Superbad

2007 film by Greg Mottola

Superbad is a 2007 American comedy film about two teenagers who are about to graduate from high school. Before graduating, the boys want to go to a party and lose their virginities. However, their plan proves harder than expected.

Directed by Greg Mottola. Written by Evan Goldberg and Seth Rogen.
Come and Get Some.

Seth

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  • What, you think Becca's going to be psyched that you brought a bottle of lube? "Oh, Evan! Thank you so much for bringing that lube for my pussy! I could never handle your fucking four-inch dick inside my pussy without your gigantic bottle of LUBE!" These girls are 18 years old. They aren't dried up old ladies, man. They're good to go!
  • Are you insane?! Look at Jules's dating record. She dated Dan Remmeck, who's had a six pack since like kindergarten, Jason Stone, who looks like Zack Morris, and Matt Muer, he's the sweetest guy! Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.
  • Do you have any normal sized clothes or do you only shop at the Baby Gap?

Becca

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  • I am going to give you the best blow J ever. With my mouth.

Officer Michaels

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  • [Breaking up a party] I assume you all have guns and crack... Okay, everyone! Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law!
  • We shouldn't be cock-blocking McLovin, we should be guiding his cock.

Officer Slater

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  • [pointing gun at Evan and Seth] Spread your shit! Get on the ground! Loaded gun! Ready to go! Spread your shit! Pussies on the pavement, fellas!

Dialogue

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Seth: [about Evan's mom] I am TRULY jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
Evan: Yeah, well... least you got to suck on your dad's dick.

Evan: Look at those nipples.
Seth: They're like little baby toes.
Evan: It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get. Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just, like, wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.
Seth: You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it AND it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.

Seth: You know it's been like 2 years since I've seen an actual human female nipple?
Evan: Shauna? Shauna was 2 years ago now?
Seth: Yeah.
Evan: I guess so, but she was insanely hot.
Seth: Exactly, she was TOO hot, okay? That's what sucks!
Evan: How can that possibly suck? I'd be psyched if I gotten with her; you got, like 2 dozen handjobs.
Seth: Yes, and 3/4 of a blowjob, but who's counting, Evan? Look, it was the peak of my ass-getting career and it happened WAY, way too early.
Evan: [smirks] You're like Orson Welles.
Seth: Exactly! If I had paced myself, I'd be having at least steady sex with a decent looking girl. I honestly see now why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death!

Evan: [talking about porn sites] You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean that could be any number of things, right? Perfect Ten? I mean, it could be a bowling site.
Seth: Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going IN, which is a huge concern.
Evan: Right, I didn't realize that.
Seth: Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?
Evan: No.
Seth: [shakes his head] Not for me.

Seth: I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.
Teacher: I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
Seth: I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.
Evan: [His partner is tying on his apron] Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, Miroki. I'm getting impatient up here.
Seth: I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry. I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke, no offense, it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit. And I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food, no offense, and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. When am I gonna need to cook tiramisu? Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin' break! I'm sorry for cursing.
Teacher: Alright, Jules' partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.
Seth: Jules? Alright, I'll give it another shot—give home-ec another shot.

Fogell: Yo, guys! What's up?
Evan: Fogell, where have you been, man?
Seth: You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out or what?
Fogell: No, no, man. I got it. It is flawless. Check it!
Evan: [examining the fake ID] Hawaii. Alright, that's good. That's hard to trace, I guess. Wait, you changed your name to...McLovin?
Fogell: Yeah.
Evan: McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?
Fogell: No, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.
Seth: And you landed on McLovin?
Fogell: Yeah. It was between that and Muhammad.
Seth: Why the fuck would it between that and Muhammad? Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person?
Fogell: "Muhammad" is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once!
Evan: Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named "Muhammad"?
Fogell: Have you actually ever met anyone named "McLovin"?
Seth: No! That's why you picked a dumb fucking name!
Fogell: Fuck you!
Seth: Give me that. Alright, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2: it doesn't even have a first name. It just says "McLovin"!
Evan: What?! One name? One name? Who are you, Seal?
Seth: Fogell, this ID says that you're 25 years old. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?
Fogell: Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face! Every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with fake IDs, and every single one says they're 21. How many 21-year-olds do you think there are in this town? It's called fucking strategy, alright?
Evan: Stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's...it's a fine ID. It'll...it's going to work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy is either going to think, "Here's another kid with a fake ID," or "Here's McLovin, a 25-year-old Hawaiian organ donor." Okay? So, what's it gonna be?
Fogell: [grinning] I am McLovin!
Seth: No, you're not. No one's McLovin. McLovin's never existed because that's a made-up, dumb motherfucking fairy tale name, you fuck!

