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Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions

2010 video game

Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions is a video game released in 2010 by Beenox and Activision. The game features The Amazing Spider-Man working in conjunction with his counterparts from other dimensions (Spider-Man Noir, Spider-Man 2099, and Ultimate Spider-Man) to reassemble a shattered magical tablet before its power falls into evil hands.

Amazing Spider-Man

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  • Is that a... cartoon pig? (when seeing all of his various incarnations)
  • I'm Spider-Man! That's what I do. Break pots!
  • I've seen enough scary movies to know that this is the moment the monster jumps out at me. (Sandman's hand comes out of the ground) I knew it!
  • Aw, we're not going into the spooky old mine, are we? Will we have to solve a mystery and unmask someone dressed as a ghost, too? If so, my money's on Old Man Jenkins! (while chasing Sandman)

Spider-Man Noir

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  • Don't let the bedbugs bite. (after taking out an enemy)
  • When I'm good, there's no one better. (after taking out an enemy)
  • Take a nap, sap. (after taking out an enemy)

Spider-Man 2099

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  • Punchy punch-punch!
  • Nice warm up, guys. Thanks.
  • Shock shock shock shock shock shock shock shock shock! (repeatedly swearing while standing on a collapsing glass floor)

Ultimate Spider-Man

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  • Ugh, dude, pants! No one wants to see your junk! (seeing Electro's transformed and naked self)
  • Uh, eww! Do you and your generator, like, need some time alone? (as Electro makes creepy-talk towards the generators while draining them)
  • Do super villains find me this annoyingly talkative? Uh, don't answer that. (while being completely annoyed by Deadpool's rambling)

Dialogue

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Opening

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(In the opening cinematic, the supervillain Mysterio is robbing a museum)
Stan Lee: Hey there, True Believers! Watch as once again frightening forces are at work in our world, ready to wreck havoc with our very existence. Who, or what, people the halls of the Empire State University after dark? None other than the Master of Illusion himself... the menacing MYSTERIO!
Mysterio: Ah, the Tablet of Order and Chaos. Selling you to the black market is gonna make me a mint!
Amazing Spider-Man: Good. You could use a mint. Ugh, I can smell your breath from here.
Mysterio: Huh? (shouts) Spider-Man?!
Amazing Spider-Man: Wait, how WOULD you eat a mint through that fishbowl?
(Mysterio throws a vial on the ground that casts a giant snake)
(snake hisses)
Amazing Spider-Man: Nice! Don't get me wrong, your illusions are nifty and all, but if you ask me, they could use a little more... kick!
Mysterio: (as he gets kicked) Ahh!
Amazing Spider-Man: (as Mysterio reaches for the tablet) Nuh uh uh! Souvenirs are available at the gift shop. (twhrips it away)
Mysterio: Ugh! Stop it! Cease your incessant prattling!
Amazing Spider-Man: But incessant is the best kind of prattling.
(While the two are fighting, the tablet begins to glow)
Mysterio: What? What's this?
Amazing Spider-Man: Hey bubble-head, think fast!
(Mysterio then uses the tablet as a shield, causing Spider-Man to shattered it, making a rippling effect across reality and space)
Amazing Spider-Man: Whoa! What the heck was that?!
Mysterio: (Laughing)
Amazing Spider-Man: Oookay... Can somebody tell me what's going on here?!
(Madame Web then appears right behind him)
Madame Web: Spider-Man! [Spider-Man: Duhaye!] You are needed!
Amazing Spider-Man: Madame Web? As if this night wasn't strange enough already!
Madame Web: The Tablet of Order and Chaos is the most powerful of all the mystic artefacts in the world... and you shattered it.
Amazing Spider-Man: Yeah... sorry about that. Guess they don't make Tablets like they used to, huh?
Madame Web: The pieces are now fragmented across other dimensions, dimensions that are strange reflections of our own... A past unlike ours... A present day out of synch... And a distant future which may or may not come to past.
Amazing Spider-Man: (when seeing all of his various incarnations) Is that a... cartoon pig?
Madame Web: Focus! I require your help - yours AND the help of these three other Spider-Men. The heroes into whose realities the Tablet fragments fell.
Amazing Spider-Man: Whoa, whoa... slow down. Other realities? Other me's?
Madame Web: Yes, I have explained our dire situation to them. They will be your allies in this quest.
Amazing Spider-Man: But I'm the most charming, right?
Madame Web: You must gather all the pieces of the Tablet before the fall into the wrong hands, or our reality, as well as theirs, will be utterly destroyed.
Amazing Spider-Man: Yeah. Right. No pressure or anything. [Swings away]

