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Step Brothers (film)

2008 film by Adam McKay

Step Brothers is a 2008 comedy film directed by Adam McKay, produced by Judd Apatow and starring Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly.

Brennan Huff

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  • (Banging Dale's snare drum with his scrotum) John Bonham's playing Moby Dick for real!
  • (Playing with Dale's drumset, as he yells in one of the drums) FUCK YOU, DALE! FUCK YOU!!
  • (Sleep-talking) I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy.
  • (At Derek's birthday gathering, during his and Dale's presentation of Prestige Worldwide) Last week, we put Liquid Paper on a bee... And it died.
  • (Wearing a Nazi outfit, to some home buyers) Hey, fuckers! Welcome to the neighborhood! My name is Craig. If you guys need any fertilizer, I've got a lot of it; Close to 80 tons. (to Derek, after the home buyers leave) Hey, Derek! Sprechen Sie Dick?
  • (In regards to Robert and Nancy, who are retiring, selling their residence and having him and Dale live on their own as adults) Hold on; We're not going on the boat... Derek's selling the house... We have to go therapy? (Robert nods in response) WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!?
  • (After singing for Dale, upon his request) I felt like I was hovering over my own body, watching myself sing.
  • (On Christmas Day, regarding his Chewbacca mask) It's okay that mine's not movie quality.

Dialogue

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Brennan: [about Robert] I'm not gonna call him "Dad".
Nancy: Brennan, you're 39 years old. I would not expect you to call him "Dad".
Brennan: Well, I'm not going to. Ever. Even if there's a fire! Robert better not get in my face... 'cause I'll drop that motherfucker.
Nancy: Jesus, Brennan.
Brennan: Where did he go to medical school?
Nancy: He went to Northwestern and Johns Hopkins, is that good enough for you?
Brennan: No, it’s not.
Nancy: Well, Brennan, those are very prestigious schools.
Brennan: I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.
Nancy: You don't know anyone named Johnny Hopkins.
Brennan: It was Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering. And they were blazing that shit up every day.
Dale: Why are you so sweaty?
Brennan: I was watching Cops.
Dale: Not supposed to have your feet on the couch.

(After they both discussed things in common)

Brennan: Did we just become best friends?
Dale: Yep!
Brennan: Do you wanna do Karate in the garage?
Dale: Yep!
Dale: (Is inside of the hole) What are you doing?
Brennan: (As he's shoveling dirt on Dale) I'm burying you!
Dale: (Sobbing) But I'm alive! Brennan, I'm alive!
Brennan: (Continues burying him) You're waking the neighbors! Shut up!!
Dale: No!
Brennan: Now I'm gonna play your drum set!
Dale: Help me!
Brennan: Close your eyes. Let the dirt just shower over you.
(Robert turns off TV)
Dale: Dad, what are you doing? It's Shark Week!
Robert: Okay, here's the deal. Number one, you will fix the fucking dry wall, NOW! Number two, you have one month to find jobs you're on your asses. I will arrange interviews for Monday, and you will GO!
Dale: Dad, why are you talking to me like this? I'm your son.
Robert: I'm not buying that crap anymore.

(After their parents had divorced and now live somewhere else, Dale and Brennan are now the only ones in the house, as they are continuing to whisper in bed)

Brennan: Are you awake?
Dale: Yeah. I can't believe we actually have to move out of this house.
Brennan: I know. I feel bad.
Dale: Hey, you know, we don't have to whisper anymore. Mom and Dad aren't here.
Brennan: Yeah, but we keep doing it though. It helps me pretend that they are.
Dale: You must feel just terrible. I mean, I know I feel bad.
Brennan: Yeah.
Dale: But I can't imagine how you feel...after my dad looked right at you and said; "It's all your fault that they broke up."
Brennan: That's funny, because my mom said; "If that curly-headed fuck Dale wasn't here, everything would be perfect."
Dale: (Switches the lamp on) You take that back.
Brennan: No way. It's your fault.
Dale: (He and Brennan get up from their beds) You know what your problem is? You live in a fantasy land, you refuse to get a job, and you don't even know what it's like to work for something!
Brennan: You don't take responsibility for your actions, and that's why this is all your fault!
Dale: Well, you're a mama's boy who's too chicken to sing in public! (Brennan frustratingly walks out of the room) Yeah, that's right. Run away, little boy! You know it's true! Just avoid everything! (Later, he hears drumming sounds) What are you doing?!
Brennan: (singing) "Dale broke up Mom and Dad..."
Dale: MOTHERFUCKER!!

