Wikiquote

The Black Adder (series 1)

first series of the BBC sitcom Blackadder

The Foretelling

edit
Narrator: [first lines] History has known many great liars: Copernicus. Goebbels. St Ralph the Liar [he is shown holding a sign which reads "St Benedict the Liar"]. But there have been none quite so vile as the Tudor King, Henry VII. It was he who rewrote history to portray his predecessor, Richard III, as a deformed maniac who killed his nephews in the Tower. But the real truth is that Richard was a kind and thoughtful man who cherished his young wards; in particular: Richard, Duke of York, who grew into a big, strong boy. Henry also claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field, and killed Richard III. Again, the truth is very different; for it was Richard, Duke of York, who became king after Bosworth Field, and reigned for thirteen glorious years. As for who really killed Richard III and how the defeated Henry Tudor escaped with his life, all is revealed in this, the first chapter of a history never before told: The History of The Black Adder!
[Opening theme]
[On August 21st, 1485, the Eve of The Battle of Bosworth Field, the feast was held]
Richard, Duke of York: [bangs his goblet on the table three times] Silence! Silence! For the king!
King Richard III: [stands, hunched, speaks awkwardly] Now is the summer of our sweet content, made o'ercast winter by these Tudor clowns. And I that am not shaped for black-faced war... [the assembled nobles cheer] ...I that am rudely cast and want true majesty... [the assembled nobles boo the implied insult given by the king's enemies as he fixes his hunched standing position by yanking on his cloak, which had been stuck] ...am forced to fight to set sweet England free. I pray to Heaven we fare well, and all who fight us go to hell!
[The assembled nobles cheer, the loudest coming from a nobleman sitting at the very end of the table]
Edmund: [stands up as he raise his goblet] Hooray! Hooray! Absolutely! Hooray!
King Richard III: Who is that?
Richard, Duke of York: I know not, my lord. I'll ask my son. Harry, who is that?
Harry: He's your other son, my lord.
Richard, Duke of York: It is my other son, my lord.
King Richard III: Fights he with us on the morrow?
Richard, Duke of York: [to Harry] What's his name?
Harry: Edmund.
Richard, Duke of York: [to Edmund] EDNA? Fight you with us on the morrow?
Edmund: Um, oh, goodness, no. I thought I'd fight with the enemy. [realizing what he has just said, he shrinks down into his chair]
King Richard III: You're, uh, not putting him anywhere near me, are you?
Richard, Duke of York: No, my lord. He'll be somewhere amongst the rabble.
King Richard III: Oh, arrow fodder.
Richard, Duke of York: Precisely.
[The king smiles and waves at Edmund]
King Richard III: [under his breath] What a little turd.
Edmund: Ah, Percy, you see how the King picks me out for special greeting?
Lord Percy Percy: No, my lord.
Baldrick: I saw it, my lord.
Edmund: And what is your name, little fellow?
Baldrick: My name is Baldrick, my lord.
Edmund: Then I shall call you... Baldrick.
Baldrick: And I shall call you "my lord," my lord.
Edmund: I like the cut of your jib, young fellow, me lad. How would you like to be my squire in the battle tomorrow?
[Baldrick kneels before Edmund]
Percy: [condescending] It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms'll end up in Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.
Baldrick: With you at the helm, my lord, we cannot lose.
Percy: [condescending] Well, we could if we wanted to.
Edmund: Ah, but we won't, Percy. And I shall prove to all that I am a man!
Percy: But you are a man.
Edmund: But how shall it be proved, Percy?
Percy: Well, when they look up that tree in Rutland.
Edmund: [hits Percy on the head] It shall be proved by mine enemies rushing to the water closet in terror!
Baldrick: Hooray!
Percy: Hooray!
Edmund: Come, a toast. Let all those who go to don armour tomorrow remember to go before they don armour tomorrow! Hooray! [the three men raise and then down their goblets] Already, I can hear the sound of battle ringing in my ears.
[We cut to the battle field in Bosworth Field the next morning]
King Richard III: Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more! Consign their parts most private to a Rutland tree.
Richard, Duke of York: Let "Blood! Blood! BLOOD!!!" be your motto! Slit their gizzards!!!
Harry: Now, I'm afraid there's going to have to be a certain amount of... violence. But, at least we know it's all in a good cause, don't we?
[Crowd cheers]
King Richard III: And gentlemen in London still abed shall think themselves accursed that they were not here and hold their manhood cheap, while others speak of those who fought with us on Ralph the Liar's Day! [raised his sword high]
[Crowd cheers]
[At 11:00 Am in the morning inside Edmund’s room, he sleeps in his bed, snoring, while Baldrick sleeps on the floor, using a dead dog as a pillow. There is a knock on the door]
Gertrude: [from outside] Edmund? [opens his door] Oh, Edmund...
Edmund: [half asleep] Hmm? Oh, Mother, what do you want?
Gertrude: Did you want to go to the battle this morning?
Edmund: [sits up with a start; removes a cover from a sundial, and look at it] Oh my god, it's eleven o’clock!
[His mother smiles, shakes her head, and closes the door]
[Now we cut to the long shot of a rise. On it we see a silhouette of Edmund on horseback. Following him at a distance is Baldrick on muleback]
Baldrick: My Lord...
Edmund: What is it?
Baldrick: Where is this battle, then?
Edmund: Oh, somewhere called Bosworth Field... [they ride off to the right of the shot. Suddenly, we see Baldrick going the other way, followed by Edmund] Damn, damn, damn! The first decent battle since I reached puberty...
[We dissolve to Edmund and Baldrick, riding together, up a rise leading to the valley]
Baldrick: Here we are, My Lord...
Edmund: Onward, Baldrick! To glory!
[Over the top of the rise we now can see banners clashing together. Edmund stops his horse at the top]
Edmund: [feeling uncomfortable] Y-yes, um, I'm not so sure we're needed here, Baldrick. I mean, everything seems to be going very well, doesn't it? Everyone's fighting. Clearly having the time of their lives. Why, some people over there aren't fighting. They're just lying down.
Baldrick: They're dead, my lord.
Edmund: [feeling sick] Ah, yes. [wriggling on his saddle] Damn, I knew I'd forgotten something. Will you excuse me for a minute, Baldrick? [rides his horse up to the tree]
[Just away from the battle, King Richard III on foot meets his nephew Richard, Duke of York on his horseback]
Richard, Duke of York: Your Majesty, you've lost your steed. Take mine!
King Richard III: No, no, no. [proudly] I've won the battle! I've saved the kingdom! I think I can find myself a horse.
Richard, Duke of York: How true, My Noble Lord. I'll see you back at the castle!
King Richard III: So be it! [as Richard, Duke of York leaves on his horse, he walks along] A horse! [whistling a call] A horse! My kingdom for a horse! [he stops by a tree, and sees Edmund's horse] Ah, horsie!
[As he approaches the horse and starts untying the reins from the tree, Edmund, who was urinating himself behind a nearby bush, sees him]
Edmund: [to himself] Who is this? [drawing his sword] Wait, that's my horse! [swings his sword, and chops off the King's head. He laughs] There, that'll teach you! [picks up the helmeted head] You won't be doing that again, now will you? [lifts the helmet’s face shield] Oh, my god. It's Uncle Richard. [screams in horror]
Baldrick: [runs up to Edmund, after parking his mule by the tree] What's that, my lord? [a frightened Edmund tosses the head to him, he catches it with a chuckle. As he lifts the face shield, his smile dissolves] Oh, dear. Richard III. (to Edmund) What are you going to do?!
Edmund: [rapidly] Well, quick, quick... [he turns the body over, takes the head back and tries to replace it, asking Baldrick to hold it steady. He moves the corpse's arms about, and beats on its chest. Baldrick for a moment puts his face down, trying to resuscitate the body through the face shield]
Baldrick: [points to something off-screen] My lord! That hut there!
[They each grab two legs and drag the body away, but the head is accidentally left behind]
[They enter a small cottage. Baldrick dragging the body. Edmund enters, carrying a gauntlet]
Edmund: [still entering] Come on! Come on! Will you wait! Will you wait! [Baldrick collapses exhausted on the corpse while he closes the door] Ah, well done... [sit on a barrel, then notices that something's missing] Where's the head?
Baldrick: I thought you had it.
Edmund: Baldrick, I can't be expected to carry everything!
[They hear someone approaching. Edmund cowers; Baldrick prepares to strike down the intruder with some sort of blunt object. The door opens, and Percy enters with the same decapitated head]
Edmund: [annoyed] Percy, you brainless son of a prostitute! Where have you been?!
Percy: I've just proved that I'm a man! Look what I've found! [holds up the head]
Edmund: [relieved] Oh, thank God! Quick, Percy, quick, put it down and let's get out of here!
Percy: No no no no! I found it! It's mine!
Edmund: What do you mean it's yours? [tries to take it from Percy]
Percy: [defensively] I'm going to use it to prove that I killed a nobleman!
Edmund: [stops trying to take the head] And which nobleman, pray...?
Percy: Er... [looks under the face shield, and laughs nervously] Well, it's the King, actually!
[Edmund stares at Percy, who tosses the head to Edmund, who tosses it to Baldrick, who tosses it in the barrel. They are about to leave, but a bloodied, armored man staggers in]
Henry Tudor: Lost! Lost! All is lost! [collapses to the floor]
Edmund: [shocked] What?!
Henry Tudor: Flee! Flee!
Edmund: Oh my god! Quick, let's get out of here!
Henry Tudor: Take me with you! [grabs one of Edmund legs]
Edmund: Get your hands off!
[Percy feebly helps in this process]
Henry Tudor: If you leave me alone here, I'll die.
Edmund: If you don't leave me alone, I'll kill you myself! [Baldrick bops the man on the head with his blunt object. The man falls to one side] Now, leave him here, come on! [he, Baldrick, and Percy make their way out]
Henry Tudor: I'll give you money! Ten thousand sovereigns! [collapses]
[The door opens, and Percy's head pokes in.]
[We cut to Edmund and Baldrick, in the castle. Baldrick keeps running, but Edmund stops as he meets his mother]
Edmund: [frantic] Mother!
Gertrude: [concerned] Edmund, dear. How did it go?
Edmund: Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates!
Gertrude: [skeptical] Oh, but, Edmund, I'm not ready. I haven't had a bath or anything.
Edmund: Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here, they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle!
Gertrude: Ah, well, I shan't bother to change, then.
Baldrick: [runs into the doorway across the hall] My Lord!
Edmund: What do you want?!
Baldrick: Listen!
[An army's drums can be heard faintly in the distance]
Edmund: [panicking] Oh my god! They're here already! [begins to run down the hall, shouting] Run for your lives! Run for the hills!
Baldrick: Er, My Lord, they're coming from the hills.
Edmund: [still shouting] Oh, sorry. Run away from the hills! Run away from the hills! If you see the hills, run the other way!
Percy: No, My Lord, it's all right. They're flying the banners of our King Richard.
Edmund: [sarcastically] Well, that's impossible! He's dead, isn't he?!
Gertrude: [shocked] King Richard, dead?
Edmund: [suddenly not so frantic] Yes...Errr, God knows how...
Gertrude: Oh, dear. That's really upset the tulip cart.
Edmund: [frantic again] Those flags, Percy, are obviously just a cunning trick to deceive us into staying!
Baldrick: No, My Lord, I don't think it is a cunning trick.
Edmund: Well, no, it's not a particularly cunning trick, because we've seen through it! [locks the main entrance to the great hall] But obviously they thought it was cunning when they thought it out.
Baldrick: What I mean, My Lord, is that I don't think they did think it out.
Edmund: What, you think someone else thought it up, and they've borrowed it for the occasion?
Baldrick: No, My Lord. I don't think it's a trick at all.
Edmund: You don't think that riding up to a castle under someone else's banner is a trick? [sarcastically] Well, no, I suppose it isn't!
[There's a banging on the main door. Edmund screams and runs through the inner door. The main door is broken down by Richard, Duke of York and his men]
Percy: It's only your father.
Richard, Duke of York: [entering with his entourage] Who locked that bloody door?
Gertrude: [surprised] Richard, it's you!
Richard, Duke of York: Well, who did you expect it to be, woman?
Gertrude: Why, I thought it would be Henry Tulip.
Richard, Duke of York: [confused] Henry Tulip? Have you lost your conkers?
Gertrude: So you won?
Richard, Duke of York: Yes, of course! We won! We won! Victory!
[General cheers from his entourage]
Gertrude: So, I suppose now you want to ravish me.
Richard, Duke of York: [shocked] Yes, yes, in a moment. [turns to Lord Chiswick, one of his entourage] The woman's insatiable! Three cheers for good King Richard! Hap hap!
Group: Huzzah!
Richard, Duke of York: Hap hap!
Group: Huzzah!
Richard, Duke of York: Hap hap!
Group: Huzzah!
Edmund: [appears from the opposite end behind the group, weakly] Huzzah...
Richard, Duke of York: All we need now is for King Richard to be here, and the day shall complete!
Gertrude: [pitifully] Yes, what a pity he’s dead.
Richard, Duke of York: [shocked in a whisper] What? Who told you that?
Gertrude: Well, Edmund. [nods to his direction]
Richard, Duke of York: [he and the group turn to face Edmund] Is this true?!
Edmund: [quite intimidated, as well as fearing for his life] Errr, well, I wouldn't know, really. I was...nowhere near him at the time. I...I just...heard from someone that he'd, er...er...I mean, I don't even know where he was killed. I was completely on the opposite side of the field. I was nowhere near the cottage....Not that it was a cottage, it was a river. But, then, I wouldn't know, of course, because I wasn't there. But, apparently, some fool cut his head off...or at least killed him in some way...perhaps...took an ear off or something. Yes, yes, in fact, I think he was only wounded! Er, or was that somebody else? Yes, I think it was. Why, he wasn't even wounded! [Harry staggers in behind him, carrying the headless corpse of King Richard III, and the crown] Why, did someone say he was dead?
Harry: [mournfully] Yes!
Richard, Duke of York: [even more shocked] What?!
Harry: [with angst] It's true, My Lord! I stumbled on his body myself! O, pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth! [places the body on the floor, and lies on top of it] Good night, sweet king! And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!
Richard, Duke of York: [annoyed] Er, yes...yes, yes. Thank you, Harry. Thank you, Harry. THANK YOU, HARRY!!! (in an angered whisper] Yes! And we all know who did this dreadful deed, [looks at Edmund] don't we? [Edmund slowly nods, as a sort of confession, and closed his eyes, preparing to have his head cut off] Henry Tudor! [Edmund's nods increase in speed, he opens his eyes and grins] Yes! And he still roams free! Harry, call for silence!
Harry: [shouts] Silence! [everyone becomes silent as he slowly lowers the the crown onto his father's head] For the King!
Everyone: [bows before King Richard IV] Long live King Richard IV!
King Richard IV: This day has been as 'twere a mighty stew. In which the beef of victory, was mix'd with the vile turnip, of sweet Richard slain, and the grisly dumpling of his killer fled. But we must eat the yellow wobbly parts the good Lord serves. In life, each man gets What he deserves! [looks around at the kneeled assembly] Well, come on. Let's go and kill some more prisoners. Hap hap!
Everyone: Huzzah!
King Richard IV: Hap hap!
Everyone: Huzzah!
King Richard IV: Hap hap!
Everyone: Huzzah!
[We cut to Edmund's room. He, Percy and Baldrick enter, dejected. Once they're in and the door closes, the now Prince Edmund slowly turns and began to grin]
Prince Edmund, Baldrick & Percy: Hurray!
Prince Edmund: We're safe! And I am a prince of the realm. Hup-hup!
Baldrick: Huzzah!
Percy: Huzzah!
Prince Edmund: Can you imagine the power?
Percy: It's ours! All ours!
Prince Edmund: What?
Baldrick: Yours! All yours!
Prince Harry: [enters] Ah, Edmund, there you are. Now, I know it's a bit early, but I'd just like to get these battle averages sorted out. [takes the name list out] Who did you kill today?
Prince Edmund: Um...no one.
Prince Harry: [confused] No one? Oh dear. Alright, I'll put you down for a duck, which I'm afraid takes you out of the running for the Order of the Garter.
Prince Edmund: [jokingly] Oh, I see! Sorry. Sorry, I thought you meant 'Had I killed King Richard?'
Prince Harry: [turns] What?
Prince Edmund: [frantically] What...was the question?
Prince Harry: Who did you kill today?
Prince Edmund: Oh, I see. Um... [Percy whispers 'peasants'] Pedant.
Prince Harry: What?
Prince Edmund: Pleasant...pedant...pes...peasants! Peasants! There were a lot of peasants. Um, but they don't really count, do they?
Prince Harry: Only in the event of a tie. Nevertheless, how many did you kill?
[Percy holds up four fingers]
Prince Edmund: Oh, four.
Prince Harry: Four...
[Percy gestures with his hands]
Prince Edmund: Four handred. Four hundred...and...fifty.
Prince Harry: Four hundred and fifty? Good lord, that's three times more than myself!
Prince Edmund: Yes, well I had a couple of lucky breaks.
Prince Harry: Any nobles?
Prince Edmund: Oh yes. I think, um... [Percy whispers a name] Lord Coverdale.
Prince Harry: Who fought on our side, I believe.
Prince Edmund: Yes, I think Coverdale saw me slaying, um... [Baldrick slants his helmet over his eye] Warwick.
Prince Harry: Warwick the Wild of Leicester?
Prince Edmund: Pretty wild he was, too. Took some finishing off.
Prince Harry: Yes, I killed him myself at one point. Anyone else?
Prince Edmund: Oh...it's hard to put names to faces.
Prince Harry: Yes, well, this is the list of lords as yet unaccounted for, Roger de Runcie?
Prince Edmund: Oh, de Runcie, yes, he was one of mine.
Prince Harry: Lord Thomas of Devon?
Prince Edmund: Ah yes, backslash.
Prince Harry: Lord Yeovril?
Prince Edmund: Ah yes, groin job.
Prince Harry: This is remarkable, Edmund! Remarkable! Oh, and the Bishop of Bath and Wells-
Prince Edmund: Ah yes, will never walk again.
Prince Harry: Will conduct the thanksgiving service.
Prince Edmund: Oh, Bath and Wells!
Prince Harry: Ah, Lord Percy. Edmund tells me you turned up late for the battle, so there's not much point in asking you your score, is there? [leaves]
[Percy tries to speak, but can't think of anything. He's upset. He turns to face Edmund]
Prince Edmund: Ha hah!!!
Baldrick: Ha hah!!!
Percy: [bitterly sarcastic] Ha hah...
Prince Edmund: At last I can relax! [opens the curtain to his bed, to find the dying Henry Tudor lying in it. Turns back to Percy and Baldrick, and speaks quietly] Who the hell is this?
Percy: Ah, well, you remember that dying man we saw in the cottage?
Prince Edmund: The one I specifically told you not to bring back to the castle under any circumstances?
Percy: Mm hmm, yes, that's the one, yes.
Prince Edmund: So what is he doing in my bed?
Percy: Well, he claims to be a wealthy man. I thought, if we nurse him back to health, he may reward us.
Prince Edmund: No, wait. I think I have an idea...If he is a wealthy man, and we nurse him back to health, he may reward us!
Baldrick: Oh, brilliant, My Lord! Very quick thinking!
Prince Edmund: Well, what do you expect? After all, who has the fastest brain in the land?
Baldrick: Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh!
Prince Edmund: Who is the boldest horseman in the land?
Baldrick: Prince Edmund!
Baldrick & Percy: Duke of Edinburgh!
Prince Edmund: Who is the bravest swordsman in the land?
Percy: Oh, don't tell me. The Earl of Norfolk?
Prince Edmund: [annoyed] PRINCE...
Baldrick & Percy:...Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh!
Prince Edmund: Precisely. Or, as I shall be known from now on, The Black...Vegetable.
Baldrick: My lord, wouldn't something like "The Black Adder" sound better?
Prince Edmund: No, wait. I think I have a better idea. What about...The Black Adder!
[We cut to the montage scenes of him choosing a new outfit]
Prince Edmund: [points to a black suit with a coiled snake on it and a black cape] That one! [a pair of black shoes, more suited to a jester] That pair! [and a black bowl for haircut style] That one!
We cut to finishing of his haircut, very short hair. He looks in a mirror, and stands up. Camera pans down to look at his entire outfit, large black rings, black tights and all]
[We cut to an inner hallway. Edmund, Baldrick and Percy enter, laughing]
Baldrick: Very witty, My Lord.
Prince Edmund: Thank you, Baldrick.
Percy: Very, very, very witty, My Lord.
Prince Edmund: Thank you, Percy.
Baldrick: You're certainly wittier than your father.
Percy: And head and shoulders over Richard III!
Prince Edmund: [annoyed] Is that supposed to be witty?!
Percy: Er...No, my lord. Th-that was an example of the sort of thing that you yourself would not stoop to.
Prince Edmund: [pauses] Go away!
Baldrick and Percy: Yes, my lord. [leave]
[Edmund enters his room, closing the door. He hangs up his black hat, then goes to his bed, with Henry Tudor in it. He, now awake, was having soup]
Prince Edmund: Ah, you're still here, are you?
Henry Tudor: Er, yes.
[Edmund looks closely at the Henry. Viewers see a flashback of Henry Tudor from the opening of the show]
Prince Edmund: Wait a moment, haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Henry Tudor: [trying to remember] I don't know. I feel I've seen you before, also.
Prince Edmund: Well, I am Prince Edmund, son of Richard IV! Why? Who are you?
Henry Tudor: [shocked to discover where he is] Well, erm, I'm, er, not important.
Prince Edmund: Not important? You mean you’re not rich?
Henry Tudor: No. Yes! Yes, I'm incredibly rich! I'm...I'm a very wealthy, erm, modest person, who wishes to remain nameless.
Prince Edmund: Well, you'd better be rich. Get your money together, get better, and get out of my bed, is that clear? [closes the curtain, looks around, uncovers a home-made crown, puts it on and looks at himself in the mirror]
Ghost of Richard III: [off-screen] Oh yes, very fetching.
[Edmund turns, and screams for about six seconds as he covers his mouth]
Ghost of Richard III:...And hello to "you".
Prince Edmund: Uh, uh, er, hello...hello...er...goodness me...I hadn't...expected...to see you...like this.
Ghost of Richard III: Sitting down, you mean?
Prince Edmund: Er, yes, yes, that's right: sitting down. Goodness, look! Look! You're sitting down.
Ghost of Richard III: Yes.
Prince Edmund: Why, I haven't seen you sitting down since, er...hoo...
Ghost of Richard III: Yesterday?
Prince Edmund: Was it only yesterday? Good lord! Erm, errr...well...How was your battle?
Ghost of Richard III: Fine. Somebody cut my head off at one point, but otherwise everything went swimmingly. And how are you, Edna?
Prince Edmund: Er, Edmund.
Ghost of Richard III: Your father told me "Edna".
Prince Edmund: No...
Ghost of Richard III: So, Edna, you loathsome little fairy maggot, how are you?
Prince Edmund: Er, how...how very very kind of you to ask, erm, Your Majesty...I'm very well, and, er, and it's very good to see you, because, frankly...
Ghost of Richard III: Yes?
Prince Edmund: Well, well, well, frankl...er...Gosh, you look well.
Ghost of Richard III: [impatiently] Frankly what? Spit it out, you horrid little scabby reptile!
Prince Edmund: Er, well, frankly, everyone thought you were dead.
Ghost of Richard III: Well, frankly, [his head rises from his body to be level with Edmund] I am.
Prince Edmund: [disgusted] EUGH!!!!
[There's a knock at the door]
Ghost of Richard III: [to the door] Do come in.
Prince Edmund: [rushing to the door] No! Don't come in!
Queen Gertrude: [from outside the door] Why not? Have you got someone in there with you?
Prince Edmund: Erm, not as such...
Queen Gertrude: Is it a woman?
Prince Edmund: No!
Queen Gertrude: Is it a man?
Prince Edmund: Err, [he watches the ghost’s head fly about the room] err, yes, yes it is.
Queen Gertrude: You hesitated, Edmund. It's not a sheep, is it?
Prince Edmund: No, of course it isn't a sheep!
Queen Gertrude: Well then, let me in!
Ghost of Richard III: [body together, standing] So, farewell, Edna! You'll be seeing me later. [his body walks off; his head remains]
Prince Edmund: Erm, have, er, have you got...transport? Erm, perhaps you'd like to borrow my horse again...or at all! I mean, not that you've borrowed it before...
Ghost of Richard III: [his body returns, gesturing for his head to follow] Coming! [leaves]
[Edmund opens the door and lets his mother enter his room]
Queen Gertrude: Are you all right, Edmund? [Edmund quickly removes and hides his crown behind his back] Why, you look as though you've just seen a ghost!
Prince Edmund: Er, yes?
Queen Gertrude: Hurry up, anyway. You're expected at the banquet!
[Henry is listening from the bed]
Prince Edmund: Erm, look, er, Mother, er...You won't tell anyone about my oversleeping, er, this morning and...and what have you, now will you?
Queen Gertrude: Now, would I, Edmund, do I tell people that your brother Harry is scared of spoons? Or that your father has very small private parts? [moves from the closet to the bed]
Prince Edmund: [trying to stop her] Oh! Mother!
Henry Tudor: [like a sheep] Baaaa! Baaaa!
Queen Gertrude: Oh, Edmund. It's the lying I find so hurtful...
Prince Edmund: [with uneasy grin] Baaaa...
[We cut to royal banquet. Edmund entered, and prepares to sit between his father and his brother, in Richard III’s seat]
Prince Edmund: So sorry I'm late...
King Richard IV: HOLD!!! [Edmund freezes in fear] YOU DARE SIT THERE, BOY?! That was King Richard's seat! Would you insult his ghost?!
Prince Edmund: Eugh, erm, no, no-sorry.
[The Ghost of Richard III appears in the chair, but only Edmund can see or hear it]
Ghost of Richard III: Yes, find your own chair, you smelly little dog's pizzle!
Prince Edmund: Eugh! [goes back to the his original spot at the end of the table]
King Richard IV: [speaking across where Ghost is, to Harry] How many prisoners have you got, Harry?
Ghost of Richard III: I'm not Harry. I'm Richard. "He's" Harry.
Prince Harry: [to his father] I've still got a couple of prisoners down in the dungeons, Father.
King Richard IV: [to Harry] Send a brace to my room, will you?
Prince Harry: [to his father] Very well. Do you want them hung?
Ghost of Richard III: [waving] Hello?
King Richard IV: [to Harry] No, fresh ones; I want to practice my backhand.
Ghost of Richard III: [still waving] Hello? Is anybody there?
Prince Harry: [to his father] Oh, I don't think you need to, the way you slaughtered Lord Snedley!
Ghost of Richard III: [still waving] Hello???
King Richard IV: [to Harry] Oh, I wish Uncle Dicky was here.
Ghost of Richard III: [to his nephew, who can't hear him] Don't "Dicky" me, Ducky.
King Richard IV: [stands up, bangs his gold wine pitcher on table three times, then holds up his goblet and speaks] Tonight, honored friends, we are gathered to celebrate a great victory, and to mourn a great loss. [after a moment of silence, he raises his goblet high] A toast: to our triumph!
Everyone: Our triumph!
[Ghost looks quite bored]
King Richard IV: And I raise a royal curse upon the man who slew Richard, our noble king!
Ghost of Richard III: [stands up, and points at Edmund] It, was, him!
Prince Edmund: [shocked] Oh my god!
King Richard IV: [to Edmund] Quiet at the end there! [to everyone] Whoever it was...
Ghost of Richard III: [seated again] It was him! Edna!
King Richard IV: [to everyone] Wherever he be...
Ghost of Richard III: [pointed to Edmund] He's down there at the end!
King Richard IV: [to everyone] He shall be struck down!
Ghost of Richard III: [to his nephew] Well then get on with it, you stupid oaf! He's there!
Prince Edmund: It wasn't me!
King Richard IV: [confused] Who said that?!
Ghost of Richard III: [pointed to Edmund] The idiot who killed me this afternoon!
Prince Edmund: I didn't!
King Richard IV: [fed up] Well then, who did?!
Prince Harry: It "was" actually Edmund who interrupted, Sire.
Ghost of Richard IV: Hang the little slug!
[Edmund screams and crawls under the table in fear]
King Richard IV: [bangs the pitcher on the table once more] I WILL HAVE SILENCE!!!! [raises his goblet once again] Another toast: to the dead King Richard.
Ghost of Richard III: Oh my god...
King Richard IV: Gentlemen...
Gentlemen: King Richard.
Ghost of Richard III: [still disgusted] Well, thank you, everyone. [sarcastically] Thank you. Thank you very much for nothing. Thank you so much. That's the last you'll be seeing of me...not that you've seen much of me, in any case. [fades away]
[Edmund is still on his knees on the floor, but crawls out from under the table, wipes his brow and sighs in relief]
King Richard IV: Now that we have silence, we shall continue with the ceremony of desecration. Produce the portrait of the pretender, Henry Tudor!
[A man carries the portrait down the room. People hiss and make general noises of unpleasantness]
Prince Edmund: [recognizing the same face of Henry Tudor in his bed] Oh my god!
[He crawls out of the room on his hands and knees]
[Following Edmund down inner hallway. From inside his room, the Ghost opens the door]
Ghost of Richard III: Good evening.
Prince Edmund: [to himself] Where's Henry Tudor?! [rushes to the bed]
Ghost of Richard III: [suddenly in the bed] Baaaa!
Prince Edmund: Oh no! Where is he?! Where is he?! [checking the closet]
Ghost of Richard III: [suddenly inside the closet, wiggles his fingers] WOO!!!
Prince Edmund: [looks out the window to see a horseman riding out of the castle. It is Henry Tudor, running away. He runs to the door, opened by Richard's ghost. He bows to Richard as he exits] Thank you, thank you so much.
[Edmund chases Henry on horseback out of the castle and into a meadow outside. We see the Ghost snapping his fingers, and the meadow suddenly is foggy. Edmund rides out of the fog, at a clearing in the woods, and to find three old witches, who bent over the cauldron]
Witches: Oooh...Oooh...Oooh...Oooh...
[Edmund dismounts his horse, stands next to them, and clears his throat]
Witches: [startled] Oooh!
Goncril: Hail!
Cordelia: Hail!
Regan: Hail!
Goncril: Ruler of men...
Cordelia: Ravisher of women...
Regan: Slayer of kings!
Prince Edmund: [annoyed] Be gone, hideous crones!
Goncril: Be not afraid...
Cordelia: Be not overcome with fear...
Regan: Be not paralyzed with terror...
Prince Edmund: [bored] Why have you lured me here, you loathsome drabs?
Regan: We bear good news.
Prince Edmund: What news could such repulsive harbingers convey?
Cordelia: Today has brought misfortune...
Goncril: But one day...
Witches: Oh, glorious day!
Cordelia: One day...
Witches: Oh, happy day!
Prince Edmund: [pause] Yes?
Witches: [points to Edmund] You shall be king!
Prince Edmund: Really?
Witches: Yes! Your Majesty! [bow]
Prince Edmund: [smiles] Well, that is good news, isn't it? [mounting his horse] God be with you, you snaggle-toothed vultures! [to himself] History, here I come! [rides off as the end credits starts]
[After the credits]
Cordelia: [confused] He wasn't as I expected.
Goncril: I thought he was very rude.
Cordelia: I thought Henry Tudor would be better looking.
Goncril: Yes, not so Jewish.
Regan: More like that man who rode by before.
Witches: [realizing their mistake] Oh!
Regan: We've done it again!
Cordelia: You silly witches!

