was to eat a lot of yogurt.

Andre: President Andrew Jackson?

Taco: Yeah, who else would Old Hickory be?

Bro-Lo El Cuñado [2.2]

Ruxin: Rafi's coming by for a drink.

Pete: You invited him here? Why?

Ruxin: Cause he's in the league. He's our friend.

Andre: You know we hate him, right? You realize that. We call him "El Cuñado".

Kevin: He's vile.

Ruxin: By the way, "El Cuñado" just means "brother-in-law" in Spanish. I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to make it sound dirty.

Kevin: No, it does sound dirty.

Andre: [sounding dirty] El Cuñado.

Pete: El Cuñado. When did you become such a fan of El Cuñado? You used to rip on him constantly, and then all of a sudden you marry his sister and he's your best friend now?

Andre: You used to call him, like, a homeless, ethnic Santa Claus.

Ruxin: It happened to be around Christmastime, and he was carrying a big bag of things.

---

Andre: Your brother stole my car.

Ruxin: He's not my brother. Bro-Lo El Cuñado.

Andre: If he has sex in that car, you're buying me a new one.

Ruxin: Well, someone will finally have sex in your car.

Andre: I went down on a girl in that car.

Pete: That wasn't a girl.

Andre: Yes, Turner syndrome, XXY.

The White Knuckler [2.3]

Pete: [on Kevin's shelves full of For Dummies books] That's a lot of books.

Ruxin: I thought these were all Yellow Pages.

Kevin: Why would I keep Yellow Pages?

Ruxin: Why would you keep a stack of "How I'm a Dummy" books everywhere?

Kevin: Because this is my own personal research library.

Pete: [perusing the books] Stretching for Dummies.

Ruxin: Holiday Entertaining for Dummies.

Kevin: Those things are high-pressure situations.

Pete: Cryptography for Dummies. Three seconds—what is cryptography?

Kevin: You know what, that came in a set.

Ruxin: Oh, Kevin. Law for Dummies?

Kevin: I should've hid that one.

Ruxin: You're a lawyer, Kevin.

Kevin: It's full of common sense legal advice.

Pete: Jesus! Mexico's Beach Resorts for Dummies. How hard is it to hang out in a beach in Mexico?

Ruxin: Is there a How to Hide Your Glaring Lack of Knowledge From Your Friends for Dummies, cause that's one you should've bought.

---

Andre: I met this doctor, Dr. Maxwell. Real class act.

Pete: Is he...black?

Andre: How'd you know?

Pete: Nine times out of ten, when a sportscaster is referring to someone as a "class act", they're talking about a head coach who's black. "Tony Dungy, what a class act."

Kevin: "Total. Lovie Smith—class act."

Andre: I never noticed that. I mean, it happens all the time?

Kevin: It's not just football. Sportscasters use these code words in all sports. If they're talking about a Latino player in baseball, like, "Ozzie Guillen is a..."

Ruxin: Firecracker. Latin guys are always firecrackers.

Kevin: "...firecracker."

Pete: Spark plug.

Kevin: Spark plug in the clubhouse.

Ruxin: Wes Welker is like a gym rat, a real scrappy player.

Kevin: Which is code word for "white."

Ruxin: Always a white guy.

Kevin: Ichiro Suzuki is...

Taco: Inscrutable.

The Kluneberg [2.4]

Kevin: You cannot be in a league with Russell

Jenny: Why? He called the other day, they needed an extra person, we were talking, he asked me if I could do it.

Kevin: Jenny, Russell is a sex addict.

Jenny: There's no such thing as a sex addict. There's just guys.

Kevin: Yes, guys who want to sleep with everything.

Jenny: Yeah, guys.

Kevin: This guy is perverted, all right? Who starts a league week three?

Jenny: Whatever. I'll figure it out. We're going over there for the draft, and I'm excited.

Kevin: Jenny, I don't want you to be in a league with Russell the sex machine. I want you to be in a league with me.

Jenny: Really?

Kevin: Really.

Jenny: Well, it didn't sound like that in Vegas, did it?

---

Pete: Enter initiate, please.

Jenny: [entering with a plate] I made brownies...

Ruxin: No, no, no, no, don't take food from the initiate. Kneel!

Jenny: No.

Ruxin: Stand.

Jenny: No. I think I'll sit and just be comfortable.

Ruxin: Sit comfortably!

Jenny: Thanks.

Andre: Wait, that's all the hazing? You guys hazed me for two weeks. I'm still finding pieces of squid all over my apartment.

Kevin: So, due to last night's circumstances, Raffi has decided to leave the league. So we welcome a new member. Welcome, sweetheart.

The other guys: "Sweetheart"? No.

Andre: That's all she gets? You guys called me "dick cream" for two years.

Kevin: You want "dick cream" back?

Andre: No. I wanna be called Andre, Dre, D-Man, all right?

Jenny: Raffi left me with, like, a roster of total crap, and I was thinking that maybe we could just redraft.

The guys: No!

Andre: No, no, no. You're on your own now. Welcome to the league.

Jenny: All right, I accept the challenge. And I will take this donkey of a team and I'm gonna turn it into a champion, dick cream.

Andre: No, no, no, no dick cream.

Jenny: But just FYI, you guys. You know your buddy Russell? Not a sex addict.

The guys: Oh, yeah, he is.

The Marathon [2.5]

Pete: What are you drinking?

Andre: Oh, it's this amazing energy supplement. It's Sports Performance Utility Nutrition Kick.

Kevin: SPUNK.

Andre: Yeah, Oh, you guys heard of it. Yeah, it's the best. SPUNK is amazing.

Jenny: Yeah?

Andre: It just gives me so much more energy. I just suck these down. I love SPUNK.

Pete: But what does it taste like, just out of curiosity?

Andre: It's a little salty. But when you're running, you just want it. Like, I want some SPUNK, you know?

Kevin: Do you have, like, a favorite flavor SPUNK?

Andre: I don't think they have flavors or just different colors. I like the black kind.

Pete: So where do you get this stuff?

Andre: I got a guy.

---

Twyla: Look, I know you have been avoiding me, but I need a donation from you for Team Twyla for our marathon.

Ruxin: Yeah. I just don't know if I'm supporting Team Twyla this year.

Twyla: Excuse me?

Ruxin: See, I just don't negotiate with charity terrorists.

Twyla: What are charity terrorists?

Ruxin: Charity terrorists are people like yourself who force me to give money to things against my will. It's almost a jihad against my wallet. Let me ask you a question, Twyla. How much of that marathon did you run last year?

Twyla: Well, I walked as much as I could, and then I ran a bit and then I walked some!

Ruxin: On that walk, did you stop at TCBY?

Twyla: Yes.

Ruxin: Well, I also love The Country's Best Yogurt, but I don't expect you to pay me to go on the elliptical to work it off. But if you do want to lose some weight, you can start by not eating my chicken salad sandwich out of the fridge.

Twyla: Okay, well, then, why don't you put your name on it, Rodney?

Ruxin: 'kay, everybody calls me Ruxin, and I can't believe I work in an office full of hungry hungry hippos!

---

Taco: Friends, you are looking at a licensed notarizer.

Ruxin: The word is notary.

Taco: No, no, that's the plural.

---

Andre: [to Pete] You might not know this, because I haven't seen you training, but the whole secret of marathon running is keeping yourself limber and flexible at all times.

Ruxin: It's not dressing like you're the fifth member of Color Me Badd?

---

Jenny: So you didn't have a problem getting Ellie over to Jackie's?

Kevin: I thought you brought her to gymnastics.

Jenny: No. I brought her to gymnastics, and you were supposed to pick her up and drop...oh, my God.

[Kevin and Jenny rush out of the bar]

Andre: Parent fail.

---

Taco: I just ate a shit-ton at Sizzler. I have the strength of four Salisburies, three sirloins, and a gallon of root beer inside me. Let's notarize!

The Anniversary Party [2.6]

Ruxin: You can't just bring some rando girl just because you have a "plus one".

Andre: She's not a rando girl, okay? She likes me, she's super techie, very cool. You guys are going to love her.

Pete: Oh. The techie. Yeah, I get it.

Andre: What?

Pete: That explains all the tech gear.

Andre: No, I just like this stuff.

Pete: Come on. You're a boyfriend chameleon, you know this.

Andre: Am not.

Pete: Yes, you are. You are so desperate for shared interests, you basically just adopt whatever hobbies the person you're dating has.

Andre: Not true.

Pete: Not true?

Andre: Not true.

Pete: Lest I bring up Hippie Girl. Anyone? Please chime in.

