The L Word

The L Word (2004–2009) was an American and Canadian co-production television drama series on Showtime portraying the lives of a group of lesbian, bisexual and transgender people and their friends, family and lovers in the trendy Los Angeles-area city of West Hollywood, California.

Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

Bette: [holding a specimen cup of sperm] God, it's repugnant, I can't believe I used to swallow that stuff.

Dr. Wilson: All right, I'm going to take a look at this and while I'm gone, well, you remember how I told you that there's a fair amount of evidence now? It's more likely to take if you're aroused.

[Bette looks a tiny bit put off at the suggestion. The doctor turns the light off and winks at Bette then leaves the room. Bette turns toward Tina]

Bette: [laughs] She's not serious! Am I supposed to fuck you right here?

Tina: I think it would help.

Dana: When are you going to make up your mind between dick and pussy? And please spare us the gory bisexual details.

Alice: Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman.

Dana: [to Tina, gesturing] Big tits.

Shane: It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male.

Dana: What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man.

Shane: Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.

Alice: Oh, my God, it's Yoda.

Dana: Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way.

Bette: Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.

[Shane leaves with a woman Dana wanted to ask out]

Dana: I don't get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have?

Tina: It has to do with her attitude.

Dana: I've got attitude!

Marina: It's because she's so withholding.

Tina: No, it's because she's so confident.

Dana: No, it's because she's so STUPID and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.

Alice: [firmly] Dana, she's your friend.

Tina: It's confidence okay? I'm telling you... it's because of her nipples.

Dana: What do you mean it's because of her nipples?

Tina: She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.

Alice: Oh my God. You're so right. She has nipple confidence!

Tina: Yeah, they're small and they're perfectly formed.

Alice: I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A's best nipples.

Let's Do It [1.02]

Alice: [seeing Tim] Do you guys think he knows?

Bette: Knows what?

Alice: [about Jenny] That his girlfriend is making the team with Marina.

Alice: I don't know, you guys, you're really cutting edge, now. Lesbian moms. Biracial child.

Bette: We are pretty in, Alice.

Alice: Well, you're going to have no trouble getting that kid into the Center for Early Education. It's gonna be, like, diversity poster child.

Bette: [trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.

Dana: Well, she sends me food.

Bette: Hmm.

Dana: She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.

Tina: These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?

Dana: No, she just sends them.

Bette: But she hasn't spoken to you.

Dana: No.

Shane: [about Lara] Ask her out.

Bette: No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.

Dana: Exactly.

Alice: Please don't encourage her.

Bette: It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.

Alice: You mean?

Bette: I mean.

Dana: What?

Bette: We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.

Alice: [Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay] All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck.

Bette: Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she [gestures with hand] moves that chopping knife.

Shane: Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip.

Alice: Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention.

Tina: Yeah, but you guys, she's got 9 in the lez column and she only has 7 in the straight.

Alice: Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus 5 percentage points.

Bette: You know what we have to do.

[They all look at Shane who looks back warily]

Dana: [after seeing an exchange between Jenny and Marina] I thought Jenny was straight.

Alice: Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.

Shane: True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away.

Dana: How can you tell?

Alice: You read the signals.

Dana: That's my problem.

Shane: Dana, it's not a problem. Alright?

[Dana rolls her eyes]

Shane: Sexuality is fluid. Whether you're gay, or you're straight or you're bisexual -- you just go with the flow.

Dana: No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.

Alice: You don't have gaydar.

Dana: No.

Alice: You're so right, you don't have it!

Shane: Everyone's got it. You just have to tune it in.

Longing [1.03]

Dana: Hey...

Lara: [looks up] Hey! [Lara cuts her thumb] Ow!

Dana: Oh, my god! Oh - oh, my god, I'm sorry, I --

Lara: It's okay.

Dana: [panicked] Ah, Jesus, you're disfigured!

Lara: [smiling, calm] I'm not disfigured.

Dana: But I could've killed you! When you were (makes chopping motions)... you know...

Lara: It happens all the time.

Dana: Well, should we call a doctor?

Lara: [giggles] Dana! [she holds up her hand, counting off fingers] Second-degree burn from the Béchamel sauce. Run-away shish-kabob. An attack from a particularly hostile live lobster, and, um, electric can-opener.

Dana: Is there anything I can do?

Lara: You could kiss it and make it better.

Dana: My friends said that they thought that you would think I was a geek if, you know, if I wore a dress.

Lara: So, I am a geek.

Dana: No, I'm a geek. For letting my friends tell me what to wear.

Peggy: I was a lesbian once. In 1974.

Bette: Just 1974?

Peggy: Just 1974. That was all I needed.

Bette: Well, you know, that's what we refer to as a "has-bian".

Tina: [about Gabby] What are you gonna do?

Alice: Well, I was gonna ask her--

Bette: No asking.

Tina: What are you gonna tell her? You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way."

Bette: "It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love."

Tina: "And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you."

Bette: "So step off, bitch!"

Alice [to Gabby]: Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship. And I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way. It's clear to me now that you are... an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love. And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you... So... Step off, bitch.

Jenny: [to Marina] I don't know what to do. [sighs] Every time I look at you, I feel so completely dismantled.

Lies, Lies, Lies [1.04]

Alice: We wouldn't have been late if you hadn't spent 15 minutes in the bathroom.

Lenore: Do I look okay? Huh?

Alice: [nodding] You look good, you look great. You do. You really do.

Lenore: You could take a little more time with your face, you know. You might have a girlfriend by now.

Alice: [Tina is urinating on a strip for her pregnancy test] How do you not pee on your hand?

Tina: You just aim below the clit.

Alice: Oh, really?

Tina: Yeah, where did you think pee came out of?

Alice: I dunno, there's a lot going on down there.

Kit: [about Tina's pregnancy] You're gonna have to be so good. You can't have any more fun, uh-uh!

Tina: I know. No red meat, no additives, no Margaritas, wine, beer... and no Xanax! No matter how stressed-out I get.

Alice: No more smack, no more crack, and no more blow.

Tina: Are you sure you want to go back to men?

Alice: I'm positive. I've had enough drama and mind-fucks, and women are fucking crazy.

Tina: Yeah, men are boring.

Alice: Yeah, well bring it on, because I could use a little nice, uncomplicated, boring, boy-girl sex masquerading as love. It's fine with me.

Alice: Something happen with you and Lara?

Dana: No. I'm just never having sex again, that's all.

Shane: Easy, Dana, come on.

Dana: I've never been more humiliated or embarrassed or ashamed of anything in my entire life.

Alice: What, did she tie you up and leave you?

Lawfully [1.05]

Police Officer: [to Tim] That's why this country's homosexuals are so dangerous. When you got two people, they got the same equipment, and they both know how to treat it. How could anybody of the opposite sex compete with that?

