Skulduggery Pleasant

novel by Derek Landy

Skulduggery Pleasant is a series of fantasy novels written by Irish author Derek Landy . The books chronicle the adventures of the skeleton detective, Skulduggery Pleasant and a teenage girl, Stephanie Edgley (Valkyrie Cain) along with other friends. The central story arc concerns Valkyrie's struggle to stop evil forces threatening the world and to finally find justice for her late uncle's death.

The series branches into the original series spanning nine books, collected short stories, and a novella. The second series begins with book 10, Resurrection.

Skulduggery Pleasant: The Scepter Of AncientsEdit

“Doors are for people with no imagination.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“What is it?' Stephanie whispered.

'That, my dear Valkyrie, is what we call a monster.'

She looked at Skulduggery. 'You don't know what it is, do you?'

'I told you what it is, it's a horrible monster. Now shut up before it comes over here and eats us.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“There’s no such thing as winning or losing. There is won and there is lost, there is victory and defeat. There are absolutes. Everything in between is still left to fight for. Serpine will have won only when there is no one left to stand against him. Until then, there is only the struggle, because tides do what tides do–they turn.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“What would killing the Elders result in?"

"Panic? Fear? Three empty parking spaces in the Sanctuary?”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Are you kidding? I jumped off a building -- of course I'm hurt.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Every solution to every problem is simple. It's the distance between the two where the mystery lies.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Valkyrie: “You are such a moron.”

Skulduggery: “Don't be jealous of my genius.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“I love you all, even those I don’t

particularly like. That’s you, Beryl.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Found something?”

“No, sorry. I thought I had, but, no, it turned out to be, uh… more floor.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“You're not stealing anything, you're not breaking anything, so I'd guess you're Stephanie.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Her parents wanted her to find her own way in life. That’s what they’d said countless times in the past. Of course, they’d been referring to school subjects and college applications and job prospects. Presumably, at no stage did they factor living skeletons and magic underworlds into their considerations. If they had, their advice would probably have been very different.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“I woke up, a bag of bones. Literally. They had gathered up my bones and put them in a bag and thrown the bag into a river.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“This is your one chance. Tell me where the key is."

"Okay."

Serpine raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"No, only joking. Do your worst.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“You can only anticipate what someone is going to do if you know exactly what that someone has just done.' --Skulduggery”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Gordon Edgley's sudden death came as a shock to everyone - not least himself. One moment he was in his study, seven words into the twenty-fifth sentence of the final chapter of his new book, And the Darkness Rained upon Them, and the next he was dead. A tragic loss, his mind echoed numbly as he slipped away.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“If there is one regret that I have had in my life, it is that I never fathered any children. There are times, when I look at what Fergus and Beryl have produced, when I consider myself fortunate, but there are also times when it breaks my heart.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“The world is bigger than you know, and scarier than you might imagine. The only currency worth anything is being true to yourself, and the only goal worth seeking is finding out who you truly are.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“He put on his hat and wrapped his scarf around his jaw, but did without the wig and the sunglasses. He clicked his key chain and the car beeped and the doors locked.

"That's it?"

He looked up. "Sorry?"

"Aren't you afraid it might get stolen? We're not exactly in a good part of town."

"It's got a car alarm."

"Don't you, like, cast a spell or something? To keep it safe?"

"No. It's a pretty good car alarm.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Right, well, we've got to work out what we need. We've got to work out what we need, how we get it, and what we need to get to get what we need.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Cheer up everyone," he said, a new brightness to his voice. "Since we’re all going to die horribly anyway, what’s there to be worried about?”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Wait, do they even know I'm coming with you?"

"No. But they like surprises. Almost always.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“There’s something about you, Valkyrie. I’m not quite sure what it is. I look at you and…”

“And you’re reminded of yourself when you were my age?”

“Hmm? Oh, no, what I was going to say is there’s something about you that is really annoying, and you never do what you’re told, and sometimes I question your intelligence, but even so I’m going to train you, because I like having someone follow me around like a little puppy. It makes me feel good about myself.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“A living skeleton isn't enough for you, is it? What does it take to impress young people these days?”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“By the time they got to Denholm Street, day had been beaten back and the night was soaking through the city.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“He does this on purpose," Stephanie's mother said as they sat in the car, seat belts on and ready to go. They watched him appear at the front door, shrug into his jacket, tuck in his shirt, go to step out, and then pause.

"He looks like he's about to sneeze," Stephanie remarked.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“I just want to let you know that I love you all. Even those of you that I don't like; that's you Beryl.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“And what about magic?”

“What about it?”

“Will you teach me?”

“You don’t even know if you’re capable of doing magic.”

“How do I find out? Is there a test or something?”

“Yes, we cut off your head. If it grows back, you can do magic.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Tides do what tides do–they turn.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“I cannot have chaos erupting around me until I am prepared for it. I am a collector. I am an observer. I don't participate. My resources, and my standing, must be secure before I can allow the uncertainty of war to crash down upon us.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

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“With his sunglasses gone and his scarf hanging down, there was no denying that he had no flesh, he had no skin, he had no eyes and he had no face.

All he had was a skull for a head.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“China is the same age as I am, and even I have to admit that she wears it better!" He laughed, then stopped and peered at her. "Because I'm a skeleton" he explained.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“We live in a time of fear," Skulduggery said, "where we're too scared of upsetting the status quo to ask the questions we need to be asking.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Stephanie could see the greed seep into the watery eyes of her

father’s other brother, a horrible little man called Fergus, as he

nodded sadly and spoke sombrely and pocketed the silverware

when he thought no one was looking”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Doesn't sunlight kill them? Doesn't it turn them to dust, or make them burst into flames or something?"

"Nope. Vampires tan, just like you and me. Well, just like you. I tend to bleach.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Dublin City was quiet when they reached the Waxwork Museum, as if it was holding its breath.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“There's no such thing as winning or losing. There is won and there is lost; there is victory and defeat. There are absolutes. Everything in between is still leftt to fight for.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on you losing your head.”

“I didn't lose it. It was stolen.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Well,” her mother said, looking at the engine, “at least that’s still there.”

"Do you know anything about engines?" Stephanie asked.

"That’s why I have a husband, so I don't have to. Engines and shelves, that’s why men were invented."

Stephanie made a mental note to learn about engines before she turned eighteen. She wasn't too fussed about the shelves.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“You can't leave me alone," she said, following him into the living room.

"Yes," he corrected, "I can. You'll be perfectly safe."

"The front door's off!"

"Well, yes. You'll be perfectly safe as long as they don't come through the front door.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“What does a clue look like?" Tanith whispered.

Stephanie fought the giggle down and whispered back. "I'm looking for a footprint or something."

"Have you found one yet?"

"No. But that's probably because I haven't moved from this spot."

"Maybe we should move, pretend we know what we're doing."

They started to walk, very slowly, still looking straight down.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“She started reading. She didn’t mean to spend long at it, but soon she was devouring every word, oblivious to the creaking old home and the rain outside.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Well,” her mother said, looking at the engine, “at least that’s still there.”

“Do you know anything about engines?” Stephanie asked.

“That’s why I have a husband, so I don’t have to. Engines and shelves, that’s why men were invented.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Stephanie, you jumped off a building.” “Yes, but the branches broke my fall. Every one of them.” “And how were the branches?” “A lot unlike pillows.” “You could have been killed.” “But I wasn’t.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Doors are for people with no imagination." - Skulduggery Pleasant”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“He hesitated. 'Serpine used my wife and child as a weapon against me. In order to do so, he had to kill them. He took my family's death and he made it about me. Valkyrie, when you die, it will be your death and yours alone. Let it come to you on your own terms.’ She nodded.

‘Valkyrie Cain,’ he said, ‘it has been an absolute pleasure knowing you.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“I’m in the mood for some fighting.” “If there is,” Stephanie said, handing him his gun, “here’s something you can use.” “Ah, bless. I’ve missed her. Do you have bullets?” “Uh, no.” Skulduggery paused. “Excellent,” he said, and tucked the gun away.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Every solution to every problem is simple. It’s the distance between the two where the mystery lies.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Or you have twelve hours for us to save you, if you want to be half-glass full about it. Cheer up, Geoffrey, you have our full attention focused on your dilemma. Wait, where's my hat?"

Valkyrie picked it up off the armchair and handed it to him.

"Perfect," he said. "Now you have our full attention."

Scrutinous smiled gratefully, suddenly reassured that everything was going to be alright. The skeleton detective and Valkyrie Cain were on the case, and they would stop at nothing to solve it.

"I'm hungry," Valkyrie said.

Skulduggery nodded decisively, said, "Then let's get you something to eat," and Scrutinous sagged.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“I'd just like to take this opportunity to say that, in my own way, I love you all, even those I don't particularly like. That's you, Beryl.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“If you hear any screaming, that’ll be me. – Skulduggery”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“I’m placing you under arrest for murder, attempted murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don’t know, possibly littering.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Every solution to every problem is simple. It’s the distance between the two wherein the mystery lies.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Hollow”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Stephanie: I wouldn't mind a sister either

Tanith: Any chance of that happening?

Stephanie: I can't see what would be in it for my parents. I mean, they have the perfect daughter already - What more could they want?”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Strong-willed, intelligent, sharp-tongued, doesn’t suffer fools gladly . . . remind you of anyone?”

“Yes. Gordon.”

“Interesting,” said the man. “Because those are the exact same words he used to describe you.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“The world is bigger than you know and scarier than you might imagine. The only currency worth anything is being true to yourself, and the only goal worth seeking is finding out who you truly are . . . Make you parents proud, and make them glad to have you living under their roof, because I leave to you my property and possessions, my assets and my royalties, to be inherited on the day you turn eighteen. – Mr Fedgewick, reading Gordon’s will, to Stephanie”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“I’m sorry, I’m still stuck on you losing your head. – Stephanie/Valkyrie”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Du siehst aus, als könntest du ohnmächtig werden." Stephanie nickte bedächtig. "Ich bin noch nie ohnmächtig geworden, aber Sie könnten recht haben." "Soll ich dich auffangen, wenn du fällst, oder ...?" "Wenn es Ihnen nichts ausmacht." "Überhaupt nicht." "Danke." Stephanie schenkte ihm ein schiefes Lächeln, dann wurde ihr schwarz vor Augen und sie spürte, wie sie fiel. Das Letzte, was sie sah, war Skuldugerry Pleasant, der quer durchs Zimmer auf sie zuhechtete.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Eventually, they decided that they wanted to”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

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“There's no such thing as winning or losing. There is a won and there is a lost, there is victory and defeat. There are absolutes. Everything in between is still left to fight for - Skulduggery Pleasant”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“she knew”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“softly. “Not much you can say to a story like that, is there?” “Not really.” “Yep, I win on the ol’ dramatic story front every time.” They stood in silence for a while. Despite the warmth of the night it was chilly up there, but Stephanie didn’t mind. “What happens now?” she asked. “The Elders go to war. They’ll find the castle empty – Serpine wouldn’t stay there after this – so they’ll be looking for him. They’ll also be tracking down his old allies to make sure they don’t get the opportunity to organise.” “And what do we do?” “We get to the Sceptre before Serpine.” “The key,” she said, “where is it?” He turned to her. “Gordon hid it. Clever man, your uncle. He didn’t think anyone should have access to that weapon, but he hid the key in a place where if we truly needed to find it, if the situation got so dire that we truly needed the Sceptre, all it would take was a little detective work.” “So where is it?” “The piece of advice he gave me, in the solicitor’s office, do you remember what it was?” “He said a storm is coming.” “And he also said that sometimes the key to safe harbour is hidden from us and sometimes it is right before our eyes.” “He was talking about the key, literally? It’s right before our eyes?” “It was, when those words were first spoken in the solicitor’s office.” “Fedgewick has the key?” “Not Fedgewick. He gave it away.” Stephanie frowned, remembering the reading of the will then the lock in the cellar, no bigger than Skulduggery’s palm. She looked up at him. “Not the brooch?” “The brooch.” “Gordon gave the key, the key to the most powerful weapon in existence, to Fergus and Beryl?” she asked incredulously. “Why would he do that?” “Would”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Skulduggery: The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives

Stephanie: It may depend

Skulduggery: Valkyrie--

Stephanie: Fine I'll go -

Skulduggery: Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monster. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Tanith: Serpine is used to the Elders taking forever to make their calm, thought-out decisions. So he won't be expecting anything as amazingly rash and reckless as this

Ghastly: That'll teach him to underestimate stupid people.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Serpine: No, my old enemy, I think for the moment anyway, we're all alone. And you have something I want

