The Kids in the Hall
The Kids in the Hall is a Canadian sketch comedy group, consisting of comedians Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald, Bruce McCulloch, Mark McKinney and Scott Thompson that formed in 1984. The troupe starred in a television show produced by Saturday Night Live creator Lorne Michaels that ran on Canadian and American television from 1989-1994, produced and starred in the film Brain Candy in 1996, and reunited for tours in 2000, 2002 and 2008. In 2010, the troupe produced an eight-part miniseries, Death Comes To Town, airing first in Canada and then in the United States.
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The Kids in the HallEdit
The Head CrusherEdit
- Mr. Tyzik: I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head!
Cause of CancerEdit
- Bruce McCullough: I'm sorry I caused all that throat cancer and all that bowel cancer. I was just on a roll.
- Dave Foley: And?
- Bruce McCullough: And I won't do it again.
The Gun FighterEdit
- Dave Foley: I once shot a man just to watch him die, then I got distracted and missed it. Oh my friends tried to describe it to me, but it just isn't the same.
The Real Buddy HollyEdit
- Buddy Holly (Kevin McDonald): I’m fuckin’ Buddy Holly! That’s who I am!
Dr. Seuss BibleEdit
- Jesus (Scott Thompson): Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do, for they walk through this life in toe-crampity shoes. (http://www.kithfan.org/work/transcripts/one/drseuss.html)
The Pit of Ultimate DarknessEdit
- Sir Simon Milligan (Kevin McDonald): Now, for those of you with a brave heart and for those of you who have stayed, look into my face and know, to look into my face is to look into the face..of EVIL!
Darill's Blind DateEdit
- Darill: (to date) You look alarmed! Is it because you find something alarming?
- "Daddy" (Dave Foley): All right now, son, I want you to get a good night's rest. And remember, I could murder you while you sleep. It's easy, son, all you have to do is be quiet and willing to do it. And son, I am willing to do it. And, I've got quiet shoes. Good night, son. Sleep well.
Tuck It InEdit
- Bruce McCulloch: Now I'm more confused than a horny bisexual at an orgy!
Losing My ReligionEdit
- Dave Foley: Well, fine, if you want to quit, you can, but I can't! You see, I didn't ask to be a prophet. Nope, you see one day I just heard a voice say, "Hey, Ted! Ted! No, over here, Ted!" And I turned and I saw the very bright lights. And I said, "Hi," and God said. "Hi," and I said, "So you're God huh?" and God said, "Yup, how you doin', Ted?" and I said, "Okay, how 'bout you lord?" "Pretty good what's new Ted?" I said, "Oh, nothing much, what's new with you?" And he said, "Well, you know, same old, same old. Well I guess I'd better be running along, you must be busy." And I said, "No, God, I'm not doing anything." And God said, "Well, I better be running anyway." and I said, "Wait, God, is there anything you'd like me to tell the people?" And God said unto me, "Just tell 'em I said, 'Hi.'"
- Dave Foley: So when people say to me let sleeping dogs lie, I say to them, friend, sleeping dogs...they eventually wake up...and chew out the throat of democracy!
The Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy (1996)Edit
- German Patient: The nipples of Mother Hope have run dry.
- Cisco (Bruce McCullough): Soak it up you ugly sponge.
- Raymond Hurdicure (Dave Foley): Sorry we're late Ma, but you know how the kids hate old people.
- Grivo: I wanna talk about drugs.
Grivo: No. Not heroin.
Grivo: No. Not speed.
Grivo: No, not even hashish.
Audience: (beat) Horse tranquilizers?
Grivo: No. Not horse tranquilizers. I just heard about a drug that makes you happy. I just want to say... (looks at the crowd) ...fuck happy!
- Scientist: It was only a couple of Flipper babies!
- Cab driver: When I was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song. It went like this: Life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over.
- Wally: Tell me, doc... why do those... types, think I'm one of them?
Therapist: Because... you are one of them. You are gay. You-you-you are gay, you are a homosexual. The opposite of straight, you're gay. I know it, your family knows it. Dogs know it! Everybody knows it but you!
- Don: You know, those words hurt. But you must realize they come from a man who's gone mad with depression. Unfortunately, it seems to happen to some of our greatest geniuses. People like Oppenheimer, Schweitzer, Boxcar Willie...
- Raymond Hurdicure (Dave Foley): So I hear Dad's dead, hey is that eggnog?
- Chris: Cat on my head!
- Drill sergeant: YOU... ARE... SCUM! Do you hear me soldier?
Wally: Yes, sir!
Drill sergeant: Do you know what we are going to be doing today?
Wally: No, sir!
Drill sergeant: We are going to be doing push-ups all day, you and me, all day! [Wally smiles] Do you think that's funny, soldier?
Wally: No, sir!
Drill sergeant: Well, just for that, you are going to be doing those push-ups with me lying on your back! You are going to discover muscles, you never knew you had! BIG... muscles, HARD... muscles!
Wally: Oh, yesss, sir!