Team Fortress 2

Team Fortress 2 is a 2007 multiplayer first-person shooter game developed and published by Valve Corporation. It is the sequel to the 1996 Team Fortress mod for Quake and its 1999 remake, Team Fortress Classic. In it, Players join one of two teams—RED and BLU—and choose one of nine character classes to play as in game modes such as capture the flag and king of the hill. It spawned a multimedia franchise that includes comics and short films.

Meet the Team

Meet the Heavy

Heavy: I am Heavy Weapons Guy... and this is my weapon. She weighs one hundred fifty kilograms and fires two hundred dollar, custom-tooled cartridges at ten thousand rounds per minute. It costs four hundred thousand dollars to fire this weapon...for twelve seconds.

Heavy: Some people think they can outsmart me. Maybe, [sniff] maybe. I've yet to meet one that can outsmart bullet.

Heavy: Oh my God. Who touched Sasha? [turns] Alright, WHO TOUCHED MY GUN?!

Meet the Scout

Scout: Um, I don't even know where to start with you. I mean, do you even know who ya talkin' to?

Scout: D-Do you have any idea, any idea who I am?

Scout: Basically, kind of a big deal.

Scout: You listenin'? Okay, grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and brother, I hurt people.

Scout: If you were from where I was from, you'd be f[bleep]kin' dead!

Meet the Pyro

Heavy: [Referring to the Pyro] I fear no man. But that... thing... it scares me.

Spy: One shudders to imagine what inhuman thoughts lie behind that mask... What dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty?

Meet the Sandwich

Scout: My blood! H-he punched out all my blood!

Soldier: You call that breaking my spine? You RED team ladies wouldn't know how to break a spine if- AUGHHH! MY SPINE!

Meet the Engineer

Engineer: Hey look, buddy. I'm an engineer — that means I solve problems. Not problems like 'What is beauty?' because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of philosophy. I solve practical problems. Fer’instance, how am I going to stop some big mean mother hubbard from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind? The answer: use a gun. And if that don't work... use more gun. Like this heavy caliber, tripod-mounted, little ol' number designed by me... Built by me... and you'd best hope... not pointed at you.

Meet the Demoman

Demoman: What makes me a good Demoman? If I were a bad Demoman, I wouldn't be sittin' here, discussin' it with you now would I? One crossed wire, one wayward pinch of potassium chlorate, one errant twitch...and kablooie!

Demoman: I'm a black, Scottish cyclops. They've got more f-[incredibly long bleep]-s than they've got the likes of me.
- The uncensored line is “They've got more fecking sea monsters in the great Loch at Ness than they've got the likes of me"

Demoman: So… t’all you fine dandies so proud, so cocksure… prancin' aboot with your heads full of eyeballs… come and get me I say! I'll be waiting on ya with a whiff of the 'ol brimstone. I'm a grim bloody fable... with an unhappy bloody end!

Demoman: Oh, they're going to have to glue you back together... in hell!

Meet the Soldier

Soldier: “If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!” Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one! And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a ”zoo”! [...] Unless it's a ”farm”!

Meet the Spy

Speaker: Intruder alert - red spy in base!

Soldier: Red spy is in the base?

Soldier: [unlocking door] All right, all right, I got it. Stand back, son. 1, 1, 1, umm... 1!

Heavy: INCOMING! [breaks down door]

[they break through the door to see the briefcase still there]

Scout: Oh hey, it's still here!

Spy: [clears throat] Gentlemen.

Scout: I've killed plenty of Spies; they're dime-a-dozen back-stabbing scumbags - like you! [flips around Spy’s folding knife clumsily and cuts himself] Ow! No offense.

Spy: If you managed to kill them, I assure you, they were not like me… and nothing... nothing like the man loose inside this building.

Scout: What're you? President of his fan club?

Spy:No... that would be your mother! [Spy produces a folder of photos showing the RED Spy having sex with Scout’s mother]

Scout: What the-?!

