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The First Wives Club

1996 film by Hugh Wilson

The First Wives Club is a 1996 film about three divorced wives who get even with their ex-husbands.

Directed by Hugh Wilson. Written by Olivia Goldsmith, Robert Harling and Paul Rudnick
Don't get mad. Get everything! (taglines)

Brenda

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  • What's the matter, Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress?
  • Wake up, Morty! Time to smell the audit!
  • Don't shame me in the synagogue.
  • You know, I wonder how drunk Cynthia was when she decided to do a jack knife off of Park Avenue.
  • (upon seeing a slinky dress) Now, I ask you, Duarto, who's supposed to wear that? Some anorexic teenager? Some fetus? It's a conspiracy, I know it is! I've had enough. I'm leading a protest. I'm not buying another article of clothing until these designers come to their senses!

Elise

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  • Fill 'em up!
  • No, Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend! He may be three hundred years old, but he's still a stud!
  • You think that because I'm a movie star I don't have feelings. Well you're wrong. I'm an actress. I've got all of them!

Others

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  • Chris: Guess what, dad? I'm a lesbian. A big one.
  • Dr. Morris Packman: If I give you one more face lift, you're going to be able to blink your lips!
  • Gunilla: (sees Shelley and Morty entering her building) Social climbers on the rise.

Dialogue

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Chris: You're a doormat.
Annie: Why are you so crabby today honey, is it school? I know what it is; it's a boy.
Chris: I'm a lesbian mom. I'm a lesbian, but that's not the point.
Annie: Wait, sweetie, when you say "lesbian"--
Chris: And don't tell daddy, I want to tell him myself when the time is right. Like Father's day or Christmas morning.
Catherine: Annie? Thank God you're all right. Where were you? Who saw you?
Annie: Who saw me what?
Chris: She was sleeping with daddy.
Catherine: Oh muffin dear you've come to your senses, I'm so happy.
Annie: Mother, I am not sleeping with Aaron. He's just having some problems with his partners. He's feeling very conflicted and he needed somebody to talk to.
Chris: Doormat!
Annie: Lesbian!
(Elise to her plastic surgeon)
Elise: Do it Morris, do it to me now, I need it. You're the only one who does it the way I like it. You're the king.
Morris: Elise, if I give you any more collagen, your lips are going to look like they got stuck in a pool drain
Morris: You're 45! If I give you one more facelift, you're going to be able to blink your lips. I mean, don't you want to be able to play a part your own age?
Elise: "My own age?" No no. You don't understand. There are only three ages for women in Hollywood; "Babe", "District Attorney", and "Driving Ms. Daisy." And right now, I want to be young. Science-fiction young.
Brenda: OK Elise, the time has come... spill it. Those goddamn lips- what's in 'em. Are they wax?
Elise: Excuse me?
Brenda: What else did you have done? Come on Elise you can tell me. The cheek one, the jaw line. Did you have a little bit, or the full enchilada?!
Elise: I work out every day. I watch my diet. I have not had plastic surgery.
Annie: Well good for you, you look terrific.
Brenda: Oh come on. Elise your lying through your caps.
Elise: Ok. All right, I have been freshened up a little.
Annie: (Puts down wine glass) Oh god, does it hurt.
Elise: (drinking) Mmmm, no.
Brenda: What do they do with the stuff they take off? Do you get to keep it?
Elise: Oh come on Brenda, it's the nineties for god's sake. (Picks up cigarette and lights it) I mean it's like... Plastic surgery is like good grooming, it's like brushing your teeth.
Aaron: I want a divorce.
Annie: (shocked)B-- BUT WE JUST MADE LOVE! I mean you asked me out! (Starts crying)
Aaron: I asked you out to tell you, but then you looked so good. I thought, gee isn't this romantic. You know one last time, a goodbye kiss.
Annie :But this wasn't just a kiss!
Aaron: Annie don't be childish, you know how you manipulate me.
Annie: What, manipulate, i.. i..(Realizes what's going on). Oh my god, is there someone else?
Aaron: Of course not this is about us,... well it's really about you...
(Dr. Leslie Rosen enters through front door)
Leslie: Babe!
All three stare at each other
Leslie: Oh my god.
Annie: Oh my god!
Aaron: Oh my god...
Leslie: This is very awkward...
Aaron: No, no, Annie was just leaving!
Leslie: You told her?
Aaron: I was totally upfront!
Annie: What!? Excuse me!
Leslie: Annie, this is rough, I know that-
Annie: ROUGH!? Wait a minute, I don't understand! You are my therapist!
Leslie: I'm a woman.
Annie: He is my husband. Oh!