Tutorial

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Amazing Spider-Man: [Climbs up onto a ledge] Let's get started! These neighborhoods aren't gonna friendly themselves.
Madame Web: If you follow my instructions, I will assist you in finding a fragment now.
Amazing Spider-Man: Who am I to refuse a lovely lady? Lead on, M.W.! [Leaps onto the balcony]
Madame Web: Alright. You will need to reach that ledge to begin your quest.
Amazing Spider-Man: Wait, this quest involves jumping?
[Amazing Spider-Man jumps onto a ledge.]
Madame Web: You will need to get higher than that.
Amazing Spider-Man: Keep your cloak on, M-Dubs, that was just a warm-up.
[Amazing Spider-Man double jumps onto another ledge.]
Madame Web: And now, scale the wall with your unique adhesive abilities.
Amazing Spider-Man: Uh, I believe the technical term is "stick-'em powers". [Starts crawling up the wall] Yep. I'm crawling up the wall.
[Amazing Spider-Man climbs up to the rooftop and walks towards the wall where the fragment is hidden inside.]
Madame Web: I am augmenting your Spider-Sense. Now, instead of just detecting danger, you have the added the abilities of seeing through objects, locating enemies, and discerning structural weaknesses in your environment.
Amazing Spider-Man: Coooooool!
Madame Web: I will bestow it upon other Spider-Men as well. Don't let weak structures or other obstacles block your path. Use your webbing to pull that wall down!
Amazing Spider-Man: [Uses his webbing to pull down the wall] And that's called, "breaking and entering"! [Approaches the fragment] Hey, look what I found. [Takes the fragment]
Madame Web: Excellent work. A job well begun is half done! Now to another Spider-Man! And to bestow a different gift upon him.
(Later during the tutorial level, in the Ultimate universe.)
Ultimate Spider-Man: [Discovers that he is wearing the symbiote suit] The Black Suit? What am I doing in the BLACK SUIT!? I hate this thing!
Madame Web: Stay calm, young Peter. This suit has extra abilities you will need in your quest.
Ultimate Spider-Man: Like what, tryin' to take over my body!?
Madame Web: I said stay calm! My psychic powers will keep it from overwhelming you.
Ultimate Spider-Man: Yeah? Well, I hope you kept the receipt. [Swings over to the platform]
Madame Web: Now, let's retrieve the next fragment! Spit spot!
Ultimate Spider-Man: Did you just say spit-sp-?
Madame Web: First; with your ability to Web Zip, you can travel quickly from perch point to perch point. Try it now.
[Ultimate Spider-Man web-zips from one perch point to another, then runs across a narrow walkway to reach another platform.]
Madame Web: Occasionally, in order to reach distant perch points, you will have to jump towards them and web-zip in mid-air.
Ultimate Spider-Man: Uh-huh. Talk about a leap of faith!
Madame Web: And you can run across narrow walkways such as this one without fear of falling, due to your natural agility and powers of adhesion.
Ultimate Spider-Man: They're called "Stick-'Em Powers". Did one of the other me's make that joke already?
Madame Web: Yes. And it was no funnier then. [Spider-Man: Yeesh!] The fragment is at the end of the corridor. Can you swing across to it?
Ultimate Spider-Man: Can I? Lady, it's my trademark. [Starts swinging to the end of the corridor where the fragment is] I gotta admit, the suit does seem fairly under control. And I feel stronger... faster! Maybe this'll work out after all... fingers crossed! [Lands at the end of the corridor and takes the fragment] They're all gonna be this easy to find, right?
Madame Web: No.
Ultimate Spider-Man: Son of a...
Madame Web: But now, I must turn my consciousness to the future! And to...
(Later during the tutorial level, in the 2099 universe. Spider-Man 2099 leaps off a skyscraper and free-falls, landing on a balcony.)
Madame Web: ...Miguel O'Hara, Spider-Man of the year 2099.
Spider-Man 2099: That's me. Ready to save the universe and lookin' good while doing it.
Madame Web: The next fragment is close. Just ahead, in fact!
Spider-Man 2099: I'm on it. Gotta watch out, though. This area's property of the Alchemax corporation, and that means the Public Eye'll be everywhere.
Madame Web: And what, pray tell, is a Public Eye?