(Dale screams while he runs toward the room where Brennan is playing his drum set; with Brennan distracted, Dale thereupon grabs a cymbal and bashes Brennan in the head with it)

Robert: (About his dream to be a dinosaur) So I thought, I'll be a doctor for a little while...and then go back to that.
Brennan: How is that even a skill?

(Dale finds out that Brennan's brother Derek is conceited and disrespectful)

Dale: (Pops up from the tree house's entrance) You're right about your brother. (climbs inside) Total dick.
Brennan: (Is reading a pornographic magazine) Told you.

(Dale and Brennan, after Dale punched Derek)

Brennan: Hey Derek, you know what's good for shoulder pain?
Derek: What?
Brennan: If you lick my butthole.
Dale: SNAP!! (He and Brennan do a high-five)
Dale: Can we turn our beds into bunk beds?
Brennan: Yes.
Nancy: Why are you guys so sweaty?
Dale: Alright, we've already figured out how to do this, the best match-up perfectly...
Brennan: And here's the thing. It will give us so much extra space in our room to do activities!
Dale: Please say yes.
Robert: You don't need permission from us to build bunk beds. You're adults, you can do what you want.
Dale: So...?
Robert: I'm not making myself clear... I don't give a fuck. Now, you both have several interviews tomorrow. I would think you'd be focused on that and not building bunk beds.
Dale: So...?
Brennan: We can..? No?
Nancy: Yes.
Brennan: Thanks. You guys are not gonna regret it.
Dale: This is the funnest night ever!
Dale: (Regarding the job interviews that occurred) Is my dad mad about the stuff that happened?
Nancy: Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart.
Brennan: Oh, he did?
Nancy: Yeah. You just couldn't hold it, or...?
Dale: No. I thought it was gonna be silent.
Brennan: It was not silent...
Dale: It just kept going...
Brennan: It got louder...
Dale: It made a sound. It was embarrassing...
Brennan: It got louder.
Sporting goods manager: I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind hanging out with for 12 hours a day. You guys seem like cool guys. Got hair similar to mine, you wear tuxedo's to the interview, that's funny, it's ironic, I get that. Underplaying tho whole formality of it. I think that's funny as hell. So...lets do this, you know? You guys are in, you're hired. Unless you're the weirdest guys ever and I don't see it.
Brennan: Great.

(Dale farts for about 10 seconds, shocking the Sporting goods manager)

Sporting goods manager: ...Was that a fart?
Dale: I don't know.
Sporting Goods manager: I can taste it. On my tongue.
Dale: Okay, I'll be honest with you. I did fart.
Sporting Goods manager: Is that onion? Onion and...onion and ketchup. It stinks. This is a small room...
Brennan: Shit.
Sporting Goods manager: Okay, now the tuxedos seem kinda fucked up.
Gardocki: Does butt buddy have a name?
Brennan: If you're referring to me as butt buddy, yes, I do have a name. It's Brennan Huff.
Redheaded Kid: If you don't come over here and lick that white dog shit, I'm gonna plow you into your nose with my fist.
Brennan: I'm not licking any white dog shit.
Dale: I'll lick the dog shit if you leave us alone.
Brennan: Dale, you're not licking dog shit, okay?
Dale: Huh?
Brennan: They're kids.
Dale: But it's just dog shit.
Brennan: It's ridiculous!

(the family is driving home after watching Dale and Brennan's disastrous music video on Robert's boat from Derek's birthday party)

Brennan: So... Big question is, aside from the damage to the boat, which we will fix, what'd you guys think of the presentation?

(Robert is too furious to answer)

Nancy: (measured tone) Brennan, I think that what you did to Robert's boat was horrid. Having said that, I think that both of you boys showed a lot of enthusiasm and inventiveness.
Brennan: Yes, thank you.
Robert: (to Nancy) You gotta be kidding me. They destroyed our dream and you're calling it inventive.
Nancy: No, no, no. I didn't mean it like that.
Robert: Yes, you did. Yes, you did. Come on, you did. It's gonna be four years, at least, before we can sail anywhere. And you could care less, admit it.
Nancy: (offended) I will not admit that, because it is not true.
Robert: Oh, yeah.
Nancy: But, you know, I do think that you could show a little bit more attentiveness to your son and your stepson who obviously need you.
Brennan: It's true, Dr. Doback. You've been very cold and unsupportive of our dreams.
Robert: (to Brennan) You wrecked my fucking boat, you goon!
Nancy: Don't speak to my son like that!
Robert: Your son's costing me $80,000.
Dale: Look, we could bicker about this all night, but what's done is done, Dad. Are you guys gonna invest or not?
Robert: That's it! That's it!
Dale: Dad, the wheel!