Ruxin: Absolutely.

Andre: All right, you know what? Starchild was wonderful, all right? I was hacky-sacking way before I ever met her.

---

Kevin: Do me a favor and say, "happy anniversary."

Jenny: I will when she says, "happy birthday."

Kevin: No, you say it first.

[They exchanges hellos with Ruxin and Sofia]

Jenny: You look lovely.

Sofia: Thank you. This is the same dress that I wore at my rehearsal dinner the night before my wedding.

Jenny: Oh, the night before my birthday?

Sofia: My wedding.

Jenny: My birthday.

Sofia: My wedding.

Jenny: My birthday.

Sofia: My wedding five years ago. Can you believe the dress still fits? Actually, I had to take in it just a little bit.

Jenny: I am going to go get a drink.

---

Stacy (Andre's date): It is so great to finally meet you guys in person. Rodney?

Ruxin: Ruxin.

Stacy: Oh, my God. I found some of your college poetry—on an archived Prodigy page—and I just have to say, "Hernando's Song" was beautiful.

Sofia: What is she talking about?

Stacy: It is beautiful. And you, Kevin. How many times do I have to poke you before you accept my friend request on Facebook?

Kevin: I don't even know who you are.

Stacy: Sofia, oh, my God. [leaning in close] By the way, love the nose job; it's perky, cute, but it doesn't rob you of your ethnicity, you know? Anyway, I'm going to grab a drink. Do you want something?

Andre: Whatever you're having. [They kiss and Stacy walks away] Isn't she great?

The others: No.

Sofia: She's weird.

Jenny: Totally weird.

Andre: What do you mean, she's weird? No.

Kevin: She's strange, man.

Sofia: Shit's natural, bitch.

Andre: Okay, guys, just chill out. She Googled you guys.

Kevin: No, no, she Googled too deep. She's a deep Googler. She's like page five shit, man.

Jenny: No, actually, I am kind of curious about this poetry thing you've got going on, Rodney.

Ruxin: It was a goof.

Andre: [on his iPad] I got it right here. "With auburn hair and dark, dark eyes, Hernando rode the steed of love into the gallows of my heart."

Jenny: Hernando's a man's name.

---

Ruxin: [on hearing the others ordering shots] It doesn't need to be top-shelf.

Andre: Oh, we're not driving. Taco got us all cars.

---

Ruxin: Your rando plus-one just Tweeted about my anniversary.

Andre: That's so great. Did she use the #greatevent?

Ruxin: All I know is that I just got a call from my cousin who is one of her 831 followers on Twitter.

Andre: That's so cool.

Ruxin: No, because he wasn't invited because I don't want him here because he collects ferrets.

Andre: Well, that's what you get when you live your life on the Net.

Ruxin: You know, your life on the Net is even sadder than your life on Earth.

---

Taco: Can I have your attention, everyone? It has taken me five years, but I've finally completed Ruxin and Sofia's wedding gift—their wedding video.

Ruxin: But we already have a wedding video.

Taco: Yes, but I was shooting behind-the-scenes footage with my own camera without any of you knowing. I wanted to capture the wedding cinnamon very day style.

---

[In Taco's video]

Ruxin: I'm worried that her family full of conquistadors is going to round up my whole family and stick us in a basement and put yellow stars on us.

Andre: That's the worst case scenario.

Ruxin: What is it with Catholicism? Why is the baby running the show here?

Pete: No, no, don't touch, don't touch. You'll burn your skin.

Ruxin: I don't know why I'm marrying this woman. Why couldn't I just marry a nice Jewish girl—Andrea Greenblatt in fourth grade?

Pete: Because you like blowjobs.

Ruxin: I love blowjobs! I haven't even written my vows yet, Kevin.

Kevin: Your vows are the easy part. Very simple. This is what you do. "Love is a..." any noun you want. Any noun you want, all right? You just do that. "Love is a journey. Love is a commitment." And on the third one, you can't get it out. "Love is a...hold on, give me a second. [Starting to cry] I can't get it out. I just...I need a second. Love is a wonderful thing." And that's it—done.

Kevin: What I felt tonight was...

Jenny: Was "insert adjective here."

---

Ruxin: Taco has organized this whole night just to mess with me and beat me this week, and I'm not going to let that frittata do it. He's a sly fox.

Andre: No, he's not a sly fox. He's at the bar trying to cut his own hair with a knife.

---

Kevin: Babe, I'm so sorry about today. I really screwed up.

Jenny: Why? It's kind of the best birthday ever.

Kevin: Really?

Jenny: Are you kidding me? It's like a train wreck. I can't look away.

Ghost Monkey [2.7]

Taco: [after throwing an irate monkey out of the car] Oh, my God. I think we just killed him!

Pete: We didn't kill it, okay. Monkeys land on their feet. They're like masturbating cats.

---

Witch: His spirit is very restless; there's a terrible noise.

Taco: Oh no, is it Savage Garden? Five for Fighting? Boyz II Men? Please tell me it's not Boyz II Men.

Witch: He's covering his ears!

Taco: Is it Creed? Nickelback?!

The Expert Witness [2.9]

Kevin: [in court seeing Taco eating popcorn] Taco? I knew one day you'd get arrested. What did you do?

Taco: I'm here for the show.

Kevin: What show?

Taco: My favorite show's Judge Joe Brown, and my cable's out, so I figure this will be the next best thing.

---

Kevin: What if you didn't pick up Mike Bell?

Jenny: Why wouldn't I pick him up?

Kevin: Love.

Jenny: Are you trying to collude with me?

Kevin: Shh. Don't put words in my mouth. There's no colluding. I'll say this. If this was to occur, I would give you some really good sex.

Jenny: Really?

Kevin: I would do that. I would try my best.

Jenny: Do you not try your best now?

Kevin: I will give you 100% for four minutes, and then, like, 60% for the five minutes after that. And then after that, you're on your own.

Jenny: You naughty little commissioner.

Kevin: Yeah.

Jenny: You know what you can do are all of Ellie's thank-you notes.

Kevin: Why doesn't Ellie do her own thank-you notes?

Jenny: Because Ellie doesn't need Mike Bell.

---

Kevin: Why would you think I'm colluding?

Ruxin: Your wife asked you to do something, and you did it on the first ask. It takes my wife three asks before I'll do something menial like take the trash out, and we have a loving marriage.

---

Ruxin: Why are you and Kevin colluding?

Jenny: Have you ever been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia?

Ruxin: They brought me in for an evaluation in middle school, but I left before the psychiatrist could give me his final diagnosis. [Whispering] 'Cause he had it out for me.

---

Taco: [chased by April's husband] Hey, buddy. Calm down. Listen, listen. Big misunderstanding, okay? Nothing happened, okay? We just had sex.

High School Reunion [2.10]

Andre: You guys ready for the reunion this weekend? [The guys say no] You guys are going, right?

Ruxin: Absolutely not going to the reunion. Why would I want to go? The reunion is the worst thing in the world. I see all the people from high school that I want to see, and I don't even enjoy that.

---

Kevin: Why didn't you just move out of the way, Taco?

Taco: Why? I couldn't stop. I was at the vinegar strokes.

Andre: What are vinegar strokes?

Taco: It's the point during the sexual experience when a man is about to orgasm, and he makes likes someone put a spoonful of vinegar up to his nose.

---

Ruxin: [on Frank the Body] I don't miss that guy. That guy is the worst. He makes me appreciate you guys. That's how awful he is.

Kevin: Thank you.

Ruxin: And he called me the Herdsman.

Kevin: Oh, the Herdsman! We haven't called you that in a while!

Pete and Andre: Hyah!

Ruxin: It was never even my nickname.

Kevin: Ruxin, if we lined up every girl you had sex with in high school, we could run for 1,000 yards behind them in the NFL.

Ruxin: At least I got laid in high school.

Pete: Yeah, you got laid because you are a rabid hyena on the mountaintop, just digging up every scrap you could find.

Ruxin: People gotta eat.

Andre: Well, yes, that was the motto of most of the girls you dated.

---

Andre: [seeing a video of Taco having sex on his desk] I can't believe you did all of that on my desk!

Taco: I'm as upset as you are. I realize you can't capture your own vinegar strokes. That's why I need to watch you having sex.

Andre: No, you're not going to watch me have sex.

Taco: Yeah, yeah, when's your girlfriend comin' over? I'll hide in the corner, she won't see me. I'll just watch you.

Andre: First of all, I'm not dating anyone right now, and secondly, no!

---

Andre: You know, you're the only one here that can actually help me out. You know I have two balls. Just get the word out.

