Talk:Spike Milligan

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Unsourced

Wikiquote no longer allows unsourced quotations, and they are in process of being removed from our pages (see Wikiquote:Limits on quotations); but if you can provide a reliable and precise source for any quote on this list please move it to Spike Milligan.

• A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
• Education isn't everything; for a start it isn't an elephant.
• I can't see the sense in it [his honorary CBE] really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes — at least that exists.
• How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
• My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

-From Spike's collection of War Diaries

• The man has no talent. The only nice thing I can wish him is an early death
  • About British DJ and television presenter Chris Evans when Milligan appeared on Room 101
• World peace could be a possibility...if it weren't for all those damned foreigners!
• The boy stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled. Twit.
  • Commentary on a poem
• I'm fucking Irish!
  • When a fan asked him for the autograph of the funniest Englishman ever.
• Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
  • Commentary on Scotland

On life and death

• When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It is of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts.
• Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
• Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy.
• All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
• I hope you go before me because I don't want you singing at my funeral.
  • In a fax to Harry Secombe. Harry did go before Spike, but Harry Secombe sang at Spike's funeral from a recording.

On royalty

• Oh, the little grovelling bastard.
  • Response at the British Comedy Awards in 1994 after the reading of a letter from Prince Charles congratulating him on his Lifetime Achievement Award
• I suppose a knighthood is out of the question then?
  • Fax to Prince Charles shortly afterwards
• I can't see the sense in it really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists.
  • Upon receiving his CBE
• Said Prince Charles when they placed the crown on his head: I suppose this means that Mummy's dead.

Other quotes

• We're Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Ratties!
• There's no such thing as anything, and sometimes even less!
• The small of my back is too big
• My ribs give me claustrophobia
• I don't like jam, I don't want it to know where I am
• I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.