A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.
Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.
I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money.
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
I thought Deep Throat was a movie about a giraffe.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.
I was born in England, but left as soon as I realized I wouldn't be King