Born to Be King

edit
[King Richard IV is about to set out on a crusade against the Turks]
Narrator: In 1486, the second year of Richard IV’s historic reign and also the year in which the egg replaced the worm as the lowest form of currency, King Richard departed England on a Crusade against the Turks.
King Richard IV: As the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!" [laughs]
Narrator: He left behind him his beloved son Prince Harry to rule as Regent in his stead.
King Richard IV: Farewell, dear Harry.
Prince Harry: Farewell, Father.
Narrator: ...And his slimy son Edmund to do the tasks most befitting him.
King Richard IV: [to Edmund] Edward... [he rode off with his men]
Baldrick: My lord, with the king gone...
Prince Edmund: Hmm? Of course! At last, a chance for some real power! [laughs in his ridiculous-sounding evil way]
[Opening theme]
[Twelve months later]
[Edmund is on horseback, with his sword raised in the air as he shouts]
Prince Edmund: Onward! Onward! I want you scums back to the castle by sundown, or you'll all be slaughtered! Onward! [the sounds of 'Baaa' are heard as Edmund speaks to his flock of sheep, in heavy snowfall] Come on! Come on! Keep going! I've just about had enough of you!
Sheep: Baaaaa!
Prince Edmund: Shut up!
Sheep: Baaaa! [they began to run]
Prince Edmund: Come on! No, that's not the way you're going. Stop! Where are you going? No, not away from the castle!
Sheep: Baaa!
Prince Edmund: Shut up!
[We cut to room in the castle]
Prince Harry: [standing by the fire, reading a note] Splendid! Splendid!
[Edmund enters the adjacent hallway]
Prince Edmund: [to sheep] Now look, you're not supposed to be here. That's far enough, now get out! [shuts door, and begins to walk down the hallway, shivering] If I could get my hands on that bastard brother, Harry...
Prince Harry: Ah, Edmund! [Edmund stops dead in his tracks in surprise, then continues walking, as though not hearing, behind a bit of a wall] Edmund? [Edmund reappears, in the next doorway] Ah, there you are. Splendid news, Edmund. Father's coming home! He writes here that he'll be back by St. Leonard's Day. Excellent! So we can celebrate both events together! Now then, I shall handle the visiting royalty, of course, er, the guards of honor, and the papal legate; and you can, er, you can sort out the frolics.
Prince Edmund: [to his dismay] The frolics?
Prince Harry: Yes, the Morris Dancers, the eunuchs, and the bearded women, you know: the traditional St. Leonard's Day entertainments. Oh damnation, though, I don't think I'm going to have enough time to attend to the drains. Edmund, you'll have to look into those as well.
Prince Edmund: [shivering from the cold] Oh, er, yes, fine, fine. I'd, I'd be honored.
Prince Harry: Good. You won't let me down, now, will you?
Prince Edmund: No, no, no, no. I'm, I'm really looking forward to it already. Thank you so very much.
Prince Harry: Splendid! [leaves]
Prince Edmund: Twelve months of chasing sheep and straightening the royal portraits, and now this. The bastard. The bastard!
Baldrick: [appears next to Edmund] If only he were, my lord.
Prince Edmund: What?
Baldrick: If only he were a bastard, my lord. Then you would be regent now.
Prince Edmund: Ah, yes. And one day...
Percy: [appears next to Edmund and Baldrick] You would be king, my lord.
Prince Edmund: Ah, yes, yes. I would be king! And then what?
Baldrick & Percy: You'd rule the world, my lord!
Prince: Precisely! It's just not fair, you know. Every other damn woman in the court has bastards, but not my mother, oh no. She's so damn pure, she hate to look down in case she notices her own breasts.
[We cut to hallway outside the throne room where Edmund's mother, Queen Gertrude, is talking with Countess Celia]
Countess Celia: You must be so looking forward to the king's return, Your Majesty.
Queen Gertrude: No.
Countess Celia: "No", milady? But think, he will come to your chamber and make mad, passionate love to you!
Queen Gertrude: Yes, I wish he wouldn't do that. Very difficult to sleep with that kind of thing going on. Being used all night long like the outside of a sausage roll.
Countess Celia: Still, there's the Saint Leonard's Day celebrations to look forward to. The jesters, the jugglers...
Queen Gertrude: The great brown ox, steaming and smoldering all night long.
Countess Celia: Oh yes, the feast!
Queen Gertrude: Sorry? No, I was thinking of something else.
Countess Celia: I do hope they've got the Morris dancers. I love them!
Queen Gertrude: Yes. I like the eunuchs.
Countess Celia: Oh yes, the eunuchs! I wish I owned one.
Queen Gertrude: I wish I'd married one.
[We cut to Edmund's bedroom]
Prince Edmund: [speaking to a woman who looks very apologetic] No, no; fine, fine; it could've happened to anyone. Never mind, never mind. [shuts the door] Oh, God, I don't believe it. We've only got one act, and she shaved her beard off.
Percy: There's always the eunuchs, My Lord.
Prince Edmund: Oh yes, so? The eunuchs and the Amazing Beardless Woman. What a line-up. Percy, there must be someone else, there must be! Look... [they look through some papers on the desk]
Percy: Ah, there's The Jumping Jews of Jerusalem, My Lord.
Prince Edmund: What do they do?
Percy: ...They jump, My Lord.
Prince Edmund: What?
Percy: They come in, My Lord, and they jump...a lot. It's a humorous act.
Prince Edmund: Nah dah dah! There must be something else, surely! Ah, what's this? "The Death of the Pharaoh": "Sir Dominick Prick and His Magnificent Strolling Wooferoonies perform the tragic ancient Egyptian masterpiece 'The Death of the Pharaoh'." Well, that sounds funny.
Percy: No, no, no. I find that very moving, My Lord.
Prince Edmund: Well, it better be funny, or Prick will get his comeuppance, I can tell you. Now, book him.
Baldrick: My Lord, what about Jerry Meriwether and His Four Chickens?
Prince Edmund: [sarcastic] What do they do? Lay eggs?
Baldrick: Yes, My Lord.
Prince Edmund: [desperate] Oh, all right, all right, we'll have them, we'll have them.
[There is a knock at the door, and Percy opens it to find the messenger holding out a note]
Messenger: My Lord...
[Percy takes the note and slams the door in the messenger's face. He gives the note to Edmund, who opens it, read it, and closes it]
Percy: Wha–What is it, My Lord?
Prince Edmund: [slowly, and seriously] The eunuchs have cancelled.
Baldrick: Oh dear.
Prince Edmund: Ha! I should have known, never trust a eunuch!
Percy: What are we going to do?
Prince Edmund: Well, I know what I'm going to do. Baldrick, give me an execution order. I'm gonna teach them a lesson they'll never forget. I'll remove whatever extraneous parts of their bodies still remain. [makes out the order, and goes to the door. Upon opening it, he finds the messenger, who is still waiting for his tip, while holding out his hand]
Messenger: My Lord...
Prince Edmund: Take that to Lord Chancellor, thank you. [puts the order in the messenger's hand and slams the door] Oh God, this is desperate! Desperate!
Percy: We could have the Morris dancers, My Lord.
Prince Edmund: Now look, we are not that desperate! Morris dancing is the most fatuous entertainment ever devised by man. Forty effeminate blacksmiths waving bits of cloth they've just wiped their noses on...How it's still going on in this day and age, I'll never know.
Percy: [confused] Sorry, so do you want them or not?
[Edmund hits Percy over the head with a scrolled paper as Harry enters]
Prince Harry: Ah, Edmund!
(Edmund begins jumping, hitting Percy and himself with the paper, looking like a Morris dance. Percy and Baldrick join in, and all of them hit each other on the head with bits of paper)
Prince Edmund: ...And rest.
Prince Harry: [applauds] Oh, splendid! and how are the rest of the entertainments coming along?
Prince Edmund: Erm, very very well indeed. Umm, I think it's going to have a slightly Spartan look.
Prince Harry: What, Greek?
Prince Edmund: Er...yes, that's right. Yes, um...Greek.
Prince Harry: Oh good. Everyone turning up?
Prince Edmund: Oh absolutely everyone. So many people in fact, I'm afraid I've had to let the eunuchs go.
Prince Harry: Oh, no no no no no no!
Prince Edmund: No?
Prince Harry: No! That won't do at all, not on St. Leonard's Day, because, well correct me if I'm wrong, Lord Percy, but, er, St. Leonard himself was an eunuch.
[Edmund, behind Harry, shakes his head at Percy]
Percy: [obeys Edmund's head movement, but knows the correct answer] Yyyyyes, that's right.
[Harry, confused, turns back to Edmund, who is still shaking his head, and suddenly hit himself on the head with the paper, as though he was just dancing again]
Prince Edmund: Well, that's why I thought it might be more tactful if–
Prince Harry: Oh, no no no no no no no. To leave out the eunuchs on St. Leonard's Day would be like, well, it would be like leaving out the Morris dancers, or the bearded women! [Edmund, Percy and Baldrick all pretend to laugh at the absurd thought] Besides, Lord Dougal McAngus, the King's Supreme Commander, is expected at the feast, and, as you know, eunuchs are his particular favorite.
Prince Edmund: [confused] Hmm?
Prince Harry: He's Scottish, you see.
Prince Edmund: Ahhhh!
Prince Harry: Good, good. Well, I'm relying on you, Edmund. Carry on. [exits]
Prince Edmund: So! Some carrot-faced, thistle-arsed Scottish orangutan wants a eunuch, does he?!
Percy: Apparently he's a great warrior, My Lord...
Prince Edmund: Yes, that's what they all say, those Scots. They're just barbarians! Half of them can't even speak English.
Baldrick: What do they speak?
Prince Edmund: I don't know, it's all Greek to me.
Percy: They speak Greek?
Prince Edmund: No, I mean it sounds like Greek.
Percy: Well, if sounds like Greek, it probably is Greek.
Prince Edmund: It's not Greek!
Percy: ...But it sounds like Greek. "What's not Greek but sounds like Greek?" That's a good one, My Lord!
Prince Edmund: Look, it's not meant to be a brainteaser, Percy! I'm simple telling you that I cannot understand a blind word they're saying!
Percy: Well, no wonder, My Lord, you never learned Greek, of course.
Prince Edmund: [calmly] Percy, have you ever wondered what your insides look like?
Percy: Sometimes, My Lord, yes.
Prince Edmund: [holds up a knife, shouting] Then I'd be perfectly willing to satisfy your curiosity! Is that clear?! Is it?! [Percy nods as he lowers his knife] Oh my God, this Scotsman's beginning to annoy me already. I'm the Duke of Edinburgh, you know, and Laird of Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles. I can make things very difficult for him. As for these entertainments, oh, I don't know...Baldrick, you've got a beard, go and get yourself a nice dress.
Baldrick: [excited] Oh, great, My Lord! [exits]
Prince Edmund: Percy, you'd better go and get Bernard the Bear Baiter...
Percy: Yes, My Lord. [begins to leave]
Prince Edmund: ...Looks like we'll be needing him. Oh, and, Percy...
Percy: Yes, My Lord?
Prince Edmund: Tell him to bring a bear this time. [Percy leaves as he speaks to himself] The improvising last year was pathetic!
[Inside the dining room, everyone awaits for McAngus' arrival]
Prince Harry: [stands] Now then, Mother: a toast to Father's return.
[A fanfare was played; enter a man, on horseback, wearing a horned helmet]
Prince Harry: What the devil?! [then he realizes who it is] It's McAngus!
Queen Gertrude: [excited] Oh, but of course!
[McAngus dismounts his horse, removes his helmet, gives it to the guard, then takes a couple bags from his horse, and approaches the table]
Dougal McAngus: Noble Harry, Prince of Wales, Dougal McAngus greets you, and lays at your feet the spoils of an enemy at war. [dumps the contents of a bag on the table; a severed human head] Oh, sorry, that's my overnight bag. [dumps another bag on the table; gold Turkish goblets etc] Behold! Treasures torn from the torsos of the Turks!
Prince Harry: Oh, McAngus! It fills me with joy and hope to see you! [they shake hands firmly] What news of my father, the King?
Dougal McAngus: When I last saw him, he swore he would be back for the Feast of St. Leonard, or die in the attempt.
Prince Harry: God forfend! We shall pray for his safe return. Join us! Join us! You must be starving.
Dougal McAngus: [motions behind him] And young Lochinvar?
Prince Harry: [looking toward the doorway] Oh yes, and him too.
Dougal McAngus: Come on, Lochinvar! [leads his horse to the table; the Queen is shocked. He steps over the table and sits down beside her, where Harry had motioned for him to sit] Ye must be the King's wee bit of rumpy-pumpy, eh?
Queen Gertrude: [confused] I am the Queen.
Dougal McAngus: Aye, aye. Listen, I got a message for you. My father asked me to send his regards to you.
Queen Gertrude: Do I know him?
Dougal McAngus: Och, I think ye can say that, yes, he's Donald McAngus, Third Duke of Argyll. [laughs]
Queen Gertrude: [very shocked] Oh...
[There is an extremely poorly played fanfare; Edmund enters, and sneers at the trumpeter]
Prince Harry: Ah, Edmund, there you are. McAngus, this is the man who's providing the entertainments for us tomorrow.
Dougal McAngus: Ah, the eunuch! [hands Edmund a coin] Here's a groat for your trouble.
Prince Edmund: [holding back his anger, which raises the pitch of his voice] Agghh, I am not a eunuch!
Dougal McAngus: You sound like one to me.
Prince Edmund: [clears his throat] I am not a eunuch, I am the Duke of Edinburgh.
Dougal McAngus: [chuckles] Och, you are, are you?
Prince Edmund: Yes!
Dougal McAngus: [to Queen Gertrude] Same old story, eh? The Duke of Edinburgh's about as Scottish as the Queen of England's tits! [the Queen is enormously shocked] Och. No offense, Your Majesty.
Prince Edmund: I'm sorry, you're in my chair.
Dougal McAngus: [while eating] Don't apologize.
[Edmund is quite inflamed; he bends down on his knees, because there are no chairs left]
Prince Harry: [standing up, holding a large document] Well, now we've all got to know each other, I have rather a special announcement to make.
Dougal McAngus: Don't tell me ye're a eunuch as well!
Prince Harry: McAngus, as reward for your heroic deeds in battle, my father here empowers me to grant you anything that you may desire of me.
Prince Edmund: [sotto voce] If he's got any sense, he'll ask for a haircut.
Dougal McAngus: (stands) My Lord, I'm honored. All I ask for is a scrap of land. Grant me fair Selkirk, and the noble sire of Roxburgh.
Prince Edmund: [standing up in shock] What?!
Prince Harry: Very well. By the power invested in me–
Prince Edmund: Er, excuse me...Erm, I'm sorry to dip my little fly in your ointment, but, er, those lands do, in fact, belong to me.
Prince Harry: Yes?
Prince Edmund: Well, so, perhaps, perhaps he'd like to choose somewhere else.
Prince Harry: McAngus?
Dougal McAngus: No, no; I'll have Roxburgh and Selkirk.
Prince Edmund: But that leaves me with Peebles!
Dougal McAngus: Oh, aye! And Peebles.
Prince Edmund: [flabbergasted] B-B–But...
Prince Harry: Are you trying to say something, Edmund?
Prince Edmund: [sarcastically] Well, I don't know, I mean, some people might say, "Well! What an absurd idea, giving away half of Scotland to a kilted maniac for slaughtering a couple of syphilitic Turks!" [McAngus reaches across the table and grabs him] Au contraire! I say, "Let's reward him."
Prince Harry: Good, good! So be it! [he and McAngus laughs and shake hands]
Prince Edmund: [still being hold firmly by McAngus, while holding his anger] Hurray!
[We cut to Edmund's bedroom where Baldrick is in a dress and wig, twirling around in front of Percy, who nodded. Then Edmund enters in anger]
Prince Edmund: I'm gonna kill him, and I'm gonna kill him now!
Percy: Who, My Lord?
Prince Edmund: That stinking Scottish weasel!
Baldrick: Why, My Lord?
Prince Edmund: Because he's a thieving stinking Scottish weasel, that's why! [goes to get a knife]
Percy: How?
Prince Edmund: I'm gonna stab him!
Baldrick: Where?
Prince Edmund: In the Great Hall and in the bladder! [begins to sharpen a knife]
Percy: But if you do it in front of everybody, won't they suspect something?
Prince Edmund: Ah, yes, a drawback. Yes...Perhaps we need something a little more cunning.
Baldrick: I have a cunning plan.
Prince Edmund: Yes, perhaps, but I think I may have a more cunning one.
Baldrick: Well, mine's pretty cunning, My Lord.
Prince Edmund: Yes, but not cunning enough, I imagine.
Baldrick: Well, that depends how cunning you mean, My Lord.
Prince Edmund: Well, pretty damn cunning. How cunning do you think I mean?
Baldrick: Well, mine's quite cunning, My Lord.
Prince Edmund: [fed up] Alright, then, let's hear it! Let's hear what's so damn cunning!
Baldrick: Right, well, first of all, you get him to come with you–
Prince Edmund: [sarcastically] Oh yes, very cunning. Brilliantly cunning. I ask him to come with me and then-then stab him, perhaps. How cunning can you get?
Baldrick: No, My Lord. You get this enormous great cannon–
Prince Edmund: [as though the idea is ridiculous] Oh, I see, I take him outside, get him to stick his head down a cannon and then blow it off.
Baldrick: [simultaneously] Blow it off! Yeah!
Prince Edmund: Oh, yes, Baldrick, that's [thinks about it] ...that's a wonderful idea. [looking at the paper] No. I think I have a plan that will give us a little more...entertainment. [laughs]
[Then they hear a noise outside. Edmund looks out the window, and saw McAngus leaving. Then he leaves his room to follow him]
