The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was a sitcom that ran from 1990 to 1996.


Season OneEdit

The Fresh Prince ProjectEdit

Vivian: Sweetie, would you say grace, please?
Ashley: Yes, mommy... (Starts rapping) Hey there, lord. My name is Ashley Banks. My family and friends want to give you some thanks. So before this dinner's all swallowed and chewed, thank you God for this stupid food!

Philip: I want to talk to you.
Will: About what?
Philip: You know. From the minute you walked through that door, you've been a one-man wrecking crew, trying to tear down what's taken a lot of hard work to build up, skewering everything with your flippant shenanigans!
Will: I was with you up until "skewering".

Vivian: How was the flight, honey?
Will: Yo, the plane ride was stupid. I was up in the first class...
Philip: Excuse me?
Will: No, I'm saying the plane ride was dope.
Philip: Excuse me?!
Will: No... Stupid, dope, it's not what you think. How would I say this... [in Bryant Gumbel like voice] the flight was really neat.

Bang the Drum, AshleyEdit

Philip: Ashley, honey, where is your violin?
Ashley: Big Sal has it.
Vivian: Big Sal? Who's Big Sal?
Ashley: He owns this really cool store where you don't even need any money. You just go in and give him something you don't even want and he gives you this ticket and...
Philip: A pawn shop?! You took her to a pawn shop?!
Will: Yeah, you don't have many pawn shops in Bel-Air. I had to drive all the way to east L.A.
Vivian: East L.A.?
Philip: How dare you pawn her violin?!

Vivian: Philip, when I met you, you were into James Brown.
Will: He liked James Brown?
Vivian: He even wore his hair like him.
Will: [laughs] He had hair?

Clubba HubbaEdit

Carlton: Might I say you rate a perfect 10 on my niftiness meter?

Not With My Pig, You Don'tEdit

Philip: Will, there's something you should know: Sometimes... parents just don't understand.
[Philip's mother, Hattie, embraces each of the Banks kids]
Hattie:: Ashley, look how much you've grown! Hilary, look how much you've grown! Carlton... hi.

Homeboy, Sweet HomeboyEdit

Vivian: Will, why don't you introduce Ice Tray to your family?
Will (to Ice Tray): This is my little cousin Ashley. This is my bodyguard Geoffrey. All of this is my Uncle Phil. Remember, we used to say that Daffy Duck must have a little brother somewhere? Meet my cousin Carlton.
Ashley: (about Ice Tray coming to visit) Word up. This is gonna be cold, stupid on the serious tip.
Philip: What did you say, young lady?
Ashley: I mean, this is quite an exceptional idea, Daddy. Peachy keen even.

Mistaken IdentityEdit

Reporter: The ringleader agreed to confess, only if a camera crew were present to broadcast live. What you are about to see is Minuteman 21 News exclusive. [camera shows Will]
Will: Yeah! We done it! Word to Big Bird! We fixed 8 Benzitos, 15 Jags, and a Maserati! But I ain't like the upholstery, so I took it back, Jack!
Reporter: And do you have anything to say? [shows Carlton]
Carlton: Dad?!

Phillip: I've got a few questions for you. When you got this alleged confession from these two young men, did they have a lawyer present? No. Because I'm their lawyer. Did you notify their parents? No. Because we're their parents. So, officer, don't tell us to wait, and don't tell us to sit down. Just open that damn cell and let those two boys outta there or I'm gonna tie this place up with so much litigation that your grandchildren are gonna need lawyers!

Def Poet's SocietyEdit

Will: (to Jazz) What kind of poem is that?
Jazz: I'm starvin'. When do we eat here?
Philip: We eat here later. You eat here never.
Jazz: Looks like you eat here often.
(Philip throws Jazz out the door again)

Someday Your Prince Will Be in Effect (1)Edit

Vivian (to Phillip): Can't you at least get into the Halloween spirit?
Philip (in a dull tone): Boo.
Will (to Carlton): Yeah, I got a date.
Carlton: (holds up a model magazine) Who? Page 42?

Someday Your Prince Will Be in Effect (2)Edit

Ashley: I can't believe Carlton went to bed early.
Will: Ashley, if you found out the only person in the world who would go out with was mentally deranged, you'd go to bed too.

Kiss My ButlerEdit

Jazz: I dunno 'bout West Philly, but in L.A. you don't give stuff like that away.
Will: I dunno 'bout L.A., but in West Philly, you mess with some other brother's girlie, you mess around and get yourself killed.
Jazz: Well I dunno 'bout West Philly, but in L.A. we're man enough to take that risk.
Will: My brother, you wanna take this outside?!?

Courting DisasterEdit

Phil: How would you feel if I came into your room and suddenly started throwing chalk around?
Will: I'd be devastated. (said in a deadpan manner)

Cartwell: I was under the assumption...
Coach: Ah. You made an assumption. Now, you should never make an assumption, because you'll be an 'ass' and the 'ump' will 'shun' you.

Carlton: Hey, Hilary. Did Dad mention me during the game?
Hilary: Yeah, he did say "Shut up, that's my kid you're talking about!"

Talking TurkeyEdit

Vivian (to Phillip): Do you know what my sister just said? You are not gonna beleve this. She said our kids are spoiled.
Philip (sarcastically): Oh, news flash.
Vivian: You mean you agree with her?
Philip: Vivian, I'm the one who says they should be doing more work around the house. You're the one who is too easy on them.
Vivian: Oh, really? Does this sound familiar? (imitating Hilary) Daddy, I need $300.
Will (to the kids): All I see is you guys getting a fancy ride, a fancy ride in a free car.

Knowledge is PowerEdit

Vivian: Hilary, your father and I just want you to be all you can be.
Hilary: You want me to join the army?!

Vivian: Philip, I've been thinking about what Hilary said. That stuff about us putting too much pressure on her, how hard it is to live up to a college professor, how she believed she couldn't admit to us she failed.
Philip: You mean you bought that crap?!

Will: This looks like a job for Sherlock Homeboy.
Hilary: Alright okay! I can't take it any more! I dropped out of college.
Phillip: You did what?! ...Hilary when did this happen?
Hilary: 3 months ago.
Vivian: 3 months ago?
Phillip: and you have been lying to us since then?
Vivian: 3 months ago?
Hilary: Mother I can explain!
Vivian: 3 months ago?

(after Hilary admits to Carlton that Will is blackmailing her because she dropped out of college)

Carlton: That's awful! Is he making you clean his room?
Hilary: No.
Carlton: Will you clean miiiine?
Hilary: Carlton!
Carlton: I'm sorry, Hilary, but this is too good to be true! Why should Will have all the fun?
Hilary: Why you little-
Hilary: I HATE YOU!

Day Damn OneEdit

Carlton: There has been a tragedy at school! Somebody scratched the word "Fresh" on the alumni desk. They already have a lead on who did it.
Will{nervous}: They do?
Carlton: They think it was a freshmen who lost his cool.
Ashley: Lost his cool, that's funny. "Fresh" means cool, right Will?
Will: I can't keep up with this new hip lingo.
Ashley: But I thought that's why they called you the Fresh Prince?
Will buries his head in his hands
Phillip: Day damn one, Vivian! Day damn one!

Deck the HallsEdit

Will: Come on, Ashley. Let's write our letters to Santa.
Ashley: Will, don't you have something better to do with your Christmas vacation than writing some silly letter?
Will: Come on, Ashley. You can help me with mine. How do you spell Vanessa Williams?
Philip: Ashley's right. What are we fighting about? We all used to love Christmas. Now we take everything so seriously.

The Lucky CharmEdit

Will: Why do you humor this guy? The planet he's on hasn't been discovered yet.

Will: Uncle Phil told him to take his fancy 20 million dollar account, fold it five ways and stick it where Sparky can't find it.

The Ethnic TipEdit

Will (to Vivian): I read the autobiography of Malcolm X.
Vivian: And that makes you a serious black history student?
Will: It's a very important book.
Vivian: Will, you can read the books, you can wear the T-shirts, you can put up the posters and you can shout the slogans, but unless you know all the facts, you are just trivializing the entire struggle.

The Young and the RestlessEdit

Will: Okay, Ashley. First, we'll take Grandma to see the llamas and then we'll go on the roller coaster and the Ferris wheel.
Ashley: Will for the last time, we are not breaking in to Michael Jackson's house!
Hattie (to Phillip): Now don't go giving me that look, Zeke. That's the same look you gave me at the county fair when I wouldn't let you climb up the greasy pole. Now, you're not all that mad at me, are you?
Philip: Well, Mama, yes I am. I try to set some rules down for Will and you undermine my authority. I know how to handle things. I am an adult.
Hattie: I am too, Zeke.
Phil: I know that.
Hattie: Do you? How many adults do you tell to take a nap?
Philip: Mama, I was just worried about you.
Hattie: But I'm fine, baby.
Philip: I know. When you had the flu and I talked to you on the phone, you sounded so small. I just want you to live a long time.
Hattie: Then Zeke, let me live.

Nice LadyEdit

Will: [Referring to Lady Penelope] G, the Lady's a Tramp.

Will: Opera? I thought she said Oprah.

Love at First FightEdit

Kayla: Your momma.
Will: Oh? What about my momma?
Kayla: Your momma is so fat, they showed her a picture of her feet and she couldn't identify them.
Will: Well, your momma is so dumb, she went to the theater and it said 'Under 17 Not Admitted' so she went home and got sixteen of her friends.
Kayla: You know what? I shouldn't talk about your momma. I feel sorry for your momma. Having such an ugly child.
Will: (outraged) Ugly?
Kayla: You're so ugly, your momma had to tie a pork chop around your neck just so the dog would play with you.
Will: You're so ugly, your momma had to feed you with a slingshot.
Kayla: You're so ugly, that isn't a fade on your head. That's your hair running away from your face.
Will: Well you're so ugly, you so fine.

[Kayla smiles at Will and they move to kiss, but Will turns away at the last moment]

Will: I would kiss you, but I just had a chili dog.

Banks ShotEdit

Will: All this legal stuff won't work. The only legal phrase these people understand is "will the defendant please rise."

Philip: I think I'm getting better.
Fred: That's not the way I see it. You still stink.
Geoffrey: I wouldn't talk.