Spy: Indeed, and now he's here to f[bleep]k us! So listen up, boy, or pornography starring your mother will be the second worst thing that happens to you today.

spy: The spy has already breached our defences, you see what he's done to our colleagues. And worst of all, he could be any one of us... He could be in this very room! He could be you! He could be me! He could even be— [Soldier blows his head off with his shotgun]

Scout: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Heavy: Oh!

Soldier: What? It was obvious! He's the RED Spy! Watch, he'll turn red any second now... Any second now... See? Red! Oh, wait... that's blood.

Heavy: So, we still got a problem...

Soldier: Big problem...

[Scout is suddenly able to flick the knife open effortlessly]

Soldier: All right, who's ready to go find this Spy?

[the “Scout” drops his disguise, revealing he was the RED Spy all along]

RED Spy: Right behind you.

Meet the Sniper

Sniper: Snipin's a good job, mate! It's challengin' work, outta doors. I guarantee you'll not go hungry, cause at the end of the day, long as there's two people left on the planet, someone is gonna want someone dead.

Sniper: Dad? Dad, I'm a- Ye- Not a "crazed gunman", dad, I'm an assassin! ...Well, the difference bein' one is a job and the other's a mental sickness!"

Sniper: Feelings? Look, mate, you know who has a lot of feelings? Blokes what bludgeon their wife to death with a golf trophy. Professionals have standards. Be polite. Be efficient. Have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

Meet the Medic

Medic: [Chatting with the Heavy while operating on him] Wait, wait, wait, it gets better. When the patient woke up, his skeleton was missing, and the doctor was never heard from again! Anyway, that's how I lost my medical license, heh. [his pet dove pops its head out of Heavy's chest] Archimedes! No! It's filthy in there. [to Heavy] Birds, right? Now, most hearts couldn't withstand this voltage, but I'm fairly certain your heart... [Heavy's heart explodes]

Heavy: What was noise?

Medic: The sound of progress, my friend!

[Medic is looking in his fridge for a new heart]

Spy’s Head: Kill me.

Medic: Later.

Heavy: Should I be awake for this?

Medic: Ah heh. Well, no, heh. But as long as you are, could you hold your rib cage open a bit? I can't... seem... [Loud crack; Medic has broken off Heavy’s rib] Oh, don't be such a baby, ribs grow back! [whispering to his pet dove] No they don't. [he fixes Heavy's open chest cavity. Heavy sighs]

Heavy: What happens now?

Medic: Now... [pulls Heavy up; ominously] Let's go practice medicine.

Heavy: Doctor! Are you sure this will work?!

Medic: [laughing maniacally] I have no idea!

Expiration Date

Spy: This is a bucket.
Soldier: Dear God.
Spy: There's more.
Soldier: No!

Spy: Our first dying wish is Scout's. He's... drawn a picture of me getting hit by a car. I have something radiating off of me.
Scout: Yeah, those are stink lines. That's why the car hit him. Cause he smells.
Spy: [rolls eyes, takes another card] Yes I see. Here you've drawn me having... sexual congress with the Eiffel Tower. [he takes another card] The Eiffel Tower having sexual congress with me. [takes yet another card] Both of us relaxing post-coitus.
Demoman: [mouthing, confused] "post-coitus”…?
Spy: I'm crying and the Eiffel Tower has stink lines coming off of it. Did anyone besides Scout put a card into the bucket?!
Scout: [giggling] Oh man, Classic Scout.
Spy: [sighs] Fantastic. This was a huge waste of my time.
Soldier: [pulls out a card] You did not read mine!
Spy: [sighs again] Does it say you want the bucket?
Soldier: [interrupting] Yes!

Scout: We both got buckets of chicken. Wanna do it?
Fried Chicken Tramp: [shrugs] Eh, okay.

Soldier: I have done nothing but teleport bread for three days.