[Edmund goes outside, and finds a woman riding a horse, sidesaddle. He bows to her, then grabs her feet and pushes her off the mount. He then follows McAngus, who is out for a hunt. Edmund sneaks up behind, but gets caught in one of McAngus' animal snare traps]
Prince Edmund: Aaahhhhh!
Dougal McAngus: [without looking] Can I help you?
Prince Edmund: Um, no, no. I'm fine, thank you.
Dougal McAngus: Good.
[Long pause]
Prince Edmund: I'm not in your way over here, am I?
Dougal McAngus: No.
Prince Edmund: Oh, there is just, er, one thing. Um...I was wondering if you could do me a little favor.
Dougal McAngus: [finally stands up and turns to Edmund] Uh-huh?
Prince Edmund: Erm, I was wondering if you'd like to help with the celebrations tonight.
Dougal McAngus: How? By stayin' away, do you mean?
[Edmund chuckles a bit, but then starts to scream as McAngus raises an axe. McAngus chops Edmund's bindings; Edmund falls to the forest floor, and remains lying there, trying to look casual]
Prince Edmund: Erm, well, the thing is: um, we were hoping to present a mystery play by one of our leading Thespianic troupes, erm, but, unfortunately, one of their number is ill, erm, and I thought you'd be the perfect person to [standing up] ...to take his place.
Dougal McAngus: Well, I warn you; [swipes down at the ground, killing a badger] I'm no actor.
Prince Edmund: Well, there shouldn't be much acting required. [McAngus tosses the badger's corpse aside] Erm, it's an ancient Egyptian piece, er, called "The Death of the Scotsman".
Dougal McAngus: I'll have a crack at it. [throws a knife at a creature, which screams]
Prince Edmund: You...You could play the Scotsman, if you like, who...who dies at the end of the play.
Dougal McAngus: Oh! Acting dead! Now that I can do. [walks off]
Prince Edmund: Yes, well, as I say: there...there may not be much acting required. [grins evilly to himself, then walks off]
Dougal McAngus: [off-screen] Oh, and er, mind the weasel pit.
Prince Edmund: [falls in] Aaahhhhh!
[We dissolve to the entertainments. The Jumping Jews are literally jumping, all at apparently different rhythms, despite the rhythmic twang of a Jew's harp. Harry and Queen Gertrude look bored. Edmund takes a bit of cloth backstage, checks that no one is looking, then replaces fake, sliding-blade knives for the play with real ones, which are wrapped in the cloth he was carrying. After wrapping up the fake knives, he whispers to Percy, who takes the cloth-wrapped fake knives away. Then Edmund tests the real knives by sticking one into the table, but he's unable to pull it out. He turns around, hiding the real knife stuck in the table, as Prick and his Wooferoonies arrive, waving their arms in the air]
Sir Dominick Prick: Tall trees! Let's see those branches waving and swaying in the breeze. Taller, taller, taller. Now smaller! [they all crouch down] Small trees, very small...
Prince Edmund: Ah, Sir Dominick! Have you made the necessary changes?
Sir Dominick Prick: Yes, My Lord.
[Edmund finally pulls out the knife, but his energy propels him into Prick and the Wooferoonies. He conceals the knife as McAngus enters, wearing a pharaoh's headdress and carrying an Egyptian cane-thing, very drunk]
Prince Edmund: Ah! McAngus! Meet your murderers.
[Prick and the Wooferoonies continue their warm-up, crouching down and then rising while saying a slow "Woof!" McAngus looks a bit baffled. The Jumping Jews finish their act, to very little applause. They go backstage, where Prick is singing a "mi". One of the Wooferoonies stops one of the Jews.]
Wooferoonie 1: How did it go?
Jumping Jew: Er, not bad. [removes his false beard to reveal his real beard underneath] But, er, you know, I don't really think they understood it.
[Prick and the Wooferoonies sheath their knives and begin the play]
Sir Dominick Prick: We three are gathered with most bold intent...
Wooferoonie 1: Here by the banks of the graceful Nile...
Sir Dominick Prick: Where camels ride and deserts blow...
Wooferoonie 2: To spill the blood of this Scotsman vile...
Queen Gertrude: [to Harry] What is a Scotsman doing in Egypt?
Prince Harry: I'm not sure, but apparently they've had very good reviews.
[Meanwhile, backstage]
Dougal McAngus: [to Edmund] You see your mother there? [Edmund nods] I met my father on my way back from France. Apparently, him and your mother used to [bends his arm with a clenched fist] way-hey-hey!
Prince Edmund: Look, don't be absurd; such activities are totally beyond my mother. My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhea.
Dougal McAngus: Don't you believe it. I got some letters I took, and by God! They're hot stuff! I tell you, they certainly cast a wee shadow of doubt over the patronage of young Harry for a start!
Prince Edmund: Look, don't be absu–[realizes what that would mean]
[Meanwhile, on stage]
Wooferoonie 1: Silence!
Prince Edmund: [to McAngus, backstage] What?!
Wooferoonie 2: Listen! A bagpipe strums. Behold! This way our victim comes. For never was there a tyrant...
Dougal McAngus: [backstage] Oh that's my cue! I'm on!
Prince Edmund: Letters? Letters? Where are these letters?
Dougal McAngus: They're safely hidden away. I'll show ye them later. [went on stage]
Prince Edmund: Oh, all right. [realizes that won't be possible]
Wooferoonie 1: Hark! It's the shadow of yonder mighty Fen Ness!
Wooferoonie 2: Tutankhamen McPerson, you come not a wait too soon; for is this not the weather fair for this, the ides of June?
Dougal McAngus: [acting really badly] Aye, t'is. What business do you mean?
[backstage, Edmund is desperate. He comes up behind Percy and Baldrick, who watch the play through peepholes, eagerly awaiting the murder]
Prince Edmund: Quick! Oh my God! McAngus is going to die!
Percy: And not a moment too soon!
Baldrick: Carrot-faced orangutan!
Percy: Thieving Scots weasel!
Baldrick and Percy: Death to the Scot!!!
Prince Edmund: No, no! Look, he knows too much!
Percy: [dramatically] That is why he must die!
Prince Edmund: No, he mustn't! He mustn't! He has vital information. I've changed my mind! I've changed my mind! Oh my God! What am I going to do?
Baldrick: Er, stop the show, My Lord.
Prince Edmund: How? How?
Percy: Just say "Stop!"
Prince Edmund: What's our reason? What's our reason for stopping the show?
Percy: Because the knives are real and McAngus is just about to get killed.
Prince Edmund: Oh, you bastard! [picks up a knife and stabs Percy, but it's one of the fake knives. He then gets an idea]
Baldrick: Go on, My Lord! Quick!
[Edmund hurriedly fits the cloth over his head in an Egyptian fashion, and pranced on stage just as Prick and the Wooferoonies were about to very dramatically stab McAngus for real]
Prince Edmund: Stop! [trying to act] Sorry I'm late. [stabs McAngus with a fake knife, but McAngus doesn't move. He stabs him again, but McAngus still doesn't move. Then he pushes McAngus onto the floor]
Dougal McAngus: Och, aye! [falls over] Auugh!
[Harry is extremely bored. Only one man and one woman applaud, very slowly]
[Later, McAngus shows the letters to Edmund, who laughs triumphantly]
Prince Edmund: Good, excellent! It's certainly my mother's handwriting. When did you say these were written?
Dougal McAngus: Er, 1460.
Prince Edmund: The year my brother was born... [laughs] Baldrick, get in here! [Baldrick enters] Baldrick, get out there and tell everyone that the rest of the entertainments have been cancelled.
Baldrick: Why?
Prince Edmund: "Why"? Because I told you to, you silly little rat!
Baldrick: No, why have they been cancelled, My Lord?
Prince Edmund: Oh, I see. Well, tell them I have a very important announcement to make. [laughs]
Baldrick: Does that mean I have to take the dress off?
Prince Edmund: Oh, get out, get out, get out! Out, out, out, out!
[As Baldrick left, McAngus reaches between Baldrick's legs from behind]
Dougal McAngus: You know, if you played your cards right, you could become King.
Prince Edmund: Ah yes, one day.
Dougal McAngus: Ah, sooner than you think, maybe. The last time I saw your father, he'd just charged into Constantinople when they shut the gates on him.
Prince Edmund: [excited] Oh?
Dougal McAngus: Aye. Ten thousand of the Turks were there armed with scimitars, and your father with a small knife for peelin' fruit.
[Edmund can barely contain himself, covering his mouth as he giggles]
[Back at the entertainments, a man on stage shoos away his four chickens, who have just laid eggs]
Prince Harry: Jerry Meriwether...another nail in the coffin of variety.
Queen Gertrude: I liked Bernard the Rabbit Baiter.
Prince Edmund: [arriving on stage with Percy and McAngus] Thank you, thank you.
Prince Harry: Look, Edmund, is this announcement going to take long? I haven't seen hide nor hair of a eunuch yet.
Prince Edmund: Oh, don't worry, Harry. It will soon all be over. My dear mother, my dear brother, lords and ladies of the court: Today, there came into my possession, from the hands, My Lord, of your faithful servant, Dougal McAngus, certain letters, rather extraordinary letters, concerning the lineage of Prince Harry.
Queen Gertrude: [confused] Letters? What is so extraordinary about them?
Prince Harry: [confused as well] Letters?
Prince Edmund: Well, Harry, they were written by your mother to your father. [Harry chuckles, no longer worrying] Your father, Harry, being, of course, Donald, Third Duke of Argyll.
[The Queen is extremely shocked. Baldrick puts a hand on her shoulder]
Prince Harry: [shocked as well] I beg your pardon?!
Prince Edmund: These letters are of quite an intimate nature. Let me give you an example. [takes one from Percy, who mouths the words as he reads] "Arundel; Thursday. My dear Hairy-wairy: Often when you sit at table with my husband, probing deeply into the affairs of state, I long for the day when you will probe deeply–"
[The Queen nearly faints from shock, but Baldrick catches her]
Prince Harry: Edmund! Are you sure you know what you are saying?!
Prince Edmund: As sure as our mother was, Harry, when she wrote these words: [takes another one from Percy, who mouths again as he reads] "Dear Big-boy: Sail south! As you know, your galleon is always assured a warm welcome in my harbor."
Prince Harry: "Big-boy"?! Mother, do you know anything about this?!
Queen Gertrude: What chance did I have? I was just a little foreign girl.
Prince Harry: Then I must renounce the Regency and hie me to a monastery. Edmund, you shall be Regent until...your father returns.
Prince Edmund: The King will not be returning.
Prince Harry: [shocked] WHAT?!?!
Queen Gertrude: [smiling] Oh dear.
Prince Edmund: No, when McAngus last saw him, he was facing half the Turkish army, armed only with a small piece of cutlery. So, Percy, if you'd like to start things off... [goes to stand where Harry was sitting]
Percy: [standing on a table] The King is dead! Long live the King! [people join in] The King is dead! Long live the King!
Prince Harry: "Probably" dead!
[The incidental music stops suddenly with a short pause]
Percy: The King is probably dead! [people join in again] Long live the King! The King is probably dead! Long live the King! The King is–
[King Richard IV suddenly returns]
'Percy: [relieved] Not dead!
Percy & all: Long live the King!
[Everyone cheers while Percy gets down from the table]
King Richard IV: BLOOD! DEATH! WAR! RUMPY-PUMPY! TRIUMPH! [tosses down his lance and laughs, then sees McAngus] MCANGUS!!! [they embrace] My companion in blood, and most trusted friend!
Dougal McAngus: [smiles] Ye made it!
King Richard IV: I made it, thanks to my trusty fruit knife! [runs the tiny knife across his throat, and laughs; then stops to see the shocked Edmund standing next to the Queen] Wait a minute. [climbs onto the table] What's going on here? [points at Edmund) Who are you?!
Queen Gertrude: He's our son.
King Richard IV: What?! [does a double-take] Oh, yes! Of course! Enid!
Prince Edmund: Er, my beloved father, certain letters have come to light which might change things a bit around here.
King Richard IV: Letters? What letters?
Prince Edmund: They speak of acts of love between your wife and Donald, the Gay Dog of the Glens. [reads] "How I long to be in that kingdom between the saffron sheets where you and your ruler are the only ruler." [Queen nearly faints again] And then acts of love consummated, "Oh, you enormous Scotsman," et cetera. And these letters are dated November and December 1460, which, Harry, in relation to your date of birth, [Harry checks the dates on the letters] is precisely nine months bef–
Prince Harry: "After" I was born!
Douglas McAngus: [smiling] But about nine months before "your" birth, Edmund.
Prince Edmund: [fuming] OOOOHHHHH!!!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!!!
Prince Harry: No, I think "you're" the bastard, Edmund.
[Everyone laughs]
King Richard IV: SILENCE!!!! I want an explanation!!!
Prince Edmund: Er, My Liege, the reason I have gathered you all here today [gathers the letters, and approaches McAngus] is to try to get some proper justice meted out against this Scottish turd who has clearly forged these obviously fake letters!
King Richard IV: Let me see them!
Prince Edmund: No, I rip them up in his face so that no hint of their filthy slander can remain. [does so, and picks up a piece he dropped, then rushes to the fireplace and tosses them in. He then returns to McAngus] You come in here, fresh from slaughtering a couple of chocos when their backs were turned, and you think you can upset the harmony of a whole kingdom?! I challenge you to a duel!
Dougal McAngus: To the death!!!
Prince Edmund: [weakly] Erm...yes, alright.
King Richard IV: Excellent idea! After all, it is St. Leonard's Day! There's meant to be some entertainment! [laughs as he climbs down to them] Good. Very good. Take your places. [Edmund and McAngus go to opposite ends of the stage, Edmund mutters a prayer. He goes over to McAngus and rubs his lucky fruit knife along McAngus' sword] It's the old times again, McAngus.
Dougal McAngus: Three humans and the human kebab! [thrusts his sword straight up; he and King laugh]
King Richard IV: How could I ever forget! [shouts] Very well! Let the killing begin!
[Edmund draws his fencing sword, and silly waves it about, trying to look like a skilled swordsman. As soon as Edmund stops moving his sword, McAngus swings his sword and slices the fencing blade off]
Dougal McAngus: Let's see the Black Adder wriggle out of this one! [puts his sword to Edmund's neck]
Prince Edmund: Er, look...
[McAngus paused]
King Richard IV: Come on! What's the hold up?
Prince Edmund: Er, I'll give you everything I own! Everything!
Dougal McAngus: Uh-huh?
Prince Edmund: I'm, I'm hardly a rich man.
King Richard IV: You're hardly a man at all! [laughs]
Prince Edmund: But, but my horse must be worth a thousand ducats. I can sell my wardrobe, the pride of my life, my swords, my curtains, my socks, and my fighting cocks. My servants I can live without, except perhaps he who oils my rack. [the King yawns] And then my most intimate treasures: my collection of antique codpieces, my wigs for state occasions, my wigs for private occasions, and my wigs, heh, for humorous occasions; my collection of pokers, my Grendel-stretchers, my ornamental pomfreys, and, of course, my autographed miniature of Judas Iscariot.
Dougal McAngus: [turns to the crowd and laughs] That's nowhere near enough! [prepares to thrust; Edmund covers his face; McAngus then lowers his sword] Och, I'm only kiddin'! [mutters to Edmund] Actually, I'm quite interested in the wigs. Er, never mind. [playfully hit Edmund in the arm, then walks over to King, but shouts back to Edmund, who is slowly leaving] Hey! I hope life doesn't become too dull now that you will know be able to pass laws over Scotland.
Prince Edmund: [nods, then turns and speaks in his sotto voce] I wouldn't pass water over Scotland.
[We dissolve to room outside the throne room. King is looking out the window, bored]
King Richard IV: (muttering) I'm fed up.
Prince Harry: We're all terribly pleased you're back, Father.
King Richard IV: I'm not. I miss the smell of blood in my nostrils, and the queen's 'got a headache'.
Prince Harry: Oh dear. But we do have a fascinating week ahead. In fact, the Archbishop of York has asked me if you'd care to join his formation Italian dance class, and I really ought to give him an answer.
King Richard IV: Do you want me to be honest or tactful?
Prince Harry: Er, tactful, I think.
King Richard IV: Tell him to get stuffed!
Prince Harry: Right.
King Richard IV: Has the little hooligan McAngus left?
Prince Harry: No, Edmund's giving him a last look round the castle now.
[We cut to outside at the top of the castle, and Edmund shows McAngus the view from an archer's battlement, then turns away]
Prince Edmund: ...While this... [shows McAngus a cannon]
[We cut back to the King and Harry]
King Richard IV: [to Harry] Well, I'll be sorry to see him go.
[We cut back to the roof]
Dougal McAngus: [with his head down the mouth of the cannon] Och, very interestin'. [Edmund moves to behind the cannon]
[Back inside]
Prince Harry: [to his father] Yes, and so will Edmund. They've become firm friends.
[Then a very loud sound is heard from outside]
Prince Harry: What the devil?!
King Richard IV: The Turks!
Prince Harry: The drains!
Prince Edmund: Father! Harry! There's been rather a messy accident. You must come quickly!
Prince Harry: Oh my God! I shall need my plunger! [rushs out, followed by the King]
[Edmund jumps for joy as the end credits starts]