Shiva: Why would I do that? I'm telling everyone that I did the reconstructive surgery. I have three new clients.

Andre: Well, I'm glad I could help. We're even now. Are we even?

Shiva: Oh, oh yeah. This...this makes us even.

---

Shiva: [to Pete] Stu didn't have sex in your mom's car. Kevin did.

Pete: What?!

Andre: [offering a high-five] Oh, yeah!

Pete: I'm sorry, how do you know this?

Shiva: Because it was with me.

Andre: [taking it back] Oh, no. What? What?

Pete: Why don't they put these things in the reunion books?

Shiva: Kevin lost his virginity to me in your mom's car.

Pete: I'm sorry, can I get some more details?

Kevin: No, no. Good.

Shiva: He was so excited that when he came, he kicked through the window and then he yelled my name. "SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKANDARKRAM!!!" It was funny actually.

Andre: So the first Shiva Blast was your vinegar strokes.

Kevin: All right, Eskimo brother.

---

Kevin: What's that thing on top?

Pete: That is Sacko del Toro, otherwise known as a bull scrotum.

Andre: Wait, so we're naming it after a bull?

Pete: No, no, no, no. We said we were going to name it after the worst people at the reunion, and I did: you guys. You're literally the worst people I've ever known.

Kevin: Thank you.

Ruxin: You're just saying that.

Pete: You're all sacks of shit. Here's to the Sacko.

The guys: [toasting] To The Sacko.

Kevin: I love it. I hope I never win it.

Taco: Smells like a new car.

Ramona Neapolitano [2.11]

Taco: In my spare time, I like writing obituaries.

Ruxin: Excuse me?

Taco: Obituaries for you guys.

Kevin: Your hobby is imagining what you're going to write when we die?

Taco: You guys don't do this?

Kevin and Andre: No.

---

John Hansen: [on Fantasy Sports Radio with Adam Kaplan] Back to the phone lines. We're going to K-Dog in Chicago. Yo, what's up, K-Dog?

Kevin: You remember me? I'm the guy you screwed over. You told me to start Wallace. Meanwhile, I've got Meachem sitting on the bench, and he scores two touchdowns.

Adam Kaplan: It's one player. Come on, dude.

Kevin: I lost by three points.

Hansen: We told you Meachem had upside potential.

Kevin: But you ranked Wallace higher.

Kaplan: Rankings slave.

Hansen: Rankings bitch.

Kevin: That's exactly what I am. I'm a slave to the rankings.

Hansen: Dude, you gotta be a man. Make your own decisions.

Kaplan: Absolutely.

Kevin: I haven't made a decision for myself since the day I got married. I have a car that has a little screen that tells me what's behind me. I don't even want to make the decision of turning my head to look what I running over. Tell me what to do! And Hansen, you even call yourself a guru. You've gurued nothing! Don't call yourself an expert and give me shitty advice.

Hansen: Hey, hey, hey.

Kevin: You suck at your job.

Hansen: Dude, here's a prediction for you, my friend. You are banned from the show for life.

Kevin: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because I'll call in as other people. I'm going to be Mike from Seattle who's so upset Marshawn Lynch is having such a crappy year.

Hansen: Correction, my friend. You're Kevin McArthur from Winnetka, Illinois.

Kaplan: And I'm looking at your phone number right here, dude.

Kevin: It's not blocked? [He gets disconnected] Can I take back what I just said?

---

Ellie: [to Kaplan and Hansen] My daddy said he'd rather listen to those mushmouthed Bean Town jackasses on Car Talk than the crap that you belch out of your pieholes.

Kegel the Elf [2.12]

Kevin: [on webcam with Jenny, the others watching on their respective computers] Season's greetings, everyone.

Jenny: From Kevin and Jenny.

Kevin: We wanted to take a minute to wish you and your families a happy and healthy holiday season.

Jenny: We have so much to be thankful for.

Kevin: We have a healthy, wonderful daughter.

Jenny: Amazing friends.

Ruxin: So delusional.

Jenny: And did we forget to mention that we are both in the playoffs this season?

Ruxin: Here we go.

Kevin: It seemed to have slipped my mind. Yes, we are so blessed to have not one, but two teams in the playoffs. Most families don't have any.

Jenny: Andre.

Andre: Never should've made that trade with Taco.

Jenny: And this week's matchup should be a cakewalk.

Kevin: Yes, you are going to obliterate Peter.

Jenny: And you are going to kill Rodney.

Ruxin: We'll see about that.

Jenny: So from the first family of fantasy football...

Kevin: ...to your family at home...

Kevin and Jenny: Suck it!

---

Jenny: Now I think it's time for you to take a tubbie.

Kevin: Bath time.

Ellie: That's bullcrap.

Kevin: What did you say, young lady?

Ellie: You heard me.

Jenny: [turning to toy elf] Well, I'm sorry, what's that, Mr. Elf on the Shelf? You're calling Santa right now?

Kevin: Uh-oh, Santa's being phoned.

Ellie: [walking away] All right. Stop busting my balls.

Kevin: Where did she learn to talk like that? I knew we were going to have a dick kid, I knew it.

---

Ruxin: [praying outside by Taco's egg-filled Nativity scene] Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh eggs and Jesus and Santa and Travolta's guy and, of course, Shiva, please let him miss this kick and let me win this game.

Taco: And please make him stop stinking so much.

Ruxin: Hey, quit bogarting my prayer, man.

[Inside the house]

Kevin: Okay, this is the greatest day of my life.

Pete: I hope the day Ellie was born was a close second.

Kevin and Jenny: Eh.

Pete: Oh, my God, we are one gimme field goal away from an all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl.

Jenny: Do not jinx him.

Pete: Jenny, there's no jinxing. You got a top-five kicker for a 37-yarder with no wind in the middle...

Kevin: Silence! Here we go. Clean snap...snap is good...go to the top...looks good...

Pete: Post!

Kevin: Post?

Andre: Okay, I know you're upset right, but next week you're going to be so relaxed. Trust...[Jenny puts her hand to his mouth]

Kevin: SHIT!!!!!!

Ruxin: [hearing from outside] I won! It's an Eggsmas miracle!

Taco: [as Ruxin delightedly kisses him and the others come out of the house] Oh, this miracle smells like poo.

Kevin: Shit!

Taco: Did you lose?

Kevin: You shut your MOUTH! Every year I set this league up, every year, and I never win! This was the year! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Bullshit! I babysit you morons! I babysit you! "Oh, help me out. Do this, move that guy around. I don't know how to set a lineup." Fuck you! Fuck you, Taco! Fuck you, Ruxin! [kicking over stands] Stupid Wise Men! Stupid eggs! Stupid fucking eggs!

Taco: My eggs!

Kevin: [still trashing egg Nativity scene] Stupid, stupid, stupid...

Ellie: Daddy, stop! Kegel's watching you. He's gonna report to Santa.

Kevin: Look me in the eye, Ellie. There is no Kegel. And there is no Santa Claus and there's no Christmas, there's no God, there's no Easter Bunny! There's nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, [breaking down] nothing!

Ruxin: I gotta say, I feel like I just won twice.

The Sacko Bowl [2.13]

Kevin: It's time for our offerings to the ShiDre, and I think we should start with the Shiva Bowl contestants, and I think ladies before dickheads.

Ruxin: What if they're both?

Jenny: What are you gonna do?

Kevin: Ladies before dickheads, go ahead.

Jenny: [offering a donut-shaped pillow] ShiDre, your hemorrhoid donut that you earned in Vegas when you made that hard drive up Andre's backfield. May you sit comfortably for all the rest of your years.

Ruxin: Next, as a ode to your terrible fashion sense, Dre and Andre, [offers a red porkpie hat] I offer you the hat that you gave me for Christmas.

Andre: Okay, you know what. Forgive me, but I think that hat's pretty pimpin'.

Ruxin: Need I say more?

---

Ruxin: Well, Jenny, may the best man win this week.

Jenny: Oh, Ruxin, you know you're only here because I drafted your team for you.

Ruxin: I don't remember it that way.

Jenny: Really?

Ruxin: Really. All I know is that I got a killer lineup and I'm gonna get an amazing performance out of either Donald Brown or Steve Breaston.

Jenny: Are you trying to get me to help you with your lineup right now? You are unbelievably horrible, Ruxin. I cannot wait to obliterate you. And you are going to lose, you are going to go home, and you are going to savage your pud.

Ruxin: Very classy.

Jenny: Thank you.

Ruxin: You know, I am so glad Sofia's not in this league because you are just a brute of a wife.

Jenny: I am a great wife.

