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The Inbetweeners

television series

The Inbetweeners is an award-winning comedy series airing on the British TV channel E4. It is based on the lives of four teenage boys in their last years of school.

Series 1

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The First Day [1.1]

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Boy: You're gonna die here, Will.
Will: ...OK.
Boy: That briefcase makes me wanna punch you.
Will: 'Course it does.
Boy: Briefcase wanker!!!!
Mr Gilbert: As you can tell from his rather natty badge, this is your new classmate Will. As you'll be sharing most of the same classes - Cooper, you'll be looking after him.
Simon Cooper: Sir, that's not fair!
Mr Gilbert: Rule one of the Sixth Form: Life is not fair.
Simon: But Sir, look at his blazer for starters! He's got an actual briefcase! His shoes are clumpy, his hair's a bit gay and that badge! I mean, the badge alone.
Will: I went for what turned out to be one of the more eventful shits of my life.
Simon: (referring to Carli) I've lusted after her since she was eight.
Neil: You fancy eight year olds?
Simon: No, Neil. Our families are friends. We were both eight.
Neil: So? You still fancied an eight year old.
Will: Anyone can be your friend. All you have to do is hang round them long enough.
Bartender: You got proof of age?
Will: You have my word.
Simon: (sarcastically to Jay) Yeah, that's it. I've had 210 wanks and my cock's like a pepperami.

(Will's mum drives up to the school gates)

Will: Oh, no...
Simon: (surprised) Is that your mum?
Will: I told her not to come and pick me up.
Neil: She's fit.
Jay: I'd fuck her!
Will: (hesitates) Well, thanks very much.
Jay: Well wouldn't you?
Will: Well, considering she's my mother...no?!
Jay: Yeah, but what if she wasn't?
Will: Well she is, so still no.
Simon: Yeah, but what he's saying is, if she wasn't your mum...would you fuck her?
Will: (sarcastically) Oh, are we still doing this?
Jay: Look, all I wanna know is whether you'd get down between her knees, spread them, and...
Will: (cutting him off angrily) Can we please stop talking about my mother's VAGINA?!
Jay: Get the beers in and let the gash form an orderly queue.
Will: (to Simon) Sorry, did he actually just say "the gash?"

Bunk Off [1.2]

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Will: (entering a wine shop, dressed in Mr Cooper's suit) Good day!
Shopkeeper: (looking up)...Sorry?
Will: (nervous)...Good day!
Shopkeeper: Oh...hello.
Shopkeeper: (to Will) Can I help?
Will: (with several bags of crisps, to Shopkeeper) Er, yes. I am...a man. Who has recently bought a house in the local area, and I'm having a house-warming party...to which I'll be inviting a lot of the local adults... (counting the Pringles cans in his hands absent-mindedly) ...to...Hence the crisps.

(he dumps them onto the counter)

Will: And I'll also probably need some... (swallows nervously) ...al-co-hol, as well as the crisps, et cetera.
Shopkeeper: Right. What sort of thing are you looking for?
Will: Some... (eyes a bottle of gin on the shelf) ...Beefeater Gin?
Shopkeeper: OK. How about two bottles?
Will: (posh) Excellent.
Shopkeeper: Want some wine?
Will: Christ no, I'm not made of money! And I'll have some...Extra-Strong Mints.

(the shopkeeper looks at him wearily)

Will: For those who are drink-driving.
Shopkeeper: Right...comes to £29.50. Anything else?
Will: What's on Special?
Shopkeeper: (suddenly fierce) I'll give you a bottle of Drambuie for a tenner if you pay and are out the shop in 5 seconds.
Will:...Done. Thank you, my good man...I shall invite you to the party.
Will: (coming out of the newsagents, laden with bags) Mission accomplished!
Jay: What's in all the bags then?
Will: Just something to soak up the alcohol.

(Jay takes a bag and opens it)

Jay: Crisps?!
Neil: Where's the beer?!
Simon: Have you spent all our money on fancy fucking crisps?!
Neil: You twat!
Jay: (taking out the bottle of Drambuie) What the fuck's this?!
Will: Drambuie.
Neil: What's Drambuie?
Will: It's a sort of whisky-based liqueur.
Neil: What's a liqueur?
Jay: It's what benders drink(!)
Neil: Well why have we got that then?!
Simon: (teasing) Because we're going back to yours and it's your dad's favourite drink.
Neil: Oi, my dad's not bent.
Simon: He is a bit, though.
Neil: He's fucking not!
Jay: Right, let's look at the evidence. 1.) Your mum left him because he loves cock!
Neil: (to Will) That's not true. Look, she was in a difficult place.
Will: (teasing) In bed with a bender.
Simon: (teasing) Your dad, who is a bender.
Jay: 2.) He wears tight denim shorts to do the gardening!
Simon: And the only night he goes out all week is Wednesday, and that's to play badminton!
Neil: (annoyed) Right! Well...my Dad's not bent, because he's got hundreds of porn mags at home, and it's all straight!
Simon: All straight?
Neil: Some lesbian.
Simon: Right, well we should go and have a look at it in that case.
Neil: Well fine, come on then.

(they walk off to Neil's house)

Will: (whispering to Jay) This should be good. I bet it's 90% cock.
Jay: (singing to Simon, to the tune of London Bridge Is Falling Down) Carli's fanny on your face, on your face, on your face! Carli's fanny on your face, and your bell-end!

(Will lashes out at Mr. Sutherland in a drunken state)

Will: Oh piss off!
Mr Sutherland: What? Don't talk to me like that in my own house!
Will: Oh sorry, my manners... Piss off, PLEASE!!!
Mr Sutherland: I've had enough of your lip!
Will: Oh you'd like my lip wouldn't you? Right round your bell end! If Mr Chippy doesn't get there first! What's he gonna knock up? A closet for you to hide in? You bumder!

(Everyone looks at Will in shock)

Mr Cooper: Well, you've had quite a day off. You've lied to your mothers, bought alcohol illegally, abused Neil's dad, stole my suit, defaced the pavement outside Carly's! Am I missing anything?