Spider-Man 2099: Not a what, a who. The police force owned by Alchemax. And I'm not sure which is more corrupt!
[Spider-Man 2099 starts running towards the entrance where the fragment is. A Public Eye vehicle arrives.]
Spider-Man 2099: Speak of the devil. Here comes the Public Eye now!
Madame Web: Many enemies will try to stop you from collecting fragments. You must defeat them in combat!
Spider-Man 2099: Tell me about it! I tried to defeat them in cards once. Didn't go so good.
Madame Web: This one looks easy! Try a light attack.
Guard #1: [Jumps out of the vehicle] You're not getting away!
[Spider-Man 2099 performs a Light Attack on Guard #1, knocking him unconscious.]
Madame Web: Here comes another! Perhaps something stronger?
Spider-Man 2099: Keep the battle tips coming, lady. It's like having Sun Tzu as a life coach.
Guard #2: [Jumps out of the vehicle] You're not getting away!
[Spider-Man 2099 performs a Spider Strike on Guard #3, knocking him unconscious.]
Madame Web: Impressive! With your incredible strength, you can possibly even knock enemies into the air!
Spider-Man 2099: Sure can. Wanna see?
[Guard #3 jumps out of the vehicle. Spider-Man 2099 performs an Air Launcher on him.]
Madame Web: You must never miss an opportunity to subdue an enemy - even in the air! Try to hit him while he's airborne! Perform a combo!
Spider-Man 2099: Now this just over kill. And yet... SO COOL.
[Spider-Man 2099 performs an Aerial Rush on Guard #3 while airborne, knocking him unconscious.]
Madame Web: Now try to grab your enemy.
Guard #4: [Jumps out of the vehicle] Spider-Man!
Spider-Man 2099: [Grabs Guard #4] C'mere you!
Madame Web: Ha! He can't escape now! Strike him down!
[Spider-Man 2099 punches Guard #4 repeatedly, then swings him around before throwing him far away from the building. However, Guard #4 disappears through a portal.]
Spider-Man 2099: Oh, no! I didn't mean to- Make him disappear?
Madame Web: You didn't! I have saved him from peril and transported him to safety thanks to a dimensional rift caused by the Tablet. But please, try not to be cavalier next time.
Spider-Man 2099: Good to know you got my back! Guess I'll just worry about my front.
[Three more guards jumps out of the vehicle.]
Madame Web: Beware, Spider-Man - here come the last three! Take them out howsoever you choose... and make it good!
Spider-Man 2099: You are one bloodthirsty old chick. I like it!
[Spider-Man 2099 performs both Fast Attacks and a Spider Attack on the three guards, knocking them unconscious.]
Spider-Man 2099: [Walks inside the entrance and walks over to the fragment] Ahh... that was a good warm-up. [Takes the fragment] So when do I get a real challenge?
Madame Web: I fear it will be sooner than you think! And finally, I turn my attention from the future to a world set in the past...
(Later, during the tutorial level, in the Noir universe.)
Spider-Man Noir: Say your prayers, punks - here comes the Spider-Man. Whadda we got here?
Madame Web: Looks like criminal forces in this world have already found one of the fragments! They've taken over the station.
Spider-Man Noir: And this used to be such a nice place.
Madame Web: Use the shadows to your advantage. See if you can subdue these opponents silently - with stealth attacks.
Spider-Man Noir: You read my mind, sister.
Madame Web: Yes. That's what I do.
Spider-Man Noir: Those typewriters they're slinging are no joke. Won't last long if they open up on me.
Madame Web: Agreed. If an enemy spots you, it is imperative to defeat him quickly or retreat, either into the shadows or high above. I have gifted you with new web-swinging powers -- they will be useful in the respect.
Spider-Man Noir: Oh, I like this! Thanks for the enhanced powers, lady. The webs normally just kinda splatter everywhere.
Madame Web: Use your Spider-Sense to locate the fragment! There! Through that gate!
Henchman: I see you!
Madame Web: Flee for the shadows!
Spider-Man Noir: Now we're talking! This new wall-crawling ability will help me get the drop on these bozos.
Madame Web: Another opportunity for a stealth attack. The fragment is close! I feel its presence!
Henchman: This is a waste of my time.
Spider-Man Noir: Don't let the bedbugs bite.
[Spider-Man Noir uses his webbing to pull open the gates.]
Spider-Man Noir: And that's the end of that!