72 HoursEdit

Vivian: Carlton, You are not going down to McArthur Park tonight. In fact, (to everyone) none of you are going down to McArthur Park tonight.
Tiny (stands up): Wait a minute.
Vivian: Boy, do not test me.
Tiny: Yes, ma'am. (sits back down)
Vivian (to Will): Now, none of this would've happened if you hadn't insisted on making fun of your cousin. Now, you know, for a person who's always going around saying "I wish people would let me act the way I want", you were awfully hard on Carlton.
Carlton: That was my point.
Philip: That's no excuse, Carlton. Just because Will teases you, you have to do something this foolish?
Carlton: Dad, I know it seemed foolish, but I had to show him that I had the courage to survive down there.
Philip: That's not courage. Courage is being the way you are no matter what anybody says about you. Will teases me, but you don't see me goin' "Yo, yo, yo, homey, yo."
Carlton: There's no "yo" at the end of it. I'm pretty sure of it.

Just InfatuationEdit

(after Little T kisses Ashley)

Will: Uncle Phil, I am telling you he kissed her right on the lips.
Carlton: It was more on the cheek dad.
Will: But he was aiming for her lips and he missed. He's aggressive and inaccurate and that's a dangerous combination!

Working It OutEdit

Hilary (to Marissa): Your last five movies sucked big time!
Will: Six.
Jazz (tells Marissa off about the way she treats Hilary): Now you say you're sorry to her before I get pretty damn mad.

Season TwoEdit

Did the Earth Move for You?Edit

Will: [singing to himself] I'm stuck in a basement, sittin' on a tricycle, girl gettin' on my nerves. I'm goin' outta my mind, I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers!

Will: [after Kathleen insults his childhood teddy-bear] Hey, hey, HEY! Don't you be dissin' my bear!!!

Hilary (to Philip): Daddy, if you're always losing your keys, you should use my system.
Ashley: What's that?
Hilary: O.K., like I was always losing my car keys, so I went down to the key store and had 30 copies made. That way when I lose a key, I always have another one -- And next month, I do the same thing.
Ashley: That's your system?
Hilary: Absolutely. I did the same thing with our house key.
Philip: You mean, there are copies of our house key all over Los Angeles?
Hilary: Don't worry, daddy. I put our name and address on all of them.

The Mother of All BattlesEdit

Dr. Hoover: Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter oughta be heavily sedated and immediately institutionalized.
Philip: Well, speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that your daughter suits the criminal profile to a T. Right down to the low, sloping forehead, and the wide jaw suitable for grains and small rodents!
Dr. Hoover: I think you must have her confused with yo' mama.
[Philip punches him, and Hoover falls on Will]
Will: That's it, Uncle Phil! You're grounded! [to Dr. Hoover] Y'know, I'd be happy to prescribe something for that.

Will Gets a JobEdit

Vivian: Maybe Will did get a job.
Philip: Oh, please, Vivian. You'd believe that boy if he told you that he was a big rap star whose album just went platinum.

Will: [as a pirate in a restaurant] Welcome to the Briny Deep, where none of our prices are ever too steep. We got fresh fish, you can look at our tank, to get to the bathroom make a left at the plank. Follow me.

PSAT PstoryEdit

(Will and Carlton enter the kitchen with cleaning equipment)
Carlton:(about the PSAT) I don't believe it. You couldn't have done better than me. Somewhere, there's an Asian Will Smith and he's really ticked.
Will: Carlton, it was one measly little percentile point, all right? But I won't hesitate to throw it in your face if you don't leave me alone.
Carlton: Well, everyone still knows I have the superior intellect.(he sprays the kitchen window)
Will: Than why are you using car wax on the window?! (patronizing voice) This a window. This Windex? Can you say that little man?

Hilary: Geoffrey just looked back and gave a sad little wave.
Will:(to Ashley) And fortunately, you're too young to know what he was waving.

Philip: Geoffrey, after seeing your good work this past year, we have decided to increase your pay by twenty dollars per week.
Geoffrey{mockingly}: Thank you, sir. And, with my newfound wealth, I shall be able to treat myself to a Happy Meal!

Carlton: I'll be subjected to overcrowding, bad food, and daily threats of violence. I'll have to get a Jheri Curl and tattoo.
Will: Carlton, They're not gonna send you to jail for cheating on a test.
Carlton: I wasn't talking about jail, I was talking about public school!

Granny Gets BusyEdit

Will: Hey, grandma. What do you think?
Hattie (walking in the living room to see Carlton in a dress being sewn by Will): Six years of Oprah and this is still a shock.
Carlton: It's a bet, Grandma.
Hattie: Don't tell me what happens if you lose. In fact, I don't want to know what happens if you win. Oh, Hell. Let's just never mention it again.
Philip (walking in the living room to see Carlton in a dress being sewn by Will): Son -- and I use that term loosely.
Carlton: Dad, it's not what it looks like. Will and I are making a dress.
Philip: That's exactly what it looks like.

Guess Who's Coming to Marry?Edit

Bobby: Cousin Carlton, Tomorrow, can you take me to Disneyland?
Carlton: Forget it. I will not be an accomplice to the murder of Mickey Mouse.

Carlton: I was thinking, since Janice is of the Negroid persuasion and Frank is of the Caucasoid persuasion, we could try these sings for the wedding...
Carlton sings a few lines from "Ebony and Ivory" by Paul McCartney then "Jungle Fever" by Stevie Wonder
Carlton: So, Will, what did you think?
Will: I think you were deprived of oxygen at birth.

Will: Bobby, I like it whenever you come. They all appreciate me after you leave.

The Big Four-OhEdit

Will: (cheering) We beat 'em, we dissed 'em, we whipped they butts good, but that was kinda stupid, y'all, we in they neighborhood. Run!
Will: Yo! Yo! Yo! We're here to display...
Carlton: A look at a woman who's 40 today.
Hilary: She's smart and well-dressed, so just to give thanks...
Ashley: This is your life, Vivian Banks.

She Ain't HeavyEdit

Will (to Dee Dee): Would you ever wear white after Labor Day?
Dee-Dee: If it's clean and I can button it, I'll wear anything.

Cased UpEdit

Philip [to Will about his new car] Until I see some insurance papers, you're not driving this car. In fact, what kind of idiot would sell a car without insurance?
Jazz: I resent that. The joke's on you, Mr. Banks. You can't throw me out, 'cause I'm already outside. [Philip picks up Jazz then proceeds to throw him into the kitchen]

Will: You've heard of the Batmobile, get a load of the Rapmobile!

Hi-Ho SilverEdit

(After stealing silverware they thought was theirs)

Will: Carlton, why do I have service to eight in my drawers?

Sonya Lamor: Hello darling...NO photographs!

Hilary: I hope there's no papparazzi around here
Sonya Lamor: Oh don't worry darling, they don't know I live here
Hilary: No, it's because people mistake me for Whitney Houston.

The Butler Did ItEdit

(Will enters the kitchen carrying two suitcases.)
Carlton: Will, it's nice of you to help Mom and Dad with their bags.
Will: Oh yeah, man. I mean, they treat me so good here, I do whatever I can to repay their kindness.
Carlton: Can't wait for them to leave either, huh?
Will: Does Barry White want seconds?

Something for NothingEdit

Will [looking at Carlton's book cover]: "How To Beat The Odds? Sorry C, there's no way to beat it. You're odd."

Christmas ShowEdit

Will: Carlton, skiing is for white guys named Sven, and O.J. Simpson.
Carlton: Oh, Will, you deprived product of the ghetto. Skiing is an exhilarating sport.
Will: What is exhilarating about strapping two sticks to your feet, flying down a hill at 90 miles an hour, and then slamming into a tree?
This is L.A., man. If I wanted to get my head cracked, I'd star in the next Rodney King video.

Hilary Gets a LifeEdit

Will: [to Hilary] I've been busting my hump ever since you got a job.

[Philip reads off the family's credit card bills]
Philip: Carlton, ninety dollars for a pair of socks? That's ridiculous.
Vivian: It certainly is. Oh Philip, that's nine dollars.
Philip: Oh...Ashley. How could you manage to charge eighty dollars worth of trinkets on our account at the drug store?
Vivian: That's eighty cents. Sweety, do you need to get your eyes checked?
Philip: Don't be ridiculous Vivian.
Vivian: This has been going on for months. If you move the TV any closer to the bed, I'll be sleeping with Jay Leno.

Philip: Now, this looks like it says "300 dollars for shoes." What's that say?
Vivian: 300 dollars for shoes.
Hillary: Point being?

My Brother's KeeperEdit

'[Will and Tyriq sitting at the table eating]
Carlton: Will, everybody knows why you're in training. No fats, no chocolate, and no women.
Will: Then I should probably cancel my date with that fat chocolate woman!
Carlton: Will, you better listen to me if you want me to be your manager.
Will: My manager? I don't even want you to be my cousin.
Carlton: I didn't hear that.

Geoffrey Cleans UpEdit

(Geoffrey's down on his millionaire girlfriend, and Will starts singing the blues and playing harmonica)
Will (singing): ...My butler is black ...My butler is blue ...'Cause his honey's got green ...coming out her wazoo.
(Carlton helps his father to try on wigs.)
Carlton: What do you think of this one, Dad?
Philip: I look like Little Richard, Attorney at Law.
Geoffrey: Dinner is served. (sees Philip) A-whop-bop-aloobop-a-wop-bam-boom!

Community ActionEdit

(Geoffrey sneezes)
Vivian: Geoffrey, it sounds like you're getting a cold.
Geoffrey (speaking with nose stuffed up): Not at all, madam. It was barely a stipple. There you go, Master William.
Will: Thanks a lot, G. It looks great.
(Geoffrey sneezes in Will's cereal)
Will: Yo, Carlton. Breakfast!

Ill WillEdit

Will: Will Smith, tonsils.
Max Jakey (Milton Berle): Max Jakey... everything else. Sweaty palms, kid? First-timer, huh?
Will: Man, you trippin'. I was 15 when I first... You mean surgery.

Dr. Baylor(whose glasses are on his head): I've gotta find those glasses.
Will (praying): God, please don't let me leave here with breasts.

Eyes on the PrizeEdit

Jazz: (to Will, about Tyriq) What's he doing here?
Tyriq: (to Will, about Jazz) No, what's he doing here?
Will: Now, y'all not still mad about that watch thing.
Tyriq: He sold me a fake Rolex.
Jazz: He paid with a fake $20.
Will: [to Tyriq] Now, first of all. You should have known it was fake when you saw that the warranty was only for two hours. [to Jazz] And you should have known the Jackson on the $20 ain't Jermaine.
Jazz: They all look the same to me.

Bob Eubanks: What is the capital of Ohio?
(Tyriq buzzes in)
Eubanks: Tyriq?
Tyriq: That would be the capital "O", Bob.