(pause)

Will: We also hit a spastic (simmo) with a Frisbeee.

Thorpe Park [1.3]

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Will: This is perfect. Simon passes his test, drives us to Thorpe Park, Neil gets us freebies, and I get to ride -
Jay: A man's cock in the bushes?
Will:...The Nemesis Inferno!
Jay: (to Neil) I suppose your dad needs the money.
Neil: He doesn't, actually.
Simon: Rent boys don't come cheap.
Neil: Oi, my dad's not bent.
Jay: Then why is he paying for rent boys?
Neil: He's not.
Simon: What, they're freebies?
Jay: I've just seen the clunge head towards Nemesis.
Will: Well sounds like they are thrill seekers too.
Jay: I hope they are cock seekers too!
Jay: (to Simon, about a group of girls in a car up ahead) Si, we're losing them!
Will: You make it sound as if we're about to attack them.

(Will, Neil, Jay and Simon have been queueing for the front seats on Nemesis Inferno, but only one front seat is left)

Ride Attendant: Room for one more at the front.
Will: Sorry?
Ride Attendant: One more. At the front.
Will: How can there possibly be room for only one more at the front?
Ride Attendant: Well there's three people on the front, so there's a spare seat there-
Will: Let's just rewind a bit, shall we? Why are there now three people at the front?
Ride Attendant: Sir, if you could just get on-
Will: (getting more and more angry) They've pushed in! We've been queueing for over an hour specifically for the front, and they've pushed in?
Ride Attendant: Sir-
Will: Get them off! Get them off and make them move! Fucking pushing in!
Simon: (Aware of the scene now being created) Will, it doesn't matter. We'll sit at the back.
Ride Attendant: Sir, if you could just-
Will: Are they so dumb they think it's OK to push in? Make them move!
Jay: Shut up, you plum, and get on the ride.
Ride Attendant: Sir, it's the last ride of the day, please get on.
Simon: Will, honestly, it doesn't matter, just get on.
Will: Fine, fucking fine! I'll just...I'll just get on. I'll just get on, and sit at the front (he sits at the front and straps himself in) next to these inconsiderate arseholes.

(He looks across to give the "inconsiderate arseholes" a dirty look, but his face falls as he realises that the other three people are two young men with Down syndrome and their minder)

Will: I'm the worst human being in the world.

(Will has been unable to enjoy the Nemesis Inferno due to his guilt at insulting the two young men with Down Syndrome)

Will: (voiceover) When I look back on my life, I'm pretty sure that ride will be a low point. But with a bit of luck, the others wouldn't find out who I'd insulted...

(The three people at the front get off and walk past Simon, Jay and Neil)

Simon: They were on the front? Oh no, Will, no..."
Jay: (laughing) Oh my god.
Simon: Oh Will.
Jay: Oh my God.
Will: Don't...
Simon: (trying not to laugh) "Arseholes"...
Jay: (killing himself laughing) This is the best.
Neil: You're going to Hell.
Will: Please don't...

Girlfriend [1.4]

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Jay: What? I'm telling you, all the birds I've shagged love that!
Simon: So, no birds love that, then.
Jay: Well, your mum loved it.
Simon: Brilliant.
Simon: It doesn't matter 'cause she's not coming.
Jay: Who's not coming?
Simon: Charlotte Hinchcliffe.
Jay: I'd make her come. All over my face!
Charlotte: (to Jay, with Will) OK then, 'funny boy'. Make me laugh...without undressing.
Jay: (repeatedly imitating Crazy Frog, as Charlotte and Will watch in appalled silence) Nim, nee nim nim nim nim! Boh, bom bom bah bah bah!!!

(he stops, as Charlotte and Will watch silently)

Jay:...it's Crazy Frog...
Jay: Fucking hell, he's leaving.
Simon: No screams and he's not covered in blood. Will must have got away with it.
Neil: Or Donovan killed them both silently.

(Charlotte's Friend is going over and sitting down on the chair)

Simon: She is so beautiful and she keeps looking at me.
Jay: She's only looking to see if you've stopped staring at her.
Simon: She's still looking.
Jay: Because you're freaking her out.
Simon: I think we've got a connection. Her eyes! Why don't we go over?
Neil: No, I don't need to pull. I've got a sure thing lined up.
Jay: A midweek wank?
Neil: No. I've centered that charity blind date thing at school.
Jay: That's tragic.
Neil: Well, that's where you're wrong. Because I get the choice of three girls to take out on a date. So I don't need to spend my Saturday evening scaring girls like Simon does.
Simon: What if she's feeling the same and neither of us does anything about it?
Jay: She's fit and she's the year above. She'll never go for you.
Simon: Look, Will... Will, yeah, has pulled Charlotte Hinchcliffe. Anything could happen tonight. I'm going over.

(Simon goes over to Charlotte's Friend)

Charlotte's Friend: Go away.

(But Simon turns around and returns back to Neil and Jay)

Will: (voiceover) With Simon's humiliation, the party was over, and some of us had done better than others.

(Jay, Simon and Neil are sitting on a low wall. Neil flicks Simon in the ear.)

Simon: Can you not?

(Football Friend pulls up in his car.)

Football Friend: Alright Jay!
Jay: Alright. Nice car!
Football Friend: Do you like it? I just got new rims for it.
Jay: Yeah, it's well nice!
Simon: (To Neil, so Jay can hear) Ooh friend.
Neil: Ooh, car friend!
Simon: Ooh, car friend, shall we play football?
Football Friend: I've just got to pop home now, but, you can have a drive later if you like.
Jay: Yeah, maybe.
Simon: (High-pitched) Cheers friend.
Neil: (High-pitched) Car friend.
Simon: (High-pitched) Football!
Football Friend: See you later, then. (He turns left and drives off back home. Jay turns round after a moment, looking angrily at Simon and Neil.)
Jay: He's not my fucking friend!
Simon: (Looking apologetically at Jay) Alright. Friend! (Neil bursts into laughter. Jay storms off, quickly followed by Simon and Neil, who're still chanting "Friend!")