The Archbishop

edit
Narrator: England, November, 1487. The battle between the church and the crown continues to rage, and the Duke of Winchester, the greatest landowner in England, is dying.
[The Duke of Winchester is on his deathbed, and both King Richard IV and Godfrey, the Archbishop of Canterbury, are by his side with ready-made wills]
Duke of Winchester: Dying, my lords? Am I dying?
Archbishop Godfrey: Never.
King Richard IV: [laughs] Never!
Archbishop Godfrey: Yet, my son, to pass away the idle hours until your recovery- [the Duke moans in pain] Let us imagine you yourself were to pass away. To whom would you leave your lands?
King Richard IV: Ah, to me, of course.
Duke of Winchester: Yes. To my beloved king.
Archbishop Godfrey: May your filthy soul be prepared for Hell, my son.
Duke of Winchester: Hell?
Archbishop Godfrey: Yes, Hell, where Satan belches fire and enormous devils break wind night and day. Hell, where your mind is never free from the torments of remorse, and your bottom never free from the pricking of little forks.
Duke of Winchester: No! Spare me the little forks!
King Richard IV: [confused] What is this nonsense?
Archbishop Godfrey: Hell, where the softest parts of your nether regions are everybody else's favorite lunch.
Duke of Winchester: Oh, Christ! [to King Richard] Forgive me, Sire. I must change my will and leave my land to the Church.
King Richard IV: [shocked] WHAT?!
Archbishop Godfrey: Blessed be thy stainless soul.
King Richard IV: [to Duke] Ah, you will change your mind later. I know it.
[With a final, weak moan, the Duke dies]
Archbishop Godfrey: [smugly] I think not.
[King Richard IV, enraged, looks around and sees one of his men standing in the room, wearing a helmet with a spike coming out the top]
[Opening theme]
[We cut to the Great Hall where Baldrick goes over to Edmund and Percy]
Prince Edmund: Ah, Baldrick! What news?
Baldrick: Well, my lord, an informed source tells me that the Duchess of Gloucester has given birth to twin goblins.
Prince Edmund: No, no, no! About the Duke of Winchester!
Baldrick: Oh, he's still hanging on.
Percy: He must be on his last legs by now, my lord.
Prince Edmund: Yes, but how many sets of legs has that man got? Really, I wish he'd make up his mind, either he dies, or he lives forever! It's his silly-sallying that's so undignified.
Messenger: [enters] my lord, I come with tragic news.
Prince Edmund: What, died at last, has he?
Messenger: Who, my lord?
Prince Edmund: [sarcastically] Oh, I see. Now the idea is that you ask me what the message is before you tell it to me! Quite brilliant, I must say. I was referring to the Duke of Winchester. [put his hands on his hips]
Messenger: [put his own hands on his own hips] "Who", my lord?
Prince Edmund: [notices that Messenger has copied his gesture] Right. Let's try to sort this out in words of one syllable, shall we? [folds his arms; Messenger folds his own arms] Someone has died, yes?
Messenger: Yes, my lord.
Prince Edmund: [leans forward] Who is it that has died?
Messenger: [leans forward also] The Archbishop of Canterbury, my lord.
Prince Edmund: Are you a cretin?
Messenger: Yes, my lord.
Prince Edmund: [suddenly shocked] The Archbishop of Canterbury?! [the messenger nods] Oh no, the King has done it again! That's the third this year. [raising an upturned hand] How did this one die?
Messenger: [raising an upturned hand] Horribly, my lord.
Prince Edmund: [raise his other hand] Any details?
Messenger: [raise his other hand] Horribly is all I was given.
[Edmund noticed that messenger had copied his gesture as Harry entered]
Prince Harry: Ah, Edmund, there you are.
Messenger: [to Harry] my lord, I come with tragic news.
Prince Harry: [annoyed] I've heard it! Will you go away?! [the messenger leaves] Oh, dear, Edmund: The Archbishop of Canterbury has met with the most tragic accident! There seems to be some confusion, but I think I've fathomed out on how it came about.
Prince Edmund: Yes, I think I've got a pretty shrewd idea myself.
Prince Harry: You see, Archbishop Godfrey was coming out of the Duke of Winchester's room-
Prince Edmund: ...Who had just died, leaving all his lands to the Church?
Prince Harry: Well, as a matter of fact, yes.
Prince Edmund: And so the King was really after his blood, presumably.
Prince Harry: Well, I dare say, but the point of the matter is that, at that moment, round the corner, came Sir Tavish Mortimer.
Prince Edmund: The King's hired killer...
Prince Harry: No, no, no. Mortimer, that tall, rather striking fellow with no ears.
Prince Edmund: Yes, that's him.
Prince Harry: Well, he saw the Archbishop and rushed towards him with his head bowed, in order to receive his blessing, and, er, unfortunately, killed him stone dead.
Prince Edmund: How?
Prince Harry: Mortimer was wearing a Turkish helmet.
Prince Edmund: Oh, I see, yes, one of those with the two feet spike coming out of the top?
Prince Harry: It's one of those things they normally use for butting their enemies in the stomach and [Edmund joins in] killing them stone dead.
Prince Edmund: [sarcastically] Yes, so, presumably he'd forgotten he was wearing it.
Prince Harry: Well, do you know, that's exactly what the poor fellow had done! A tragic accident...tragic.
Prince Edmund: Ah yes, almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram being struck by a falling gargoyle while swimming off Beachy Head.
Prince Harry: Quite, quite. And nearly as tragic as poor old Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral. Oh Lord, you do work in mysterious ways. I just don't know how I'm going to break it to his catamite. [leaves]
Percy: What a tragic accident, my lord.
Prince Edmund: Accident, my codling!
[That night, Edmund, Percy and Baldrick sit before a fire]
Percy: Who do you think will take over?
Prince Edmund: Oh, I don't know. It'll be one of the bishop fellows, I should imagine. They tend to go for religious types.
Baldrick: Rumor has it, my lord, that the King wants to choose Prince Harry.
Prince Edmund: [not paying much attention to Baldrick] Oh really?
Baldrick: [driving home the point] Prince Harry, Archbishop, my lord...?
Prince Edmund: [perked up] Good lord! Prince Harry, Archbishop! And we all know what happens to Archbishops, don't we?
Percy: Yes! They go to Canterbury.
Prince Edmund: No no no no no no no! [makes a quacking noise as he runs his finger across his throat]
Percy: Oh yes! [makes the same sound and gesture; he and Edmund laugh]
Prince Edmund: Are you sure about your source, Baldrick?
Baldrick: Yeah, it was Jane Smart. You know, she was the one who told me about the Duchess of Kent and the chocolate chastity belt.
Prince Edmund: Oh yes! She's quite reliable! Well! With Harry gone, [all three do throat-cutting finger gestures; Edmund stands, they do too] the Black Adder will be...
Percy and Baldrick: King!...Next.
Prince Edmund: Yes. Today could be one of the most important days of my life so far. Percy, I shall require my most splendid garments for the ceremonies.
Percy: [bows] Certainly, my lord. Hat, my lord?
Prince Edmund: Trojan, I think.
Percy: Boots, my lord?
Prince Edmund: The Italian.
Percy: ...And codpiece, my lord?
Prince Edmund: Well, let's go for the Black Russian, shall we? It always terrifies the clergy! [laughs ridiculously]
[We cut to the court where Edmund wears a ridiculous metal helmet, an enormous protruding black codpiece, and pointed black boots with little chains going from the calves to the toes]
Prince Edmund: Have you heard any more good rumors, Baldrick?
Baldrick: Not really, my lord. Apparently Lord Wilders is keeping a sheep in his bedroom, but nothing on the appointment, no.
Prince Edmund: Ah, fair enough.
[Edmund looked over at some clergymen and smiled. They stared at his codpiece, almost in fright. The Queen arrived]
Queen Gertrude: [disgusted] What are you doing dressed like this, Edmund?
Prince Edmund: Like what, sorry?
Queen Gertrude: Well, this enormous nonsense here! [taps his codpiece with a boing sound effect, and walks away. Harry sees this and shakes his head. Then fanfare begins]
Prince Edmund: [to his friends] Fingers crossed...
King Richard IV: Members of the Court and, uh, Clergy: I have, at last, after careful consultation with the Lord God; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Insubstantial Friend, the Holy Ghost, decided upon the next Archbishop. [there is a murmuring among those gathered] May he last longer in his post than his predecessors.
Prince Edmund: [to his friends] Fat chance!
King Richard IV: I appoint, to the Holy See of Canterbury, my own son... [Baldrick and Percy are very excited; Edmund points toward Harry]...Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh! [Edmund is terrified] Archbishop, we salute thee.
[Everyone kneels before Edmund, except Percy]
Percy: [shakes hands with Edmund] Congratulations, my lord!
[Edmund shakes him free before Percy kneels. The clergymen, kneeling, are face-to-codpiece with Edmund. He put his hands over it, but it's too large to conceal. He takes one of the clergymen's hats and hangs it on the codpiece. He then turns around and nearly hit Baldrick in the face with the codpiece]
[We cut to the main hall where the King is playing arm wrestling with Harry]
King Richard IV: Keep going, keep going. Use both hands! [Harry does so] Very good, very good... [Harry loses] Well done, well done, Harry. [there's a knock at the door] Enter!
Prince Edmund: [enters, bowing repeatedly, and continuing throughout the scene] Your Majesty.
King Richard IV: Ah! My Lord Archbishop.
Prince Edmund: Um, there were just a couple of points, um, about my appointment, um, before things really firmed up.
King Richard IV: Yes?
Prince Edmund: Um, personally, could I-
King Richard IV: No, you couldn't!!!
Prince Edmund: Oh, fine. [backs up several paces] And, er, secondly-
King Richard IV: Don't be mistaken about this appointment, Edward. I've always despised you!
Prince Edmund: Well, you are my father. I mean, you're biased.
King Richard IV: You, compared to your beloved brother, Harry, are as excrement compared to cream!
Prince Harry: Oh, my lord, you flatter me!
Prince Edmund: And me, also!
King Richard IV: So now, my boy, when I've at last found a use for you, don't try to get out of it!
Prince Edmund: Oh no, no, no, no, no! I just thought someone else, someone equally weak-willed and feeble-
King Richard IV: HA! There's no such man!
Prince Edmund: Of course not. Or perhaps someone who believed in God-
King Richard IV: No, no, no! If I needed someone who believed in God, I'd have chosen Harry! Not an embarrassing little weed like you.
Prince Edmund: Oh, well, I think that's everything cleared up. Goodness, it must be almost time for evensong. Must be going.
King Richard IV: [calmly] Egbert... [Edmund tries to pretend not to hear] Come here. [Edmund does so. He bows repeatedly, and begin to kiss Richard's hand, until he grabs him] A word of advice: if you cross me now, or ever, I shall do unto you what God did unto the Sodomites.
Prince Harry: I don't think that's a very good idea.
King Richard IV: You understand?
Prince Edmund: Well, I shall make myself available for all eventualities. Thank you so much. [steps backwards, bowing repeatedly, and bumps into a set of drawers. Then he adjusts his movements, and he backs out into an open hallway. He turns] Flee!
[We dissolve to outside the castle where Edmund is getting ready for his escape. He stands at the back of a large cart]
Prince Edmund: We've got the thumbscrews, the foot-crusher, the nose-hooks, those long rods you [he moves his fist as though he's holding a rod vertically] ram around, er...Oh! Where's the dwarf?
Dwarf: [a cloth moves as he pushes from behind it] Here, my lord.
[The King, Harry and a warrior appear in the doorway]
King Richard IV: Archbishop!
Prince Edmund: [weakly] Hail...
King Richard IV: Going somewhere?
Prince Edmund: [stepping forward slowly] Umm, yes...
King Richard IV: Where?
Prince Edmund: C-Canterbury...?
King Richard IV: [smiles] Good, good! Harry here will accompany you. I would hate to see you murdered before your investiture. Chiswick! Fresh horses! [he and the warrior leave]
Percy: [comes from around the cart] My lord, if we're going to catch the boat to France, you'll have to hurry.
Prince Harry: [confused] Um, boat to France?
Prince Edmund: Um, you off to France, Percy?
Percy: [confused] I thought we all were.
Prince Edmund: No, no, uh, Harry and I are off to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry?
Percy: [understands] Oh, I see. You've changed your plan.
Prince Edmund: No, no, not really. The only change is if you could go and put your face in some manure, and the keep a reasonable distance. That'll be fine. Harry...?
[Later, Harry and Edmund are riding on the horses]
Prince Harry: ...And another thing that bothers me, Your Grace: suppose my right hand offends me, and I cut it off, well, what if my left hand offends me as well? I mean, what do I cut it off with?
Prince Edmund: Er, yes, yes, that is a knotty one...
Prince Harry: Yes.
[They ride on, the cart is being pulled by Baldrick and Percy. Percy's face is covered with manure. They pass by a pair of peasants]
Peasant 1: Here; who was that?
Peasant 2: I don't know. But that tall fellow, he had a face full of manure.
Peasant 1: Now that's what I call style.
[Canterbury...Edmund's investiture; presiding is Herbert, the temporary Archbishop of Canterbury]
Herbert: Do you, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, believe in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost?
Prince Edmund: [looks around; the King mouths "Yes!" to him] Um, yes.
Herbert: I then name thee Archbishop of Canterbury and Primate of all England. [places the hat on Edmund's head]
[Edmund sneezes as a result of the incense, and blows his nose into his robe. He walks down the aisle, swinging the incense holder far too hard, knocking over the people standing along the aisle, until finally it slips from his hand and flies across the church]
Narrator: His investiture over, Archbishop Edmund the Unwilling swiftly adopted the ways of the cloth. But ever the shadow of his father's threat hung over him, until, at last, one day...
[Edmund and Baldrick are walking outside]
Prince Edmund: Tell me, Brother Baldrick, exactly what did God do to the Sodomites?
Baldrick: I don't know, My Lord, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other.
[Suddenly, an armored man delivers a scroll to Edmund]
Prince Edmund: Oh my God, this is it! Baldrick, go and get my Lord Bishop of Ramsgate!
Baldrick: Eh?
Prince Edmund: Get Percy! Get Percy! [sees the spikes on the man's helmet] My life is hanging by a thread!
[He, Percy and Baldrick set out on horseback]
[Caption: The bedside of the dying Lord Graveney, attended by the Bishop of London, brother to the dead Archbishop]
[Lord Graveney, the owner of the most land in England, is on his deathbed, accompanied by William, the Bishop of London, brother to the dead Archbishop Godfrey]
Lord Graveney: [coughs] And if I don't leave my lands to the Church, then what?
Bishop William: Then, Lord Graveney, you will assuredly go to Hell.
Lord Graveney: Alas!
Bishop William: Hell, where the air is pungent with the aroma of roasted behinds.
Lord Graveney: No! No! [coughs] I place my lands in the hands of the Church, and so bid the world farewell.
[Graveney falls back onto his bed as King Richard IV bursts into the room]
King Richard IV: What?!
Bishop William: Shhh!
King Richard IV: The Archbishop not yet arrived?!
Bishop William: Not yet, and even if he did arrive-
[Edmund, Percy and Baldrick arrive]
Prince Edmund: Wait!
Bishop William: Too late!
Prince Edmund: Oh, get out of my way!
King Richard IV: I'll kill the pair of you! I'll abolish the Church!
Prince Edmund: [to Lord Graveney] My lord! My lord! [to Bishop William] I said out! [Percy and Baldrick force the Bishop out of the room while he jumps on the bed and shake Lord Graveney awake] My lord, wake up! Wake up!
Lord Graveney: [waking up] Am I in paradise?
Prince Edmund: No, not yet!
Lord Graveney: Then this must be Hell! Alas, spare my posterior!
Prince Edmund: No, you're alright! It's England!
Lord Graveney: And you are not Satan?
Prince Edmund: No, I'm the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Lord Graveney: Oh, Your Grace! I have left my lands to the Church. Am I to be saved?
King Richard IV: NO, YOU TREACHEROUS SWINE! I'LL KILL YOU!
Prince Edmund: Wait! Wait! Let's just take this through in stages, shall we? Erm, you know, the Church doesn't really need your lands...
King Richard IV: No, what it needs is a damn good thrashing!
Lord Graveney: But if I do not gain its' blessing, I will surely go to Hell!
Bishop William: [opens the door and pops his head in] Hell, where tiny tweezers-
King Richard IV: GET OUT!
[Baldrick rushed over and closed the door on him]
Prince Edmund: Someone like you go to Hell? [laughs] Never! [in the sing-song voice] Never!
Lord Graveney: But I have committed many sins.
Prince Edmund: Oh, haven't we all?
Lord Graveney: I murdered my father.
Prince Edmund: [whispers] I know how you feel.
Bishop William: [opens the door again] Alas!
[Baldrick shuts the door again]
King Richard IV: HURRY UP, EGBERT!
Lord Graveney: And I have committed adultery.
Prince Edmund: Who hasn't?
Lord Graveney: More than a thousand times.
Prince Edmund: Well, it is 1487.
Lord Graveney: With my mother.
[Edmund, Percy, Baldrick and King Richard react in horror and disgust]
Lord Graveney: You see, I will go to Hell.
Bishop William: [appears out of nowhere] Hell, where growths like turnips sprout from the nose and the ears!
King Richard IV: KILL THE BISHOP!
[Percy and Baldrick beat the Bishop onto the floor by using a crucifix and a bible respectively]
Prince Edmund: Um, well, let's take Hell. Hell isn't as bad as it's cracked up to be.
Lord Graveney: What?
Prince Edmund: No, no, no, no. You see, the thing about Heaven is that Heaven is for people who like the sort of things that go on in Heaven, like singing, talking to God, watering pot plants.
Lord Graveney: Ecchh!
Prince Edmund: Whereas Hell, on the other hand, is for people who like the other sorts of things: [with relish] adultery, pillage, torture. Those areas.
Lord Graveney: [excited] Really?
Prince Edmund: Mmm. Leave your lands to the Crown, and once you're dead, you'll have the time of your life.
Lord Graveney: [ecstatic] Adultery, pillage, through all eternity?
Prince Edmund: [in a silly voice] Yep!
Bishop William: [in great pain] Struck with large sticks against your tender portions!
[Percy and Baldrick beat him back down onto the floor]
King Richard IV: Well, Henry, your decision?
Lord Graveney: Very well. I leave my lands to the Crown and my soul in the hands of the Lord. May he treat me like the piece of refuse that I am and send me to Hell where I belong!
King Richard IV: [ecstatic] Amen!
Prince Edmund: Amen. You're a very lucky man. I wish I could come with you, but being Archbishop...
Lord Graveney: I'm so sorry.
Prince Edmund: Oh, it's alright.
Lord Graveney: AH! [dies]
[Edmund and the King rejoice with laughter]''
King Richard IV: My son!
Edmund: Father! [they embrace]
King Richard IV: [kneels] Father.
Edmund: [gently pats him] My son.
[Two knights on horseback rides down a lane, past the same peasants from before]
Peasant 2: Who's that?
Peasant 1: Looks like the kind of pair who would kill the Archbishop of Canterbury to me.
Peasant 2: Typical.
[In castle dining room, the Queen is eating at one end of a long table, and looks up as she hears her husband's voice as he and Harry spar]
King Richard IV: DIE, YOU TURKISH DOG!!! [the King forces Harry to the table] YOU TURKISH PIG!!!
Prince Harry: Father, it's me! Pax!!!
King Richard IV: [realizes] Oh, yes, of course. Sorry, Harry. You're improving.
Prince Harry: Yes, well, thank you, Father. [turns to Queen] Good night, Mother. [leaves]
King Richard IV: He's gaining on me. He's gaining on me! [goes to the other end of the long table]
Queen Gertrude: And how was Edmund?
King Richard IV: Oh, well, well, very well. [picks up a piece of meat, smells it, then calls out] Chiswick, fresh horse! [tosses the meat over his shoulder]
Queen Gertrude: And how are his dear little sheep?
King Richard IV: [confused] Whose sheep?
Queen Gertrude: Edmund's sheep.
[A couple of men bring in a huge platter with half a horse's body with legs, cooked, on it]
King Richard IV: What sheep?
Queen Gertrude: Well, the ones at Canterbury, his flock that he was talking about.
King Richard IV: [tears off a whole leg from the horse; rolls his eyes and mutters at his wife's comment] Oh my god...
[Two knights ride up to the castle]
Queen Gertrude: I can't understand it; Edmund doesn't even like religion.
King Richard IV: [chewing the horse leg] That's impossible; he's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
Queen Gertrude: Yes, and the Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy, whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font.
King Richard IV: [using his sword to pick and take some bread from the table] But that was a long time ago.
Queen Gertrude: It was last Thursday.
[The King then laughs and spats out some food. Meanwhile, the knights have ridden into the castle]
King Richard IV: [stands, approaching the Queen] Well, the boy's turned out well. [as a toast] A long and healthy life to him! [smacks his giant cup against the Queen's wine goblet, which breaks. He drinks and goes back to his seat] I thank God that in my lifetime never again shall I have to say, "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?"
[Two knights finally park their horses]
Queen Gertrude: And what is that?
King Richard IV: Oh, it's something that my ancestor Henry II once said when he having trouble with Thomas of Beckett. He was sitting at a table like this with two drunken knights, and he yelled out, "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?"
[The two knights make their way inside]
Queen Gertrude: [confused] Er, what?
King Richard IV: [in his sotto voce] God, save us. [the knights finally make it to the doorway of the dining room as he shouts] I said, "WHO WILL RID ME OF THIS TURBULENT PRIEST?"
[The knights look at each other]
Queen Gertrude: Meaning who?
King Richard IV: The Archbishop of Canterbury, of course!
[The knights look at each other again with confusion, nod, and leave]
Queen Gertrude: And then what happened?
King Richard IV: Well, they went straight off and killed him, of course!
[The knights leave the castle]
[We cut to Edmund, Percy and Baldrick in a small room]
Prince Edmund: Right, now let's get down to business, shall we?
Percy: Business, My Lord?
Prince Edmund: Yes. Baldrick has been looking at some of the ways we could actually make a bit of money on this job.
Baldrick: Well, basically, there appear to be four major profit areas: Curses, pardons, relics and selling the sexual favors of nuns.
Prince Edmund: Selling the sexual favors of nuns? You mean some people actually pay for them?
Baldrick: Well, foreign businessmen, other nuns, you know.
Prince Edmund: Ah. Well, let's start with the pardons, shall we?
Baldrick: Right. Well, this is a fair selection. Basically, you seem to get what you pay for. They run all the way from this one, which is a pardon for talking with your mouth full, signed by an apprentice curate in Tewkesbury.
Prince Edmund: Ah, how much is that?
Baldrick: Two pebbles. All the way up to this one, which is a pardon for [reads] "anything whatsoever, including murder, adultery, or dismemberment of [Edmund reads along] a close friend or relative."
Prince Edmund: Who's that signed by?
Baldrick: Both popes. Curses are pretty much the same, really. I got this one for half an egg.
Prince Edmund: [reads] "Dear Enemy: I curse you, and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head."
Baldrick': Well, that is the bottom end of the market. They run all the way to this one, for four ducats.
Prince Edmund: [reads] "Dear Enemy: may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment."
Percy: Does this work?
Baldrick: Yeah.
Percy: Really?
Baldrick: Yes!
Prince Edmund: Really?
Baldrick: No... [chuckles]
[The two knights approach Canterbury]
Baldrick: [back in the small room] Moving on to relics, we've got shrouds, from Turin; er, wine from the wedding at Cana; splinters from the cross [his finger gets a splinter from one of the splinters]; er, and, of course, there's stuff made by Jesus in his days in the carpentry shop: got pipe racks, coffee tables, coat stands, bookends, crucifixes, a nice cheeseboard, fruit bowls, waterproof sandals... [picks up a piece of wood that's partly carved] Oh, I haven't finished that one yet.
Percy: But this is disgraceful, my lord! All of these are obviously fake!
Prince Edmund: Ha, yes!
Percy: But, but how will people be able to tell the difference between these and the real relics?
Prince Edmund: Well, they won't. That's the point!
Percy: Well, you won't be able to fool everyone! Look! [removes a small red cloth from his sleeve] I have here a true relic.
Prince Edmund: What is it?
Percy: [unwraps the cloth] It is a bone from the finger of Our Lord. It cost me 31 pieces of silver.
Prince Edmund: [simply touched] Good Lord. Is it real?
Percy: It is, my lord. Baldrick, you stand amazed.
Baldrick: I am. I thought they only come in boxes of ten. [opens a box of finger bones]
Percy: What?!
Baldrick: Yeah, yeah, fingers are really big at the moment. Mind you, for a really quick sale, you can't beat a nose. For instance, the Sacred Appendage Compendium Party Pack: you get Jesus' nose, St. Peter's nose, St. Francis' nose, and [picks up a pair of false breasts] er, no, they're Joan of Arc's.
Percy: [getting more and more angry] That little bastard verger! I'll show him! [exits into the hallway] I'll show him! [opens the outer door, and find two knights, with swords raised. They rush in, but then act casual, resting their swords on their shoulders]
George: Hello.
Justin: Hello.
Percy: Good evening. And, er, what can I do for you?
George: Well, we're here to murder the Archbishop of Canter-
Justin:- bury's enemies.
George: Er, yes.
Justin: We fear he may be in danger.
Percy: Really? How?
Justin: Well, let me see. Perhaps good King Richard, angry with the Archbishop for some reason...
George: Don't know why...
Justin: ...might well send two drunken knights... [George gestures at him and himself] ...freshly returned from the Crusades...
George: Crusades...
Justin: ...on a mission to wreak vengeance on him.
George: Vengeance...
Percy: That's a good point, it has happened before.
Justin: Quite.
George: Yes indeed.
Percy: Er, I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch your names.
George: George de Boeuf.
Justin: How do you do? [makes no gesture, though Percy does] Justin de Boinod.
George: [shakes Percy's hand] Two drunken knights, freshly returned from the Crusades, and here on mission for good King Richard. God bless the man.
Justin: Amen.
Percy: And your mission...?
George: Well, as I said, we're here to kill-
Justin: ...A bit of time...
George: Er, yes.
Justin: ...before our next Crusade.
Percy: Oh, right, yes. Well, I'll just go and get him. [turns his back, and the knights raise their swords ready to attack, but Baldrick arrives, and sees them. They again lower their swords, and bow their heads] Ah, Baldrick...
Baldrick: Yes?
Percy: A couple of knights to see the Archbishop...
Baldrick: Oh my God! [rushes back into the room]
Percy: [facing the knights again about Baldrick] Monks! [laughs]
[Inside, Edmund is "trying on" Joan of Arc's breasts, but quickly puts them down when Baldrick rushes in]
Baldrick: My lord, I've got something to say that's going to shock you!
Prince Edmund: It's the one about the nuns from Uppingham and the candelabra, don't bother, I've heard it. [holding a pair of noses against his nipples]
Baldrick: [trying to fit into a priest hole] No, there's two men outside who've come to kill you!
Prince Edmund: WHAT?!?!
[In the hall, Percy and George are laughing]
Percy: I'm terribly sorry about this. I'll just see what the delay is. [leaves]
Justin: Please do.
George: Feel free.
[Percy enters the room, as Edmund and Baldrick are panicking in fear]
Percy: Look, what's going on?
Baldrick: [stuffing pillows under the bed sheets] Those two men have come to kill us!
Percy: Oh, come on! Honestly, Baldrick! Just because they've a bit of class, [the knights begin chopping through the door] you assume they're bound to be mindless killers! [finally noticing the door being cut apart]
Prince Edmund: Oh my God! There's no way out! [they all kneel by an altar] Oh, God! Help us! [grabs the crucifix; it pulls down and opens a secret passageway]
[They run through the secret doorway, and the door closes. The knights finally break through the the door. Justin looks around while George continues hacking at the door]
Justin: Shh! [motions at the bed] They've dropped off!
[They approach the bed and hack and stab at it for a while. George moves the covers to see that they were only a bunch of pillows underneath]
George: Oh, damn. They must have gone down the secret passage to the nunnery. [pulls the crucifix and they both enter the passage]
[Inside the nunnery, they find the bedroom empty apart from three nuns praying at another altar-thing]
George: Little sisters of indolence, three men came in. Which way did they go?
Prince Edmund: [covering his mouth; speaks falsetto] Oh, I think they went that way.
George: God bless you.
[They begin to walk away]
Justin: Wait! They'll be watching out for us dressed like this. Quick! In here. [motions to one of the bed areas]
[Edmund, Percy, and Baldrick begin walking away, but run into the knights, who are also dressed as nuns. All five giggle like girls, covering their mouths, particularly Justin, who has a full beard]
Baldrick: [falsetto] Pray, Sister, have you seen two burly knights pass this way?
George: [falsetto] No, Sister. More's the pity, eh?
[Justin looks at George, a bit shocked]
Justin: [falsetto, to Baldrick] Why don't you try that way?
Percy: [normally] Thank you very much.
Justin: [normally] You're welcome.
[The two parties turn away, but then pause, and realize who the other group is, draw swords and begin fighting, except Baldrick, who doesn't have a sword]
[Elsewhere in the nunnery, the Mother Superior and Sister Sara are walking through the hallways]
Sister Sara: And yet, Mother Superior... [back to the fight for one second] ...does not St. Paul say in the Ephesians... [back to the fight for one second] "A woman is like a bat..." [back to the fight for one second] "...often heard but never seen"? [back to the fight for one second]
Mother Superior: No, I don't think so, Sara. [back to the fight for one second] Shall we check the dormitory?
Sister Sara: [smiles] Oh, yes, Mother Superior. What a good idea.
[In the dormitory, Percy holds his own sword as well as Edmund's, while George just hits each sword, not making much effort to actually hit Percy. Edmund knocks over Justin, whose sword is stuck in one of the wooden partitions, and climbs on top of him. Baldrick, meanwhile, has found himself on top of a real nun in one of the beds. The Mother Superior and Sister Sara enter]
Mother Superior: [fuming] Girls! Girls! Girls! [Percy and George drop the swords and jump into the beds] If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: fighting in the dormitory is completely forbidden! Who is the ringleader here? [looks and points at Edmund] You! Yes, you. The plain girl. [takes off headgear] Oh my God! It's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
Sister Sara: [removes Justin's headgear] And a man! [screams]
Prince Edmund: Er, I think I can explain. [laughs uneasily]
[Later, in the Mother Superior's office; Sara is "whipping" Edmund, but actually just tapping the crop against his bottom]
Prince Edmund: And that, sweet lady, is the whole story.
Mother Superior: Let us go over the facts again. Having been appointed Archbishop, you found that all your interests lay in the beauty of your vestments?
Prince Edmund: Ahh, the fine embroidery...
Mother Superior: Unable to resist the slide into depravity, you began to dress up in the habit of a nun.
Prince Edmund: I could not resist the texture of the Hessian underthings.
Mother Superior: [sarcastically] Ooh, I can understand that. Then, you forced the Bishop of Ramsgate and one Brother Baldrick to do so also.
Prince Edmund: Oh, may I be cursed for it!
Mother Superior: And finally, you got two knights drunk and invited them to come and wrestle with you inside the nunnery in an orgy of heathen perversity?
Prince Edmund: That's it, Your Grace.
Mother Superior : It bears the ring of truth, and I must therefore tell you that this morning I have written urgently to all three popes recommending your immediate excommunication. Nevermore may you be Archbishop of Canterbury!
Prince Edmund: [mock disappointment] Oh dear! [grins to himself]
Mother Superior: That's enough, Sister Sara; I think he's learned his lesson. [Sister Sara stops tapping]
Prince Edmund: Sorry? [then realizes, and feigns pain] Oh, ow, ow, ow.
Mother Superior: [standing up] Go, sinner, and meet thy doom!
[Edmund exits into the corridor, and opens the door, with a light at the end of the hallway; he walks slowly toward the light, cleans out his ear and scratches himself a bit as he goes. He emerges into the hallway and find Percy and Baldrick, who are holding Edmund's clothes]
Prince Edmund: Quick! The nunnery's on fire!
[He, Percy, and Baldrick run off as the end credits starts]
[After the credits]
Mother Superior: Alas, the corruption of the world...
Sister Sara: Yes, alas, Mother Superior.
Mother Superior: I'm tired and weary. You may leave me now.
Sister Sara: Very well. [turns to leave]
Mother Superior: Alas...
Sister Sara: [stops and turns to Mother Superior again] So presumably you won't be needing the unicorn tonight.
Mother Superior: No, not tonight, Sara.
[Sister Sara nods and leaves]

