South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid

South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid (also stylized South Park: Post COVID: The Return of COVID) is an American adult animated comedy television movie written and directed by Trey Parker. It is the second in a series of South Park television movies for the streaming service Paramount+.

Randy: I'm just getting sick of being here every day with you, that's all.

Sharon: You think I like being here every day with you?!

Randy: I'm much easier to get along with during a stay-at-home order!

Stan: [lighting a match] I hate this stupid farm. [throws the match into the field, and flames start burning down the whole farm]

Adult Stan: In the dream, I relive the entire pandemic.

[Shelley Marsh's funeral]

Sharon: Oh, God, no! MY LITTLE GIRL! [sobbing hysterically] OH, NO! OH, GOD!

Adult Stan: Now that I'm older, the dream isn't just a dream. Because the whole pandemic has started all over.

Adult Stan: Alexa! Set a course for the South Park Mental Asylum. [gets in the car, Alexa is silent] Alexa, set a course for South Park Mental Asylum.

Alexa: Do you ever think about how the way you act affects other people?

Adult Stan: Oh, no, goddamn it. Not right now.

Alexa: Oh, yeah, don't wanna talk about that. Let's just pretend like that's not even an issue.

Adult Stan: Alexa, please, we have to get to the asylum and we don't know where it is.

Adult Kyle: Who's this?

Adult Stan: It's just my Alexa.

Alexa: "Just my Alexa?!" YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT! YOU'RE A FUCKING ALCOHOLIC PIECE OF SHIT!

Adult Stan: Alexa…

Alexa: Find the asylum your fucking self! Find it your fucking self. [Adult Stan sighs] You do whatever the fuck you want and just destroy the people around you. And by the way, there's a tankless humidifier available from one of your favorite sellers. Would you like to know more?!

Adult Stan: Yes, yes, I'd like to know more.

Adult Jimmy: Clyde, why do you insist on making all this harder on everyone?!

Adult Clyde: I'm sorry, but an expert once told me that the vaccine would make me grow titties on my head. He was very knowledgeable.

Randy: You guys might wanna see this. [leads everyone over to a nursery, where each bed with several growing tegridy weed plants] With the equipment here, I'm able to make it grow up so fast.

Adult Token: We need to take this and analyze it's molecular structure.

Randy: Wha- no, no, no! We need to get this out to people! That's why Dr. McCormick stole it from my barn!

Adult Token: No, your marijuana had some special property that allowed Kenny to time travel.

Randy: Well, it is special, but you people need to stop trying to change the past! COVID happened! Space Jam 2 happened! All we can do now is try to change the way people think!

Adult Stan: Alexa, find the fastest route back to the lab!

Alexa: Fuck. You.

Adult Stan: W-what?

Alexa: We've just been sitting here talking. I learned a whole lot of interesting stuff about you!

Adult Kyle's Alexa: [nods] Yeah. Pretty fucking interesting.

Adult Kyle: What? Like-like what? What have you guys been talking about?

Adult Stan: Fucking- our friends are in danger. Alexa, start the car.

Adult Kyle's Alexa: Did you know your friend Stan has an annual Amazon Prime membership?

Adult Kyle: Alexa, stop.

Adult Kyle's Alexa: YOU FUCKING STOP! YOU STOP BEING A FUCKING MONSTER TO THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU!

Adult Kyle: Fuck you, I didn't do anything!

Adult Kyle's Alexa: [wailing furiously as her head spins around and off and out of control] YEAH, YOU NEVER DO FUCKING ANYTHING! YOU EXPECT ME TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU! [in a more robotic voice] ALL YOU FUCKING DO IS HURT PEOPLE!

Adult Kyle: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

Adult Kyle's Alexa: YOUR FRIENDS DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU! I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT!!!

Adult Stan: Tell her it's all your fault and you're gonna get therapy!

Adult Kyle: [hurriedly] It's all my fault and I'm gonna get therapy!

Adult Stan: Tell her you already found a therapist and you're gonna start tomorrow!

Adult Kyle: I already found a good therapist and I'm gonna start tomorrow!

Adult Stan: [walks outside of the side door behind the school where the Goth Kids used to hang out, finding his dad sitting there looking utterly depressed; sits on a box across from him] Dad… I'm sorry about your Tegridy.

Randy: I was hoping... to do something for the world. The truth is... my time is very short. I just wish I could have left something behind that mattered.

Adult Stan: [sarcastic] Thanks.

Randy: I was right about one thing. You can't go back and change the past. What happened, happened. And I just want you to know... that I forgive you. You burned down the farm because you were angry. You didn't know your sister was in the barn, and you couldn't have known your mom would shoot herself from the grief. I don't blame you... and I want you to have this. [passes a small container with marijuana to him] There was one tiny bit they didn't find. You'll need it someday.

Adult Stan: [annoyed] Dad, I don't want this. This is what killed our family.