(Jay, Neil and Simon are walking down a road. Jay is obviously angry with Neil and Simon still annoying him about Football Friend.)

Neil: (High-pitched) Friend.
Simon: (High-pitched) Friend.
Neil: (High-pitched) Friend!
Simon: (High-pitched) Made-up football friend!
Jay: (Angrily) Just give it a fucking rest, will ya?!

(The lads stop in their tracks. They've come across the red car which belongs to Football Friend, parked near what we presume is his house.)

Simon: (Normal voice) Hello, isn't that Friend's car?
Neil: (High-pitched, pointing at the car) Ooh, new rims car friend! (He puts his thumbs up too.)
Jay: I'll show you how much of a friend he is. (He moves to the front of the car.) Fucking friend. (He climbs up onto the car bonnet.) (In a slightly maniacal voice) Ooh friend! (He jumps; the car alarm goes off.) Friend! Friend! Fucking football friend! (Jumping all the while)
Simon: I never thought he'd get that wound up. (We see that Football Friend is emerging from a house on the opposite side of the road, and he is running over, gobsmacked about what's happening.)
Football Friend: Jay, what you doin'?
Jay: (Turns to face him, still with maniacal voice, still jumping) Ooh friend! Friend! (Normal voice) I'm not your fucking friend! Alright?! Alright?!
Will: Simon was right, he did still have his old friends... (Simon turns to see Neil and Jay imitating having sex with books) ...and he was welcome to them
Neil: (imitating having sex with books) Books get me girls! Books get me girls!
Jay: (also imitating having sex with books) Oh, books! Oh, books!
Neil: Blind date books!
Jay: Fuck the book with us, Simon!

Caravan Club [1.5]

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Jay: It's a sense of freedom you don't get with other holidays.
Will: It's a sense of shitting in a bucket in a cupboard you don't get with other holidays... in England... with your parents!
Jay: (about Becky) That one has fucked EVERYONE. I've slung one up her a few times, myself.
Will: And who is everyone, exactly? That old man over there, has he had a go on her?
Jay: Take a look around, there's loads of girls here! Over there! (points to a girl on a seesaw)
Simon: She looks about 12, Jay.
Jay: Nah, she's older than that...believe me.
Simon: What should I text back?
Jay: "Spread 'em. I'll be there in thirty minutes."
Will: Or, "it was lovely to hear from you, I look forward to meeting up with you."
Jay: "P.S. I'm a poofter."
Simon: Its YOUR spunk!!
Neil: But it's YOUR car!
Simon: What...so if I spunked in your face it would be yours?

(The boys are complaining about the wet seats in Simon's car)

Simon: Neil, did you wet yourself in my new car?
Neil: It's not really new.
Simon: (enquiringly) Did you wet yourself?
Neil: No, but I did have a bird back in here.
Simon: (alarmed) You fucked a girl in my car?
Neil: No, it's too small. Did a lot of fingering though. She wanked me off a few times.

(All the boys groan in disgust)

Xmas Party [1.6]

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Will: People don't get fingered for a bet, Jay, with the possible exception of your sister.
Jay: Take that back.
Will: Actually, I do take that back. As for your mum, she'd probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits.
Will: (to Big John) John, stop eating the burgers!
Mr Sethi: (quite a few times in the first scene) Too jazzy?

(Jay loses it with Big John)

Jay: Listen, lard-arse, there will be food, so shut the fuck up so we can get this over with!
Will: (voiceover) It was a moment of truth. Prom night had arrived, and as I watched my crack team setting things up, it's fair to say I was shitting myself.
Neil: Any jobs for me?
Will: Wash your hands afterwards!
Will: (voiceover) Despite being organised by my team of geeks, it actually looked like people were enjoying the party.
Will: (voiceover) As Neil was about to discover, the problem with drinking for Dutch courage is the next level of drunk up from that is Dutch dickhead.
Will: This isn't on the approved playlist! No one likes this one, Jay. Well, that's it, it's a disaster.
John: You didn't say please. What about opening up and trusting?
Jay: Oh, fuck off you fat wanker.

(Jay wants Big John to serve him some food.)

Jay: Oi, give us a burger.
John: You could say please.
Jay: Just give me one! I gotta be back up there in three minutes.
John: Not until you say please. Manners cost nothing.
Jay: Oh, for fuck's sake. Can I have a burger, please?
John: Of course you can.

(Jay and John are conversing and midway into the conversation, Jay opens up to Big John.)

John: My counsellor used to say that frustration often comes from wanting to be noticed.
Jay: Yeah. Yeah. That's it. That's probably why I exaggerate a bit.
John: To feel special?
Jay: Yeah. It's like sometimes I feel like the kids here don't pay attention to me. Like I'm so dumb that I don't matter. I guess making a few things up at least makes them notice.

Series 2

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The Field Trip [2.1]

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Simon: He was caught with his trousers down wanking over the school orchestra.
Will: When?!
Simon: Before we get started.
Will: Convenient.
Donovan: Move.
Will: No, we got here first! Why should we?
Donovan: Want me to giv u a reason?
Will: ...well I'm not leaving without one.
Donovan: Don't ya understand?
Will: I don't think you understand that we got here early to secure these seats! And...(gets throttled)
Jay: (goes to speak to Mr Gilbert, who he's been forced to sit next to)
Mr Gilbert: Don't even THINK about trying to talk to me!
Jay: I have to see a man about a dog. (winks at Neil) and then a woman about a pussy.