Ruxin: Oh yeah, because every wife completely emasculates her husband. For shame, Jenny.

Kevin: Babe, are you ready to go?

Jenny: Get back in the car, Kevin.

Kevin: Yes, ma'am.

---

Jenny: [pulling back the shower curtain revealing Kevin masturbating to a smartphone in a plastic bag] I have drAIDS.

Kevin: Whoa!

Jenny: Oh, ugh! Kevin, you have betrayed my trust.

Kevin: Babe, it's just a little bit of porn. No one ever...

Jenny: I don't care that you are yanking it in a shower. Savage yourself all you want; do not touch my lineup.

Kevin: Babe, I was doing what I felt was right for the entire team, for the whole MacArthur team. I mean, this is the Shiva Bowl, babe.

Jenny: Are those our sandwich bags?

Kevin: Yeah. They work so good.

Jenny: [replacing the curtain] My whole life is cursed.

Kevin: Is it weird if I finish?

---

Ruxin: [singing to tune of Hava Nagila] Shivakamini Somakandarkram, Shiva - Suck it!

---

Andre: Let me just review the stats for a couple of days.

Ruxin: Okay, every African dictator ever, you lost the elections. Now give up power.

---

Ruxin: [holding the Shiva] Free at last, free at last. Shiva, I am free at last!

Pete: Uh, did you just compare yourself to Martin Luther King?

Ruxin: Did he win his league?

Pete: Wow, you're feeling really good, aren't you?

Ruxin: I feel great 'cause I'm a champion and I'm here with my beautiful lady, my Shiva. But Shiva's a little naked today. That's why I got her this.

[He holds up a revised plate]

Jenny: It's already got your name on it.

Ruxin: That's right it does. "Ruxin! Suck it!" Let the unrelenting reign of Ruxin begin. [Slaps the plate on the Shiva and hoists it high] SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKADARKRAM! I won the Shiva! The Dre is dead!

[Everyone looks in the sky]

Jenny: Oh, my God.

Kevin: Is that a solar eclipse?

Jenny: Guys, was there supposed to be a solar eclipse today?

Andre: Not for months.

Kevin: This league is doomed.

Pete: Ruxin has won. It is the end of days!

Ruxin: This is exactly how I picture it when I'm masturbating, down to the fact you're all watching! The only difference is Andre's wearing a stupid hat! [Andre pulls out his hat] That's the one. Put it on so I can finish!

Pete: Don't put it on!

Andre: [wearing the hat] It's not stupid. Will Smith has the same one.

Season 3

The Lockout [3.1]

Ruxin: I'm a lawyer getting the Fortune 500 out of trouble
But now I'm here to do the Shiva Bowl Shuffle

I'm the best and you're the worst

And if you need any proof, [holds up Shiva's senior picture] this was Kevin's first

Ruxin's number one, it's true, you can't stop him

Meet the rest of my team—Pete Top/Kevin Bottom

Maurice Jones-Drew: I'm MJD, Ruxin's first pick in the draft

He went with me, and we kicked all your ass

Brent Grimes: Brent Grimes here with the Falcons D

Keepin' Ruxin winning with my five INTs

Sidney Rice: I'm Sidney Rice, hip to the IR

Won Ruxin the Shiva with my late-season charge

Team: We're Ruxin's team, winning every scuffle

And now we're here to do the Shiva Bowl Shuffle

Ruxin's better than you, Pete, hate to burst your bubble

And that's why we're doing the Shiva Bowl Shuffle

Ruxin: Shivakamini Somakandarkram

Shivakamini Somakandarkram

Team: He likes fine wine and risotto with truffles

And now he's doing the Shiva Bowl Shuffle

He's a league champion with George Clooney stubble

And we're all doing the Shiva Bowl Shuffle!

---

Dirty Randy: What's my name? My name is Dirty Randy. What do I do? I do this. [Mimes running the camera...] And I do this [Mimes jerking off...], I do this [..."dotting the i's"...]. You know what I don't do? [... and cleaning up] That.

---

Rafi: I am day drunk, get ready to see my dick.

The Sukkah [3.2]

Ruxin: Ellie is having a great time with all these hammers and nails, so...

Taco: And she's killing it on the electric saw. Learned it in five minutes.

Kevin: Ellie, just go inside, we're gonna start dinner soon, OK? Wash your hands, please.

Ellie: No promises!

---

Ruxin: Look, I can't have the party at my house, 'cause people will Google Map it, they'll see the swastika, and they'll think I'm having some sort of suburban Kristallnacht.

Kevin: And whose fault is that?

Ruxin: I would say Hitler, and really, the Poles. They were the worst of them all.

---

Ruxin: Taco, this sukkah is supposed to be for Sukkot.

Taco: Yes, and after Sukkot comes Taccot.

Pete: What is Taccot?

Taco: Taccot is an ideal plane of existence where the 12 tribes of Israel come together with people who are high on mushrooms and groove to Aphex Twin.

Kevin: This is my home.

Taco: Yeah, I'll give you all-access passes at a discount rate.

Pete: Guys, can we take a seat, please? Sit. [The league sits down] All right, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think our league is lacking something.

Taco: A giant.

Pete: No, guys, trust. Every league gets to this point where we've cheated each other so many times over the years, we don't trust each other enough to make a simple trade. We've crossed the distrust horizon into the land of no trades.

Ruxin: Gee, I wonder who's responsible for that.

Jenny: You are the Patient Zero of distrust, Pete.

Pete: OK, I admit it. But it's time for us to clear the air and get a little honesty going, okay?

Andre: OK. What happened in my apartment during the draft?

Everyone else: Nothing!

Ruxin: Did you guys cheat picking the draft order?

Everyone else: No!

Pete: Okay, good. Now that we're all being honest, I would like to show you something. [Removes a drape and reveals a dry-erase board with everyone's rosters, to which they are all amazed] As you can all see, all of our teams suck. Some of the lineups aren't even legal. So in honor of Sukkot, I would like to propose to you what I call the eight-way trade.

Ruxin: Wait—an eight-way? But Andre's sister's not even here.

Taco: Andre's sister? Shotgun last.

Pete: I think I've come up with a plan that everyone will be happy with if we just...do this. [Proceeds to make several trades throughout] Okay, Andre, you're in need of a good defense. You have four tight ends. I have four defenses and no tight ends.

Andre: Huh.

Pete: Kevin, three quarterbacks.

Kevin: That could help out Taco, and the thing is, you got to start getting rid of some of these kickers.

Taco: I like kickers. They're the toughest.

Pete: Jenny, you might need more at wide receiver than just Michael Crabtree. Ruxin, you could let go of one or two of your wide receivers.

Ruxin: I'm not letting go of anyone good--no!

Pete: Package two wide receivers with the Baltimore defense and trade it for...MJD.

Ruxin: I like Maurice Jones-Drew.

Pete: I know you do.

Kevin: Hey, what about me?

Pete: I haven't forgotten about you, Kevin.

Jenny: It's good.

Andre: It's like a useless Good Will Hunting.

Kevin: It's still not fair.

Pete: Just wait. Hold on.

Taco: You just got a great kicker.

Pete: One more move, and it's done. Do we have a deal. [Everyone agrees] Sukkot pact 2011, all in?

Everyone else: All in.

---

Mrs. Klein: [on Jenny] So this is your wife?

Ruxin and Jenny: No.

Ruxin: My wife...she...came down with something, so...

Jenny: [under breath] Catholicism?

---

Pete: Why'd you screw me? Okay, what happened to the new honest league?

Andre: You know what? If we're gonna start over, I wanted to be you. I wanted to be the Patient Zero, for once! Let me be Patient Zero!

Pete: That is so wrong on so many levels, I just can't even respond.

The Au Pair [3.3]

Andre: You want to watch, like, MTV or something?

Ashley: Oh, that'd be cool.

Andre: 16 and Pregnant marathon.

Ashley: Oh, my gosh, I love 16 and Pregnant! My friend was on that last week.

---

Kevin: [whispering] I need you to teach me how to be a liar.

Ruxin: [whispering] You don't need to whisper. We're in a law firm. Lying is encouraged here. Look, I am not your guy for this. You need a low-level maintenance liar like Pete. "No, I've never been married before." "Yeah, I definitely own my own home." "No, this isn't a cold sore." I'm the guy who you come to when you're ready to perjure yourself to protect an Australian mining consortium.

Kevin: Ruxin, you are the best worst person I know.

Ruxin: Thank you. I am very flattered and insulted by that.

Ol' Smoke Crotch [3.4]

Ruxin: Baby Geoffrey, everything in a public restroom is on fire!