The Queen of Spain's Beard

edit
[On the castle ramparts at night, in darkness; two hooded figures meet]
Lady: O noble prince, your secret note of love has won my heart. The castle of my body is yours by right of conquest. Come, let your tongue dive into the moat of my mouth and let your hands take possession of the ramparts of my plumpies, for I’m yours [removes her cloak] and yours alone!
Prince Edmund: [taking off his hood to reveal himself] And I’m yours!
Lady: Eugh! Edmund! I thought you your brother! [pushes Edmund off the rampart; dogs are heard attacking him]
[Opening theme]
Narrator: In 1492, after the death of Randolph XII of Saxony and the collapse of the Treaty of Insects, Europe was in disarray. Kingdoms rose and fell; borders, even languages changed; men were killed by their own side and women raped by soldiers from up to seven different nations every week.
[The King is on the floor in a room with a large map and large figures. Lord Chiswick is on the floor beating a drum, and two other men are standing, looking over a large piece of paper]
Narrator: The courts of Europe throbbed with activity, and none more so than England...
King Richard IV: Chiswick, hand me one of the human figures.
Chiswick: [stops beating the drum] Yes, my lord. [begins to pick up one of the human figures]
King Richard IV: The Swiss are always cowards.
[Chiswick doesn't pick up the figure, and goes back to drum-beating]
Messenger: [enters] My lord, good news! The Swiss have invaded France!
King Richard IV: Excellent! Wessex, while they're away, take ten thousand troops and pillage Geneva!
Chiswick: But the Swiss are our allies, my lord.
King Richard IV: Oh, yes. [to Lord Wessex] Well, get them to dress up as Germans, would you? Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the king of France in sympathy for the death of his son.
Chiswick: The one you had murdered, my lord?
King Richard IV: [absentmindedly] Yes, yes, that's the fellow.
[Harry enters the room]
Messenger: My lord-
Prince Harry: Will you get away from me?!
[The frightened messenger runs out while King Richard chuckles]
King Richard IV: Ah, Harry, the gentle art of diplomacy. But you know where the real secret of diplomacy lies, don't you, my boy?
Prince Harry: Um, no, actually, Father, but I would very much like to know.
King Richard IV: [points at Harry's private parts] There.
Prince Harry: Are you sure? I can't imagine anything of real interest down there.
King Richard IV: Let me explain. What's that for?
Prince Harry: Well, a couple of things.
King Richard IV: Correct. And one of those things is?
Prince Harry: Best not mentioned, really.
King Richard IV: Right! And the other is fornication. Without fornication, there is no marriage, and without marriage, there is no diplomacy.
Prince Harry: Oh, I see.
King Richard IV: Very good. You see, my boy, I have decided to ally to a kingdom most threatening to France. The answer is, of course, Spain. And the best way to cement an alliance, of course, is marriage. Therefore, I have decided that you shall marry the Spanish Infanta!
Prince Harry: Actually, I don't think I can.
King Richard IV: What? Why not?
Prince Harry: Well, I am already engaged.
King Richard IV: What?! Who to, boy?
Prince Harry: Princess Leia of Hungary. And the Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg. And Queen Beowulfa of Iceland. And, let's see... [read off a scroll] Countess Caroline of Luxembourg, Bertha of Flanders, Bertha of Brussels, Bertha of Saxe-Coburg and Jezebel of Estonia.
King Richard IV: Damn, damn, damn! Well, if I haven't got a son to marry her, the whole plan falls apart!
Chiswick: Your Majesty?
King Richard IV: Yes?
Chiswick: You do have another son, my lord.
King Richard IV: What? My god, of course! The slimy one. What's his name?
Chiswick: Edmund, my lord.
King Richard IV: Yes. Osmund. Osmund can marry the Infanta! And with a Spanish alliance, we can massacre both the Swiss and the French!
Prince Harry, Chiswick and Wessex: Huzzah!
King Richard IV: By dividing their forces into two!
Prince Harry, Chiswick and Wessex: Huzzah!
King Richard IV: Preferably their top halves from their bottom halves!
Prince Harry, Chiswick and Wessex: Huzzah!
[We cut to Edmund who is washing off his dog bite wounds; Percy and Baldrick enter his room]
Percy: Morning, my lord. [gives Edmund's dwarf a scrap of food]
Baldrick: Morning, my lord.
Prince Edmund: Morning.
Baldrick: My God, what's happened to your neck?
Prince Edmund: Erm, er, well, well, well, well, they're love bites, actually!
Baldrick: Look more like dog bites to me.
Prince Edmund: Well, yes, yes, she was, erm, a bit of an animal!
Percy: Really, my lord!
Prince Edmund: Oh yes!
Percy: Fight to the death, eh?! (they both laugh; Baldrick goes over to feed the dwarf)
Prince Edmund: Oh yes. Well, as my tutor, Old Bubbleface used to say, "Make love and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease".
Baldrick: Actually, I'd be prepared to swear they were dog bites.
Prince Edmund: They are not dog bites! She was very attractive.
Baldrick: Yeah: shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes...
Prince Edmund: No, Baldrick! It was a woman!
Baldrick: Fair enough, my lord.
Prince Edmund: Right. Now that's sorted out. Percy, what are we up to today?
Percy: Well, my lord, first, I thought that you and I [he and Edmund sneer at Baldrick] might get out a couple of prisoners, and actually I think Baldrick may have a point there; they do look rather like dog bites.
Prince Edmund: [jumps around] Yes, yes, all right, all right! They're dog bites! They're dog bites! I've got bitten by a dog! A woman pushed me off a rampart because she thought I was so hideously ugly, and I got ravaged by a raving dog! Does that satisfy you?
Baldrick: Yes, my lord, yes!
Prince Edmund: Good! Excellent! Good! Right! Yes, Percy, you were saying?
Percy: Right, my lord. Well, I thought that we might...so it wasn't a woman?
Prince Edmund: [jumps again] No! It was a dog! It was a dog! It was a bloody great dog! Ar ar ar ar ar ar ar!
Percy: Right, my lord.
Prince Edmund: Ar!
Percy: Of course, Harry gets all the women, doesn't he?
Baldrick: Yeah.
Prince Edmund: Shut up! I never want to hear women mentioned in my company again.
Baldrick: What about dogs?
Prince Edmund: ...Or dog–Shut up, Baldrick. I never want to see a woman again. If any woman wants to talk to me, you can warn her: The Black Adder is a venomous reptile, and women are his prey. [they hear a knock at the door] Enter! Unless you're a woman, in which case, prepare to be thrown out of the window!! With your dog...
Messenger: [enters] My lord, I bring a message.
Prince Edmund: Yes, obviously. You're a messenger.
Messenger: You are engaged to be married to the Infanta Maria of Spain.
Prince Edmund: [put his hands on his hips] What?
Messenger: [put his own hands on his hips] My lord, I bring a message. You are engaged–
Prince Edmund: Yes, yes, yes... [waves his hand, and the messenger waves his own hand] Ah...[put his hand on his neck, and the messenger does the same] Go on, get out. [waves his other hand, then starts to push the messenger who waves his other hand, then starts to push Edmund] Get out! [pushes the messenger, and the messenger pushed Edmund back] Out, out, out! [manages to close the door behind the messenger] Well, boys, did you hear that? I am to marry the Infanta of Spain.
Percy: Yes, my lord. Shall I go and tell her?
Prince Edmund: What?
Percy: "The Black Adder is venomous reptile–"
Prince Edmund: No, no, no! This is no ordinary woman, Percy. This is a beautiful royal princess. Just imagine what the Spanish Infanta must be like.
[Percy and Baldrick howl like dogs]
[We cut to the court]
Prince Harry: [approaches Edmund, Percy and Baldrick; he's escorting a beautiful black-haired young woman] Ah, bienvenido a nuestro castillo. Espero que encuentre los desagues a sus satisfaccion.
Prince Edmund: [enthralled by the woman's beauty; giggles a bit before coming to his senses] Hmm?
Prince Harry: It's Spanish. It means "Welcome to our castle. I hope you find the drains to your satisfaction." Well, here you are; [gives Edmund a piece a paper] I've jotted it down for you. It should help to break the ice with the Infanta. [Edmund looks confused] Oh, by the way, I don't think you know the Countess Caroline of Luxembourg.
Prince Edmund: [disappointed] No. How do you do, young lady?
Prince Harry: Well, good luck. [walks away, speaking to Caroline] Er, bienvenu a notre chateau, Caroline. J'espere que vous trouvez...
Prince Edmund: Luxembourg, hah!
Baldrick: My God, have you ever seen anyone so obviously seething with jealousy?
Prince Edmund: No, I haven't!
Baldrick: Seethe, seethe, seethe. If he goes on seething like that much longer, he'll turn into a seethe.
Prince Edmund: Baldrick, what are you talking about?
Percy: My lord...
Prince Edmund: Yes, what is it?
Percy: You know, they do say that the Infanta's eyes are more beautiful than the famous Stone of Galveston.
Prince Edmund: Mm!...What?
Percy: The famous Stone of Galveston, my lord.
Prince Edmund: And what's that, exactly?
Percy: Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes [points dramatically] from Galveston.
Prince Edmund: I see. And what about it?
Percy: Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start.
Prince Edmund: I see. And have you ever seen this stone?
Percy: [nods] No, not as such, my lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed.
Prince Edmund: And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?
Percy: No, I shouldn't think so, my lord.
Prince Edmund: And neither have you, presumably.
Percy: No, my lord.
Prince Edmund: So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.
Percy: [finally begins to grasp] Yes, my lord.
[A fanfare plays as a rather fat woman enters, followed by a tall Spaniard]
Prince Edmund: Percy, in the end, you are about as much use to me as an hole in the head... [Percy bows. The woman sees Edmund and is very excited. She and the Spaniard approach him, while he's still talking to Percy. Baldrick sees her and tries subtly to get Edmund's attention] ...an affliction of which you must be familiar, never actually having had a brain.
[The woman, the Infanta, is standing behind Edmund, while her interpreter, Don Speekingleesh, is beside him]
Don Speekenglish: Hello.
Prince Edmund: [turns briefly] Hello. [turns back to Percy] Here I am awaiting the arrival of the most beautiful, ravishing–
Don Speekenglish: Hello!
Prince Edmund: Look, leave me alone, will you, I'm trying to talk to someone. [to Percy] ...while you're wittering away like a pox-ridden moor hen-
Infanta: Estas el verdadero amor de mi vida, amor mio, amor mio!
Don Speekenglish: You are the true love of my life, my love, my love!
Prince Edmund: What? [turns to Percy] Percy, is he a friend of yours? Someone you know?
Infanta: Eres el único para mi. ¡Solo quiero abrazarte y besarte!
Don Speekenglish: You are the only one for me. I merely want to hug and kiss you!
[Edmund punches Don]
Infanta: Yo soy la Infanta!
Don Speekenglish: I am the Infanta!
Prince Edmund: What? No one told me you had a beard! Ha!
Percy: Must be Jeremy of Estonia!
Prince Edmund: The very what?
Infanta: [moves to in front of Edmund] Yo soy la Infanta!
Prince Edmund: Well, absolutely... [quintupletake; leaps into Percy's arms]
Infanta: Esperara que esto momento todo mi viva! [kisses Edmund]
Don Speekenglish: I have waited for this moment all of my life!
Infanta: Tu nariz mas pequeña que yo esperara.
Don Speekenglish: Your nose is smaller than I expected.
Prince Edmund: I have suffered no similar disappointment.
[Don whispers interpretations into Infanta's ear]
Infanta: Oh, amor mio! amor mio! [kisses Edmund]
Don Speekenglish: My love, my love.
[The kiss lasts for several seconds; bringing Edmund to his feet; finally he's able to push away]
Infanta: Oh! Me gusta tu labios!
Don Speekenglish: Your lips I like.
[Edmund feels his lips, as though they may have been sucked off]
Infanta: Esto de tu cuerpo lo que me interese!
Don Speekenglish: It is the rest of your body I wish to find out more about!
[Infanta licks her lips; Edmund covers his face, then peeks through a couple fingers for a moment before covering again]
[We cut to map room as the King speaks to Lord Chiswick, who again beats on the drum]
King Richard IV: We burst in and slaughter their gizzards. [laughs]
Messenger 1: [arrives] My Lord, news...
King Richard IV: What?
Messenger 1: The Spanish Infanta has arrived.
King Richard IV: Ah, good news![Messenger 1 leaves] Soon we will have Spain in our grip.
Messenger 2: [arrives] My Lord, news...
King Richard IV: What?
Messenger 2: The King of France sends his greetings.
King Richard IV: Ah, good news! [Messenger 2 leaves] My diplomacy triumphs.
Messenger: My Lord, news...
King Richard IV: What?
Messenger: Lord Wessex is dead.
King Richard IV: [raises his arms in triumph; the messenger raises his own arms too] Ah- [loweres his arms] This news is not so good.
Messenger: Pardon, My Lord?
King Richard IV: I like it not. Bring me some other news.
Messenger: Pardon, My Lord?
King Richard IV: I LIKE NOT THIS NEWS! BRING ME SOME OTHER NEWS!!!
Messenger: Yes, My Lord! [leaves as the King tosses things around angrily. He arrives with more news] My Lord, news...
King Richard IV: What?
Messenger: Lord Wessex is not dead.
King Richard IV: Ah, good news! [lifts his arms halfway; the messenger does the same] Let there be joy and celebration; let jubilation reign!
Messenger: Yes, My Lord.
King Richard IV: Oh yes, [points at the messenger, who mimics him] and tell Osmund that, to further strengthen ties with Spain, he marries tomorrow.
Messenger: Yes, My Lord. [leaves]
King Richard IV: [seeing that he broke one of the horse figures in his earlier rampage, tosses it aside] Chiswick, fresh horses!
[We cut to Edmund's room where Percy sits alone, holding his head as though in pain; Edmund and Baldrick rush in]
Prince Edmund: Oh my God! In twenty-four hours, I'll be married to a walrus! [locks the door]
Baldrick: But, my lord, you can't just lock her out, you know.
Prince Edmund: Well, you may be right. [pulls on a rope, causing a metal gate to shut down in the doorway; he then holds a club with several metal spikes coming out] That should hold her for at least a minute!
Percy: Wait a moment, my lord! I think I have a plan which could get you out of this mess.
Prince Edmund: Yes, but it's a stupid plan, Percy, let's face it.
Percy: Oh, yes. Yes, maybe you're right.
Prince Edmund: But tell me what it is anyway!
Percy: Ah, no, actually, I don't think I will, my lord.
Prince Edmund: Please, Percy, tell me what your plan is! Please tell me!
Percy: [enjoying seeing Edmund grovel, and chuckles to himself] Alright! I go to the Infanta's room and tell her that you've gone mad. She comes to the door and you meet her disguised as a little pig. Then, this is the cunning part, instead of saying 'oink, oink', you say 'Moo!'
Prince Edmund: Then?
Percy: Well, then she'll know you're mad and leave!
Prince Edmund: [gestures in Percy's direction, and when Percy looks behind him, he slaps Percy on the cheek] You're right, you shouldn't have bothered.
Baldrick: My lord...
Prince Edmund: What?
Baldrick: I also have a plan. Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?
Prince Edmund: I do, Baldrick! I do!
Baldrick: No, no, my lord. I mean, erm, the, er, intimate company of men...
Prince Edmund: [horrified] You don't mean...like the Earl of Doncaster...?
Baldrick: I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster.
Prince Edmund: That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was 17.
Baldrick: Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?
Prince Edmund: Well, no-one wou- [understanding] Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster!...except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Well, what are we going to do?
Baldrick: Well, first we've got to get you looking right. Just need to drape something effeminate round your shoulders.
Prince Edmund: Either of the Beaufort Twins should do.
[A while later; Edmund now has some bright green fabric draped off his shoulders]
Baldrick: Right, perfect. Now all you need to do is practice with Percy.
Prince Edmund: [shocked] Practice what?
Baldrick: Presentation, my lord!
Prince Edmund: Oh, I see.
Baldrick: [moving Percy] You stand over here, and, my lord, just there. Right; now, Percy, Lord Edmund is going to try and make himself attractive to you.
Percy: Attractive?
Prince Edmund: You know, like the Earl of Doncaster.
Percy: Good lord! Well, er, fair enough. [waves seductively at Edmund]
Prince Edmund: No, you act normal! I'm the Earl of Doncaster!
Percy: [remembers] Oh, I see.
Prince Edmund: It's me...Right.
Baldrick: Right. [holds his arm between them, rather like the referee of a boxing match] Go! [stands aside]
[Edmund makes funny faces, not seductive at all]
Prince Edmund: Oh my God, this is impossible! I can't do this!
Baldrick: Never mind. I've a couple more things that might help. [exits]
Prince Edmund: Percy, Percy, what am I going to do?
Percy: Well, perhaps we could try and strike up a conversation.
Prince Edmund: Ah, right. Erm...
Percy: [in a high-pitched, not falsetto, voice] Hello there!
Prince Edmund: [in his normal voice] Er, hello. How are you?
Percy: I'm fine. Have you heard? Prince Edmund's going to marry the Spanish Infanta.
Prince Edmund: No, he damned well isn't!!! [attacking Percy] And anyone who marries the Infanta will get creamed! Do you hear me?
[Percy falls to the floor on his hands and knees. Edmund comes up behind him, grabbing Percy's neck. Baldrick enters, carrying some more effeminate clothing, and sees them in this position]
Baldrick: [smiling] Yes, that's the kind of thing!
[Edmund quickly stands up]
[At the court, Edmund now wears a lot of colorful things, including a hat and lipstick, and a handkerchief. Then fanfare is plays]
Prince Edmund: Look out, here she comes! [they strike up effeminate poses as the King and Chiswick enter]
King Richard IV: [passing Edmund] 'Morning, Doncaster! [turns to Lord Chiswick, giving him an urn] Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples.
Chiswick: What is it, my lord?
King Richard IV: The King of Naples.
Chiswick: Immediately, my lord. [he and the King exit]
[Another fanfare is played]
Prince Edmund: Right. Quick, quick! [they return to their effeminate poses]
[Prince Harry enters, escorting another beautiful young woman]
Prince Edmund: [not wishing to appear this way in front of the beautiful woman, he tries to take off the hat] Oh my God!
Prince Harry: [seeing Edmund's getup] Ah, some lark for the stag party, wot?
Prince Edmund: Erm, yes, yes, that's right.
Prince Harry: I don't think you've met the Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg.
Prince Edmund: [as deeply as he could] No. How do you do, Ursula?
Prince Harry: Actually, I wanted to have a word with you about my speech at the wedding feast. I thought perhaps I'd go for a fruit motif.
Prince Edmund: [reacting to the word `fruit’, tries to speak even deeper] Yes...?
Prince Harry: Something like, er, "It is with extra berry pleasure that we welcome you, er, may you be the apple of your husband's eye, and may he, in turn, cherries you..." "Cherish", you see... "even though it's an oranged marriage." [they laugh; Edmund deeply] Good, eh?
Prince Edmund: Brilliant. Quite, quite brilliant.
Prince Harry: Yes, I thought it was rather good. I'm hoping to squeeze in a "banana" by the end of the day. [walks off, talking to Ursula] Wilkommen in unserer Schloss, Ursula...
[Another fanfare plays]
Baldrick: OK, my lord, this is it. [they all pose again]
Prince Edmund: [now speaking normally] Right... [the Queen enters; he's tired of all these false alarms] Oh, Mother, for Christ's sakes, what do you want?!
Queen Gertrude: [shocked at his attitude] Oh! Nothing, nothing...
Prince Edmund: [waves her and the woman she entered with aside] Dit dit dit dit!
[The Queen and the woman walk off; Infanta and Don Speekenglish enter before their fanfare finishes, before Edmund and company have a chance to get into their poses; she sees Edmund and starts to cry]
Prince Edmund: [to his friends] It's working...It's working...
Infanta: [growing more passionate] Oh, te abrazo y te amo totalmente!
Don Speekenglish: Oh, I embrace and love you utterly!
Prince Edmund: What?
Infanta: Que el amor ese este que tu a disfrazas como un Español para complacer mi! [she hugs and kisses Edmund]
Don Speekenglish: Oh, what a love this must be that you dress as a Spanish man to delight me!
Prince Edmund: [upset] Oh, Baldrick!
Infanta: Que amor, que amor, que amor!
Don Speekenglish: What love, what love, what love.
Edmund: Baldrick, you fool!
Queen Gertrude: [to the woman she came in with] Look at the two lovebirds!
Prince Edmund: One lovebird and one love-elephant!
Queen Gertrude: It's almost as if they were married already.
Prince Edmund: [while being smothered by Infanta] What did you say?
Queen Gertrude: It's almost as if you were married already!
Prince Edmund: That's what I thought you said! [he struggles] Boys...
Baldrick and Percy: Yes, my lord. [they try to free him from Infanta]
Prince Edmund: I think I have another plan.
[In a corridor, Baldrick knocks a monk, Reverend Lloyd, unconscious. Edmund runs down the field where a man is on one knee, giving a bundle of flowers to a woman. Edmund, still in his "effeminate" dress, runs between them, ending up with the flowers. Percy chats with a woman, Tally, in a small cottage; she's surprised with a smile and giggles when she hears what he says. Later, in the cottage, Lloyd is setting up a makeshift altar; Tally is still giggling]
Prince Edmund: Percy, is she the best you could do? I mean, I am marrying the woman!
Percy: Yes, I know, but it’s only for a couple of days, isn't it...
Prince Edmund: Ah yes, that's true. Come on, hurry up, Father!
Reverend Lloyd: Er, yes, very well. Er, we are gathered here, O gracious Lord, to bear witness, at very short notice... [Tally giggles] ...to the marriage of these two God-fearing Christians: er, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, and, er, Tally Applebottom. [Tally giggles again] Is that right?
Tally: Yes, that's right. Whoever would have thought it? The Duke of Edinburgh, consumed with passion, whisks away little Tally! [laughs]
Prince Edmund: Shut up!!! Come on, get on with it, Father, will you?
Reverend Lloyd: Yes, very well. Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?
Prince Edmund: No, I'm a bowl of soup! [Tally laughs] Come on, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up...
Reverend Lloyd: And are you Miss Tally Applebottom?
Tally: Mrs.
Reverend Lloyd: Er, Mrs.- [realizes] Ah...
Prince Edmund: Ah... [looks at Percy]
Percy: Ah...
Prince Edmund: [stammers a bit] Well, never mind, get on with it, Father, come on!
Reverend Lloyd: Yes, but surely if she's–
Prince Edmund: Look, the Church is never going to progress if it isn't just a bit adaptable!
Reverend Lloyd: But this is most unusual! [Baldrick holds a knife to Lloyd's throat] Well, mind you, hasn't the Church always dealt with the unusual? The miracle with the fishes, for example. We'll continue. [puts a hand behind his back, fingers crossed] So, no one knows any cause or just impediment why these persons may not joined together in holy matrimony.
Prince Edmund: No.
Baldrick: No.
Percy: No.
Tally: No.
Reverend Lloyd: No.
[A man, Thomas, enters, carrying a scythe]
Thomas: [angrily] Yes!
Reverend Lloyd: Ah... [a bit confused] And, er, you are...?
Thomas: Mr. Applebottom.
Reverend Lloyd: Then you are the father of the bride...
Thomas: No, I'm the husband of the...bride.
Tally: Oh, this is my husband, Thomas. Thomas, this is my fiancé, the Duke of Edinburgh. Prince Edmund, this is Thomas. Thomas, this is Father O'–
Reverend Lloyd: ...Smith! I called about the ducking-stool you found. [quickly begins to gather up his things]
Prince Edmund: [backs round and round as Thomas approaches him; Percy and Baldrick hide behind him] Mr. Applebottom, I was just wondering whether I could possibly have a temporary arrangement with your good lady. I only need her for a very short stint...
Thomas: Get out!!!
Prince Edmund: Look, you stupid peasant, all I want to do is marry your wife!
Thomas: Get out of here!!!
[Baldrick, Percy and Edmund leave in fear]
Tally: [shocked at her husband's behavior] That was the Duke of Edinburgh, you know!
Thomas: No, that'll be the Earl of Doncaster.
[Outside the throne room, the Infanta, Don Speekenglish, and the Queen all sit on a bench]
Infanta: Ah, esto estas bien.
Don Speekenglish: Well, this is nice.
Queen Gertrude: Oh, yes.
Infanta: Hablierto poco de cosas de mujeres.
Don Speekenglish: To have a little talk about a lady's things.
Infanta: Si, los dos solas.
Don Speekenglish: Just the two of us.
Queen Gertrude: Oh, yes, yes.
Infanta: Si, bueno. Señora, hable mi de les hombres ingleses.
Don Speekenglish: So tell me, Mrs. Queen, about Englishmen.
Queen Gertrude: Well, they spend most of their time with animals, you know, and with other men. But, oh, when they do come to the women, they only want one thing!
Infanta: [grinning] Que? Que?
Don Speekenglish: And what is that?
Queen Gertrude: Well, it’s a kind of pudding made of bread and butter and raisins, and, of course, the other thing...
Infanta: Que el otro? Que el otro?
Don Speekenglish: And what is the other thing?
Queen Gertrude: [as though it's obvious] Oh, well, custard!
Don Speekenglish: Crema!
Infanta: [laughing] No...Edmundo; que tal es?
Don Speekenglish: Edmund; what’s he like?
Queen Gertrude: Well, I told you: this pudding...
Infanta: No no no...
Queen Gertrude: No?
Infanta: En la cama! [put her hands together, resting them on her cheek]
Don Speekenglish: No, what's he like in bed?
Queen Gertrude: Oh. Well, in bed, he likes hot milk, with just a little touch of cinnamon.
Don Speekenglish: No, no, no. [concentrating on the words] What is he like?
Queen Gertrude: Oh. Well, he's like a little rabbit, really.
Infanta: Conejo?! [giggles about this] Mama, mama, cuanto le quiero! [she hugs the Queen]
Don Speekenglish: [popping up under their arms] Mummy, mummy, how much I love him!
[We cut to Edmund’s room where Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are wearing antlers, and none of them are at all excited; a dog is cooking over a fire]
Prince Edmund: I would never have believed that my stag party would be like this, the most depressing night of my life.
Baldrick: Well, my lord, at least you can take solace in one thing.
Prince Edmund: What's that?
Baldrick: We're pretty sure your wife's a virgin.
Prince Edmund: At least there are no living witnesses to the contrary. If she wasn't, we might still stand a chance. Officially, you've still got to be a virgin. [suddenly, an idea forms in Edmund's head and he looks at Percy]
Percy: What, my lord? [realizing Edmund is grinning, and begins to understand] Oh!
[Smiling, both of them look at Baldrick]
Baldrick: [chuckles nervously] Oh no. [understanding] No. [horrified] No!
Prince Edmund: Yes! Yes! YES!
[Later, outside the Infanta's bedroom; Edmund and Percy are dabbing perfume on Baldrick, who's in a nightshirt]
Baldrick: Please, my lord, I beg you to reconsider.
Prince Edmund: Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I'd take it.
Baldrick: But I'll die in there.
Prince Edmund: Don't worry, we'll give you a hero's funeral; bury you at sea; say you died in combat with an enemy vessel. That's it. There we are. Go on, in you go. [pats him on the head] Little boy with big job to do...Come on, Percy, let's get the King.
[Edmund leaves. Percy too, but then turns to Baldrick. They shakes hands, then they embrace for a while, Percy is half crying, and half laughing, then leaves. Baldrick enters the bedroom. The room is completely dark, and nothing can be seen]
Baldrick: Infanta...Infanta...
Infanta: Edmundo? Edmundo, amor mio!
Don Speekenglish: Oh Edmund, my love!
Infanta: Ohh!!!
[We cut to the map room; Edmund and Percy enter]
Prince Edmund: My lord, Your Majesty.
King Richard IV: What?
[We cut to the dark bedroom where Baldrick and the Infanta are moaning, then back to the map room]
Prince Edmund: I bring the gravest of news.
King Richard IV: What? Have our armies at the Rhine been slaughtered to a man, had their heads cut off and melted cheese poured down their nostrils in the traditional Swiss manner?
Prince Edmund: Um, no, my lord.
Infanta: [back in the dark room] No te reprimas, por favor, pequeña.
Don Speekenglish: Don't hold back, please, my little one.
King Richard IV: [back in the map room] Then is it news of the Russian royal family, mistaken for bison due to their excessive winter clothing, hunted down, chopped to pieces and eaten as little sweets by Mongolian bandits?
Prince Edmund: Um, no, my lord.
Infanta: [back in the dark bedroom] Ooohhhhh!!!!
Don Speekenglish: Securo!
King Richard IV: [back in the map room] Well, what then?
Prince Edmund: [acting distraught] My lord, the Spanish Infanta is not a virgin.
Infanta: [back in the dark room] Oooooaaahh...
King Richard IV: [back in the map room] Oh, yes, I know that.
Infanta: [back in the dark room] Mas...
King Richard IV: [back in the map room] Her uncle told me.
Don Speekenglish: [back in the dark room] Again please!
King Richard IV: [back in the map room] We took five hundred off the dowry because of it.
Prince Edmund: But I thought-
King Richard IV: Only one of you has to be a virgin! [Edmund is speechless. Percy looks confused] Anything else?
[Edmund turns away. Percy is about to say something, but Edmund shoos him outside, and follows Percy out]
[Later, in the court; Edmund's marriage commences; Richard is in the back with a soldier, moving figures about on a small map]
Archbishop: Dearly beloved, we are gathered together, here in the sight of Our Lord, to witness the marriage of two God-fearing Christians. [Baldrick is also in attendance; his face is black and blue] Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?
Prince Edmund: Yes, I am...
Archbishop: And are you Maria Escalosa Fiena Infanta?
Infanta: Si, si, si! ¡Estúpido, date prisa! ¡Deseo volver a entrelazarlo en mis anchos muslos!
Don Speekenglish: Yes, you stupid person, hurry up. I wish to entwine him again in my broad thighs.
Archbishop: Marriage is an holy state, conceived by God. If any man here knows just cause why they may not be married...
Prince Edmund: [looks up, and we hear his thoughts] Oh, dear Lord, please, help me now!
Archbishop: ...let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
Prince Edmund: [looks up; thinks] Now's your chance!
Archbishop: So be it.
Prince Edmund: [looks up; thinks] Oh, thanks a lot!
King Richard IV: Come on, hurry up!
Archbishop: [faster] Do you, Edmund Plantagenet, take Maria Escalosa...
Don Speekenglish: Usted, Edmundo Plantagenato–
Archbishop: Oh, do shut up!
Don Speekenglish: Silencio!
Archbishop: ...to be your lawful wedded wife; to have and to hold; to cherish and to delight; [looks at Infanta and lets his words slip] to chastise and to beat until death? [comes to his senses] Er, until death do you part?
[Edmund nodded reluctantly]
King Richard IV: Speak up, can't hear a thing back here!
Prince Edmund: [weakly] I do.
King Richard IV: STILL CAN'T HEAR!!
Prince Edmund: I do, I do, I do!!!
[Infanta is delighted at his apparent excitement]
Archbishop: Do you, Maria Escalosa Infanta...
Infanta: Si! Si! Si!
Archbishop: ...take Edmund Plantagenet to be your lawful wedded husband?
Don Speekenglish: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Prince Edmund: Oh no!!!
Archbishop: [louder] I then pronounce you–
Messenger: [entering] Stop!
Archbishop: [raising his fist] Christ!!!
Messenger: I bring absolutely unbelievable news that must halt the wedding!
[Edmund really is excited now]
King Richard IV: What; have the Swiss and French made sudden peace with each other at a mountain-pass rendezvous, then forged a clandestine alliance with Spain, thus leaving us without friends in Europe, unless by chance we make an immediate pact with Hungary?
Messenger: [looks at his scroll, reads it through to himself, and is surprised] Yes.
King Richard IV: As I thought! Are there any Hungarian princesses in the castle?
Prince Harry: Oh, yes, Father, I think I've got one. [checking his list] Erm, yes: Princess Leia of Hungary.
Prince Edmund: What's she like?
Prince Harry: [turns over slip of paper] Leia is, er, "young and beautiful, her eyes are like opals and her hair a cascade of perfect chestnut."
Prince Edmund: [relieved] Oh, well! That sounds all right, doesn't it?!
Infanta: [confused while approaching the King] Que pasa, King? Que pasa?
Don Speekenglish: Excuse me, what is happening, please?
King Richard IV: Call her into the court! [turns to Infanta] And as for that great Spanish dumpling there... [Infanta, hearing the interpretation, slaps Don] ...get her out of my sight at once, or I'll eat her! Yaaah!!!
Infanta: [approaches Edmund] Amor mio! Al lado de mi! Amor mio!
Don Speekenglish: My love! Beside me! Beside me!
Prince Edmund: Sorry, what can I do, politics!
[Infanta and Don are taken away by the soldier]
King Richard IV: Come on, come on, come on! Where is she? Where is she? Where is Princess Leia? [Edmund looks down the row of beautiful young princesses; they all act innocently seductive. Edmund looks pleased. From behind Countess Caroline, Leia comes out. She's a child about eight years old] Ah, good, good!
[Edmund doubletakes]
King Richard IV: Osmund, meet your new wife...
Princess Leia: [sweetly] Hello, Edmund.
Prince Edmund: [disappointed] Hello...
Princess Leia: [bored] Are we getting married now?
Prince Edmund: Yes, yes, I believe we are...
Princess Leia: Come on, then. [takes Edmund's hand and brought him to the altar. She skips as they made their way there]
Archbishop: [shrugs at the absurdity, then bends to Leia's height and speaks slowly] Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today-
[Leia giggles]
[That evening, in Edmund and Leia's bedroom (separate beds); Edmund reads her a bedtime story]
Prince Edmund: "...and so it came to pass that the big bear had to leave all his friends in the forest, and go to live in a land far away, where the elves and the fairies would look after him until the day that he died."
Princess Leia: [yawns] Oh, that was lovely, Edmund. What a happy story. Isn't it time to put the light out?
Prince Edmund: Yes, my dear, I think it is. It must be at least six o'clock... [blows out the candle as the end credits starts]
[We cut to outside Alnwick Castle at night during the end credits. And after the credits, both Edmund and Leia's voices were heard]
Princess Leia: [off-screen] Can I get a drink of water, please?
Prince Edmund: [off-screen, tiredly] Yes, yes, yes, alright...