Those Were the DaysEdit

Vivian: Marge, when you told Will that we chained ourselves together at sit-ins, you're only giving him the romantic part of the struggle. Girlfriend, you are leaving out everything that went before it: the leaflets, the petitions, the years of trying to work through the system.
Marge: The system doesn't work. You have to blow the door down. Looks to me like you forgot that.
Philip: You talk as if I wasn't there with you in Birmingham facing dogs and firehoses. This is me, Olfame, the same Olfame that was with you the night Harlem went up in flames, but now I have a family and I choose not to fight in the streets. I have an office to fight from and I have fought and won cases for fair housing, affirmative action, health care and I am not ashamed to write a big fat check for something I believe in and that doesn't make me any less committed than you, so don't you dare look down your damn nose at me, Adabola.
Philip (to Marge): Remember Woodstock?
Marge: Yes.
Philip: Twenty of us tried to squeeze into that tent. Vivian and I jumped into that lake naked.
Vivian: I wasn't at Woodstock.

Vying for AttentionEdit

Vivian (to Geoffrey): So, how's the chicken holding up?
Geoffrey: I'm afraid it's drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford Center, madam.
Will: I know my Ma. She's just trying to get to her retirement plan and her rocking chair.
Carlton: Is that why she's moonwalking up the driveway?

The Aunt Who Came to DinnerEdit

Helen: Lester, Don't make me get Ethnic on you!

Helen: You know how they say men are animals in bed?
Vivian: [*smirks*] Yes?
Helen: Well I don't.

Be My Baby TonightEdit

Geoffrey (to Will): Aren't you dressed a little early for your date?
Will: I ain't going on a date. I'm going on a phone call.
Geoffrey: That's what I call safe sex.
Ashley: I know where babies come from. I took sex education.
Phil: I thought you took band.

Strip-Tease for TwoEdit

(at the Gingham Turtle restaurant, where Carlton is performing a striptease)
Woman: Take it off!
Vivian: Put it on! Carlton Banks, you put your clothes on this minute!
Carlton: Mommy?!
(he covers his chest with his hands)

Philip: I wanna know what excuse you two have for pulling such a stupid stunt.
Carlton: We needed the money.
Philip: For what? And I want the truth.
Will: All right. It's like this Uncle Phil. See, Carlton got this inside tip on a stock.
Philip: Federal offense. Go on.
Will: Then we pawned Aunt Viv's bracelet to get the money for the stock.
Philip: Grand Larceny. Impressive.
Will: Then we lost the money, so we had to strip to get the bracelet back.
Philip: That would be indecent exposure. Is there more?
Carlton: I'm afraid so dad. We never got the clasp fixed on mom's bracelet.
(all three start laughing)
Philip: You never got...I don't know what to say. What can I do? What do you boys think I should do?
Will: I don't know...reward us for our honesty? (they laugh again) Hey, it worked for the Beave!
Philip: "The beave"!
[they all laugh inaudiably; Philip suddenly stops]

Season ThreeEdit

How I Spent My Summer VacationEdit

[after Will touches a car]
Car Security System: You are too close to the vehicle.
Will: Who said that?
C.S.S.: You are too close to the vehicle.
Will: I heard you the first time.
C.S.S.: You have 10 seconds to move away before the alarm activates.
Will: Oh, really, now? [sings the Jeopardy! theme while looking at his watch] 10 seconds, I knew you was full of it.
[the alarm activates]
[Will runs into a police officer]
Cop: Who were you talking to, son?
Will: Oh, actually, I was talking to the car, officer.
Cop: [sarcastically] Oh, the car talks?
Will: Yeah, hold on. [jumps on the back of the car] It says "move or I'll kill you", something like that. [laughs] Damn!
[the cop takes Will away]
Car Security System: You are too close to the vehicle.

Will Gets CommittedEdit

Will (to Noah): Hey man, I'm from Philly. We had to save up to be poor! You don't get it.
Noah: Yeah, I get it all right. you come down here with your X-cap and your cool Doc Martins and you're all dope and word to your mother and you think that makes you committed. This isn't a game, Will and if you think it is, then maybe you better not come back because you don't get it.
Philip: Vivian, where were you yesterday?
Vivian: Shooting hoops with Michael Jordan.

That's No Lady, That's My CousinEdit

(Philip is telling Will and Carlton about his freshman year at Princeton)
Philip: For extra money, I had to work for the Princeton Daily. My first assignment was to interview the town's most famous stripper: Boom-Boom Lasalle.
(The guys start laughing)
Will: I wonder why they called her that.
Philip: For some reason, she took a liking to me. So she invited me to come with her and her sister to her dressing room for drinks.
Will: You the man, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Anyway, one thing led to another and before you know it, this old country boy...(Vivian slams a plate of food on the table in front of him) finished his Yoo-Hoo and went right home.
Vivian: Wait a minute, Philip. Go back to when you finished your Yoo-Hoo.
Carlton: (after their school goes coed) It's a disgrace. It's a scandal. It's an outrage.(a girl walks past him) It's the mother of my children.
(After Will sees a hot girl walking by)
Will: Hurt me, hurt me! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's up, baby?
Veronica: The name's Veronica.
Will: Ooh, Veronica, I like that.
Veronica: Great, now I can die.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa, now, baby, I noticed you noticing me and I just want to put you on notice that I noticed you too.
Veronica: And?
Will: And I just want to let you know that I might let you consider being with me.
Veronica: Is that what passes for a compliment?
Will: Wait, listen...
Veronica: No, you listen. If you want a shot at being with me, maybe you should try talking to me like a normal human being. Got it?
Will: Actually, baby, you got it, but I'll take donations!
(Ashley is worried about her first day at a new school)
Ashley: What if no one likes me?
Will: Just do what Carlton does: give them money.
[Ashley walks into the room, coughs AHEM and the boys crowd her]
Carlton: Wow. Will, check out the talent. She's cool, she's hot, she's...
Carlton: [shrieks]
[Ashley laughs and smiles; Carlton and Will rush over to her]
Will:Yo! Ease back, man! Ease back!
[They chase the boys away]
Carlton: What do you think you're doing?
Ashley: Buzz off, small stuff!
Carlton: That's it, Ashley! I want you to-- I'm ordering you to look unattractive!
[Ashley rolls her eyes, looks away and laughs]
Will: (to Ashley) What did you have for breakfast, hormones?
Ashley: Beat it! I'm workin' the room! [Walks up to a boy]
Ashley: Hi, Bobby
Carlton: Where'd she learn to walk like that?
Will: And where did she get that Lee Press-On body?
Kenny (to Ashley): HURT ME, HURT ME! Yo, baby. See, I noticed you noticed me and I wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too! Baby, you float my boat!
Will: I know you better float your midget boat on out of here. [pulls Kenny and pushes him into Carlton away from Ashley]
Kenny: Will, man! Ease up!
Will: No, you ease up, man! What you trying to do?
Kenny: The same thing you're trying to do. I'm just trying to press up this woman!
Ashley: I am too a woman and I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my business!
Will: Don't you shake your neck at me like that, girl!
Ashley: Come on, Kenny!
Kenny: Hey.
[they start to walk out]
[Ashley ignores Carlton and shakes her butt all the way out of the room]
Kenny (to Ashley): Baby, I'm telling you. You got more moves than a bowl of Jello and there's always room for Jello.
Ashley: Wow!
Will: Dude sounds like a jackass.
Carlton: Actually, Will, he sounds like you.
Ashley: So when are we going out?
Kenny: Oh, I don't know, baby. You have to let me check my book and I'll get back to you. You see, I wanna make sure I can give you my undivided attention.
Carlton: Actually Will, he's better than you.
Kenny: I mean look at you. You got it going on. You got sweet hips, lips and finger tips. (a beautiful girl walks by) But baby got back! (to Ashley) Bye, baby. (while running towards the other girl) Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute!
Carlton: Look, I know my sister needs me, but that girl is babe-a-licious!
Will: Carlton, I think you know what you have to do.
Carlton: I know, but still, I would have like to have been there for Ashley. (runs after the beautiful girl)
Ashley: Kenny ran after that girl.
Will: Kenny is a different case.
Ashley: Carlton ran after the same girl.
Will: Well, Carlton is a basket case.
(A hot chick just passed by Will)
Will: Girl. I know your feet must be tired 'cause you been running through my mind all day. Come 'ere!

Hilary Gets a JobEdit

Will: I need 30 seconds on the air to talk about why the rec center shouldn't be torn down,and I don't care if I got to force my way on the set to get it.
Patti: Let me get this straight. You want to storm the set, disrupt a live newscast, and jeopardize the credibility of this station?
Will: Yes.
Patti: Will you be needing wardrobe?

Mama's Baby, Carlton's MaybeEdit

Priest: And if there's anyone here who feels this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
[Will barges in, thinking Carlton is the groom]
Will: Stop, man! Don't do it! You don't even know if the baby is yours!
Bride: How did you know I'm havin' a baby?!
Groom: What?! You havin' a baby?!
Will: [walks up to the couple; calmly] Whoa. Yo. Hey. Look, my fault, y'all. See, my cousin was supposed to... [to the groom] Hey, congratulations, man. [to the bride] So, you havin' his baby. What a wonderful way to say how much I love you, huh?

Carlton: [about Cindy] She left me. I got the feeling she didn't wanna live with me.
Will: What made you think that?
Carlton: She said she didn't wanna live with me.
Will: Aw, man. I mean, she can't just walk out on you like that. What if the kid is yours?
Carlton: He's not.
Will: Carlton, come on. Just because the baby is cute doesn't mean you're not the father.
Carlton: I never slept with her. Look, since we're in a church, I feel the need to confess something. Please don't laugh. This is really hard for me to say. I'm a... A... [muffles the last word he says]
Will: You a German?
Carlton: No. I'm a virgin.
Will: What?
Carlton: I'm a virgin!
Groom: [sets off for home] It's nice to know somebody still is!

P.S. I Love YouEdit

Vivian: I asked him [Judge Robinson] to pass the salt and he told me to go long.
Philip: He was just kidding.
Vivian: Philip, he broke a window!
Will: If I keep the motorcycle, I'm a pimp. If I give it back, I'm a damn fool. Oh, well, pimp it is!

Here Comes the JudgeEdit

Carlton: I always knew Will was gonna be the downfall of this family, but no one ever listens to me.
Vivian: What, honey? I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.

