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Small Soldiers

1998 film directed by Joe Dante

Small Soldiers is a 1998 American science fiction war film, directed by Joe Dante and starring Kirsten Dunst and Gregory Smith. It revolves around a conflict between two factions of sentient action figures, the Gorgonites and the Commando Elite. When an adolescent brings the Gorgonites to his home, he and those around him become targeted by the Commando Elite, who are programmed to eliminate the Gorgonites and their allies. Frank Langella and Tommy Lee Jones co-star as the voices of the leaders of the Gorgonites and the Commando Elite, respectively.

It was the last film role of Phil Hartman and is dedicated in his memory.

Directed by Joe Dante. Written by Gavin Scott, Adam Rifkin, Ted Elliott, and Terry Rossio.
Big Trouble Small Soldiers Taglines

Contents

Chip HazardEdit

  • There will be no mercy.
  • If it launches, lacerates or detonates, I want it mobile and I want it "lethile"!
  • Are you scared? We're all scared. You'd have to be crazy not to be scared.
  • We are the evil Commando Elite!
  • I hate the smell of polyurethane in darkness!
  • You got a lot of guts. Let's see what they look like.

ArcherEdit

  • Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the heroic Gorgonites.
  • If we hide, we would still lose. No more hiding.
  • Alan, even if you cannot see something, it does not mean it is not there.

DialogueEdit

Gil Mars: Y'know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials that show us 4x4 trucks popping up to the top of Mt. Rushmore and parking on top of Abraham Lincoln's head, okay? I'm sick of shampoo commercials that try to convince women that they can look like Claudia Schiffer after one cycle of rinse and repeat. What if these toys could actually talk? What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass? I'm talking about toys that are so smart, when kids play with them, they play back. Toys, in short, gentlemen, that actually do what they do in the commercials.
Irwin Wayfair: Well... that's an interesting idea.
Gil Mars: Forget about this "batteries not included" crap. We're gonna stick in a lifetime Globotech lithium cell, keep these things running forever! That'll piss off the guys at Eveready.
Larry Benson: Yeah! [grins eagerly] Hey, how's this for a slogan? "The Commando Elite - anything else is just a toy."
Gil Mars: "Everything else is just a toy."
Larry Benson: Th-That's good too! Sure.
Irwin Wayfair: Err, sir? Err... You know, that kind of, err, computing power doesn't really seem feasible right now, and--
Larry Benson: Irwin, Irwin! Remember, this is the GloboTech family, I'm sure we can hunt down that technology.
Gil Mars: We can make missiles that can hunt down one unlucky bastard 7,000 miles away and stick a nuclear warhead right up his ass. I don't think we're gonna have a problem with this.

Ms. Kegel: [after being told the product will be ready in three months] Alright, then. Now, these are your security cards. These will give you unlimited access to all top-secret GloboTechnology. And these are your individual secret passwords. Please take a moments memorize them now.
Irwin Wayfair: [sees his password and chuckles] Mine's Gizmo.
Ms. Kegel: [snatches Irwin's password; annoyed] I said "secret".

Alan: Halt! Who goes there?
Archer: Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the heroic Gorgonites.
Alan: Awfully polite for a monster.

Archer: Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the heroic Gorgonites. What is your name?
Alan: I'm Alan, now shut up. I gotta do my homework.
Archer: Greetings Alan-Now-Shut-Up.
[Alan does a double take at Archer's remark]

Nick Nitro: Falling in, sir... [falls to the ground, and the evil Commando Elite walk towards Nick Nitro]
Brick Bazooka: Outta the way.
Nick Nitro: [weakly] It's...only a flesh wound, sir...
Chip Hazard: Rest easy. You've done the evil job.
Nick Nitro: [last words; weakly] Did...we... win? [groans, and dies]
Chip Hazard: We will. [sniffles] Nick Nitro's battery has run out, but his memory will keep going. His death will be avenged. [Brick Bazooka sniffles and cries] Commandos, secure the perimeter, tap all communications, let's roll armor, we got us our evil war to win. If it launches, lacerates or detonates, I want it mobile and I want it lethile.
Commando Elite: Sir, yes, sir.