---

Ruxin: Baby Geoffrey, forever unclean!

---

Rafi: So lots of people didn’t go to college! You don’t have to constantly throw it in my face!

Bobbum Man [3.5]

Pete: He creepied up in bobbum van, filled with equipmonk for great grief for making out your underneath.

---

Pete: [as Bobbum Man, on Taco's tape recorder] Equipmonk sharp, equipmonk dirty, equipmonk make Kevin's bobbum hurty. Bobbum.

---

Andre: [on Taco's MyFace wall] How'd you get that picture of me in Godspell? That was on my vanity. That's my personal property.

Pete: Okay, hold on. Couple of questions real quick. First of all, why was that on your vanity? Secondly, why do you have a vanity at all? And thirdly, if you must have a vanity at, why do you have to call it a vanity?

---

Andre: I'm trying to get lineup nirvana by staring at this woman's sex bruises but I'm not getting a thing.

Yobogoya! [3.6]

Ruxin: Hey, can I check your computer real quick? I just want to mess with my lineup a little bit, make a few adjustments before the game starts.

Jenny: Tinker away, Tinkerbell, straight to Never-Never Win Land.

Ruxin: Will do, Captain Hooker.

---

Kevin: [as Ruxin, on webcam and dressed in judge's robe, bangs a gavel] What is this, Night Court?

Ruxin: Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Ruxin presiding.

Pete: It's the Chosen People's Court.

Ruxin: Now, citizens of the League, there is no greater threat to league integrity than an uncommitted owner. Taco's lack of interest is a black mark upon our league. He's still starting Kenny Britt, who's been injured for weeks. And while I have no respect for individual members of this league...

Pete: Ugh.

Ruxin: ...I have a tremendous amount of respect for the League itself.

Pete: This is bordering on sincerity.

Ruxin: And as your league champion, I, Rodney Ruxin, submit that if Taco does not start a lineup with active NFL players—not NHL, CFL, WWE, or Panthro from the ThunderCats—that he shall be kicked out of this league.

Jenny: What?

Ruxin: [bangs gavel] I have spoken!

Kevin: Taco is vital to our league.

Jenny: He's our heart.

Pete: Yeah, and he's good for easy wins. All right, we got to put a stop to this.

Jenny: Shadow government, all in.

Ruxin: [wrapped in flag and holding the Shiva] Shiva bless America...

Pete, Kevin, Jenny: [hands in and break] One, two, three...we were never here!

Ruxin: I know you guys are planning something, so don't. Because I am watching you.

[Jenny quickly closes the laptop]

Kevin: What the...

Carmenjello [3.7]

Ruxin: Just be careful of the paint you use.

Kevin: Why?

Ruxin: Because I am currently representing a cheap paint company whose cans allegedly explode.

Pete: Just out of curiosity, what is your defense?

Ruxin: Well, if you are purchasing something that is half the price of your competitors, then there is a reasonable expectation that that product will explode in your face.

Pete: And morally, you're good with this?

Ruxin: There was just one word in there that I am not familiar with.

---

Ellie: What are you guys doing in my bedroom?

Jenny: [covering as Kevin zips back up] Oh, hi, sweetie. Honestly, I was looking for zipper fairies...

Kevin: Yes.

Jenny: ...in Daddy's zipper.

Ellie: What are zipper fairies?

Kevin: Uh, fairies that hide in your zipper and get it stuck, and Mommy was just trying to get them all out.

Jenny: Yeah.

Ellie: Did you get all the zipper fairies out?

Kevin: No. No, she did not, sadly.

---

Andre: [on Ruxin's topless photo of Sofia] But the question remains, why do you keep it in your jacket pocket?

Ruxin: For personal use.

Pete: Oh, no. You do not masturbate to a photo of your own wife.

Andre: Out of everyone in your life, you picked the only person you can actually have sex with.

Ruxin: What? I'm not allowed to have porn in my house, and my roster sucks, so I need some material.

Andre: That's like if a serial killer wrote a romance novel, he would jerk off to his wife.

---

Ellie: [seeing a silhouette of Jenny unzipping Kevin's pants, caused by an explosion of cheap paint] That's so cool. I love it. Mom, you're checking Dad's zipper for zipper fairies, right?

Kevin: [off Jenny's look, mortified] She didn't find any. I think they're dead.

Thanksgiving [3.8]

Andre: It's so great that you have your dad with us. That's awesome.

Rupert Ruxin: Are you part of this group? I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced.

Andre: Andre.

Rupert: Andre?

Andre: Yeah, I was over at your house all the time.

Ruxin: Yeah, you used to call him "that boy."

Andre: You told me to stop wearing black because I looked like Nosferatu.

Rupert: I'm so sorry. No, I don't recall that.

Kevin: Hey, I'm Kevin. Remember me?

Rupert: Look, he still talks like he's seventeen. Sure, I remember you. What have you done with yourself? Let me guess, let me guess. Car salesman? Or, I know, failed inventor.

Kevin: I'm actually a district attorney.

Rupert: Really?

Kevin: Assistant district attorney.

Rupert: [to Ruxin] You won. You won after all.

Pete: Oh, wow. Like father, like son. So good to see.

Ruxins: Hmm.

Pete: Anyhow, I'm not sure if you ever knew this, but we used to steal all the liquor from your cabinets and replace the bottles with water.

Rupert: I was quite aware. That's why I peed in the bottles before you ever got there.

Andre: That's why that mescal never tasted the same.

---

Jenny: It's not ice cream, it's sorbet. You just gently take a little lick to cleanse your palate. Just gently. No, you're using your teeth. Biting is not good for the sorbet.

Kevin: Who cares about the sorbet?

Jenny: I care about the sorbet.

Heather Nowzick: Kevin, just let the sorbet know you're there with the heat of your breath. Awaken it just ever so slightly before you touch it. By accident, almost. By accident with your lips.

Taco: Don't be shy to get a little finger in there too.

Kevin: Oh, so eating sorbet is like...going to church.

Jenny: That would be amazing.

Taco: I don't really like sorbet, but I love watching women eat it.

Kevin: Oh. I got a seed.

Heather: That happens. You know, it's like your tongue is dead weight. It fell asleep, and you [demonstrating] have to drag it with the motion of your head.

Rupert: I love the way Heather eats that sorbet. I myself enjoy the sorbet, but I like what you're saying about letting your tongue do that. You're doing something with your...with the movement of your head, but I find that you can eat the sorbet while keeping an active tongue. Like this. [Shows Heather, who does the same] Yeah, get active. Doesn't have to be completely dead. But it really is whatever you feel like. [Heather sticks her thumb in her mouth and pulls it out slowly] Ah...I like what you're doing there. You do as you feel. Dip it in. [Heather does so] And...deep, and you can make it deep.

Kevin: I'm never gonna be able to eat sorbet like that.

Heather: Sticky.

Ruxin: I feel like I'm watching my own birth.

Rupert: [as Heather spanks the sorbet] Yeah, you show me how you like me to eat sorbet.

Andre: Can we get a palate cleanser for our palate cleanser?

---

[Walking in on Rupert having sex with Heather]

Andre: [to Ruxin] I just saw your dad's vinegar strokes.

Taco: I saw into his soul. Not good.

The Out of Towner [3.9]

Andre: [writing Ruxin's medical history] So, date of birth?

Ruxin: You've been at my birthday every year for the last twenty years.

Andre: Okay. Patient is being hostile. Are you a smoker?

Ruxin: No.

Andre: How many drinks would you say you have in a week?

Ruxin: I have, like, one drink a week.

Andre: Really? One drink a week?

Ruxin: One drink a week.

Andre: All right, do you engage in sexual activity?

Ruxin: Yep.

Andre: With multiple partners?

Ruxin: Only when your mom and sister are in town.

Andre: I'm not gonna write that down. Have you ever engaged in anal intercourse?

Ruxin: I refer you to my last answer.

Andre: Let me just give you a little brief recap here. You are a nonsmoker, light drinker who engages in anal intercourse with my mother and sister.

Ruxin: Look, Andre, just, please, I just need a couple of painkillers to get me through the week.

Andre: What do you think we're in, Tijuana here, you can just come in, tell me what you want, and I'll write you a prescription?

Ruxin: If we were in Tijuana, Andre, there would be a goddamn monkey in a sombrero blowing a donkey.

Andre: Not in a doctor's office.

---

Andre: [on Ruxin] He's barefoot in the bathroom at Senor Crab's.

Taco: I know, I just peed all over the floor in there.

Andre: Why would you pee on the floor?

Taco: Everybody does.

