That '70s Show (season 5)

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That '70s Show (1998–2006) is an American television sitcom centered on the lives of a group of teenagers living in the fictional town of Point Place, Wisconsin during the late 1970s.

Going to California [5.1]

[Kitty catches Hyde and Jackie kissing.]

Kitty: Oh, good God. You kids switch partners more than square dancers!

Hyde: No, it's not what you think. We're not together.

Kitty: Then what's going on in my kitchen?

Jackie: Eric's in California! [Kitty leaves the kitchen.]

Hyde: Jackie, you just totally burned Forman. That is so badass. [They go back to kissing]

Hyde: I read by 1984, the government will have tracking devices on all of us. And after that, they're gonna jam electrodes in our brains so they can read our memories. Damn U.S. government.

Red: "Damn U.S. government?" Without our government, you'd be stuck in Siberia now sucking the juice from a rotten Commie potato! Let me tell you something. If the U.S. government decides to stick a tracking device up your ass, you say, "Thank you, and God bless America!"

[After Eric brings up Luke Skywalker to a conversation about getting Donna in California]

Red: Oh, would you stop! Luke Skywalker this, Luke Skywalker that, I'm sick and tired of hearing about that little fruit!

Eric: Luke Skywalker is NOT!!!...He and Leia clearly-I... [calms down] Mom, Dad. This is important.

Red: No. No California. You know what's important?: School. You're gonna be a senior, and you need to buckle down.

Kitty: Luke Skywalker would have buckled down.

I Can't Quit You Babe (a.k.a. Jackie and Hyde Get Busted) [5.2]

[During a circle, where the issue of Eric trying to convince Bob out of enrolling Donna in a Catholic school is discussed]

Eric: It's true. I'm gonna march over there and talk to Bob... I love a good march. My birthday's in March, then it's on to April. April Showers. Oh, The Seduction Of Eric Forman, starring the insatiable April Showers! [laughs]

Eric: God, I love you.

Donna: I love you more. [she and Eric start making out]

Fez: Sexy.

Kelso: Hey! You two quit it, okay! This circle is sacred. You don't do anything in here that you wouldn't do in a church. No, wait...in a cemetery! No, wait...in the teacher's lounge! Man, I've done it everywhere.

[Eric and Donna walk in on Jackie and Hyde kissing.]

Donna: What the hell?!

Jackie: Oh, my God!

Eric: I'm blind!

Jackie: Get off me! [pushes Hyde away]

Hyde: [to Donna] Great outfit.

Jackie: So, yeah. What exactly did you guys see?

Eric: You, him, hands, tongues. It was horrible!

Donna: You were like Siamese twins joined at the beard.

What Is and What Should Never Be (1) (a.k.a. Kitty's Pregnant) [5.3]

[Eric confronts Red in the garage over being shallow about Kitty's revelation of being pregnant]

Eric: Hey, I was just inside with Mom and she's really upset. I just want to know...what's your problem?

Red: [turns to Eric] You made me bald.

Eric: What?

Red: Five generations...not one bald head in my family. Then you came along, and - Well, look at it! [shows off baldness] Children make me bald. [goes back to car]

Eric: You know what, wear a hat. [Red turns around] 'Cause Mom is really scared, and she could really use a little damn support right now. And I don't usually tell you what to do 'cause you usually do the right thing, but this time, you didn't. You know how you're always telling me to be a man? Well, be a man! [walks back to house, but faces Red again] I made you bald? You made me skinny!

[Having seen Hyde kiss Jackie at the garage, Eric and Donna try to make Kelso not see it]

Kelso: No, but I want a peanut butter and banana-[sees Hyde and Jackie; laughs] Why is Hyde kissing Jackie? [sees Eric and Donna's stares] What the hell? He's dead! [tries to walk out of kitchen]

Heartbreaker (2) (a.k.a. Kitty's Parents Come to Visit) [5.4]

[Kelso is angry at Eric and Donna for not telling him about Hyde and Jackie]

Kelso: I can't believe that you knew that Jackie and Hyde were together and you didn't tell me.

