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Stealing Harvard

2002 American crime comedy film directed by Bruce McCulloch

Stealing Harvard is a 2002 American crime comedy film about John, an overly honest man who attempts to execute a heist in order to finance his niece's first year at Harvard University due to a spur-of-moment-promise.

Directed by Bruce McCulloch and written by Peter Tolan and co-screenplay adapted with Martin Hynes.
Their intentions were honorable. Their methods were criminal.(taglines)

John

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  • Elaine never liked my sister Patty. Maybe it was because Patty was a free spirit. I say free spirit because I'm uncomfortable calling my own sister... sexually indescriminate trailer trash.
  • Nothing could hold a candle to the fetish crime I just endured.
  • We've been banging together like a pair of cymbals in an overworked marching band.

Duff

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  • See those dead plants? I planted those.
  • I wanted to scope the place out. I was hungry so I decided to heat up a brick of cheese. I need my cheese.
  • Elaine... I like her. I like her a lot, John. But she's a bitch! She's a dirty, dumb bitch.
  • [After having been humped by a dog] It's a good thing your here officers, because a crime has just been committed.
  • Okay, just so we're all on the same page, I'm flying right now! Angel Dust! So lets keep it real, boys, keep it real and no bodys getting hurt.
  • I'm not liquid... I'm not... liquid.
  • All right American beef cattle, just stay calm, and you'll all get to go home to your precious TV dinners!
  • The branch! Swing from the branch Rickey!
  • We're going skiing.

John's Grandmother

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  • Who do you think I am, Albert fuckin' Trump?

Detective Charles

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  • I urge you to drop it.

David Loach

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  • Why is anybody talking?

Mr. Warner

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  • This guy is a lump.

Dialogue

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Duff's Mom: Hi John how's your parents?
John: Dead, still.
Duff: We should make up some fake names.
John: Why?
Duff: Just in case we have to communicate while we're inside.
John: OK.
Duff: I wanna be Kyle. I knew this guy at camp. He was maybe 13. He got two girls pregnant, man. Two girls pregnant. Yea, Kyle. Who you gonna be?
John: Steve...
Duff: Steve.
John: Yeah.
Duff: Okay, Steve.
John: Okay, Kyle. [Continues walking with Duff]
Duff: Wait.
John: What?
Duff: I wanna change. I wanna be Steve.
John: I'm Steve; You're Karl.
Duff: Kyle!
Duff: Maybe we can use slingshots to rob the place.
John: A slingshot is not a real weapon, Duff.
Duff: Oh, yeah? Well maybe you'd like to define the word "weapon' for me while this plastic doll smashes into your temple at 180 miles per hour.
Elaine: [Whispers] He's an asshole.
Duff: Mmm... casserole.
Elaine: I said asshole.
Duff: I heard casserole!
John: Dave! John Plummer. Remember? You used to call me "asshole"?
David Loach: I call everybody "asshole."
John: Yes, but I believe I was the first. We were five, maybe six at the time?
David Loach: Congratulations, asshole. Now get to the point.
John: [Coming out of his house] Why didn't you just ring the door bell?
Duff: [Whispering] I didn't wanna wake Elaine.
Duff: I'm not goin' in.
John: What?
Duff: Someone has to watch in case he comes home.
John: I thought you said he was going to be out all night.
Duff: He *will* be out all night.
John: Then why do we need a look-out?
Duff: We don't. Just go in.
John: You go in.
Duff: Look, I'm not the one that needs the money. Why should I assume the risk?
John: What risk?
Duff: There is no risk. [John displays his face of annoyance and shakes his head] Just go!
Mr. Warner: I'm gonna give you a few seconds of immunity here. Now, if you have slept with her, you tell me here, you tell me now, and we'll let it go... have you slept with my daughter?
John: Mr. Warner... I have never slept with Elaine
Mr. Warner: Good! Goddammit that's good! Because if you had John, I was gonna kick your balls up into your head and let 'em rattle around in your skull like dice in a Yahtzi cup. Have a good one!
Detective Charles: I turned 40 last week. Do you know what I did? I got my colon scoped by Dr. Spencer. Do you know what he told me? He said "Detective Charles, you have one of the cleanest rectums I've ever seen." and do you know why? During my quiet time here at work I use a toothbrush that I have here in my desk to get to the really hard to find spots... just for a really good scrubbin'... you guys think you're so smart don't you?
Duff: No.
Detective Charles: The way you made those surveillance tapes just... disappear? You just... got rid of 'em some how...
John: What tapes?
Detective Charles: Will you do me a personal favor son?
John: Sure.
Detective Charles: Don't ever play ME... like a flute... OK? Because see, you two idiots got real lucky, I don't have enough to keep you here. But mark my words gentlemen... I mean... you're goin' down. I mean... you're either goin' down... or by God I'm gonna' take you down. But either way... once you're down? [Picks up a paper weight and slams it on his desk three times] YOU'LL STAY DOWN! YOU'LL STAY DOWN! YOU... WILL... STAY DOWN! [Throws paper weight] Now get up and get out! [Repeatedly] Get up! get out! ...go get up and go! [Loud whistle] Don't touch my door!
John: Duff? Don't you think you're taking a little bit too much off the top?
Duff: John, I know what I'm doing okay. I've got to taper it so the sunlight reaches the lower leaves during the growing season!
John: what about that string there?
Duff: ...the string is a guide John. It's just a guide!

Cast

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Tagline

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  • A comedy about doing the wrong things... for the right reasons.
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