Boyz in the WoodsEdit

Philip: Okay, okay. We can't stay here. We'll freeze to death. Just get all the stuff out of the back seat and we'll... we'll go ahead on foot. Get out of the car.
Will: But you just...
Philip: Get out of the damn car!
Carlton: For a long time it gave me nightmares, having to witness an injustice like that. It was a constant reminder of how unfair this world can be. I can still hear them taunting him. "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids." ...How come they just couldn't give him some cereal?!
Carlton: (speaking into his tape recorder) Carlton's log. Will has been reduced to a pathetic shell of his former self. I, on the other hand, have the strength of 10 men!
Will: Will's log...(pulls a tree branch off the ground) is about to connect with Carlton's head!!
Phil: Will! You were supposed to secure everything to the luggage rack.
Will: I did! Ohhhhhh wait, this ain't the Volvo!
Trevor: How dare you. Do you have any idea who I am?
Jazz: A really bad cook?
Trevor: I've never been so humiliated in all my life. Blind people recognize me.
Will: How are we supposed to build a fire, Uncle Phil? It's snowing outside, all the wood's soaking wet.
Carlton: Then we'll freeze to death! I don't wanna die! I wanna go to college and poke fun at all the kids on financial aid! I wanna see Karate Kid 17!

(It's snowing while they're lost in the woods without camping equipment)

Philip: This is a good time for us to band together to show what we're made of.
Will: Does Bigfoot have to come down here with a chainsaw before you admit we're in trouble!?

A Night at the OprahEdit

(Philip's election video)
Philip: Hi. I'm Philip Banks, and I'm running for superior court ju-ju-judge. Ju-ju-judge.
(cut to a clip of Philip dancing at the New Year's Eve Party)
Philip: What the hell is that?!
Vivian: [amused] That was our New Year's Eve party.
Will: Oh, oh, Uncle Phil, I just put in a couple of old home movies, you know, to show your human side. It gets better. Check it out.
Philip: [in video] If you put me on the bench, I'll take a real bite outta crime! Bi-bi-bite! Bi-bi-bite! Bite!
(cut to a clip of Philip eating pizza repeatedly)
Philip: Vote for Philip Banks! Philip Banks! Philip Banks! Philip Banks!
Will: (whoops excitingly; hoots ala Arsenio Hall) Emmy!
Will: My next question is for Mr. Banks: Mr. Banks, would you let your nephew come to The Oprah Winfrey Show, or make him fly all the way to Chicago for nothin', sit in the audience, and embarass him in front of his girl -- (looks at camera) Hi, LaTeesha. [looks at Philip again] Huh?
[Philip glares at Will with a preturbed look]
Philip: My God. Is that Will?
Vivian: No, Philip, it's Richard Nixon in a Will mask.
Carlton: No, Mom. I think that's really Will!
Audience Member: If you ask me your whole damn family is crazy.
Will: I'm not going blow up. If this was in Philly, it might have to be something, but we're on T.V., I'm just gonna chill.
Audience Member: And if your mama sent you out there to live with them, then she's crazy too.
Will: Man, nobody talks about my mama!

Asses to AshesEdit

Will: (to Hilary) For you, Self magazine, Shape magazine, and Sassy magazine. (to Carlton) And for you sir, Elf magazine, Ape magazine, and Sissy magazine.
(Judge Robinson's Funeral)
Man at Funeral: The jerk sentenced me to 6 months in jail for a crime I didn't commit. I'm just here to make sure he DEAD!
Philip: Thank you. Anyone else?
Gardener: Yeah, he hired me to weed his garden. When it came time for him to pay me, he called immigration, on me!
Philip: Gracias.
Trevor: Philip, how do you feel after losing to Judge Robertson?
Philip: Well, once when I was little, I zipped my pants up too fast. Let's just say this brings back memories.

A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the ForumEdit

Will: HELP! HELP! Damn, y'all, I said HELP! Is there a doctor in the parking lot?
Doctor: I'm a doctor.
Will: Oh, thank god. Look, doc, I got a lady in here having a baby. Yeah, you just got to go over that car. Oh, yeah, that's cool. Alright... Wait! Yo! Look out! Don't, man! [a crash is heard] Is there a doctor for the doctor?!

The Cold WarEdit

Carlton: Why don't you act like an adult?
Will: Why don't you look like one?
Philip: Oh, my God.
Vivian: What is it? A boy or a girl?
Philip: This isn't a sonogram. It's a bill for $25,000. This baby's costing me a fortune.
Will: Congratulations, you're having a Hilary!

Mommy NearestEdit

Janice: Frank, honey, I think it's time to change Frank, Jr.
Frank: Okay, babe. You know what, you look a little tired. Why don't you come and lay down, and I'll rub your feet for a little while.
Janice: Thanks, baby.
Helen: That does it, I'm getting me a white man.

Winner Takes OffEdit

(After Hillary correctly guesses a question on Geoffrey's "Brain Storm" tape)
Will: Hold up, Hold up, Time-out Time-out, flag on the play, traveling, offsides, clipping. What up with this here?
Carlton: Hillary, how'd you know that?
Hillary: Easy, Geoffrey's been watching that Brain Storm tape all day.
(After Will and Carlton trick Geoffrey into thinking he won the lottery)
Geoffrey: Young Ashley, how does a Mercedes sound?
Ashley: Vroom, vroom?
Geoffrey: Very clever. I'll get you two.
Hilary: Vroom, vroom, vroom!
Geoffrey: Nice try!
Philip: You did what?! Are you out of your horny, little adolescent minds?
Carlton: I know I am.

(As the two fake sadness)

Will: This is my little brother, Carlton! He knows we can't afford new clothes so he just doesn't grow!
Carlton: (To Geoffrey) Daddy! I wanna grow!
Geoffrey: (To people in restaurant) These aren't my children!
Will: Is it our fault you never married Mom? I know she embarrassed you! She only had one arm! And whenever you two would go to concerts, she'd clap like this (slaps left hand on neck)

Robbing the BanksEdit

[The family comes home and Will is the first to discover the living room is completely empty; Will screams]
Ashley: What happened in here?
Will: We was robbed!
Hilary: Oh, my God! What did they take?!
Will: Tell me there's a baseball in this case.
Carlton: It's empty.
Will: I guess you weren't listening!
Philip: What baseball?
Will: (in Hispanic accent) What baseball? Well, baseball sport where man with stick hit ball and run. Sorta like this. (he tries to escape the empty living room, but Philip catches him by the shirt)

Bundle of JoyEdit

(Will speaking to Ashley and Hilary in the kitchen)
Will: You know, I used to think the only reason to kill a man was self-defense, but I just spent 45 minutes in the Volvo with another reason.
(Carlton then walks into the kitchen dressed and acting like a mime)
Hilary: What's wrong with him?
Will: This idiot is taking a mime class.
(Carlton continues his mime act directly towards Will, pulling on a rope)
Will: Carlton, get... I swear to God, Carlton, get away from me with this. Stop. Stop playing. Carlton, stop or I'll hang you with that rope!
(Carlton mimes himself being hanged by a rope)
Will: All right, that's it. That's it.
(Will throws Carlton, out the kitchen into the garden and locks the kitchen door)
Will: I was going to throw him out on the freeway... but you know the old saying: A mime is a terrible thing to waste.
Will: Carlton, say something to the baby.
Carlton: Never let Will borrow money... even if he begs and he will.
Will: (talking into recorder} That's your brother, Carlton. You'll recognize him. He'll be the one at eye level.
(Hilary and Carlton walk into the kitchen)
Will: (talking into recorder) And here come your two siblings, Dopey and Greedy.
(Will gets sound bites from the family for tape recorder)
Phillip: I'm eating.
Will: (talking into recorder) You'll hear that a lot.
Phillip: You're grounded.
Will: (talking into recorder) Well, that about sums up Uncle Phil.

The Best Laid PlansEdit

Will: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, Jean Claude Van Damn [Damme], I'm fine!

The Alma MatterEdit

(Tom Jones shows Carlton what life for his family would be like without him)
Carlton: What happened? And where's Mom?
Tom: Well, without you, your family was defenseless against Will. They started to focus on happiness instead of success. You mother ran away with the milk man, your father quit his practice to paint, Ashley does nothing but dance all day and Hilary just does her hair. Well, maybe not everything changed.
Philip: My dining club is what made me what I am today.
(Will opens his mouth and closes it)
Will: Nah. Too easy.

Just Say YoEdit

Carlton: Can't I get moved to another room? I have a reputation to maintain, what about when I go into political office?
Nurse: I'll tell you the same thing I told the last guy who asked me that. Just tell them you didn't inhale.
Will (wearing a tuxedo for the prom, sleeping on the living room couch and talking in his sleep): I just want to thank Bill and Hillary Clinton, for inviting me to the inauguration.
Carlton: Will, wake up.
Will: Yo, man. Go away.
Carlton: Will, this is the Senior prom. Also known as "Guaranteed Action Night".
Will: Rack 'em up!
Will (to his prom date, while imitates a police siren): Whooooooo, somebody call a cop 'cause it got to be illegal to look that good.
Will: I had basketball practice and school, and this guy gave me these pills to help me stay awake, and then Carlton... all I know is that somebody very close to me could be dead right now, and it'd be all my fault.
Carlton [about his zit]: Look at my face.
Will: Man, we're eating.
Carlton: I have a big zit.
Philip: Carlton, we're eating.

The Baby Comes OutEdit

(There is a blackout in the elevator)
Will: Uncle Phil, is that you?
Unidentified man: No, but you have really soft hands.
Will: Mommy!
(A worker is repairing the elevator)
Philip: (shouts up at the worker) Hey. Hey, how much longer before somebody gets us out of here? My wife's having a baby.
Worker: She ain't in there with you, is she?
Philip: No.
Worker: Good, because I'm going on a break.
Philip: What?! (everyone shouts at him)
Worker: Just kiddin'. A little elevator humor there. Oh, man. All right, I'll get you out of there as soon as I can.
Janice: What happened to Hilary?
Vy: (runs back to the doorway to fetch Hilary) Hilary Violet Banks! GET YO' BUTT IN HERE!!
(she drags Hilary inside, and they walk up to the nurse, whose hand has been severely injured by Vivian's big grip)
Nurse: My hand!
Carlton: I'm pretty sure Mom's been here.
[Everyone in the living room is annoyed by the sound of Vivian's bell]
Will, Philip, Carlton, Hilary, Ashley, Vy, and Janice: [all scream] STOP WITH THE DAMN BELL!!!!!
(A man smokes a cigarette in the elevator)
Philip: Excuse me, sir. Would you mind putting out that cigarette?
Man: (takes his cigarette out of his mouth) Hey, It's a free country. (Continues smoking)
Philip: That's right. It certainly is. But it's against the law to smoke cigarettes in elevators.
(the man blows smoke into Philip's face; Philip takes the cigarette out of his mouth, breaks it in half, and stomps on it)
Will: That's right, boy, there's a new Jack city. (to Philip) You da man! You da man! (elevator shuts down) You da big man that broke the elevator.
Ashley: Poor Mom.
Will: Poor Mom? Poor me! I saw Uncle Phil naked! And he was running!
Vivian: Philip!
Philip: Vivian?!
Vivian: Philip!!
Philip: VIVIAN!!!
Will: WILMA!!!