Jenny: [to Marina] What happened between us was a terrible mistake. It is never gonna happen again. I will never see you again. Do you understand that?

Tim: Did you hear what she said?

Marina: Of course I did.

Tim: Tell me when it started.

Marina: It didn't. You saw all there was to see, the beginning and the end.

Marina: [to Jenny] Your strength is you write from here [puts her hand on Jenny's breast]. The demons that tempt you, that you struggle with... Am I that demon?

Dana: [apologizing to Lara] Can I please try again? I really want to try again. Can I?

Lara: One thing.

Dana: [holding back tears] Anything.

Lara: You have to start at least taking some steps towards being out.

Dana: I will.

Lara: Because you're going to be miserable being in the closet.

Dana: I know.

Lara: And you are really, really gay.

Dana: [almost laughing] I know.

Lara: And it's one of the things I like so much about you. If you hide that, you're hiding the best part.

Alice: [after she finds out that her mother slept with Shane] You know what this means? This means I can never be gay again! Never! I cannot be gay!

Shane: Al, [chuckles] C'mon, it's no big deal. Your mom is really sexy for an older woman.

Alice: [grunts in disgust]

Shane: She is! And you know what, she's got really... [gesturing to her breasts] she's really...

[Alice sits in a chair and covers her ears with a pillow.]

Alice: Oh... [singing] My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R, my bologna has a second name--

Shane: Al, shut up, okay? I should be singing. Your mom got funky with me, alright?

Alice: She came on to you?

Shane: Shit, she's wild, Al.

Alice: Oh, okay, please with the details! God! Why's my mom such a slutty, slutty, chicken-chasing pervert?

Losing It [1.06]

Kit: What is wrong with my baby sister to go off and leave her pregnant wife all alone for some crazy-ass bitch to go off on? Bring her on. I wish she would bring her face up in here, that would be the last time. Look at all these women! [sees Lisa] And dude. We... will... kick... ass. [everyone agrees] I mean, what's wrong with her? I'm sure the man has enough sperm for everybody.

Marina: Jenny's responsible for her own actions. As we all are. I don't think it's me you're angry with.

Tim: Don't tell me how I feel. [angrily] Do not! You preyed on her. Pretended to be her friend! Playing your phony intellectual games just to get into her pants! You know what? You are fucking pathetic, Marina.

Dana: So what's the scoop? Is the lesbo man dating the fake bisexual?

Alice: [throws a peanut at Dana] I am bisexual.

Lara: Okay, I'm confused.

Dana: Ah, well, Lisa over here is a lesbian identified... male.

Lara: So what is that, is that like a transsexual?

Alice: Don't.

Dana: I wonder how he pees. Sitting down do you think? Shane?

Shane: I never peed with him.

Tina: I just want to know, are you into him as a lesbian, or as a man?

Dana: Maybe you should call yourself a transsexual.

Alice: [leaving a message for Shane] Shane! Where are you? It's really, really lonely here at The Planet and your roommates are over here saying "twat" like they have Tourette's Syndrome. Dana and Lara left, and all they were doing is giving me the "we fucked all night and no one else in the world matters" vibe. It was gross! Anyway, I wish you'd come be... surly and cynical with me. Bye!

Shane: Hey, guys. Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.

Alice: Ugh, do you have to make that joke every time we play this game?

Shane: Yes, I do.

L'Ennui [1.07]

Dana: We've seen this happen to other couples that we've known. Janet and Sue for instance. Claudia and Tammy. Oh god, especially Mimi and Ivy. Wow. It would kill us, you guys, if you wound up like Mimi and Ivy. And we wouldn't be your friends if we just stood back and let you get so... so...

Tina: What?

Shane: Boring.

Alice: Boring

Dana: Boring. Guys.

Tina and Bette: Boring?

Alice: I know this is painful. Denial is very common, it's okay. That's why we've actually made this list of incidents and this multiple choice self assessment test, which we'll go through with you, and then the two of you can fill it out together and tally the results.

Bette: It has results?

Tina: Results you can... tally?

Bette: Jesus.

Lisa: What were you doing last night around 9:15?

Alice: I don't know. Um... I think brushing my teeth.

Lisa: Did you feel anything? Because I was sending you Reiki.

Alice: Oh, my god. Did you say 9:15?

Tina: [whispers to Bette] Reiki, isn't that boring?

Bette: [whispers back] Really boring. Write it down.

Lara: So you still haven't told me. What do you think counts as sex?

Dana: I don't know. Having an orgasm.

Lara: Well, if that was the case, that would mean thousands of women who are married with children have never had sex.

Tina: It's primal. Females in the animal kingdom, they do this when they're gestating. You become a homebody. You just... retreat! Like a brooding hen.

Alice: So you guys are going to pass up a private girl party on the most famous gin-palace in the Pacific so you can go home and sit on an egg?

Jenny: Who are you?

Marina: Someone who cares about you. You'll find that your life is richer, more full of possibilities and choices. I've opened up your world.

Jenny: Fuck you.

Listen Up [1.08]

Alice: [Dana is signing her magazine ad for Marina] Yeah, sign it. "Dana Fairbanks. Professional lesbian". [Dana rolls her eyes] Oh, c'mon. It's going wide next week. It's gonna be in every magazine you read.

Marina: That's amazing. You won't be able to keep the girls away. Your parents must be so proud.

Alice: Dana... did you not do it?

Marina: You didn't come out to your parents yet?

Shane: Well, I think Subaru's gonna do it for you.

Sharon: [about Dana's Subaru ad] Oh, what did it say again, dear? It said, uh... what was... oh, "Get out and stay out!" [laughs]

Dana: [nervous] Yeah...

Sharon: I'm not really sure what that means.

Dana: Uh... it means, uh... It's a marketing campaign for, uh, women. Who are like me. Who, uh... who are... out. Doorsy. Outside a lot.

Jenny: I never said I was a lesbian.

Annette: So it just... came outta nowhere and bit 'ya on the ass? Just like that? Because I mean, y'know... [turns to Jenny] I love women. Yeah, for companionship, I figure I could do without the company of men entirely. Except, dude... can't get down with the puss. I love a dick.

Jenny: I think I'm bisexual.

Annette: Oh, brother.

Jenny: I do. I really do.

Annette: Jenny. Is this just your way of telling me that you had a huge crush on me in college?

Jenny: Why couldn't I have been born with a trust fund, you know? All I wanna do is just sit at this desk and just write and...

Annette: That's because most people with trust funds aren't tortured enough to write.

Annette: [spying on Marina and Francesca] Twat!

Jenny: No more twat. No more twat for me. Twat gets me into trouble.

Luck, Next Time [1.09]

Dana: [to Alice, watching Shane and Slim interact] It's like some weird carnival mirror or something.