Skulduggery: A winning sense of style?”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“scythe,”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“they’ll start.” “What are they going to do about the Elder Council?” “Meritorious was a good man and the most powerful Grand Mage we had seen in a long time. The other Councils in Europe are worried about who will fill the vacuum now that he’s gone. The Americans are offering their support, the Japanese are sending delegates to help us wrest back some control, but…” “It sounds like a lot of people are panicking.” “And they have a right to. Our systems of power, our systems of self-government, are delicate. If we topple, others will follow. We need a strong leader.” “Why don’t you do it?” He laughed. “Because I’m not well liked, and I’m not well trusted, and I already have a job. I’m a detective, remember?” She gave her own little shrug. “Vaguely.” Another snippet of pub music drifted by the window, and Stephanie thought about the world she’d grown up in, and how different it was from the world she’d been introduced to, and yet how similar. There was joy and happiness in both, just as there was heartbreak and horror. There was good and evil and everything in between, and these qualities seemed to be shared equally in the worlds of the magical and the mundane. It was her life now. She couldn’t imagine living without either one. “How are you?” Skulduggery asked, his voice gentle.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Skulduggery waved at the Hollow Men and they hurtled backwards, then Stephanie felt a gloved hand close around her wrist and she was dragged out of the cavern. Skulduggery sprinted so fast she just allowed herself to be carried along in his wake. He knew exactly where he was going, and within minutes they were at the stone steps, hurrying up out of the caves. They reached the cellar and the key flew from the lock into his hand. The floor groaned and rumbled and closed up. “Will that hold him?” Stephanie asked. “He’s got the Sceptre,” Skulduggery said. “Nothing will hold him.” As if to prove his point, the floor started to crack. “Move!” Skulduggery shouted. They bolted up the stairs and Stephanie glanced back just as the floor vanished in a soft whump of dust and air. They plunged out of the house into the bright sunlight, the Hollow Men right behind. Stephanie was three steps from the yellow car when one of the Hollow Men grabbed her.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Don’t”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“mind”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“her,” he said. “She stares. That’s what she does”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“shoulders of a skeleton, and the five people”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“The fate of the world depends upon whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives ..." ~ Skulduggery Pleasant”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Gordon Edgley’s sudden death came as a shock to everyone – not least himself . . . A tragic loss, his mind echoed numbly as he slipped away.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Did you know he once lost a shopping centre? – Stephanie’s mum about her dad.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“My dear Stephanie . . .”

Stephanie froze. China looked at her. “I’ve known your name since before I met you, child. Your uncle spoke of you often.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“So you’ve finally chosen a name.”

“Yes. And I’m leaving. Right now.”

“Maybe you stand some chance after all. Before you go, will you do me the honour of introducing yourself?”

“Of course,” Stephanie said right before she walked out of the apartment. “My name is Valkyrie Cain.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“That’ll teach him to underestimate stupid people. – Ghastly”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“My grandfather believed . . . He believed that we were magic.”

Stephanie stared at him. “What?”

“He said it’d been passed down, this magic, generation to generation. He said we were descendants of a great sorcerer called the Last of the Ancients.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Tanith?” Stephanie whispered. Tanith looked up. “You have something . . .” She pointed to her own head as a hint. “It’s a leaf or something.”

“Oh, thanks,” Tanith said, and put her hand to her hair. She felt around until she found it and pulled it out. She examined it and frowned, looked closer, then her face contorted in disgust and she dropped it on the table. “Oh my God.”

“What is it?”

“It’s a piece of Hollow Man skin.”

Stephanie blanched. “Oh, that’s disgusting.”

“It was in my hair,” Tanith moaned.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Serpine: You have caused me so much trouble over the years detective. It's almost a shame to end it

Skulduggery: You're surrendering?”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Do you have a weapon for me, or do you want me to beat her to death with a large stick? - Mr Bliss”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Skulduggery: What do you get if you kill the Elders?

Stephanie: This sounds like a joke

Skulduggery: Valkyrie --

Stephanie: I don't know

Skulduggery: Yes, yes you do.. not think what would killing the Elders result in?

Stephanie: Panic, fear? Three empty spaces in the Sanctuary - Skulduggery Pleasant”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Serpine underestimates you. Everyone underestimates you. You're stronger than they know. You're stronger than you know - Skulduggery”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Cow - Tanith Low”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“You haven’t trained in magic or combat, but you’re not weak. Serpine underestimates you. Everyone underestimates you. You’re stronger than they know. You’re stronger than you know.”

“I wish you were right.”

“Of course I’m right. I’m me.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Skulduggery, she's not being professional - Tanith Low”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“You can only anticipate what someone is going to do if you know know exactly what that someone has just done - Skulduggery Pleasant.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Cheer up everyone, since we're all going to die horribly anyway, what's there to be worried about? - Skulduggery Pleasant.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

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“Stephanie: Why can't you break in? You broke into the Vault

Skulduggery: That's different

Stephanie: Yes, it had alarms and vampires - this'll be so much easier

Skulduggery: There are times when extreme measures are unnecessary

Stephanie: Extreme measures are very necessary here!”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“To betray is to act against, I just haven't acted at all - China Sorrows”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“Serpine: Well, Skulduggery? Where is that tired old defiance - the taunting, the goading? Where are the endless heroic clinches? Aren't you going to look me in the eye and tell me to do my worst?

Skulduggery: Actually, I was going to ask that you go easy on me. I'm feeling kind of tender today

Serpine: This is your one chance. Tell me where the key is

Skulduggery:OK

Serpine: Really?

Skulduggery: No, only joking. Do your worst.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“And The Darkness Rained Upon Them. The”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“There is a place called reality. It is a place where people use doors instead of windows. Where, when you click a sound is made not a flame. Where, a shadow is a thing created by the sun, not a weapon. Where, your reflection stats in the mirror. And where skeletons don’t walk and talk. But you can escape this place. You just have to have one thing. Imagination.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

“There is a place called reality. It is a place where people use doors instead of windows. Where, when you click a sound is made not a flame. Where, a shadow is a thing created by the sun, not a weapon. Where, your reflection stays in the mirror. And where skeletons don’t walk and talk. But you can escape this place. You just have to have one thing. Imagination.”

― , Skulduggery Pleasant

Skulduggery Pleasant: Playing with FireEdit

“Are you going to shoot me?' Vengeous sneered. 'I wouldn't be surprised. What would a thing like you know about honor? Only a heathen would bring a gun to a sword fight.'

And only a moron would bring a sword to a gunfight.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“So that plan worked out well.'

Skulduggery, your entire plan consisted of, and I quote, "Let's get up close and then see what happens."'

All the same,' he said, 'I think the whole thing worked out rather beautifully.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Vengeous scowled. 'As you can see,' he said, 'you are vastly outnumbered.'

I usually am.'

Your situation has become quite untenable.'

It usually does.'

You are within moments of being swarmed by these filthy creatures of undeath and torn apart in a maelstrom of pain and fury.'

Skulduggery paused. 'Okay, that's a new one on me.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“We didn't die,' she said.

Of course not. I'm too clever to die, and you're too pretty.'

I am pretty,' Valkryie said, managing a grin.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“That's beautiful,' Valkyrie said, looking at it.

Isn't it? This necklace has cost two very fine men their lives. At times, I wear it in tribute to their sacrifice. Other times, I wear it because it goes with this skirt.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“He looked at her. 'In order to finish, I'll have to have defeated six Infected, Dusk, and Vengeous himself.'

Yeah. So?'

The Infected I can manage.'

She frowned. 'And Vengeous? I mean, you can beat him, right?'

Well,' he said, "I can certainly try. And trying is half the battle.'

What's the other half?'

He shrugged. 'Hitting him more times than he hits me.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“What is it with you women?" he yelled, kicking at the air. "You come into our lives, you take everythin'! Throughout the years you got little pieces of me, of my very SOUL, and NOW? Now you got my damn straight razor! How am I supposed to kill people? How am I supposed to even SHAVE?”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“If things go wrong, I'll lead them away. Once it's clear, get back to the car. If you don't see me in five minutes, then I've probably died a very brave and heroic death. Oh and don't Oh, and don't touch the radio--I've got it tuned right where I want it and I don't want you messing that up.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Enjoy that?" Tanith said with a little grin.

Valkyrie grinned back, her eyes bright. "I keep telling Skulduggery he should get a bike."

"What does he say?"

"He says people who wear leathers, like you, should ride motorbikes. People who wear exquisite suits, like him, should drive Bentleys.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“An untied shoelace can be dangerous,' he said.

'I could have tripped.'

She stared at him. A moment dragged by.

'I'm joking,' he said at last.

She relaxed. 'Really?'

'Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Is he all scarred now?”

“Magic gets rid of most physical scars, but I like to think I scarred him emotionally.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Was it a test?” she asked. “I mean, I know I'm still new to this. I'm still the rookie. Did you hang back to test me, to see if I'd be able to handle it alone?”

“Well, kind of,” he said. “Actually, no, nothing like that. My shoelace was untied. That's why I was late. That's why you were alone.”

“I could have been killed because you were tying your SHOELACE?”

“An untied shoelace an be dangerous,” he said. “I could have tripped.”

She stared at him. A moment dragged by.

“I'm joking,” he said at last.

She relaxed. “Really?”

“Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“They might be kittens," she said hopefully.

"They're stalking us."

"They might be shy."

"I don't think it's kittens, Valkyrie."

"Puppies, then?”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Well, to put it delicately, she has the power to suck out people's brains.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Come and have a go, if you think you're hard enough”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Only a heathen would bring a gun to a sword fight.'

And only a moron would bring a sword to a gunfight.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Guild doesn't like me."

"That's true."

"He doesn't like you, ether."

"That is mystifying.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“We're here on Sanctuary business," Skulduggery tried.

The man on Deadfall's right bristled, and Deadfall grinned. "Hear that, Pete? They're with that Sanctuary."

Hokum Pete snarled. "I hate the Sanctuary."

"Oh," Skulduggery said.

"We all hate the Sanctuary."

"Ah. Then we're not here on Sanctuary business. I was just joking.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“What the hell is so funny?"

"First of all," she said, her confidence growing, "they're not my MASTERS. I don't have a MASTER. Second, they don't need a battalion to take you down. And third -- and this is really the most important point -- whoever said I came alone?”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Please forgive me," Pleasant said, then aimed the gun at the girl and pulled the trigger.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Scapegrace leaped up. “I am the Killer Supreme! I make

murder into an art form!”

Skulduggery hit him again and Scapegrace did a little twirl

before falling.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Where are you going?"

"Nowhere special. I just have some... things to do."

"Why did you pause?'

"I'm sorry?"

"You paused. You have 'some... things to do.'

"No reason, I just--"

"You're up to something."

"No--"

"Then why'd you pause?"

"Get in the car."

She got in. He got in.

"Seat belt," he said.

Why'd you pause?"

His head drooped. "Because I'm up to somthing."

"And why can't I come with you?"

"Because it's something sneaky."

"Do you promise to tell me later?"

"I do."

"Well all right then." She clicked her seat belt into place. "Let's go.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“She glared at him. “I'm not weird like that. I'm good weird. I'm cool weird.”

“Yes,” he said doubtfully. “Yes, you are.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“I used to be so good at that kind of thing," Skulduggery said quietly.

"Well, my morale is certainly boosted," Valkyrie informed him.

"Really?"

"god no. That was terrible”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Have you killed anyone?” she asked quickly.

“What? Did you miss what I said, about turning murder into

an art form?”

“But you haven’t actually killed anyone yet, have you? I read

your file.”

He glowered. “Technically, yeah, all right, maybe I haven’t”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“The Torment turned his head to him, and frowned. "Who are you?"

"I'm... sorry? It's me, it's Vaurien. Vaurien Scapegrace. I... built the cellar for you?"

"Oh," the Torment said. "You. Why are you back? I thought you were dead. It would have been nice if you were dead”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“You've been reading Gordan's book again, haven't you?"

"It's a white-knuckle roller-coaster ride," she mumbled.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Bravery is the acknowledgment and the conquering of fear.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“We're just going to retreat?”

“We are not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

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“Ah, the twins. I’ll never forget the day they were born,” and his smile dipped as he added, “no matter how hard I try…”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“You’re still upset about that time I made you explode, aren’t you? I can tell.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“So what about Vengeous? Is he bad news?"

"The worst. I don't think he's ever forgotten the time I threw a bundle of dynamite at him. It didn't kill him, obviously, but it definitely ruined his day."

"Is he all scarred now?"

"Magic gets rid of most physical scars, but I like to think that I scarred him emotionally.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“be brave”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“[..]...

"What does he look like?" Valkyrie asked.

"Black hair, pretty pale. Ugly scar on his face. Looks like a vamp."

"You should get back inside," Skulduggery said. "Lock the doors."

"You got it, Kemo sabe. I'll keep my crucifix close."

"Vampires aren't scared of a crucifix, Finbar."