Eric: We...barely knew.

Donna: Yeah, we knew, but we were in denial because it's so unnatural.

Eric: Like radioactive spiders.

Kelso: Well, that's true. It's just, how could Hyde do this to me?

[Kitty and Fez walk down the stairs.]

Kitty: Uh-oh, sounds like he knows.

Fez: Finally.

Kelso: What, your mom knew?! And Fez?! Fez never knows anything!

Fez: I know, I'm really coming into my own!

[Kitty talks to her mother about entering menopause]

Kitty: Did it hit you this hard too?

Bea Sigurdson: Did what, dear?

Kitty: Menopause.

Bea: Ohhh...I never had it.

Kitty: Mom, everybody has it.

Bea: Well, I've always been quite health-conscious. I told you to eat more vegetables!

Kitty: You cannot expect me to believe that you never went through menopause.

Bea: Well, I didn't.

Kitty: Yes, you did!

Bea: Well, it doesn't matter because it's not nice to talk about.

Kitty: Not everything that needs to be talked about has to be nice. Mom, why wouldn't you ever really talk to me?

Bea: I told you I liked your cookies! I'm gonna find your father. [leaves kitchen] BURT!

Ramble On (a.k.a. Promise Ring Redux) [5.5]

[Eric and Donna talk about bad taste at the Forman living room]

Donna: Well, I think this whole room is a great example of bad taste. [Kitty and Red just walked in]

Kitty: Excuse me?

Donna: Uh, Mrs Forman-

Kitty: I have spent years picking every item in this room so that I would be surrounded by the things that I love and the people I thought loved me.

Red: Hey, Kitty, how about a nap?

Kitty: [snaps at Red] And you, [picks up TV remote control] have you fixed the damn clicker yet? What good is a clicker if it won't click?!? [stomps on the remote] NOTHING LOVES ME!!! Oh, my God! I... I am just flying right off the handle!

Over the Hills and Far Away [5.6]

Kitty: Boys, um, um, I realize that, uh, I may have been a little irrational today.

Kelso: A little?

Kitty: SHUT UP! So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, uh, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like "epithelial lining" and "uterine wall."

Fez: I'm hooked.

Kitty: You know who had a real family? The Waltons. We're just three strangers sitting in a room! [Runs out of room crying]

Eric: Donna loves it there. I don't know what to do.

Red: There's nothing any of us can do. We're all screwed. You think I like being stuck here...nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink? Hell, no. But we can't control what happens to us. Even if, by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna...eventually, she's gonna turn into that [Kitty]. And then, a few years later, you'll die.

Eric: Good. Thanks for the bedtime story.

Hot Dog (a.k.a. The Gifts) [5.7]

Red: Kitty, I know these past few weeks have been hard on you, hard on all of us really. [Kitty glares at him] But especially hard on you. I mean since you found out you were . . .

Kitty: Just say it Red, barren!

Red: Well there's no reason for both of us to say it. So I got something to cheer my girl up.

Kitty: Oh good, cause I finished off the last bottle this morning.

Red: No, no. I got you a puppy. [holds up a Dachshund] He needs somebody to take care of him. His mother got run over by a car.

Kitty: Did you run over a dog, Red?!

[Eric just bought a gift for Donna]

Hyde: So, Forman, you finally broke down, huh? What'd you get her? Earrings? A little bracelet?

Eric: No, I got her way more than a piece of jewelry. I got her a gift that really says something - a diamond engagement ring.

Kelso: As a joke?

Eric: No, you guys, I'm gonna ask Donna to marry me.

Kelso: As a joke?

Eric: Man, everyone's down on me and Donna getting engaged. You guys, my parents...even the magic 8 ball said, "outlook not so good." I just...look, I really think Donna would love an engagement ring.

Hyde: Oh, she'll love the ring. It's the thought behind it that'll send her running for the hills. Or, maybe she'll see how smart it is to get married when you're still in high school and have no money or future.