(Robert lets go of the wheel so he can lean over into the backseat and begins attacking Dale and Brennan and is furious at them for destroying his boat as they all come back home)

Dale: Dad, I can't believe you're being so stingy!
Nancy: Robert, come back down!
Brennan: It's a simple business decision!
Robert: You jagaloons! You're failures! FAILURES! Yeah!
Brennan: Hey, you're embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck!
Nancy: (Shocked) Brennan.
Brennan: Two things! You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother! She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000!
Nancy: Oh, stop it.
Brennan: Or we're gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass!
Nancy: Brennan!
Brennan: You can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!

(at the house, the whole family is having a Christmas dinner)

Derek: So I just drove off, I started going on my way to Chad Michael Murray’s Christmas party. I think that was the year. And just driving…
Nancy: May I interrupt you? Robert, while the children are in the living room, I think this would be a good time to make our announcement.
Dale: What’s going on?
Robert: It's over. I'm gonna be moving in with my friend, Jack Handle, and Nancy found a townhouse in the city.
(Dale and Brennan get confused)
Brennan: What is this? What’s happening?
Nancy: What Robert is trying to say is that we are getting a divorce.
Brennan: Don't do this.
Dale: No. No!
Derek: I gotta say, I could've called this one. Yeah.
Brennan: Is it our fault?
Dale: Is it because we were bad?
Nancy: No, that’s the main thing that Robert and I talked about is that we did not want you two to blame yourselves.
Dale: What can we do to fix it?
Alice: Dale, honey, are you okay?
Derek: Why are you calling him "honey"?
Nancy: I cannot stress this enough. It is not your fault.
Dale: Whose fault is it? Oh, I wanna fucking know!
Robert: Let's cut this shit, it is-it is directly your fault.
Nancy: Robert--
(Robert holds his neck in pain)
Robert: (to Dale and Brennan on why it's their fault for divorcing Nancy) You destroyed my boat, you beat me up in your sleep, and worst of all, you made Nancy and I resent each other. It is absolutely 150% your fault!
Derek: Of course it's their fault. They're the two biggest dickheads in the world, and they're living in your house.
Nancy: (Annoyed) Shut up, Derek.
Derek: I'm sorry, but--
(Brennan starts sobbing)
Brennan: Listen, I know we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me, against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.
Dale: I would follow you into the mists of Avalon, if that's what you mean.
Dale: (To Brennan, believing he touched his drum set) Hey, man. Did you touch my drum set?
Brennan: Nope.
Dale: It's just weird 'cause...it seems like someone definitely touched my drum set.
Brennan: Yeah, that is weird, 'cause I didn't touch em'.
Dale: (Throws Brennan's feet off the couch) Hey! (Angrily) Did you touch my drum set?!
Brennan: Hey, knock it off!
Dale: I know you touched my drum STICK. 'Cause the left one has a chip in it!
Brennan: Are you fucking crazy, man? You sound insane. Do you realize that? You should be medicated.
Dale: Fuck you, Brennan! I know you touched my drum set, and I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it!
Brennan: You get outta my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass!
Dale: You swear on your mom's life you didn't touch it then?!
Brennan: I don't have to swear to shit!
Dale: That's 'cause you fucking touched my drum set, 'cause I KNOW, Cops doesn't start till 4:00!
Brennan: (Begins to leave the living room)
Dale: Where you going?
Brennan: I'm going upstairs. Cause I'm gonna put my nutsack on your drum set! Okay!? (He walks upstairs)
Dale: Don't you do that! I am WARNING you right now! If you touch my drums, I will stab you, IN THE NECK, WITH A KNIFE!