"I don't plan to wave it at him, I plan to hit him with it. It's really heavy. I figure I can do some considerable damage to his head." He Stepped back and closed the door.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“No one likes sarcasm, Miss Cain. I’ve merely delayed my exit to promise you something. You took my straight razor, li’l darlin’. That I view as an unforgivable offense. So when the time comes, when you have served your purpose, I swear to you I’m gonna kill you for free.” And with that, Billy-Ray Sanguine disappeared into the ground. Then he popped his head back up. “Or at least half price.” And he was gone again.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Bravery, after all, isn't the absence of fear. Bravery is the acknowledgement and the conquering of fear.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Skulduggery walked over slowly. He had picked up his severed arm and was now holding it out to her.

"Here," he said. "Let me give you a hand.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“I want you all to know,” Skulduggery said, “that we are the first line of defence. In fact, we’re practically the only line of defence. If we fail, there won’t be a whole lot anyone else will be able to do. What I’m trying to say is that failure at this point isn’t really the smart move to make. We are not to fail, do I make myself absolutely clear? Failure is bad, it won’t help us in the short term and certainly won’t do us any favours in the long run, and I think I’ve lost track of this speech, and I’m not too sure where it’s headed. But I know where it started and that’s what you’ve got to keep in mind. Where’s my hat?”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Valkyrie: Do we have a plan?

Skulduggery: WE need to get the Grotesquery away from the bad guys, so we'll have to split up I'm going to leave, you're going to go hide under the van, wait until they load the Grotesquery in there, and then you're going to drive off under their noses

Valkyrie: What?

Skulduggery: It'll be really funny trust me”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Skulduggery: It would be a tad redudant to encourage you to hurry up, wouldn't it? Whatever you do, do not fall over. Falling over, I think, would be the wrong move to make at this moment

Valkyrie: Hate...

Skulduggery: Yes?

Valkyrie: Hate... You...

Skulduggery: Breathe some more air, the lack of oxygen is making you delirious.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“I used a new mixture. The ingredients are a bit harder to find, but for my favourite patients I like to make sure the healing process is as painless as possible.”

“I’m on that list?” Valkyrie asked, her smile growing wider.

Kenspeckle snorted. “You are the list.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“And I won’t be needing a sword to kill you.” He strode towards Skulduggery, who raised his hand. “Um, since you’re not going to be using it, can I?”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Sanguine: That hurt

Tanith: I can make this easy on you

Sanguine: You gonna give me that sword of yours?

Tanith: No, but if you tell me what Baron Vengeous is planning, I'll let you walk away from here

Sanguine: But I drove here.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Look at what you've done,' Sanguine said, shaking his head with mock severity. 'You have foiled out insidious little plot. You have emerged triumphant and victorious. Curse you, do-gooders. Curse you.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“You are a known associate of the man called the Torment.”

He shrugged. “News to me.”

“What is?”

“That I know him.”

“Know who?”

“What?”

“That you know the Torment?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you do know him?”

“Yeah.” Then quickly, “No.”

“You don’t know him?”

“I, no, I, no. Never heard of him.”

“I hate to say this, Vaurien, but that’s astoundingly unconvincing.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Do not try to hit me again.” “How about me?” Skulduggery said as he ran up behind him. “Can I hit you?”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“I wonder, skeleton, would you still be alive? Would you be conscious if you were dice, or keys on a piano?” “Always wanted a life in music,” Skulduggery mumbled.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Tanith: How did Skulduggery sound?

Valkyrie: Angry and worried; He's only OK when I'm attacked by people he knows. He'd never even heard of this Sangunie guy”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Sanguine: Shackles can't hold me, pretty lady. I'm immune to just about every binding spell I reckon you ever heard of, and a few more you haven't. That's what makes me special

Tanith: That and your psychopathic tendencies

Sanguine: Oh, they don't make me special. They just make me fun.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Excuse me, I believe you're standing on my sword. I don't think this is entirely fair, you're angry with Skulduggery because he didn't kill Valkyrie, but you and me, we've never even met. I mean, you have no reason to attack me, if you got to know me, if you took the time, I'm sure you'd really like me. I'm a likeable girl, everyone says so - Tanith Low”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Kenspeckle: Have you eaten?

Valkyrie: One of your assistants brought me a burger for breakfast

Kenspeckle: I meant, have you eaten sensibly?

Valkyrie: I was very sensible while I was eating the burger. Didn't miss my mouth once”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Sanguine: You mind if I take pictures? Brought my own camera and everythin'

Valkyrie: Knock yourself out

Sanguine: Thanks

Valkyrie: No, really, run head first into a wall and knock yourself out”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“*After Skulduggery kills Valkyrie*

Skulduggery: This has been a good day so far, all things considered, I have the location of the Grotesquey and I got to kill Valkyrie, which admittedly is something I've been wanting to do since I met her, she can be incredibly annoying

Scapegrace: Um

Skulduggery: She hardly ever shut up, I pretended to be the friends with her, but honestly, I just felt sorry for the poor girl. Not the brightest you know.

Valkyrie: You're such a goon.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Scapegrace: Back then, I was full of ideas, I was going to renovate the whole front of the pub,, and extend out to the west, maybe get in a music system a little dancefloor. In the end, I decided not to. Too expensive, you know. And, like, nobody wanted to dance so.

Skulduggery: Vaurien, if you're trying to kill us, there are quicker ways than telling us your life story

Valkryie: Less painful too.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Just put the stone in your pocket, then leave me in an empty room so I can gaze out at all the Edgleys and laugh. Or maybe I'll pretend to be a ghost and haunt Beryl - Echo-Gordon (Skulduggery Pleasant: Playing With Fire)”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“The main difference between her and her friends was not the magic, she knew, and nor was it the adventure. It was the fact that she knew what she wanted to do with her life, and she was already doing it.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Everyone’s in love with China.”

“Ah yes, but my love was stronger and true. I think she knew that, and I think, in her own way, she loved me as much as I loved her. Or loved Gordon as much as he loved . . . no, as much as I loved . . . she loved Gordon as much as I loved her. Or something.”

“Are . . . are you sure you’re OK?”

“Just having a small existential crisis, nothing to worry about.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Finbar shook his head. “Nope, wouldn’t call us friends, exactly. Associates, or . . . or . . . not colleagues, but . . . I mean, we know each other, like, but . . .”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Her reflection had hidden something from her.

This, Valkyrie thought to herself, is probably not a good sign.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

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“I’m afraid I can’t let you take it. I could, you know, give you its big toe or something, as a keepsake, but that’s about it.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Only a heathen would bring a gun to a swordfight.” “And only a moron would bring a sword to a gunfight.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“The great Skeleton Detective, in the flesh – figuratively speakin’, of course.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“This necklace has cost two very fine men their lives. At times I wear it in tribute to their sacrifice. Other times, I wear it because it goes with this skirt, - China Sorrows”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“What is it with you women? You come into out lives, you take everythin'! Throughtout the years you got little peces of me, of my very soul, and now? Now you got my damn straight razor! How am I supposed to kill people? How am I supposed to even shave? - Billy-Ray Sanguine”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Valkyrie: Guild doesn't like me

Skulduggery: That's true

Valkyrie: He doesn't like you either

Skulduggery: Now that is mystifying.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“driveway, her hip scraping as she tumbled, her skin torn and bleeding. She knew she should have worn trousers. The world rocked to a stop, balanced itself out and she opened her eyes. The Infected were standing looking at her, and Dusk strode through them, his eyes narrowed and his lips curled in hatred. And then Valkyrie was up and running. She was sore, she felt blood on her legs and arms, but she ignored the pain. She looked back, saw the mass of Infected surge after her. She passed the club gates and took the first road to her left, losing a shoe in the process and cursing herself for not wearing boots. It was narrow, and dark, with fields on one side and a row of back gardens on the other. She came to a junction. Up one way she could see headlights, so she turned down the other, leading the Infected away from any bystanders. She darted in off the road, running behind the Pizza Palace and the video store, realising her mistake when she heard the voices around the next corner. The pub had a back door that smokers used. She veered off to her right, ran for the garden wall and leaped over it. She stayed low, and wondered for a moment if she’d managed to lose the Infected so easily. Dusk dropped on to her from above and she cried out. He sent her reeling. “I’m not following the rules any more,” he said. She looked at him, saw him shaking. He took a syringe from his coat and let it drop. “No more rules. No more serum. This time, there’ll be nothing to stop me tearing you limb from limb.” He grunted as the pain hit. “I’m sorry I cut you,” Valkyrie tried, backing away. “Too late. You can run if you want. Adrenaline makes the blood taste sweeter.” He smiled and she saw the fangs start to protrude through his gums. He brought his hands to his shirt, and then, like Superman, he ripped the shirt open. Unlike Superman, however, he took his flesh with it, revealing the chalk-white skin of the creature underneath. Valkyrie darted towards him and his eyes widened in surprise. She dived, snatched the syringe from the ground and plunged it into his leg. Dusk roared, kicked her on to her back, his transformation interrupted. He tried to rip off the rest of his humanity, but his human skin tore at the neck. This wasn’t the smooth shucking she’d seen the previous night. This was messy and painful. Valkyrie scrambled up. The Infected had heard Dusk’s anguished cries, and they were closing in. he Edgley family reunion was taking up the main function hall, at the front of the building, leaving the rear of the golf club in darkness. That was probably a good thing, Tanith reflected, as she watched Skulduggery fly backwards through the air. The Torment-spider turned to her and she dodged a slash from one of his talons. She turned and ran, but he was much faster. Tanith jumped for the side of the building and ran upwards, a ploy that had got her out of a lot of trouble in the past, but then, she had never faced a giant spider before. His talons clacked as he followed her up, chattering as he came.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Did you know, and this is a fact here, did you know that most spiders are ugly? It's true. The woman spiders have it really hard time of it. I saw it on a documentary. Why do you think the Black Widow kills the guy she mates with? Shame, that's why - Tanith Low”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Skulduggery: You won't want to move any sudden moves until we reach the road - I'll know if you crazy kids disturbs the air around the nice bag of explosives

Valkyrie: Blow it up

Skulduggery: Can't do that

Valkyrie: Why not?

Skulduggery: Not a bomb. It's a bag with collapsible jacks; for changin tyres

Valkryie: What about the remote?

Skulduggery: It opens my garage door. Don't tell them, but it doesn't even have any batteries in it”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Is it fun? Doin' all that detectin'? I always wanted to be a detective. I was one, for about a year, I liked the romance of it all. The suits, the hats, the dark alleys, the femme fetale, all that quick talkin' ... But I couldn't stop killin' folk. I mean, they'd hire me, I'd try to solve their mystery, nut halfway through I'd get bored and end up killin' them, and then the case'd be over and that'd be it. I solved one single murder that whole year, but I don't think that really counts, seein' as how I was the killer. I think that's kinda cheatin', in a way - Billy-Ray Sanguine.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Skulduggery: I don't know what they are, but there are dozens of them, relatively small, moving as a pack

Valkyrie: They might be kittens

Skulduggery: They're stalking us

Valkyrie: They might be shy

Skulduggery: I don't think they're kittens

Valkyrie: Puppies then?”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“The enemy of my enemy is not necessarily my friend - Skulduggery Pleasant.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“I am turning murder into an art form. When I – when I kill, I’m actually painting a big, big picture, using blood and, and . . . messiness, you know? – Scapegrace”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Stephanie, what are you doing here? – Gordon (in the Echo Stone)”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“What you are saying, skeleton, is blasphemous.”

“You’re the one who dug up your own god.” . . .

Vengeous scowled. “As you can see, you’re vastly outnumbered.”

“I usually am.”

“Your situation has become quite untenable.”

“It usually does.”

“You are within moments of being swamped by these filthy creatures of Undeath and torn apart in a maelstrom of pain and fury.”

Skulduggery paused. “OK, that’s a new one to me.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“You got it, kemo sabe. I’ll keep my crucifix close.”

“Vampires aren’t scared of a crucifix, Finbar.”

“I don’t plan to wave it at him, I plan to hit him with it. It’s really heavy. I figure I can do some considerable damage to his head.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“That girl,” Skulduggery muttered, “never does what she’s bloody well told…”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“The enemy of my enemy is not necessarily my friend.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“You better not be implying what I think you’re implying.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“If the world ends, none of that will matter.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“You’ll have a wonderful time.” “I hate you.” “I know.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Is it fun? Doin' all that detectin'? I always wanted to be a detective. I was one, for about a year, I liked the romance of it all. The suits, the hats, the dark alleys, the femme fetale, all that quick talkin' ... But I couldn't stop killin' folk. I mean, they'd hire me, I'd try to solve their mystery, nut halfway through I'd get bored and end up killin' them, and then the case'd be over and that'd be it. I solved one single murder that whole year, but I don't think that really counts, seein' as how I was the killer. I think that's kinda cheatin', in a way.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“People my own age don’t fight monsters, Tanith. If they did, I’d be hanging out with them a lot more.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“If you don't see me in five minutes, then I've probably died a brave and heroic death.”

― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

Skulduggery Pleasant: The Faceless OnesEdit

“Then I reckon we got ourselves a good old-fashioned standoff."

...

Nobody moved, or said anything, for the next few moments.

"Old-fashioned standoffs are mighty borin”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“That's a shame. I'm sure somebody, somewhere, cares.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“I'm sorry, I don't know what any of you want, or why guns and knives are being waved around, or why the girl has just been taken hostage, but everyone seems to be acting like having a TALKING SKELETON in the room is perfectly normal. And you, where are your eyes? How can you see? How come the only people with eyes in this room are me and her?”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“Clarabelle laughed like she'd just heard the funniest thing ever. "Of course you HOPE you won't die, Valkyrie! Who would HOPE to die? That's just SILLY! But you probably WILL die, that's what I'm saying. Don't you think so?”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

You don't treat me like a child."

He smiled. "Of course I do, but you seem to have this ridiculous notion that being treated like a child means to be treated with less respect than an adult.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“It’s fairly standard. Also, I’m fourteen. Also, your

beard’s stupid.”

“Isn’t this fun?” Skulduggery said brightly. “The three of us

getting along so well.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“tanith: have you called the police?

fergus: they, uh, they said theyd call by this afternoon.

tanith: tell them not to bother... im his doctor.

beryl: what kind of doctor dresses in brown leather?

tanith: the kind that looks good init”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“Do you think we’ll be waiting long?” Valkyrie asked,

keeping her voice low.

“The last time we were in this building, we accused the

Grand Mage of being a traitor,” Skulduggery said. “Yes, I think

we’ll be waiting long.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“Oh my god you're thicker than you look”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“Well, yeah, but she looks, like, twenty-two. And she acts like a four-year-old.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“I don't show off. I merely demonstrate my abilities at opportune times.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“He has a name."

"Oh yeah. Skulduggery isn’t it?" Fletcher responded. "That’s an unusual one. Tell me were you born a skeleton or were your folks just disturbingly hopeful?”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“I’m sophisticated, charming, suave and debonair, Professor. But I have never claimed to be civilised.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“Detective, have you ever considered the fact that violence is the recourse of the uncivilised man?” Skulduggery looked back. “I’m sophisticated, charming, suave and debonair, Professor. But I have never claimed to be civilised.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“A man is only as effective as the effect he has on his surroundings,' Gordon was saying. 'And if a man is not effective, if his very being is as insubstantial as thought, then what is this man? Is he a man? Or is he merely the thought of a man?”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“I don't show off. I merely demonstrate my abilities at opportune times." - Skulduggery Pleasant”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“You don't treat me like a child."

He smiled. "Of course I do, but you seem to have this ridiculous notion that being treated like a child means to be treated with less respect than an adult.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“Mum," she called, "we're out of milk."

"Damn lazy cows," her mother muttered.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“I, uh, I hit a tree."

"Well, I'm sure it had it coming.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“Valkyrie dried her hands. "I'm not going to die anytime soon, Clarabelle."

"I like your coat by the way."

"Thanks."

"It's a little small for you though."

"Yeah."

"Can I have it when you're dead?”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“I think I have some leftover pizza from when you were last here."

"That was two weeks ago."

"You think it's gone off?"

"I think it's walked off.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“A theory is the academic equivalent of a guess. - Gordon”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“Once again, events beyond her control had dragged her into the middle of things. China was not impressed.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“You killed the teleporters." - Valkyrie

"I did." - Paddy

"You are Batu."

"I am... Sorcerers would tell me their biggest secrets - do you know why? Because I'm a mere mortal. Because they're far too arrogant to think that a mortal could pose a threat to gods like them.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“matter how sharp the corner they turned or how deep the pothole they plunged into, Ghastly and Tanith remained perfectly still. Fletcher, on the other hand, was being thrown about like an old shoe in a washing machine, and he did not appreciate it.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“I don't show off. I merely demonstrate my abilities at opportune times”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“How... how do I die?"

"In pain," he said. "Screaming... She said there was an enemy you had to fight. A creature of darkness. She said Skulduggery fought by your side for some of it, but... she sensed things more than she saw them, you know? She felt terror, and death, and futility. She felt the world on the edge of destruction, and she sensed evil. Unimaginable evil.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“The world is a dangerous place. In order for people like you to live in relative safety, there need to be people like me.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“Skulduggery: " What are they planning."

Sanguine: " What're who plannin'?"

Ghastly tightened his grip, and Sanguine spoke quickly.

"They ain't plannin' nothin'! This is a straight trade!"

"Ghastly, break his arm."

"Ghastly, do not brake my arm!!"

"Do it."

"There,s a bomb!"

Skulduggery leaned in "Where?"

"Guild's jacket, he doesn't even know it's there. Gallow has the detonator. It's a small bomb, but enough to kill everyone here. Me included. So if you could do me a favor and stop him from gettin' close, that'd be just swell.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“Being around you puts my life in constant danger. I’ve fought monsters and vampires and I’ve almost died twice, and you think they’d choose to kill you over a tattoo?”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“This is Resolute Thread. The more pressure applied, the stronger it gets. It’s very rare. They say it was made from the stomach lining of an emperor dragon, over 2000 years ago.” “Was it?” “No, it’s just really strong thread.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“I’ll be sure to pass on the compliment when I’m hitting his face,” Skulduggery assured him.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, young lady. I have plenty of cartridges for my shotgun and this is a new pair of trousers. I’m ready.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“Tell me: do you ever actually remember having a heart, or were you born dead?”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“She had a massive headache and there was blood running down her face, but she seemed to be otherwise OK.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“Crux sneered. “That’s an awfully big word for a thirteen-year-old.” Valkyrie resisted the urge to hit him. “Actually, it’s not,” she replied. “It’s fairly standard. Also, I’m fourteen. Also, your beard’s stupid.” “Isn’t this fun?” Skulduggery said brightly. “The three of us getting along so well.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“will heal your wounds,” he said, “but I will not facilitate your battles.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“I will heal your wounds,” he said, “but I will not facilitate your battles.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“But how do we get the last Faceless One to go back through?” “We’re going to let it chase us.” “Us?” “Well, I say ‘us’. I mean you.” “Terrific,” Valkyrie muttered.”

― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

Skulduggery Pleasant: Dark DaysEdit

“Valkyrie, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your friend is most likely dead.”

“Of course he’s dead. He’s a skeleton.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“Well, for future reference, this is my serious face.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“Can I just point something out?" Fletcher asked. "That is an awful plan. On a scale of one to ten - the Trojan War being a ten and General Custer verus all those Indians being a one - your plan is a zero. I don't think it is a plan at all. I think it's just a series of happenings that are, to be honest, unlikely to follow on from each other in the way in which everyone's probably hoping."

"Do you have a better plan?" Valkyrie asked.

"Of course not. I'm a man of action, not thought."

Valkyrie nodded. "You're defintely not a man of thought."

"Why are you in charge anyway? What do you know about organising something like this?"

"I have faith," Tanith said.

"As do I," said Ghastly.

Valkyrie smiled at them gratefully. "So you think the plan will work?"

"God, no," said Ghastly.

"Sorry, Val," said Tanith”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“So this," she said, "what's happening and what's going to happen, this isn't your fault. You can't control everything and not everything is your responsibility. At Croke Park you said something about how you don't want to drag me around after you so I can die beside you. I wanted to tell you then, but I didn't have the words and I didn't have the time. I'm here because I choose to be. You save my life. I save yours. That's how we work."

"Until the end."

"Until the end.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“He stepped closer to her. "Thank you for saving me," he said softly, and wrapped the bones of his arms around her. Valkyrie smiled and hugged him back.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“Her father sagged as relief spread through him. “I thought

something awful was happening.”

She frowned. “Something awful was happening. It could have

got stuck in my hair.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“We don’t need a cure,” the other zombie said.

“That’s right,” Scapegrace nodded.

“We’re happy the way we are.”

“Happy with the power,” Scapegrace clarified.

“Very happy, just the two of us, and there’s nothing wrong with us either. It’s very natural in fact. Nothing to be ashamed of—”

“Thrasher,” said Scapegrace, “shut up.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“We don’t do what we do for the glory or the fame or the credit; we do it for the quiet satisfaction of making the world a better place, saving the lives of innocents, and being better than you are.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“I've always been a monster,' Scapegrace told her, 'but now, finally, my physical for reflects my inner darkness.'

'You smell terrible.'

'That's the smell of evil.'

'It's like rancid meat and bad eggs.'

'Evil," Scapegrace insisted.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“They're not going to arrest you,' Skulduggery said as they walked through the door. 'They might glare at you and say angry words, but they won't arrest you. Well, they might arrest you. There's a good chance they will. But the important thing is that I've done nothing wrong.'

'For once.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“Everyone gets tortured these days. Skulduggery by Serpine, who then turned around and did that red right hand thing at you. Then Skulduggery was tortured again by the Faceless Ones. I figured it was my turn, you know? You're not part of the team if you haven't been tortured- that's what I always say. Well, I'll be saying that from now on anyway.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!'

Skulduggery nodded. 'Just got back.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“Stop hittin’ me!" he cried. "This is hardly fair, now is it? Two of you against me?"

“You’re the one who came at us with a gun,” Ghastly said, standing over him.

“But that was for a giggle,” Jack tried. “I wasn’t aimin’ at you, I swear.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“Seeing you with a face would be weird. Do you think you’d have hair?”

“Oh yes. Hair is a must.”

“Would you have a moustache?”

“Why would I have a moustache?”

“I’m not sure. What about your ears?”

“I’d have ears too, yes.”

“I can’t imagine you with ears.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“My wife was saying to me just the other day how she's noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because I thought you were gone forever.'

'I missed you too, Thurid.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“He laughed and was about to retort when she grabbed his collar and pulled him into her. She clamped her lips around his mouth and mashed her face into his. He took a step back in surprise and she went with him, stepping in a patch of wet floor. Her legs went out from under her and flailed as she fell, whacking him in the throat on the way down. She looked up at him as he gagged and coughed, and from across the corridor she could hear Tanith laughing hysterically. "I think I need practice," Valkyrie muttered.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“We've decided to get a pet," her dad announced... "Like, I don't know, a brother or a sister?”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“We can hold them off," Shudder said. "What do you think, Skulduggery?"

"Should be fun," Skulduggery responded. "Valkyrie here has never held off a horde of zombies before. It'll be a good experience for her."

"Oh, joy," she muttered.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“Tanith looked back to Valkyrie. "And Val, relax, OK? We've though of everything."

"Skulduggery told me once that only he thinks of everythings, but he doesn't do it very often because it spoils the surprise."...

"Easy as proverbial pie."

"Unless something goes wrong," Valkyrie said.

"Well, yes. Unless something goes horribly, dreadfully wrong. Which it usually does of course.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“What's your name?" Scapegrace asked.

"Gerald," said the man.

Scapegrace pondered. Gerald the zombie just didn't have that fear-inducing ring to it. "I'm going to call you Thrasher," he said.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“We passed Clarabelle," Skulduggery said. "She drank from one of the test tubes she was holding."

Kenspeckle's head dropped. "That girl," he said. "One of these days she'll learn. I don't know what she'll learn, but she'll learn and it will be a good day."

"Is she in any danger?"

He started searching drawers. "Not really. Both tubes contain mineral water. You'd be astonished how many I've given her water and told her it was something else and not to drink it. She always drinks it though. Always. It's a compulsion.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“I don't care how smart you are," Guild said. "Sanctuary experts have examined that bomb for decades and they still have no idea how it worked, let alone how to fix it in a single afternoon."

"Of course they don't, you damn fool. They didn't build the thing in the first place, now did they?" - Kenspeckle”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“For now Valkyrie remembered where she had seen that name before. In the Book of Names, in that final column. Next to Stephanie Edgley, next to Valkyrie Cain. Her true name. The only name that ever really mattered.