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

edit
[It is a dark evening in England. Inside cottage, four people are eating supper while Mrs. Tyler helps out]
Mrs. Tyler: What about this plague, then? Rumors from the North say it's worse there than ever.
Mr. Piers: No, no...Now that we've found out about the rats, we'll never have plague again.
Mrs. Field: You know what they're saying: "A rat a day keeps the plague away!"
Mr. Piers: Believe me, madam: There'll be no more plague in our lifetime.
Mrs. Tyler: Well, I hope you're right. [she goes to get a bowl]
[The three at the table suddenly die. Mrs. Tyler turns around and screams in horror. "The Black Adder" logo comes out of her mouth as the opening theme begins]
Narrator: By the autumn of the Year of Our Lord, 1495, the Black Plague once again howled westwards across Europe from the Indies, carried by seamen and entering England by the South West Passage. Each day, thousands died. Village after village disappeared in its evil wake, and not even the best and noblest escaped its horror.
[Inside the corridor in the castle, Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh and his squire, Baldrick, are fiddling with a royal portrait while Lord Percy guards the corridor. Percy, however, turns his head round to see what Edmund is doing, and, at that moment, Edmund's older brother, Prince Harry, walks up to him]
Prince Harry: Ah, Edmund, I'm glad I've caught you.
Prince Edmund: [hiding the portrait behind his back] Er, doing what?
Prince Harry: I'm afraid Father's feeling a bit under the weather.
Prince Edmund: [a bit excited at the possibility of being closer to the throne] Oh dear! Any idea what?
Prince Harry: Not sure. I think it's probably Black Death. Nevertheless, I am sure that he'd appreciate a little visit from you...
Prince Edmund: Oh. Well, I'm sure I can pop my head round the door...
Prince Harry: ...sort of nowish.
[Later, Edmund approaches the door to the throne room; the Queen is outside the door]
Prince Edmund: Mother, would you like to...?
Queen Gertrude: Oh, no, dear, he won't let me near him.
[Edmund opens the door to find the King screaming with his sword raised. Edmund quickly shuts the door and steps aside as the King's sword pokes through the door]
Queen Gertrude: How is he?
Prince Edmund: [still shocked] Well, he's up.
[In the meeting room, Harry is holding the council with various lords]
Prince Harry: My Lords of the Council, we face today the gravest crisis this country has known since the Roman invasion.
All: Hear hear!
[An officer enters, carrying a helmet]
Prince Harry: Therefore, I propose-
Officer: Your Highness, the King has stirred and calls for you.
Prince Harry: Ah. [swallows nervously] Very well. [removes his hat; standing up] Gentlemen, I must leave you. [take the helmet from Officer and draws his sword, preparing to meet the deranged King] Prince Edmund is in charge!
[Percy begins to bang on the table in approval, but all the lords mutter "Oh shame...", so he stops. Harry and an officer leave. Baldrick brings Harry's notes to Edmund]
Prince Edmund: Er, yes, right. Gentlemen, right... [reading from Harry's notes] As you know, today we face the gravest crisis this country has known since the Roman invasion.
[They all make sounds of protest: "Nonsense!"; "Rubbish!"; etc.]
Lord Ross: What about the Viking invasion?
Lord Fife: And the Norman invasion?
Angus: And the Swiss invasion?
Prince Edmund: Er, well, the greatest crisis for some time.
Lord Fife: And we all know why!
Prince Edmund: Why?
Angus: Because the King is possessed!
Prince Edmund: [shocked] What?!
Lord Fife: True! True! The land is full of omens of bewitchment. Only last week in Cornwall, a man with four heads was seen taking tea on the beach; and two women in Windsor claimed to have been raped by a fish!
Lord Ross: I, too, have heard such tales. In Harrigate, it rained phlegm; and they do say that, in Edinburgh, the graves did open and the ghosts of our ancestors rose up and competed in athletic sports!
Percy: And a friend of mine had this awful pimple on the inside of his nose!!!
Prince Edmund: Percy, shut up, for God's sake.
[There are mutters of "Witchcraft!"]
Angus: And a farmer in Rye heard a cow reciting Geoffrey Chaucer; and a young woman in Shropshire saw Geoffrey Chaucer in a field, mooing and suckling a young heifer!
Prince Edmund: Gentlemen, gentlemen, surely we aren't the sort of people who believe in this sort of thing. I mean, next you'll be telling me is that washing your hair in bat's droppings stops you going bald.
Lord Fife: But it's true! I couldn't find enough bats, and look what happened! [removes his hat to show his baldness]
Angus: I move that we do the only thing we can do to remove this curse from the kingdom.
Prince Edmund: Ah, well, that sounds like the answer, doesn't it!
Lord Ross: Send for the Witchsmeller Pursuivant!
[They all agree, and stand up. Edmund's protests arre not heard]
Lord Fife: Call for the Witchsmeller Pursuivant!
Angus: The Prince of Wales must be informed!
Prince Edmund: No, wait!
[They begin to walk out. Percy starts to walk out with them]
Prince Edmund: Percy, PERCY!
Percy: What?
Prince Edmund: What the devil do you think you're doing?
Percy: Look, look, I just can't take the pressure of all these omens anymore!
Prince Edmund: Percy...
Percy: No, no, really, I'm serious. Only this morning in the courtyard, I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies!
Prince Edmund: Two horses standing next to each other?
Percy: Yes, I suppose it could have been.
Prince Edmund: Honestly, Percy, I bet you're just the sort of person who thinks that sticking your finger up a sheep's bottom on Good Friday will make you fertile!
Baldrick: That's rubbish!
Prince Edmund: Quite, really.
Baldrick: It's Easter Monday.
Prince Edmund: Yes, remind me not to shake your hand during a religious festival, Baldrick. I don't believe it; I mean, who is this Witchsmeller Pursuivant, anyway?
Baldrick: I don't know, My Lord, but Mistress Scott would.
Prince Edmund: Ah yes; the old crone with a cat...
Percy: Oh yes, the cat! Lovely. Oh, but she lives in the village!
Prince Edmund: So?
Percy: Everyone's dying of the plague!
Prince Edmund: Oh, yes, that's what they claim, those peasants! Any excuse to go off a decent day's work...

[Outside of the castle gate; Edmund, Percy and Baldrick enter the village. Corpses are strewn about the streets, and moans and cries are heard]