Act I

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Stan Lee: (Narrating) No, Spidey, it's just the beginning! Across many dimensions, these four, fearless Spider-Men, in all their various incarnations, must fight to reassemble the Tablet of Order and Chaos! Not just for the sake of their own worlds, but for the fate of every world in every dimension! Good luck, web-slingers! We're all counting on you!
(In the Amazing universe)
Madame Web: You've recovered the first quarter of the Tablet. Excellent.
Amazing Spider-Man: I've always been good at scavenger hunts.
Madame Web: Like moths to a flame, those with evil hearts will be drawn to the unleashed power of the Tablet, gaining new and frightening powers. So far, you have been fortunate that none of them have fallen into enemy hands.
Amazing Spider-Man: Why'd you have to go and say THAT? Man, what a jinx!
Mysterio: Bah! Useless hunk of nothing... Wait! What's this? Ahhh, yes! Power! This is what REAL power feels like! No more parlor tricks and sleight of hand! Mysterio is now the master of REAL MAGIC! And this is just the beginning! (Laughing)
Amazing Spider-Man: Whattya know! I swing around long enough, and my new upgraded Spider-Sense points me towards a fragment! Definitely sensing something from inside the, uhhh... jungle room? Hey, look at that! If it isn't Mr. Tablet Fragment. Right there waiting for me to grab it. Which can only one thing: IT'S A TRAP! Gotcha! That wasn't so bad, actually. Oh COME ON!
Kraven the Hunter: Rest now, my prey. Save your strength. For when you awake, we begin... THE HUNT! (Laughs)
[Amazing Spider-Man kicks Kraven into a wall, knocking him unconscious. The fragment rises from Kraven's unconscious body.]
Madame Web: Excellent, Spider-Man! You've done it!
Amazing Spider-Man: And just in time. If I never hear the word "hunt" again, it'll be too soon.
Madame Web: Now to the other fragments. The hunt resumes!
[Amazing Spider-Man takes the fragment and groans angrily.]
(In the Noir universe)
Spider-Man Noir: Night of the waterfront. On the docks, rats scurry about their grim business... A tip from Felicia Hardy brought me here. Looks like she was on to something.
Ox: Whoa, it's slippin?!
Montana: Hey! Look at this!
Robber: It's just a hunka rock? What's all the extra protection for?
Hammerhead: The Goblin payin' you to ask questions now?
Ox: N-no, Hammerhead -
Hammerhead: Then shaddap. Goblin sez the Spider's comin' after the Tablet and he wants all measures taken to stop him gettin' it.
Spider-Man Noir: I'm flattered.
Hammerhead: Now load in before lose my cool.
Spider-Man Noir: Oh, you're gonna lose your cool, all right...
Ox: It's him!
Montana: The Spider-Man!
Hammerhead: Then stop gawkin' and start throwin' lead!
Ox: I think we lost him!
Hammerhead: Keep your eyes peeled. You see somethin' shoot first and ask questions never. We're not takin' any chances' read me?
Ox: Loud and clear, boss.
[After Spider-Man Noir knocks Hammerhead unconscious, the fragment rises from the latter's unconscious body.]
Madame Web: Thank you, Spider-Man. The "floating head lady" appreciates your assistance.
Spider-Man Noir: [Takes the fragment and chuckles] Yeah, uh, sorry about that.
(In the 2099 universe)
Spider-Man 2099: This new "spider-sense" is a trip... Either I'm not used to it yet, or I'm sensing one of the fragments... closing in on me? No... I was right. Well, at least I found it!
Hogoblin 2099: Ah, ah, ah, Spidey! Don't fade on me yet!
Spider-Man 2099: What are you supposed to be? A demonic kumquat?
Hobgoblin 2099: You can call me... the Hobgoblin! Every Spider-Man needs one.
Spider-Man 2099: News flash, "Hobbie" - you're not my first Goblin.
Hobgoblin 2099: Ah! But this Goblin has one thing the others never had -
Spider-Man 2099: The fragment?!
Hobgoblin 2099: Yes! And with its power, I'm going to tear this world apart! (Laughs)
[Spider-Man 2099 and Hobgoblin 2099 are battling in the air.]
Spider-Man 2099: You keep bragging about your fancy wings. [Kicks Hobgoblin 2099 in the chest] Let's see you land without 'em!
[Hobgoblin 2099 lands face-first on the ground and groans weakly before losing consciousness.]
Madame Web: You've done it, Spider-Man! And not a moment too soon.
Spider-Man 2099: You said it, Web. Now, let's take a better look at these. [Examines Hobgoblin 2099's wings and realizes] Looks like nanofibers fused with– bio-organic circuitry? Only one corporation has technology advanced enough for this–
[The fragment rises from Hobgoblin 2099's unconscious body.]
Spider-Man 2099: [Takes the fragment] Alchemax!
(In the Ultimate universe)
Ultimate Spider-Man: What is that, weird smell? Oh. Right. Fresh air! Wish I could enjoy bein' outta the city, but this suit is throwing me. I feel dirty... and not in a fun, let's-go-clubbing way. Okay, I gotta focus. That magic rock is around here somewhere. Aaaaaand I just figured out where.
Ultimate Electro: Well, if it wasn't the spectacular spider-schmuck.
Ultimate Spider-Man: Oh dude, pants! No one wants to see your junk.
Ultimate Electro: Keep laughin', punk. See what I found? What do you think happens if I use it?
Ultimate Spider-Man: Uhh... Interest rates go down?
Ultimate Electro: YES! It's like my powers are totally unleashed - now I can absorb ALL the energy! ENERGY WITHOUT LIMIT!
Ultimate Spider-Man: And yet, still no pants.
Ultimate Spider-Man: [While dodging runaway trucks thrown by Electro] You really have a thing for trucks, huh? Are you sure you want to be called Electro? How about Elec-truck? Truckodon? Truck Master! Truckleberry Finn! Trucktor Doom! I know! Professor Pickup! That is something else.
Ultimate Electro: Be quiet!
Ultimate Spider-Man: I really drove that one into the ground!
Ultimate Electro: Maybe these will shut you up!! [Attacks Spider-Man with lightning bolts]
Ultimate Spider-Man: Or maybe it'll make me talk more! You never know...
[Ultimate Spider-Man uses his webbing to pull Ultimate Electro's face in closer.]
Ultimate Spider-Man: Hey, big guy, drinks are on me! [Kicks Ultimate Electro in the face]
Ultimate Electro: [As he sinks into the water] The water! It's taking me apart!
Ultimate Spider-Man: You seemed shocked.
[The fragment rises from the water.]
Ultimate Spider-Man: [Swings to grab the fragment] And that's why you never make toast in the bathtub. [Lands on the ground]
Madame Web: Congratulations, Spider-Man! You really showed him what's– watt!
Ultimate Spider-Man: Womp-wahhh.

