St. Elsewhere

television series

St. Elsewhere (1982–1988) was an American TV show, airing on NBC, about St. Eligius Hospital, located in a low-income area of Boston. Rundown for years, the facility earned the nickname 'St. Elsewhere' because of a reputation as a dumping ground. Under stressful conditions, the staff tries their best to sort out patients and their own busy lives.

Season 1


Pilot [1.01]

Dr. Ehrlich: Dr. Craig. Napoleon had nothing on that guy. Every time I just think of him, I get my palms sweaty.

Dr. Ehrlich: My Aunt Charisse is in from Forestville, California.
Dr. Morrison: Wine country?
Dr. Ehrlich: What can I say, she's into grapes. She wants to take me out for an evening on the town. Anything I want to do. All I want to do is sleep. How do you ask your aunt to sleep with you?

Dr. Craig: [to Westphall] Do you know what people call this place? Not St. Eligius, St. Elsewhere! A dumping ground, a place you wouldn't want to send your mother-in-law!

Dr. Fiscus: Dr. Samuels has VD. Word is he's infected half the staff, Wendy.
Dr. Armstrong: Don't look at me. I never went out with him.
Dr. Fiscus: That's what they all say.

Dr. Ehrlich: Anything else I can do for you out in the free world?
Dr. Morrison: Drop in on my wife. Tell her I'm alive and being held captive at St. Eligius.

Bypass [1.02]

Dr. Craig: I cut when I'm ready! Not tonight, not tomorrow, today!

Dr. Craig: Mr Broadwater. How are we this morning?
Mr. Broadwater: Feelin' pretty good.
Dr. Craig: Well, I have some good news, and I have some bad. Two of the major vessels to your heart, the left anterior descending artery, and the circumflex artery, are 90% obstructed.
Mr. Broadwater: [stunned] But I feel fine.
Dr. Craig: You didn't feel "fine" when you had those chest pains walking up a flight of stairs, now did you?
Mr. Broadwater: Did I have a heart attack?
Dr. Craig: No, but when we put you on the treadmill, your electrocardiogram indicated ischemia. And the angiography - do you remember when we put the dye through the heart? Revealed obstructions... VERY serious obstructions.
Mr. Broadwater: [clutches his chest, breathing heavily] 90% obstructed?
Dr. Craig: [holds up a long rubber tube] Let me show you something, Mr Broadwater - what does this look like to you?
Mr. Broadwater: A rubber tube.
Dr. Craig: Arteries are tubes. They carry the blood and oxygen from the heart. Now, bear with me. If we obstruct the flow of blood and oxygen to the brain... [ties a tight knot in the tube] What do you think happens?
Mr. Broadwater: [gets up unsteadily] I-I don't believe this. I'm only 40 years old here. Doc, you...
Dr. Craig: [curtly, shouting] You're fat. You smoke. Your father died of a heart attack when he was 42.
Mr. Broadwater: But Doctor, there must be SOMETHING...
Dr. Craig: You are walking a tightrope, Mr Broadwater. If it isn't the stairs today, it'll be washing the car tomorrow, or bouncing your little boy on your knee - or, if you're lucky, when you're sleeping.
Mr. Broadwater: [sits back down weakly] Ohhhh, my dear God.
Dr. Craig: Now, for the good news. [pause] I'm going to save you.
Mr. Broadwater: How?
Dr. Craig: Triple bypass.
Mr. Broadwater: Surgery?
Dr. Craig: [nods firmly] We'll give you a few moments to think about it, notify your loved ones. Do I have your complete cooperation? [holds out his hand]
Mr. Broadwater: [shakes it half-heartedly] I guess so.
Dr. Craig: Excellent.
[shakes Broadwater's hand, snaps the file shut, and breezes back out without further comment]

Dr. Ehrlich: [as his beeper goes off] The hours, oh, the hours. I used to fantasize about sex. Now, all I dream about is sleep. Losing my rabbit impulses...

Dr. Craig: [talking to media] I am sick of this hospital snidely referred to as 'St. Elsewhere'. Let me tell you something, St. Eligius isn't elsewhere. This is the place to be!

Down's Syndrome [1.03]

Dr. Beale: You know, they say that paranoids make the very best chess players because with every move, they naturally assume that their opponent is out to get them.

Dr. Fiscus: [referring to his girlfriend Cathy Martin] She's crazy about me! I keep telling her it's only a sexual relationship and nothing more!
Dr. Ehrlich: That's good! Women are suckers for integrity.

Dr. White: We're lucky to have Auschlander around to discuss these things.
Dr. Fiscus: Yeah, it's like Marie Antoinette talking about the inner mechanism of the guillotine.

Dr. Auschlander: I'm 72 years old now and dying of cancer. Ironic, isn't it? A distinguished liver man like myself betrayed by his own liver. With the radiation and the chemotherapy I'd have a slightly better chance, but the nausea, diarrhea, stomach cramps... I'd be septicemic from the skin infections...The slightest cold could easily turn into pneumonia and finish me off in a week...
Dr. Westphall: What are you going to do?
Dr. Auschlander: I'm not sure.
Dr. Westphall: You know what I think?
Dr. Auschlander: Tell me.
Dr. Westphall: You should see a doctor.
[Auschlander laughs]

Cora and Arnie [1.04]

Dr. Beale: [to Reinhardt] You lack a good, healthy fear of life, Andrew. That's why it's so easy for you to take the lives of others. You have been sheltered and protected for so long that you feel invincible. Well, that sense of invincibility is an illusion.

Dr. Fiscus: Henry Kissinger said it was power... The Marquis de Sade favored whips and chains... Samuels claims it's a thirty to one shot at Suffolk Downs... And speaking for myself and the Urban Psychiatric Institute, the greatest aphrodisiac in the history of Man is high heels.
Nurse: Baloney!
Dr. Fiscus: That ranks second.

Dr. Morrison: You'll die.
Cora: [softly] And what if you're wrong? How about that, hm?
Dr. Morrison: I'm not wrong.
Cora: Well, suppose you're not. If not... [sadly] ... No big loss.

Samuels and the Kid [1.05]

Dr. Westphall: Sometimes, I fear I'm not too liked around here.
Dr. Craig: Oh now, Donald, it's all right. I'm not out to win any popularity contests. The work what's important, not the recognition...
Dr. Westphall: Absolutely right.
Dr. Craig: Even though I should have won last year.

Nurse Skilling: My, my, the monsters our children have become! Remember your roots, Doctor Chandler. It was not too long ago the cotton you were picking wasn't from an aspirin bottle!

Dr. Fiscus: [looking around hospital mortuary] It's hard to be comfortable in a room where everybody else is so stiff.

