The Grand Tour

The Grand Tour is a British motoring factual entertainment television series distributed by Amazon.

Season 1

2 December 2016 [1.3]

[explaining a traditional "Grand Tour"]

Hammond: It was like an eighteenth-century Cannonball Run, only with old-fashioned morphine instead of cocaine.

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13 January 2017 [1.10]

[Conversation Street, James May has launched into a rant about the Nürburgring]

James: The Nürburgring ruins cars, I'm developing an app for the smartphone called "Bomb the Nürburgring", where you guide a Dornier 17 over it and blow it up!

Clarkson: What are you doing on this programme?

James: Talking sense!

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3 February 2017 [1.13]

[on James May having received government subsidies for his electric vehicle]

Clarkson: [to the tune of ‘Dennis Moore’] James May, James May, stealing from the rich. James May, James May, stealing from the poor. He steals from the rich, he steals from the poor. And wants more, wants it all. That's appall...ing. [normally] It nearly works.

Season 2

16 February 2018 [2.11]

[Clarkson is towing James' car, having taken the engine off]

James: [over radio] You bastards! I hate you! Both of you! You utter BASTARDS!

Clarkson: Listen, I am prepared to tow your boot full of water, that's important. I'm not going to tow a dead engine that's full of water as well, that's just a waste of fuel!

James: Rubbish, it wasn't dead! I could have mended that once we'd dragged it out! It's just the ignition, I've done it five times already! You complete moron! I hope you get bilharzia of the ballsack!

Clarkson: Right, that's it. He's asked for it. [Clarkson revs his engine, blowing smoke into James' face]

James: Funny. Very funny. Funny man.

Hammond: [pulls up alongside James] I think you're following him too closely.

James: Why don't you sod off?

Hammond: Has it affected the handling?

Season 3

12 April 2019 [3.14]

[ranting about his father's Austin Allegro estate from when he was a child]

Hammond: It's cars like this, it's secrets, dark secrets like this lurking in people's pasts that create serial killers and psychopaths. It's a bloody miracle I'm not one! It's not being short that makes me an angry man, or being born in Birmingham. It's this! It's you!

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[ranting about the Toyota Picnic]

Hammond: Think what you started, you bastard! You deserve this, and you're having it! [strikes the headlight with a bat] And you're having more of it! [continues smashing up the Picnic] A new car is a great thing, but not when it's you! Oh, you've got a mirror left! [breaks a door mirror off, then switches to a sledgehammer] Think how many lives you've ruined! You are the Allegro estate of modern times! And you deserve this!

Cast

• Jeremy Clarkson
• Richard Hammond
• James May

External links

• The Grand Tour quotes at the Internet Movie Database