Act II

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Stan Lee: (Narrating) Mysterio was dangerous enough before when he was a simple charlatan! Imagine what he might become with even more magical might at his command! Even I can't begin to fathorn it, might Marvelities! And THAT'S saying everything!
(At the muesum in the Amazing universe)
Mysterio: Yes, run! Run from your master, all-mighty Mysterio!
Officer: No Please!
Mysterio: For my next trick, I make two policemen... disappear. Eh!? More pieces of the Tablet? That means more power - more!!! I must have them!
Officer: Holy...
Officer 2: Yeah. You said it!
(In the Amazing universe)
Amazing Spider-Man: Gotta hurry up and find next fragment! And there it is! So why is my spider-sense tingling? (Chocked Yell) Jeez! Talk about a dirt nap! But where's the...
Sandman: Lookin' for this, webhead?
Amazing Spider-Man: Well if it ain't my o' pal, Flint Marko: The Sandman! Y'know, every time we play together, I end up digging sand out of my costume for weeks.
Sandman: I got a game for you to play.
Amazing Spider-Man: Marko? Marko?
Sandman: Polo!
Amazing Spider-Man: Oh man, and I thought my jokes were bad.
[After Amazing Spider-Man defeats Sandman, the latter sinks into the ground.]
Amazing Spider-Man: Well, it wasn't exactly a day at the beach– [The fragment rises from the ground] –but it was worth it. [Takes the fragment] And now, to clean the sand out of my shorts.
(In the Noir universe)
Spider-Man Noir: Next on my list - Osborn's right-hand monster. A sadistic circus geek, who grew to love the taste of raw flesh... like his namesake... Call him Adrian Toomes. Call him Vulture. Call him whatever you want. I'll always call him the bastard who killed my uncle. And not just killed...
Vulture Noir: Hhhhhungrrry!!!!
Spider-Man Noir: What's the matter, Toomes? No humans around for dinner? You can't escape me, coward!
[After Spider-Man Noir defeats Vulture Noir, he approaches the latter.]
Spider-Man Noir: It's over for you, you filthy vermin.
[Vulture Noir screeches weakly before fainting. The fragment rises from his unconscious body.]
Spider-Man Noir: And Osborn's next! [Takes the fragment]
(In the 2099 universe)
Chief: (On Radio) All Public Eye units in the vicinity report to 121st and Lex. One of those fragments Alchemax is looking for has been found!
Officer: Units 94 and 98 en route.
Chief: (On Radio) All units be advised, Alchemax warns that the fragment may attract freakers or other-
Scorpion 2099: (Howls)
Officer: Shock! What is that thing?
Shock: Don't move! Hands where I can see 'em!
Scorpion 2099: Hands!?
Shock: (Screams)
Spider-Man 2099: That can't be good... Kron Stone! I didn't even like this guy when he was human...
Scorpion 2099: MIIIIINE!!!!
Spider-Man 2099: Ah ahh! You didn't say the magic word. "May I please have the-"
Scorpion 2099: DIIIIEEEE!!!!
Spider-Man 2099: Don't shake your tail at me when I'm talking to you!
[Spider-Man 2099 throws an egg at Scorpion 2099, knocking him off the ceiling and down to the ground. Scorpion 2099 stands up and looks up to see a damaged Public Eye hovercraft about to come crashing down on him from the melting ceiling. He screams fearfully before the hovercraft crashes down on him, pinning him to the ground and knocking him unconscious.]
Spider-Man 2099: I'm sorry, Kron. If there were any other way to help you change back, I would– [Jumps down to Scorpion 2099's level] –but this is bigger than either of us. [The fragment rises from Scorpion 2099's unconscious body, leading him to take it]