Prince Edmund: [stepping over some of the corpses] I mean, obviously, there are some genuine cases...
[Percy trips over a corpse; Edmund and Baldrick continue walking]
Villager 1: Good morning, Prince Edmund.
Prince Edmund: 'Morning, peasant!
Villager 2: 'Morning, Prince Edmund.
Prince Edmund: 'Morning, peasant!
Villager 3: [speaking from atop a heap of corpses in a carriage] 'Morning, Prince Edmund.
Prince Edmund: 'Morning, peasant!
[Villager 3 dies]
Baldrick: My Lord, shouldn't you disguise yourself?
Prince Edmund: Hmm?
Baldrick: Well, I mean: we don't want someone with a grudge coming up and infecting you on purpose.
Prince Edmund: Ah, yes, you're right.
[Edmund walks through a clothesline. He emerges wearing a bit of cloth with a thin part running diagonally across his face, not hiding his features at all; the rest follow behind him]
Villager 4: 'Morning, stranger.
Prince Edmund: 'Morning, friend!
Peasant 3: 'Morning, stranger.
Prince Edmund: 'Morning, friend!
Peasant 3: [to his companion] Who is that dark stranger?
Peasant 1: Oh, that'll be Prince Edmund.
Percy: This way, My Lord. [put his cape down over a patch of manure]
Prince Edmund: Yes. [avoid walking on Percy's cape; walks around it]
[A crier steps out of a building, ringing a hand bell]
Dying Crier: Bring out your dead! [dies]
Prince Edmund: [to an adolescent boy peasant] You, where's Mistress Scott?
Peasant 4: You just passed her. [points to a charred stake in the ground]
Prince Edmund: Oh my God! [sees Percy kneeling on the ground, and holds some small bones picked up from near a tiny stake in the ground] And what's that?
Percy: The, er, cat, My Lord.
Prince Edmund: [calling to some of the peasants] Does anyone know what happened?
Peasant 2: [raise his arm] No, I don't!
Peasant 4: Me neither. I was right on the other side of town when we burned her.
Peasant 2: [hits the 4th peasant in the back of the head] Shh!
Edmund: You burned her? Why?
Peasant 2: [trying to act baffled] I don't know.
Peasant 4: Well, it was because she was a witch, wasn't it?
Peasant 2: Shh! [hits Peasant 4 in the back of the head]
Prince Edmund: You burned Mistress Scott for being a witch? Why?
[Peasant 1 and Peasant 3 arrive]
Peasant 4: Can't say, it's a secret.
Prince Edmund: A secret? [puts his hands on his hips] Do you know who I am?
Peasant 2: A stranger.
Prince Edmund: Oh yes, that's right. Well, tell me anyway.
Peasant 2: No, no! We can't! And I'll tell you why: because if you'd been part of a secret committee to invite the Witchsmeller Pursuivant into town, and he'd already burnt four of your best friends, would you go telling everyone?
Prince Edmund: No, I suppose I wouldn't. So, is it the Witchsmeller Pursuivant who burned her?
Peasant 3: [surprised] He's guessed!
Peasant 1: [also surprised] He's clever.
Baldrick: They don't call him Clever Jake for nothing, you know.
Prince Edmund: Well, they don't call me Clever Ja-oh, I see. So what does this Witchsmeller man look like?
Peasant 1: No one knows, my lord, no one! [a dark hooded figure with glowing red eyes filters in as Peasant 3 speaks] He's a master of disguise, and he mostly appears only at night. [to the hooded figure] That's right, isn't it?
Witchsmeller: [for it is he] I believe so. [goes behind Edmund]
Prince Edmund: Ah, right, so he won't be around, now. [the Witchsmeller has removed his hood] Well, let me tell you something: If this so-called Witchsmeller burnt Mistress Scott-
Percy: And her pussycat...
Prince Edmund: ...and her pu- [looks at Percy] Be quiet, Percy. ...Then there's something wrong with his nose. And I should know: they don't call me Clever Pete for nothing.
Baldrick: [muttering] Jake, my lord.
Prince Edmund: What about him?
Baldrick: Clever Jake, my lord.
Prince Edmund: Where?
Baldrick: You are Clever Jake, my lord.
Prince Edmund: Oh yes. They don't call me Clever Pete at all! They call me Clever Jake. And if I were you, and I'd asked the Witchsmeller into town, I'd kick the big-nosed bully straight out again! [to the Witchsmeller] What do you say?
Witchsmeller: I think it's worth serious consideration.
Prince Edmund: Well, exactly. Take Clever Tom's advice, and send him back to the madhouse he came from. Come on, boys. Put them down, Percy. [hits Percy's hand, causing cat bones to fly everywhere; this upsets Percy] Come on. Mistress Scott is obviously in no state to help us today.
[The Witchsmeller grins evily as Edmund and his company leaves]
[In the courtroom of the castle, the Witchsmeller performs tricks to Harry]
Witchsmeller: [has his hands crossed; one hand has "EVIL" written on the fingers; the other hand has "GOOD" written on the fingers] I have two functions to protect the good, [turns up and opens the "GOOD" hand, revealing a white egg] and to crush the evil. [turns up and opens the "EVIL" hand, revealing a brown egg] Watch! [he squeezes the eggs; both of them break]
Prince Harry: Fascinating! Absolutely fascinating! Erm, actually, you have crushed both eggs, you know.
Witchsmeller: Some that seem good sometimes proved to be evil. [holds up the remains of the evil egg]
Baldrick: [enters] My lords; The Duke of Edinburgh.
[Edmund and Percy enter]
Prince Harry: Ah, Edmund! Come on in, come on in. The Witchsmeller's arrived.
Prince Edmund: Oh yes? Old Big nose is back, is he? [the Witchsmeller turns, recognizing Edmund's voice. They both realize that they were the ones in the village.] Oh, hello...I'm delighted to meet you. Why, I'm one of your greatest admirers.
Witchsmeller: [outraged] "Old Big nose is back"???
Prince Edmund: Yes. [points down the hall] Old Big nose is back. He's in a terrible state. I was talking to him just now. He's a great admirer of yours as well.
Percy: [confused] Who's this?
Prince Edmund: Er, [motions down the hall again] Old Big nose... [Percy is still confused; speaks again to the Witchsmeller] In fact, I've heard about your work in Taunton. Imagine that, every single person in the village having an affair with the same duck.
Witchsmeller: The Duck of Taunton was a tragic circumstance.
Prince Edmund: And I hear you very kindly burned our Mistress Scott for us.
Witchsmeller: Oh yes. [turns to Percy] And her pussycat.
Prince Edmund: Ah, but have you found the chief witch yet?
Witchsmeller: I feel I may be very close.
Prince Edmund: Ooh, get the kindling ready! Make sure that stake is well done!
Prince Harry: Witchsmeller, my dear, if you do happen to come across someone who's a bit, you know, um, witchy, how do you prove him guilty?
Witchsmeller: By trial or by ordeal.
Prince Edmund: Ah, the ordeal by water...
Witchsmeller: No, by axe.
Prince Edmund: [suspecting something like that] Oh!
Witchsmeller: The suspect has his head placed upon a block, [pushes Edmund's neck with his sword] and an axe aimed at his neck. If the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck, [bounces his sword against Edmund's neck] so we burn him. If the man is not guilty, the axe will simply slice his head off. [slices his sword down; Edmund stands up straight just in time]
Prince Edmund: What a very fair test that is.
Witchsmeller: Would you like to take a less violent test yourself, Your Highness, by way of demonstration? [has a small table brought forth]
Prince Edmund: How much less violent?
Witchsmeller: I place before the suspect a dagger and crucifix... [does so]
Prince Harry: Oh, how interesting!
Witchsmeller: The suspect is blindfolded, and if he picks up the dagger from the table, he is Satan's bedfellow.
Prince Harry: Yes, Edmund, I think you should do it, eh? At least take yourself out of the running, wot!
Lord Fife: I haven't seen your broomstick recently, Your Highness!
Prince Harry: [to Lord Fife] Oh, very good, Lord Fife! Very good!
Prince Edmund: I'm not so sure about all this, you know... [the Witchsmeller puts a bag over his head]
Prince Harry: Oh, come on!
[Edmund takes one final look at the dagger and crucifix on the table, then replaces the bag]
Witchsmeller: You will all notice how it has suddenly become much darker. [points his sword to something behind everyone, causing them to turn; he switches the knife and crucifix positions to frame Edmund] Choose!
Prince Edmund: [reaches down confidently and unknowingly picks up the dagger] There we are!
[Everyone is shocked]
Lord Fife: Prince Edmund's a witch!
Prince Harry: How the devil did that happen?
[Edmund removes the bag, and became shocked and confused to see what he's holding]
Witchsmeller: [now carrying a large cross] As I thought, my lord, as I thought: This is the source of evil in your Kingdom. This is your witch. Behold; Lucifer's brother! B-b-bl-bl-b-b-BURN THE WITCH!
Prince Edmund: Yes, er, I'm not quite sure I caught the first part of that...
Witchsmeller: Confess, My Lord, and you will know the truth.
Prince Harry: If that's what you recommend.
Prince Edmund: But, Henry, you can't let him do this!
Prince Harry: He is very highly thought of, you know.
Prince Edmund: But he's a quack!
Witchsmeller: What did you say?
Prince Edmund: "Quack"! "Quack"! "Quack"!
Witchsmeller: You see, My Lord, how the Duck of Taunton lives within him!!! [throws duck feathers at Edmund]
Prince Harry: Yes, I'm afraid so! Let him be tried tomorrow!
[Edmund burbles futilely]
[Edmund's trial, in the castle, next morning]
Officer: Lords and Ladies of England, this court is summoned to adjudge the most heinous of all crimes, that of witchcraft. [the crowd screams; a Woman falls from her seat, onto the floor] Further onto this day, as the accused is a Prince of the Realm. Step forward, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.
[The guards make Edmund stand and take his place; the crowd gasps]
Woman 2: Look at his hair!
Woman 1: His hair proves it!
Officer: Who will defend the accused... [Percy stands up] ...and thus condemn himself to certain burning at the stake as a partner in Satan if the accused is found guilty?
[Percy sits back down, acting quite interested in his book and quill]
Baldrick: Lord Percy will defend His Royal Highness. [motions at Percy to stand]
Percy: Oh, yes, yes, me, sorry, yes...Hello...
Witchsmeller: [arrives, carrying a Bible] Witch! [the crowd gasps] Witch!! [the crowd gasps again; he's now in front of Percy] WITCH!!!
[The crowd cheers]
Woman 2: Look at his hair!
Woman 1: His hair proves it!
Witchsmeller: [to Harry] My lord, will you force us to listen to the pleadings of a man who may be a witch himself?
[The crowd gasps]
Prince Harry: You know, you're absolutely right. Yes, well, that concludes the case for the defense. Thank you, Lord Percy. Let the prosecutor begin.
Witchsmeller: Prince Edmund, are you a Christian?
Prince Edmund: Yes, of course I am.
Witchsmeller: Can you say the Lord's Prayer?
Prince Edmund: Well, yes, I can say it backwards if you like!
Witchsmeller: CONFESSION! [the crowd cheers] Now, Edmund, I believe you have a pussycat...
Prince Edmund: Yes.
Witchsmeller: Ohh! [the crowd "Ohh"s] Its name is Bubbles?
Prince Edmund: Right.
Witchsmeller: Yes, or, to give it its full name, Beelzebubbles!!! [the crowd screams; Woman 1 falls off her seat, to the floor] Do you deny that you were seen, on the Feast of St. Jacob the Turgid, speaking to this little cat Bubbles?
Prince Edmund: Well, of course I deny it!
Witchsmeller: Ah, but the chambermaid Mary heard you say, and I quote, "Hello, little Bubbles, would you like some milk?"
Prince Edmund: Well, I might have said that.
Witchsmeller: Ah! and what did you mean by it?
Prince Edmund: Well I meant, would the cat like some milk.
Witchsmeller: Milk? What did you mean by milk?
Prince Edmund: I meant milk, bloody milk!
Witchsmeller: Bloody milk! A mixture of milk and blood!
Prince Edmund: No, no, just milk!
Witchsmeller: Ah, the blood was to come later!
Prince Edmund: There wasn't any blood!
Witchsmeller: SO YOU HAD TO MAKE DO WITH MILK! [the crowd screams and cheers; Percy leans back in his chair, defeated] I must ask, my lord. Do you have a horse called Black Satin?
Prince Edmund: Yes.
Witchsmeller: Yes, and do you confess than on the thirtieth day of Norris time you did say to this horse Black Satin, and I quote, "Satin, would you like some carrots?"
Prince Edmund: Well, I might have done; he likes carrots.
Witchsmeller: Carrots?
Prince Edmund: [suspicious of the question] Yes, carrots...
Witchsmeller: But, ladies and gentlemen, we all know that carrots are the Devil's favorite food!
Percy: [standing up] No! No, we don't. If the Devil likes carrots, why isn't mentioned in the Bible, then? Why doesn't it say, "And He took the Lord up to the top of an high mountain and offered Him a carrot"?
Prince Edmund: Yes, why isn't "Thou shalt not eat carrots" in the Ten Commandments?
Witchsmeller: IT IS! [the crowd cheers] [opening the Bible] The Ten Commandments of Jeremoth, in the Appendix to the Apocrypha: "And the Lord said unto the children of Bedinibott?, 'Neither shalt thou eat the fruit of the tree that is known as the Carrot Tree'."
Baldrick: Carrots don't grow on trees!
Witchsmeller: [sarcastically] Oh, really? And how did you get to know so much about carrots, eh? [he and the crowd laughs] WITCH! [the crowd gasps] My Lord, I call my first witness!
[The crowd cheers. Later, Edmund's horse, Black Satin is on the witness stand]
Witchsmeller: Now, Satin, just relax. You're among friends. Good. Now, tell me, in your own words: Did you, Satin, on certain nights last Gareth's tide, indulge, albeit, I accept, in all innocence, in frenzied, naked, and obscene Satanic orgies with your master, known to you as the Great Grumbledook?
Prince Edmund: [shocked] What?
Witchsmeller: Silence, Grumbledook! Satin, you're not replying. [to Harry] He's not replying, My Lord. Are we to assume this horse had something to hide?
Prince Edmund: Either that or he can't talk.
Witchsmeller: A likely story. Black Satin, known in the Hierarchy of Evil as Black Satin the Loquacious, are you or are you not the servant of Satan?
[The crowd screams; Black Satin whines]
Prince Harry: I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Was that a yea or a nay?
Witchsmeller: It was a neigh, my lord, but I don't believe a word of it. I call for a recess. He may think he controls us, but we have ways of making him talk!
[The crowd cheers]
[Later, Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are inside a cell. The Queen is outside of it]
Queen Gertrude: Well, I suppose this is what comes of being a witch.
Prince Edmund: Mother, I'm not a witch!
Queen Gertrude: Oh, Edmund, you always were a bit of a fibber.
Prince Edmund: Mother, I beg of you: use whatever power you have to help me.
Queen Gertrude: I haven't had any power for years, you know.
Prince Edmund: But Father's sick! You must do something, otherwise...
Queen Gertrude: Otherwise what?
Prince Edmund: Well, otherwise, I'll be burnt!
Queen Gertrude: Ah, yes, this would be a pity.
Prince Edmund: Well, thanks.
Queen Gertrude: I'll see if I can sort out something. [leaves]
Percy: My lord, I had an idea how to get out of this.
Prince Edmund: Yes?
Percy: Send for all the greatest lawyers in the land, and they could save you!
Prince Edmund: Brilliant! Contact them at once.
Percy: I've already done it, My Lord! [holding up some pages of paper]
Prince Edmund: Oh, Percy, thank you! Are those the letters?
Percy: [a bit reluctant] Er, yes...
Prince Edmund: Read them.
Percy: [more reluctant] Very well. Erm, this is from Robert Wyatt in Somerset: [reading] "What you ask is against reason and God. I spit on you and your master, and look forward to passing water over both your graves at a later date."
Prince Edmund: Yes... [looks at another one, held by Baldrick] What does that one say?
Baldrick: It's from John Watts.
Prince Edmund: Oh, "Stinker" Watts!
Baldrick: [reading, although Percy puts forward a hand as though he'd rather it wasn't read] "Dear Percy: I remember being at school with Prince Edmund and yourself, and so was very interested by your letter".
Prince Edmund: Yes?
Baldrick: "May you both die horribly. Yours, John Watts."
Prince Edmund: Oh no, I'm doomed!
Baldrick: Wait a moment, My Lord! I have a cunning plan that cannot fail!
Prince Edmund: Oh! What is it?
Baldrick: Well-
[The guards, Soft and Anon, come into the foreground]
Soft: My wife was wondering whether you'd like to come round for dinner tonight.
Anon: No, thanks.
Soft: Why not?
Anon: Well, the food tastes like manure, and, frankly, I find you both very boring.
Soft: Oh, fair enough. How about next Thursday, then?
Anon: Er, yeah, that's lovely, yeah. About half eight?
Soft: Yeah, all right, be there.
[Baldrick had finished telling his plan]
Prince Edmund: Brilliant! [laughs, and shakes Baldrick's hand] Well done, Baldrick! Very cunning! You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings!
[The guards chat some more]
Soft: By the way, how's that eagle of yours?
Anon: Oh, fine, fine. Mind you, I had a bit of trouble to start with, but, now I've clipped its wings, no problem!
Soft: Glad to hear it.
[As the guards separate again, Edmund goes to the bars]
Prince Edmund: Tomorrow, I shall not be so meek! [laughs]
[At the trial again, everyone is booing and hissing and Edmund and his company, but Edmund sneers back, Percy raspberries back, and Baldrick spits back]
Witchsmeller: [holding a page of paper] My Lord, unhappily, the horse, blessed Satin the Confessor, who was to have been our first witness today...
Prince Harry: Yes?
Witchsmeller: ...cannot be with us.
Prince Harry: Oh dear.
Witchsmeller: However, before he died...
Prince Edmund: You bastard!
Witchsmeller: ...he did make this signed confession. I'll read it to you. "I, Black Satin, confess that my former master, Edmund, is the servant of Satan..." [the crowd gasps] "...and I spoke to him on the matter frequently..." [the crowd "Ooh"s] "...over a gallon"-a gallon!-"...a gallon of stable boy's blood"! [turns the paper to display that, below the letter, there is a horseshoe print and splattered blood on the page, and the crowd screams] And furthermore, my lord, this turgid, horrid, nasty and most evil case draws to an end. I call my last witness!
Prince Edmund: Oh yes, and what is it? A cow? A talkative badger? An easily-bribed ant?
Witchsmeller: I call Jane Firkettle! Jane, do you recognize that man there?
Jane Firkettle: Which?
Witchsmeller: That one.
Jane Firkettle: 'Course I recognize him!
Prince Edmund: She's seen me on a coin.
Witchsmeller: Have you or have you not committed sins of the flesh with him?
Jane Firkettle: Indeed, I have.
Prince Edmund: You must be joking!
Jane Firkettle: To my deepest shame.
Prince Edmund: And mine. I mean, look at her!
Witchsmeller: Can you describe these foul deeds?
Jane Firkettle: Well, after we had kissed just once, he transformed into a wild animal.
Prince Edmund: Perhaps I do remember you.
Jane Firkettle: Three months later, I was great with child.
Prince Edmund: Oh, for god's sake!
Witchsmeller: You bore him a son?
Jane Firkettle: Mmm. My little Johnny.
Witchsmeller: Can you see this son of Satan anywhere in this court?
[The crowd looks about at each other, one of them a man bright red with a pointed black beard and horns; Witchsmeller holds up a white poodle]
Jane Firkettle: Yes, that's him!
Witchsmeller: I GIVE YOU JOHN GRUMBLEDOOK!!! [holds the poodle up high]
[The crowd screams]
Lord Ross: His hair gives him away!
Prince Edmund: Oh, come on, he doesn't look the slightest bit like me.
Witchsmeller: My Lord, we have three proofs of witchcraft: a cat that drinks blood, a horse that talks, and a man who propogates poodles!!! [the crowd murmurs excitedly as the Witchsmeller falls to the floor in his passion] These men must burn! These men must burn!
[Harry turns to the other members of the tribunal, nodding; the crowd, led by the Officer, chants "Burn!"]
Officer: Silence for the Prince of Wales.
Prince Harry: [standing up] The verdict of this court is that the accused are found guilty of witchcraft. [the crowd cheers] The maximum penalty that the law allows is that you be burned to death. [the crowd cheers; Edmund and his company are conspicuously not worried] However, in view of your previous good background, I am disposed to be lenient. [the crowd boos] Therefore, I sentence you to be burned alive. [the crowd cheers] Do you have anything to say?
Percy: [cocky] Well, yes, actually, I'd quite like to say-
Prince Edmund: Shut up, Percy!
Prince Harry: And you, Grumbledook?
Prince Edmund: Yes: NOW!
[Edmund and his company jump; the crowd is agape; Edmund and his company land outside the throne room]
Prince Edmund: Brilliant, Baldrick! How you managed that, I'll never know.
[They're a bit disoriented as to where to go. Baldrick starts down the hall, but Percy points to the door across the anteroom]
Percy: Quick, here!
[They run through the door, into the throne room, but the camera view remains in the anteroom. The King is heard yelling and slashing with his sword. The guards appear in the anteroom just as Baldrick, Percy and Edmund rush out of the throne room. Behind them, the King has his sword drawn]
King Richard IV: You Turkish pigs! [goes back inside the throne room]
Prince Edmund: Percy...
Percy: [meekly] Sorry.
[Outside the castle, the stake is being prepared. A sign reads: "Public execution, by Burning, Friday August 11, Indoors If Wet". Back in the goal cell; Edmund and company are bald, each also wearing a ball-and-chain. Baldrick touched Edmund, with a plan]
Prince Edmund: [rushes to the bars to talk to the guards] Look, erm, you two, you wouldn't perhaps consider, for a pretty hefty reward, perhaps letting us-
Soft: ...Escape...
Prince Edmund: ...by dressing up as washer women...
Soft and Anon: ...washer women...
Prince Edmund: ...and carrying us out in three large wicker laundry baskets?
Soft and Anon: ...three large wicker laundry baskets...
Prince Edmund: No, I suppose not. [goes back into the cell]
Soft: [to Anon] Here comes the wife.
[The guards stand to attention. Anon opens the cell door for Edmund's wife, Princess Leia, and the Queen]
Princess Leia: Hello, Edmund.
Prince Edmund: Hello, dear...
Princess Leia: [giggles] You look funny!
Prince Edmund: Yes-I've had all my hair cut off.
Princess Leia: Oh yes, that's it.
Prince Edmund: Look, there's no news of a reprieve, is there?
Princess Leia: Oh, no, everyone's really looking forward to it. Hello, boys.
Percy and Baldrick: Good morning, Your Majesty...
Princess Leia: I have to go to my room, which isn't fair, but, in fact... [steps forward, leans closer to them]
Prince Edmund, Percy and Baldrick: [excited] Yes?
Princess Leia: I think I might even get a better view from the window!
Prince Edmund: [disappointed] Oh, great...
Princess Leia: Well, I think I better be going. [turns to leave, but the Queen mouths to her, "Don't forget something," so she turns back] Oh yes, your mummy asked me to give you this. [holds out a bag]
Prince Edmund: [excited again, eagerly tries to take out what's inside] Oh great! What is it, a knife? A file? A small bucket of water?
Princess Leia: [giggles] No, silly! It's a dolly.
Prince Edmund: So it is. Yes it is. Great, great. It's just what we needed.
Princess Leia: Goodbye, Edmund. [she and the Queen begin to walk out]
Prince Edmund: Goodbye, dear. [surprised that his mother didn't say her last goodbye] Mother!
Queen Gertrude: Yes? Oh, bye bye, dear. [she and Leia leave]
[Later, outside; the Witchsmeller carries a large cross, chanting "Burn the witch!" to excite the crowd as Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are carried in on wooden racks behind him; the Witchsmeller stands by the waiting kindling, where Harry is standing, while the trio are put against the stake]
Prince Harry: I suppose, really, this must be one of the most difficult parts of the job for you.
Witchsmeller: [disinterested] Yes.
Prince Harry: And for the witch, as well.
Witchsmeller: Of course. [takes the torch out of the kindling as the crowd cheers]
Baldrick: My Lord, I have a cunning plan.
Prince Edmund: Oh, [coughs] off, Baldrick! I think I might be able to stall him.
Witchsmeller: Well, Grumbledook, your time has come. Do you wish to confess?
Prince Edmund: Er, no.
Witchsmeller: Very well. [moves to light the pyre]
Prince Edmund: Wait, yes! Yes, I do!
Witchsmeller: CONFESSION!
[The crowd cheers]
Prince Edmund: I would like to confess in front of God, and this rather small crowd, that I have, on occasion, done things wrong.
Witchsmeller: Be more specific.
Prince Edmund: Well, I have erred and strayed like a lost ox-
Witchsmeller: Sheep!
Prince Edmund: Er, sheep. I have, uh, coveted my father's adultery.
Witchsmeller: Get on with it!
Prince Edmund: I...I have not honored my neighbor's ass.
Witchsmeller: Oh, light the fires!
Prince Edmund: I'm a witch! I'm a witch!
Percy: Me too! Me too!
[The crowd cheers. Later, the fire is blazing; the crowd is chanting "Burn! Burn! Burn!"]
Prince Edmund: Oh, damn, I'm not even comfortable. [drops the doll into the fire; it is of a hooded figure with bright red eyes carrying a large cross]
Witchsmeller: [suddenly dropping the torch] Agh! How fast this heat travels! [shielding himself from the fire with his cloak]
Prince Harry: [isn't looking] Yes, it is a touch warm, isn't it?
[The doll begins to smoke, as does the Witchsmeller]
Witchsmeller: I feel as if I am on fire!
Prince Harry: [still isn't looking] I know, I'm rather regretting my choice of undergarments, as well.
[The Witchsmeller's cross suddenly caught fire]
Witchsmeller: I'm burning! I'm burning! I'm burning!
[The doll catches aflame, as does the Witchsmeller]
Prince Harry: [still isn't even looking] Yes, but I expect you're jolly glad of that cloak in the winter. [Witchsmeller staggers around, on fire; he finally notices the Witchsmeller burning to death] Good lord!
[The Witchsmeller screams as he dies. The flames around Edmund, Percy and Baldrick fade, then their bonds are broken]
Prince Edmund: Well done, Baldrick!
Percy: Yes, that was a close shave. [runs his hand across his shaven head] Thank you, Baldrick.
[Baldrick shrugs, baffled]
[In the castle, the King enters the anteroom feeling fine. The Queen's doing some knitting while Leia watches what's going on outside]
King Richard IV: 'Morning, my love.
Queen Gertrude: Ah, 'morning, dear.
King Richard IV: [chuckles happily] 'Morning, Princess.
Princess Leia: Good morning.
King Richard IV: What's going on out there?
Princess Leia: Well, Uncle Harry was going to burn Edmund alive, when the doll came along-
Queen Gertrude: Darling, shh, shh, shh. [to her husband] Nothing, my dear. It's all sorted out now.
King Richard IV: Oh, good, good. [leaves]
[The Queen turns, winks and twitches her nose at the camera. Sparkles fly out of her eyes. Leia looks on in surprise. The Black Adder logo comes from her mouth as the closing theme begins]
[There's a post credit scene where Edmund, Percy and Baldrick walk through the castle gates, still bald]
Percy: I said he shouldn't have burnt that cat.
[Edmund smacks him on the cheek]