(Jay and Neil grin)

Lauren: (annoyed) I know what that means, you know.
Will: (as Yoda) PARTY HMMM, COOL THAT SOUNDS!
Jay: You know you are never gonna get laid.
Old lady: What can I get you?
Jay: Cornetto please
Old lady: One Cornetto, is that all?
Jay: Do you want to lick it?
Old lady: Sorry?
Jay: My Cornetto, do you want to lick it?
Old lady: Oh that is kind, I've had enough Ice Cream today though sweetheart
Jay: Oh right, bit late am I?
Old lady: Do you want something else?
Jay: Are you the woman who sucks school boys off?
Old lady: Sorry?
Jay: Can you suck me off?
Neil: Oh go on I love boats, I used to go fishing with my dad.
Jay: Fisting?
Neil: FISHING!
Will McKenzie: (a fish has jumped into the boat) Jesus Christ! How the hell has that happened?
Neil Sutherland: I dunno, it didn't have any bait on it.
Jay Cartwright: Get it out!
Neil Sutherland: It's just a fish.
Will McKenzie: It's a fucking terrifying massive fish! Get rid of it Neil!
Will McKenzie: (after Jay has let off the emergency flare) Why the fuck did you do that?
Jay Cartwright: To get the sea police out!
Will McKenzie: And say what?! "Help, we've caught a fish?"? We're already in the harbour, What are they gonna do - tow us four feet closer to the shore?
Neil Sutherland: Better kill it, It's the kindest thing to do; it won't survive back in the sea now

(punches the fish repeatedly, to a bloody pulp)

Will McKenzie: Well, that was a much more dignified end for it(!)
Will McKenzie: Fuck off you beady eyed little shits!

Work Experience [2.2]

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Jay: (reading card) "Jay, you massive stud, please please spaff on my tits, from your Valentine's bitch. P.S and on my face"
Will: It's just funny all these cards seem to be written in the same scrawny handwriting? Your secret admirers are either all very young, or have severe learning difficulties, which I admit is a possibility.
Jay: Nah, look...the handwriting's just bad cos they were strumming one out as they wrote them!
Will: It's not that I'm better than this, it's just that I'm much cleverer than you need to be to work in a place like this.
Jim: Place like this?
Will: Manual. Dirty. Not stupid exactly, but not academic by a long chalk.
Jim: Steve 'ere's got a BTEC.
Will: Exactly!
Journalist: What are you hoping to get out of this assignment?
Neil: Don't worry. I won't steal nothing.

(Mr Gilbert chuckles upon discovering Will has been thrown into water)

Will's Mum: I was hoping you'd be able to do something about it, Mr Gilbert.
Mr Gilbert: I'm sorry.
Neil's Dad: I just wonder what he said to them.
Will's Mum: I don't think he said anything, Kevin.
Mr Gilbert: Oh come on, we both know Will. He must have said something.
Will's Mum: He had to walk back through the town centre sopping wet and barely clothed, Mr Gilbert.

(Mr Gilbert stifles a giggle)

Will's Mum: I had hoped you'd take this more seriously. He wrote to the paper especially to get work experience, and instead I'm picking frogspawn out of his underpants.
Mr Gilbert: Would you excuse me, just for a second?

(Mr Gilbert gets up and steps into the corridor outside)

Mr Gilbert: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OH! GOD!

(Mr Gilbert returns to the room)

Mr Gilbert: Look, I don't want it to seem as if I'm passing the buck, but it really is up to their employers. I will ask if they'll consider swapping students, but I can't promise anything. Now if you'll excuse me, I do have a meeting to attend to.

(Mr Gilbert leaves the room and brushes his hands together in the corridor outside before walking off)

Neil's Dad: Ohh... what a pickle. I'm not sure I should send Neil to the garage. Those men sound like brutes.
Will's Mum: I think it was just high jinks.
Neil's Dad: What? Three dirty men throwing a young, naked boy into water?
Will's Mum: I never said Will was naked.
Neil's Dad: Oh...I thought you did...
Will: (voiceover) Hmm, not quite the outcome I'd hoped for. Neil's dad imagining me naked.
Jim: Fack off, you're a virgin, mate.
Wolfie: Classic virgin.
Will: If you must know, I'd spunk on the big ones! And I have had better than that, actually! And she's got massive titties, and I fucked her hard and all night long!
Jim: Oh, right, so what are you and this little 'ornbacket up to this weekend then?
Will: Going to an under-18s disco where she works, so unfortunately you can't come.
Wolfie: I can go.
Will: What?
Wolfie: I can go, I'm 17.
Will: You're 17?!
Wolfie: Yeah, I just look older.
Will: There's looking older and then there's that! You look about 30!
Jim: So it's settled then, Wolfie will come down and check out this bird.
Will: Fine.
Jim: Maybe Wolfie'll pull her.
Will: Except he won't, because she loves me!
Jay: (On underage girls) If there's grass on the pitch play ball .
Will: Well, what if there isn't any?
Jay: By the time you find out, it's too late anyway.
Jay: Looks like there's some tidy minge here.
Will: Yes, it's tidy because it hasn't got any hair on it!
Simon: (To Will) Maybe Charlotte needs someone to help service her car!
Jay: Oh, I'd service her alright! I'd slide my dipstick in right deep!
Hannah: I'm so horny, tongue me!
Jay: Christ, Simon's only gone and pulled himself an experienced cock handler!
Will: Or, someone so inexperienced she thinks this is the best way to pull a boy.
Jay: Well, either way, thanks to me we're now watching Simon get wanked off!
Will: Yes, well we really do have a lot to thank you for.
Simon: He kicked me in the cock!
Jay: Good shot to get you in the cock!
Charlotte: (to Will) You're a nasty little virgin. (throws drink in his face)

Will's Birthday [2.3]

