Stardust Memories

Stardust Memories is a 1980 film in which while attending a retrospect of his work, a filmmaker recalls his life and his loves: the inspirations for his films.

Written and directed by Woody Allen.

Sandy Bates

I took one course in existential philosophy at, uh, at New York University, and on, uh, on the final... they gave me ten questions, and, uh, I couldn't answer a single one of 'em. You know? I left 'em all blank... I got a hundred.

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.

I don't know much about classic music. For years I thought the Goldberg Variations were something Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg tried on their wedding night.

To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.

Other

Female fan: [to Bates] Will you autograph my left breast?

Dialogue

Dorrie: That aftershave. It just made my whole childhood come back with a sudden Proustian rush.

Sandy Bates: Yeah? That's 'cause I'm wearing Proustian Rush by Chanel. It's-it's reduced. I got a vat of it.

Fan : Can I talk to you about an idea for a film I have?

Sandy Bates: This is not the place.

Fan: Do you have a moment, please? It's a comedy based on that whole Guyana mass suicide.

Fan: My mother buys meat in the same butcher shop your mother does.

Sandy Bates: Oh, great.

Fan: Can I have your autograph?

Sandy Bates: Oh, jeez.

Fan: Could you just write: "To Phyllis Weinstein, you unfaithful, lying bitch."

Sandy Bates: Shouldn't I stop making movies and do something that counts, like-like helping blind people or becoming a missionary or something?

Martian: Let me tell you, you're not the missionary type. You'd never last. And-and incidentally, you're also not Superman; you're a comedian. You want to do mankind a real service? Tell funnier jokes.

Vivian Orkin: In this film, he played the part of God.

Ghost of Sandy Bates: This was not easy, folks, because, uh, you know, I-I-I didn't know what the hell I was doing, and I don't have a good voice for God.

Vivian Orkin: And he received an Academy Award for his convincing portrayal of God... although they had to use another actor's voice.

Question Askers-Screening: Some people have claimed that your films are narcissistic.

Sandy Bates: Yes, many people have said that about me over the years, but I don't think it's true. If I were to say which Greek God I take after, I would definitely not say Narcissus.

Question Askers-Screening: Who would you say?

Sandy Bates: Zeus.

UFO Follower: What have you got against intellectuals?

Sandy Bates: Intellectuals? Nothing, why?

UFO Follower: Mr. Bates, I've seen all your films. You really feel threatened by them.

Sandy Bates: Threatened? You're kidding me. I've always said they're like the mafia. They only kill their own.