Madame Web: Congratulations, Spider-Man. You've retrieved another fragment. This day is yours!
Spider-Man 2099: Yeah? Then how come I feel so bad about it?
(In the Ultimate universe)
Ultimate Deadpool: PAIN FACTOR! With your host... the anti-hero for hire... the mask for your task... the guy who won't die... DEADPOOL! Hi, Ma! And welcome to Pain Factor, the only show where you complete for your life! And remember, viewers, I'm available for black ops missions, assassinations, and birthday parties!
Ultimate Spider-Man: I don't know what's weirder... that this guy can somehow come back from the dead, or that they gave him a TV show.
Ultimate Deadpool: Coming up, we've got a very special Pain Factor - with a very special guest running the gauntlet!
Ultimate Spider-Man: Who?
Ultimate Deadpool: You, Spider-Man!
Ultimate Spider-Man: Wait... what?
Ultimate Deadpool: That's right! Our guest today will be the one, the only, the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man - because he needs this!
Ultimate Spider-Man: Television, you are a cruel mistress.
Ultimate Deadpool: You know, you can ride inside.
Ultimate Spider-Man: Wow, that's not too big for anything. Can anybody say "overcompensating"?
Ultimate Deadpool: Spidey! Can I call you, Spidey? Hey, thanks so much for being part of our little "webisode". Heh heh 'cause... you shoot the web... OK. Hey, can I get you anything before we start!? Soda? Bottled water?
Ultimate Spider-Man: How about the fragment?
Ultimate Deadpool: (Laughs) Good one! Okay, here we go, picture up! In three.. two... and... Welcome, welcome to Pain Factor!!!!
Ultimate Spider-Man: Is there a mute button for him?
Ultimate Deadpool: Listen, Webby. I can't have you swinging around in your footy pajamas destroying my cameras. You're going to have to tangle with my ARMY! And by army, I mean production assistants, and by production assistants, I mean unpaid interns, and by unpaid interns I mean fans. You're going to have to tangle with my FANS! (costumed "fans" appear to pound on Spider-Man)
Ultimate Spider-Man: Lamest... super villain... ever.
Ultimate Deadpool: And here he is! Bedevilled and bedraggled, drowned but not out… …the man, the myth, the legend, the non-mutant superhero!
Ultimate Spider-Man: Do villains find me this annoyingly talkative? Uh… Don't answer that. All right, Ugly McEvilsteen! You're about to get CANCELLED!
Ultimate Deadpool: Aaaand… cut! That's a wrap! Great show, everybody! Great show. Here ya go, kid - you earned it!
Ultimate Spider-Man: Uh… Thanks.
Ultimate Deadpool: Hey, fair is fair, right? BTW, what's the deal with that thing, anyhoo?
Ultimate Spider-Man: Well, it's a long story. Basically it gives bad guys extra super powers, so I have to… Wait a sec… This is a prop!
Ultimate Deadpool: OHH-HHHHH. CANDY BAR! GONNA GET A CANDY BAR! Snap! Crackle! Chop! I love this! Finally, someone to laugh at my jokes! Hey, what's green and makes noise? What? The Incredible Honk! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
[After Ultimate Spider-Man defeats Ultimate Deadpool, he approaches the latter.]
Ultimate Deadpool: We'll be right back after– these messages. [Faints and starts snoring loudly]
Madame Web: Another successful mission! You get a high rating for that one.
[The fragment rises from Ultimate Deadpool's unconscious body.]
Ultimate Spider-Man: Aren't they all? [Takes the fragment] Um, just one thing– [Camera zooms out to reveal him standing in an arena in the middle of the sea] How do I get home?