Gym Teacher: Seth, get off the field!
Evan: Dude, get out of here. They're going to make me run laps again.
Seth: Dude, just listen, okay? Jules and her stupid fucking friend came up to me, and they asked me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle, we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy she would trust with the whole funness of her party. She wants to fuck me, she wants my dick... [Catches breath] in and around her mouth.
Evan: Did you ever think that she's just using you to get her alcohol? She doesn't want your dick?
Seth: Of course I thought that. That's the first thing that came to mind. But she's got an older brother and she could've asked him, but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Seth, Momma's making a pubie salad and I need some Seth's Own dressing." She's D.T.F.—down to fuck, man. P and Vagi, she wants to fuck, man! Tonight is a night that fucking is an actual possibility.
Evan: You just sound like an idiot. You're not gonna be able to sleep with her, man.
Seth: No...dude, I don't want to talk a lot of shit, okay? But she's gonna be at the party, and she's gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least a little, enough to get with me. At the very least I'll make out with her, two weeks handjob, month blowjob, whatever, whatever. And then I make her my girlfriend. And I've got, like, two solid months of sex. By the time college rolls around, I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vaj.

Seth: You wanna hear the best part? Becca! You do the same thing with her. When you guys are shit-faced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as high school people. I fully ignored my hatred for Becca in coming up with this plan.
Evan: I should buy Becca alcohol?
Seth: Yeah, man, that will be pimp! That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when you hear girls saying, like, "Ahh, I was so shit-faced last night! I shouldn't have fucked that guy!" We could be that mistake!

Evan: Yeah, why don't you just wear what you wore to school?
Seth: No, I can't do that. I can't let Jules see me in what I wore to school. It's completely unbecoming. No one's gotten a hand job in cargo short since 'Nam!

Officer Michaels: You know, this job though isn't how shows like CSI make it out to be. When I first joined the force, I was under the impression that everything was covered in a fine layer of semen. And that the police had at their disposal a semen database with every bad guy's semen on it. Not true!
Officer Slater: Yup.
Officer Michaels: If only there was semen on everything, it would make our jobs easier.
Officer Slater: Hell yeah!
Officer Michaels: I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything is covered in semen.
Officer Slater: I mean, who doesn't? It's like your wish that you could walk out of a room and just know where the semen was. You just know like Sherlock Holmes, if he was in his day, Sherlock Holomes, in his day... And this is a proven historical fact. Sherlock Holmes, when he was alive, knew where semen was.
Officer Michaels: Could smell it out like a rat.
Officer Slater: Smell it out. Anything.
Officer Michaels: Like the crime scene today, if the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we'd have a real good shot at catching him.
Officer Slater: No way.
Officer Michaels: Just punched you in the face. No semen.
Officer Slater: Yeah, no semen. And that's the only way you can find DNA by the way, if it's in the jizz.
Officer Michaels: Semen. It's the best DNA, is in the jizz.
Officer Slater: I'm telling you right now, sometimes I just want to make, you know, live in a world of semen.

Evan: Do you want to get killed for liquor?
Seth: No, but I would get killed for pussy. No questions asked!

Officer Michaels: Yeah, McLovin, how is it going with the ladies?
Fogell: It's not the "going" I'm worried about...but the "coming."

[Seth and Evan just escaped from a fight at a party.]:
Seth: You fucking prick...!
Evan: ... What?
Seth: ... You bailed on me...
Evan: I didn't bail on you.
Seth: Yeah, you did — you said you were gonna do something, and you didn't do it — that's "bailing"!
Evan: You're the one that drive me to that fucking party with those lunatics, man! I didn't bail on you!
Seth: You BAILED on me! Okay?! You bailed on me this morning when Jesse spat on me, and you're bailing on me next year!
Evan: The fu— [scoffs] It finally comes out... that's good, man.
Seth: We were supposed to go to college together, Evan. Since we were little kids, since elementary school, that's all we ever talked about was US going to college together and you got into fucking DARTMOUTH!
Evan: You're... making me feel like I'm a bad guy! Like, w-what am I, uh...? I didn't do anything wrong; I got into a good school!
Seth: How the FUCK am I supposed to get into Dartmouth? You KNEW I couldn't get into Dartmouth—
Evan: How fucking selfish are you?! You had no problem letting Fogell take the fall back there; you obviously don't want me going to a good school.
Seth: Fuck, man!
Evan: So what the fuck do you want?! I'm not gonna let you slow me down anymore, Seth!
Seth: [in shock] ... What are you saying...?
Evan: I've wasted the last three years of my life sitting around talking BULLSHIT with you, man! Instead of... chasing girls and making friends, I've just sat around wasting all my time with you! And now because of you, I'm going to college a fucking friendless virgin!

Fogell: What's it like to have a gun?
Officer Michaels: It is...awesome! I mean, I've only had mine for like a few months, but I'll tell you, it's like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone.

Becca: I'm so wet right now.
Evan: Yeah...they said that would happen in health class.

Becca: You have such a smooth cock!
Evan: Yours would be too...if you were a man.

Cast

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