Francesca: [to Jenny] The thing about Marina is that when she focuses on you, you feel like you're the only one that exists. It's her gift. I don't blame you for falling in love with her. [to Marina] But maybe you use your gift a little too freely.

Alice: [to Dana, who is moping in bed] Some of us have it worse, you know, Dana. Some of us are dating lesbian men. Okay? C'mon.

Dana: [about her mom] It's like I came out to a piece of wood. I mean, she didn't even mention it.

Alice: That's good. She's accepting it through denial.

Dana: She's setting me up on a blind date with her friend Mildred's son!

Alice: At least it's not shock therapy.

Andrew: You know, I don't understand why you need to be set up. When your mother showed me your picture I was, like--

Dana: Was it a Subaru ad by any chance?

Andrew: Oh, you did a Subaru ad?

Dana: Yeah. The slogan was "Get out and stay out."

Andrew: Oh, is that like an outdoorsy kind of...

Dana: Gay thing? Yeah, look, um... That's me, okay? I'm... I'm a lesbian! [Andrew looks at her weirdly with lust] Don't look at me like that, okay? I don't wanna have sex with you and another woman, okay? I'd just... I would want to have sex with a woman, alright. I'm that gay.

Liberally [1.10]

Alice: What am I gonna do if I'm fucking pregnant?

Dana: Get an abortion, Al.

Shane: You could give the baby to Bette and Tina. [Dana and Alice scrunch their noses at Shane] Well, we're already like a family, it'd be like the kid belongs to all of us.

Alice: So, instead of "Heather Has Two Mommies," Heather has six mommies.

Dana: [about Lisa, if Alice is pregnant] Wow. Well, he'd be the first lesbo in history ever to pull that one off.

Alice: There's not that, you know, bullshit of like... you know, I do you, you do me, and, you know... we check in, have we had equal time? And all that crap.

Dana: You know, Al, just 'cause you're riding the big fat weenie doesn't mean there's something wrong with the way the rest of us do it, okay?

Shane: Hey, look, now that you're out big time, let's give you a mullet.

Dana: What? No.

Shane: Yes, c'mon, hockey hair, it'll be hot.

Dana: No!

Alice: I don't think she's ready to be a bull dyke, Shane.

Dana: [to Alice] Thank you.

Shane: Mkay.

Looking Back [1.11]

Tina: [telling them how she and Bette first met] So then, that night I go home and I realize... I left the earring at her gallery even though I could have sworn that I put it back on my ear. [chuckling] Call it fate.

Alice: Or call it the oldest trick in the book.

Alice: [to Lenore] Woo hoo, congratulate me. I got my period.

Bette: So why are we congratulating you?

[Everybody but Bette and Tina looks awkward]

Alice: [searching for words] Huh?... Cause I love getting my period.

Lenore: She does. Ever since she was a kid.

Alice: Right. Yeah, no. Cause it reaffirms my womanhood. I like to celebrate it to, you know, show women everywhere it's a blessing, it's not a curse.

Jenny: So, is this a golf tournament?

Alice: Yeah, it's the Kraft-Nabisco Professional Women's Golf Tournament. Otherwise known as the Dinah Shore Weekend.

Jenny: Is she gay?

Alice: No. Dinah Shore's dead.

Lenore: Tennis players are like girls in college. Gay until graduation.

Alice: Alright, look. Right there. See?

[A couple of butch lesbians walk by, hand in hand.]

Alice: That's what I call a hundred footer.

Jenny: What's that?

Tina: It means you can tell she's a lesbian from a hundred feet away.

Alice: Is it her hair? Is it her jog bra? Is it her mandles? I don't know!

[Everyone laughs.]

Tina: Great.

Alice: I can tell she's a lesbo from across a football field.

Locked Up [1.12]

Jenny: [about manatees] What happened to them, why were they beached?

Gene: Well, the, um... the one female was running away from the five males. She stays in heat for a month and the... the bulls spend the entire time smashing into each other, trying to have sex with her then they just kinda ditch her once she's pregnant.

Jenny: Gosh, that sounds like a lot of humans.

Gene: If you wanna have dinner sometime... I could tell you everything I know about manatees.

Jenny: I'd like that.

Candace: [in jail] Aren't you going to sit down?

Bette: I can't.

Candace: Why?

Bette: I can't sit near you.

Marina: [to Robin] The Greek word eros denotes want, like, the desire for that which is missing. The lover wants what he doesn't have. It is by definition impossible for him to have what he wants if as soon as it is had it is no longer wanted.

Bette: [leaving a message] Fuck, Tina, I know you're real busy saving the world and everything, but I need you to start answering your phone.

Dana: [about her arrest] Oh, god, I'm gonna die if my parents find out about this!

Alice: Well, look at the upside: now, being a dyke won't be a big deal.

Limb from Limb [1.13]

Shane: [to Cherie] You know... my entire life, people have said that... I would become a psychopath if I didn't learn how to feel. But I wanna know, Cherie, what the fuck is so great about feeling? Because I finally let myself. And I feel like my heart's been completely ripped out.

Ivan: Do you know what you're looking for, Kit?

Kit: No. No, not in the big picture sense that you mean.

Ivan: Then how do you know I can't give it to you?

Shane: I had this insane idea that you and I could be together. Because it felt real.

Cherie: It was a delusion.

Shane: Then I'm delusional. Because, I swear you felt the same way about me.

Kit: [to Bette, sarcastically] Well, thank you for the lessons of the ritual mating habits of the indigenous lesbians. Maybe next week we'll do butch and femme role-play.

Bette: [about Ivan] She's madly in love with you, you know.

Kit: No, he's not, we're friends, he helps me out with stuff.

Bette: That's because she is in love with you, and she wants to be your husband.

Season 2

Life, Loss, Leaving [2.01]

Bette: Tina... I didn't try to see you or call you until now because I wanted to make sure that I could do what you asked of me. I promise, I'm never going to see Candace again. I'm never going to speak to her again. I'm never ever going to think about her again. I miss you. More than that, I made you. And, I don't think I could live without you. It is completely and totally over.

Tina: When did you end it?

Bette: This morning. I told her that you were the love of my life and that I didn't know what I was doing and that I must have gone temporarily insane.

Tina: Did you tell her in person, or on the phone?

Bette: Why does that matter?

Tina: Because I drove by the house at 2:00 AM, and your car wasn't there. Did you fuck ALL night before you told her that I was the love of your life this morning?

Alice: This coffee tastes like poopie-shit! Where's Marina?

Alice: Ariana Huffington is fifty. She's not really your type. She's kinda fancy.

Shane: I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna fuck her.

Alice: Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would.

Shane: Huh. [Dana joins the table] Well in that case, if she's hot...

Tonya: [to Dana] Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington.

Dana: You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane!

Shane: Her hair.

Dana: Ah.