Dr. Ehrlich: Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.
Dr. Fiscus: Well, I guess you didn't hear then.
Dr. Ehrlich: Hear? Hear what?
Dr. Fiscus: They recalled your class at Brookline Memorial. Instead of teaching you anatomy, they gave you a course on home heating. The bus leaves for the West Coast about nine o'clock.

Dr. Samuels: Yeah, next thing you're going to want to know how to pick up girls. Right?
Kid: That's easy. You tell them what they want to hear.
[Nurse Rosenthal throws a disapproving glance at Samuels]
Dr. Samuels: I didn't teach him that. I swear. It's intuitive.

Legionnaires (1) [1.06]

Dr. Fiscus: Ehrlich, sitting on concrete, holding a stick with a string dangling in the water and ducking into the woods every time a cop car passes is not fun. Cardiac arrest in the middle of REM sleep, that's fun. Ah, a wino with an EEG of two spikes, that's fun.

Dr. Wade: Nice dress. You know, I've never seen you wear white.
Dr. Martin: I'm going to a funeral.
Dr. Wade: Cathy, usually people wear black to a funeral.
Dr. Martin: I've noticed that.

Dr. Craig: You know, that Cummings kid may be a good hospital administrator, but sometimes he can be a real hard nose. I don't like people like that.

Legionnaires (2) [1.07]

Dr. Beale: My uncle Jumbo once said 'Never buy anything from a man who could someday operate on you'.

Dr. Beale: [talking about Jane to Westphall] She spent one very passionate afternoon in the arms of a total stranger and now she's three months pregnant. The problem is, she's only been out of here for two months. Somebody stole the cookies from the cookie jar.

H.J. Cummings: I'm starting to get the impression that you resent taking responsibility for your actions.
Dr. Westphall: No, that's not true at all. I may have overlooked some administrative procedures. I'm sorry if I did but seven people are resting comfortably in isolation right now, three of whom might be dead at this time if we hadn't acted when we did. If I had to do it over, nothing would change.

Nurse Rosenthal: Tell me this chaos will end.
Nurse Daniels: This chaos will end.
Nurse Rosenthal: I don't believe you.

Dr. Beale: [to Westphall] Donald, don't let this stuff get you down. As Coach Bum Phillips once said of Earl Campbell, "You may not be the only one in your class, but it sure wouldn't take long to call roll."

Tweety and Ralph [1.08]

Dr. Cavanero: [upon noticing Ben's cut lip] What happened to you?
Dr. Samuels: Well, today, I learned that Craig can't take a joke and I can't take a punch.

Rain [1.09]

Murray Robbin: You know something, you're a jerk!
Dr. Fiscus: Actually, I'm Lithuanian.

Dr. Craig: [to Ehrlich] Now, I'm going to give you a little motto that the head of surgery, Dr. David Domedian, said to me in my residency: " Going into surgery, wash your hands. When you're coming out, watch your hands ".

Nurse Rosenthal: [seeing water leak from ceiling into bucket on floor] I don't do floors and I don't do ceilings.

Hearts [1.10]

Dr. Craig: Listen, Ehrlich, surgeons are like the marines. A few good men and you have to be special to cut it! Sniveling and whining doesn't cut it!

Dr. Paxton: I once gave this lecture to a group of teenagers in Cleveland and I said that the best method of birth control was this girl raises her head and asks if it comes in liquid form 'cause she has trouble swallowing pills.

Graveyard [1.11]

Dr. Morrison: I'm trained as a doctor, not as a faith healer.

Dr. Samuels: He's not dead until I say he's dead!

Dr. Samuels: You still don't forgive me for leaving you?
Dr. Paxton: Oh, I forgive you, sure. It's a lot harder to forget.

Release [1.12]

Dr. White: What I did to those people today, what you made me do to those people today was cruel. I've been trying to rationalize it all day in my head but I can't. I raped those people, is what I did. I feel like I was raped myself.
Dr. Weaver: Look, mate, those are the rules of the game. If you don't like it, don't play!

Dr. Craig: It may come as a shock to you, Ehrlich, but you're a doctor, not a delivery boy! No wonder you're four steps behind all the surgery residents around here. You're too busy studying to be an orderly!

Family History [1.13]

Dr. Westphall: Wendy, diagnosis is less of a gamble if you start at the beginning.

Bob Overland: [to Craig] You know, there's one thing that you can't do and that's to make new old friends. They're a lot like hearts. It's not that easy to replace them.

Remission [1.14]

Dr. Auschlander: I'm not a child to be clucked over and cared for! I'm not an invalid to be whispered about behind my back! I know better than anyone what's going on inside my body! Please, have the decency to pay me that respect! I've treated hundreds of cases like mine before!

Dr. Daniels: Fiscus, put on your apron! You got a customer.
Dr. Fiscus: Clients, Daniels. Butchers have customers, physicians have clients.
Dr. Daniels: That's what I mean.

Dr. Kochar: [talking to Ehrlich holding a KFC bucket] Victor, would you like chicken part? They do chicken right.

Monday, Tuesday, Sven's Day [1.15]

Dr. Fiscus: Dr. Cavanero, I see you're working the halls like everyone else. [gesturing to prostitutes gathered in the hallway] Don't get caught under any red lights.

Dr. Kochar: [looking at woman on operating table] She doesn't look like a prostitute.
Dr. Samuels: Come on, Vijay. We're all selling something. It's just a matter of setting the price.

Dr. Morrison: I guess I never had to be concerned with the big issues of race relations. I always dealt with people one on one. I mean, we're friends aren't we? [silence] Aren't we?
Dr. Chandler: Look, Jack, I'd like to say "Sure. No problem. We're friends. Everything's fine." But I can't. There's things you'll never understand because you're white. I'm not trying to pass judgment but there are things you'll never understand about your wife because she's a woman.
Dr. Morrison: Yeah, but she's still my wife and we're still friends.

[Dr. Ehrlich is hung over after getting embarrassingly drunk at a party thrown by Dr. Craig]
Dr. Craig: I went to a lot of trouble, Ehrlich, and you let me down. Now, I can understand you being nervous or uncomfortable and I've been known to hoist a few in my time but what disappoints me the most is that you are on call today. And I don't think you're capable of doing the work.
Dr. Ehrlich: But I am.
Dr. Craig: Your responsibility is to your patients, damn it. Twenty four hours a day. I thought you were the brightest. I thought you were the best. Now, I'm not so sure any more. [pause] I'll be down in five minutes. I'll drive you to the hospital. :[Mark exits as Ellen walks towards Ehrlich]
Ellen Craig: Just ignore him, Victor. That's what I do.

The Count [1.16]

Dr. Craig: If you act with authority, people will tell you anything.