Kelso: I know I ran when Jackie wanted to marry me. Except I ran for California instead of the hills. I mean the beach kicks the hills' ass! There's way more bikinis and they usually have a snack bar!

Eric: Maybe you guys are right. What if she thinks I'm moving too fast? Man, giving her this ring is a huge gamble. Am I man enough to make that bet? No! No! The answer is no!

Hyde: You see, Forman? You try to do a nice, thoughtful thing and you screw it yourself. It's all about expectations, man. Like I've taught Jackie to think I'm rude and inconsiderate. I can't disappoint her because I'm always disappointing her!

Eric: And if I don't give Donna the ring, what'll I do at the water tower? Oh God! [puts on the Stupid Helmet] I do deserve this!

Thank You [5.8]

Kitty: Eric, honey, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer? Oh, wait. It's a 20-pounder. Donna, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer?

Eric: [To Schatzi] Hey Schatzi, stay away from my witch sister. Her and her witch friends have been known to sacrifice small animals. Oh, and possibly that one asthmatic neighbor boy.

Kitty: Eric, little Wally moved away.

Eric: A six-year-old moved away? His parents still live in that house!

Eric: Fez, I know you've only spoken English for a couple weeks now. But, could you have learned the words, "Don't tell my dad?" "Don't", a contraction meaning, "do not," and "tell my dad", meaning "SHUT UP?"

Fez: Okay, right there! You just told me not to shut up. It's a wonder you're not failing English, too. Crack a book, you lazy son of a bitch!

Black Dog (a.k.a. Ow, My Eye) [5.9]

[Kitty just told Red and Eric about Jackie's father being arrested for bribery]

Red: Well, I’m glad. That guy makes Republicans look like a bunch of crooks and greedy businessmen.

Eric: [sarcastically] Thank God for the honest ones like Richard Nixon, huh?

Red: What did you say?

Eric: Nixon was framed and Kennedy was a commie!

Red: That's right.

[Kelso's playing with his BB gun]

Eric: Watch the gun, Cool Hand Luke.

Kelso: [stands up] Relax. Guns don’t just go off by accident.

Donna: Oh really? What about Eric’s fourth-grade hamster, Snowball?

Eric: What? No, Snowball didn’t get shot. He went upstate to live with a nice farm family. [catches on] You shot Snowball?!!

Kelso: The gun went off by accident!

The Crunge (a.k.a. The S.A.T.s) [5.10]

Eric: Ground me.

Red: What?

Eric: I am not strong enough. If I'm gonna shake this Donna thing, I am gonna need some serious discipline. Please ground me.

Red: You got it, pal. You're grounded!

Eric: One more thing. Donna's in the kitchen; I need you to get rid of her for me.

Red: Do I have to be nice about it?

Eric: No.

Red: This is the happiest day of my life!

[Eric and Donna are at the Hub talking about Eric's low S.A.T. score.]

Eric: Hey Donna! I got an 800. We're lucky I can wash myself.

The Girl I Love [5.11]

[Red dreams of winning the canoe competition at the Battle of the Network Stars]

Kelso: [as announcer] And the canoeing champion for this year's Battle of the Network Stars is...Red Forman!

Jamie Farr: My team! [presents trophy to Red]

Red Forman: Thanks, Jamie Farr, and I'd like to give a special thanks to Ed Asner. Ed, thanks for paddling your canoe like a girl. Where's your spunk now, you big pansy? [laughs holding trophy high]

Misty Mountain Hop (a.k.a. Jackie's Cabin) [5.12]

[Kitty gives Red Belgian waffles for breakfast]

Kitty: Here you go Red, Belgian waffles.

Eric: What's so Belgian about them?

Red: They crumbled at the hands of the Nazis.

Red: Is that what I think it is?

Kelso: If you mean paprika, yes, sir!

Kitty: Honey... Honey, paprika is red.

Kelso: If you mean green paprika, yes, sir!

Red: [angrily] Green paprika?