[Shane and Alice are at the Planet talking when they see the annoying Tonya walk in]

Shane: Oh, shit.

Alice: Oh no, I cannot take Cruella DeVille this morning. Do something... uh... pretend I'm upset.

Shane: What? What?

Alice: Put your arm around me! Um... I'll just start sobbing, and...

[Shane complies by putting her arm on Alice]

Alice: Obviously it'll be a really intimate moment. I mean... no halfway, sensitive person would ever dream of interrupting.

Tonya: Guys! You guys!

[Tonya sits at their table, completely unaware of their private moment. Alice and Shane make faces, then go back to what they were doing]

Tonya: This place is falling apart! Did you guys hear what happened to Marina?

Lap Dance [2.02]

Tonya: [Dana and Tonya have gone to see Dana's parents to get their blessing for the wedding] Sharon... I was engaged once before, I don't know if Dana ever told you.

Sharon Fairbanks: No, she didn't.

Tonya: Well... it was with a man. His name was Bayard. He was smart and successful... he was a real estate lawyer. He was totally in love with me. Now, I tried really hard to make that one work. But every night I would wake up in the middle of the night, crying. And one night, Bayard woke up and he found me like that. Do you know what he did?

Irwin Fairbanks: Damned if I do.

Tonya: He got down on one knee, and he said, "Tonya, will you not marry me? Because I know what's in your heart. And I love you too much to make you unhappy. Be true to yourself Tonya. Follow your heart".

[Sharon begins to cry and Dana and Tonya hug her]

Loneliest Number [2.03]

Jenny: How are you?

Bette: How were you when your life fell apart?

Jenny: I was a mess.

Bette: That's it. That's me.

Jenny: Is that Carmen spinning?

Shane: Yeah, I hooked her up with Kit.

Jenny: Aren't you going to go say hi?

Shane: [with a forced grin] I did. [at Jenny's look] What?

Jenny: I don't know, it's just sometimes you remind me of guys I used to date in high school.

Alice: [as she approaches Shane across the dance floor] Sorry... excuse me... Shane! Ah! 'kay, I have to tell you something I'm really not s'posed to tell you.

Shane: Fight the urge.

Alice: But I... But I can't!

Shane: Try.

Alice: But it's hard!

Shane: I know, but try!

Lynch Pin [2.04]

Labyrinth [2.05]

[Tina hasn't told Bette about the baby]

Alice: I mean, she's GOTTA know. Is she fucking blind?

Bette: Did you know that Tina is pregnant?

Jenny: Yeah. Bette you didn't know? Oh my GOD how did you not know?

Bette: Because I am the biggest fucking asshole in the universe, I guess that's how! Because I am just some huge cosmological joke, is what I am!

Jenny: No you're not. Okay. Tina obviously must have gone out of her way to keep this a secret from you.

Bette: She must hate me. She must actually fucking hate me.

Jenny: No she doesn't hate you.

[Bette makes a toast]

Bette: Dana... Tanya. I lift my glass to caring, kindness, and trust, and longevity, and respect. To all the things that you will need to keep your love alive. I wish you happiness. And I hope you forever spare each other pain. [long pause, smiling, holding back tears] And if you find that isn't possible, then I wish you forgiveness. [drinks, then walks out without looking at Tina]

Lagrimas de Oro [2.06]

[Bette and Tina are talking on the phone]

Bette: And you know who's responsible for this? Your buddy Helena Peabody. That woman's a fucking dragon, and she's making my life a living hell.

[Tina does not respond]

Bette: Oh, please don't tell me you're sleeping with her.

Tina: Bette...

Bette: [frustrated tone] Are you sleeping with her? Are you fucking sleeping with her?

Tina: It's none of your fucking business!

Bette: Don't do it, Tina. That woman will eat you alive. She's a vampire.

Tina: [sarcastic] Yeah, and a dragon.

Bette: That's right. She's a monster! However you want to categorize it, she likes to fuck people for sport and...

Tina: And you don't? Like that time with Candace?

Luminous [2.07]

Loyal [2.08]

Late, Later, Latent [2.09]

Burr Connor: [admitting that he is gay] I am a card carrying member of the Cock-Sucker's Club.

Carmen: [being interviewed by Mark] My name is Carmen de la Pica Morales. The first time I knew I was gay... I was 16 back then. I fell madly in love with Lucia Torres. She was Pablo Fuentes' girlfriend. In my high school, you just... you didn't fuck with Pablo's girl. But I did.

Shane: [to Mark, with urge to pee, but having seen that Jenny and Carmen are having sex in the bathroom] Use the bushes.

Dana: Don't laugh, OK?

[Comes out from bathroom naked wearing a strap-on]

Alice: [pause] Fuck... Who's laughing?

Land Ahoy [2.10]

Alice: [whispering in Dana's ear] I want you to fuck me really hard with a strap-on.

Dana: [to Alice about using a strap-on] Is it a bisexual thing? You tryin' to have your cake and eat your pussy too?

Loud & Proud [2.11]

[Mark tries to make amends after Jenny discovers he has been filming her and Shane on hidden cameras]

Mark: I wish so much that there was something I could do.

Jenny: No, I don't think there's anything that you can do. I think you did it.

Mark: When I moved in here, I was the type of guy who was capable of doing shit like this. But I am not that guy anymore. I know that I've said it before, but you and Shane have made me a better man.

Jenny: Oh, fuck off, Mark. It's not my job to make you a better man and I don't give a shit if I've made you a better man. It's not a fucking woman's job to be consumed and invaded and spat out so that some fucking man can evolve.

Mark: That's not what I meant.

Jenny: What the fuck are you talking about, then, Mark? You give me one reason why you think that I should forgive you.

Mark: Because, Jenny. I made a big, big mistake. But from that I have learned how difficult it is to be a woman.

Jenny: Ugh. Please. [walks away]

Mark: Wait, Jenny! Hey! Look at this! [strips naked]

Jenny: What are you doing?

Mark: Is this what you want?

Jenny: No. [hurls a pen at him] What I want is for you to write "fuck me" on your chest. Write it. Do it! And then I want you to walk out that door and I want you to walk down the street, and anybody that wants to fuck you, say, "Sure! Sure! No problem!" And when they do, you have to say, "Thank you very, very much." And make sure that you have a smile on your face. And then, you stupid fucking coward, you're gonna know what it feels like to be a woman.

[after Tina tells her she wants to start seeing Bette again]

Helena: [condescendingly] Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think we were exclusive?

[Dana refuses to believe Howie when he comes out]

Howie: I've known since I was 4, Dane.

L'Chaim [2.12]

Shane: That's the cycle of life. We start out eating baby food and wearing a diaper and we go out that way.

Lacuna [2.13]

Shane: [laughs] I like a girl with ambition.

Carmen: [also laughs] Fuck you!