Dr. Craig: Your pool was paid for by Crestline, the same corporation that makes the pacemakers that you use exclusively.
Willie Andrews: That's right.
Dr. Craig: Well now, that might not be a felony, Larry, but at the very least it's a conflict of interest and I know it's more than that. It's a bribe, Larry. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to go after you with everything that I've got. It may take day or a month or a year but I'm going to get you unless you save me the trouble.
Willie Andrews: And...?
Dr. Craig: Get out of my hospital.

Dr. Fiscus: Any communicable diseases?
Nurse: What would you like?

Brothers [1.17]

Dr. Auschlander: My apologies to Hippocrates but sometimes the best cure for all is death.

Dr. Fiscus: Ehrlich, you know what they say about falling off a horse? The same thing goes for a woman.

Dog Day Hospital [1.18]

Barbara Lonicker: [after shooting stereo playing music] I hate rock and roll!!
Dr. Ehrlich: Wipeout....

Dr. Craig: What do you want?
Barbara Lonicker: Justice!

Dr. Craig: He did a good job today, Ehrlich.
Dr. Westphall: Yeah. He seemed to handle himself very well.
Dr. Craig: He really measured up to the situation. You know, I'm tough on him day in, day out. And God knows, everything about him grates like sandpaper; the hair, the clothes, the lingo... But he really came through today. I think I'll keep on cracking the whip.

Working [1.19]

Dr. Westphall: Sometimes, the people closest to a situation have the least amount of insight into it especially when it means they're going to have to recognize something they don't want to see.

Dr. Westphall: [to Anya] Dr. Craig's philosophy is this: The only problem with being on call every other night is that you miss half the interesting cases.

Dr. Auschlander: Now, I know I'm going to die soon and there isn't anything anyone can do about it. But I'd give everything I own, if I could have just one more day... one more minute... to enjoy everything my family has meant to me. And that's why I know... that what you're doing to yourself is absolutely wrong.
Stan Morgen: Yeah, it's easy for you to say but I bet if you died 20 years ago, you'd have still lived a better life than I ever will.
Dr. Auschlander: Life has dealt us both a bad card but you have many more left in the deck and it's only a fool who wouldn't play out his hand.

Dr. Westphall: You know, in the good old days, when medicine was a gentlemanly profession, people didn't sue their doctors. Nowadays, they're awarding all these huge judgments. The legal climate is...
Sam Hendrix: Fertile.

Dr. White: Hey, look. Just because you made a mistake with a patient this morning, don't be carrying that around on your shoulders like that's the last mistake you'll ever make.
Dr. Chandler: Look. You don't anything about the case. You don't know anything about anything, so why don't you just shut the hell up.
Dr. White: Why don't you take it easy?
Dr. Chandler: No, you take it easy. You take it easy. You know, you're in no position to make remarks about anything around here, because you don't know anything.
Nurse Daniels: Dr. Chandler...
Dr. Chandler: You give your patients the wrong antibiotics, you don't know what medications they're on and you write the worst progress notes. You're pathetic. Pathetic! [begins to walk away] And another thing... if it weren't for everybody covering for your mistakes, you would've been gone months ago!

Craig in Love [1.20]

Dr. Cavanero: [to Samuels, who is suffering from a cold] You may be the patient but I am not the cure.

Dr. Beale: Fiscus is regaling us with malpractice horror stories.
Dr. Fiscus: And they're all true.
Dr. Chandler: How come, in all these stories, the hospital never wins?
Dr. Fiscus: Those are the dull ones.

Baron Von Munchausen [1.21]

Dr. Craig: So, Ehrlich lost his first patient today. It won't be the last.
Dr. Westphall: Unfortunately.

Dr. Craig: Man can not live on Bearnaise sauce alone.

Dr. Fiscus: My metabolism thrives on discontent. Inactivity breeds discontent.

Dr. Craig: What is it in my personality that bugs people? That bugs you?
Dr. Westphall: Well, I...
Dr. Craig: Come on, come on. Give it to me straight. Don't pull any punches.
Dr. Westphall: Mark, I... What do you...
Dr. Craig: Right between the eyes.
Dr. Westphall: No, really. I...
Dr. Craig: Come on.
Dr. Westphall: Well, you're a little short on tact.
Dr. Craig: Right.
Dr. Westphall: You're rude.
Dr. Craig: Uh-huh.
Dr. Westphall: Prejudiced.
Dr. Craig: Uh-huh.
Dr. Westphall: You're intolerant of people who don't behave in the way you think they should.
Dr. Craig: [less certain] Right.
Dr. Westphall: Now, don't get me wrong. I like you well enough. I really do but, well, you're really a closed, narrow minded, judgmental human being and I don't...
Dr. Craig: That's enough. Thank you, Donald.

Addiction [1.22]

Dr. Beale: Castody killed himself a couple of hours ago.
Dr. Morrison: What?!
Dr. Beale: He left a note.
Dr. Morrison: What did it say?
Dr. Beale: "I hope the next world is better than this."

Nurse Roberts: The only reason I ever got involved with you is because we had great sex but ever since you started going heavy into drugs, you're damaged goods.
Dr. White: You're all the same!
Nurse Roberts: It took you no time to move in, Peter. It'll take you even less to move out!

Dr. Westphall: Peter, I'm well aware that you've had more problems this year than anybody deserves but I have to tell you the truth. Every time I look at your evaluation, one thing becomes more and more clear to me. You don't seem to be a very good doctor.
Dr. White: Are you telling me you're thinking of dropping me from the residency program?
Dr. Westphall: It's crossed my mind.

Dr. Craig: Ehrlich, I want to talk to you.
Dr. Ehrlich: I'm sorry.
Dr. Craig: What for?
Dr. Ehrlich: I don't know. Just a conditioned response.

Dr. Westphall: You know, we spend so much time in this place dealing with all kinds of sadness that when we get a chance like this to celebrate a new life, it becomes even more cherished. And now that you're all here I want to thank you for your skill, your dedication and your compassion.
Dr. Auschlander: A toast. To life!
Everyone: To life!

Season 2


Ties That Bind [2.01]


Lust Et Veritas [2.02]

Dr. Craig: It's women like that that give the X chromosome a bad name.

Newheart [2.03]

Mitch Hopson: [while being restrained by several medics] Satan's in my throat, he's reaching for my soul!
Luther Hawkins: This guy doesn't need a doctor, he needs an exorcist.

Dr. Ehrlich: [finds Kochar hiding in a supply closet] You just look like my brother did the night before his wedding.
Dr. Kochar: [upset about losing his virginity to Dr. Martin] But for me, there will be no wedding.
Dr. Ehrlich: What do you mean? I rented my sari!
Dr. Kochar: Sorry.

Dr. Kochar: [to Dr. Martin] You're the first naked woman I've seen who wasn't unconscious or dead.