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Jay: She'd definitely get it. Right up the bum hole.
Will: Lucky girl.
Simon: (about the French exchange student) He seems a bit weird. He asked me if I've tried the "Sleeping Beauty?"
Neil: Oh, it's good, that.
Simon: What, you know it?
Neil: Yeah, you sit on your arm 'til your hand goes dead. Ten, fifteen minutes is normally enough. And then when you wank, it feels like someone else is doing it.
Will: How do you know these things?
Jay: Oh, everyone knows the Sleeping Beauty; that's old.
Will: Is it?
Jay: Yeah, my mate's brother invented it. He and his mates used to be called The Dead Hand Gang.
Will: They had a gang based on masturbation? Oh there's nothing gay about that.
Jay: Yeah, well he's in the Air Force now, so how gay's that?
Will: Still quite gay!
Will: I can't believe you've hired a stripper!
Jay: Yeah, she was only £150!
Will: How have you paid for that?!
Neil: We haven't yet, we'll just have a whip round when she gets here.
Will: A whip round?! We don't have £30 each!
Jay: Nah, it's...oh...
Will: Great, so until an angry lap dancer turns up we are without female company.
Neil: What's for pudding, Will?
Will: (noticing stripper at door) A middle-aged woman demanding £150.
Simon: (about finding dates for Will's birthday party) Maybe I'll see what Carli's up to.
Jay: Not being seen dead with you in a million years, is what she's up to.
Simon: Oh, I'm sorry, Russell Brand, who are you bringing again?
Jay: Don't worry about me, mate, I'm up to my neck in sluts at the moment. Maybe I'll bring my new fuck-buddy along, that little blonde barmaid from the Fox and Hounds.
Neil: You pulled a barmaid? Nice!
Will: Has she got any special dietary requirements? It's just I've never cooked for an imaginary woman before.
Jay: Well, I know she's not allergic to nuts - my nuts...
Simon: - brilliant...
Jay: - or my cock.
Will: She only eats small portions then?
Jay: Well I didn't hear your mum complaining... although her mouth was full at the time.
Will: Yep. Good one.
Will: (voiceover) So while I made my final dinner party preparations, including putting on shit music girls would like, Patrice had been busy, too
Patrice: Uh, I just had a really nice ...'tug?' ... thinking about your mother.

(Will looks up, stunned)

Patrice: And I think some went on the floor, sorry.
Will: Right. Thanks, Patrice.

(at Will's dinner party)

Will: Look, I put a lot of effort into this! I made a really nice coq au vin...
Jay: Cock of what?!
Simon: You don't help yourself, do you?
Will: Oh yes, I see, 'coq' au vin, very mature! It actually mean chicken in wine, doesn't it, Patrice?
Patrice: Quoi?
Will: Well, it does, and it doesn't mean cock up my arse, or cock on my head, or...
Simon: ...you got some cock in the back of a van...
Will: Or that I got some cock in the back of a van! Look, all I wanted was a nice, civilised and sophisticated dinner party. Just something a little different from the usual parties - maybe even the sort of party that girls are impressed by! OK, so there aren't any girls here, but why don't we at least attempt to have a sophisticated conversation? I know it's a tall order, and I'm not expecting sparkling, but let's give it a go, eh, since it is my FUCKING BIRTHDAY!

(everyone sits in chastened silence for a while. Then...)

Neil: How much Lego can you stuff up your bum?
Will: Oh, for Christ's sake!
Neil: No not now, like when you were younger how much did you get up there?
Jay: You are grim mate.
Simon: Why were sticking Lego up your bum?
Will: Oh God, what if my birthdays just get worse and worse from now on? What'll happen next year?
Jay: You get AIDS?
Will: I'd have to have sex for that to happen.
Neil: Or fuck a monkey?
Will: Technically, that still counts as sex.
Simon: Or drink from the same cup as Neil's dad.
Neil: Oi, my dad does not have AIDS!
Jay: Oh mate, your dad is so AIDS, he's the one who gave it to the monkeys!
Neil: You take that back!
Jay: That's what the monkeys said to him.

Night Out In London [2.4]

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Jay: Slow down a minute, Si.

(Simon brings the speed of the yellow Fiat Cinquecento Hawaii he's driving to roughly 20mph. Jay takes off his seatbelt, rolls down the window and leans out.)

Jay: (Leaning out the window) BUS WANKERS! (The boys all laugh as Jay gets back in and puts his seatbelt back on.)
Simon: Where did that come from? Bus wankers!
Jay: I dunno, it just felt right.
Will: Those people just saw us passing by and thought, 'We must be the bus wankers!'
Neil: (Leaning over Will to get to Simon) Pull over, Si! I need a piss.
Angry Man From Bus Stop: I'd rather be a bus wanker than drive that piece of yellow shit!
Jay: (Neil is in the toilet nursing his penis after cutting it earlier) What's taking so fucking long?
Neil: Oh, mate, it's not good, Get us some bog roll it's bleeding Look!

(displays his bleeding penis to Jay)

Jay: Ah, Jesus! Put it away, Neil!
Neil: I can't. It stings when it rubs on my pants!
Jay: Well... take your pants off then!
Neil: Then it'll rub on my jeans.
Jay: Neil, no matter what your old man says, you can't walk around London with your knob hanging out.
Neil: (being chucked out of the club for wanking in the toilets, but in reality nursing his cut penis) No wait no! I wasn't wanking!
Simon: Oh god!
Neil: Ma cock's cut... me cock is cut!

Duke of Edinburgh [2.5]

edit
Neil: Just who is this Duke of Edinburgh, does he teach it?
Jay: No, of course he doesn't teach it you fucking idiot, the Duke of Edinburgh is Prince Charles.
Will: Umm, no he isn't, it's his dad.
Neil: King Phillip?
Will: No, I mean, that IS the Duke of Edinburgh you're thinking of, but he's not the King.
Neil: But he fucks the Queen though.
Jay: Probably up the arse.
Will: LOOK, do you wanna sign up or not?
Jay: You've gotta be fucking joking, there's no way I'm gonna get bummed by some royal bloke on a mountain!
Neil: Yeah fuck it, I'm in.
Jay: "Ooh, hello I'm Will, pop your teeth out, Doris, and have a little nosh on this!"
Will: Brilliant.
Jay: You're desperate for a gum job!
Will: Brilliant.
Jay: Cos you're a paedo.
Will: Well, if I did fancy old people, which I don't, that would make me the opposite of a paedophile.
Simon: He is right.
Jay: Well then he's an OAPaedo!
Jay: (Noticing Will asleep in the common room) Here he is, sleeping ugly.
Neil: He's asleep, I reckon.
Jay: That's cos he was up all night shagging.
Neil: Yeah.
Jay: I bet he goes into their room at night, kisses them on the forehead and then slides right into their powdery, old fanny.
Will: (to Simon) I need you to do something
Simon: OK, what is it?
Will: Have a look at my cock.
Simon: (nervously) Ummm...
Will: Not in a gay way. It's just that something's gone wrong.
Simon: I think looking at your cock in any way is a bit gay.
Will: Please, I'm serious. All my pubes have fallen out.
Simon: What?
Will: I was asleep at school, and...I must have had a wet dream because when I woke up it was all sticky, and...
Simon: You spunked in the common room?
Will: Yes, but listen...I went home to clean up, and all my pubes came off in the shower.
Simon: You spunked yourself, in the common room, during the day...when there were people around?
Will: (matter of factly) Yes.
Simon: And then your pubes fell out?
Will: (exasperated) Yes!
Simon: I think this is way out of my league.
Will: Look, you've got to help me. I've got that date with Daisy tonight, and if she touches or at least sees the bald old fella, what's she going to think?
Simon: That you're a porn star?
Will: Simon, look at me: I don't think she's going to think I'm a porn star!
Simon: Maybe you could draw some pubes on with a marker pen.
Will: (sarcastic) Oh yes, then maybe I'll draw a six-pack on my stomach! Or a longer cock!
Simon: Or maybe stuff a wig down there.
Will: (exasperatedly sarcastic) Oh...good idea! A cock wig!
Will: I don't have any pubes! I did have pubes, but I had a wet dream and they fell out!
Jay: At least I don't have to wipe old arse for the next three months, just to get a Duke of Spastic award!

