The Kids in the Hall

The Kids in the Hall is a Canadian sketch comedy group, consisting of comedians Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald, Bruce McCulloch, Mark McKinney and Scott Thompson that formed in 1984. The troupe starred in a television show produced by Saturday Night Live creator Lorne Michaels that ran on Canadian and American television from 1989-1994, produced and starred in the film Brain Candy in 1996, and reunited for tours in 2000, 2002 and 2008. In 2010, the troupe produced an eight-part miniseries, Death Comes To Town, airing first in Canada and then in the United States.

The Kids in the Hall

The Head Crusher

Mr. Tyzik: I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head!

Season 1

Episode 1

Cause of Cancer

Bruce McCullough: I'm sorry I caused all that throat cancer and all that bowel cancer. I was just on a roll.

Dave Foley: And?

Bruce McCullough: And I won't do it again.

Episode 11

The Gun Fighter

• Dave Foley: I once shot a man just to watch him die, then I got distracted and missed it. Oh my friends tried to describe it to me, but it just isn't the same.

Episode 20

The Real Buddy Holly

• Buddy Holly (Kevin McDonald): I’m fuckin’ Buddy Holly! That’s who I am!

Dr. Seuss Bible

• Jesus (Scott Thompson): Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do, for they walk through this life in toe-crampity shoes. (http://www.kithfan.org/work/transcripts/one/drseuss.html)

Season 2

Episode 2

The Pit of Ultimate Darkness

• Sir Simon Milligan (Kevin McDonald): Now, for those of you with a brave heart and for those of you who have stayed, look into my face and know, to look into my face is to look into the face..of EVIL!

Episode 3

Darill's Blind Date

• Darill: (to date) You look alarmed! Is it because you find something alarming?

Episode 9

Daddy Drank

• "Daddy" (Dave Foley): All right now, son, I want you to get a good night's rest. And remember, I could murder you while you sleep. It's easy, son, all you have to do is be quiet and willing to do it. And son, I am willing to do it. And, I've got quiet shoes. Good night, son. Sleep well.

Season 4

Episode 12

Tuck It In

• Bruce McCulloch: Now I'm more confused than a horny bisexual at an orgy!

Losing My Religion

• Dave Foley: Well, fine, if you want to quit, you can, but I can't! You see, I didn't ask to be a prophet. Nope, you see one day I just heard a voice say, "Hey, Ted! Ted! No, over here, Ted!" And I turned and I saw the very bright lights. And I said, "Hi," and God said. "Hi," and I said, "So you're God huh?" and God said, "Yup, how you doin', Ted?" and I said, "Okay, how 'bout you lord?" "Pretty good what's new Ted?" I said, "Oh, nothing much, what's new with you?" And he said, "Well, you know, same old, same old. Well I guess I'd better be running along, you must be busy." And I said, "No, God, I'm not doing anything." And God said, "Well, I better be running anyway." and I said, "Wait, God, is there anything you'd like me to tell the people?" And God said unto me, "Just tell 'em I said, 'Hi.'"

Season 5

Episode 11

Communist Threat

• Dave Foley: So when people say to me let sleeping dogs lie, I say to them, friend, sleeping dogs...they eventually wake up...and chew out the throat of democracy!

The Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy (1996)

• German Patient: The nipples of Mother Hope have run dry.
• Cisco (Bruce McCullough): Soak it up you ugly sponge.
• Raymond Hurdicure (Dave Foley): Sorry we're late Ma, but you know how the kids hate old people.
• Grivo: I wanna talk about drugs.
  Audience: Heroin?
  Grivo: No. Not heroin.
  Audience: Speed?
  Grivo: No. Not speed.
  Audience: Hashish?
  Grivo: No, not even hashish.
  Audience: (beat) Horse tranquilizers?
  Grivo: No. Not horse tranquilizers. I just heard about a drug that makes you happy. I just want to say... (looks at the crowd) ...fuck happy!
• Scientist: It was only a couple of Flipper babies!
• Cab driver: When I was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song. It went like this: Life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over.
• Wally: Tell me, doc... why do those... types, think I'm one of them?
  Therapist: Because... you are one of them. You are gay. You-you-you are gay, you are a homosexual. The opposite of straight, you're gay. I know it, your family knows it. Dogs know it! Everybody knows it but you!
• Don: You know, those words hurt. But you must realize they come from a man who's gone mad with depression. Unfortunately, it seems to happen to some of our greatest geniuses. People like Oppenheimer, Schweitzer, Boxcar Willie...
• Raymond Hurdicure (Dave Foley): So I hear Dad's dead, hey is that eggnog?
• Chris: Cat on my head!
• Drill sergeant: YOU... ARE... SCUM! Do you hear me soldier?
  Wally: Yes, sir!
  Drill sergeant: Do you know what we are going to be doing today?
  Wally: No, sir!
  Drill sergeant: We are going to be doing push-ups all day, you and me, all day! [Wally smiles] Do you think that's funny, soldier?
  Wally: No, sir!
  Drill sergeant: Well, just for that, you are going to be doing those push-ups with me lying on your back! You are going to discover muscles, you never knew you had! BIG... muscles, HARD... muscles!
  Wally: Oh, yesss, sir!

External links

• The Kids in the Hall quotes at the Internet Movie Database

• Kithfan.org A Whole Lotta Kids in the Hall