The Goodies (TV series)

British television comedy series

The Goodies is a British television comedy series shown in the 1970s and early 1980s.

Series 1

Tim: Right, We are 'The Goodies'.
Bill: Yes we know that!
Tim: And we are... uh... going to do good to people.
Bill: How wet!
[Graeme is brewing an antidote for his new, improved Snooze formula, which is an extremely powerful sedative. He is documenting his work on a Dictaphone.]
Graeme: ...and that should produce the correct antidote. Yes. Now to test it. First, I take a big swig of new improved Snooze...
[He drinks from a nearby cup of Snooze.]
Graeme: ...and now for the anti... [passes out before he can reach the antidote]
Tim: [Graeme has just finished designing a pirate post office] Gosh, that was quick work!
Graeme: Well, just like our post office, the quickest, and most efficient in the country.
Bill: You're being a bit optomistic, aren't you?
Graeme: Well, it's a work of genius.


(The Statue of Liberty moves past the pirate post-office window)

Series 2

Tim: [to the suicidal zookeeper they just rescued] We'll be kind and considerate and help you in any way we can, but if you don't tell us what the problem is...
Bill: [interrupts] ... we'll chuck you back in the river!
Graeme: [Reassuring Tim about Twinkle] It's not a monster, it's a kitten! Anyway, it's time for his vitamin pills.
[Pulls out a large pill and opens the cage to find it empty]
Graeme: He's gone... someone's taken him!
[suddenly attacks Tim, shrieking at him]
Graeme: You! YOU! You've done something to him, haven't you? You never liked him! What have you done with my pussy?
Tim: [while being shaken violently by Graeme] I haven't touched him! I wouldn't dare go NEAR him!
Bill: Oh, it wasn't him; it was me.
Graeme: What?
Bill: It wasn't him. He's all right, I only put him "out".
Graeme: [screams] YOU DID WHAT?
Bill: You should always put the cat "out" at night. So I... I did.
[grabs and throws away the Bush Baby, which has attached itself to him again]
[Runs to get his clothes]
Graeme: Come on! We gotta find him, and catch him before he eats someone he shouldn't!
Tim: [Amused by Graeme's "slip-up"] Ah! You mean some THING he shouldn't.
Graeme: [Voice of Doom] I know what I mean.
Tim, Bill: Oh heck...
[In the sex education film that the Goodies have made for young children. A picture of Tim is being displayed]
Graeme: [narrating] This is a man.
[Picture changes to a shot of some anonymous woman]
Graeme: ...And this isn't.
[Picture changes to a shot of Tim and the woman standing side-by-side]
Graeme: This is a picture of a man and a woman. Do you know what the difference is? Yes, that's right; men are better at football. But, you know, there are other differences, as well...

Series 3

[Tim unpacks a curious artifact to decorate his part of the office]
Bill: What's that?
Tim: An elephant's foot umbrella stand.
Bill: [offended] Wha...? El- Elephant's foot? Oh, you're not having that in here. I mean, that's cruel! I'll report you to the RSPCA.
Graeme: Oh, leave him alone.
Bill: No, I'm not!
[Bill mutters something as he opens the door to the foyer and starts tugging at an elephant's trunk]
Bill: Come on, in ya come. Right...
Tim: Wha... What's that?
Bill: Three-legged elephant.
[Tim looks aghast]
Tim: I just hope it makes you feel guilty.
Tim: So tomorrow night when the owls do hoot and the moon is full, we must journey to the abode of the living dead.
Bill: Aw, we're not going to Bognor again, are we?