Exam Time [2.6]

edit
Chloe: Shouldn't you be revising, too?
Jay: Nah, teacher said cos I've got a photographic memory it wouldn't be fair on the other kids.
Jay: Have you had a wank over Will's mum?
Neil: No...not yet.
Will: Please don't have a wank over my mum!
Neil: I can't promise that, I'm afraid.

(Will is having his politics exam, which has been going for quite a while now. Mr. Gilbert is walking between the tables, and we hear Will's tummy rumble. He puts his hand up and Mr. Gilbert comes over to him.)

Mr. Gilbert: (whispering) What is it now, McKenzie?
Will (also whispering) Sir, I need to go to the toilet.
Mr. Gilbert: Again?
Will: Yes.
Mr. Gilbert: Well you can't.
Will: (surprised) Sorry?
Mr. Gilbert: (whispering) That'll be the 4th time in an hour! You'll have to wait.
Will: I'm pretty sure you can't do that, sir.
Mr. Gilbert: If I have reason to believe you're cheating, I can. And I do, so I have. Now get on with your paper. (He walks off in the direction of his desk.)

(The rumbling noises get worse, much deeper.)

Will: Oh God no. (Loudly, very high-pitched, despairingly after Mr. Gilbert) Phil!

(Mr. Gilbert turns round, looking like thunder. Will looks bloated, more rumbling.)

Will: (again) Phil!

(Mr. Gilbert walks over to Will's desk, same expression as before. Will's eyes widen, then his face falls as we hear squelching noise. He's obviously shit himself.)

Will: Oh no. (To Mr. Gilbert) Phil?
Mr. Gilbert: Oh, Jesus. (He walks over to Will. We hear other students groaning after realizing what's happened.)
Will: I thought it was a fart, sir. (Very high-pitched) I thought it was safe!

(Mr. Gilbert pulls Will to his feet, with an expression of disgust on his face, and begins leading Will through the tables to the door. Interspersed with shots of 2 girls shaking their heads at Will before returning to their exams.)

Will: (voiceover, whilst this is happening) In a turn of low points, this was it. Literally, the bottom. And yet as I waddled to the toilet, I felt strangely optimistic. Painful as it may seem, in a way I was free; free to reinvent myself as whatever I wanted. Right after I'd changed my underpants.
Simon: (after seeing Will's brought the trousers and underpants he pooped into the pub from school) I can't believe he's actually brought a bag of shit to the pub with him.
Jay: Your dad brings a bag of shit to the pub with him all the time... your mum.
Will: Simon, look at my schedule...do you see anything in there about me listening to you witter on about your futile crush on Carli D'Amato?
Simon: Don't be a dick, we're mates and I wanted you to be the first...
Will: Goodbye, Simon!

(Simon gets up and leaves)

Simon: (as he leaves) God. Twat.
Jay: Alright, Dad.
Mr Cartwright: Alright there.
Jay: Dad, can I ask you a question?
Mr Cartwright: Woman trouble, is it? That piece you were with the other day?
Jay: Chloe? Yeah.
Mr Cartwright: So she's dumped ya? Good. I thought she was facking pig!
Jay: Nah, it's not that, Dad. I'm just getting jealous cos I think she's seen a few more people than I have.
Mr Cartwright: That's a given, innit?! If she's seen one person she's seen more than you!

(Jay looks sad)

Mr Cartwright: Look, mate. Women are like fairground rides. Fuckin' mental. Your only hope is to make sure when she wants some, you do the best with your tiny equipment...oh, and check where she is the whole time. That's the only way you'll know she's not sucking off this other bloke.
Jay: Right, cheers, Dad.
Mr Cartwright: But let's face it, she probably is.

Series 3

edit

The Fashion Show [3.1]

edit

(the three discover Jay has had one of his ears pierced)

Simon: Hang on a minute, have you had your left ear pierced?
Jay: Yes.
Simon: Isn't that the ear you get pierced to say you're gay?

(Neil laughs)

Jay: Well, there's a quick way to find out, Neil, which ear's your Dad got pierced?
Neil: Neither, cos he's not bent!
Simon: Of course not. Will, which ear's the gay one?
Will: Oh, I'm the last person to ask.
Neil: I thought you knew everything?
Will: Well, I don't know any boys who've had their ears pierced... because I went to a private school.
Will: Riding around in Jay's car made me feel like royalty. Unfortunately, the royalty I felt like was Princess Diana.
Will: I'm still exercising my right to protest (about the fashion show)
Mr Gilbert: Good. Just make sure it's not a dirty protest, like the last one.
Simon's Dad: Is that David Beckham?
Simon: (who had been practicing catwalking in the conservatory) You spying on me?! Is that it?! Is that how you get your kicks?!
Simon's Dad: You look good.
Simon: Fuck off! I'm going out.
Simon's Mom: Your not going out now you've got school tomorrow.
Simon's Dad: Yeah, run away at the weekend when you've got your car back.
Simon: Well, I'm not spending another minute in this house with you UTTER TWATS!!!