Kelso: Hyde, what am I looking for here?

Hyde: Oregano!

Kelso: If you mean oregano, yes, sir!

[Kitty, Red and the gang catches Eric and Donna having sex on the kitchen table]

Kitty: OH MY GOD!

Donna: Oh my God!

Hyde: Alright! It's Donna's butt!

Red: DAMN IT!! That's where I eat dinner!

Your Time Is Gonna Come (a.k.a. Get Off My Boyfriend) [5.13]

[Annette's behavior when she is with Kelso is strangely familiar to Eric and Donna]

Eric: Did you hear that? The shrill voice, the bossy tone, the random hatred of all things that bounce. Oh my God, she’s Jackie.

Donna: A new Jackie.

Eric: A blonde Jackie.

Eric and Donna: Blackie!!! [a dramatic chord plays]

Fez: We’re doomed!

[at the hospital, Red sees a sad Kitty]

Red: Kitty, how’s Burt?

Kitty: I don’t know how to say this. Daddy’s gone to a better place.

Kelso: Good, 'cause this hospital sucks! [Red, Kitty, and the gang look at him] What? [comes to conclusion] Ohhh! [whispers to Hyde] This hospital sucks.

Babe I'm Gonna Leave You (a.k.a. Valentine's Day) [5.14]

Bea: So what were you saying dear?

Eric: [sitting next to Donna] Well I was just saying that, I'm getting married!

Bea: Oh honey! How wonderful! So who's the lucky girl?

Eric: [nods to his right] Umm, Donna.

Bea: Well I guess this is a small town. [she exits]

Donna: What the hell did that mean?

Eric: That my friend is the seldom heard but much feared grandma burn. Your only warning is the jingle of costume jewelry and the overpowering scent of Ben-gay.

Jackie: You know what? Maybe I do have feelings for Michael. But what am I supposed to do, he was my first boyfriend! And you know what, you're going to have to learn to deal with it, and if you can't, and you're going to have to break up with me because of that, then I can't stop you. But I think it's a real waste because I love you!

Hyde: ...I'm not saying it back!

When the Levee Breaks (a.k.a. Eric and Donna Play House) [5.15]

Jackie: See, I think it’s stupid that Eric and Donna need to practice being married. I mean, it’s simple. The woman just needs to be a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, and an acrobat in the bedroom. And I can hire a cook and a maid.

Hyde: I'm liking you more and more.

Eric: Kelso, I need to use your bathroom.

Kelso: Nope, there's nobody here. Of course, I can't see people who don't have parties for their friends and maybe there is somebody here and I just can't see him. I CAN'T SEE YOU, ERIC.

Eric: I really need to use the bathroom.

Fez: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you kicked us out of Donna's house, you party-pooper.

Kelso: Yeah.

Fez: No party, no pooper.

Kelso: [chuckles] Nice.

Fez: Yeah, it really was. No party, no pooper. [Kelso and Fez slam the door shut.]

Whole Lotta Love (a.k.a. The Silent Treatment) [5.16]

[The gang is watching Red scream through the screen door. Kelso has just walked in]

Kelso: Sorry I'm late but I was cutting through backyards and the Hendersons got a new jungle gym. Woah, he's still yelling?

Eric: Yeah, I'm trying to read Red's lips but I can't make it out. He keeps calling me a stupid duck. [Jackie looks at Hyde in disbelief. Eric finally gets it and snaps his fingers] Ahhh.

Kelso: Hey I'll go spy on them. I just need to run home and change into my ninja outfit.

Eric: I don't think this situation calls for camouflage, Kelso.

Kelso: Well doesn't mean it's not fun to wear, Eric.

[Fez reports to the gang about sleeping with Nina]

Jackie: No way, Fez I can’t believe you finally lost your virginity.

Eric: Wait, this isn’t like the time you bought a hamster, named it Virginity and then lost it, is it?

Fez: No, this is the real thing.

Kelso: I had a hamster once. Tied him to a helium balloon with a note. He made it all the way to Minnesota.