Robert: That's enough ketchup... Come on, Dale. (Pounds the table)
Dale: I like it!
Robert: That's enough.
Nancy: (As Brennan takes a small bowl of sauce from the table) Dale, I don't know if you...you might wanna try this. I make a sauce, we call it "fancy sauce"...
Brennan: (Begins pouring the sauce on his meal) For me.
Nancy: ...That Brennan really likes with his chicken nuggets.
Brennan: It's my fancy sauce.
Nancy: Well, when Brennan finishes I'll give you some of this, and its...its just ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together, so..
Brennan: Its so good.
Dale: I want some fancy sauce.
Brennan: I'm not done using it.
Robert: Looks good.
Dale: Can I have some fancy sauce?
Nancy: Of course, of course.
Brennan: I'm using it right now
Nancy: So, let's let him try some. You wanna try some, Dale?
Dale: Yeah, I really would like some.
Brennan: Just one last spoonful. (Stops pouring the fancy sauce)
Nancy: Hey, I think you've got enough there, Brennan. So here you go. It's ketchup and mayonnaise.
Dale: Thanks. (Sniffs the sauce) Ugh! I don't like it. It smells weird.
Nancy: Okay.
Robert: I'll try some.
Nancy: You want some?
Robert: Sure, absolutely.
Nancy: Okay. You don't mind do you Brennan?
Brennan: No. (Brennan stops Robert from taking the sauce with his hand)
Nancy: Brennan..
Brennan: I'm not comfortable...
Robert: It's okay. It's probably not good on fish, anyway.
Dale: But my dad's king of the castle, so if he want fancy sauce, he should...
Robert: No, it's all right, Dale...
Brennan: Well, if he wants fancy sauce, he can make his own batch.
Nancy: (To Brennan) So you know what? Today while you were driving around, Dale was telling me that he's really into Kung Fu, and I was telling him that you're really into Kung Fu as well.
Brennan: I have a green belt...read it and weep.
Dale: I don't believe in belts. There should be no ranking system for toughness. But one time, I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with my bare hands.
Robert: That's not true Dale, don't be ridiculous. (Dale looks down)
Nancy: So, Dale what have you been working on recently?
Dale: Well...I manage a baseball team.
Nancy: Little League?
Dale: Fantasy League.

(Brennan is staring at Dale while he eats)

Dale: Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.
Robert: Why don't you stop being so... confrontational, Dale?
Dale: I'm not the one staring at me!
Robert: So, Brennan, what about you? I know you used to work at PetSmart.
Brennan: That's right Mr. Doback.
Robert: Call me Robert.
Brennan: That's right, Robin.
Robert: Robert.
Brennan: (Under his breath) ....Robin.
Nancy: Actually, Brennan is a really talented person. He's a very gifted singer.
Brennan: I'm really really good.
Dale: How good?
Brennan: I've been called, "the song bird, of my generation"...THAT good.
Nancy: The only thing is, Brennan's very... particular about who he sings in front of so... I'm his mom, for example, and I've only heard him sing... twice.
Dale: That's funny that you say that, because I can sing too. In fact, I'll sing right now. (Singing) If you wanna get down on these hairy balls...
Robert: HEY!
Dale: Why don't you jump right in? It's a crotch party right up in here!
Robert: Stop it!
Dale: Why don't you suck on this big john?
Robert: Stop it, Dale! Stop it, stop it!
Brennan: (Sarcastically) That's cute. I remember when I had my first beer.
Dale: (Sarcastically laughs) That's so funny the last time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.
Pam: (Interviewing Brennan) Well, Brennan you certainly have had a lot of jobs.
Brennan: I'm a bit of a spark plug...and, Human Resources Lady, I think...
Pam: You know, actually, it's Pam.
Brennan: I'm sorry. Well, Pan...
Pam: No, my name is PAM.
Brennan: Are you saying Pam? or Pan?
Pam: I'm saying Pam. Yeah, I'm sorry, who is this gentlemen behind you? (Dale pokes his head out from behind Brennan)
Dale: Hello, Ms. Lady! I'm Dale, I'm Brennan's stepbrother, and I think I may be able to help with the Pan-Pam dilemma.
Brennan: Yeah, that'd be great.
Dale: Pan.
Pam: Pam.
Brennan: Pand...There's a D on the end.
Dale: With an M.
Pam: There's no D. it's Pam.
Dale: It's like "Comb" except P-A-N-M. N-N. There's two N's.
Brennan: Two M's. That was the confusion.

(Later...)

Pam: I think we've had enough...
Brennan: Shush up for one second. Shut your mouth. Wait. Shut your mouth.
Pam: I'm sorry what did you say?
Brennan: You're just coming off stupid.
Pam: Oh. I'm coming off stupid? You're wearing tuxedos to a job that requires you to clean bathrooms! Please leave this office. We're done with this interview.
Brennan: Do we get any kind of souvenir?
Pam: Get out of my office!!

(While playing Brennan & Dale's music video "Boats 'N Hoes")

Brennan: The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria. I'll do you in the bottom while you're drinking sangria!
Dale: Nachos and Lemonheads...
Both: ...on my dad's boat!
Dale: You won't go down, 'cause my dick can float!
Brennan: We sail around the world, and go port to port. Every time I "cum" I produce a quart.
Nancy: That is offensive, Brennan, Dale.
Brennan: Deadliest Catch without the crabs, we're almost out of gas...
Both: Call the Arabs!
Background voice: Boats and hoes, boats and hoes, I gotta have me my boats and hoes...