Qui Transtulit Sustinet [2.04]

Dr. Craig: [having just transplanted the heart of Jack's wife into Mrs. Leighton's body] If it's any comfort, your wife has given that woman a second chance. She's a living example of Nina's compassion for others. [pause] I'm sorry.

A Wing and a Prayer [2.05]

Dr. Morrison: You said yourself it was a textbook case of leukemia.
Dr. Auschlander: We're treating a little boy here, not a textbook.

Dr. Auschlander: I'm what you call an agnostic. Do you know what that is?
Joe Dempsey: Someone who doesn't want to be an atheist.

Dr. Armstrong: Why is everybody a union but us?
Dr. Chandler: Because we have a vocation.

Under Pressure [2.06]


Entrapment [2.07]

Dr. Martin: [gushing] I can hardly verbalize it, but ever since the transplant, just the thought of Doctor Craig makes my eyes moist.
Dr. Ehrlich: [sarcastic] Your eyes?

Dr. Craig: I'm a surgeon, not a sex object.

All About Eve [2.08]


AIDS & Comfort [2.09]

Luther Hawkins: Look, the only needle I wanna see is on my stereo. At home. Which is where I'm headed.

A Pig Too Far [2.10]

Dr. Craig: Mr. Brody, what have you been feeding Mr. Bonwit?
Matthew Brody: He wanted to see how it worked.
Dr. Craig: If I ever catch you diagnosing patients around here again, I'll have you arrested for practicing medicine without a license. Do you understand?
Matthew Brody: [Quietly] Yeah.
Dr. Craig: Then you'll see what kind of fun it is playing Pac-Man inside a prison cell.

Blizzard [2.11]

Dr. Ehrlich: [to Dr. Kochar] Thanks a lot, pal. I hope your karma gets stuck in the parking lot.

Hearing [2.12]


In Sickness and in Health [2.13]

Dr. Craig: Ellen! He wrote his name in the snow!
Ellen Craig: So what?
Dr. Craig: Not with his finger!
Ellen Craig: Ooh... Script or print?
Dr. Craig: Print.
Ellen Craig: This I gotta see.

Drama Center [2.14]


Attack [2.15]


After Dark [2.16]


Vanity [2.17]


Equinox [2.18]


The Women [2.19]


Cramming [2.20]

Dr. Cavanero: What's the problem?
Dr. Fiscus: Nothing we can't handle.
Dr. Cavanero: Good, just cut out the bickering.
Dr. Armstrong: Look, she is a loaner, groaner, and there's no reason to tie up a bed.
Dr. Fiscus: Chronic hypochondriasis?
Dr. Armstrong: That's my diagnosis.
Dr. Fiscus: Huh, you covered your rear end. That's always been your greatest strength.

Dr. Craig: Then in short, Dr. Armstrong, you never acknowledged the possibility of a genuine heart condition, in this case, infective endocarditis, which crossed the placenta and triggered premature labor.
Dr. Armstrong: [Struggling to answer the question] I... I... ..
Dr. Fiscus: [Stands to address Dr. Craig, Dr. Westfall, and Dr. Auschlander] To be honest, Mrs. Chambers' valve murmur was almost inaudible. I must have big ears. [Snickers after his joke]
Dr. Craig: Hardly seems the time for wisecracks.
Dr. Fiscus: Sorry.
[Fiscus sits down]
Dr. Armstrong: [Trying to hold back her emotions] I'm having trouble concentrating. I was in court earlier today.
Dr. Westphall: I think we all understand that, Wendy. The point is, had you spotted her condition earlier in the clinic, she could have been put on IV antibiotics.
Dr. Craig: And probably she'd still be carrying that child.

Rough Cut [2.21]

Dr. Craig: [as Dr. Caldwell approaches] A grown man catches it in his fly? Pathetic!

Dr. White: I got the news.
Dr. Westphall: Good, then we don't have anything to talk about.
Dr. White: Yes, we do. I know how good my board scores were and you know the quality of my work has been improving, yet you still torpedoed me.
Dr. Westphall: You got what you deserve.
Dr. White: Even though the jury found me innocent, you're still doling out punishment like you're above the law or something.
Dr. Westphall: What gives you the right? You're the last person on this earth I have to explain myself to.
Dr. White: I'm taking you to court, Westphall. They'll force you to give me a second year. I'll be back! I'll be back.

Nurse Rosenthal: [as Dr. Caldwell is limping in the hallway] Ladies and gentlemen, Hoot Gibson!
Dr. Robert Caldwell: Thanks, Helen!
Dr. Ehrlich: Dr. Caldwell...
Dr. Caldwell: Victor, I don't know if you're coming back for a second year so don't ask.
Dr. Ehrlich: It just so happens I wanna do you a big favor.
Dr. Caldwell: Yeah. What's that?
Dr. Ehrlich: I wanna give some advice on how to keep under control so your sutures will stay in place.
Dr. Caldwell: Mind your own business, Victor.
Dr. Ehrlich: I just wanna help. I know what you're going through. Everybody's gotta wind the watch once in a while.
Dr. Caldwell: Bye, Victor.
Dr. Ehrlich: Okay. [Shaking his head] Gives me the willies.

Hello, Goodbye [2.22]

Ellen Craig: Ok, you've asked how the family is, how your friends are... everybody but your dad and the gardener.
Stephen Craig: How is the gardener?

Dr. Axelrod: Hello, sir, Nice to meet you sir. How's the wife?
Nurse Daniels: [listening, then opens the curtain] Whose wife?
Dr. Axelrod: Westphall's.
Nurse Daniels: Westphall's wife is dead.
Dr. Axelrod: You're kidding! I didn't even know she was sick.
Nurse Daniels: It's been 10 years, Elliot.
Dr. Axelrod: Oh, then I guess I shouldn't send flowers. Thanks for the tip. I would have faux-pauxed myself all over the conference room. Probably blowing my chances of becoming a first-year resident this fall. How do I look?
Nurse Daniels: Here let me straighten your tie. [Adjusts his tie] There's not much I can do with the rest of you.
Dr. Axelrod: I really hate interviews. My hands always get clammy. I mean, what if he asks a question I don't know the answer to? And most important, do you think he'll like me?
Nurse Daniels: Elliot, in the six months since you started your externship in the ER, there's one thing I can say about you. If they're judging on originality, you're a shoe-in.
Dr. Axelrod: Oh, good.