Series 4

Bill & Tim: [as rabbits] Nnnyeeehh!
Graeme: [Serves them a whole lot of carrots] There we are eat 'em all up. [Bill and Tim refuse, showing a great dislike for the carrots] Aw c'mon, if you're real rabbits you can't get enough of those.
Tim: Course we're not real rabbits. [suddenly realise] Oh, did I say that?
Graeme: [Pleased, and slightly cocky by this reaction] It's wearing off isn't it?
Bill: No it is not!
Graeme: [Adamant] In that case eat your carrots!
Bill: Naw, c'mon, even rabbits need a change of diet now and again.
Graeme: All right then, 2 tons of lettuces.
[Further disgust and refusal from Bill and Tim]
Tim: Why not... Fish and chips?
Graeme: [Again pleased by the response] It is wearing off isn't it?
Tim: No! We're still the sworn servants of Big Bunny.
[Bill and Tim raise their arms in a 'Heil Hitler' gesture]
Graeme: Aw well, if you're still the sworn servants of Big Bunny, you probably won't want a slice of this delicious pie.
[Affirmative murmurs from Bill and Tim, a few words such as "pie?" and "scrummy" can be heard]
Graeme: Oh all right, there you are. [serves them slices of pie] Eat up. Nice isn't it?
Tim: Great, what is it?
Graeme: [triumphantly, as he shows them a pie with rabbit ears sticking out of it] Rabbit pie!
Tim: Oh no! You mean like... you made us cannibals?
[Feigned sobs from Bill and Tim. The door opens to reveal a rabbit]
Big Bunny: Stop! Stop!
Bill: Huh? Who said that?
Big Bunny: It is I your leader.
Bill & Tim: Big Bunny.
Graeme: [Indicates Big Bunny] Well?
Tim: Well...
[Bill and Tim pick up cutlery from the table]
Bill & Tim: Dinner!
[the two of them chase after Big Bunny,then the end credits start to roll as they chase Big Bunny down the road]

Tim: Look, I just need to nip out to the telephone box.
Tim: Er, that one there.
[The TARDIS from Doctor Who then flies past]

Tim: I once had a pet rabbit. And never did he once tie me to a board and stick carrots in my ears.

Series 5

Bill: [after watching their film] Right! I'm gonna get drunk! The film's a failure! I'm gonna drown me sorrows! I'm gonna drink 'till it comes out me eyeballs! I'm gonna get drunk!
Graeme: [the trio finds a song about the Jollyrock Lighthouse in a sea shanty compilation and eagerly start to sing it] Oh the winds they do blow, and the seas they do roar...
Tim, Graeme, Bill: [singing] ... when you're stuck on a lighthouse, ten miles from the shore. But you've heard of the Jollyrock, of that I am sure. Go there and your loved ones, will see you no more.
Tim, Graeme, Bill: [singing, suddenly worried] Oh, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do. I wouldn't go near it if I was you.
Graeme: [singing] So away from the Jollyrock I advise you to race.
Tim: It's utterly appalling... [confused] and not at all nace?
Bill: [singing, worried] For nasty things happen there, it's such a disgrace...
Tim, Graeme, Bill: [singing, now really worried] 'Cause people get killed there all over the place! OH, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do. I wouldn't go near it, if I was you.
Tim: [completely hysterical] Oh, the next verse is censored because it's too horrible even to talk about! [runs out] I don't feel well!
Bill: [singing, halfheartedly] Well your blood will run cold, and your heart fill with dread.
Graeme: [singing, halfheartedly] For the Jollyrock is plagued with the souls of the dead!
Bill: [singing] If you stay there one night... [terrified] you'll go clean off your head!
Graeme, Bill: [singing, weakly] And in no time at all you will probably catch mumps...
[Double-check the line]
Graeme, Bill: ... Mumps?
Tim: That doesn't even rhyme!
Graeme: I've been out looking around, and you'll never guess what I just found in an old tin mine.
Bill: Gold?
Graeme: No, old tins.
[empties a bag of empty tin cans on the floor]
Graeme: [producing a rock] And... this!
Bill: What?
Graeme: [confidently] Gold ore.
Tim: Ore?
Graeme: [less confidently] Or something else.
[Bill is drunk]
Tim: [to Graeme] Pay no attention to him. He's pissed.
Graeme: Has he?
Tim: Yes.