(At the Catalina Wine Mixer)

Randy: (To Brennan) Not bad. You're nailing it.
Brennan: Thanks, Randy. That means a lot.
Randy: Yeah. I don't know what it is, but I wanna deliver one of these (Holds up fist) right into your suckhole.
Brennan: Is there anything I can do?
Randy: No, not really. It's your face. Again, you're doing great, man, The Catalina Wine Mixer. We're all having a great time, having fun. You pulled it off...but if you don't change your face... I'm gonna change it for you.
Brennan: Okay, okay. All I can do is take that in, consider it...And I'll just do my best version of whatever I think that would be.
Randy: I don't even hear you, your face is driving me nuts.
Brennan: Thanks again, though.
Randy: (Distracted) Oh tits, hold on. (Walks away)
Nancy: Today, I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon. You yelled "rape" at the top of your lungs.
Brennan: Mom, I honestly thought I was going to be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes, and at one point he said, "Let's get it on".
Dale: That was about the fighting! I'm so not a raper!
Brennan: Look, I didn’t touch your drum set, okay?
Dale: I witnessed with my eyes your testicles touching my drum set.
Robert: All right, that’s it! That’s it! You two guys leave me no choice. No television for a week.
Dale and Brennan: WHAT?!
Nancy: We are so serious, guys. (takes the remote)
Brennan: You’re fucking high!
Dale: Are you out of your mind!?
Nancy: This goes in Robert’s wall safe…
Brennan: Come on!
Nancy: And it’s gonna stay there.
Dale: No!
Robert: Okay.
Brennan: This house is a fucking prison!
Dale: On planet bullshit!
Brennan: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!
Dale: Dad. We're men, okay? That means a few things; we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we like to go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That's what we do. And now that is all wrecked.
Robert: (Thinks for a minute) We literally have never done any of those things.

(As Dale and Brennan are whispering to each other in bed)

Dale: Hey. Are you awake?
Brennan: Yeah.
Dale: I just want you to know I hate you. So does my dad.
Brennan: Well, that’s fine. ‘Cause guess what? I hate you too. And this house sucks ass.
Dale: The only reason you're living here is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.
Brennan: Who's the retard?
Dale: You.
Brennan: (Loudly) Hey ya'll don't say that!
Dale: Shut up! You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded.
Brennan: (Softly) Just shut up.
Dale: You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learn-ed doctors.
Brennan: You're not a doctor... You're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck.
Dale: (Turns towards Brennan) Oh, yeah?
Brennan: (Turns towards Dale) Yeah.
Dale: I'm a curly-headed fuck?
Brennan: Yeah. You better not go to sleep. As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna punch you square in the face.
Dale: I hope you stay still when you sleep... because I'm putting a rat trap between your legs.
Brennan: I'm gonna take a pillow case... and fill it... full of bars of soap, and beat the shit out of you. (Dale turns away from Brennan)
Dale: I want you out of my fucking house.
Brennan: No way, Kemosabe. This is my house now.
Dale: Alright, here's a scenario for you, Dad. Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good. I've got a luscious V of hair going from my chest pubes down to my ball-fro. And she takes one look at me, and she goes: "Oh my God. I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf." And she grabs me by the wiener--
Robert: Shut the fuck up!!
Brennan: Listen. Mom...Mr. Doback.
Robert: Don't call me Mr. Doback.
Brennan: Ok...Mom, Doback.
Brennan: Your drum set's a whore! I tea bagged your fucking drum set!
Dale: Well, my drum set's a guy, so that makes you gay, you fucker!

(Dale and Brennan have returned to the school playground, this time by helicopter, where they have come for their revenge on the children that once tortured them)

Gardocki: Well, if it isn't Dale Doback and his little butt-buddy.
Brennan: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I'm gonna kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!
Gardocki: LET'S GET THEM!! (The children and Dale and Brennan begin charging at each other, resulting in a fight)

(In the "Extended Version"; after Dale and Brennan had defeated the schoolchildren and Gardocki, who tries to run away, but is held back by Dale and Brennan)

Dale: Where do you think you're going?
Brennan: (with Dale) Huh?
Gardocki: Home.
Dale: We got something to show you.
Brennan: Come on. (Later, they torture Gardocki with white dog excrement, as Brennan is holding him by the neck) You see that white dog crap?!
Dale: Do you see it?!
Gardocki: Yeah!
Dale: Not too fun down there, is it?!
Gardocki: No!
Brennan: You see, your actions have consequences!
Dale: When you oppress people, they rise up in a fiery anger!!
Brennan: (releases Gardocki, who runs away in defeat) Go home!
Dale: We're not like you! We're grownups, motherfucker!
Brennan: Say "hi" to your dad! We went to high school together!

Cast

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