The Light of Genesis [3.10]

Ruxin: Sundays are my Sabbath! And Mondays and Thursdays and Saturdays in December!

St. Pete [3.12]

Jenny: What are you doing?

Taco: I'm helping Ellie with her assignment. It's to draw her hero. And for some weird reason, she chose her father. And here's the picture.

Kevin: What is this? Why am I naked?!

Jenny: Ellie did not draw that.

Taco: No, no, no, I helped her with this one.

Jenny: Taco, she can't bring this into a second grade classroom!

Taco: I'm sorry the crotchal region is not flattering, but it's accurate.

---

Jenny: Taco, the fact that you drew an anatomically correct version of my husband is just wrong!

Kevin: Well, it's not 100% anatomically correct.

Taco: I gave you an extra inch because it's about hero worship, right?

---

Ruxin: [to Ellie] Your daddy's your hero? You should aim higher, like a low-end bookie or a spare tire.

---

Kevin: An all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl, and I'm not even in it. You know, I did not set up this league to have a trophy end up with my wife's name on it or as a bong in my attic. I'm destined to never win it.

Pete: Maybe you're like Moses, you know—you're supposed to lead the people to the desert, but you're not allowed to go into the promised land yourself.

Andre: Look at this! Look at this!

Pete: Holy shit. Interception. Two points.

Kevin: Go for the sideline. Keep going, Ed Reed.

Pete: He's got one guy to beat.

[Jenny, on a stepladder, turns to watch and starts to fall. Kevin rushes over to catch her]

Jenny: Oh, my God. You saved me.

Pete: Kevin, six more points! You won!

Kevin: I didn't even see the play.

Jenny: You took your eyes off the game and you saved me.

Kevin: And I beat you. Suck it!

Jenny: Oh, I love you, dick cream.

[They kiss and Kevin drops her]

Kevin: I'm going to the Shiva Bowl! SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKANDAKRAM!!!

Ruxin: [walking in with Ellie's collage] What is this?

Jenny: Ellie's homework.

Kevin: This is why I wanted a new kid--this one's no good.

Ruxin: You cheated me in the draft order, and you thought you could outsmart Ruxin!

Kevin: Ruxin, just look at what I drew up--you'll see that there was no difference in either way!

Ruxin: I'm not looking at anything 'cause all I see are lies and collusion! This whole season is null and void! Vull and noid!

---

[Ruxin on the ground after having a stroke]

Taco: I think we're supposed to pee on him!

Jenny: That's jellyfish, you idiot!

Taco: It might not help, but it can't hurt.

The Funeral [3.13]

Taco: Having a near-death experience has really changed the way I see things.

Jenny: Ruxin had the stroke, not you, Taco.

Taco: I was right next to him. I was near death.

---

Ruxin: [on video will] Hello, I'm Rodney Ruxin. Everyone calls me Ruxin. And this is my last will and testament. First of all, congratulations for knowing me. You really knocked it out of the park, friend-wise. But now I have moved on—left this world for a better place.

Jenny: Is it hot there?

Kevin: Shh.

Ruxin: My prize golf clubs I leave to Pete. No, Kevin... Wha... Andre...

Andre: Me?

Ruxin: No... Pete... No, Kev... You know what, no, throw 'em away.

Andre: What?

Ruxin: Nope, sell them on Craigslist. No, you know what, throw them away.

Pete: It's classic. He even tinkers with his will.

Ruxin: Craigslist. Craigslist. A few things to clear up. Pete, your Paul's Boutique vinyl—I took it.

Pete: What?!

Ruxin: I listened to it, I scratched it, I threw it away and blamed it on the lacrosse team.

Pete: Son of a bitch. [noticing Sofia] Sorry.

Ruxin: To Jenny--honestly, I don't get it. I don't see what Kevin sees in you. I don't get you guys; never did.

Taco: 100% agree.

Sofia: Yeah.

Ruxin: Now, if I die or am incapacitated during the regular season, I bequeath my team to... Andre.

Jenny: What?

Andre: He picked me. Out of all of you, he picked me. This is great. I mean...

Ruxin: Andre, the shit just got really real.

Andre: Okay.

Ruxin: And you better not fuck this up.

Pete: No pressure, buddy.

Ruxin: This has been my last will and testament. I mean, whatever, I'm dead now. So I just want to wish you one last hearty and heartfelt... Suck it!

---

Andre: You know nothing about fantasy football.

Rafi: Sure, I do. I just don't understand why you won't let me draft the players I want to play. It's fantasy football, so the Hulk should be able to be on the team.

---

Rafi: Do you still have those butt plugs with Bert and Ernie's face on them?

Kevin: Those are my daughter's tubby toys.

Rafi: She should not play with those. Those should be burned.

---

Ruxin: None of this counts. This whole season arrived in a clown car of lies, and it never happened! Ruxin still reigns as champion, and Andre still has the Sacko!

---

Kevin: I have got to win the Shiva, because if I don't win the Shiva, then I don't win the bet!

Jenny: Hey, babe. You won the bet.

Kevin: Huh?

Jenny: I'm pregnant.

Kevin: Wait, just because I won?

Jenny: No, I found out a couple days ago.

Kevin: We're gonna have another baby?

Jenny: Yeah.

Rafi: Are you sure it's not my baby? I did jerk off in your underwear drawer.

Season 4

Training Camp [4.1]

Ruxin: She was flickin' that bean like Mean Joe Greene

---

Taco: All right, I love hospital parties. Where is the bar?

Andre: There's no bar. It's a hospital.

Taco: It's America. There's always a bar.

The Hoodie [4.2]

Pete: I just look at all the players that are available, give them +1's or -1's for all their attributes, and it actually kind of works on women too.

Ruxin: How so?

Pete: Look, we all know, after the draft, there's not too much talent left on the free-agency market, right? The same thing is true for women after the age of 28 'cause all the good ones are basically taken.

Kevin: They're drafted to other people's teams.

Pete: And those who are left, myself included, have a ton of baggage. Maybe it's a bad hamstring, maybe she's got daddy issues, you know. This allows me to ferret it all out and make the right pick.

Andre: Wait a second, so you live your dating life like you're just choosing someone off the waiver wire?

Pete: Pretty much, yeah. I mean, look, here's an example. These three nice ladies over here. The one in the middle—she's beautiful. That gives her a +2. But look closely under her fingernails—there's some chalk. Means she's probably a teacher, has to get up early. That's a big -1 for me. Also, very expensive necklace—not affordable on a teacher's salary. That means she's probably taken. That gives her a -2, which means I've got to find another player to pick up.

---

Taco: Poor little Chalupa is gonna lose his crispy outer shell.

Kevin: Can you not speak of my son's member as if it was fourthmeal?

---

Shiva: This league is a pain in my ass. I didn't ask to be a part of it, and I want out.

Jenny: But you're the Shiva.

Shiva: That's right, I am the Shiva. Totally. And the Shiva is angry. This league does not have the Shiva's blessing. This year will go badly for everyone. The Shiva has spoken.

---

Sutton: I had a really great time tonight, but I just...I don't think that this is gonna work.

Pete: You know that already?

Sutton: Yeah, I'm getting older, and I feel like a lot of guys, they have baggage, so I just, I've had to...

Pete: [getting it] Implement a system.

Sutton: Exactly, yes.

Pete: I understand. All right, I hate to ask, but...how did I do?

Sutton: Okay, full head of hair, +1. Confident, +1. I like that you stalked me in the food court for a while, +1.

Pete: This is good. You're thorough.

Sutton: But there's the immaturity, -1. Fear of commitment, -1.

Pete: That's right.

Sutton: You had three drinks, -1.

Pete: You had four.

Sutton: You were in the bathroom so long, -1.

Pete: Wait, wait, wait, there was a line there; we discussed this. I stand by that.

Sutton: For the men's room? Come on. Bragging about how much sleep you get, -1.

Pete: It's a nice quality.

Sutton: And you didn't have to tell me what celebrity every single person in the restaurant looked like.

Pete: I'm still convinced that guy might have been Tony Danza.

Sutton: -1, and I'm not even gonna get into the whole thing about how you're still friends with my ex-boyfriend, and I'm sure you've talked about what I'm like in bed.

Pete: Sutton, I would never do...okay, -1.

Sutton: So that's...-7.

Pete: That's rough.

Sutton: Sorry, Pete. Good night.

Pete: Well played, Sutton. You're out of my league.

Taco: Oh, hey Pete.

Pete: Taco, what the hell are you doing here?

Taco: I'm gonna hang out with Sutton. No, I know the deal. No dating, just sex.

Pete: Yeah, but...