Eric: Alive?

Kelso: No, I’m gonna send a dead hamster up in a balloon.

The Battle of Evermore (a.k.a. Pioneer Days) [5.17]

Red: So, I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high school dumbass, with no car, no job and no money trims the hedges.

Hyde: That was, like, eight burns in one sentence.

Donna: An octoburn... Let's get the hell out of here. [Everyone leaves but Eric and Red.]

[Hyde, Kelso, Fez, and Jackie go into a Circle and talk about Leo, who left Hyde]

Hyde: [laughs] Can’t close my mouth. Can you close your mouth? Really startin’ to freak me out. Leo’s the best.

Kelso: Leo made me a grilled cheese once. He used butter and it made the crust extra toasty. He forgot cheese. I miss that grilled cheese-makin’ son of a bitch!

Jackie: You know one time, I heard Leo talking on the phone and he was speaking Chinese. So I said, 'Leo, stop speaking Chinese.' So he turned around...and it wasn’t Leo. It was a Chinese guy. Hmm. You know, I’ll never forget that.

Fez: I’m just sad I’ll never get to see his face when I tell him I did it with Nina. Actually, I’d like to see my face when I do it with Nina. I’ll bet I look like a stallion.

Hyde: So today we sit in this circle in honor of Leo. He was my boss. He was my friend. He was my connection. To Leo!

All: To Leo! [raise beer cans to ceiling]

Hey, Hey What Can I Do? (a.k.a. Job Fair) [5.18]

[Kelso just hit a police car]

Fez: I cannot believe you hit a police car.

Kelso: Nah, don’t worry. It’s a hot lady cop. Yah, just watch the master.

Officer Debbie: License and registration.

Kelso: Yeah, just give me a sec here. My wallet gets stuck ‘cause I’ve been workin’ out. My leg muscles are huge. Oh boy. By the way, I can bench about 220 so that’d be about - two of you little lady.

Officer Debbie: What’s your name?

Fez: Oh my name is Fez, but I have a girlfriend so you need to cool it little girl.

Officer Debbie: Yeah, I’ll try. Okay Mr. Kelso, I’m gonna issue you a citation. [gives Kelso a ticket]

Kelso: Wooh, a citation for bein’ too foxy in a school zone.

Officer Debbie: No. A citation for 64 dollars. Bench press that.

Roy: I work here; hotel kitchen manager. I was gonna put out word that we’re lookin’ for a cook, but then I figured why bother. They’ll just leave me like everybody else.

Jackie: So Roy, seem a little depressed there.

Roy: Yeah, I’m teeterin’ on the brink.

Hyde: Maybe I can do somethin’ to cheer you up.

Roy: Really? Oh, that’d be great.

[Later at the Circle]

Roy: So I’m on the Golden Gate Bridge and everyone’s tellin’ me to jump. I was just out for a jog.

Hyde: Okay Roy, here’s what I’m gonna do for you. I’m gonna take that job as cook and keep you company, on two conditions - I’m not gonna work very hard, and you’re gonna have to pay me a lot. But man, it’ll be a bargain considering the money you save on hookers and shrinks.

Roy: Great! And if it’s work-related, I can call you at home. Now I have a reason to get a phone.

Bring It On Home (a.k.a. Jackie's in the House) [5.19]

[Red, Kitty, and Eric confront Hyde for letting Jackie sleep over in the basement. Eric is in a makeshift toga.]

Red: Who the hell do you think you are? Bringing a girl into my house in the middle of the night.

Kitty: And right in our basement. We keep our Christmas decorations down there. Baby Jesus was watching.

Hyde: Told you to look where you were goin’.

Jackie: Well what idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?

Eric: You knocked over my Space Command Center? I spent three hours building that.

Red: Alright. Now what is going on in my basement?

Hyde: Jackie’s been sleeping here the last couple of weeks.

Kitty: Couple of weeks. This is not the Playboy Mansion you know.

Hyde: Look, nothing was going on.