Shane: Okay, if you want.

[they kiss]

Bette: [entering the bathroom] Baby, are you okay?

Tina: [smiles] I think my water just broke. Oh my God.

Bette: [calls the hospital] Hi Davina, it's Bette Porter, I am in the bathroom of the Wiltern theater with Tina and a huge puddle of water.

Peggy: I hope you girls write fabulous, sick, neurotic, tortured love poems to one another.

Bette: [smiling] I'm actually working on several right now.

Peggy: Send me one, would you, Bette?

Season 3

Labia Majora [3.01]

Dr. Farber: Alright, listen... The guiding principle here is that we are trying to rekindle the sexual spark in this long-term relationship. And Mama T and Mama B do not make mad, passionate love to one another; they make cookies.

Alice: I'm Alice Pieszecki and you're listening to the chart on KCRW. Welcome back. Tonight we are talking about the connection between love and the senses. [short pause] Your lover kisses you, and you feel a tremor in the back of your knees. The synapses fire sending orders, move your legs, move your arms... she's the one for you, she's the... girl of your dreams, she's your one and only. And you know because... the smell of her makes your head swim, because you get a physical jolt every time she sends a glance your way. I mean she touches you here [puts hand on lower neck] and you feel it... here. [touches inner thigh] You touch her... anywhere, and you feel it... everywhere. And then... boom. It's six months later and she's... touching someone else. And you might say "Hey... all relationships end, lovers leave, leaving a labyrinth of... heartache and betrayal." For example, my first boyfriend left me for a voluptuous... former lesbian named April, who I then wound up having a rebound affair with, but... We could also talk about Gabbi. Otherwise known as lesbian ex of point of origin for an entire geographical substratum of lesbian linkages. Including... Lara. Yes that same Lara, we love her... Lara the larcenist... Lara the liberator. Lara the, the new true love of... of Dana. [takes out and opens a bottle of pills] ...and, yeah, I mean Dana who told me she needed... she needed closure, closure with Lara. [pause] Well, it's six months later... and I'm still waiting for it to close.

Jenny: Are you thinking about having sex with me right now?

Moira: It's crossed my mind...

Alice: [on her relationship with Angelica] I'm her Earth-mother. I guess I'd be her godmother, except I don't believe in God.

Stepfather: I don't know what more we can do.

Jenny: Nothing. There is nothing more you can do for me to make me the person you are comfortable with.

Lost Weekend [3.02]

[Carmen is making out with Shane]

Carmen: Quiero lamberte hasta que te vengas en mi boca mil veces.

Shane: Sorry, my Spanish is a little rusty. Could you be more specific?

Carmen: It means: I want to lick you until you come in my mouth a thousand times.

Shane: Whoa.

Jenny: [after shooting one of the rednecks with a taser gun] We're not fags, idiot! We're DYKES!

Anna: Who does your hair?

Shane: I do it myself.

Anna: Well, some job you do to it. It's all tangled, stringy. When was the last time you washed it?

[Anna takes out a brush and starts brushing Shane's hair]

Anna: Here, I'll just pat it down. If you want me to make it a little more straight I'll...

Shane: [interrupting] NO! Do not... make it straight.

Alice: [to a little kid at Angelica's birthday party] Hi there, who are you?

Roland: I'm Roland. Are you the clown?

Alice: I'm the birthday girl, Roland. [Alice looks around and spots all the toddlers at the party. It's clearly not her party] And yes, yes I'm the clown.

Roland: [running off] Mommy, mommy, the clown's here!

Lobsters [3.03]

Carmen: [snickering, to Shane] Big butch: go unload the truck.

[Moira tosses bag at Shane, who almost falls over catching it]

Light My Fire [3.04]

Bette: I'm trying to meet with Barbara Grisham tomorrow before the hearings.

Tina: Senator Grisham. Damn, I think she's hot.

Bette: Is your husband as fluid as you are?

Senator Barbara Grisham: My husband. I have an arrangement. Works out well. But none the less.

Lifeline [3.05]

Alice: What do you teach?

Uta Refson: I'm a vampirologist. I teach a course on the queer vampire in literature and film. And a seminar called demon desire, about the vampire as a lesbian predator.

Alice: Okay, I'm a total vampire lesbian freak!

Uta Refson: What attracts you to the lesbian vampire, Alice?

Alice: I don't know, Uta. Maybe it's just... I like the dark side.

Uta Refson: What about tomorrow?

Alice: What? Lunch?

Uta Refson: For dinner. I'm not much of a daytime person.

Alice: What? Because vampires don't go out during the day?

Uta Refson: No. We lay in bed... with the curtains drawn.

[creepy musical fanfare]

Alice: [slightly afraid] Okay... uh... tomorrow night.

Alice: I think Uta might be a vampire

Helena: What?

Alice: Well have you seen her teeth? They're...

Helena: [cuts Alice off] What?

Alice: They're sharp. They're... [shows Helena her neck]

Helena: That's a hickey.

Alice: I don't know. [pauses] I don't know.

Helena: Well. [pulls out a mirror] You know what they say about vampires. No reflection.

Alice: Oh!

Helena: Try.

Alice: Okay. [to Uta, who just walked over] Hey.

Helena: Okay.

[Helena leaves, scared by the look Uta just gave her]

Alice: I think I got some thing in my teeth. I'll just... [turns so the mirror faces Uta]

[Uta ducks while Alice is turning]

Alice: [looking for Uta in the mirror] Holy fucking shit. [turns around]

Uta Refson: [standing again] What? Oh, I just dropped my ring. Why don't we get out of here?

Alice: [has a scared/distrusting look on her face] Okay.

Lifesize [3.06]

Carmen: [about flirting with guys in her DJ-booth] Are you jealous?

Shane: NO! I'm not fucking jealous... it just made me sad.

Carmen: Oh! You were so fucking sad that you go off and fuck Cherie Jaffe... SHANE! What kind of psychotic response is that?

Lone Star [3.07]

Latecomer [3.08]

Alice: Where's Carmen?

Shane: Ugh, I'm in the shithouse.

Alice: Why?

Shane: Carmen had a dream that I gave Cherie Jaffe a fucking tattoo.

Alice: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've had that happen. I had a girl who dreamt that I fucked David Schwimmer. [Shane stares at her] Well, Friends was on a lot.

Dana: Actually, when we were going out, I had a dream you were a midget.

[Shane laughs, Alice nudges her]

Dana: But I wasn't mad at you or anything.

Lead, Follow, or Get Out of the Way [3.09]

[after Tina slept with a man]

Bette: You no longer have the privileges of being my life partner!

Tina: Woah!

Carmen: It's like one minute you're my girlfriend, you're on my side, you love me and the next minute...

Shane: I don't wanna lose your family! Okay? I don't want them to hate me. I think it would be really fucked if they sat there and blamed me for this, which I'm so sure they already have.