Darquesse.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“I have faith,” Tanith said. “As do I,” said Ghastly. Valkyrie smiled at them gratefully. “So you think the plan will work?” “God, no,” said Ghastly. “Sorry,”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“You’ll know they’ve spotted us when they screech,” Skulduggery told her. The creatures screeched.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“I was changing my head. It feels good to have the old one back on. And now I have a spare, which is nice.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“Have you ever heard of Remnants? - Skulduggery”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“I have faith,” Tanith said. “As do I,” said Ghastly. Valkyrie smiled at them gratefully. “So you think the plan will work?” “God, no,” said Ghastly. “Sorry, Val,” said Tanith.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“The dream of peace, you understand, is a dream that comforts everyone except the soldier on the battlefield. He can't think about peace. He can't hesitate. The soldier lives in the war. In combat, war is his mother, his friend and his god. To believe in anything else is suicide.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

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“Skulduggery tilted his head. “Do you have a car?” “Nope.” “Then we’ll take mine.” “Probably wise. I think I’ve forgoten how to drive.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“I owe you everything.” “Uh…wow.” “I owe all of you everything.” “But mostly me,” Fletcher said.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“Thank you again, all of you.” He walked away. “But mostly me,” Fletcher called after him and Valkyrie punched his arm.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“Say thank you, Detective Marr, for letting me stand up.” And Valkyrie said, “Thank you, Detective Marr, for giving me back my ring.” Marr’s eyes flickered to the ground where the ring had fallen, but it wasn’t there any more, and before she could do anything about it, Valkyrie sent a fist of shadows slamming into the detective’s chest.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“If we’re going to go through with this,” he said gruffly, “then hurry it up. It’s not everyday I send someone into hell.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“Valkyrie was thankful Fletcher was around. Finally, somebody who knew even less than she did.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“Say thank you," Marr said, controlling the air with her hand. "Say thank you, Detective Marr, for letting me stand up."

And Valkyrie said, "Thank you, Detective Marr, for giving me back my ring.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“Wreath frowned. "Billy-Ray Sanguine? What would he want with a Soul Catcher?"

"This is just a guess," Skulduggery said, "but maybe he wants to use it to catch a soul.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“Darquesse is the sorcerer who destroys the world," Finbar said. "And I mean she levels it. I've seen cities flattened, like a nuke had gone off. Everything's burning. I see little snippets as it happens. This woman in black... Mevolent was nothing compared to this kind of evil.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“So this,” she said, “what’s happening and what’s going to happen, this isn’t your fault. You can’t control everything and not everything is your responsibility. At Croke Park you said something about how you don’t want to drag me around after you just so I can die beside you. I wanted to tell you then, but I didn’t have the words and I didn’t have the time. I’m here because I choose to be. You save my life. I save yours. That’s how we work.”

“Until the end.”

“Until the end.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

“I wasn't always who I am now. No one ever is. I've spent my entire lifetime becoming who I am. Finally, I'm here and I'm old. It's depressing, it really is.”

― Derek Landy, Dark Days

Skulduggery Pleasant: Mortal CoilEdit

“They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," Valkyrie said.

China glanced at her. "They've obviously never met me.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Stairs," Valkyrie said, disappointed.

"Not just ordinary stairs," Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs."

"Really?"

"Oh, yes."

She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?"

"They just are."

"In what way?"

"In a magicky way."

She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?"

"Not really.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“I need a weapon,” Valkyrie muttered.

“You’re an Elemental with a Necromancer ring, trained in

a variety of martial arts by some of the best fighters in the world,” Skulduggery pointed out. “I’m fairly certain that makes you a weapon.”

“I mean a weapon you hold. You have a gun, Tanith has a sword... I want a stick.”

“I’ll buy you a stick for Christmas.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay." - China Sorrows -”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“So he has no head'

'Thats usually what headless means'

'No head at all?'

'Your really not getting the whole headless thing are you?'

'Its just kind of silly even for us...”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Plans are invitation to disappointment.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Valkyrie Cain got out of the passenger side. She zipped up

her black jacket against the cold, and joined Skulduggery as he

walked up to the front door. She glanced at him, and saw that he was smiling.

"Stop doing that,” she sighed.

“Stop doing what?” Skulduggery responded in that gloriously velvet voice of his.

“Stop smiling. The person we want to talk to lives in the only dark house on a bright street. That’s not a good sign.”

“I didn’t realise I was smiling,” he said.

They stopped at the door, and Skulduggery made a concerted effort to shift his features. His mouth twitched

downwards. “Am I smiling now?”

“No.”

“Excellent,” he said, and the smile immediately sprang back up.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Don’t kill me,” he sobbed as he lay there. “Oh God, please don’t kill me.”

“If you had let me finish,” Skulduggery said, slightly annoyed, “you would have heard me say, ‘Come out, we’re not

going to hurt you’. Idiot.”

“He probably wouldn’t have said idiot,” Valkyrie told the sobbing man. “We’re trying our best to be nice.”

The man blinked through his tears, and looked up.

“You’re... You’re not going to kill me?”

“No, we’re not,” Valkyrie said gently, “so long as you wipe your nose right now.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Corrival looked around. 'So is this it? Is everyone here? Erskine, maybe you should start the ball rolling. I have places to go and things to do.'

'Me?' Ravel asked. 'Why do I have to start it? You're the most respected mage here. You start it, or Skulduggery.'

Skulduggery shook his head. 'I can't start it. I don't like most of these people. I might start shooting.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“You're under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“She had been a teenager once, and she knew that, despite the apparent contradictions, a person's teenage years lasted well into their fifties.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“I understand perfectly. Darquesse isn't a separate entity. She isn't another person. She's you. If you make the wrong choices, if you stop loving the people who love you, if you allow the world to twist and turn and change you, then yes, the future we've seen will come to pass. But if you fight, and if you kick, and struggle, and refuse to give in to the apathy, or the anger, or the hopelessness, then you'll change the future, and you'll walk your own path. And I'll be right there beside you, Valkyrie. I'll always be beside you.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“I find it rude to laugh at a man with a sword.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“But I'm really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Tanith frowned. Did people still go on DATES any more? She was sure they did. They probably called it something different though. She tried to think of the last date she'd been on. The last PROPER date. Did fighting side by side with Saracen Rue count as a date? They ended up snuggling under the moonlight, drenched in gore and pieces of brain - so it had PROBABLY been a date. If it wasn't, it was certainly a fun time had by all. Well, not ALL. But she and Saracen had sure had a blast.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Sometimes it's not what you say, Valkyrie, it's just the fact that you're saying it.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Personally, I think knees should be kept for the eighth or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise you know? 'oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“The problem with living so long is that we get used to it. We watch the mortals age and wither and die around us, watch the world change and decay...but no matter the hardship or the pain or the sorrow we suffer, we choose to continue living. Out of sheer habit, I think.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“I mean you ACRES of harm,' Dalrymple growled. 'Untold QUANTITIES of harm. I will visit a whole CONTINENT of harm upon you before we are through.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“What's a Dullahan?'

'He's a headless horseman, in the service of the banshee.'

'Headless?'

'Yes.'

'Seriously?'

'Yes.'

'So he has no head?'

'That's usually what headless means.'

'No head at all?'

'You're really getting hung up on this headless thing, aren't you?'

'It's just kind of silly, even for us.'

'Yet you spend your days with a living skeleton.'

'But at least he has a head.'

'True.'

'He even has a spare.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“He'd once known a man who said that life hinged on the moment, that everything changed in the blink of an eye. Tesseract knew the truth of that as well as anybody. It was in those moments that he struck, after all, snatching people's lives away. He'd always known that it was only a matter of time before one of those moment's worked against him.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“It always surprised Valkyrie whenever she realized just how close the weird and the wonderful, and the fierce and the frightening, lived to the rest pf the non-magical, mortal world.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“She’s not… She’s not datin’ the skeleton, is she? How would that be even possible, let alone… nice? He’s got no skin, or lips, or… or nothin’.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Wow," she said. "It's like you're teaching me something and being all wise."

"You are not easy to get along with," Skulduggery said.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Which college?'

'Hmm?'

'Which college do you go to?'

Fletcher nodded. 'Yes.'

'I'm sorry?'

'Oh,' Fletcher said, and laughed.

Valkyrie's parents looked at Fletcher in near bewilderment. Fletcher looked back at them in total bewilderment. Valkyrie shook her head.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“But he's in shackles, right? You beat him?"

"I like to think I beat him in a moral sense, in that he's an assassin and I'm not, but apart from that, no, not really.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Personally, I think knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? 'Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“His hair is huge!... Look!... It's just sticking up at odd angles! Like a demented porcupine! - Desmond, about Fletcher's hair”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“You Necromancers have your messiah," Finbar said, "now we Remnants have ours.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“If a Remnant takes control of me... I... I would rather you kill me than allow me to hurt anyone." - Scrutinous.

"You have my word. And if one of those things takes control of me, I... I want you to leave me alone and let me about my business." - Random”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

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“Tanith immediately told them that Valkyrie had beaten up a priest and an old woman.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“You’re as sharp as a marble.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Shakra scowled. "You're a moron."

"Being rude does not make you more intelligent that I."

"No, being more intelligent than you makes me more intelligent than you, you goat-brained simpleton."

"I did not come here to be insulted."

"What, do you have somewhere special to go for that kind of thing?”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“She's not... She's not dating the skeleton, is she? How would that even be possible, let alone... nice? He's got no skin, or lips, or... or nothin'. And he talks. Good God, he talks and he never shuts up." - Billy-Ray”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Personally, I thin knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? 'Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Hello, Davina. You're under arrest for multiple accounts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

Marr remained unconscious.

"Splendid," Skulduggery said happily.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Take him to an Egyptian funeral parlour. They'll wrap him in bandages and put him in a sarcophagus and he'll be right as rain come Judgement Day." - Funeral director

"Really?" - Scapegrace

"No. Those idiots across the road paid you to come in here and waste my valuable time, didn't they?”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“He stepped on it. Squished it. Squashed it. Killed it. Cut it down in its prime. It kicked the bucket, turned up its toes, shuffled off this mortal coil. It was... an ex-rabbit."

"He's a dangerous man, your father."

"The baby better learn to dodge.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“She said I'd have to die," Valkyrie answered.

"Which you have already done," Nye nodded... "The truly tragic thing about all of this," it said, "is that you won't feel any of the great pain I'm about to put you through.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“That man," Carol said. "The thin man at Gordon's will reading, with the ridiculous name. He's involved in this, isn't he?"

"Skulduggery Pleasant," Valkyrie nodded. "And yes, he is.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“There's someone I want you to meet," she said, a little nervously. "Before you do, I just want you to know that I didn't like keeping this a secret." She tapped the stone again, and Gordon appeared.

Eyes widened. Mouths dropped open. Skulduggery remained still.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Kenspeckle was your friend."

"When all this is over, we'll see who's alive and who's dead and then I'll cry, OK?... Clarabelle's going to feel so bad when this is done with.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“What about you?" he asked, his words not much more than a mumble. "Regrets?"

"Many," Skuduggery said.

Tesseract's breath rattled in his chest. "That's the goo thing about living. You get to make up for past mistakes."

"Or make brand-new ones.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“At a gesture, the window flew open and China vaulted out.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“What all this means is that he could be living across the street from me and I'd never know it. It means that I have not heard one single rumour about him in twenty years, and the fact that he is here and I didn't know about it causes me no small amount of alarm and drives me to unimaginable fury. I am, however, hiding it well. - China”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Zombies were an accident - much like champagne and penicillin, but much less welcome. Necromancers weren't working on a way to turn people into shambling pieces of unintelligent rot-" - Kenspeckle”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“He broke the first law of being a vampire when he killed his own kind. If he can’t stick to that simple rule, how safe do you think you are?”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Any moment now, China was about to perspire.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Once his scars were revealed, Tanith kissed him, once, on the lips. "I like steak," she said. "Can't go wrong with steak."

"Steak it is," he murmured.

He stepped away, and Valkyrie grinned at Tanith.

"Oh, good God," China said, rolling her eyes. "I do hope the Remnants kill me first.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“He said he was Lord Vile. - Skulduggery”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“It’s been a few years since I was on a date, Fletcher, as you can see by my wife …” “Oi.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“What a burden it must have been. You're very brave for facing it alone."

"Thank you," she mumbled.

"Amazingly, astonishingly stupid, but brave."

She cracked a smile. "Yeah."

"Very foolish, is what I'm getting at."

"I can see that."

"This, basically. Just thick. Dumb as a bag of hammers. Not too bright there, Valkyrie."

"You can really stop complimenting me now.

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“What a burden it must have been. You're very brave for facing it alone."

"Thank you," she mumbled.

"Amazingly, astonishingly stupid, but brave."

She cracked a smile. "Yeah."

"Very foolish, is what I'm getting at."

"I can see that."

"This, basically. Just thick. Dumb as a bag of hammers. Not too bright there, Valkyrie."

"You can really stop complimenting me now.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“You don’t understand. When I was seven, Mum bought me a rabbit, Mister Fluffy. For two weeks, Dad paid more attention to that rabbit than he did to me. He played with it, he took it on walks, he practically tucked it in at night. And that was a rabbit. Imagine what he’s going to be like with a baby.” “But after those two weeks, once the novelty wore off, he was back to normal, wasn’t he?” “I don’t think it was because the novelty wore off. I think it was because he stood on Mister Fluffy.” “Pardon?”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“She held her sword like she was ready to use it on anyone who got close. Darquesse could see her own reflection in the blade. A pretty girl with a scar on her cheek, fifteen years old and dark-haired. Her pale face splattered with other people's blood. Her eyes, dark-ringed. Is this what they all saw, she wondered, or did the see something else? Something magnificent and terrible? Something monstrous?”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“She is just Cat. She curls up on my chest whenever I sit down, and goes to sleep. I hope she doesn’t miss me. I’m going to miss her.”

― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

Skulduggery Pleasant: Death BringerEdit

“Valkyrie patted Fletcher’s arm. “Don’t worry,” she said. “If the bad man comes, I’ll protect you.”

“If the bad man comes,” Fletcher responded, “I’ll bravely give out a high-pitched scream to distract him. I may even bravely faint, to give him a false sense of security. That will be your signal to strike.”

“We make a great team.”

“Just don’t forget to stand in front of me the whole time,” he said.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“The fact is that we have no way of knowing if the person who we think we are is at the core of our being. Are you a decent girl with the potential to someday become an evil monster, or are you an evil monster that thinks it's a decent girl?"

"Wouldn't I know which one I was?"

"Good God, no. The lies we tell other people are nothing to the lies we tell ourselves.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“We punch people, Valkyrie. That’s who we are. Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“The man had a smooth voice, like velvet. “I’m Detective Inspector Me. Unusual name, I know. My family were incredibly

narcissistic. I’m lucky I escaped with any degree of humility at all, to be honest, but then I’ve always managed to exceed expectations. You are Kenny Dunne, are you not?”

“I am.”

“Just a few questions for you, Mr Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we’ve become friends these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?”

“Sure,” Kenny said, slightly baffled.

“Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s important you feel comfortable around me, Kenny. It’s important we build up a level of trust. That way I’ll catch you completely unprepared when I

suddenly accuse you of murder.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You think Bernadette Maguire killed him?”

“Uh… no. She’s, like I said, she’s old.”

“Old people can kill people too.”

“I know, but…”

“She could be a ninja.”

“She’s not a ninja, for God’s sake. She’s somebody’s great grandmother.”

“I want you to think carefully about this, Kenny. Have you ever seen her with a sword?”

“What?”

“How about throwing stars?”

“This is ridiculous.”

“Have you ever seen her dressed up as a ninja? That would have been my first clue.”

The girl sucked in her cheeks so she wouldn't laugh out loud.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“We're not really intruding," he called down. "This is all a big misunderstanding."

"Stop right there!" shouted one of them.

Skulduggery held his hand to an ear he didn't have.

"What's that?"

"Stop!"

"Keep going?"

"STOP!"

"OK, we'll keep going.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Valkyrie dialed Skulduggery's number and he picked up. 'Hey,' she said, 'It's me.'

Skulduggery paused. 'No it's not. If it were me, then I'd be talking to myself, and I don't do that any more. I certainly don't RING myself. That's one of the first signs of madness, and if it's not, it should be.'

She sighed. 'Are you finished talking nonsense?'

'I haven't talked nonsense all morning. I miss it.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I kill a sofa for you and you go and sit in a chair?” Skulduggery asked. “I don’t think you appreciate the sacrifice that has been made for you.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“By the way, all joking aside, do I call you Ghastly or Elder Bespoke?'

'You can call me whatever you like.'

Vex nodded. 'Thank you, Gladys.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You want to see safe hands?' her dad asked. He went to the fruit bowl on the side of the table, took two apples and proceeded to juggle them. 'See? Safe as anything.'

'Are you proposing you juggle our newborn child?'

'Of course not,' he said. 'I'd only be able to juggle her if you'd had twins. Otherwise it would just be throwing.'

(...) 'From this moment on, I will be the best father the world has ever seen. Wifey, may I please hold my child?'

Valkyrie's mum looked at him suspiciously. 'When you hold a baby, what's the most important thing to remember?'

'Not to drop it,' he said proudly.

'Well, yes, well done dear, but I was thinking more about how you hold the baby.'

'Ah,' he said, 'Of course. The secret to holding a baby is to pick it up by the scruff of its neck.'

'You're thinking of kittens.'

'Pick it up by the ears, then.'

'You're thinking of nothing.'

'Can I please just hold her?'

'I don't think that's wise.'

'A lot of things aren't wise, Melissa. Is crossing the road with your eyes closed wise? No, but I do it anyway.'

His wife nodded. 'Stephanie, you are in charge of teaching Alice how to cross the road.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I think zombies are kind of cute.”

“Seriously?”

“I may be thinking about bunnies. Which one has the fluffy little tail, zombies or bunnies?”

“Bunnies.”

“Then it’s bunnies I’m thinking of.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You're bored, aren't you.'

'I need constant distraction. Shall we go?'

'Uh, aren't you supposed to delegate responsibility or something? If you're not here, who's in charge?'

Skulduggery looked around and pointed to a sorcerer at the far side of the cemetery. 'He is.'

'Who is he?'

'Don't know. He looks like leadership material, though, doesn't he?'

'Does he?'

'He's wearing a hat.'

'And that means he's a leader?'

'Leaders wear hats. It's to keep the rain off while we make important decisions. He'll do fine.'

'Shouldn't you tell him that he's in charge?'

'And spoil the surprise?”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“The lies we tell other people are nothing to the lies we tell ourselves.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“The rain battered the cottage. Valkyrie risked a look up at Skulduggery.

“What is it?” she whispered.

“It’s a box,” he whispered back.

“What kind of box?”

“A wooden one.”

She gave him a look.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I have sought you out to cure me.'

'To cure you of what?'

'Of this cursed affliction.'

'I cannot cure stupidity.'

Scapegrace frowned.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“He crouched at the car window and looked in. 'What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one.' His finger jabbed the glass. 'That one's a bit ugly.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Look, this is all very, very weird. Why are you focusing on rumours and urban legends? You haven’t even asked me any

normal questions.”

“Normal questions? Like what?”

“Like, I don’t know, like if Lynch had any enemies.”

“Did Lynch have any enemies?”

“Well, not that I know of, no.”

“Then there really was no point in me asking that, was there? Unless you wanted to distract me. You didn’t want to distract me, did you, Kenny?”

“No, that’s not—”

“Are you playing a game with me, Kenny?”

“I don’t know what you’re—”

Inspector Me leaned forward. “Did you kill him?”

“No!”

“It’d be OK if you did.”

Kenny recoiled, horrified. “How would that be OK?”

“Well,” Me said, “maybe not”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“But if you can confront your inner demons—"

"I did confront my inner demon. I punched him in the face and he exploded."

Valkyrie had to laugh. "But now he's back."

"Of course he's back. He's resourceful. He is my inner demon, after all.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Oh, China. How I have missed you.'

'And I have missed you, Eliza. But don't worry, next time my aim will be better.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I try not to underestimate my opponents, no matter how ridiculous their beards.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“This is your last chance to do the right thing.'

'Do you want to attack first, or will I?'

Skulduggery held up a finger. 'Do you mind if I confer with my colleague for a moment?'

'By all means.'

Skulduggery leaned in towards Valkyrie. 'Damn,' he whispered. 'She's not going to do the right thing.'

'Did you really think she would?'

'I was really hoping.'

'Can we beat her?' Valkyrie asked.

'I don't like our chances.'

'What are our chances?'

'We don't have any,' Skulduggery admitted. 'Do you think you can take Craven on your own?'

'No.'

'Me either. Do you want to leave him to me then, and you can take her?'

'I like that idea even less.'

'I don't blame you.'

She sighed. 'We're going to get killed, aren't we?'

'It looks likely. Our only hope is a surprise attack.'

'They're staring right at us.'

'Dammit.' Skulduggery straightened up. 'We have discussed the situation,' he said to them, 'and decided that it would be in everyone's best interests for me to fight you, Melancholia, and for both Valkyrie and Cleric Craven to stand back and cheer or boo as they see fit.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Get away from my ex-girlfriend, you moany little whinge-bag.'

Caelen took a deep breath, like he was in pain, and stood up. His voice was low, guttural. 'I was hoping I'd get the chance to kill you.'

'You won't be killing anyone, you sad little emo git.'

'You've stood in the way of our love for long enough.'

'Just listening to you makes me want to top myself, you self-pitying Paranormal Romance novel reject.'

Caelen glared. 'Stop insulting me.'

'Why? If you cry will your mascara run?”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I'm sorry,' said the shopkeeper. 'I can't understand your ridiculous accent.'

'My accent?'

'It is quite silly.'

'So you can't understand me?'

'Not a word.'

'Then how did you understand that?'

'I didn't.'

''You didn't understand what I just said?'

'That's right.'

'You understood that, though.'

'Not at all.'

The American glowered.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You're in a bad mood,' Skulduggery said. 'I understand. I do. You're saying things that you don't really mean. It's OK.'

'I'll kill you both.'

'Hurtful things said in the heat of the moment. We're not going to hold it against you, Bison. We're all friends here.'

Valkyrie nodded. 'We love you Bison.'

'We do,' Skulduggery agreed. 'You're our favourite Necromancer. You're the cuddly one.'

'Shut up,' Dragonclaw said. 'Both of you just shut up.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I would love to have a battle of wits with you, Bison, but I doubt it would be a fair fight.'

'Shut your face.'

'Exactly my point.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You should have called us. Desmond would have picked you up.'

'No I wouldn't,' Valkyrie's dad said, stepping into earshot. 'Sorry, Fletcher, but I had important fatherly duties to take care of, which included eating breakfast, showering, and finding my trousers. Of those three, I only managed two. Without looking down, can you guess which one I missed?'... Fletcher smiled back. 'I just want to borrow Stephanie for a moment.'

'Take our daughter,' Valkryie's dad said, waving a hand airily. 'We have another one now.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“He looked at her. “We’re meant to be together…”

“And this is exactly what I mean.”

“Our love is written in the stars.”

“And there you go again.”

“I love you.”

“You bore me.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Every human being who has ever lived has the same potential in them for good and evil. Mortal or sorcerer, it doesn't matter. Power has a way of bringing out the worst in people. Mevolent. Serpine. Hitler. Lord Vile. Darquesse. We're all the same."

"You just put me on a list with Hitler."

"You're going to start sulking again, aren't you?”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

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“It would be fun,” Skulduggery nodded. ”I like kicking Wreath in the face. I haven't had a chance to do it nearly as much as I'd like.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You're late,' he said.

'I'm beautiful.'

'You're always beautiful.'

'I'm always late too.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You accused me of murder. Do you make a habit of bringing schoolgirls into an interview room with murder suspects?'

He waved his hand. 'Oh, I was only joking about that. I don't really think you murdered someone. Unless you did, in which case I reserve the right to say I knew it all along.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Talking about one's feelings defeats the purpose of having those feelings. Once you try to put the human experience into words, it becomes little more than a spectator sport. Everything must have a cause, and a name. Every random thought must have a root in something else.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Come on. I know you're not a stupid man.'

'I'm quite stupid. Ask anyone.'

'Finbar, are there superheroes living among us?'

Finbar snorted with laughter and Kenny started to feel a little thick. 'Superheroes? In tights and capes, flying around? If there were superheroes, Mr. Journalist, don't you think they'd be in New York or somewhere like that? There's not that many tall buildings for Spiderman to swing from in Dublin, you know? He'd have maybe two good swings and then hang there looking disappointed.'

'These people don't wear tights and capes, Finbar.'

'So they're naked superheroes? That's grand for now, but when the good weather is over they're going to regret it.'

'They look like us. They dress like us. But they're not like us. They're different.'

'You,' Finbar said. 'Are sounding very racist right now.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Still, he figured, sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do, and then sometimes you've just got to run like hell after it's done.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Skulduggery stood among the ruins of what had once been a sofa. Valkyrie raised an eyebrow.

'I was trying to make up the sofa bed so you could get some rest,' he explained, and pointed to the second sofa across the room. 'Unfortunately, it would appear that that is the sofa bed, and this, apparently, is just a sofa.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“That's ridiculous. The only point in having enemies is so you can defeat them, kill them, brush them aside."

"Or give them a chance to redeem themselves.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You say one more thing that sounds like it's ripped from the pages of a really bad gothic romance and I'm out of here, are we clear?" - Valkyrie Cain”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You make a good point,' Fletcher conceded. 'See, there's a reason why you're the girl and I'm the boy. You think about things while I...'

'Don't?'

'Exactly,' he said happily.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Just because an apple falls one hundred times out of a hundred does not mean it will fall on the hundred and first.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Just leave her alone. You're annoying her.'

'I'm not annoying her. She doesn't even know how to be annoyed. She's, what, a week old?'

'She's three months.'

'She's three months in our years, but what is she in baby years?”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“So how are we going to get into the temple, anyway? Are we going to fight our way through the Necromancers on our own?'

'No, we're going to find a way to let our friends in, and then we'll let them fight while we stand by and look smug.'

'I like that plan.'

'It has its moments.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I cross the place where my heart used to be and hope to be even deader than I am now.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“We can do this the easy way,' Oblivious snarled. 'Or the hard way.'

'What's the easy way?'