Aaron: Annie, we've been separated for months. Now let's not over-dramatise.
Leslie: Aaron, she's aloud to be angry. Annie, let's use this; he's found someone new; you're free; closure.
Annie: I am sorry, but that is not what this is. No!
Leslie: Annie no, Annie you're not helping us out here- now I am sorry...
Annie: SO AM I! I AM VERY SORRY I EVER MET YOU; AND I AM SORRY THAT I ALLOWED MYSELF TO LOVE YOU FOR ALL THOSE YEARS. I'M SORRY I DID NOTHING BUT BE THERE FOR YOU EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY AND SUPPORT YOU IN YOUR EVERY MOVE!!! I'M SORRY!!! (Starts crying and leaves)
Elise: You wouldn't understand, you're civilians!
Brenda:That's it. (infuriated) I understand. (she grabs the bottle from Elise)
Elise: Hey... give that back...
Brenda: I'm saying this to you with love, compassion and the spirit of true sisterhood: you are full of SHIT!
Elise: What?
Brenda: (pouring the alcohol down the sink) So okay, alimony sucks! Okay, you didn't get to play a policewoman in a Wonder bra! But look at you! You grew up gorgeous, and thanks to Cher's pioneering efforts, you still haven't hit puberty! And once upon a time, you were a great actress, you've even got an Oscar to prove it! You've spent your whole life with people sucking up to you, but I'm sure Annie will agree with me when I say your perception of life is somewhat altered!
Elise: You've got some nerve! I drink because I am a sensitive and highly strung person!
Brenda: No, that's why your co-stars drink!
Elise: I am not a DRUNK!
Brenda: Oh really? Let's examine the evidence! Look! All bottles! And gallon jugs!
Elise: I had GUESTS.
Brenda: Who, Guns N' Roses?!
Elise: You didn't invite me to your son's bar mitzvah!
Brenda: You wouldn't have come!
Annie: Yeah, it was in Hebrew...
Brenda: Oh, SHUT UP!
Brenda: (gasps loudly)
Annie: What?
Brenda: He brought her to our son's bar mitzvah?
Annie: Is she a gift?
Uncle Carmine: Permission to speak freely, Brenda?
Brenda: Oh yea, Annie's cool.
Uncle Carmine: Morty is garbage. You gave him the best years of your life, and he pushes you aside for a younger model. It would be an honor for us to take him out.
Elise: You think just because I'm a movie star, I don't have feelings, well, you're wrong! I do have feelings! I'm an actress! I have ALL of them!
Brenda: (putting on a meek voice) Well, I wouldn't understand. You see I'm just a poor little housewife, in a little apron, with a little child to raise!
Elise: Yeah, well, you were always jealous of me, even in college, because I was blonde and beautiful and talented, and I could have any guy I wanted!
Annie: (faintly in the background) Um, you guys...
Brenda: And did! Every guy! Most of the senior class and half the faculty!
Elise: Well! It was the Sixties!
Brenda: (scornful) Look at this place! Is this where your fanclub meets? Do you have ritual sacrifices?!
Elise: Put that down! Put that down! I won that!
Brenda: I remember! Your first talkie!
Elise: Yeah, what did you ever win? A pie eating contest? Best Digestion?! (she screams as Brenda throws the statuette) Oh no... Brenda, this is a Golden Globe! It's sacred! It's... TRADEMARKED!! (Elise throws the statue at Brenda and smashes the wall mirror)
Brenda: (frightened, she barks) "Are you CRAZY!?"
Elise: Ivana? I wanna thank you for coming so much, you're an angel!
Ivana Trump: Oh, of course.
Annie: Thank you so much, again.
Ivana: Ladies, you have to be strong and independent. And remember...
Elise: What?
Ivana: Don't get mad... get everything.
Annie {as narrator}: Our opening of the Cynthia Swann Memorial Center was a success. Bill broke up with Phoebe, for obvious reasons.
Shelly: Got a cigarette?
Bill: Certainly. By the way, how old are you?
Annie {as narrator}: Leslie also broke up with Aaron. He begged me to take him back, and I told him to stuff it! But not all relationships have to break up.
Morton: May I have this dance?
Brenda: Certainly Morty.
Annie {as narrator}: As for Brenda and Morty, a reconciliation does seem quite likely.
Wives: [singing] You don't own me... don't try to change me in any way. You don't own me... don't tie me down cause I'll never stay!

Cast

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Diane Keaton - Annie Paradis
Bette Midler - Brenda Cushman
Goldie Hawn - Elise Elliot
Stephen Collins - Aaron Paradis
Dan Hedaya - Morton Cushman
Victor Garber - Bill Atchison
Marcia Gay Harden - Dr. Leslie Rosen
Sarah Jessica Parker - Shelly Stewart
Elizabeth Berkley - Phoebe LaVelle
Stockard Channing - Cynthia Swann Griffin
Maggie Smith - Gunilla Garson Goldberg
Bronson Pinchot - Duarto Felice
Ari Greenberg - Jason Cushman
Jennifer Dundas - Chris Paradis
Eileen Heckart - Catherine MacDuggan (final film role)
Philip Bosco - Uncle Carmine Morelli
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