Carmen: What do you know about family?

Kit: What's male inside? What's female inside? Why can't you be the butchest butch in the world and keep your body?

Max: Because I wanna feel whole. I want the outside of me to match the inside of me.

Kit: You'll be giving up the most precious thing in the world.

Max: What? My tits?

Kit: No. Being a woman

Dr. Susan Love: [signing Alice's book] There you go, Alice.

Alice: Why thank you, Doctor Love.

Dr. Susan Love: I would advise anybody in your condition to have chemotherapy, but I'm really glad you're doing all the complementary therapies as well, because that's really gonna make you feel better.

Dana: Just... At this point, I wanna know what I can do to help you.

Alice: Yeah. I mean, you're working on a cure right? That's what I read.

Helena: Alice, you saw that.

Alice: She's kinda cute, right? Her name's Chandra.

Tina: Why don't you guys go out?

Losing the Light [3.10]

[after finding out about Max's past as Moira]

Tim Haspel: [to his wife] Becky, the next time we see Jenny, she might be with a German Shepard.

Jenny: [to Tim's wife] You know, before he left me, he gave me a revenge-fuck.

Last Dance [3.11]

[at Dana's funeral]

Priest: How unfortunate it is that she died before finding herself a husband and...

Alice: What the hell are you talking about? Dana was GAY!

[everyone gasps in horror]

Tegan Quin: [Dana is hallucinating after having taken LSD with Shane before a Tegan and Sara concert] Hey, you know who's a lesbian?

Sara Quin: Dana Fairbanks!

Dana: I am not!

Bette: What?

Tegan Quin: Come on Dana! Come out of that closet!

Max: [to Jenny] If you think men are the enemy, then you and I have a problem.

Left Hand of the Goddess [3.12]

Season 4

Legend in the Making [4.01]

Bette: [at Joyce Wichnia's office] Tina's not qualified to parent a biracial child.

Tina: Oh, yeah, and I was qualified to sleep with one for eight years?

Bette: Obviously, you weren't qualified for that, either!

Max: I just don't know why we can't work it out.

Jenny: Because you identify as a straight man. So there's the mismatch because you want me to be your straight girlfriend to your straight guy. And I identify as a lesbian who likes to fuck girls. And you're not a girl.

[Alice and Jenny are explaining the concept of the online version of The Chart to Helena.]

Helena: Do you have to sleep with someone first?

Alice: Well, I mean, when I first put it up, that was the core concept. Like, you know, Jenny slept with Tina, who slept with Annie...

Helena: [to Jenny] You slept with Tina?

Jenny: Nooo! I would never sleep with Tina.

Alice: No, no, hypothetically.

Joyce Wischnia: Well, I'm glad to see that you've made your decision.

Bette: What decision have we made?

Joyce Wischnia: Mommy Dearest One and Mommy Dearest Two will be fighting this out in a court of law... which in the end is not a terrible thing.

Tina: How is that not a terrible thing?

Bette: Yeah, in what universe is that not a terrible thing?

Joyce Wischnia: Well, in the universe of my bank account for one.

Joyce Wischnia: [to baby Angelica] And you, my little sweet, you will be known in the press as Baby A, the artificially conceived daughter of a bisexual, white movie exec and a biracial, lesbian art-world titan. Oh, my gosh. The fundamentalists will picket. Liberals and feminists will argue among themselves. Good Christian folks will write into the op-eds, offering to adopt her away from her sick and perverted, warring parents.

Livin' La Vida Loca [4.02]

Alice: [reading a message from Papi on her computer] "Tonight, ten p.m. I'll be there. Will you?" Oh yeah, sure you will, Papi.

Tina: You call your computer "Papi"?

Alice: Oh, no, it's this girl on Our Chart. Papi. You know, she has more hits than Shane. How do you not know this? Where have you been? Oh, right. Stuck in the far reaches of Heteroville, that's right.

Shane: Helena hates me, doesn't she?

Alice: No, she doesn't hate you. But you know, apart from Carmen she is the one who got hurt the most. You know she's my roommate now?

Shane: Really?

Alice: Yeah.

Shane: Well, what do you think I could do to make it up to her?

Alice: You got forty million dollars stashed away in a sock?

Shane: What?

Nadia: Wow. Are you... are you an athlete?

Bette: [a beat] No. Why?

Nadia: Because you have, uhh... because you have very beautiful arms.

Bette: [laughs nervously] Uhh, I do some, you know, some yoga every now and again. I just, I really don't have any time to do anything more than that.

Nadia: My ex-girlfriend was a professional boxer and your arms sort of reminded me of hers.

Bette: [chuckles] Well, I'm not a boxer, so I better not get into a ring with her.

[Both laugh awkwardly]

Alice: Well, Papi, you have become sort of a legend in about uh... two days on my website. You crashed my whole server.

Papi: What can I say, I've been blessed. Seems the ladies like me as much as I like them.

Alice: We're talking about a helluva lot of ladies.

Papi: Like I said: I've been blessed... a lot.

Papi: [whispers in Alice's ear] You make me bad...

Alice: [moans] Oh wow... [gasps] What are you doing?

Papi: [whispers] Circles!

Alice: Ohh...!

Papi: Magic circles!

Alice: [moans] Circles!

Papi: Circles are good right?

Alice: [moans] Oh yeah, circles are good!

Papi: Aha!

Alice: Yeah circles. [gasps] Oh wow circles. [moans]

Papi: You like that?

Alice: Oh yeah I really think I like circles! [moans louder] Oh wow, yeah circles, circles are great Papi! [moans even louder] Circles are great Papi! [gasps loudly between breaths] Oh Papi, oh Papi, oh my god Papi, Papi, Papi!

Lassoed [4.03]

Nadia: [seeing Bette rub her shoulder] Do you have a knot? Do you want me to unlock it?

Bette: Uh... it... it's okay. No, really, it's fine.

Nadia: [rubbing Bette's shoulders anyway] Oh, wow. You are really tight. God, do you feel that? It's right there.

Bette: [whispering] Nadia, please...

Nadia: Do you want me to find you a body worker? Because, oh my gosh, I have the most amazing Ayurvedic healer, and he, he went so deep...

Bette: I, uh, I'd prefer a woman.

[Bette's embarrassed and realizes what she just blurted out]

Nadia: [a beat] Well. That can be arranged, Dean Porter.

Bette: I just need to find out, uh, what conferences C.U. has hosted. I know that we did the Global Sustainability last August...

Nadia: Where Dr. Gorsham sustained multiple hickeys from his two teaching assistants.

Bette: You mean he slept with both of them?

Nadia: Don't be shocked. It happens all the time.

Bette: Well, that doesn't make it acceptable.