You Bet Your LifeEdit

Will: Come on, Uncle Phil. Shamon!
Will: I'm starving. (dials number on car phone; imitates Tony Montana) Ya, dis is Tony Montana! I just see your billboard on da highway. If you know what's good for you, you bring me large pepperoni with anchovies on it!

Ain't No Business Like Show BusinessEdit

Will: Girl, you look so good, I'd marry your brother just to get in your family.
(At a comedy club's showcase where Will's jokes bomb)
Hilary: Will's really bombing up there. We should do something.
Carlton: Good idea. Boo, get off the stage, we want our money back, go back where you came from.

The Way We WereEdit

Philip: Vivian's gonna kill me.
Will: Calm down, Uncle Phil. You're winning a lot of points with this second marriage thing. I'm sure whatever you did, Aunt Viv will forgive you.
Philip: I lost the wedding ring.
Will: I see. Where shall we scatter the ashes?

Six Degrees of GraduationEdit

Mrs. Bassin: (while playing musical Jeopardy!) The answer is a clef.
Will: Oh! What is, that thing that Michael Jackson had built into his chin?
Woman: That's my Jessie, the one with the braids.
Jazz: That's my Will, the one with the mustache.
Philip: Since when do you take care of the babies?
Jazz: Babies? I'm supposed to take care of Hilary.
[Philip tosses Jazz out again]

Season FourEdit

Where There's a Will, There's a Way (1)Edit

Philip: [sees Ashley with another guy] Hold it. Hold it. Who do we have here?
Ashley: We met at the mall.
Philip: What's your name, son?
Guy: This.
[he hands a picture to Philip, to looks at it]
Philip: This is a stick with a snake wrapped around it.
Guy: It's a symbol. Like Prince?
Philip: Prince Who?
Guy: See? That's exactly why fathers ain't allowed at the mall.
[Philip writes something on the paper and hands it back to the guy]
Guy: What's this thing?
Philip: It's a symbol for GET OUTTA MY HOUSE!!!
[the guy leaves]

Philip: [to Will as he walks in the room] Excuse me! Is this what you've been tellin' my boy?!
Will: What?
Philip: That life is one big orgy?!
[he starts backing Will and Carlton into a corner]
Philip: Well, college is hard work, son. Followed by a family, which is even more hard work! And a teenage daughter who doesn't wanna be seen with you in public! And a wife! A wife who won't let you anywhere near her! And a butler! A butler who may be the father of your child! And a gardener! A GUARD...!!
Carlton: DAD! DAD!

Where There's a Will, There's a Way (2)Edit

Hilary: It's a Bungee jump proposal!
Phil: Oh, please. Whatever happened to getting down on one knee?
Hilary: Daddy, that's for old fogies.
Phil: I got down on one knee.
Geoffrey: Sustained!

Trevor (on TV; proposes to Hilary): Hilary Banks!
Hilary: Yes, Trevor?!
Trevor: Will you marry me?! (slams to the ground)
Will: I ain't no bungee expert or nothin', but I don't think he's supposed to be slammin' into the ground like that.
Hilary: "Please Stand By"? Great, the president's about to interrupt my marriage proposal.
Philip: Let's just pray that Trevor's okay. (later, after returning from Trevor's funeral) It was a lovely service.
Will: Trevor didn't look so bad for a dude that had a concrete facelift.
Carlton: Fool, like that was his real head.

All Guts, No GloryEdit

Will: I'm taking... [looks at his class schedule] ...Western Pornography.
Carlton: [looks at schedule] Western Philosophy.
Philip: Western Philosophy, I'm impressed.
Carlton: He doesn't even know what Western Philosophy is.
Will: I do, too. It asks questions like, "Did anybody really think Kool Moe Dee was a cowboy?" (singing) The Wild Wild West. The Wild Wild West.
Carlton: (singing) I used to live downtown, on 29... (stops singing)

Philip: The man [his old college professor] changed my life. And you know how he did? He challenged me.
Will: To what, a pie eating contest?

Will: (referring to his Western Philosophy teacher) Hey Sting, kick some lyrics, man.

Will: Sure thing, Skippy.

Will: (referring to his Western Philosophy teacher) Ay, Skippy, the Garth Brooks concert must be over, huh?

Carlton: Carlton the peacock says "Don't be a quitter. Pick up your litter."
(Carlton is knocked down by a student)
Carlton: Come on guys, help me up.
Will: Yeah, we need clean-up in aisle five. There's some bird droppings.

Father of the YearEdit

(Will and Jackie are quarrelling; they start shouting the same words simultaneously)
Will & Jackie: You ain't ever gonna change! I'm getting the last word! No, you're not! Oh, yes, I am! Damn!!
Philip: You know, Will, if you had pulled a stunt like this when you were in high school, there's no telling what I would do. For starters, I would do this.
(Philip sits on top of Will's lap, causing him to scream in agony as the show ends)
Carlton: Big poopie.
[Philip walks up to Carlton]
Philip: What did you say?
Carlton: I say... Uh... Beg, puppy. To my pretend dog, Ernie. (doing the throwing the ball hand movement) Fetch, Ernie. He's gone now.

It's Better to Have Loved and Lost It...Edit

Jazz: My first time was with a girl from the projects. Best 50 bucks I ever spent...
Carlton: (singing Kenny Rogers' The Gambler) You got to know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away...
Will: Don't know when to shut up.

Will Goes a-Courtin'Edit

Carlton: Steffi, go home. You're not age appropriate for this party. (Carlton puts on duck floatie) I'm going swimming.

Will: I'm from West Philadelphia, born and raised. On the playground is where I spend most of my days. I ain't got no fancy court room talk or a law degree from Princeton like my worthy adversary Judge Philip Banks. But what I do have is the truth! (slams palms on table in front of Philip)
Philip: Oh, shut up, Will! Your Honor, this man is making a mockery of the entire legal system!
Will: And this man is making a mockery of an finely-cut Italian suit!

Will: O.K., Miss Banks. You were the former tenant of the aforementioned pool house. Is that correct?
Hilary: Yes.
Will: O.K., could you please tell us of your experiences there?
Hilary: Am I under oath?
Judge: Of course.
Hilary: Well, Trevor would come over at about 3:00 in the morning and we would...
Will, Philip and Carlton: Objection!

(Will gives Philip a handshake)
Phil: I don't want your hand, I want my rent.
Will: Oh, come on, Uncle Phil. Haven't you learned anything from all of this?
Phil: Yeah, never rent from relatives.

Hex and the Single GuyEdit

Jazz: Hey, Dad. Now that I'm gonna be in the family, maybe we can talk about my trust fund.
Philip: What did you say?
Hilary: Jazz and I are getting married.
Philip: Over his dead body.
Hilary: Doesn't anyone care about how I feel?
Everyone else: No!

Will: (knocks on the door and it opens with no one there) Oh, we definitely need one of them in the girl's locker room.

Blood is Thicker than MudEdit

Will: Carlton, do you realize that they're workin' you harder than everybody else?
Carlton: Nonsense. We all had to repave the parking lot.
Will: Yeah, but the rest of us gotta wear shoes.

Will: And in the words of my illustrious cousin, I'm-a make like a tree and leave.
Carlton: I never say that. It's make like a banana and split.
Will: Okay. I'll keep that mind. [laughs]

Fresh Prince After DarkEdit

Hilary (about posing for Playboy): I am 24 years old and I can make my own decisions. Besides, Mom said it was OK.
Philip (sounding furious): Oh yeah? Vivian! So you said your daughter could pose for Playboy?
Vivian: No, I said I didn't like it, but I also said she's a grown woman and its her choice.
Philip: I want to talk to you about something. It's about my daughter posing for your magazine. Now, suppose your daughter got involved in this whole world?
Hefner: My daughter is involved in this whole world. She runs the Playboy empire.
Philip: OK, well, then lets say someone you really care about... like your wife. Suppose she decided to pose?
Hefner: Well, my wife was the playmate of the year and I'm very proud of that.
Philip: Don't you understand there are some parents who aren't comfortable with their daughters being stared at by millions of people?
Hefner: I understand. Over the years, I've had to deal with a lot of parents. You seem like a decent man. I promise you: the pictures will be tasteful.
Will: I guess I can kiss heaven goodbye because it has got to be sin to look this good.

Home is Where the Heart Attack IsEdit

Philip: Come on people, I weigh the same I weighed back in high school.
Will: Yeah, if you add up all 4 years.

Carlton: Look, I don't wanna see my father with tubes up his nose, okay?!
Will: Carlton, there's gonna come a time when all he has is tubes up his nose.
Carlton: Not my father!!
Will: Everybody's father! Except mine, cause I don't know where the hell he is!!

Philip: Would you do me a favor, Will?
Will: Uncle Phil, we are not stoppin' fa' no burger!
Philip: No. No. No. Would you tell Carlton to look after the family just in case this is my last ride?
Will: Your last ride? Whatcha talkin' 'bout, man? We gonna go for plenty o' rides in ambulances, man.

Take My Cousin -- PleaseEdit

Hilary: I can't stand the sight of his mole!
Will: You're making a mountain out of a mole, Hil!

Philip: Geoffrey, fetch me my tools.
Geoffrey: You mean your knife and fork?

Will: If you walk out on Scott now this could haunt you for the rest of your life.
Hillary: What do you mean?
Will: Well, you might never go out again. You'll become one of them crazy old women who walk around all day with a shower cap on, with an ol' raggedy halter top that says "Jam!". Then you gonna start wearing rhinestone gauchos. Then, just for no reason, you'll say "Dum dum de-day!". And you'll be eating neckbone sandwiches all the time and screaming at your lil' imaginary dog, Brutus. And you know what the worst part is?
Hillary: What?
Will: The only man you'll get is some fool named Grady. He'll be smelling like menthol all the time and falling asleep in his soup.

You've Got to Be a Football HeroEdit

Carlton: Freeze! Will, what the heck do you think you're doing?! You can't drink!
Will: Why not?!
Carlton: Because you're underage! It's against the law, mister!
Will: Thank you, McGruff the Crime Dog.
Will (to Jackie): You know Hank Farley is not your type. You strip away the shoulder pads, the muscles & the dimples and what you got?
Jackie: You.