Season 3


Playing God: Part 1 [3.01]

Dr. Ehrlich: Oh, Dr. Craig.
Dr. Craig: What is it, Ehrlich?
Dr. Ehrlich: I've got a problem.
Dr. Craig: Only one, huh? After your haphazard, clumsy, inexcusable performance in the OR today, I'm convinced that you may be here in body, but your mush brains are still on vacation.
Dr. Ehrlich: Fine, well Dr. Swayles...
Dr. Craig: Who?
Dr. Ehrlich: Exactly! He's got admitting privileges here, and I've been assigned one of his patients. You know, I've tried to reach him without any luck. Mrs. Sado's conditioning is deteriorating, and I've got to change her meds fast.
Dr. Craig: Then do it!
Dr. Ehrlich: I can't change his orders. He's an attending and I'm only a resident.
Dr. Craig: You're also a moron. When a human life is in the balance, protocol goes out the window. Do I make myself understood?
Dr. Ehrlich: Yes, sir.
Dr. Craig: And Ehrlich, I appreciate the fact that you don't wear shorts.
Dr. Ehrlich: My legs, sir, never.

Playing God: Part 2 [3.02]

[Ehrlich is giving a lecture about having sex after recovery from bypass surgery]
Dr. Ehrlich: There are five phases to sexual activity: arousal, plateau, orgasm, resolution, and putting on your socks.

Two Balls and a Strike [3.03]

Dr. Craig: [Annoyed that Luther is looking at him hammering the window] What are you waiting for, a tip?
Luther Hawkins: Not anymore.

Strikeout [3.04]

Nurse Daniels: What are you doing here?
Nurse Papandrao: There was an emergency in the OR. There was nobody available, so I...
Nurse Daniels: Isn't that scabbing? Or is the union finally admitting they're jeopardizing patients' lives?
Nurse Papandrao: Don't blame it on the union. That man's life was in danger because no doctor had the foresight to transfer him last week.
Nurse Daniels: Oh, come on, Lucy. That's bull. Emergencies happen all the time.
Nurse Papandrao: Look, I'm on strike, okay? But if somebody's dying, I'm not on strike. It's that simple.
Nurse Daniels: Congratulations, you got it all figured out. But maybe dying isn't the worst thing that could happen to someone.
Nurse Papandrao: Oh, boy. If you really believe that, you're in the wrong business.
Nurse Daniels: It's starting all over again, and none of you seem to care. You're outside, looking for the fringe benefits!
Nurse Papandrao: Are we talking about the same thing?
Nurse Daniels: Obviously not.
Nurse Papandrao: I think you've been working a little too hard, Shirley.
Nurse Daniels: Don't you have to get back on the line?

Breathless [3.05]

Dr. White: [Excited] Boomer, I finally found my kids man!
Nurse Daniels: [Disgusted] Who cares?
[Walks out of the office]

Dr. Axelrod: I highly recommend the pigs in the blanket.
Dr. Ehrlich: Get your mind out of the feedbag, Elliott.

My Aim Is True [3.06]

Dr. Craig: Move your chair, Axelrod.
[Axelrod moves in]
Dr. Craig: I've reviewed the Colfax case, and I am not happy. What the hell is going on here?
Dr. Wade: I tried to tell Elliott-...
Dr. Craig: [Cuts Wade off] I have the floor, Dr. Wade. Now, my time is valuable. I don't like wasting it on conforming an open-and-shut case! Axelrod, I find your diagnosis entirely appropriate.
Dr. Wade: But...
Dr. Craig: The patient has a family history of heart disease, but the size and location of the occlusion poses no grave or immediate danger. She's young, compliant, and willing to work hard to avoid surgery. Adequate medical management should give her the same, if not better, chance of survival than a bypass. Case closed. Dr. Wade, I'd like to speak with you. Axelrod, get some rest. You look terrible.
Dr. Axelrod: Yes, sir.
[Axelrod leaves Dr. Craig's office]
Dr. Craig: What the hell were you trying to do? Bulldoze a patient into surgery?
Dr. Wade: I thought a bypass was necessary and expedient.
Dr. Craig: In a fifty year old. With heavy left occlusion, maybe! This woman presents no intractable angina.
Dr. Wade: Dr. London supported my diagnosis.
Dr. Craig: Oliver London?
[Wade nods her head, Craig is appalled with the answer]
Dr. Craig: The man puts Sweeney Todd to shame. He would operate for the common cold! Let me tell you something. I won't have cut-happy residents on my staff. There are too many surgeons already lining their pockets with unnecessary surgery. [hands her a folder] You blew this one, Wade. It better not happen again.

Dr. Ehrlich: Noted heart specialist Elliott Axelrod, M.D. Craig was pretty impressed with your call on that angina patient.
Dr. Axelrod: [Proudly] Thanks.
Dr. Ehrlich: Brown nose.

Dr. Morrison: Hi, Wayne.
Dr. Fiscus: Wanna bet how long it takes this three-year-old to pass a mood ring?
Dr. Morrison: Not a gambling man.
Dr. Fiscus: How about Peter? He's good at beating the odds.
Dr. White: [Morrison approaches White] Let's have a look at this skull series.
Dr. Morrison: The waters' view is clear.
Dr. White: You think Megan and Timothy have changed much?
Dr. Morrison: Probably. But they're still your kids.
Dr. White: I'm telling ya, I'm gonna put things back together with Myra.
Dr. Fiscus: Good. Then you can go up to the psych ward and tell Cathy Martin you're sorry you put her in a straight jacket.
Dr. White: Hey Fiscus, you shut up.
Dr. Fiscus: Jack, you haven't lived till you've seen Peter in action. I had the good fortune to catch his act once, and believe me, he's got a certain way with women. Unfortunately, it's a felony.
Dr. White: You know, you really oughta talk, Fiscus. There isn't a woman in this hospital you haven't hit on.
Dr. Fiscus: Took a lot of hard work, concentration, and a ski mask to get Peter where he is today. You know something for Myra's sake, I hope she's found another man.
[White and Fiscus have a scuffle]
Dr. Morrison: [Stepping in to break up the scuffle] Enough! That's enough, all right? That's enough, Peter!
[Peter takes his X-rays and walks out]
Dr. Morrison: Why can't you leave him alone? Why can't everybody just leave him alone?
Dr. Fiscus: He's doing a con job on you, Jack, and I don't know why you just lie back and enjoy it.