Nadia: No, but we're all adults, Bette. I mean, in a cloistered environment like a university, it would be absurd to think that there weren't relationships between faculty and students.

Jenny: Why are you applying for a job as a receptionist?

Helena: I would pretty much do any job right now that doesn't involve sex or touching insects, otherwise I'm gonna be stuck here with Alice in this sweet little one bedroom.

Brad: Look, I'm not a homophobe, you know what I'm saying? But, uh... Look, if my son came home and he told me that he was gay... I mean, I'm sure I would come around to it but... You know, at first there would be a reaction and... I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest here, alright?

Bette: An honest homophobe, how nice.

Tina: Bette, don't get into it.

Bette Porter: No, I... I understand, Brad. I mean, you find gay sex repulsive and you don't care about your son's personal happiness as much as you do for your own comfort level. Right?

Bette: [speaking rapidly with a lowered voice] Girls, girls, okay, here's the deal: Phyllis Kroll, Executive Vice Chancellor of California University, very accomplished, very dignified, very much my boss, I repeat, very much my boss. She's been married twenty five years and is now at this relatively late date convinced she's a lesbian and is peeking out of the closet as we speak, so please, please, please be nice to her and try to talk to her and try not to make her feel like she's the oldest fucking lesbian on the planet. [gets up] Phyllis! Hi, it's good to see you.

Layup [4.04]

[Papi is trash-talking Bette while they are playing basketball against each other]

Bette: Who you callin' Brown Barbie, you fuckin' Carmalita Tropicana!

Alice: [to Bette about Phyllis] You know she's not my normal type. Not that I have a type.

Lez Girls [4.05]

Alice: Right, right. Oh, wait, he's talking to me! So weird. Huh?... What?... OK, I'll tell her. He said don't ever fucking compare yourself to him!

Tom Mater: [lighting a joint for Bette] Come on Dean. Alright, none of that Clintonian shit now - inhale!

Luck Be a Lady [4.06]

Lesson Number One [4.07]

[Talking over whether Helena should have sex to erase her gambling debt, and whether she'd feel like a whore after]

Kit: We all been there, one way or another. Once I gave a blow job to a horn player. [Everybody gives Kit a funny look] So I could get a line of cocaine!

Helena: And afterwards? How did you feel?

Kit: High. I was a high 'ho.

Lexington and Concord [4.08]

Lacy Lilting Lyrics [4.09]

Jodi: [to Bette] Yes, I fucked her. But it didn't work. Every time I looked at her, my head filled with pictures of you. Her skin didn't feel as soft as yours. I didn't like the way she touched me. And her kiss... didn't make my head spin the way yours does. You've ruined me for anybody else.

Little Boy Blue [4.10]

[in sign language; subtitled]

Jodi: Hello, Amy.

Amy: "Hello, Amy?"

Jodi: Let me call you at home.

Amy: Cut the crap. Talk to me now!

Jodi: Okay. What do you want?

Amy: You tossed me aside like a piece of garbage!

Jodi: We talked about this.

Amy: We didn't talk. YOU talked! You're a fucking, heartless, cunt!

Jodi: You told me you understood.

Amy: Well, I lied.

Jodi: What do you want me to say?

Amy: You don't want to feel tied down. You could never commit to one person.

Jodi: I didn't think I could. I was telling you the truth.

Amy: What? You fuck me all night long and then you told me in the morning that you were in love with someone else?

Jodi: Okay, what do you want me to say?

Amy: Fuck you! She must be an incredible fuck! Does she whisper sweet things in your ear? Make you feel like a part of the world.

Jodi: [shouting in her own voice] FUCK YOU! I fucking did my best!

Amy: [shouting in her own voice] Well, fuck you, you fucking fuck!

Literary License to Kill [4.11]

Long Time Coming [4.12]

[Jenny barges in on a meeting she was deliberately left out of]

Tina: Oh Jenny, we thought that you were uh...

Jenny: That I was uh... completely clueless? Someone to fuck with?

Tina: No, of course not...

Jenny: Someone who didn't realize what a lying duplicitous scheming excuse you are for a friend? [to Kate] Be careful if you're doing business with this woman because she actually eats her own.

Kate Arden: Actually, Jenny, Tina's been a really good friend to you, as a matter of fact she's protected you...

Jenny: She just wants to fuck you! She does. She just wants to get in your pants...

Tina: Shut the fuck up, Jenny, OK? You're a cunt! Bette almost lost her job because of you!

Alice: [to Dana's "ghost"] You really curse a lot more now!

Season 5

LGB Tease [5.01]

Look Out, Here They Come! [5.02]

Dusty: [They start to have sex in the prison cell, though Helena looks still a little frightened by Dusty] I haven't killed anyone!

Helena: You didn't?

Dusty: It was tax fraud!

Lady of the Lake [5.03]

Tina: Speaking of freakish, look at Jenny's new assistant.

Alice: Well, you kind of have to admire her a little bit.

Tina: It's gross! There's something wrong with that girl!

Let's Get This Party Started [5.04]

Lookin' at You, Kid [5.05]

Alice: Why is my life supposed to stop because you want to live in a fucking closet? I did not sign up for that bullshit. You did. I am allowed to say what I want, and do what I want, and fucking out who I want... and love who I want because I live in the goddamn U.S. of fucking A.

Tasha: And I'm the one out there fighting for your right to be ignorant.

Nikki: We're gonna fuck in a closet?

Jenny: The irony hasn't escaped me.

Alice: [on national TV] Listen! Gay people are being bashed, harassed, and killed every day, and then you've got this guy who's gay himself, and he's saying this garbage? It's disgusting! I totally respect someone's choice to stay in the closet, I do. If that's what they want to do, I get it. But I don't think it's OK to kiss your boyfriend one day and then go out and trash gay people the next! Especially if you're a public figure and you have people looking up to you. No, I don't feel bad. I do not feel bad about what I did.

Shane: [sitting on counter] Hey you want one?

Cammie: Oh no I'm good thanks.

Shane: Hey listen they're not gay I promise.

Alice: Oh my God! What if they were gay? What if the brownies were gay?

Shane: [laughing] They're all fucking each other.

Alice: [in brownie voice] You're hot.

Lights! Camera! Action! [5.06]

Jenny: So this is what I want you to do. Ok, so you're going to look at her and you're going to take her and you're gonna throw her against the sink - BAM! And you're gonna look at her with PASSION and then you - don't worry I won't kiss you - you're gonna take her and you're gonna kiss her with tongue. And then I want you to reach down and then I want you to fingerfuck her... and give her the best fucking orgasm ever. Go for it!

Isabella: OH, you mean with my hand?

Jenny: Yeah. Unless you have some other apparati I don't know about.

Isabella: [as Bev] - 'How exciting... You're ovulating. Let's make a baby!'...