'You leave immediately.'

'And what's the hard way?'

'We make you leave.'

Skulduggery's head tilted. 'What was the easy way again?”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Mum said earlier what a lovely dress

you’re wearing.”

Beryl’s eyebrows wriggled like two tiny tapeworms. “This?” she said. “But I’ve had this for years.”

It was a beige dress that would have looked better on an eighty year-old. Any eighty-year-old, man or woman.

“I think you’ve really grown into it,” Valkyrie said.

“I always thought it was a little shapeless.”

Valkyrie resisted the urge to say that was what she meant.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“So what does that actually mean?'

'To be honest, Ghastly, I haven't a bull's notion.'

'Elder Bespoke should be addressed by his full title,' Tipstaff said.

'Of course,' Skulduggery said. 'To be honest, Your Highness, I haven't a bull's notion.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“This isn't funny. She was almost killed.'

'I'm aware. You're waiting to see if I will get angry.'

'I already know you're angry. You're sitting very still and you're talking very quietly. You're getting ready to kill someone.'

'I just need a name.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“The sparrow flies south for the winter.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“He took her hand in his and knelt before her. Valkyrie looked at him. He was serious. (...)'Dude, I'm sixteen.'

'I love you.'

'That doesn't make me any older. Stand up.'

'Not until you say yes.'

'You're going to shuffle around on your knees for the rest of your life? Stand up, for God's sake.'

'Be my wife.'

'Shut the hell up.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“This girl (Stephanie) is but a few months away from her seventeenth birthday and already she has saved the world and killed a god. What have you done?”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Life isn't fair,' Skulduggery said. 'In my experience, death isn't so different.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You are a cynical man, Mr. Pleasant."

"We live in cynical times, Miss Cain.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Valkyrie walked to the back door, which hadn't been closed properly, shut it and locked it. There was now a baby in the house, after all. She couldn't take the chance that a wild animal might wander in and make off with Alice, like those dingoes in Australia. She was probably being unfair to both dingoes and Australia, but she couldn't risk it. Locked doors kept the dingoes out, and that's all there was to it, even if she didn't know what a dingo actually was. She took out her phone, searched the Internet, found a picture of a baby dingo and now she really wanted a baby dingo for a pet.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“He crouched at the care window and looked in. "What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one." His finger jabbed the glass. "That one's a bit ugly."

The American stepped towards him. "What? What did you say?"

"Oh, don't worry. I'm sure his personality makes up for his face.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“How have you been? You’re still as beautiful as ever.”

“As are you, my dear. I love your shoes.”

“Aren’t they delightful? I saw them and just had to have them. Their previous owner wasn’t too keen to let them go, but I can be very persuasive when I want to be.”

“Is that her blood on the left one?”

“And no amount of scrubbing will get it out, either.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I love you.'

'Yeah, well...'

'You make my heart want to beat.'

'That's nice and creepy. But I'm with Fletcher.(...) Also, these proclamations of your undying love for me are getting kind of... it's a bit much to be honest. Just hold back a little.'

'But my love for you is eternal.'

'That's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You need to find yourself a new hero." - Skulduggery Pleasant.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I love you.'

'I'm a little stuck for words here,' she said. 'I'm just trying to get my head around it, trying to find the right way for... Okay, yeah, I have it now. Caelan, cop on to yourself.'

'But I love you.'

'Here we go.'

'When will you admit that you are in love with me too?'

'I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good looking and mildly stupid brick wall. Look, I like you okay? I think you're cute. You could probably ease up on the brooding self-loathing, though. That stopped being attractive a while ago. But, I mean, on the whole, I like you, and you like me-'

'I love you.'

'Yeah, well...”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“And then the Necromancers pulled out their sub-atomic machine guns.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

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“I was wondering how you were going to punish me for not confiding in you. Punishment, actually, is something I've thought about for a long time. What form of punishment would be enough for what I did? Imprisonment? Death? Something else? Something scarier? I could only think of so many horrible tortures before they stopped having meaning. But you' you've come up with a punishment I never considered. You're going to sulk me to death.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I am a rational man, but haven't you heard? i'm also insane. It gives me a unique perspective on things.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“That was a good day for me," Skulduggery said. "I didn't have to hit anyone. I didn't have to shoot anyone. I just sat around and talked to my good friend and partner, Valkyrie Cain.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“It all depends on what people you're talking about helping. That's the wonderful think about just about every religion on the planet - they're all so incredibly selfish.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“The next time? Oh, my dear Eliza, you're not going to carry on with this, are you? The Faceless Ones had their chance. They returned and they were sent away again. It's time to move on. Time to take up another hobby, like crocheting, or serial killing.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Here she is,” her mum said, cooing at the baby, “my special girl.”

“Oh, cheers,” Valkyrie said, rolling her eyes.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“What do we do now?”

“Well, we escape. I’m not sure how yet, but—”

“No,” said Valkyrie. “What do we do now? We’re partners. You’re my best friend. I love you. You were my… I looked up to you. What am I supposed to do now?”

He turned away. “You need to find yourself a new hero.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Fletcher was always going to be your ex-boyfriend, from the moment you met him. He's just finally caught up with where he's supposed to be.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Clarabelle...Clarabelle... You worked as Kenspeckle Grouse's assistant, did you not?'

'One of the. He fired all the others.'

'But not you?'

'He fired me on the second day, but I kept coming in. I had nowhere else to go.'

'And then you killed him.'

'Yes.'

'A Remnant squirmed inside you, and you killed Kenspeckle Grouse.'

'Yes.'

Nye grinned. 'You're hired. But I have warn you, if you try to kill me, I will dissect you and sing along to your screams.'

'Can I have Mondays off?'

'You may.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“We may need to focus here.'

'Right. Yes. OK. Turn around.'

'Are you going to throw something at me?'

'What? No, I'm getting out of bed.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“She's you, without your conscience, or your feelings. She's you without your humanity."

"You're saying she's a mood swing?"

He shrugged. "Or maybe you're her mood swing."

"Don't even joke about that.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Fletcher appeared beside her. He peered at the baby.

"Can it do any tricks yet?"

"I'm still working on it. Want to hold her?"

"God, no," Fletcher said laughing. "I'd drop it."

"It's not an it, it's my baby sister. Go on, hold her. You won't make a mess of it, i swear. Only an idiot could drop a baby."

"You always say I am an idiot."

"But you're a special kind of idiot. Here."

She passed Alice into his arms, and he stood there, rigid, a look of intense concentration on his face.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“They faced each other. 'I'm going to enjoy this,'Melancholia said.

'I daresay I'm not.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I love stories with a happy ending,” Inspector Me said.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Do you think it would be quite so easy to kill them now that your weapon has been destroyed?' he sneered. 'No,' she said, frowning at him, 'Obviously not.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Oh, escape is easy once you have the right plan.'

'Do we have the right plan?'

'Not yet.'

'Do we have any plan?'

'Not yet.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You have an amazing ability to depress me sometimes, you know that?"

"I try my best.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I'm sorry? No more smooches is worse than the world ending?”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Skulduggery was right by Valkyrie’s elbow, but remained quiet. She appreciated that. Any other man would have leaped in to defend her honour. Valkyrie was quite capable of doing that herself.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Every once in a while, I get the urge. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? The urge for destruction. The urge to hurt, maim, kill. It's quite a thing to experience that urge, to let it wash over you, to give in to it. It's addictive. It's all-consuming. You lose yourself to it. It's quite, quite wonderful. I can feel it, even as I speak, tapping around the edges of my mind, trying to prise me open, slip its fingers in. And it would be so easy to let it happen. But we're all like that, aren't we? We're all barbarians at our core. We're all savage, murderous beasts. I know I am. I'm sure you are. The only difference between us, Mr. Prave, is how loudly we roar. I know I roar very loudly indeed. How about you. Do you think you can match me?”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Please don't arrest me."

"Listen to me, I'm not going to arrest you, ok? I'm not a cop."

"Are you sure?"

"Am I sure I'm not a cop? yes, I'm sure."

"You could be undercover.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“How are we going to get out of here?"

"Oh, escape is easy once you have the right plan."

"Do we have the right plan?"

"Not yet."

"Do we have any plan?"

"Not yet.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I have seen the faces of our enemies!

I have looked into the eyes of our foes!

Do you know what I have seen?

[...]

Faces and eyes, gentlemen. Faces and eyes.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“We should have another code for when you're about to hit someone."

"Very well. How about 'the sparrow flies south for winter'?"

"Seriously?"

"What's wrong with it? It's a classic.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I'm going to photograph every single person to enter and leave this tattoo parlour."

Finbar rolled his eyes. "And they'll hate that, because people who get dragons drawn on their backs are normally so shy about other people noticing them.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You promise?"

"I cross the place where my heart used to be and wish to be even more deader than I am now.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“We're going to get killed, aren't we?"

"It looks likely. Our only hope is a surprise attack."

"They're looking right at us."

"Dammit.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Smash thought the window because doors are for people with no imagination.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I can't tell you how may beautiful women have broken up with me because they were bored. I can't tell you because it never happened. They all adored me."

"It was your humility, wasn't it?”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Detective Harris smiled good-naturedly as he sat down. "Other Inspector?"

"The one who just left."

"Hmm? Who was that, then?"

"Detective Inspector Me."

"Detective Inspector You?"

"No, Me. That's his... He said that's his name. You just passed him. He was with a girl on work experience and a boy with spiky hair."

Harris blinked at him. "I didn't pass anyone, Mr Dunne, and I'm the only Detective Inspector on duty right now."

Kenny stared at him. "Then... then who the hell was I just speaking to?”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

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“Do you remember what Crux said?" Scorn asked China. "I bet you do. He said that you handed Skulduggery Pleasant's wife and child over to Nefarian Serpine. He said that you led them to their deaths... Blackmail is just an ugly, ungainly word, but these are ugly and ungainly times in which we live. You will do as I say, exactly as I say, or I will tell the Skeleton Detective your terrible, terrible secret. Do you agree to my terms?”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“What are we going to do when we get into the temple, anyway? Are we going to fight our way through the Necromancers on our own?"

"No, we're going to find a way to let our friends in, and we'll let them fight while we stand by and look smug."

"I like that plan."

"It has its moments.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Drive over a few of the little brats. That'll scare them off."

"I... I don't think I can do that, sir... I just don't think we're capable of going that fast, sir.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“[...} What did I tell you about wandering off? Why don't you ever do anything I say? If I didn't know any better, I would swear that you feel a compulsion to disobey authoriy figures."

"That can't be what it is," she said.

"Well, that's what it seems like."

"But I don't view you as an authority figure."

"Oh, not this again.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You're late," he said.

"I'm beautiful."

"You're always beautiful."

"I'm always late, too.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“mercenary now, is that it? Being paid to kill people?” “This is a special favour,” the Warlock replied. “When it is over, when I am told my services are no longer required, I will return home.” “What are you getting out of this? What is Dragonclaw doing for you in return? Or maybe it’s not Dragonclaw. Maybe it’s the Necromancers as a whole. What do they want?” “I can’t see the point of telling you, seeing as how you will be dead soon.” “What do you know of the Passage?” Skulduggery asked. The Warlock shook his head. “I don’t know what that is, and we have talked enough.” His hand bubbled and boiled, and”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“all it takes is a nice word from a pretty girl and he’s putty in her hands. Skulduggery, remember that French girl we met in Saipan? What was her name?” “Oh,” Skulduggery said. “Françoise.” “That’s it,” said Vex. “Françoise. Remember her, Ghastly? Remember that weekend we couldn’t find you? We thought Mevolent had snatched you away and was torturing you to within an inch of your life. Valkyrie, would you like to know what he was really doing that weekend?” “Yes I would,” said Valkyrie. “No she wouldn’t,” said Ghastly. “I think she would,” Skulduggery said.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Stephanie, we just want what you have. We want to have fun and we want to have powers and do exiting things. We've been talking, and we've decided that we want you to teach us magic. - Carol”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“We already have a Death Bringer, thank you. We don't need another one. - Oblivious”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Warlocks are dark sorcerers on a dark path. They eat the souls of their enemies to absorb their strength. I haven't gone up against one of them in... a long time. I didn't think there were any left. - Skulduggery”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“We're all barbarians at our core. We're all savage, murderous beasts. I know I am. I'm sure you are. The only difference between us, Mr Prave, is how loudly we roar. I roar very loudly indeed. How about you? Do you think you can match me? - China”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Doctor Nye," Clarabelle said.

The spider-like being turned to them. "Zombies," it said, mildly surprised. "And a blue-haired girl."

"My name is Clarabelle. I'm here looking for a job... I have no medical or scientific training to speak of, and no inclination to learn, and I pick up things fairly slowly because of my short attention span..."

"Clarabelle... Clarabelle... You worked as Kenspeckle Grouse's assistant, did you not?"