Act III

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Stan Lee: (Narrating) So far so good! Our web-slingers have triumphed over unbelievable odds! But there are still more pieces of that terrifying Tablet out there! And something tells me, the worst is yet to come!
(In the Amazing universe)
Amazing Spider-Man: And viola!
Madame Web: Excellent work, Spider-Man!
Amazing Spider-Man: Who says good help is hard to find? Now, just one more fragment to go, and... (spider sense goes off) LOOK OUT!
Mysterio: The rest of the Tablet will be mine - it MUST be mine!
Amazing Spider-Man: You again? Why don't you go saw a lady in half of some - Hey!
Mysterio: That was NO illusion! You've understand me for the last time, Spider-Man. And this old crone will pay for your insolence! Recover the rest of the Tablet for me, or this will be the last you see of her!
Madame Web: (Pained Scream)
Amazing Spider-Man: Stop! I'll do it - just don't hurt her, okay?!
Mysterio: Hurry, Spider! The clock's tickling! (Laughs)
(In the Amazing universe)
Amazing Spider-Man: All right... somewhere in this giant construction yard is the next fra- Oh. Well, this is a little too easy. Why did I say that? WAAHHH!!!!
Juggernaut: OUTTA MY WAY!
Amazing Spider-Man: Juggernaut! Yeesh, could things get any worse? I... did it again, didn't it? WAAHH!!!!
Silver Sable: Give up, Juggernaut! Silver Sable is on your tail!
Juggernaut: GET LOST!
Silver Sable: Not a chance, Marko. My Wild Pack can track your every move. And for the bounty that's on your head? We'd follow you to the ends of the Earth.
Amazing Spider-Man: I think I'll just let them play through. All I care about now is that fragm- Oh, come ON! Juggy musta picked it up somehow - and he's probably too stupid to even realize it! Can't let Sable them take him in before I get that fragment! All right, Spidey, think. Sable said something about tracking him... Ah! This'll buy me a little alone time with Juggy.
Silver Sable: All units! Juggernaut is moving fast to the east! Don't let him get away!
Amazing Spider-Man: Great! Now it's just him and me!
Juggernaut: YOU!
Amazing Spider-Man: Great... now it's just him and me!
[Juggernaut lands on the ground. Amazing Spider-Man gives him a punch to the face while in mid-air, knocking him down and causing him to lose consciousness. The fragment rises from Juggernaut's unconscious body, leading Amazing Spider-Man to take it.]
Madame Web: Excellent! Now hurry back, Spider-Man! There is still much to do!
(In the Noir universe)
Spider-Man Noir: The old Carnival. Osborn's camped out here, somewhere in this rotted alley of nightmares. But I'll find him - him and the fragments he's collected.
Ox: He's after those rocks we've been bringing you. First he got Vulture and Hammerhead, and how he's headed here! I'm tellin' ya, Mr. Osborn, The Spider-Man is comin'!
Norman Osborn Noir: Do you take me for a fool!?
Ox: W-what?
Norman Osborn Noir: I want him to come. Let the spider fall into my web! The other fragments made Hammerhead and Vulture more powerful - let's see what this one does for me!
Norman Osborn Noir: (Screams) (More Screams)
(Norman Osborn Noir transform into Goblin Noir)
Spider-Man Noir: I've waited a long time for this, Osborn. Tonight, your criminal empire ends.
[Spider-Man Noir defeats Goblin Noir.]
Goblin Noir: Back in the cage, eh? Back to the freak show.
[Spider-Man Noir notices a cannon behind him, leading him to backflip to it and insert himself into it, launching himself straight at Goblin Noir and punching him in the back, knocking him down. The fragment rises from Goblin Noir's unconscious body.]
Spider-Man Noir: Oh, boo-hoo. [Walks up to the fragment and grabs it]
(In the 2099 universe)
Spider-Man 2099: So... Scorpion was going to bring his fragment to someone here, at one of the high security labs. Luckily, my secret identity happens to work here, I know these security systems better than anyone... 'cept, maybe, whoever's collecting these fragments!
Doctor Octopus 2099: Preliminary tests confirm what I've suspected from the beginning, that this artifact is an energy source of almost immeasurable power! Clearly, this calls for proactive measures... to prevent it from falling into the hands of... RIVALS!
Spider-Man 2099: Oh, man! Busted.
Doctor Octopus 2099: So, we finally meet. I'm Serena Patel, head of Alchemax's Shadow Division.
Spider-Man 2099: Never heard of it.
Doctor Octopus 2099: Yes. That's why I called "Shadow Division".
Spider-Man 2099: Ah, Touche. So what's the master plan, Patel? You shadowy types always have one.
Doctor Octopus 2099: Hmm. I could kill you, or I could explain everything then kill you. I think I'll just kill you.
Spider-Man 2099: Son of a-
Doctor Octopus 2099: Computer, this lab has been compromised. Activate self-destruct sequence... 10 seconds.
Spider-Man 2099: Ten seconds? That's barely enough time to come up with a clever explosion-related quip.
Dr. Octopus 2099: Ooh, that must really burn you up. So long, Spider-Man. It's been a blast. [escapes]
Spider-Man 2099: Oh, she's good.
[Spider-Man 2099 throws a bomb at Doctor Octopus 2099, knocking her unconscious. He runs over to catch her as she falls.]
Spider-Man 2099: Gotcha! [Doctor Octopus 2099 groans weakly] You're right. I am incredible. [The fragment rises from Doctor Octopus 2099's unconscious body, leading him to take it] Now, let's get this back where it belongs!
(In the Ultimate universe)
Ultimate Spider-Man: Great. Just great - I figure, why not swing by the Triskelion and see if I can get some help from Nick Fury or any of his S.H.I.E.L.D. agents... ...and this is what I find? Either something really big happened here, or Nick Fury has terrible taste in decoration. Oh, no. No, no, no. I've seen this before... this red goop... bodies drained to husks... There's only one thing that could do this. One thing...
Carnage: (Growls)
[Ultimate Spider-Man beats Ultimate Carnage repeatedly before throwing him into a pillar, causing a burning structure to collapse on him.]
Ultimate Spider-Man: Awww, yeah! Turkey! You're outta here! [Carnage screams in pain before losing consciousness] What? I thought you like being on fire! My bad. [The fragment rises from Carnage's unconscious body, leading him to use his webbing to pull it in closer and catch it] And stay down.