In-game

Scout

Dude, you'd get a closed casket at the ugly cemetery.
[Referring to the Heavy] I am owning you, you fat, bald, fatty fat... fat fat!
You'll never hit me! You'll never hit my tiny head! It's so tiny I got a frickin'... such a tiny li'l head!
Pop quiz: How long's it take to beat a moron to death? Errnt! Sorry, time's up, you're dead.
Come on, Bat. Let's go introduce you to some skulls.
Hey! Other team! See dis butt! Eat it! Eat my butt! Ha ha ha! Yeah!
I have this disorder that makes it physically impossible for me to lose! It also makes me irresistible to ladies. Like all ladies. Everywhere.
I hate ghosts so. Much. Just be solid already, stupid ghosts…
Ey is somebody keeping track of my heads batted in?
I don't know how to lose. I tried it once. It didn't work.
I… eat… your… sandwiches! I EAT EM UP!
Think fast, chucklenuts!

Soldier

If God had wanted you to live, He would not have created me!
[To the Demoman] Scotland is not a real country; you are an Englishman with a dress.
Stars and Stripes beats Hammer and Sickle. Look it up!
War is like a game of chess: with guts on top of it! And instead of chess pieces, there's just brave blood-hungry sons-of-bitches who love war!
Drop your socks and grab your socks, boys! Now put down those socks and let's get to work!
You are all daisies and I will plant your sorry asses in my war garden!
War: what is it good for? Everything!
Pain is weakness leaving the body.
You are a maggot hatched from a mutant maggot egg!
You were good son, real good. Maybe even the best.

Demoman

I killed the bloody Loch Ness Monster! I ain't afraid of six wee men!
Awww.... there's a new angel in heaven... IN HELL!
Go to hell, and tell the devil I'm coming for him next.
[to the Engineer] Go on and build more o' yer little guns. I'll shove every one of them up yer arse!

Heavy

The burning you feel? It is shame.
I am going to kill you, and kill you, and kill you!
You are dead. Not big surprise.
I have seen the enemy! And he is us! But itty bitty.

Engineer

You can always tell a Texan, but you can't tell 'em much.
You must be a doctor, 'cause you just saw the extent of my patience!
Don't worry, boys! The Engineer, is Engi-here! [laughs] Yeah...still tinkerin' with that one.
Man vs. Sentry? I believe I'll take 900 pounds of precision-machined steel over a little fella that runs fast!
We got that done faster than a knife-fight in a phone booth!
They call me mule, boy! 'Cause all I do is carry!
My 11th PhD is in Applied Ass-Kicking!

Medic

Zat vas doktor-assisted homicide!
Ze healing is not as revarding as ze hurting.
Can you feel ze Schadenfreude?
Eins, zwei, drei... Ugh, I do not zhink ve brought enough body bags.
Did ze Fräuleins have zeir Mittelschmerz?

Sniper

I'm gonna blow the inside of ya head all over four counties!
Everything above your neck is going to be a fine red mist!
You'll be needin' another use for that neck.
You're making this so easy, I'm actually getting worse.
I don't make the first move, just the last one.
I love this job. Sunshine's free, bullets are cheap, and everybody's got a head.
Never complain, never explain, aim for the brain.

Spy

You got blood on my suit.
Here lies Scout--he ran fast, and died a virgin.
May I borrow your earpiece? [mimicking Scout in a high-pitched voice] “This is Scout! Rainbows make me cry! Over!”
[After killing a Medic] Aww, you almost healed me to death that time!
[To Medic] I'm looking at your x-ray, and I'm afraid YOU SUCK!
I like my enemies like I like my wines: I let them breathe, for a moment.
[in a competitive (normally 6v6) match] I like my teams like I like my romances: in groups of six.
[during a stalemate] I have a tie. I'm wearing it, it's silk, and it costs $9000. I do not need another one!
And when the Spy saw the breadth of his achievement, he wept, for there were no more backs to stab.