'Twas the Night Before ChristeningEdit

Carlton: Geoffrey, I need my Santa suit pressed. We can't have Nicky thinking Kris Kringle doesn't keep a sharp crease.
Will: Oh, but it's all right for him to think Santa's only three feet tall.

Sleepless in Bel-AirEdit

(Philip and Geoffrey are hunting a crickett)

Philip: Now I know how Captain Ahab felt when he hunted Moby Dick.
Geoffrey: Between the two of you sir, is the cricket the whale?

Ashley: Come on, Daddy, 10 years? The Menendez boys will be out before I am.
Philip: The Menendez boys were home by their curfew.

Philip: Good night, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Good night, sir... idiot

Will: Seeing how this is your first real date, I think there's a couple things you need to know. Listen, if you gonna hold the popcorn, you hold it UP in plain sight. So when he go reaching for the bucket, he don't miss, talkin' 'bout, 'oops'.
Hillary: And stop at that gas station and make sure that tank is full.
Carlton: And if he tells you to pull his finger, don't do it.

Ashley pulls Carlton's finger.

Will: (covering his nose) Oh, man.....

Carlton: Will, let me tell you a story about The Grasshopper and the Ant.
Will: Carlton, I really don't feel like hearing about you and your little friends, okay?
Carlton: Just listen. See, the grasshopper goofed off while the ant worked hard storing food for the winter. And when the winter came, the ant had food, but the grasshopper starved to death. You know what the moral of the story is?
Will: Yep, even if we were insects, I'd be bigger than you.

Carlton: Hey, you wanna hear a little chemistry rhyme?
Will: No, not really.
Carlton: Here... little Timmy took a drink, but he will drink no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4! That's how I remembered the equation for sulfuric acid.
Will: Look. I got one, I got one. Little Carlton was a boy whose body was short and stumpy. He'd never shut his mouth, so I kicked his little rumpy!

Philip: I can't stand it. This chirping is burning a hole STRAIGHT into my skull.
Geoffrey: There she blows, capitain! By the table! By the table!

Philip runs over close to the windows and smashes pillows thinking he killed the cricket because the chriping stopped. But, while running, he ran over the cable that runs Carlton's laptop (who is finishing his homework), causing it to shut off.

Philip: I got him! I killed that little sucker!

The chriping resumes.

Philip: Where'd you last put the insecticide?
Geoffrey: In your soup.

Carlton: I thought you were in bed.
Will: Yeah, you also thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Ashley: Why are you guys still up? You're making it really hard for me to sneak in.
Will: Ashley, you know full well if you wanna sneak past Uncle Phil, you don't go through the kitchen.

Vivian: You can't stop little girls from growing up.
Phil: I can, and I will!

Carlton is tapping his fingers on the table, Will stares at him.

Carlton: Sorry, nervous habit.

Carlton opens a bag of chips and chews loudly, Will takes the bag and hits Carlton on the head.

Will: Sorry, nervous habit!

Will: Ding, dong, the cricket's dead, Ashley's grounded, now you can all go to bed!

Will: Ashley, listen to me. Guys are only after two things,-
Ashley: (interrupting) I thought they were only after one thing?
Will: Yeah, but they wanna do it more than once...

Philip: You're grounded for 10 years.
Ashley: Daddy?
Philip: Or whenever you move out the house, whichever comes first.
Ashley: But that's not fair.
Philip: Tell it to the judge. Oh, That's me. (passes a plant and the chirping stops) I killed the cricket!
Geoffrey: (sarcastic) Ah, what a horrible death!

Who's the BossEdit

Will: You know what they say: Behind every successful man is a woman... or if you want to switch positions that's okay with me, too.

I Know Why the Caged Bird ScreamsEdit

Will: He'll be there or my name isn't...

[Scene changes: Peacock Mascot Carlton is trapped in a room in a birdcage]

Carlton: WILL!

When You Hit Upon a StarEdit

Will: You know what Uncle Phil? I really think I loved her.
Philip: Really? Bull! You didn't love her! It's the life style you were in love with.
Will: So you're saying I only loved her for her money and what she could do for me? Then, I love you too, Uncle Phil!

Stop Will! In the Name of LoveEdit

Will: Some guy's going to try to be all over you like cheese on a Big Mac.
Ashley: Well, maybe I like cheese!
Will: How do you know you like something if you've never had it? Please tell me you ain't had no cheese, Ashley.
Ashley: (loudly) No, but if I want to have sex! [people stare at Ashley and Will] I do not need your approval!
Will: It-it's cheese, Ashley.

Will: Oh, don't give me that innocent boy, look routine! I invented that routine! And you just a bad little dog! Ooh, shame.

Will: (scoffs) Does this look a place to have fun? I don't think so. Ain't nobody gonna have some fun around here! Not you, not me, not her!
Samantha: And definitely not me! Goodbye, Will!
Will: Hey, hey, come back! Ooh, what is her name?!

You'd Better Shop AroundEdit

[Will, Carlton and Philip search for a new car]
Carlton: Now remember, Will, we're looking for something that emphasizes good sense over style and excitement.
Will: How about a '94 You?

Philip: [eats what seems to be a cake] Mmm. This fat-free cake isn't bad, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Sir, that's a sponge.

The Ol' Ball and ChainEdit

The Harder They FallEdit

M is for the Many Things She Gave MeEdit

Will: Uncle Phil, you cannot go to dinner with Mrs. Robinson.
Phil: Why not?
Will: Look, Uncle Phil, I was dropping Wendy off at the hotel last night then Mrs. Robinson went to put on something more comfortable and she asked me about the earthquake experiences. Then, she showed me pictures of her at Lake Tacancowa then, before I knew I knew it... ta-dow.
Philip: Ta-dow?
Will: Taaaaaa-dow.

(Everyone turns around and looks shocked)

Ashley: Ashley, go to your room.
Carlton: Oh, I love this.
Ashley: And take Carlton with you.
Carlton: I'm not going anywhere.
Philip: You heard what I said.

Mother's DayEdit

Will: For Mother's Day, I got my baby shoes bronzed. (Show's his baby shoes are adult sized)
Ashley: These are your baby shoes?
Will: Well, you know what they say about guys with big feet?
Ashley: No, what?

:(Philip glares at Will)

Will: They be like, damn, you got some big feet.

Papa's Got a Brand-New ExcuseEdit

Phillip: If you'll excuse me, I think I'll skip dinner. I don't have much of an appetite.
Geoffrey: Should I call 911?

[after Lou leaves]
Philip: I'm sorry, Will.
Will: You know what? This actually works out better for me. You know, the slimmies of summer come to class wearin' next to nothing, y'know what I'm sayin'?
Philip: Will, it's all right to be angry.
Will: Hey, why should I be mad? At least he said goodbye this time. I just wish I hadn't wasted my money buying him this stupid present.
Philip: I'm sorry. If there was something I can do--
Will: Hey, y'know what, you ain't got to do nothin', Uncle Phil. You know, ain't like I'm still 5 years old, you know? Ain't like I'ma be sittin' every night asking my mom: "when's daddy comin' home," you know? Who needs him? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned, didn't I? And I got pretty damn good at it too, didn't I, Uncle Phil?
Philip: Yeah, you did.
Will: Got through my first date without him. Right. I learned how to drive, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without him. I had 14 great birthdays without him! He never even sent me a damn card! THE HELL WITH HIM!!!
Will: I didn't need him then, I don't need him now.
Philip: Will...
Will: No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'ma get through college without him, I'ma get a great job without him, I'ma marry me a beautiful honey, and I'ma have me a whole bunch of kids. I'ma be a better father than he ever was, and I sure as hell don't need him for that, 'cause there ain't a damn thing he could ever teach me about how to love my kids!
[long pause]
Will: [breaks down] How come he don't want me, man?
[the two share a tearful embrace]

For Sale by OwnerEdit

Philip: So, I have an ugly side.
Geoffrey: And you could write "Good Year" on it.

Will: Hey, Ashley, you didn't tell me that dude blew in your ear.
Philip: Me, either.
Ashley: Uh... I embellished?

The Philadelphia StoryEdit

[Will is about to go fight a long time bully]
Will: C'mon, Carlton, let's go!
Carlton: I thought you said you wanted to do it alone.
Will: I do. If I win, I need a witness. If I lose, you're my blood type.

When confronting his former bully, Omar...
Will: Listen, man, you've kicked me off this court for the last time!
Omar: I don't even remember kicking you off the first time.
Will: You really don't remember me?
Omar: No.
Will: Hey, can I borrow that ball? (he takes a basketball from one of Omar's friends) Let me give you a little hint. (he hits Omar in the head with the ball)
Omar: Oh, I remember you now. But I'm not like that anymore.
Will: Really? You still look like that same bald-headed punk to me.
Omar: Oh, yeah, I remember you. You're the chicken sandwich guy.
Will: I AM NOT A CHICKEN! My momma made me move. My momma made me move. I'd never leave Philly. I love it here.
Omar: So do I. That's why I started talking to the kids so that they won't make the same mistakes I did.
Will You sound like an after-school special. But that's not gonna do anything about my rep. (he gets in a fighting stance) Let's go right now and I'm not taking "no" for an answer.
Omar: You have no choice.
(He leaves. As he and his friends walk away, Will approaches the fence.)
Will: Oh yeah? You so stupid, you thought a quarterback was a refund. And you're so ugly, that when you were born, the doctor slapped both your parents. And your mom, oh my goodness. She's like a doorknob, everybody's had a turn.
(Omar and his friends turn around.)
Will: I guess the mom's the red button.
(Omar approaches Will.)
Will: Alright, let's go. Come on. (He tucks his head with hands.)
Omar: Look, I know what you're trying to do, but I'm not going to hit you.
Will: (get up) Then, I'll tell everyone you're a punk.
Omar: Be my guest.
Will: What about your rep?
Omar: You see those guys? (points at his friends) That's my rep. Brother, you need to grow up.
(Omar and his friends leave. Will leaves the court and walks past a garbage can.)
???: Will!
(Will jumps, then sees Carlton, hiding in the can.)
Carlton: Let me know if you need me.

Will: (on the phone) Hey, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Hey, Will, are you calling from the plane?
Will: Actually, I'm not on the plane.
Philip: Oh, did you miss your flight?
Will: Sort of.
Philip: Then, when are you coming back?
Will: I'm not.
(Following the conversation, the show's logo appears, reading "The Fresh Prince of Philadelphia?")