Final Act

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Stan Lee: (Narrating) Hey, not bad, web-heads! They've fought their way from one dimension to the next, faced a number of their most fearsome foes, and found the final fragments of the fabled Tablet of Order and Chaos! But they're not done yet! Remember, there's still a damsel in distress! So what are you waiting for, heroes? Hop to it!
Amazing Spider-Man: What now? I can't give the final Tablet piece to Mysterio, but if I don't, it's lights off for Madame Web. Think, Spidey. THINK!
Mysterio: After years of pretending, of faking my with special effects and strange magic... to have a taste of the REAL thing. I can't wait any longer! Where is he? I want that Tablet! Argh!
Amazing Spider-Man: Don't say I never gave you anything!
Madame Web: The Tablet - it's reassembling itself!
Amazing Spider-Man: Oh, great.
Mysterio: POWER - BEYOND THAT OF A GOD! THE WALLS OF REALITY CRUMBLE BEFORE ME!
Amazing Spider-Man: Madame Web!
Madame Web: Don't worry about me, Spider-Man! The web of reality - the tapestry of the universe - is unraveling!
Mysterio: YES! A UNIVERSE TO REMAKE IN MY IMAGE! I WILL DEVOUR EVERY DIMENSION - UNTIL ALL... IS... MYSTERIO!
Madame Web: One last chance! With the walls of reality broken - I can summon your counterparts - from other worlds. The four of you, TOGETHER, are reality's only hope!
(Mysterio has claimed the entire Tablet of Order and Chaos and all its power)
Mysterio: I COMMAND REALITY ITSELF!
Spider-Man Noir: You don't need to get a swelled head about it.
Madame Web: Do not let Mysterio spot you, or you are done for!
Mysterio: BEHOLD... NOW THE TINIEST SPIDER OF ALL STANDS AGAINST ME!
Ultimate Spider-Man: Hey. I'm sensitive about my height, okay?
Madame Web: Mysterio's apparitions draw their power from the mystical orbs! You must destroy at all costs!
Spider-Man 2099: Falling again! You know, standing on solid ground is so 2098.
Madame Web: Quickly! After him, Spider-Man! Do not let him get away!
Spider-Man 2099: Yeah. Yeah, it's all broken.
Mysterio: (Screams)
Spider-Man 2099: Is this helping or hurting? I get the two mixed up.
Amazing Spider-Man: Here I come!

Ending

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[Mysterio is slowly shrinking back to his normal size due to the energy that he had absorbed from the tablet slowly leaving him.]
Stan Lee: (Narrating) A lesson to all you wannabe bad-guys out there - when destroying dimensions and defying do-gooders, watch out! Because you might unleash forces beyond your control - like the palpable power of four sensational Spider-Men!
Mysterio: [Starts crawling towards the tablet] WAIT! Wait, the Tablet! Oh, it could still be mine! It could still-
Amazing Spider-Man: [Puts his foot down on the tablet] Some guys never learn. And, uh... speaking of learning. You should learn how to count! Something tells me you're outnumbered. [Fires a webline on Mysterio's cracked helmet and throws him to the other Spider-Men] Gentlemen?
Spider-Man Noir: I really hate this fella! [Gives Mysterio a punch to the face]
Ultimate Spider-Man: Aww, c'mon, he's a blast to kick in the face. [Gives Mysterio a backflip-kick]
Spider-Man 2099: Pal, you got... [Gives Mysterio an uppercut] Shocked!
(Mysterio is defeated and reality is returning to normal again)
Madame Web: Well done! The walls of reality are rebuilding themselves. And now, you must all return to your own dimensions.
Ultimate Spider-Man: See you later, older and less cool versions of me.
Spider-Man 2099: Old? Hey, I'm from the future. To me, all you guys are ancient history.
Spider-Man Noir: Good to know IS a future. And men like you to carry on the good fight.
Ultimate Spider-Man: Word.
Amazing Spider-Man: Bye, guys. Next time you should hang around longer. We could start a bridge club or something. (picks up Mysterio) C'mon, Misty. Time to drop you off at Super-Villain Day Care.
Madame Web: Thank you, Spider-Man. You should be proud to know your legacy is being upheld across time and space
Amazing Spider-Man: Yeah, those guys were alright, but you have to admit...
Spider-Man Noir: With 4 different Spider-Men...
Ultimate Spider Man: ...The one thing I know for sure...
Spider-Man 2099: ...Out of all of them...
All Spider-Men: [in unison] ...I'M THE BEST!
Stan Lee: (Narrating) And so ends one of the most titanic teams-up of all time. And what have we learned here today, Marvelities? That no matter what corner of the cosmos you may find yourself in, there'll always be a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man to save the day! And to all of you web-spinning wonders I proudly say: EXCELSIOR!
(Post-credits scene: Madame Web is meditating when Spider-Ham appears)
Spider-Ham: So? What'd I miss?
Madame Web: [Surprised] What the?!
Spider-Ham: "Nuff said, Kids! 'Nuff said!
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