Eric: Nothing was going on? Umm, space command centers were ruined!

Red: Would you please go put some pants on? This is where I eat.

[Fez and Kelso are talking about Nina's parents rejecting him for being "different" in the Basement]

Fez: You know, I've been called many names since coming to this country, but I've never been treated like that before. [Shakes his head]

Kelso: Fez, unfortunately there are some people in this world that are going to judge you on the color of your skin, or your funny accent, or that girly little way you run. [Fez nods in agreement] But you know what, you're not alone. Why don't you think the Martians won't land here? Cause they're green, and they know people are going to make fun of them.

Fez: You said it brother. I just wish there were someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.

Kelso: Well, that's Canada. [Pause] Yep good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they're too busy playing hockey, or getting drunk, or putting maple syrup on their ham. [Nina walks in]

Nina: Fez, we need to talk.

Kelso: Hey, he might not be from this country, but he's beautiful, dammit!

Fez: Nina, our relationship is over. My self respect demands it, and there is nothing you can say to make me change my mind.

Nina: Fez, my parents are jerks, and I want to get back at them by doing it with you on their bed.

Fez: [Long pause] Except that. Thanks Kelso! [Kelso pumps his fist in agreement, as Fez and Nina leave]

No Quarter (a.k.a. Jackie Moves In) [5.20]

Kitty: Donna, you're so sweet for letting Jackie live here with you while her mother is...[pauses]...you know.

Donna: Whoring around Mexico?

Kitty: Donna that is not fair...[pauses]...I think she left Mexico.

Red: [learning Eric is selling his albums for money] You know, it occurs to me, that since I paid the allowance that bought those records in the first place, that money's mine.

Eric: Well, it occurs to me that possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Red: Keep up with the smart-mouth, and my foot'll be nine-tenths of the way up your ass! [leaves]

Hyde: You know, Forman, you should write a book: Things my Father Threatened to put in my Ass. Chapter One: His Foot. I'd buy that!

Eric: [singing along to Anne Murray] "And even though I ain't got money, I'm so..." who am I kidding? After I can't pay for Donna's ring, no one's gonna be in love with me, honey. Must you mock me, Anne Murray?

Hyde: Kelso, because of your pantie shenanigans, I'm banning you from the circle. I hereby ban you! I also hereby eat your burrito.

Kelso: Hey, Hyde. You're not the boss of me! ...Alright. But you can't tell me what to do... shoot. Well, at least I'm still my own man. ...No, I'm not! [gets up and leaves the circle]

Fez: What do you suppose Jackie and Donna are doing in the room right now? Combing each other's hair? Applying moisturizer to their "all-overness"? Oh, to be a fly on that boob.

Eric: All I know is I gotta go tell the woman I love that the ring I gave her for all eternity was actually for only six-and-a-half weeks. Life's more complicated than one of your simple little ditties, isn't it, Anne Murray? Anne Murray. What do you know about hard times? [scoffs] Canada.

Trampled Under Foot (a.k.a. Fez Gets Dumped) [5.21]

Hyde: I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don’t want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there’d be nothing left to drink but beer! And the government knows that beer... sets us free.

Fez: Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!

Eric: Yeah. Hungry: check. Horny: check. It's getting old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know. 'Member when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.

Kelso: Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap. Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over and I like my free ride!

Hyde: Yeah. We get it. You're good-looking. Doesn't anybody have anything new to say? [nobody responds] So there's this car that runs on water, man.... [the rest of the group angrily pelt Hyde with empty beer cans] It runs on water, man!

Hyde: Hey, weren't we supposed to seize something, man?

Donna: You know what the Six Million Dollar Man should have? A bionic nose. You could smell everything!

Eric: Guys, all I know is that we should really appreciate this. 'Cause...I don't think we're gonna be able to do this in college.

Kelso: This peach cobbler...is amazing! I love how they have a whole pan of peach cobbler just sittin' on a counter!

Jackie: See? We don't need anyone else. We have lots of interesting things to say. Right?