Season FiveEdit

What's Will Got to Do With It? (1) [5.1]Edit

Man: What does this contract say?
Will: Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Man: That's right. Not Philadelphia. Bel-Air.
Will: Well, you see--
Man: Get in the van!
[The man throws Will into the van]
Man: Yo, homes, to Bel-Air.

Philip: I'm going to be watching you like a shadow!
Will: With you, it would be more of an eclipse, huh?

The Client (2) [5.2]Edit

Reality Bites [5.3]Edit

Will: I mean Dougie loves everything. People, am I the only one who sees a problem with this? (singing) I love bugs and I love death. I love oozing flesh wounds!

Will: Yeah, where is Carlton? He had better have a good reason for standing Nicky up.
Carlton: Will locked me in the closet!

(Will sits at the kitchen table, Hilary enters the kitchen and throws a newspaper on the table)
Hilary: Look at this.
Will (reading newspaper): "Powerful earthquake rattles northern coast."
Hilary: Oh, boo-hoo.
(turns paper over and points to page): This.
Will: "Television personality Leeza Gibbons was shocked to learn that the woman attempting to vandalize her car was none other than rival talk show host, Hilary Banks."
Hilary: (groans)
Will: "Banks, seen here, wielding a potato..."
Hilary: Wielding? I was not wielding, I was rubbing.
I rubbed that damn potato all over Leeza's car and it didn't even make a scratch.
At least they didn't catch me putting my keys in her exhaust pipe.
Will: Hilary, you were supposed to- never mind.

Hilary (aiming video camera at television to record Leeza Gibbons' show): Geoffrey?! Geoffrey?!! Geoffrey!!!
Geoffrey: You answered, Miss Hilary?
Hilary: I have been calling you for fifteen minutes. Didn't you hear me?
Geoffrey: Yes, but I so rarely have a woman scream my name. I was rather enjoying it.

Grumpy Young Men [5.4]Edit

Carlton (comes in the kitchen with his hands on the top of his head): Did you just put super glue in my hair gel?
Will: That's what you get for stealing my girl.
Carlton: I didn't have to steal her. She was bored with you, so that she has to come to a real man.
Will: So, what you're saying is that I'm not a real man?
Carlton: You got that right. It's like this "Hey, baby, (doing his pelvic thrust) bahk, bahk, stuff". It worked in high school, but now, it's just embarrassing!
Will: Take it easy there, stumpy.
Carlton: And you know what? I'm also getting tired of the short jokes. I'm average height.
Will: For a woman!
Carlton: I'm large enough for Valerie.

Fresh Prince: The Movie [5.5]Edit

Will: Uncle Phil. Hey man, what are you doing here?
Philip: I'll tell you what I'm doing here. Years ago, I fell in love with and married a wonderful woman named Vivian. Vivian had a sister named Vy. Vy gave birth to a child named Will, whose sole purpose in life is to make mine a living Hell! Now, you have done a lot to me these last 4 years, but how you managed to have me ripped out of my wonderful life in Bel-Air and relocated to this landfill boggles my mind!

Will: Look, Jazz, I just don't feel comfortable telling you anymore, man. Who knows? Your life could be in danger.
Jazz: What life? I'm a married man.

Mob Killer: If I were you, I'd run.
Will: If you were me, you'd be good looking.

Will's Misery [5.6]Edit

Carlton: You can't understand and respect women because you're not in touch with your feminine side.
Will: And you know what your problem is? You're not in touch with anybody's feminine side.

Father Knows Best [5.7]Edit

Will: (to Ashley) Don't tell me, 'cause if I know I can't say that I don't know when you get busted and Uncle Phil starts rounding up the usual suspects. And I am the usual suspects.

Miss Sharpe: Come closer.
Will: Heyyyyyyyy.
Miss Sharpe: That's a fake mustache.
Will: No, it's not!
Miss Sharpe [takes off the mustache off]: Yes, it is!
Will: No, it's not!
Miss Sharpe: Look, I don't know who you are, but I'm calling your real parents right now.
Ashley: Will...
Will: It's not!

Sooooooooul Train [5.8]Edit

(Will sees Carlton dancing.)
Will: Carlton, what's wrong? Are you having a Malox moment?
Carlton: I'm getting ready for Soul Train. I believe there's dancing involved.
Will: Two things. One: That's not dancing. And two: I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from the show.
Carlton: And why, pray tell, is that?
Will: Again, two things, Carlton. One: Because you say stuff like "pray tell". And two: You're gonna embarrass me when I become the new co-host.

Will: You see, Soul Train's been looking for a co-host for months, and so far no one's worked out.
Carlton: And they're gonna give you the job based on your love for Don Cornelius dolls?
Will: [annoyed] It's not a doll, it's an action figure! And you've got no business being on the Soul Hyundai, let alone the Soul Train.

Love Hurts [5.9]Edit

(After scuffle in Bowling alley)

Lisa: Will, I've been meaning to tell you that I'm a--
Will: A what!? A Power Ranger!?
Lisa: No, I've been studying self-defense. Did I do something wrong?
Will: Yes, you did. I was just about to retaliate.
Lisa: Baby, you were on the floor.
Will: That's how I fight!
Lisa: Let's just get back to the game.
Will: Fine!
(Will attempts to roll the ball, but it slips and hits another man in the chest.)

(Jazz pulls out a small thin book from his pocket)
Jazz [to Will]: I give you... The Hoodlum Pages. Okay, let's see here.
(Jazz flips through the pages)
Jazz: Counterfeiters... Extortionists... Car Salesmen... Ah, here. Guys who take dives...
(Jazz hands Will the book and he scans the page.)
Will: Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me, that this guy will let someone hit him ten times for $40?
Jazz: Mention this ad and he'll throw in a head-butt.
Will: Oh, okay, so this dude come down to the Peacock, stir up a little fray, I take him down and Lisa and everybody think I'm a hero. Aight, thanks, man. Hey, by the way, where'd you get this?
Jazz: I stole it.

Will's Up a Dirt Road [5.10]Edit

Will: I call it, "Celebrity Houses, At Night!"
News Publisher: Hmm, very interesting.
Will: Cause see, here's Bob Barker drinking some coffee in the bathroom.
News Publisher: Er...
Will: And here's Gene Simmons frying his underwear on a barbecue grill.
News Publisher: Um, that's lovely.
Will: And here's Jay Leno pouring some coffee in the sewer.
News Publisher: Oh, my god!

Will Steps Out [5.11]Edit

Lisa: Will?
Will (wearing a fat suit): Well, it ain't Fat Albert!

Same Game, Next Season [5.12]Edit

Hilary: What kind of idiot picks a password no one can guess?

Three's a Crowd [5.13]Edit

It's a Wonderful Lie [5.14]Edit

Philip: What are you thinking about?
Vivian: I'm just trying to recall what it felt like to be 15.
Philip: It was so long ago, how could you remember?
[Vivian scowls at her husband]
Philip: I'm just so upset, I'm saying things I don't even mean.

Ashley: You know something? This is all your fault.
Will: What is that, like the theme of this family? "When in doubt, blame Will."

Bullets Over Bel-Air [5.15]Edit

Nicky: Why do you shave and Ashley doesn't?
Will: Well, you know, because guys grow beards and some women don't.

Will: (after being shot at the bank) Hey, don't be looking at me like that. Y'all know ain't no little bullet gonna stop me. Although, I will be doing my banking by mail from now on. Knowing my luck, I might run into a disgruntled postal worker.

Philip: We can see Will, but we have to go right home after that.
Vivian: Why?
Philip: Well, apparently we're driving the nursing staff crazy.
(Hilary and a nurse walk into the room)
Hilary: I don't understand. I'm just a visitor. Why do I need medication? And what is Prozac anyway? Do you think I need this? I feel fine.

A Decent Proposal [5.16]Edit

Lisa: Will, you can be so stupid!
Will: Well, stupid is as stupid does!
Lisa: What does that have to do with anything?
Will: I don't know but the movie made a billion dollars.

Jazz: [defibrillator on hand] Check it out, Will. I'm the black dude on ER.
Lisa: Jazz, that's not a toy.
Jazz: It doesn't have to be a toy to be fun. Check this out. Clear!
[he shocks himself, and is sent rolling through the hallway]

Lisa: (to Philip) Have you ever crushed any one?

(Geoffrey appears; by now he would say something snarky about Philip's weight, but Phil glares at him and he leaves)

Vy: (about Will marrying Lisa) WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT???
Geoffrey: (enters suddenly, skipping and singing) Got to do with it! Got to do with it!

Will is From Mars... [5.17]Edit

Dr. Whitehorn: Hello, George. Wheezie.
George: Hey, Whitey.
Dr. Whitehorn: That's, uh -- That's Dr. Whitehorn.
George: Yeah, yeah, Horny. Where do you want me to sit?
Wheezie: Well?
George: Well, what?
Wheezie: He said to name three things you like about me.
George: Fine. Your mother died. Your mother's dead. Your mother ain't livin' no more.
(Will laughs then coughs when he sees Lisa glaring at him)

The Wedding Show (Psyche!) [5.18]Edit

Slum Like It... Not! [5.19]Edit

As the Will Turns [5.20]Edit

Will: I'm Young and I'm Restless. And I've only got One Life to Live, so I've got to follow my Guiding Light and search for tomorrow.

Save the Last Trance for Me [5.21]Edit

Will: Uncle Phil, be honest. When Aunt Viv was pregnant with Carlton, did she... (imitates someone drinking.)

Will: Carlton, are you sure Aunt Viv didn't... (imitates someone drinking.)

Great Mentos: May I have a volunteer.
Carlton: Oh, pick me, oh Great Mentos, pick me!
Will: Oh, shoot me, oh Great Mentos, shoot me!

(Philip barks)
Will: (to Vivian) Hey, hey, hey. Look, I'll walk him but somebody else gonna have to pooper-scoop.

To Thine Own Self Be Blue... and Gold [5.22]Edit

Cold Feet, Hot Body [5.23]Edit

Denise:(walks into kitchen) Surprise!
Will: (sees her and screams) AAAAHHHH!!!

(Lisa stares at him)

Will: I feel good!

Will: Alright, I'll do you- IT! I'll do it... I mean, I'll give you a ride- OOH!!

Will: (to Denise) We ain't gonna let you walk no 11 miles. Where's Nicky's skateboard?

Will: (to Carlton) There's a beautiful woman talking to me, but I don't expect you to understand that!

Will: Yo, Carlton, people are complaining there ain't no bacon on the BLT's.
Carlton: Who said the "B" had to stand for "bacon"? Read the damn sign!
Will: Bread, lettuce and tomato!?