Sutton: Independently wealthy, +8.

---

Kevin: I'm not comfortable with this at all. It doesn't look very sterile. I saw some kid picking his nose outside.

Jenny: Have you met your daughter?

Ellie: What's that supposed to mean?

The Freeze Out [4.3]

Rafi: [after getting "killed" in paintball] GATTACA!

---

Wesley-san: Arigato...racist.

The Breastalyzer [4.4]

Rafi: I don't respect you, okay?

Gail: Perfect. I don't respect myself.

Rafi: What?! Okay, fine. Truth be told, there's another girl here.

Gail: Awesome.

Rafi: You're into that?!

Gail: How do you think I got through nursing school?

Rafi: You know what? You gotta go.

Gail: I'm not going.

Rafi: Just pack it up!

Gail: I am here...

Rafi: I don't find you attractive!

Gail: I don't care!

Rafi: I think your face is gross, I think your boobs are different sizes, and I think [points to crotch] this is way too big!

Gail: All right, you are getting me so hot right now.

Rafi: What?!

Gail: Yes! Treat me like shit.

---

Rafi: This is Sofia, the light of my life.

Gail: Yeah, right.

Rafi: She's the most beautiful woman in the world.

Sofia: Aw...

Rafi: I love you so much.

Sofia: I love you so much.

Gail: Bullshit.

Rafi: Bullshit? Fine.

[He kisses Sofia]

Ruxin: [sick] Sofia Ruxin forever unclean.

Rafi: I love you.

Sofia: I love you.

Gail: All right, you know what? I don't have to take this. You really messed this up. You could've had sex with the most pathetic, insecure, desperate woman you've ever met. I would have let you put me in a cage!

Rafi: I have a cage!

Gail: Have fun in your cage alone!

Rafi: [as she leaves] Later, Gail.

Sofia: What was that all about?

Rafi: Oh, I was just messing around. But by the way, great kiss.

Sofia: Really?

Rafi: [to Ruxin] I hope you're getting a lot of this, man because this is some terrific kissing right here my sister does.

Sofia: I'm a good kisser.

Ruxin: Ugh! No!

Rafi: I mean, you're such a good kisser, you got my dick hard, and I'm your brother.

Sofia: Oh, come on, I didn't make you hard.

Rafi: You can check. You can check.

Judge MacArthur [4.5]

[All taking the Wonderlic Test]

Taco: I'm gonna go smoke a bowl. I'll be right back.

Pete: Holy shit, is this for real?

Ruxin: These seem hard, but they're...not.

Andre: There's a lot of math.

Kevin: How can an electronics store have 182 customers in one day?

Andre: I don't understand why you need to know fractions for the NFL.

Taco: [taking shots with two women] To the Wonderlic! You guys ever been Wonderlic'd?

Kevin: Suzannah's giving away entirely too much of her tips.

Pete: You're still on Suzannah?

Kevin: Yeah.

Andre: [breaking his pencil tip] Can I have another pencil?

Kevin: The Wilson family has an eating disorder.

Andre: Joan's coat cost...

Ruxin: Just shut up.

Taco: [sitting back down] Who wants some shots?

---

Ruxin: [leaving] I'm outta here.

Pete: Car's in the back.

Ruxin: [going the other way] Oh, shit on a bum!

Pete: Just kidding. It's in the front.

Ruxin: Oh! Bum shits on me!

---

Kevin: And the thing with this Wonderlic test was not that the questions were so hard, but they were terribly worded. One of them was, like, "Randolph's got eight pairs of pants, four shirts, and six ties—how many days can he wear an outfit without repeating one?"

Jenny: 192 days. 8 x 6 x 4.

Kevin: Maybe, but you know, probably not. There were harder ones than that. They even went so far as to make up words. How many pints in a peck? That's not even real. What's a peck?

Ellie: A peck is two gallons.

Kevin: No, it's not, sweetheart. You're wrong.

Jenny: She's right.

The Vapora Sport [4.7]

Kevin: I'm not even really convinced this whole piano thing is a good idea. I just want to start her on an activity that ensures she'll never have sex.

Jenny: Me too.

Kevin: Okay, I still like my idea. I really think we should consider ballet. She can dance around with gay guys, and she won't have sex 'til she's, like, 30.

Jenny: Are you kidding me? Everyone wants to have sex with ballerinas. Did you see Black Swan? Ballerinas wanna have sex with ballerinas. I think musical instruments are the way to go, and we should just be thankful it's not a woodwind.

Kevin: What do you mean?

Jenny: Really? Woodwind?

[She mimes playing a clarinet, but it looks like...]

Kevin: Oh! God, Jenny!

---

Kevin: Michael Moore came in here and J'd off in our bathroom.

Jenny: What?!

Kevin: Cracked his meat all over the place. It's disgusting!

Jenny: He just jerked off in our bathroom?

Kevin: Yes! He saw you, and then asked to be excused to go to the bathroom and...

Jenny: What?! That is disgusting! He went and jerked off in our bathroom [gets a little flattered] after he saw me walk by?

---

Kevin: First this guy comes in and treats or house like an adult theater, then he drops off a racist piano. Obviously the piano company just unloaded a product they didn't want anymore.

Taco: He unloaded a lot of stuff no one wants.

---

[All finding Ellie singing "Pick a Bale of Cotton" while wearing Jenny's robe]

Jenny: You know what, sweetheart? Why don't we stop playing a musical instrument and start watching television?

Andre: Yeah, I hear The Grand Wizards of Waverly Place is on.

Jenny: You know what? Let's just get rid of this thing before we traumatize our daughter more than we already have.

Kevin: You know, if we just put her in ballet, all I would have to return is a pair of Capezios and an eating disorder.

Ruxin: Can I propose a best-of-both-worlds scenario?

Kevin: Please.

Ruxin: Maybe you should get some chocolate pudding, wipe it all over her face, and then she can perform Blackface Swan.

---

Ruxin: This is Taco, this is Michelle.

Michelle: Friend, client?

Taco: Both.

Ruxin: Neither.

Our Dinner with Andre [4.10]

Taco: Oh, hey, Ellie. Nice haircut.

Charlie: I'm Charlie.

Taco: Don't talk back to me—I'm an adult. [Sees the microscope] Oh, cool! Let me know when you're done with this. This'll make an awesome guest bong.

Charlie: Can I ask you about sex?

Taco: Sure, buddy. How old are you?

Charlie: Eight.

Taco: Do you own a waterbed?

Charlie: No.

Taco: How many women have you had sex with?

Charlie: None.

Taco: What? Wow, you're way behind. I'll introduce you to my friend Andre's sister.

12.12.12 [4.11]

Pete: Tell me the story again. You were both running for the computer. You fell, she picked up the player. I mean, this sounds a little...

Ruxin: I would say that there has been foul play here.

Jenny: Are you insinuating I put a bounty on my own husband's head?

Ruxin: In the video post, you said that you wanted to take him out.

Jenny: It was a joke. You're on the message boards all the time saying that you're gonna put your D up Kevin's B. Do you?

Ruxin: No, because he is Pete's property.

---

Jenny: You look like the oldest boy band ever, and Ruxin, you look like their creepy gay manager.

---

Deion Sanders: [laughing] This is good. You can't be friends, right? Because no one told the other person how they really look. Are you guys a boy band?

Andre: When we all hang out, people call us the Dre Tones.

Pete: No, not the Dre Tones.

Deion: Yeah, I got one better. Old Kids on the Block.

Pete: [shamed] That's a good one.

Deion: What about the Old Street Boys? I got one more, one more. Bell Biv DeOld!

Kevin: Yeah, well, these clothes are poison.

A Krampus Carol [4.12]

Taco: "Get in my sack you little brats"!

The Curse of Shiva [4.13]

Rafi: Thanks for the car, assholes. Eat my dick! [Peels off in the Shivamobile with the Shiva in the back] I'm gonna blast this trophy in the butt!

Season 5

The Von Nowzick Wedding [5.2]

Ruxin: Wait a minute, is this my team? I've got four kickers and no quarterback. It looks worse than Aaron Hernandez's alibi.

Taco: What happened to Aaron Hernandez? Is he okay?

---

Andre: I refuse to poison our union.

Taco: You mean more than you already have, with your widow-making death jizz?

---

Kevin: I gotta yobogoya!

Jenny: No!

Pete: Yes!

Kevin: Where's the nearest bathroom?!

Pete: I think they're pretty far.

Kevin: No options!

Pete: What are you gonna do?

Kevin: [runs to the ocean] No options! Can't hold in!

Pete: Go, Kevin, go!