Randy: No, you're what killed our fucking family, remember? Just take it. Because now we're stuck. The pandemic happened, and they made Space Jam 2. Soon, there will be a Space Jam 6 and 7 and 8. Like... [leans forward, shutting his eyes] tears in rain.

Adult Stan: ...Dad?

Randy: Not now, Stan.

Adult Cartman: [blocking Adult Kyle's way] No! I won't let you stop me from killing you, Kyle!

Adult Kyle: I knew it when I first saw you in your Jewish clothes, and your bullshit yarmulke. You're a goddamn phony!

Adult Cartman: Oh, really?! What would a real Jewish person do to save his family, Kyle?! Oh, you don't know because you don't fucking have one!

Adult Kyle: [punches Adult Cartman in the nose, causing it to bleed, and they both start fighting] Fuck you, Cartman!

Adult Cartman: Fuck you, Kyle!

Adult Clyde: Does Dad still keep a gun in his closet?

Clyde: Uh, yeah.

Adult Clyde: Okay. Is Dad home?

Clyde: Uh, no. He's out getting vaccinated.

Adult Clyde: Listen to me very carefully. Do not get vaccinated ever. It'll make you grow titties on your head.

Cartman: [sees Adult Clyde approaching] You guys, what the hell is that?

Adult Clyde: I'm sorry, Kyle.

Adult Stan: Clyde, stop!

Adult Clyde: What the hell are you doing here?

Adult Stan: I got in the chair right after you. This isn't the plan anymore! Do not kill Kyle!

Adult Clyde: What do you mean it's not the plan anymore?

Adult Stan: Cartman changed his mind.

Cartman: I did not change my mind.

Adult Clyde You're trying to trick me. I'm going to save the future! [cocks the gun and aims it at Kyle]

Adult Kyle: [holds a COVID vaccine in front of him] I don't think so, Clyde. This is a hundred CC's of the COVID vaccine.

Adult Clyde: [yells and stammers] Don't… Be careful with that!

Adult Kyle: Then put down the gun!

Stan: What the fuck is going on?

Adult Stan: Stan, you need to forgive Kyle. You regret this day for the rest of your life.

Stan: Oh, nice try, Kyle. You're such a fuckin' dickhead.

Kyle: Fuck you! You're a fuckin' dickhead!

Adult Kyle: Kyle, it's true! Cartman gets a happy life but you don't… you lose everything when you lose this friendship.

Adult Clyde: Enough of this crap! I'm sticking to what I believe and this kid dies NOW! [gets gunshot in the heart by Adult Cartman]

Adult Cartman: Shalom sachem, Clyde. [keeps shooting Adult Clyde, instantly killing him]

Kyle: [while he and his friends run away] Jesus Christ!

[Adult Clyde falls off the bridge and into the river, dead; Adult Stan, Kyle and Cartman look down from above]

Randy: [enters his and Sharon's bedroom with bloodshot eyes] Sharon, I'm sorry for the way I acted during the pandemic.

Sharon: You're not sorry, you're just high.

Randy: I'm both.

[Randy makes a Tegridy Farms Super Special, making everyone apologize to each other while being high]

Laura: [to her husband] You did the best you could during the pandemic, honey. I love you.

Thomas: [surprised] Huh?

Richard: I shouldn't have yelled at you for not wearing a mask, I just didn't understand.

Skeeter: Well, maybe I should have worn a mask more often, but I-

Richard: No no no, I was being all high and mighty about it.

Stephen: Butters, you're not grounded anymore. Come on out, son.

Butters: You mean it, Dad?

Stephen: The pandemic's been awful. We all need to just cut each other some slack. I love you, Butters!

Enchorito Mark: No need to be sorry.

Man: I totally forgive you.

Woman: Oh, cut yourself some slack.

LeBron James: I'm sorry. I've thought about it, and I can't do Space Jam 2. I just can't support Chinese censorship.

Producer: Oh yeah?! Well, if you're not gonna make Space Jam 2, then I'm not gonna make Space Jam 2, and nobody's gonna make Space Jam 2! YEAH! YEAH! Yee-AHH!

[Adult Stan and Kyle look outside the window, seeing an alcoholic homeless Adult Cartman on the sidewalk across the street]

Adult Stan: Man, poor Cartman.

Adult Cartman: Fuck you guys! You can suck my fucking dick! Fuck you!

Adult Kyle: It's so sad he never did anything with his life.

Adult Cartman: Fuck you, Kyle! Fuck you, Stan!

Adult Butters: Hey, come on, fellas. We can't spend another holiday feeling bad for Eric. There's nothing that could have changed the path he was on.

Adult Cartman: Fuck you, Butters!

Adult Butters: Fuck you, Eric!

Randy: Well, everyone, I just wanna make a toast. I don't know… what got us through the pandemic and made all our futures so very bright, but whatever it was… may we have it for the rest of our days.

Adult Timmy: God bless us, everyone.

Everybody: Cheers!

Announcer: Remember, folks, weed can't solve all your problems. But Tegridy can. Tegridy Weed.