Dr. White: What brings you down here?
Nurse Daniels: I came to see you.
Dr. White: You look different.
Nurse Daniels: [Getting seductive] Do you like it? I did it for you. [Getting closer] I've been thinking about you, Peter. A lot.
[Peter approaches the door and locks it]
Dr. White: Wanted this for a long time.
[He makes out with her. She pulls out her gun]
Dr. White: Are you afraid?
Nurse Daniels: No.
Dr. White: I want you to be afraid. I want to see you afraid.
Nurse Daniels: [shoves him] Not anymore. [points gun at him]
Dr. White: Now-Now what is that for?
Nurse Daniels: It's for all of us.
Dr. White: What are you talking about?
Nurse Daniels: Is this where you raped Cathy Martin?
Dr. White: Now don't be crazy.
Nurse Daniels: You were gonna rape me, weren't you?
Dr. White: Look, you were coming on to me! I-I thought we were just having a little fun, you know.
Nurse Daniels: Like the other women had fun?
Dr. White: Now look, Shirley...
Nurse Daniels: What's the matter, Peter? Nervous?
Dr. White: Shirley..
Nurse Daniels: Now you know what it feels like. Afraid.
Dr. White: Now please, this is...
Nurse Daniels: Now, I want you to be afraid. Did you hit them? What did you make them do?
Dr. White: I didn't-I didn't...
Nurse Daniels: I don't want to hear your lies anymore.
Dr. White: I didn't touch them!
Nurse Daniels: Say it, Peter. Say it, you raped them.
Dr. White: Please.
Nurse Daniels: Say it!
Dr. White: I raped them.
Nurse Daniels: All of them?
Dr. White: No, no! No. I wanted Cathy Martin again but somebody else got her first.
Nurse Daniels: Why Cathy?
Dr. White: Because she was the best. All right, all right. Look, I'll-I'll turn myself in. Okay?
Nurse Daniels: Goodbye, Peter. [Shoots him. Walks up to the phone] Code blue. In the morgue.

Fade to White [3.07]

Dr. Craig: So you took the job with that colonic slime, Bill Wolf, didn't you?
Dr. Ehrlich: How did you find out?
Dr. Craig: It's all over the hospital. Everyone is patting me on the back like I just had a baby boy.
Dr. Ehrlich: All right, all right, I was gonna tell you.
Dr. Craig: In this century?
Dr. Ehrlich: Listen, the only reason that I'm doing this program is to provide a genuine public service.
Dr. Craig: Oh, don't give me that crap! Muammar Gaddafi is more interested in public service than that ringworm producer.
Dr. Ehrlich: All right, I need the money. You know I got a divorce pending.
Dr. Craig: I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you turned on me for a few lousy pieces of silver.
Dr. Ehrlich: You've had your differences with Mr. Wolf, but I don't think that should interfere with our relationship. Yours and mine, I mean.
Dr. Craig: You can count on it! You lie with dogs, you get fleas!
Dr. Ehrlich: Well, wait a minute, you don't mean that, do you, sir?
Dr. Craig: His film eviscerated me all over the airwaves.
Dr. Ehrlich: I guess I can't persuade you to do a guest spot some night, huh?
Dr. Craig: Who do I look like, Ben Vereen? I'm a surgeon, Ehrlich, not a buck and wing man! Scalpel!

Sweet Dreams [3.08]

Dr. Craig: Now where did you find this little piece of gradue, Boy's Life?
Dr. Fiscus: Journal of the American Medical Association. It's a documented phenomenon.
Dr. Craig: So is psychic surgery, Fiscus. But I wouldn't want to trust my gallbladder to it.
Dr. Fiscus: You still want me to repeat the autopsy?
Dr. Craig: You're damn right. Nightmare death syndrome of all the lame-Why MacArthur ever wanted to return to the Philippines is beyond me.

Dr. Caldwell: This is our last operation together, Victor. I don't want you to assist me anymore.
Dr. Ehrlich: What?
Dr. Caldwell: Look, you're a good surgeon, but ever since I came here, you've been nothing but bad jokes.
Dr. Ehrlich: What do you mean, bad jokes?
Dr. Caldwell: Remember your line about Helen Rosenthal and fun bags?
Dr. Ehrlich: Yeah, that...
Dr. Caldwell: When you're not insensitive, you're offensive. So I have just one suggestion to make. Why don't you do all of mankind a favor? Quit medicine. Take up your true calling, professional phony.
Dr. Ehrlich: Come on, Bob, why do...
Dr. Caldwell: Read my mask, pal. You're out of here.
[Caldwell walks away back to the surgery]
Dr. Ehrlich: All I said was you drink your bath water.

Dr. Westphall: What's up?
Dr. Craig: Boy, do you look terrible.
Dr. Westphall: Did you call me out here to tell you that?
Dr. Craig: Wasn't Ehrlich supposed to be on rounds with you this morning?
Dr. Westphall: Yes, he was. I got a message he's not going to be here. He's involved in some research project.
Dr. Craig: What is it with these residents? Is every day the Fourth of July? I mean, I need him to assist me in surgery. Kiley dropped out just a minute ago.
Dr. Westphall: Any of you know what project Ehrlich is involved in?
Dr. Chandler: Dream research.
Dr. Craig: Dream res--- Flim flam, pure and simple. Why do these funding people let the wool be pulled over their eyes using hard earned tax dollars for useless research? I don't even know why you let this Ellis woman have space in the hospital.
Dr. Westphall: Mark, I had nothing to do with it.
Dr. Craig: Dream research. That kind of malarkey really singes my drawers. Yeah, well, Ehrlich just better be enjoying his dreams while he can, because here comes a living nightmare.
[Chandler stands in his way accidentally]
Dr. Craig: Can't you see I'm in a hurry?

Up on the Roof [3.09]

Nurse Rosenthal: Hi, Shirley. How are you? I haven't seen much of you lately.
Nurse Daniels: I've been busy.
Nurse Rosenthal: You dating someone?
Nurse Daniels: No, why?
Nurse Rosenthal: Well, I don't see you in the cafeteria. You know what? You and I should have lunch one of these days.
Nurse Daniels: Really? During the nurses strike I was persona non grata. Now you've decided all is forgiven?
Nurse Rosenthal: Oh, Shirley come on. [Helen comforts Shirley] Don't you think it's time to let what happened go? Hmm?
Nurse Daniels: That's easy for you, isn't it, Helen? Forgetting the past, your commitment to others? You're one hell of a role model for the nursing staff.
Nurse Rosenthal: [Shocked] So... I guess our lunch is off. [Walks to the door]
Nurse Daniels: Drop dead.