Taco: [with camera] I'm getting it!

Kevin: You're filming this?!

The others: OH!

Pete: Sea biscuit!

Ted: Dibs on "sea biscuit" as my new team name!

Kevin: I'm not Seabiscuit!

Jenny: I gotta have vacation sex with that!

Ruxin: Oh, God, Pacific Ocean forever unclean!

---

Trixie: I am so sick of your bullshit! I don't even like any of you people, you have horrible style. This is MY WEDDING! Screw your league! Screw it!

---

Kevin: So wait, you masturbated and she went blind. [audience laughs]

Andre: Yeah. [audience laughs]

Pete: Wonder if she grew hair on her hands too. [audience laughs]

Chalupa vs. The Cutlet [5.3]

Jenny: I'm so sorry he sacked your son.

Kristin Cavallari: That wasn't a sack.

Kevin: That was a sack and a strip.

Kristin: No one sacks a Cutler.

Kevin: Have you seen your offensive line? I think everybody sacks a Cutler.

The Bye Week [5.5]

Ruxin: What we should be worrying about is people changing team names mid-season.

Kevin: Well, I had to. Ellie was asking too many questions about "The Pleasures of Andre's Sister."

Pete: Well, we have all the answers for her.

Kevin: Yeah, that's what I'm trying to avoid. So we just changed it to something a little more G-rated.

Ruxin: "Too Hot to Handle"?

Andre: Yeah, I like it.

Kevin: This is the stuff you're gonna have to worry about once Geoffrey starts asking questions about your team name.

Ruxin: Oh, "Pete Top, Kevin Bottom"? No, I didn't have to explain it to him. He intuitively understood that you were the submissive.

---

Taco: Hey, Shitsipper, you're six orders behind. What's going on?

Ruxin: I'm cooking as fast as I can. You got a tiny hibachi here.

Taco: You're not supposed to cook all the way through the meat.

Ruxin: Yeah, you are.

Taco: You leave it raw on the inside, you're wasting heat.

Ruxin: By the way, you don't have any soap left. I can't wash my hands with anything.

Taco: Oh, Princess wants some soap. Ruxin, I don't think you realize this, but the stuff I steal costs money. Why aren't you wearing the hairnet I gave you?

Ruxin: 'Cause the hairnet you gave me is just a lacy thong, and from how stiff it is, I believe it's been used.

Taco: Of course it's used, that helps it catch the hair.

---

Kevin: How are you doing?

Jenny: I, honestly, am in a lot of pain.

Kevin: Bam! You're welcome. I call that move the kidney shifter.

Jenny: No, things are just not good down south. It's...like Mississippi Burning.

Kevin: I never saw that movie.

Jenny: Well, it's not a comedy. Is there anything I need to know about? Has your...[indicating his package] been cleared to play?

Kevin: No, I don't have anything.

Jenny: Well, I don't have anything either, but something set fire to these crosses.

Kevin: I don't know what to tell you, sweetheart.

Jenny: How about telling the truth.

Kevin: Okay, fine, you want the truth? Okay, I have been using your toothbrush for the last three weeks 'cause I can't find mine, and I left CB at a grocery store once.

Jenny: Me too.

Kevin: But I am as clean as a mountain stream.

Jenny: I am as pure as the driven snow.

Kevin: I am spotless.

Jenny: Impeccable.

Kevin: Unsoiled!

Jenny: Unsullied!

Kevin: Unstained, and I'll piss in every glass that we own to prove it!

Jenny: This isn't a lab, Kevin; that's just ruining our glassware. Will you just get your equipmunk checked?

Kevin: Don't start equipmunk stuff.

Jenny: [as Kevin leaves] Equipmunk wrong! Equipmunk dirty! [to herself] Equipmunk make my downstairs hurty.

Heavy Petting [5.6]

Jenny: Andre, did I just walk into my house and hear you yell at my kid?!

Andre: Yeah, 'cause she's being a jackass.

Jenny: Well, she's our jackass! We made her that way!

Flowers for Taco [5.8]

Taco: You might wanna stretch your jaw, Pete, cause you're gonna eat a lot of shit this week.

The Credit Card Alert [5.11]

Kevin: When do we get to meet this secretive lady you're keeping from us?

Pete: Eh, whatever.

Ruxin: Have you crossed over the perv Rubicon into...underage ladies?

Pete: No, it's nothing like that. I just got involved with a... married woman.

Jenny: [appalled] Peter!

Kevin: [smiling] Man, that's... [off Jenny's look, changing tone] that's wrong. You shouldn't do that. That hurts people

Jenny: Try that again like you're not in a hostage video.

---

Jenny: How is married life for you, Peter?

Pete: It's incredibly frustrating right now. I can't meet her here, I can't meet her there.

Andre: Sounds like you need a super-secret plan—you know, follow her into a dress shop, wait until she goes into the dressing room, then you follow behind her and you slam the door, you look at her...

Pete: Okay, hold on a second. Andre, Andre, are you reading Danielle Steel again?

Andre: Well, I haven't stopped. You know, I like to complete an author.

Pete: She's got, like, 178 books!

Andre: What's wrong about reading a book that can make you moist? [The others groan in disgust] What, I can't say "moist"?

Kevin: No, stop it!

Andre: "Moist" is the classy "wet."

Pete: Stop! You know what? Let me explain to you the modern-day affair. It's about, she tells me she's going to the gym, I have to drive 50 minutes across town, through traffic, to get there. It's extremely complicated.

Jenny: Doesn't seem that complicated for her. I don't think you are her first, Pete—she didn't break the seal of adultery on you. You're not that special.

Pete: Um, excuse me, you don't know her. Georgia is a very nice person, she happens to be unhappy in her marriage, but she's promised me that I am the only person she's ever slept with outside of her marriage. [The others laugh hard] Oh, and why is this so funny?

Jenny: Okay, you know what, that is the female version of, "officer, I swear to God she looked 18."

Pete: [leaves in a huff] Enough, all right? I'm not just gonna sit here and listen to this just 'cause you guys are jealous that I'm having a great time.

Jenny: Oh, I'm sure she's telling you the truth.

Kevin: She's not lying to you. She's never lied to anyone except her husband, children, family, in-laws, everyone else she feels is sacred in her life.

---

Ruxin: I don't agree with what you've done to the sanctity of marriage.

Pete: Because it's not right?

Ruxin: No, because it's not fair. It's bad enough that you flaunt your not being married in our face, but now you're peeing all over an actual marriage. So I decided to take a thick, hot, dehydrated, yellow, ropey pee all over your trade.

Baby Geoffrey Jesus [5.12]

Ruxin: If my kid is gonna hate Jews, it's 'cause he's self-loathing, not 'cause he's anti-Semitic.

The 8 Defensive Points of Hanukkah [5.13]

Pete: Am I seriously gonna lose to Taco? Come on! Vernon Davis is in a cast, so I bench him. Now he scores two touchdowns? What the hell's going on?

Andre: So weird. You should check his Twitter, maybe.

Pete: He's not Tweeting, he's playing a game, Andr... [checking feed on phone] Wait a minute, he is Tweeting. [reading Tweet featuring pic of Vernon with Andre] "Suck it, Pete #youvejustbeendoubleentendred"?

---

Ruxin: You guys talking about the Should've-Would've-Could've Bowl?

Pete: Enough. Yeah, we're in the Sacko Bowl, we get it.

Ruxin: Uh-uh-uh, I believe it's not called the Sacko anymore—it's called the Ruxin.

Kevin: Certain people are referring to it as the Ruxin.

Ruxin: Well, one of you two losers will be living with the Ruxin for the next year.

Pete: You know what? That trophy looks more like Joe Paterno than it actually looks like you.

Ruxin: And just like the ghost of Joe Paterno, it will loom like a shame cloud over you. You saw, but you didn't act. You knew what was happening, and you let it happen, and your legacy has been tainted.

---

Rafi: This girl's kosher! That means I got to put my meat in one hole, and my milk in the other!

Season 6

Sitting Shiva [6.1]

Andre: We are no longer sitting shiva. We are now sitting Shiva.

---

Jordan Cameron: Did they just steal the coffin?

Cameron Jordan: Should we go get it?

J. J. Watt: No. I'm giving them a 50-yard head start.

Season 7

Cast

• Mark Duplass - Pete Eckhart
• Stephen Rannazzisi - Kevin McArthur
• Katie Aselton - Jenny McArthur
• Jon Lajoie - Taco McArthur
• Paul Scheer - Andre Nowzic
• Nick Kroll - Rodney Ruxin

External links

• The League quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Official site