[Tim and Bill yell at each other]
Graeme: This is good, political discussion, a healthy thing.
Bill: This isn't political discussion, we're just shouting at one another.
Graeme: Same thing.
[In Nationwide.]
Michael Barratt: Good evening, and tonight in Nationwide, we're looking at a political solution that's entirely new to Great Britain. For the first time in our history, we find ourselves the subject of a puppet government and in the studio to answer questions on some of the topics raised by this situation, we have the Prime Minister. [The Prime Minister, Sooty, appears.] Good evening, Prime Minister. Some of your critics might suggest that the responsibility of running the country may be outside your previous political experience. [Sooty asks him.] You'll do what to your critics? Oh, I see. Well, at this stage we should bring in the new-appointed Home Secentury. [The Home Secretary, Sweep, appears.] Good evening. Do say hello to the Prime Minister. Now, perhaps I could begin by raising a point which was made earlier. [Sooty asks him again.] I'm sorry, what was that, Prime Minister? You want to play your xylophone? [Sooty brings in a xylophone.] Would you mind? Erm… Oh, erm… I mean… [Sooty and Sweep starts hitting him with xylophone hammers.] No, please, you must… Stop it, Home Secretary! Prime Minister!
[Cut to the Houses of Parliament. Big Ben chimes, as words "Today in Parliament" appear. Inside, a Clanger from Clangers is seen speaking to the puppets. The puppets jeer and throw papers. The Goodies watch on TV on a tree trunk. Tim turns it off.]
Tim: [referring to the puppets] See, see. I'm telling you could trust them.
Bill: [angry] Right. That does it, come on.
Tim: Great. Right… Where to?

[In Chequers, The Goodies enter a cabinet room, and they see the puppet government at a table. Tim clears his throat, the puppets look at him.]
Tim: Right. All right, you puppets, I think you know why we're here. [chuckles] Well, so do we. Yes. Ha, ha, yes. [clicks throat]
Bill: [looks at Tim] Go on!
Tim: I will, I'll go on.

[As Tim looks at the trashcans, until a sort-of Cookie Monster appears in the bin]
A sort-of Cookie Monster: [silent roars]
[a sort-of Cookie Monster begins to attack Tim whilst in a bin]
Tim: Get off, get off!
[Tim puts a sort-of Cookie Monster in a bin, guzzles him, and burps loudly]

Series 6

Tim: It's all a con!
Bill: Uh, no. I prefer to use the word rip-off.

Series 7

[the Goodies have been told there's half an hour to go before the end of the world]
Tim: At least there's time to do the ironing.
[Brings in the ironing board and a basket of laundry]
Tim: Just think, this is the end of Derby County... and the Muppets!
Graeme: The Muppets?
Tim: Yes, when we go, they'll go too, you know... oh, I do hope they don't suffer.
Graeme: They're not real, you know!
Tim: Well, of course they're real!
Graeme: Don't be silly... the Muppets are just dollies!
Tim: If they're "dollies", how come they can sing and dance and make sophisticated funny remarks?
Graeme: Look, Kermit the frog is a green sock.
Tim: [suddenly disturbed] What?
Graeme: Kermit the frog is a man on his knees with a green sock on his hand!
[to demonstrate, he uses a green sock as a glove puppet and imitates Kermit]
Graeme: "Hello frog lovers, and welcome to the Muppet Show! I'd like to welcome our very special guest, Miss Piggy. Yay-ay-ay-ay!"
Tim: Well she has GOT to be real.
Graeme: Pair of old y-fronts and a mop head.
[He holds up a pair of underpants and a mop head, and speaks like Miss Piggy]
Graeme: "Hello Kermit, spawn of my heart, frog of my dreams!"
[as Kermit]
Graeme: "Hi there Miss Piggy, and what can I do for you?" Fozzie Bear is a brown woolly jumper with a hat on!
[Holds up a brown pullover and a hat and speaks like Fozzie]
Graeme: "Oh boy, funn-y! Oh Kermit, I hope those two old guys don't heckle me!"
[Holds up two sponge balls and imitates Waldorf and Statler]
Graeme: "Boo boo, the bear's a comedian, the comedian's a bear! Boo, boo!"
[Waves a feather duster in Tim's face and bellows]
Graeme: "A-NI-MAL!"
Tim: [Nearly hysterical] No, stop it! Lies! LIES!
Graeme: [holds up the green sock again and sings] "Halfway up the staircase..."
Tim: NO!
[runs into the kitchen, screaming]
Graeme: I released his inhibitions through anger and violence! My work is at an end. I can die a happy man.
[Tim emerges screaming from the kitchen and throws the gas cooker at Graeme]
Graeme: You shouldn't have hit me with that! You've ruined the cake!
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