Dr. Westphall: Shirley..
[Nurse Daniels shoots the gun]
Nurse Daniels: [Distraught] I'm sorry Dr. Westphall. Just don't come near me.
Dr. Westphall: Don't do this please.
Nurse Daniels: I'm sorry I caused you so much trouble. I know it was wrong for me to kill Peter.
Dr. Westphall: Don't let that mistake take your life, too.
Nurse Daniels: Peter hurt a lot of people
[Morrison runs to approach Shirley. Shirley raises the gun]
Nurse Daniels: STOP! I want to talk to Jack.
[Morrison gets closer to her]
Nurse Daniels: That's close enough. Hi, Jack. [sighs] You ever been up here before?
[Morrison shakes his head no]
Nurse Daniels: Smell the ocean? And look. Look at this. You can see for miles. There's the Pru and the Hancock Tower, and across the Charles, there's Cambridge. God, this is so beautiful! Why didn't I ever come up here before? I'm glad Cathy's on the sixth floor. Have you seen her?
[Morrison nods yes]
Nurse Daniels: I think she's getting better.
Dr. Morrison: Yeah.
Nurse Daniels: All that screaming and blood.
Dr. Morrison: Blood? What blood?
Nurse Daniels: Come on, Jack, you know what I'm talking about, in the ER. Blue-lipped junkies, 13-year-old pregnant girls, legs mangled under motorcycles. I know how special life is. I save lives, and I only took one... so far. You were his friend, Jack! Why didn't you do something?
Dr. Morrison: There was nothing I could do.
Nurse Daniels: You believed him! You believed Peter. Everything he did, you stuck with him, said he always got bad breaks. Well, that didn't give him the right! The world's full of bad breaks.
Dr. Morrison: You're my friend, Shirley. And all that means is I'm willing to share your pain.
Nurse Daniels: You're willing to share this? [Points gun at Morrison]
Dr. Westphall: Shirley, don't, please!
Dr. Morrison: What Peter did was wrong. What you did was wrong, too. And there's nothing that I can do about that. But I'm still here for you.
Nurse Daniels: You look tired.
Dr. Morrison: Yeah, I am. I've been on call for 48 hours.
Nurse Daniels: The hospital will kill ya.
[They hug]

Girls Just Want to Have Fun [3.10]

Dr. Fiscus: I don't know what it is with you, Boomer. All your patients seem to be going south lately.
Dr. Morrison: Fiscus, why the hell you gotta make a smart remark about everything?
Dr. Chandler: Whoa, Jack, take it easy.
Dr. Morrison: Hey, hey, hey, why don't you shut up! Philip, I don't need you telling me what to do or how to treat my patients. Don't question my medical judgement. Okay? All right? I'm just as good a doctor as either of you.

Homecoming [3.11]


The Children's Hour [3.12]

Dr. Ehrlich: Fine, so, where'd you put the happy couple?
Luther Hawkins: Oh, up in the fifth floor, in Dr. Craig's office.
Dr. Ehrlich: [Shocked] Are you crazy?
Luther Hawkins: What, just relax, take it easy. Dr. Craig is out of town, the walls are thick, and the office is private, just trust me, everything will be fine.
Dr. Ehrlich: [Mortified] Trust you, fine, thick walls, this man's insane, my career's on the line.

Dr. Caldwell: [while looking at a X-ray] Come on, Ehrlich, your interest in Mrs. Dowd has more to do with your own testosterone than her husband's endocrines.
Dr. Ehrlich: Even prisoners have conjugal rights. Why can't hospital patients, okay? This is an important ethical question!
Dr. Caldwell: Look, if you were really worried about ethics, you wouldn't be hitting on the guy's wife while he was in traction.
Dr. Ehrlich: Is that what you think? That I'm some sort of ulterior pig who only cares about getting his ashes Holt?
Dr. Caldwell: Took the words right out of my mouth.
Dr. Ehrlich: Well, you're entitled to your opinion, but I'm not gonna lead Mrs. Dowd in the lurch!

Dr. Wyler, I Presume [3.13]

[Chandler and Fiscus are in the lounge watching Ehrlich's latest Health Spot on the evening news, talking over Victor as they make commentary]
Dr. Ehrlich: Let's say you have an accident of some kind. What happens next? You call an ambulance.
Dr. Chandler: And bribe the driver to take you to Boston General instead of this place.
Dr. Ehrlich: ...where friendly, well-trained doctors will administer up-to-date medical treatment. Waiting is kept to a minimum through modern hospital management techniques that put the needs of the patient first and foremost. From the ER, you'll be whisked up to your room by...
Dr. Fiscus: Lovely Carol Merrill, who will take your clothing, rifle through your belongings, and palpate you into submission.
Dr. Ehrlich: An experienced senior doctor will be directly in charge of your case, and will carefully explain your condition and the length of time you'll be required to stay. Should there be any discomfort involved, modern analgesics are always available.
Dr. Fiscus: From dealers loitering in our hallways.
Dr. Ehrlich: Physical therapy and other hospital services are scheduled at your convenience, and nutritious meals are served promptly from heated carts at your bedside.
Dr. Chandler: He forgot to mention tennis courts and scuba lessons.
Dr. Ehrlich: ...during regularly scheduled visiting hours, and often play a positive role in the healing process.
Dr. Fiscus: And when you receive your hospital bill, you'll have a heart attack and be whisked back upstairs by courteous attendants.
Dr. Chandler: Are you as sick of these Health Spots as I am?
Dr. Ehrlich: etiquette. Until then, I'm Dr. Victor Ehrlich with another Health Spot.
[Fiscus gets up and turns off the TV]

Whistle, Wyler Works [3.14]

Dr. Morrison: Dr. Westphall.
Dr. Westphall: Yeah.
Dr. Morrison: I wanted to be the one to tell you.
Dr. Westphall: Tell me what?
Dr. Morrison: Carrolton University Medical School used to be in Mexico.
Dr. Westphall: Jack, excuse me, I've been in surgery all day. Would you mind cluing me in on what you're talking about?
Dr. Morrison: Well, I didn't get accepted to a med school here in the States, so I took a job doing research while taking pharmaceutical training. Carrolton offered a two year program, but when I got there, I found that I could accelerate. So, since I had other training, I took the test.
Dr. Westphall: How long were you at this place?
Dr. Morrison: Six months.
Dr. Westphall: You got two years' credit in six months?
Dr. Morrison: Well, I had to take the test, and the boards, I had a background.
Dr. Westphall: Doesn't make you a doctor, Jack.
Dr. Morrison: Dr. Westphall, I didn't realize what...
Dr. Westphall: Would you excuse us a for a minute, please?
[person walks out]
Dr. Westphall: Thank you.
Dr. Morrison: I didn't realize what I was doing was wrong.
Dr. Westphall: Jack, if it were practical to train a doctor in that amount of time, don't you think we'd do it? Why the hell didn't you tell me? You owe me that much at least, for fighting to keep you here for a second year.
Dr. Morrison: I wasn't... I was afraid. You're disappointed in me.
Dr. Westphall: Yes, I'm disappointed, what the hell do you think?
Dr. Morrison: Well, there must be some way to straighten this out, I mean something you can do.
Dr. Westphall: The mistakes you made here, the misdiagnoses, I believed it was because you were doing your best to function under tremendous personal pressure and now it seems all the errors you made were the result of a grossly inadequate medical education. If I'd had the power, I'd suspend you, you know that?
Dr. Morrison: Well, I'd like to continue with the educational part of my residency, but I'll take myself off cases.
Dr. Westphall: That's a damn good idea.

