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- I had kind of a foul mouth as a kid, so my Dad used to wash my mouth out with soap. But I think the real reason was to get rid of the traces of his DNA.
- If size doesn't matter, how come my girlfriend's vibrator isn't three inches and crooked?
- Hey, so I told my girlfriend I wanted to fuck her between the tits, she said, "How're you gonna make that feel good for me?", I said, "Right before I cum I'll stop punching you in the face."
- I go onstage and it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end. My act is no aphrodisiac - as it progresses, listen, you can hear it, faintly, like popcorn popping in an adjacent room, the sound of pussies slamming shut like car doors the longer I talk.
- As long as they make it into a competition people will watch it so they can get a vicarious win without taking a chance.
- on television
- I’d love to spill a lot of specifics about free trade or habeus corpus, or the founding fathers, etc and the like but I’m really not that bright. All my reasons would be selfish ones – and rightfully so as it seems that a lot of other people don’t seem to give a shit about personal liberties. I’d like to have built my deck and studio without some local building inspector walking around my property like a prison search telling me that I need to have a smaller handrail on the stairs that children can grip – even though I hate children and wouldn’t let them in my house. I’d like to do mushrooms in Death Valley without the paranoia of federal park rangers killing my journey. I’d like to be a small business person without having to be a full-time accountant to appease the IRS. I’d like to wear shoes with laces in the airport. I could go on
- When asked what he would like to accomplish as President
- You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North."
- Whatever your problems were, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.
- It was either Confucius or me who said 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious assraping at airport security.'
- Does Osama even exist at this point? I think he's like some made up Wrestling anti-hero. I think Osama is Tyler Durden. First rule of Al Qaeda: You do not talk about Al Qaeda!
- We've got all the toys but they've got all the batteries and that's why we gotta fuck with 'em...
- Don't just eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see God one time in your life. A real God! Not some storybook bullshit God that's been fucking kicked in your head for the last 2000 years that you just accept with no logic whatsoever, a real God that works for you. Everytime you deny your own logic, deny your own instincts, you deny your own God you fucking moron.
- I come to this country and I see a whole lotta history; but I don't see much of a future (at the Manchester Comedy Festival)
- I just got off the phone with my publicist, and if one more person calls me the heir to Bill Hicks' throne, I get to sue his estate.
- We all know how this story ends - we will all die