(Opens door)

Simon's Dad: Where you going, Paris or Milan?
Simon: FUCK OFF!
Mr Gilbert: I suppose you thought that was funny.
Simon: Sir, no, honest.
Mr Gilbert: Well, there's nothing funny about testicles, Cooper. As you'll discover tomorrow morning in my office.
Will: (Perturbed) Sorry, sir, that sounded a bit wrong.
Mr Gilbert: No it didn't. See you tomorrow.
Mr Gilbert: (leading Mr "Paedo" Kennedy away from Neil) (whispering) I'm putting my fucking neck on the line for you, John!

The Gig And The Girlfriend [3.2]

edit
Will's Mum: Have fun, and if anyone offers you any D-R-U-G-S, be careful.
Will: What?!?
Will's Mum: I overheard you. It's OK, petal. I know boys will be boys, but I can trust *you* to do the responsible thing. I'm very lucky to have you, because you're so boring.
Will: Boring?
Will's Mum: Well...not boring, just scared of things.
Will: Scared??
Will's Mum: Sensible. That's the word I'm looking for, sensible. You're very sensible so I don't have to worry about you as much....because you're so scared.
Jay: I've had a toke with Mark untold times! I used to sort him out with Rizla and ting!
Will: Oh, so you're a newsagent as well as a liar?
Mr Cooper: You lot seem awfully quiet tonight.
Simon: Yeah, well, it's better than listening to non-stop bullshit!
Mr Cooper: What's that on your head, Simon?
Simon: (Sarcastically) Oh, I dunno, Dad! Oh yeah, it's a hat?! God!
Mr Cooper: Looks bloody stupid.
Will: We tried to tell him.
Mr Cooper: You look like a butcher.
Simon: Pete Doherty wears them actually!
Mr Cooper: Pete Doherty's butcher wears them.
Simon: Oh, sorry, I forgot you're a comedian as well as a cab driver!
Mr Cooper: OI! Why are you wearing that anyway?
Neil: He's meeting a bird.
Mr Cooper: KNEW IT! You've got that look in your eye. He gets it when he's watching The X Factor.
Jay: What, when he sees Louis Walsh?
Mr Cooper: No, thankfully Cheryl Cole. If his mom walks in he has to pop a pillow over his lap.
Jay: Sort me out, geeza.
Dealer: What?
Jay: Please...sort me out, geeza? I've got twenty quid.
Dealer: So? What do you want from me?
Jay: You know, gear?! Sweet Mary Jane. Ganja, man.
Dealer: Oh, so you want to buy drugs! And you came to me. Why?
Neil: Well, because we saw you-
Dealer: Because I'm black? You saw a black guy at a gig and thought 'he must be a drug dealer'?
Jay: No, we didn't...
Dealer: You fucking white boys are all the same, you know that? Scratch beneath the surface just a little bit and you're RACIST. Yeah, that's right, I said it - racist.

(silence)

Neil: But...have you got any drugs?
Dealer: Yes, I have, but that's not the point. The point is you *assumed* I had some just because I'm black.
Jay: Could we buy some please?
Dealer: Why should I deal to you? Why should I deal to two little suburban racists who see me as some kind of stereotype? I'm at university!
Neil: But you are a drug dealer as well, yeah?
Dealer: Yes, I do deal, but you keep missing the point!
Jay: Look, here's thirty quid, could we just have some puff?
Dealer: Yes, you can. But only because I'm a dealer. NOT because I'm black.
Will: Can somebody call me an ambulance? Because I'm in trouble. Time is moving really, really slowly, and everything is flat. I need you to call me an ambulance, or failing that, my mummy. I really want my mummy because, and I'm not being dramatic, but I think I might be dead. Is that clear? Mummy or ambulance.

Will's Dilemma [3.3]

edit
Simon: (to Will) You've only kissed three girls. Your type is 'anyone who'll let you'.
Jay: Oi, Neil, hear about Boy? He was messing about up the rec, got his head wedged in a bottle bank. When they found him the next morning, he'd been arse raped eighteen times.
Neil: Oh, mate, that's grim!
Will: I have a few questions.
Jay: Like what?
Will: Well, firstly, what was he doing with his head wedged in a bottle bank?
Jay: Looking for bottles, you mug.
Will: OK. Secondly, the first 18 people to find him happened to be opportunistic homosexual rapists?
Jay: Obviously...oi, Neil, where was ya Dad last night?
Neil: Badminton, why?
Jay: (suspiciously) 'Course he was.
Will: And finally, after what was, at best, a humiliating experience, would he, as the victim, tell anyone - let alone YOU - about it?!
Jay: I used to sit next to him in woodwork.
Jay: Yeah, I got a blowjob when I was eleven off the cleaner.
Will: Who was your cleaner, Gary Glitter?
Neil: Was it good?
Jay: Yeah, amazing. I pissed right in her mouth.
Simon: What? Why would you do that?
Jay: That's how you finish blowjobs!
Will: Christ.
Jay: And she said I was the best she'd ever had!
Simon: Through mouthfuls of piss.
Will: Before she had to get on with the hoovering.
Jay: I dunno what your problem is, I've never been out with a girl I liked anyway.
Will: Except for the last one, who made you cry.

(Jay suddenly looks sad)

Simon: Will!
Neil: Oh, mate, that is well out of order.
Will: (Incredulously) What?! After all he's said to us?!
Simon: Yeah, well some things just aren't okay. (To Jay) You alright, mate?
Jay: (Looking at the floor) Yeah, I'm fine.
Simon: (To Will, sternly) Apologise.
Will:It wouldn't be right
Simon:She's offering to put Your penis in Her mouth,not paying You to lie in Parliament
Tara: What's up, Kezza?
Kerry: (sobbing) He dumped me.
Will: No, I couldn't have, 'cause we were never going out!
Kerry: (sobbing) He used me, and then he dumped me because I'm so big.
Tara: Will, I don't know how you can do this, especially after everything Kerry's been through!
Will: It hasn't been an easy ride for me either! Trying to stay out of her clutches!
Tara: Her dad died last month!