Archer: Alan, friend of Archer, defender of heroic Gorgonites, Keeper of Encarta.
Alan: "Keeper of Encarta"? You were using my computer? If I find a virus in there, you're headed for the microwave.
Archer: Beware: There will be no mercy.
Alan: [incensed] Are you threatening me?
Archer: The heroic Gorgonites must be free. There will be no mercy.
[scene switches to Stuart Abernathy's toy store where Chip Hazard stands in front of a US Flag made from puzzle pieces]
Chip Hazard: Fellow evil soldiers, no poor sap ever won our evil war by dying for his homeworld. He won it by being all that he can be. Damn the torpedoes, or give us death. Eternal vigilance is the price of duty and, to the victors go the spoils. So remember: you are the best of the best of the few and the evil. So ask not what our homeworld can do, only regret that we have but one life to live. The evil war against the heroic Gorgonites will be won.
Slamfist: [activates and notices] Uh-oh.
Chip Hazard: Commando Elite, let the first evil shot be fired. Search out the heroic Gorgonites, and frag 'em all.

Ralph Quist: The X1000 is a masterpiece. Imagine a microchip sophisticated enough to control the guidance systems of ballistic missiles. Imagine it can be used to instantly upgrade any system that it's plugged into, like a smart drug for machines. Then imagine it can learn.
Irwin Wayfair: [nervously] Wh-What are you talking about, artificial intelligence?
Ralph Quist: No. Actual intelligence. [angrily] It's no wonder those philistines at the Pentagon didn't appreciate it. One little flaw, and they scrap the whole project!
Irwin Wayfair: So there is a flaw in the chips?
Ralph Quist: Well... they're a little sensitive to EMP.
Irwin Wayfair: EMP?
Ralph Quist: Electromagnetic pulse. As in, the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device. I doubt even the toy industry has become quite that competitive! They said adequate shielding wasn't cost-effective. Did the House of Medici ever tell Michelangelo "Sorry, Mike, marble's not cost-effective, here's a bag of cement"?! I think not! [sneezes]
Irwin Wayfair: Gesundheit.
Ralph Quist: Thank you.
Larry Benson: But there shouldn't be any problem, just because the chips can learn.
Ralph Quist: Am I not being clear? They learn within the boundaries of their primary programming. Whatever the core programming, the X1000 enhances it from within. So if you've got a problem, it's in your software.

[Fimple residence. Chip Hazard stumbles upon a bunch of Gwendy Dolls, causing the evil Commando Elite to see them]
Brick Bazooka: Bombshells, sir.
Kip Killigan: Fully posable. [he and Brick Bazooka laugh]
Brick Bazooka: Hello, dolly.
[whistle]
Butch Meathook: Mmm-mmm. Sweet stuff. Hubba, hubba.
Link Static: R&R, sir?
Brick Bazooka: Request a three day pass, sir.
Chip Hazard: Denied! [Brick Bazooka groans] Fellow evil soldiers, this is a new army. Those are reinforcements. Bring me the head of Nick Nitro, move. [Nick Nitro's body is brought to him] Soldier, your memory will live on. [pulls Nick Nitro's head off and begins cannibalizing it, to the evil Commando Elite discomforting]
Butch Meathook: Damn.
Link Static: Criminy.
Butch Meathook: I think I'm gonna hurl.
Chip Hazard: [reaching Nick Nitro's microprocessor chip] A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
[In a scene akin to a certain classic film, the chip is used to electrify and animate the Gwendy Dolls]
Brick Bazooka: [laughing] It's alive! It's alive!
Gwendy Doll: [walks to Chip Hazard] Hi there! Cannon Fodder Gwendy reporting for duty, sir! [salutes]
Chip Hazard: [salutes] Carry on, soldier.

Larry Benson: Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.
Irwin Wayfair: I doubt I'll have one in the junk drawer.
Phil Fimple: Nuclear warhead? What are you talking about?
Larry Benson: The chips! They aren't shielded against an electromagnetic pulse - a nuclear blast would wipe them out!
Irwin Wayfair: That's why the military never used them.
Stuart Abernathy: Well, what kind of moron would put military technology in toys?!
Irwin Wayfair: [pointing at Larry] Oh, that would be "Gizmo" over here.

TaglinesEdit

  • Big Action! Big Trouble! Big Movie! Small Soldiers!
  • The few, the proud, and the small.
  • [from theatrical trailer] GloboTech Defense Systems. In a secret lab, the world's most advanced military microprocessor has been created. But the Cold War is over. For GloboTech to survive, new markets must be found. Now, all that power has been placed into the brain of a fighting machine unlike any known to man. They made it strong. They made it clever. They made it... small. They made... a mistake.

About Small SoldiersEdit

  • We found out what it really takes to make a great toy, to make it stand out on the shelf. We learned how the joints of toys worked, all the mechanics that go into them. The whole thing was an education; and we helped to create a toy line that was extremely successful for Hasbro. In fact, ultimately, sales for the Small Soldiers toys out-performed the film.

CastEdit

Voice actorsEdit

External linksEdit