- A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
- A loafer always has the correct time.
- About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
- All the world loves a good loser.
- An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will be postponed.
- Bargain... anything a customer thinks a store is losing money on.
- Beauty is only skin deep, but it's a valuable asset if you're poor or haven't any sense.
- Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
- Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
- Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.
- Variant: Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation.
- Every once in a while someone without a single bad habit gets caught.
- If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on a vacation.
- If there's anything a public servant hates to do it's something for the public.
- If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.
- It ain't a bad plan to keep still occasionally even when you know what you're talking about.
- It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.
- It isn't enough for you to love money — it's also necessary that money should love you.
- It's going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it.
- It's no disgrace to be poor, but it might as well be.
- It's the good loser who finally loses out.
- Kindness goes a long ways lots of times when it ought to stay at home.
- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep an' it keeps on laughin'.
- Live so that you can at least get the benefit of the doubt.
- Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
- No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
- No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.
- Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
- Nobody ever grew despondent looking for trouble.
- Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it's by applause.
- Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.
- Some fellows pay a compliment like they expected a receipt.
- The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.
- The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.
- The hardest thing is to take less when you can get more.
- The height of ability consists in a thorough knowledge of the real value of things, and of the genius of the age in which we live.
- The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.
- The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
- The world gets better every day — then worse again in the evening.
- There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?
- There is nothing more aggravating as a fresh boy who is too old to ignore and too young to kick.
- Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.
- We become actors without realizing it, and actors without wanting to.
- Why doesn't the fellow who says "I'm no speechmaker" let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration?
- You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