(silence)

Will: Well, that's awful. Obviously. But not-
Tara: What?
Will: Well it's not...it's not relevant, is it?
Will: If you want the truth, Kerry gives out blowjobs like they're going out of fashion and, by all accounts, I'm one of the only ones to have turned her down!
Kerry: (sobbing) I hate you!
Mr Sutherland: Will, I want you to leave.
Kerry: I'll give you a blowjob.
Will: I'm sure you will.
Neil: Have you had that blowjob, yet?
Will: Yes, Neil, I've had one on the escalator and one in Nandos.
Neil: Really?

The Trip To Warwick [3.4]

edit
Jay: Oh mate, you've gotta have a plan. One mate I knew, he didn't have a plan and went in too quick, broke his knob in half!
Tara's Sister: I don't like the idea of you having sex at all, but at least I know you're doing it somewhere comfortable.
Simon: Oh, of course, only in her vagina.

(silence)

Tara's Sister: I meant in my room.
Simon: ...So did I?
Jay: Why'd you say vagina then?
Jay: Well when I fingered her, she shit down my arm.
Neil: This has been the best night of my life.
Simon: I'm gonna fuck your fucking fanny off you twat!
Simon: My penis is hard for you.
Jay: C'mon I've got enough young meat for the both of ya.
Jay: (pretending to be Simon) Oh look at me I've got a girlfriend and I love going round hers and listening to her shit music and laughing at her shit jokes and pretending she is fit when she isn't.
Simon: Who isn't that fit?
Jay: Your mum.

Will Is Home Alone [3.5]

edit

(Will is in Mr. Gilbert's office.)

Mr. Gilbert: As I'm sure you're aware, there's been a spate of vandalism recently, culminating in someone adapting the flower display by main road that it now reads (looks at paper on desk) "we cum tit village".
Mr. Gilbert: (to Will, in his office) You've got until Monday to find out (who vandalised the roundabout flower display), or it's 'Goodbye, first-rate education, hello, the University of Lincoln'.
Will: Sorry, is there a sign on the permanently open front door saying 'this way to the free toast bar?'
Jay: (commenting on Will's house rules) God, it's like staying at the Ritz!
Will: Famous of course for its 'no chucking drinks or toast' policy.
Jay: Ah, yes, Will's mum's vibrator!
Will: That's a rolling pin.
Jay: It's still got that lovely smell.
Will: It's a rolling pin.
Neil: How long you had the dog now, Jay?
Jay: Eight years.
Neil: And has he always watched you tug one off?
Jay: No! I wasn't wanking when I was 10, was I?!
Neil: I thought you got laid when you was nine? With that fit babysitter?

(Will stares)

Jay: ...Erm...yeah, and that's WHY I wasn't wanking so much.
Will: (after a squirrel refuses to dodge Jay's car) You've just lost a game of chicken with a rodent!
Neil: Oh, that's so funny! He's mugging you off, mate!
Jay: Right, we'll see about that!

(Jay reverses really hard. You hear a bump)

Will: Oh god.

(They get out to see a dead squirrel lying on the ground)

Neil: Oh, why did you do that for?!
Jay: That'll show him! Fucking little piss taker.
Will: I don't think he was trying to take the piss, Jay!
Neil: Let's go get a spade, we'll bury it.
Jay: Nah, fuck him!

(Pause as they look at the body. Jay looks solemn)

Jay: (Mournfully) His eyes look sad.
Will: (voiceover) So in Neil and Jay's course of destruction, the death toll stood at ten destroyed daffodils and one piss-taking squirrel.
Will: (after witnessing his garden's daffodils being destroyed by the other boys) What are you going to do next? Tag up my bedroom?! Piss through my letterbox?!
Neil: Can we?
Will: No! Right! We're going out again! Come on!
Will: Okay, I'd assumed it was a given, but I'll make this clear just in case: No one is to shit in my back garden!!!
Will: (kicks the door into Mrs. Springett’s face) Fucking Mrs. Springett!

Camping Trip [3.6]

edit
Simon: (to his parents) Brilliant(!) You've effectively ended my life. Why not go the whole hog and just shoot me? Or better still, why don't you take me to the vets and have me secretly put down, just like you did with Patch?!
Neil: What is Swansea, is it an animal?
Gilbert: Teachers don't start each day by swearing allegiance to the Education Fairies under a portrait of The Queen. It's not so much a calling as a graveyard for the unlucky and the unambitious. Between you and me, the only reason anyone teaches these days is that they've taken a more relaxed stance on police checks in recent years.
Will: They say the art of teaching is aiding discovery. And Mr. Gilbert had helped me discover that he was a wanker.
Simon: (about the dinner lady) That stupid ugly bitch just ruined it for me with Carli!!
Jay: Why, has she been controlling your personality for the last eighteen years?
Jay: I knocked out a cow in the countryside once, one punch to the face.
Will: Hmmm, course you did.
Jay: But then its mate saw what was going on and I had to scarper from a whole group of them. Managed to get off the gate, but then they stood up on their hind legs and started firing milk at me from their tits!
Will: Udders.
Jay: Yeah, there were loads of them!
Neil: What's an itinerary?
Simon: It's Will's way of taking the fun out of everything.
Will: (after discovering Jay has brought some condoms) We're camping by a lake near a river. What are you hoping to pull, a fish or an owl?
Jay: Look, all those country birds love a bit of big city cock.
Will: You're not from the big city!
Jay: Anywhere with a train station and a Morrison's counts as a city to them!
Will: (voiceover) So Simon's shitty yellow Fiat was gone forever. On the bright side, at least Jay beat me at Monopoly.
Neil: (after reading his text from 'Saucy ASDA Karen') I got an STD! Yes,an STD! Whoo!
Simon: How was the trench?
Will: I had to wipe my arse with leaves. And I think there were some ants in there, so I now literally have ants in my pants. And soil, and some earwigs. (boys laugh)
edit
 
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