The Black Seal

edit
Narrator: Many are the tales told of the Black Adder, and of his faithful henchmen, Lord Percy Percy and Baldrick, son of Robin the Dung-Gatherer. But none is told so oft, with so much hitting of heads with wonder and repeating of exciting parts as this, the final chapter in the Book of- "[the title "The Black Adder" appears as the opening theme plays]
Narrator: England, 1498. Saint Juniper's Day, the day on which the King would lavish new honors on his kinfolk.
[We dissolve to King Richard, his family, lords and ladies of the court in the throne room]
King Richard IV: Saint Juniper once said "By his loins shall ye know him, and by the length of his rod shall he be measured." The length of my rod is a mystery to all but the queen and a thousand Turkish whores! But the fruits of my loins are here for all to see. I have two sons: Harry, and... another one. Step forward, Harry, Prince of Wales! [Harry takes of his hat, approaches the throne and prostrates himself before the King] Harry, I hereby name thee Captain of the Guard, Grand Warden of the Northern and Eastern Marches, Chief Lunatic of the Duchy of Gloucester, Viceroy of Wales, Sheriff of Nottingham, Marquis of the Midlands, Lord Hoe-Maker in Ordinary, and Harbinger of the Doomed Rat. [Harry rises, rejoins the crowd, and puts his hat back on] Step forward, the other one! [Edmund gives his hat to Baldrick, approaches the throne, and prostrates himself before the King] Now, thy titles have been but few, Duke of Edinburgh and Warden of the Royal Privies.
Prince Edmund: Just so, my lord.
King Richard IV: We thank thee, Egbert, for thy work in Edinburgh. Know now that we do relieve thee of they heavy task and give the Dukedom to Our lord cousin, Hastings. Many happy returns, Tom. Thus have I discharged the duties of Juniper. Chiswick, fresh horses! We ride at once to rebellious Stoke where it is my sworn intent to approach the city walls, bare my broad buttocks and shout "Behold! I honor thee most highly!"
[The King marches out of the throne room, with everyone following him with full of cheers, except Percy, Baldrick, and Edmund, who is still prostrate on the floor]
Percy: Well, it could have been worse, my lord.
Baldrick: Yeah, for a second, I was afraid you'd lose the privies.
Prince Edmund: [suddenly standing up] NO! It, will, not, do!
Percy: Uh, no, my lord, you're right! It won't!
Prince Edmund: I must clear away the chaff from my life and let shine forth the true wheat of greatness!
Percy: Do it at once, my lord!
Prince Edmund: Very well. Percy, you are dismissed from my services.
Percy: [laughs and points at Baldrick, then suddenly stops in realization] Me? Why?
Prince Edmund: Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That is why you are dismissed.
Percy: [meekly] Oh, I see.
Prince Edmund: And as for you, Baldrick...
Baldrick: [hopefully] My lord?
Prince Edmund: You're out too. [takes his hat away from Baldrick as he walks off]
Baldrick: Fair enough.
[Caption: So Edmund spurned his friends and began his quest for glory.]
[We cut to outside the castle where Edmund is on his horse, led by Baldric to the castle gates]
Edmund: So I expect you'll go back to shoveling dung in the gutter where I found you?
Baldrick: Nah, I shouldn't think so.
Edmund: No?
Baldrick: Yeah, it took me years to get that job. I'll probably be milking pigs or mucking out lepers or something.
Prince Edmund: Really?
Baldrick: Yeah, it'll be years before I get back to shoveling dung again.
[Edmund rides away. Baldrick watches while wiping a dew drop from his nose]
[Caption: 100 yards later]
[Edmund nearly runs over an old man]
Prince Edmund: Get out of my way.
Old Man: Going on a journey my lord ?
Prince Edmund: No, I thought I'd stand here all day and talk to you.
Old Man: You'll be needing someone to tend your horse then ?
Prince Edmund: No and even if I did I wouldn't take you. I mean look at you. What is your profession?
Old Man: [removes two handkerchiefs from his tunic and proceeds to dance, waving them about] One, two, three! One, two, three!
Prince Edmund: Oh my God, a retired Morris Dancer, that's all I need. Well if you can keep up you can come.
[Caption: Thus did Edmund set forth into England...]
[Edmund gallops across the countryside]
[Caption: ...with his rather irritating old servant.]
[The Old Man gallops past at about twice the speed of Edmund, on a donkey]
[Caption: And so the Black Adder scoured the land to search out the six other Most Evil Men in the kingdom]
[An English country road through a wood. A lone rider approaches as Edmund and the Old Man sit, waiting, in a clearing. Three black hooded riders ambush the lone rider before he reaches the clearing]
Prince Edmund: [retreating into the woods]: Oh my God, an ambush!
Ambusher 1 [in an Irish accent]: Sir Wilfred Death, your tyranny is now at an end. Prepare to be hung by your codlings from that tree. [points his sword towards the nearby tree]
Sir Wilfred Death: Never!
[Edmund and the Old Man watch from behind some trees, sounds of a conflict ring out for about six seconds. Pan back to the ambush site where Sir Wilfred Death walks away from the tree where the three riders hang, groaning, upside down, strung by their codlings]
Prince Edmund: [approaches] Sir Wilfred Death.
Sir Wilfred Death: Edmund.
[They shake hands]
Prince Edmund: I'm looking for some men to take over the kingdom.
Sir Wilfred Death: How many have you got so far ?
[Edmund holds up one finger. Wilfred replies with the reversed victory sign]
[Three-Fingered Pete]
[Two archers are standing at the edge of the woods]
Three-Fingered Pete: So we are agreed. He who wins takes the horse. [indicates to the nearby steed]
Both: Aye.
Three-Fingered Pete: There is our mark. [indicates an archery target] You shoot first. [the other bowman knocks an arrow and shoots, hitting the target squarely in the center] That's good...so good, in fact...I'm going to have to... [shoots the other archer dead] ...cheat.
Prince Edmund: [shouting] Three-Fingered Pete!
[Edmund and Wilfred approach. In close up, Edmund holds up three fingers aloft]
[Guy de Glastonbury]
[A carriage travels through the countryside, but it's stopped by a lone rider, Guy de Glastonbury]
Guy de Glastonbury: Good evening...and surrender. Your money or your life.
Merchant on the carriage: [sighs] Here take it. [gives Guy a purse] It's all the money I have.
Guy de Glastonbury: Thank you.
Merchant on the carriage: Now let me pass.
Guy de Glastonbury: [aside] Damn. [to the merchant] I'm always doing this. Did I say "Your money or your life"?
Merchant on the carriage: You did.
Guy de Glastonbury: Sorry, slip of the tongue, your money and your life. [shoots the merchant] Sorry. [walks his horse to the front of the carriage, to Ned the driver]: Thanks, Ned. See you Thursday.
[Ned the driver waves bye as Guy trots away to where Edmund, Wilfred and Pete await him]
Sir Wilfred Death: Guy.
Guy De Glastonbury: Wilfred!
Sir Wilfred Death: Now what we need...is a real bastard.
Three-Fingered Pete: Sean, the Irish Bastard.
[A dark street in a town, a merchant walks nervously along it, glancing behind him periodically. A shadowy figure follows him dodging in and out of doorways so as to avoid being seen. The shadowy figure accidentally stabs a house with his dagger. Two blind beggars stand to one side of the street with their begging bowls]
Beggar 1: Pity the blind kind, sir.
[The merchant walks past, ignoring the beggars. The shadowy figure, Sean, the Irish Bastard scabbards his dagger and approaches the beggars stealthily. Carefully, Sean steals the content of the begging bowls and slips back into the shadows]
[Sean, the Irish Bastard]
Beggar 2: 'Ere. Business is quiet this morning.
Beggar 1: Aye, everyone's gone to lunch I think.
[Wilfred, Edmund and their company block Sean's escape up the stairway]
Sir Wilfred Death: Sean.
[A forest clearing. A monk, a farmer and a young girl stand with some horses]
Farmer: Friar, I fear greatly for her chastity.
Friar Bellows: Alas, such is the way of the world. The sweetest rose too often is... [looks longingly at the girl] ...plucked too soon.
[Friar Bellows]
Farmer: Yes...I wondered if you would take her while I'm gone?
Friar Bellows: [taking another longing look at the girl] Yes. The answer is yes. [yet another lustful look, almost sinisterly] I shall...
[Behind some bushes, the Friar and girl are lying with her dress around her waist, and the friar between her legs. The five watch with some amusement]
Sir Wilfred Death: Friar Bellows? [Sean, the Irish Bastard removes a cork from a bottle] Doing the Lord's work?
Friar Bellows: I was just ministering extreme unction.
[The rest laugh]
Prince Edmund: Who shall be our seventh? Wilfred?
Sir Wilfred Death: Why, need I say more? Jack
[The other five look worried]
Guy de Glastonbury: Not mad bully-boy Jack, the grave robbing assassin of Aldwych?
Sir Wilfred Death: No.
Three-Fingered Pete: Then crazed animal Jack, the cattle rustling canibal from Sutton-Coalfield?
Sir Wilfred Death: Ha ha...no.
Sean, the Irish Bastard: Then yer man's sane Jack O'Hooligan, the man-hating goat-murderer of Dingle Bay.
Sir Wilfred Death: No.
Friar Bellows: Surely not Canon Jack Smollett senior archdeacon, the entrail-eating heretic of Bath and Wells?
Sir Wilfred Death: No. I'm talking of unspeakably violent Jack, the bull-buggering beast-killer of no-fixed-abode.
[All look even more worried]
Prince Edmund: Are you sure he's the sort of chap we're looking for?
Sir Wilfred Death: Yes, [points down the hill] and here he comes.
[A giant walks up the hill towards them]
[Jack Large]
Prince Edmund: Are you sure he's the kind of chap we're looking for?
Sir Wilfred Death: Yes.
[A dwarf appears from behind the giant, hitting at his legs. The giant weathers this for a short while before picking the little fellow up to the eye-level]
Giant: What do you think you're doing?!
Sir Wilfred Death: [shouting from the hill] Are you with us, Jack?
Jack Large: [shouting back to Wilfred] Aye! [head butts the giant, knocking him cold and both fall to the ground before he climbs up the hill to join Edmund and his men]
[Edmund holds up seven fingers, and giggles]
[The Old Man sits with seven horses and his donkey outside the pub]
Jack Large: [from inside the pub] ...so I kissed her on the left buttock.
[Drunken laughter issues from the pub. Inside, the seven are seated around a table covered with empty goblets and spilled wine and food]
Prince Edmund: [to Jack] So, tell me Jack what is your second name?
Jack Large: Large, Jack Large.
Prince Edmund: [amused] Ha. Then in our band you shall be known as "Large Jack".
Jack Large: [spits out his mouthful of beer and looks at Edmund] Why?
Prince Edmund: [nervously] Well...because you are so little.
Jack Large: Why not "Little Jack" then?
Prince Edmund: Well, because "Large Jack" is more amusing.
The Black Seal: Is it?
Prince Edmund: Very well then, "Little Jack".
[All rise their weapons and pointed at Edmund in a threatening manner]
Jack Large: You wish to mock my size?
Prince Edmund: No, no, no, no, no, no, of course not....erm...Innkeeper, some more beer! Six large beers... [the Black Seal cheers; looks at Jack, who is staring at him] ...and another large beer. [all cheer] Let us then go on to the plan.
The Black Seal: The plan, the plan......
Friar Bellows: But first a motto for our enterprise. "Blessed are the meek, [they mutter angrily] for they shall be slaughtered!"
[The Black Seal cheer as they rise, weapons drawn and make for the door]
Prince Edmund: Wait, you've forgotten the plan!
Three-Fingered Pete: I thought that was the plan.
Sean, the Irish Bastard: Let's get those meek bastards now!
[All cheer]
Prince Edmund: [shouts] QUIET!
Sir Wilfred Death: Who wants quiet? I want chaos!!!
[They all cheer again]
Jack Large: And slaughter!!!
[More cheers]
Three-Fingered Pete: And flowers!!!!
The Black Seal: Yeah...huh?
Three-Fingered Pete: Mercilessly crushed under-foot.
[Cheers]
Friar Bellows: Silence.
The Black Seal: [returning to their seats]: Silence, ssshhh, silence.....
Guy de Glastonbury: Silence, for the word of the Lord.
Friar Bellows: For Christ's sake lets hear the plan.
The Black Seal: The plan, the plan....
Prince Edmund: Very well, the plan is simple.
Sir Wilfred Death: [still carried away with the camaraderie] I thought it was cunning.
The Black Seal: Down with the plan.
Prince Edmund: Well...it's cunning in its simplicity. Tonight, I ride for home...
Sir Wilfred Death: I say strike now while the iron is hot.
Prince Edmund: But it isn't hot.
Sir Wilfred Death: Isn't it?
Prince Edmund: No it's just warming up, but, when it is hot, we will strike.
Sean, the Irish Bastard: What? Are we going to have to wait till summer?
Prince Edmund: No, no, when the iron is hot.
Three-Fingered Pete: What iron?
Prince Edmund: Never mind, we are all agreed. I shall send for you all.
Friar Bellows: How?
Prince Edmund: Well...by a message, a sign.
Guy de Glastonbury: What sort of sign?
Prince Edmund: Well, something black probably.
Jack Large: Black pudding?
Prince Edmund: Not quite.
Three-Fingered Pete: A messenger...with the Black Death perhaps?
Prince Edmund: Yes, that's better.
Friar Bellows: He means to kill us!
[All rise to attack Edmund again]
Prince Edmund: No, no, I mean a messenger with black....hair.
Sir Wilfred Death: Ahhhh, a black-headed messenger.
The Black Seal: Aye.
Prince Edmund: And when he comes to you, drop whatever you are doing and speed with all haste to Jasper's tavern.
Sean, the Irish Bastard: Ah, I know it well. How is old Jasper these days?
Three-Fingered Pete: Dead.
Jack Large: How?
Friar Bellows: I killed him.
[They cheer again]
Prince Edmund: From there I shall take you to the castle where we shall capture the King, and the Queen and the Prince. [more cheers] and then I will say to them [rise] "The kingdom of Albion is ours, you are doomed to lives of exile. Get out!"
Three-Fingered Pete: Exile?
Prince Edmund: [proudly] Yeeesss, exile. For life.
Guy de Glastonbury: Why don't we just...kill them?
Prince Edmund: [upset] Well, I suppose we could kill them.
The Black Seal: [rise] Kill them! [heads for the door]
Prince Edmund: Wait till I send the sign.
Sean, the Irish Bastard: If I get a messenger with black-heads all over him, I'll kill the ugly bastard.
Sir Wilfred Death: [with his dagger to Edmund's throat] How do we know it isn't a trap?
Prince Edmund: Because the Black Adder gives you his word.
Sir Wilfred Death: We want your word, not this Black Adder fellows.
Prince Edmund: [hurt] But I am the Black Adder.
Sir Wilfred Death: [realizing] Oh, I see.
Prince Edmund: And when all is done, the Black Seal shall rule England! [they cheer as he climbed onto the table] We few, we happy few, we band of ruthless bastards! [more cheers] All for one...
The Black Seal: And each man for himself! [they all leave the pub with cheers]
[A woodland clearing at night, Edmund and the Old Man sit around a camp fire near their steeds. Both are laughing]
Old Man: You're in a merry mood, my lord.
Prince Edmund: Yes. No one can stop me now.
Old Man: No one?
Prince Edmund: No no-one...except perhaps...no not even him.
Old Man: And who might that be my lord?
Prince Edmund: Well, there was a man, Philip of Bergundy, known to his enemies as, "The Hawk". We were deadly childhood rivals, although, of course, in those days he was known as "The Thrush", but no one's heard of him for years. Well, come on, let's go. We've got work to do. [is about to leave]
Old Man: [in his booming voice] Not so fast, Edinburgh. This "Hawk" did he look something like this? [transforms himself into a much larger man]
Prince Edmund: Erm...no, not really. [Philip of Bergundy removes his false eye-brows] Oh my God, Philip of Bergundy!
Philip of Bergundy: Known to my enemies as... [dons a peaked cap with a feather in it] ..."The Hawk".
Prince Edmund: ...But your horse used to be a huge brown... [Philip's huge Brown horse appears next to him] Oh yes, that's the one. Well it's been very good to see you...erm...Phil.
[Edmund makes to leave, but Phillip steps on the toes of one of his shoes]
Philip of Bergundy: This time, not fast enough.
Prince Edmund: What do you want with me?
Philip of Bergundy: I'll tell you later. [hits Edmund on the head with a hammer, with maniacal laughter]
[We cut to the dungeon where Phillip forces Edmund into the cell]
Philip of Bergundy: I return at last after fifteen years.
Prince Edmund: And what have you been up to?
Philip of Bergundy: Waiting, plotting, nurturing my hatred and planning my revenge.
Prince Edmund: Ah, so you've kept yourself busy.
Philip of Bergundy: Yes, fifteen years in France teaches a man to hate! Fifteen years of eating frogs! Fifteen years of wearing perfume! Fifteen years of saying pardon! And all because of you!
Prince Edmund: But surely the scenery.
Philip of Bergundy: I never went outside. I couldn't stand the smell.
Prince Edmund: What has all this got to do with me?
Philip of Bergundy: Because, Edmund, its going to take you fifteen years...to die!
Prince Edmund: Fifteen years?
Philip of Bergundy: Yes.
Prince Edmund: How?
Philip of Bergundy: I think it would be more amusing if you found out for yourself. Let us just say that it has something to do with snails. [opens the panel in the wall to reveal several snails, and then starts to leave the cell]
Prince Edmund: Oh my God, where are you going?
Philip of Bergundy: Why to kill the royal family and claim the throne that isn't mine by right. [exits the dungeon, and rides his horse to the castle]
Prince Edmund: [still in the cell, praying] Dear Lord, who made all the birds and the bees, and the snails, presumably, please help me, a little animal in my despair. I have been a sinner but from now on I intend to follow the path of the Saints, particularly the very religious ones. In the name of the Father, the Son and of the Holy Ghost, Amen.
Mad Gerald: [from aside] Amen.
Prince Edmund: [seeing a scruffy old prisoner] What?
Mad Gerald: Amen, I said. I'm sorry, did I get it wrong? [approaches Edmund] I haven't heard that word in twenty years you see.
Prince Edmund: Who are you? I didn't realize I had company.
Mad Gerald: Oh "company", I haven't heard that word for twenty years either, or "realize", I'd completely forgotten. "Realize".
Prince Edmund: Oh no, you're not mad are you?
Mad Gerald: Yes, I'm very mad thank you. Maaad. That's a word I know. I say that every day. I say, "Good morning Mad Gerald, how are you today?", and then I say, "I'm completely mad today thank you", and then I say, "Oh so there's not much change there then is there Gerald?", and I say, "No, well you'd be mad to expect any wouldn't you?", then I say, "But I am mad. I'm Mad Gerald...".
Prince Edmund: [cutting in] Quiet. Shh.
Mad Gerald: Ssshhh.
Prince Edmund: Look, this may seem a stupid question...
Mad Gerald: Question, yes.
Prince Edmund: ...but you wouldn't know if there's a way out of here, would you?
Mad Gerald: A way out? [begins to laugh really loud]
[12 Months Later]
[Edmund is sitting next to a skeleton, and Mad Gerald is still laughing, and sits next to Edmund as he finally stops laughing]
Mad Gerald: "A way out" you say? [Edmund nods] I haven't heard those words "A way out" for...ooh.
Prince Edmund: [in a tired voice] Twenty years ?
Mad Gerald: Yes twenty years. Not like "Mr. Rat". I'm always saying "Mr. Rat".
Prince Edmund: [absently] Who ?
Mad Gerald: Mr. Rat. I say "Good morning Mr. Rat, how are you today?" and he'll say [pressing his nose] "meep meep meep". [looks around for something to occupy him, and he laughs some more]
[Time passes, and Edmund and Mad Gerald are sitting on the floor of the cell]
Mad Gerald: No, you mustn't be rude about Mr. Rat, he's my friend. Well, there's him [points to rat] and there's Mr. Key.
Prince Edmund: [perks up] What?
Mad Gerald: Mr. Key, [produces a key from his tunic] I made him from my own teeth. Good morning Mr. Key. [Edmund grabs the key from Mad Gerald and runs to the door, and out of the dungeon] Well, close the bloody door!
[Edmund stops the moving cart driving along the road outside]
Prince Edmund: Stop, stop, where are you going?
Cart Driver: I'll tell you where, wherever I can sell these six black carrier pigeons I've got in the back, that's where.
Prince Edmund: Six black homing pigeons?
Cart Driver: Well, mostly.
Prince Edmund: How much are they?
Cart Driver: Six shillings.
Prince Edmund: [checking his pockets] Oh, damn.
Cart Driver: But, I suppose, if you beat me and gagged me and tied me to that tree you could have 'em for less.
Prince Edmund: [smiles brightly] Right.
[Edmund leaves the cart driver tied to the tree, gagged, and steals the cart. Edmund rides back to the castle where he releases the pigeons along with his accessories to find the Black Seal members.]
[Inside the castle, Philip enters the empty hallway]
Philip of Bergundy: By the striking of ten bells, I shall claim the throne. [but then, one by one, the six other Black Seal members appear, blocking any chances of his escape. There's a banging noise from one of the corridor doors] Gentlemen, to whom do I owe this pleasure?
Prince Edmund: [finally bursts in unceremoniously, out of the closet, nearly tripping in the process] To me, Bergundy!
Philip of Bergundy: Edmund, I hadn't expected to see you again.
Prince Edmund: No. Dead men don't make social calls do they? Prepare to die.
[The Black Seal cheer, and are prepare to kill Philip]
Philip of Bergundy: Wait! Let me say just one thing.
Prince Edmund: [sitting down] Which is...?
Philip of Bergundy: If these men are what they seem to be, the six most evil men in the land...
Prince Edmund: Yes, they are. Your last sentence please.
Philip of Bergundy: Then they've made a pretty damned peculiar choice for their leader, haven't they, my lord Warden of the Privies.
Prince Edmund: [laughs] What?! You think they should have chosen you, Thrush?
The Black Seal: [laughs] Ha!
Prince Edmund: A man twisted by unbridled ambition?
The Black Seal: [confused] Huh?
Prince Edmund: A man haunted by insatiable greed?
The Black Seal: Really?
Prince Edmund: The most evil man in the world, you think they should have chosen you?
Philip of Bergundy and the Black Seal: Yes!
[They change positions, and Edmund is now encircled by the Black Seal]
Prince Edmund: [shocked] But he's a mindless killer!
The Black Seal: Hooray!
Prince Edmund: He'll destroy the kingdom!
The Black Seal: Hooray!
Prince Edmund: He murdered his own family.
Three-Fingered Pete: Well, who didn't? I certainly killed mine.
Sir Wilfred Death: And I killed mine.
Friar Bellows: [to Sean, the Irish Bastard] And I killed yours.
Sean, the Irish Bastard: Did you?
Friar Bellows: Yes.
Sean, the Irish Bastard: Good on you, father.
Philip of Bergundy: Are you with me then?
The Black Seal: Yes!
Philip of Bergundy: [to Edmund] Prepare to die. [they are ready to kill Edmund] Wait! I have a more amusing method.
Prince Edmund: Amusing for whom, I wonder.
Philip of Bergundy: Gentlemen. [uncovers a torture chair, the Black Seal applauds appreciatively]
[Edmund is placed in the torture chair]
Philip of Bergundy: In precisely one minute, the spike will go up your nethers. The shears will cut off your ears.
Prince Edmund: Both of them?
Philip of Bergundy: Yes. Then these axes will chop off your hands. And I don't think we need go further into the attributes of...the codling grinder! These feathers will tickle you under what's left of your arms. That is the amusing part. Gentlemen, let us go and slaughter the Royal Family! God Save the King!
The Black Seal: 'Cause nobody else will!
[They leave Edmund alone in the torture chair. Outside the room, they find two serving maids. The maids have trays with goblets of wine on them]
Philip of Bergundy: Stop! First let us relieve these wenches of their delightful burden and drink a toast to our enterprise. [he and the Black Seal take the goblets] May good thrive...
The Black Seal: Over our dead bodies.
[They each drink a goblet then walk off. About five yards down the corridor, they all grab their heads, fall over, lie still for a few seconds before their legs jerk, and they lie still again. But Sean the Irish Bastard gets up and walks back to the maids]
Sean, the Irish Bastard: It's got a bit of a sting in its tail. [takes the last goblet, drinks it again, walks off, grabs his head, falls over, lie still, twitches and finally died]
[The serving maids remove their hoods to reveal that they are Percy and Baldrick in disguise. They leap into the air, cheering]
Baldrick and Percy: Hooray! Hooray!
[In the distance, they hear Edmund screaming and moaning in agony.]
[Edmund's body laid in state in the middle of the throne room, surrounded by the whole court, except for Percy and Baldrick.]
Queen Gertrude: [sobbing] Oh, Edmund. Edmund.
Prince Harry: [mournfully] Edmund...
King Richard IV: [shouts] EDMUND!!! [Edmund's eyes jerk open] He lives!
[The court cheers. We cut to Percy and Baldrick, who were back in their own clothes in Edmund's bedroom. They hear everyone cheering from the throne room. We cut back to the throne room]
Prince Edmund: [speaks barely above a whisper] Father, you called me Edmund...
King Richard IV: Oh, sorry, Edgar. [shakes Edmund's shoulder] How are you?
Prince Edmund: Not so well. Harry, what do you think my chances are?
Prince Harry: Oh, good. Good.
Queen Gertrude: He will live?
Prince Harry: What? Oh, no. Sorry. Sorry, I thought you meant your chances of going to Heaven.
Prince Edmund: Damn...
King Richard IV: Never fear, my son. Your body may be mutilated beyond recognition, but your spirit will live forever! My lords...
[We cut back to Baldrick and Percy in Edmund's room. Baldrick stands up abruptly]
Baldrick: [shocked] What did you say?
[Cut back to the throne room, as King Richard raises a wine goblet for a toast]
King Richard IV: I give you Edgar!
[Cut to Baldrick and Percy running down a corridor]
Baldrick: I told you to poison the Black Seal's goblets, not poison the whole vat!
[Cut back to the throne room, Edmund whispers into his father's ear]
King Richard IV: The Black Dagger!
Queen Gertrude, Prince Harry, & the whole court: The Black Dagger!
Prince Edmund: Adder...
[King Richard IV, Queen Gertrude, Harry and the rest of the court drink from their goblets]
King Richard IV: May his name last as long as our dynasty!
[Then they collectively gasp, grab the side of their heads, and keel over dead]
Prince Edmund: Good lord. [cut back to Percy and Baldrick running] I wonder if it was the wine. [Percy and Baldrick kept running; he picks up the nearby goblet and take a polite sip] No, seems perfectly alright to me. And now, at last, I shall be King of E- [stops in mid sentence, grabs the side of his head with his stumps, then slumps down dead]
[The closing theme plays mournfully]
[After the closing theme, there is a final post credit scene where Percy and Baldrick runs up to the throne room]
Baldrick and Percy: Don't drink the wine!
Retrieved from "https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Black_Adder_(series_1)&oldid=3621937"