Hyde: ...Hey. There's this car that runs on water. [the rest of the group pelt Hyde with beer cans again] It runs on water, man!

[Fez confronts Nina for breaking up with him.]

Fez: Nina, I thought we were so happy together. What happened?

Nina: Fez, right now I'm at a point in my—

Fez: Oh, cut the crap, heart-breaker! I want the truth!

Nina: Hey, the truth is you're too needy.

Fez: Too needy? I'm sorry, but a man in his sexual prime has needs. And you are lucky to have such a stallion at your disposal.

Nina: No, your needs are fine. It's your neediness that's the problem.

Fez: Then why didn't you say that?

Nina: I didn't want you to make a scene.

Fez: You didn't want me to make a scene? You didn't want me to make a scene! [dumps the food basket of the man at the next table] Ha! You dump Fez, I dump fries! There's your scene! [to the man with the basket] Here's a dollar. Sorry about the scene.

You Shook Me (1) (a.k.a. The Nurses Are Coming) [5.22]

[Fez is uneasy after he admits having had a dream about Kelso]

Donna: That is awesome! Fez, you gotta tell us about this dream.

Kelso: Wha? No you don’t gotta! Look at him! He's undressing me with his eyes, right now!

Fez: You undressed yourself you son of a bitch!!!

Eric: Fez, tell us what happened. And, and don’t be afraid to use colorful words like sweaty, or fondle or forbidden. Go on.

Fez: Well...Kelso was a nurse. And there was ... sponging.

Kelso: Ohhh!

Fez: Hey, maybe, maybe the dream continued and we went to find some girls?

Kelso: Well, did it continue?!?

Fez: No! What could this mean?

Kelso: Well, isn’t it obvious? It means that I’m gay!

[Red is pleased with Eric's new job at Joanne's dog food factory]

Red: Look at you. You got that great dog food job now. And plenty of dog food money comin’ in. I mean ... you two are happy, right?

Donna: Very happy.

Eric: Yes.

Red: Of course you are. And that’s why I’ve changed my mind. This promising new career in dog food has convinced me ... that you two are mature enough to get married.

Eric: Wha-Are, are you serious?

Red: Absolutely! Hey! Let’s get you happy kids hitched as soon as possible! Like next week!

Donna: Next week? Wow that’s, that’s really soon.

Eric: Yeah, well sooner than we thought. We were thinkin’ like ... someday.

Donna: Yeah, yeah someday. That’s good.

Nobody's Fault But Mine (2) (a.k.a. Hyde Loves Jackie) [5.23]

[Eric and Donna are sitting in the basement. Red has been pressuring them to marry]

Eric: You know what I think Donna? I think this whole get married-in-a-week stuff is just Red trying to get us to call the whole thing off. Yeah, but you know what? That ain’t happening Missy. You know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna teach Red a lesson and get married out of spite. Yeah screw you Red!

Donna: Wow! It’s every little girl’s dream to get married out of spite!

[Jackie explains to Hyde her moment with Kelso in the previous episode]

Jackie: ...and that’s when you saw us, but I swear nothing happened!

Hyde: Jackie, stop talking! Look I know all this now okay. But before I knew I was at the hotel last night, and I was really mad, there was this nurse...and-

Jackie: And what? [gives him a mean look and he looks really sorry]

Hyde: And I’m really sorry okay. I promise it’ll never happen again.

Jackie: [voice breaking up] That’s exactly what Michael used to say!

Hyde: C’mon Jackie-

Jackie: No, you know what Steven, I’m sorry. It’s over. [gets out of the car and walks away]

Hyde: [turns on radio] Huh, finally get country music.

The Immigrant Song (a.k.a. Fez Gets Busted) [5.24]

[Fez has been caught by the police while painting the water tower.]

Fez: Um... I am a painter from a foreign country, and this is my gift to America!

Police: Get off the water tower!

Fez: [raises his arms] People of America, I give you "Genitals in the Sky"!