Love in an Elevator [5.24]Edit

Stripper: Geoffrey? But you told me your name was Will.
Geoffrey: No, I said I was will-ing.

For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll [5.25]Edit

[Will and Carlton poke through the gifts]
Will: Oooh, I wonder what's in here? [drops and breaks the gift]
Carlton: Probably something that has to be replaced.
Will: Looka here, looka here. Look at these cute little money-sized envelopes. [extracts cash] BOOM-BYA! This is one of my favorite presents: Ben Franklin! [to the $100 bill] Excuse me, Ben, allow me to show you to your seat... [inserts the bill into his back pocket and spanks it]

Will: (last line of the season) Y'all come back now, y'hear?

Season SixEdit

Burnin' Down the HouseEdit

Geoffrey: Of all the rooms to burn in your uncle's home...(amused) the kitchen! Are you mad, boy?

:[Philip hugs Will; 3 days later, he has him in a headlock in the exact same place]

Will: Uncle Phil, are you gonna let me go anytime soon?
Philip: (calmly) No, Will.
Will: That's cool.

Philip: I am going to get to the bottom of this mishap once and for all!
[Philip starts stomping on the floor)
[Will runs downstairs panic-struck]

Get a JobEdit

Stress RelatedEdit

Bourgie Sings the BluesEdit

Carlton: (talking on the phone) What do you mean I didn't get the job? Budget problems? But I was volunteering!

Carlton: (on the phone) I can't be a Big Brother? They didn't like me? Well, you tell those little brats I don't like them either!

The Script Formerly Known AsEdit

[Philip walks in and mumbles]

Will: Would you like to buy a vowel?
Philip: This trial is gonna be the death of me. We lost another juror today.
Will: Did you look under your robe?

(Will is teaching Nicky basketball tricks)

Will: Back in Philly, I was known as Will '747' Smith.
Nicky: Why?

(Will bounces the ball, and it makes Uncle Phil drop an expensive appliance)

Will: Because I'm about to jet!

(Will runs away)

Not, I BarbecueEdit

Will: Tell me this, Doogie. How is it possible that we are losing?
Carlton: I can't pull a battle to save my life.

Not With My Cousin You Don'tEdit

Viva Lost WagesEdit

Carlton: Well, I tried to walk away but the craps table kept calling: "Carlton, Carlton." And the blackjack table said you can do it! And the slot machines just say: "Hey, you tall, handsome guy, come shake my hand!" These are ALL MY NEW FRIENDS! My God they're pumping a lot of oxygen in this room!

Carlton: I had my knife. I went into the wild. But how's a little brave supposed to survive with all these bells and whistles? Well, the madness is over. I'm Carlton again.
Will: Carlton, look. A quarter.
Carlton: WHERE!? (he crawls on the floor, looking for the quarter)
Will: You're pathetic!
Carlton: You're right, Will. I've hit rock bottom. How come you can see the quarter and I can't?
Will: Because there ain't no quarter. (he slaps Carlton in the head)

(At the roulette table)
Carlton: Come on, eight. Eight. I need an eight.
Will: Carlton, what the hell are you doing?
Carlton: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm gambling.
Will: You can't bet all your money on one number.
Dealer: And the winner is... eight.
Will: Yes, I love you man!

Will So how much are we up?
Carlton: We're not up. We're down.
Will: Wht do you mean "we"?
Carlton: Well, after I maxed out my credit cards-
Will: Carlton, you maxed out your credit cards?
Carlton: Well, yeah. I couldn't get full value for the airline tickets.
Will: You hocked our airline tickets?
Carlton: Yeah, I had to get some from your cards. Word to the wise, Will, never leave your PIN number in your wallet.
Will You stole my wallet? How much do we have?
Carlton: Whatever's on the table.
Will: Wait a minute...
(He reaches over to the table, but the dealer slaps his hand.)
Dealer And the winner is... eight...
Will: YES!
Dealer: ...teen.
Will: NO! Wait, that says eighteen. We got eight. We should get something.
(The dealer shakes his head.)

There's the Rub (1)Edit

Vy (referring to her and Helen): Geoffrey, what do you think? Who's more desirable?
Geoffrey: It's a tie, you both lose.

There's the Rub (2)Edit

Hilary: I exploit people everyday, but it's Thanksgiving so I'm taking a day off.

Philip: In the first place, it's not "Banks" it's "Your Honor". Now you get your butt over to that telephone and you pull the district attorney from whatever meal he may be eating and you tell him that you have Judge Philip Banks in jail under a bogus charge. And you might wanna mention the fact that we have been denied due process: A phone call, access to legal representation and every other conceivable right guaranteed to us by the constitution. Don't forget to mention that no statements have been taken no witnesses interviewed, and none of the most fundamental procedures that the newest rookie on a beat would know, have been followed. My nephew and I are completely innocent, and if you don't take care of this it will be you having your picture taken with numbers across your chest!

I, Ooh, Baby, BabyEdit

Boxing HelenaEdit

[Will is boxing a girl named Helena]
Helena: Come on! Hit me!

[Will refuses to hit her]

Helena: Your mama!
Will: Mama said knock you out!
[The Next Day, Will returns and fights her back and it arouses her}.
Will: How do you like me now?!
Helena: That was... impressive. Take me!
Will: Um... You a little freaky-deeky, ain't you?
Helena: Now!
Will: Shoot, you ain't gotta tell me twice!
[He carries her off]

Carlton: "I got a nice base." Trainer: "says here you're a walking tub of Crisco." Carlton: "Yeah, but it's spread over a nice BASE."

I, ClowniusEdit

(Carlton enters the living room with a beat up Safety Guy)

Carlton: Hey guys. Look what I found.
Ashley: Hey, it's the dummy.
Will: Yeah and he found Safety Guy.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do (1)Edit

Vivian: That man is on thin ice!
Geoffrey: I'll alert the fish.

[Using hand-puppets, Will and Carlton create an apologetic show for Ashley]
Will (dog): One, two, three! Hey, Ashley! [beatbox] Will and Carlton are sorry! [beatbox] Hey, kitty-cat! Hey, kitty-cat! Hey, kitty-cat! Help-help me out!
[Carlton (cat) appears]
Will (dog): [beatbox]
Carlton (cat): We care about you very much!
Will (dog): Ple, ple, ple, ple, ple, ple, ple, please forgive us! [beatbox]

Ashley: Thanks to you, now I'm gonna be working at Dippity Doo Dog until I'm dippity dead!
[Ashley storms off]
Carlton (cat): I think it worked. I think she's feeling much better.
Will: I think you've been smokin' a little bit too much of that catnip.
Carlton (cat): Hey! You take that back!
Will: Carlton. It's over.
Carlton (cat): It's not over! (Talking to himself) What does he mean it's over?! It can't be over!

Carlton: Will, I'm a little uncomfortable with nudity.
Will: Oh, don't worry, Carlton, we're all uncomfortable with your nudity.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do (2)Edit

Philip: If I leave, I'm not coming back, Vivian.
Vivian: Good.
Philip: B-because once I leave out that door, I'm gone... I'm moving closer to the door, Vivian. This is your last chance... I mean it!
Helen: Oh, for God's sake, would you leave already?

I, Bowl BusterEdit

The Butler's Son Did ItEdit

Geoffrey's Son Fredrick: Do you have any Tom Jones records?
Carlton: (smiling) DO I?!

Will: What, one day you were sipping some tea and crumpets and thought, "Hey! I should fly half-way around the world to steal from the father I don't even know!"

Hare Today...Edit

Philip: Having a pet is a big responsibility. You have to feed him, clean up after him.
Geoffrey: Just don't expect a thank you.

Nicky: Daddy, you know how you told me that Harry's black now, because rabbits change black colors for Easter? Isn't there a little more to that story?
Philip: Well, yes. Uh,... Nicky, you remember in The Lion King when Mufasa...?
Nicky: Daddy, did you sit on Harry?
Philip: Yes. But... But...
Nicky: That's okay, Dad. Death is a natural part of life. But what a way to go.

I, Whoops, There It IsEdit

Parson: Will, no, stop it! Go bother Tat!
Ali: No, don't bother Tat!

I, Stank HorseEdit

Carlton: [sings] The sun'll come out tomorrow.
Jockey: The owner wants to put him down.
Carlton: What?! When?
Jockey: Tomorrow.
Will: [sings] It's only a day away.

I, Stank Hole in the OneEdit

Philip: You can play with Carlton's clubs.
Will: What? You want me to play on my knees?

Carlton: Sounds like you guys won!
Philip: Hell, no! He's an even worse golfer than you!

Eye, ToothEdit

Carlton: (to Hilary) William Shatner is gonna be on your show?! (to Will) And you knew? You lived in the same pool house with me, knowing how much this would mean to me and you didn't tell me? I don't even know who you are.

I, Done (1)Edit

Will: Hey G, what's up, man? Hey, look, um, (referring to himself) I got this friend, right? You know, he kinda got a little problem. He got these 3 cousins and they all moving on with new and exciting lives and everything.
Geoffrey: Is your friend pensive?
Will: My friend doesn't know what pensive means.

Hilary: Oh, Geoffrey, I'm gonna miss you. Oh, we have to have a special going away dinner for you. What do you wanna make?

I, Done (2)Edit

Philip: So, Will, did you find a new place?
Will: Uh, well, Uncle Phil...
Carlton: Yeah, it's a great place.
Vivian: How does it look?
Carlton: Well, it's got ceiling-to-floor doors, and wall-to-wall floors.
Will: Carlton's just playin', y'all. There's something I have to...
Philip: So, when do we get to see it?
Will: You can't.
Philip: Why not?
Carlton: Because it's tinted. You can't see inside of it.
Will: Carlton, it's okay, man, I can do this. You can't see my apartment, because I don't have one.
Carlton: It's a condo.
Will: Okay. That's all right, Carlton.

Will: Wherever and whenever... I got your back, C.
Carlton: Wherever, whenever, I got your back... W. That just doesn't sound right coming from me, does it?
Will: It sounds great, man.

Vivian: Nicky, did you remember to go to the bathroom?
Nicky: Of course.
Hilary: Carlton, did you remember to go to the bathroom?
Carlton: Of course. I'll be right back.

(final scene of the series; Will shuts the lights off)

Carlton: (in the bathroom) HEY! Who turned out the lights?! (runs downstairs with his pants down) Where is everybody?!
(he pulls his pants back up and heads out the door in a hurry)
Will: I'm definitely gonna miss you, C.
(he slowly walks away and camera zooms out and gets a ceiling view of the living room)


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