Jenny: Passion! That's okay. Okay, wauw, it looks like you guys are sort of doing a dance.

Isabella: Do you want to see my hand?

Jenny: I'd like to. Might be nice for you to look like you're actually giving her pleasure rather than moving furniture. You know, that looks like you're sewing up a hole in her jeans. You guys really don't know how to fuck women, do you?

Alice: Fuck you, Denbo! AND your dumb lover. You're a ratfuck!

Shane: BYE CINDI!

Bette: I don't know what to do.

Tina: You're in love with Jodi, right?

Bette: I adore her. And I respect and admire her. But...

Tina: But what?

Bette: It doesn't really compare.

Alice: Are you gonna dance in your black bra?

Shane: You know, I was thinking about it, but I just don't need one. Thank god.

Lesbians Gone Wild [5.07]

Bette: So which side of the bed is Nina's?

Tina: I don't know. Um. [gets up and stands next to the left side of the bed] Maybe this side? [lays down] Yeah, that feels right.

Bette: So maybe this side would be Bev's side? [lays down on the right side of the bed]

Tina: Yeah.

Bette: Do you have any hard rock candy?

Tina: No. But I have some pot.

[Bette and Tina both giggle]

Shane: If you want to stick around a little longer and then I could take you out.

Molly: [sarcastic] Sure.

Shane: What?

Molly: My mother told me all about your little game. You're like the Fonz, or something, for lesbians.

Shane: Bullshit. The Fonz?

Molly: Yeah, Happy Days.

Shane: No, I'm not the Fonz. I'm not Happy Days. It's just a... [beat] Alright, I give it to you. You're sassy.

Molly: I'm not sassy, I'm bored. But not bored enough to sleep with you.

Lay Down the Law [5.08]

Jodi: Maybe she's a spaghetti girl. Straight until wet.

Liquid Heat [5.09]

Bette Porter: [Talking to Jodi, but facing away so Jodi cannot read her lips] I'm in love with Tina...

Lifecycle [5.10]

Molly: [about the terrible sex Shane said she had] No, it was great for me! You don't just get on a bike and know how to ride it, same with riding a girl. So I freaked out! Big deal! You've just been with so many girls, you don't remember your first time! Well, guess what, it was my first time! And it was great! It was better than with Richard, than with guys and with anybody and I'm really into you. And I swear next time I will SO go down on you!

Molly: [to Shane] I've never flown to the Pacific North-West to chase a girl I barely know, and I'm here, and I'm really crazy about you. And I need you to give me another chance, even if I'm AWFUL in bed. I know that I'm still Gay 101, but I'm a really fast learner, and before you know it I'm going to be Advanced Placement Gay, and Graduate Level Gay. And fuck Law School, I'll get my Doctorate in fucking Gay.

Lunar Cycle [5.11]

Loyal and True [5.12]

Jenny: [to Shane] You know what? It's the ultimate betrayal. You've broken my heart.

Season 6

Long Night's Journey Into Day [6.01]

Bette: Poor Shane.

Tina: Fuck that! I wouldn't blame Jenny if she never spoke to Shane again.

Bette: [laughs with disbelief] That's a little harsh.

Tina: It was unforgivable what Shane did!

Bette: Well, maybe it was wrong, but...

Tina: Maybe?

Bette: Okay, it was wrong.

Tina: It was devastating. After everything that Jenny's been through? Her breakup with Nikki, the movie, her career?

Bette: Well, Shane's been through a lot too, and she's always been there for Jenny. But Shane is a woman. She has needs... like me. Like all of us.

[Bette and Tina both glare at each other with hostility, obviously thinking back to Bette's own infidelity years earlier, but then back off]

Bette: Let's not talk about this anymore.

Tina: You're right... let's not talk anymore.

Papi: Yo.

Alice: Papi? What the hell are you doing here?

Papi: I live here. Maybe I should be asking you that question?

Alice: [stammering] But... I thought... you disappeared. I thought you left town or... got arrested by some cop who was pissed off that you slept with his wife.

Papi: Okay, look who's talking.

ER Nurse: Which one of you is the mother?

Bette, Tina: We both are.

ER Nurse: I need you to put one name only for Angelica's mother.

Bette: Are you kidding me?

ER Nurse: I can't process your paperwork.

Bette: This is Los Angeles. There are same-sex families on ever fucking street corner! She was born in this fucking hospital, and both of our names are on the fucking birth certificate! So, why don't you just give us a fucking break you straight, bureaucratic maggot, and get our daughter to see a God damn doctor! Please?

Least Likely [6.02]

[Helena attacks Dylan in the parking lot outside the nightclub]

Helena: I don't give a fuck whose idea it was to sue me! Yours or Danny's! The point is, you took part in it! You manipulated my emotions! You used me! You humiliated me, and you must be fucking insane to think you can just prance in here and act as if nothing ever happened, telling me that you're happy, telling me that you're out of the closet, telling me that you're oh, so sorry for destroying my fucking life! Fuck you!

Dylan: Thank you! Now I know you care.

Alice: Okay, so basically, that skankball Dylan Moreland almost ruined Helena's life. First, she pretended to be in love with her so she and her boyfriend, Danny, could sue Helena for sexual harassment and extort millions of dollars from her. Can you believe it? So... her mother gets so mad that she cuts Helena off, and she has to move in with me and become a cook.

Helena: I was a caterer.

Alice: Which was a disaster, and let's face it, Helena is used to a certain standard of living. She was born rich, with a gold spoon in her mouth. So, she meets this shady high-roller lady, named Catherine. They hook up, but she uses Helena and takes all her money, and when Helena takes it back, and we still don't know where she buried it, she gets arrested for embezzlement, thrown into prison, and has to share a cell with some killer!

Helena: Her name was Dusty, and she was in for tax fraud.

Alice: Fine! So, Helena's mother can't take it anymore. She bails Helena out of prison, but she doesn't want to live under her mother's thumb anymore, so she springs Dusty from jail, they go abroad to Taha, which she doesn't ever want to talk about since Dusty still hides out over there. So, it couldn't have been great, right?

Helena: Right.

Alice: Anyway, her mother gets stung by some jellyfish while scuba diving, and grants Helena's wealth back again. All of this because of this woman.

Tasha: [to Helena] You want me to kick her ass?

Helena: No. Thank you.

Tasha: You're a better person than me. I would beat a bitch down if she ever did something like that to me.

LMFAO [6.03]

Leaving Los Angeles [6.04]

Litmus Test [6.05]

Lactose Intolerant [6.06]

Alice: [as Bette is describing a stroller that seemingly does everything] Does it do the dishes?

Bette: No, just your taxes.

Last Couple Standing [6.07]

Last Word [6.08]

External links

Wikipedia

Wikipedia has an article about:

The L Word

The L Word quotes at the Internet Movie Database