[Eric and Donna are browsing the classified ads for places to rent near UW-Madison]

Donna: This place even pays utilities.

Eric: Oh, cool! What are utilities?

Donna: I think it's, like, gas and water.

Eric: Free water? Um, you know what that means? Free ice!

[Kitty walks in]

Kitty: What are you two doing?

Eric: Oh, we're looking for apartments in Madison. I can't believe it. It's like, we leave in less than a week.

Kitty: Are you trying to kill me? Because that's what you're doing. You're killing your mother. You only get one you know!

Donna: Eric, this place has a washer and dryer!

Eric: Wait. A washer and free water? My God, it's like there's no reason to come home!

Kitty: [laughs] Excuse me. [walks outside to Red who is fixing the car] A washer and dryer, Red! They are going to have a washer and dryer! That redheaded harlot is going to be shouting out my baby's grass stains! What about my last summer with my youngest child? I bet you weren't thinking about that when you went fishing! I bought sparklers for the Fourth of July! He loves sparklers and now he's leaving! AND WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR THE FOURTH OF JULY?!

Red: Uhh... [smiling] There's a car show in Kenosha.

Kitty: A car show? I don't want to go to a goddamn car show in fucking Kenosha. I want three more fucking months with my baby boy, and now they're gone because of your bullshit! WAY TO GO DUMBASS! [storms back to house]

Celebration Day (a.k.a. Graduation) [5.25]

Kitty: Red, I think you're having a heart attack.

Kelso: No, open your eyes. He's having an arm attack.

[Red is having a heart attack because Fez and Laurie broke the news of their marriage]

Fez: Hang on, Dad.

Red: Kitty?

Kitty: Yes, Red?

Red: If I don't make it, kill the foreigner!

[Eric and Donna try to scare everyone during their campfire]

Donna: Okay. I'm gonna freak everyone out and tell my ghost story, so go hide in the woods and jump out when I get to the end.

Eric: [in a British accent] You are as wicked as you are gorgeous.

[Eric gets up and leaves]

Donna: You know... it really creeps me out being out here after what happened to those kids.

Kelso: What kids?

Donna: A bunch of kids just like us were camping out up here, [turns on flashlight pointed at her face] and they disappeared. And all the police could find were these bloody drag marks that led down to the lake. It was like... it was like something killed them, and then pulled them in.

Fez: Maybe it was the Loch Ness Monster.

Laurie: No, Fez. The Loch Ness Monster's in Africa.

Donna: So the police, like, searched the lake with their sonar and stuff. And when they played back the tapes all they could hear in the background was, like, a whisper.

Kelso: What did it say?

Donna: [scarily; points flashlight at Kelso] "I am the Lady of the Lake. I am the Lady of the Lake." Yeah, and you'll know when she's coming because she screams before she kills. Let's see if we can hear her. [pause] I said, Let's see if we can hear her!

Eric: D- Donna, I'm stuck in a thornbush.

Kelso: I heard her! She's stuck in a thornbush!

Eric: It was awful. I saw Laurie, and everything just went blank, and I just ran. I just ran away. And then I heard these high-pitched screams....and it was me.

Donna: Yeah? Well, I've got bigger problems. Fez is a good artist. He's gonna paint me onto a nudie poster, and sell it to every gaucho in Argentina, or wherever the hell he's from. Eric, I'm gonna be Ms. Nude Argentina.

Jackie: You know, being here under the stars, sitting on the grass... makes me really glad I'm not poor.

Kelso: Check out that fire, baby. Yeah, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's turning a small fire into a big fire. Man, that one guitar-shaped log is roarin'! [looks more closely into the fire] What the... Is that my guitar?!

Hyde: Yep. Nice, warm sound.

[Eric is mad at Kelso for leaving the van unattended, thus making the gang miss their graduation ceremony]

Eric: What kind of a moron leaves the keys in the ignition?!

Kelso: When I put the keys in my pocket, it distracts from my natural bulge! GOD!

External links

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That '70s Show (season 5)