Ms. Pauling

All quotes are spoken over the phone

[boxing bell rings] Hey! Just a— taking a boxing class here. Uhh! Listen, a contract...uhh!...a contract came in and...UHH!...Uh, arms in, arms in...and I thought of you— uhh!! That's mine! That's my molar! Did, did anyone see where that went?
Hey, Pauling. I'm on a Teufort sightseeing tour. We just went to the library and took pictures of both the books. And then they took us to a tramp fight. And I guess now we're going to look at a sewage fire. It hasn't gone out in like fifty years or something. So we're really proud of it.
[drunkenly] Say, it's, it's Pauling. I'm… I'm at a beer garden with Demo, so there's lots of beer and...uh..beer.
Pauling here. I'm at a campfire with Soldier, Salty Pete, Pepper Pot Pete, and Perry Pepper Pants, and Peter Poopy-Toots. [whispering] And they're all cardboard. I think he's crazy. [normal voice] Oh, what's that Soldier? Tree bark rations? Sounds… American! [whispering] Do this contract and then get this man some help.
Medic's showing me how to sew a heart inside of another heart and pump them full of radiation. It's sorta like making a turducken, but with people!
Hey it's Pauling here. I'm on a vision quest with Sniper. I just ate some ground-up mushrooms and grubs. Sniper said that it's supposed to make me ghost noise picnic dripping, but I don't boot soup what he's mustaching about. I don't even dynamite a little pyramid gravy. Anyway, here's a condor.

Ap-Sap

If you're alive, can you say something? Jump around, so I know you're okay! Unless you've broken your legs, in which case, don't jump around- that'll just make it worse!
First rule of hacking: look for the green wire! Oh...what color would you say that is? It's more of a sort of aqua-marine [sic], isn't it?
[pages turning] Hmm. [pages turning] Oh! Oh, sorry. Sorry! Hope that didn't disturb you too much, then. That was--did you hear that noise? Yeah, that was just the sound of...some books. Pages being turned. By me. 'Cause I was reading...the books. [chuckles] You know what it's like, you know? When you get the urge. And--and ability. To read. Suddenly takes you, you're like I've gotta read some books! So that was what I was doing, just reading the old, uh--some of the old bloody classics. Of literature. By uh...Dickens. And uh...um...others. So uh, so I'm not a moron.
[obnoxious squeaking] Oh! Sorry! Sorry, sorry! I hope I didn't disturb you too much, then. Um, I was just polishing… my… book museum. When it occurred to me that I've read all of the books. Tragic! Speaking as, uh, someone who can literally read. Not bragging, not trying to show off; but uh, but I can read. And uh, yeah! I've just been working my way through all of the classics, really: Pride and Punishment, Brothers Masagiganovnov, Franken's...Dickinson. Um, read all of 'em. So I'm not a moron.
[playing Bach’s (little) prelude in C minor, BWV 934] Oh! Sorry! Sorry, sorry! I hope I didn't disturb you too much, then. Um, I'm listening to some uh, classical music. This one is by, um--what's his name? Wolfgang...uh, Wolfgang Beethoven. Who--my personal favorite, if I'm honest. Um, I just love all the--I just love all the bloody melodies! That he comes up with. Hummable, they are. That's--to me, that is the mark of great music, if you can hum along. And I can, to this one, on all of them. So I'm not a moron.

Dialogue

Spy: Ahh, a 1962 Chateau Matador!
Pauling: [whispering] Hey, hey I'm at a wine tasting with Spy...it all tastes like raisins and gasoline. Uh, quick! give me some fancy-pants words to say to him.
Spy: À votre santé!
Pauling:[normal voice] Spy, your wine is...great! It's really, uh, pre-precocious! Uh...volup-voluptuous? And uh, uh, big, big-boned!
Spy: Ugh...
Pauling: Yeah, it's got a very big-boned wine taste.

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