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- There is no such thing as an attention span. People have infinite attention if you are entertaining them. The gays in The Wall Street Journal.
- Work is the least important thing and Family is the most important.
- What's the deal with...
- A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
- A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Everytime you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door, the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, "He's back, it's that guy, that same guy." He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. "Another can of food? I don't believe it."
- A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
- I read a thing that actually says that speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. I found that amazing - number two was death! That means to the average person if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
- Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit...I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh...oh, God, this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
- Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
- Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it—"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"
- Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
- Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.
- Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets.
- Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to himself, "I could do that! He's not that good."
That's why the greatest, most exciting moment in the life of a dog is the front seat of your car. You and him in the front seat. It's the only place where your head and his are on the exact same level. He sits up there, he thinks, "This is more like it. you and me together, this is the way it should be." He looks out the front. "What's he looking at? He's a dog. What are you going to make— a right or a left? I don't even know where I am."
They have a hard time. They stand up, they sit down, they can't handle the turn either way. No matter which way you turn, he's not ready. They don't know what to do. And then comes the great moment of frustration. You stop someplace and get something to eat. This kills him. You get a hamburger, this blows his mind. "Instant food whenever you want it?" You know what this means to him? You ever see the look on his face? He looks over at you. "How'd you get that? Are they giving it to everybody now? You think I could get one?" They can't get anything.
- How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
- I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything—which as you know, always leads to something—cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
- I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."
But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?"
- I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
- I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
- I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
- I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
- Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did that happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get me a hit of that stuff."
- It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
- Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them will say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat." "I called it." And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I do?" If there was a kid court of law it holds up. "Your Honor, my client did ask for the front seat." The judge says, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call it..." He bangs the gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed."
- Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.
- Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm— all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not swimming anywhere."
- Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
- My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
- Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
- Variant: ...maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem, try getting the harpoon out of your chest first!
- Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
- Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
- That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
- The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
- The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?"
How does that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement... the killer must have been... Jim."
- The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
- The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and the ceremony continues.
- The suit is definitely the universal business outfit for men. There is nothing else men like to wear when doing business. I don't know why it projects this image of power. Why is it intimidating? "We'd better do what this guy says, his pants match his jacket."
- The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! I was audited last time, and let me tell you that it is not a wonderful experience. I thought may be IRS sounds like ToysRUs; but its an agony you have to go through. Its the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination.
- Even though IRS kind of sounds like Toys R Us, they're not fun people. There are things they could do to liven up the audit. I think they should put all the receipts in one of those big sweepstakes drums, you know, crank it around like you might win something. Then they can pull them out one by one and go, "Oh, I'm sorry. There's another illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting gifts for you -- jail."
- The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the nail clippers right here."
- There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family."
- There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
- What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your teeth are yellow anyway. See you later."
- What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
- Whatever it takes, how ever long it takes me, wherever it takes me, as long as it takes you away from me
- Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
- Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
- Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
- Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy... Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up."
- Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
- You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."
- I have to admit I'm still at square one. Not that I really object to square one. It's the only numbered square in the game. At least you know where you are. Nobody ever screws up and goes, "Well, back to oval seven."
- You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
- You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
- To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.
- The government is basically parents for adults.
The gay guys hump each other