Dr. Caldwell: [Approaching Axelrod and Fiscus about Mrs. Hufnagel] Hey, why is everybody so upset at Florence?
Dr. Axelrod: Florence?
Dr. Caldwell: Mrs. Hufnagel.
Dr. Fiscus: She's got the soul of a motorcycle gang.
Dr. Caldwell: I thought she was pleasant.

Bye, George [3.15]

Dr. Fiscus: What can I do for you?
Michael Dukakis: I was out jogging and I think I've done something to this ankle of mine.
Dr. Fiscus: All right. Name?
Michael Dukakis: Michael Dukakis.
Dr. Fiscus: And your occupation?
Michael Dukakis: Governor.
Dr. Fiscus: Governor of what?
Michael Dukakis: Of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.
Dr. Fiscus: Baloney, that's what's his name?
Michael Dukakis: I'm what's his name.
Dr. Fiscus: Look, I don't have time for this. Address?
Michael Dukakis: The State House, Boston.
Dr. Fiscus: Elliott?
Dr. Axelrod: Yeah, yeah?
Dr. Fiscus: This phony is for you. Tape up his ankle until his eyes bug out.
Dr. Axelrod: [Surprised to see Governor Dukakis] Governor Dukakis, what are you doing here?
Michael Dukakis: I was out running and I...
Dr. Axelrod: [Rushes to approach him and escort him to the emergency room] Oh, wait, wait, let me get it. Lean on me, real hard. Okay, come on. We'll get you over there.

Saving Face [3.16]

Dr. Ehrlich: Phew, this girl has really been dipped in the ugly pond, you know?
[Dr. Caldwell is disgusted with Ehrlich's comment]
Dr. Ehrlich: Bobby... Dr. Caldwell, I'm sorry.
Dr. Caldwell: You're out.

Give the Boy a Hand [3.17]

Dr. Ehrlich: What's the matter Elliott, your head getting too fat to hold up?
Dr. Axelrod: Very funny. I had a close brush with death yesterday in the E.R.
Dr. Fiscus: Very little brush.

Any Portrait in a Storm [3.18]

Warren Coolidge: Hey, Salami!
Dean: You've got the wrong guy, pal.
Warren Coolidge: No, it's Warren.

Nurse Papandrao: You left the lights on in your car.
Dr. Craig: You're joking.
Nurse Papandrao: No, sir.
Dr. Craig: That's impossible.
Nurse Papandrao: It's true.
Dr. Craig: Don't be ridiculous!

Red, White, Black and Blue [3.19]

Joan Halloran: I'm sorry Dr. Craig. It's out of our hands.
Dr. Craig: Who's my replacement?
Joan Halloran: Oliver London.
Dr. Craig: Oliver London? The man couldn't carve his initials in a desk! I'm calling my congressman.

Amazing Face [3.20]


Murder, She Rote [3.21]

Luther Hawkins: Excuse me, Dr. Craig.
Dr. Craig: Yeah?
Luther Hawkins: We lost one of your patients, Florence Hufnagel.
Dr. Craig: Where is she?
Luther Hawkins: In here, on her way to the morgue.
Dr. Craig: What happened?
Luther Hawkins: Cardiac arrest.
Dr. Craig: Why haven't her test results been charted? We have ward clerks up the wazoo, but you can't get a simple blood test back from the lab before high noon?
Luther Hawkins: Well, the doctors didn't seem to know what caused the heart attack. Though my guess is it was brought on by the bed.
Dr. Westphall: The bed, what bed?
Luther Hawkins: Well, Miss Hufnagel was found... Well, she had been swallowed up by the bed.
Dr. Craig: [Auschlander laughs as all four exit the elevator] I don't think it's so damn funny.
Dr. Auschlander: I'm not laughing, I'm really not. It's tragic.
Dr. Craig: Wait till the hospital gets slapped with a lawsuit for shoddy equipment.

Nurse Daniels: Take my word, Ehrlich, the scar's right where you left it.
Dr. Ehrlich: Hey babe, please. I'm the medico here, okay? [Trying to look at Shirley's scar] So let's undo mister bow, pull the gown back, and take a peak.
Nurse Daniels: Your hands are cold.
Dr. Ehrlich: Yes, but my smile is warm.
Nurse Daniels: [Grabs Ehrlich's hand and shoves it] And the traverse stops here.
Dr. Ehrlich: Easy. I know it's not the cleanest appendectomy of the New Year, but consider the incredible pressure I was under. You, a demented killer, we almost dated once. I have great difficulty excising a vestigial organ, knowing that right around the bend, it's a cervical us. Trust me, Citizen Kane's dying thought wasn't a fond remembrance of a childhood sled, okay?
Nurse Daniels: I don't mind the scar. Besides, I'm not planning on logging any bikini time for a while.
Dr. Ehrlich: Surely they won't send you to prison. Will they, Shirley?
Nurse Daniels: Eventually. Until then, I got to find a job.
Dr. Ehrlich: Okay, embroider pillows. It's a growing cottage industry, you're home alone, no one gets hurt.
Nurse Daniels: My lawyer scheduled a meeting with Auschlander, trying to get me reinstated in emergency.
Dr. Ehrlich: If you need a character reference, let me know. Despite what anybody may have told you, I've always been in your corner.
Nurse Daniels: I know your heart's in the right place. So was Peter White's.
Dr. Ehrlich: I got to go.
Nurse Daniels: Cause if it wasn't, I'd have had to pull a trigger a third time, and blast a hole through his skull.
Dr. Ehrlich: [Coughing] I got to go. I'll talk to you.

Tears of a Clown [3.22]


Bang the Eardrum Slowly [3.23]


Cheers [3.24]

Carla Tortelli: What do you want?
Dr. Craig: I think I'd like something light, maybe you could suggest an aperitif?
Carla Tortelli: What do I look like? A sommelier?

Cliff Clavin: So, you three are of the medical persuasion, yeah? Because we all earn our income through the generosity of the federal government perhaps a little free attention is in order here. I got a pain in my arm.
Dr. Craig: It's probably from slinging back all those mugs of beer all day long. No wonder the mail never gets delivered.

Carla Tortelli: Hey, hey, hey where ya goin'? I brought you a Shirley Temple.
Dr. Craig: For your information lady, I'm not drinking because I have a delicate operation to perform in the morning.
Carla Tortelli: Fitting someone for a body bag?
Dr. Craig: [to Westphall and Auschlander] Stiff her but good.

Dr. Ehrlich: Dr. Craig, you're Episcopalian, is there a minimum income requirement to join?
Dr. Craig: Will you stop being a moron?

Dr. Craig: What are you doing?
Dr. Ehrlich: I'm looking for the messiah.
Dr. Craig: And I'm beginning to think that you're a 100% certifiable chuckle head.



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