"One of them. He fired all the others."

"But not you?"

"He fired me on the second day, but I kept coming in. I had nowhere else to go."

"And then you killed him."

"Yes."

"A Remnant squirmed inside you, and you killed Kenspeckle Grouse."

"Yes."

It grinned. "You're hired.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Wreath told me what the Passage is."

"Oh?"

"They're going to kill three billion people to stop the other three billion from ever dying.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Skulduggery Pleasant walked off the battlefield, and Lord Vile walked into my Temple. - High Priest Tenebrae”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Valkyrie!" Melancholia called. "Please help me!”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Gordon couldn't do magic," Valkyrie called after Fergus, "but what about you?"

He didn't stop walking, and he didn't answer. He just held up his left hand, and clicked his fingers. Even in the bright sunlight, Valkyrie saw the spark between his fingertips.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You dropped me in the penguin enclosure?... Now it makes sense," Valkyrie said, collapsing onto the couch. "My fear of zoos. My fear of penguins. My fear of being dropped in a zoo with the penguins. It's all Dad's fault.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“We do what we must. We do what we can. We do what we will. We do what we... We don't do what we won't. - Scapegrace”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Until next time," Hansard said, "when hopefully, you won't have my father's vomit in your hair.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Scapegrace swivelled his eyes to her and she yelped and dropped his head. He bounced, and landed on his ear.

"I'll get you," he wheezed. "All of you. You're dead!"

Valkyrie didn't know what to do. She glanced back. Even Melancholia's eyes widened in surprise.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Get away from my ex-girlfriend, you moany little whinge-bag. - Fletcher”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Also, all these proclamations of your undying love for me are getting kind of… It’s a bit much, to be honest. Just hold back a little.” “But my love for you is eternal.” “That’s exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“They called us the Dead Men because they said we weren't afraid of dying.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“The sparrow flies south for winter.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I've had years to see the funny side.”

― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

Skulduggery Pleasant: Kingdom of The WickedEdit

“I had an uneventful few days," it told her. "The most exciting thing was an hour-long lecture from the headmaster on taking our studies seriously. He said next year's exam will arrive sooner than we think."

"No, they won't," Valkyrie said, frowning. "They'll arrive next year, exactly when we expect them."

"That's what I told him," the reflection nodded. "I don't think he's comfortable with logic, because he didn't look happy. He sent me to the Career Guidance counsellor, who asked me what I wanted to do after college."

Valkyrie stowed her black clothes. "What did you say?"

"I told her I wanted to be a Career Guidance counsellor. She started crying, then accused me of mocking her. I told her if she wasn't happy in her job then she should look at other options, then pointed out that I was already doing her job better than she was. She gave me detention.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Emergency Valve Regulators," she repeated. "So you do know what your doing?

"Not really," he said yanking another wire. 'I made up that term to keep you happy. I'm just pulling all the red wires because they're the pretty ones.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“You have no idea about presents or what they mean. The last

present you gave me was a stick.”

“You wanted a weapon.”

“It was a stick.”

“It had a bow on it.”

“It was a stick.”

“I thought you liked the stick. You laughed.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Is that it?”

“No. That’s a wall.”

“It could be disguised.”

“You’re not very good at looking for things, are you?”

“I’m good at looking for walls. Look, I found another one.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“He could be a butterfly dreaming he's a man."

"Well, he's not. He's a big fat man dreaming he's a big fat butterfly. What the hell am I supposed to do?"

There was another hesitation. "I'm not sure. You don't happen to have a large net handy, do you?"

"I want to hit him. I want to hit YOU, but I also want to hit him.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“What?" she asked again.

He pointed ahead of them. "See that?"

"What, the snow?"

"Beyond that."

"More snow?"

"Stop looking at the snow.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“He could wear hats. He could wear an assortment of hats of different shapes and styles. Boater hats, cowboy hats, bowler hats. The list went on. Pork-pie hats, bucket hats, trillbies and panamas. Top hats, straw hats, trapper hats. Wide brim narrow brim, stingy brim. He could wear a fez. Fezzes were cool. Hadn't someone once said that fezzes were cool? He was pretty aur ether had. And they were. They were cool.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Can I ask you a question? You know with vampires and werewolves and goblins and things, is there any mythological creature that doesn't actually exist?"

"Of course," he replied. "The unicorn and the leprechaun would be would be the two main ones. The Loch Ness Monster isn't real, either, that's just someone called Bert.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Of course I want to kill you," said Skulduggery. "I want to kill most people. But then where would I be? In a field of dead people with no one to talk to.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“It's a very small object to be capable of doing many wonderful things, don't you think?"

"It does much more that that," Valkyrie said, opening up a game and showing it to him.

His eyes widened. "What wonder is this?"

"It's called Angry Birds. Now do you believe me?”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“You be sure to throw the book at him, you hear me? I feel violated, Detective. Violated."

"I'll throw this table at you if you don't give us the names we're looking for.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“You look angry," he said.

"You put me on hold."

"For a very good reason."

"You put me," she said very, very slowly, "on hold.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Skulduggery."

"Fletcher."

Fletcher stuck out his hand. Skulduggery observed it for a moment.

"I'm sorry, what are we doing now?"

"Shaking hands," Fletcher said. "Like adults. I just want you to know that this past year has changed me. I've grown, as a person. I'm not the same Fletcher you used to know.

"You look a lot like him."

"Well, yeah, but-"

"And you have the same ridiculous hair."

"Can we just shake hands?"

"Of course we can," Skulduggery said, and they shook. "Now what?"

"I, uh...I don't really know. What do adults usually do after they shake hands?"

"Generally, the first thing they do is let go."

"Oh, right," Fletcher said, and Skulduggery took his hand back. "So, Skulduggery, how have you been? You're looking well. That's a really nice tie.

"It's blue."

"And such a nice shade."

Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie. "You promised me he wouldn't be annoying.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Ravel said. “And I order people around really well. This morning, Tipstaff came over with a cup of tea and I told him no, I don’t want tea I want coffee. That was great. I really asserted my authority.”

“Did he go and get you a coffee?”

“No, he said he’d already made a pot of tea so I took the tea because, you know he’d already made it, but my authority was still firmly asserted.”

Ghastly nodded. “He’ll think twice about making tea again.”

“That he will, Ghastly my friend, that he will. What are we looking for, by the way?

“Seriously? I gave you the file half an hour ago.”

“Yes, you did.”

“And did you read it?”

“No, I did not.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“I don’t need you sensitive, Skulduggery. I need you aloof and irresponsible and arrogant. That’s why I love you. That’s why I let you hang out with me.”

“I’m truly blessed.”

She grinned. “You love me, too. Once you admit it, everything will be better.”

“They’re about to hook up the Cube to the Accelerator,” he said, and turned and walked off.

She followed. “You can’t run from your feelings.”

“I can walk from them.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“You've done what?"

"I know," he said. "You're impressed. You send me out for bread and I come back with a boy. Well, not literally. That would be weird. Even for me.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“I should go in alone," Valkyrie said, speaking loudly to be heard. "If we both go in, it'll look to official."

"So I'll just stay out here?" Skulduggery asked. "But what'll I do? There's no one to talk to. It's boring."

"You're standing on the roof of a train," Valkyrie pointed out. "If you find this boring, you really need your head examined. Just wait here. I'll do what has to be done and I'll be find out.

"Fine," he said, sounding grumpy. "Don't be long.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“I also think Valkyire’s ex-boyfriend will come in handy here.”

Ravel frowned, “The dead vampire?”

Valkyrie glared at him, “I think he means Fletcher.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“Caelen was never my boyfriend.”

“I didn’t mean to-“

“We never talk about Caelen,” Ghastly muttered.”

“I’m really sorry, Valkyrie, Ravel said. “Fletcher’s great. He’s wonderful. I’m sure he’d be delighted to help, and having a teleporter here will certainly solve some problems. We’ll arrange that, we’ll get him over to you, start the ball rolling, as it were. Once again, sorry about bringing up the vampire.”

Ghastly shot him a look whispered, “Why do you keep talking about him?”

“I can’t help it,” Ravel whispered back. “Now he’s all I can think about.”

“You realise,” Valkyrie said, “that we can hear you both perfectly well.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Now, before you begin to worry, the section of the gaol that I’m standing in is completely secure. No problems here. I’m not in any danger whatsoever.”

“And the section I’m standing in?”

“Well,” he said, “the important thing to remember is that I’m perfectly safe.”

Valkyrie sighed. “I’m stuck in here with the bad guys, aren’t I?”

“Or you could be glass-half-full about it and say that they are stuck in there with you. Which might make you feel better.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Other stories tell how I eat innocent newborns, how I’m ten feet tall, how I breathe fire and have great dragon wings. None of these are wholly accurate. I don’t have dragon wings, I don’t breathe fire, I’m only eight feet tall and I’ve never eaten a newborn that didn’t have it coming. My name is Mevolent. What’s yours?”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Peace means nothing without freedom.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“mostly we've had to found ways to amuse ourselves."

"Really?" Valkyrie asked. "Like what?"

Plight's smile faded. "Like human sacrifice."

He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie cried out.

Then they both let go. laughing.

"Naw," Plight said, we just play board games."

..."she fell for it!" gasped Lenka. "She fell for the human sacrifice bit!”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Grand Mage,” Ghastly said, as he put the map away, “did you know the sparrow flies south for the winter?”

“What an odd thing to say,” Ravel said, and as he turned, he snapped his palm against the air and Paloma slammed into the wall.”

…..“What do you know,” Ravel said, breathing a little faster, “Skulduggery’s silly little code actually works.”

“Grand Mage,” Ghastly said, as he put the map away, “did you know the sparrow flies south for the winter?”

“What an odd thing to say,” Ravel said, and as he turned, he snapped his palm against the air and Paloma slammed into the wall.”

…..“What do you know,” Ravel said, breathing a little faster, “Skulduggery’s silly little code actually works.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“He said a bad word. Do you want to know what it was? It started with F. It's not the one you're thinking of, though. To the other one. The one that ends with P. do you want to know what it was? It was troop." She frowned. "Wait that's not a word.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“People!" she screamed. "There are people here! New people!”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“You’re seventeen. You’re supposed to be dealing with school and hormones and dim-witted parents. You’re supposed to be finding out who you are as a person.”

“But I already know who I am,” Valkyrie said. “I’m a world-breaker.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Even as she'd been writing it, she wondered if she was using too many exclamation marks, but she was glad she left them in. Nothing says "all is good in the world" like exclamation marks, after all.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“The dart is loaded with enough sedative to bring down a—”

“Small elephant?”

He looked at her. “What?”

“You know. In the movies, if they’re going after something dangerous, they always say their tranquilliser darts have enough sedative to bring down a small elephant.”

“What do people have against small elephants?”

“Well, nothing, but—”

“There’s enough sedative in these darts to bring down a werewolf, which is exactly what we’re hunting. Why would we want to bring down an elephant if we’re not hunting elephants?”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Ah...Dectective, this is a very private and personal moment for them both. I'm sure you can understand their need for-"

A man stumbled out clutching a sheet round his waist and Valkyrie's eyes widened. "Whoa," she said as he hummed into a table. He was tall and sandy-haired and his physique was jaw-dropping lay amazing. "No way," she said. "Scapegrace?"

The man looked at her, and shook his head. The a woman came charging out of the back room, slammed into the man and they both went rolling across the floor.

"Give it to me!" The woman screamed. "Give it to me!"

Nye scuttled over. "Mr Scapegrace, you know the procedure cannot be repeated, your brains are in far too deteriorated a condition."

"You! Gave! Me! The! Wrong! Body!”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Valkyrie walked over to her. Since she had met her, all she'd wanted to do was punch her face in. But that was when Kitana has been big and powerful and brimming with murderous arrogance. The girl standing before her now, crying and blubbing like any teenage girl would do under these circumstances, was not the same girl Valkyrie had wanted to punch.

But she'd do.

Valkyrie's fist connected with such a satisfying jolt that it actually made her smile as Kitana fell sideways, eyes already rolling in her head. Valkyrie resisted the urge to kick her as she lay crumpled.

Such behaviour would be unbecoming of a Sanctuary detective.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

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“Doran stood on the dais, fists clenched. "All right," he said. "Let's do it, come on. Charge me up."

Skulduggery tapped the controls. "Just give me a moment…"

Doran's leg was shaking. "Come on," he said. "Hurry up. Haven't got all day."

"Just one more moment…"

"Here," said Doran. "You have used this on people before, right?"

"Hmmm?" Skulduggery said. "People? No, not on people. Ah, here we go."

The dais lit up.

"Oh, I don't know about this," said Doran. "I don't think I want to do this…"

"You'll be fine." Skulduggery said.

"How do you know?"

"I don't."

The hair stood up on Valkyrie's arms and light filled the room. The Accelerator wined like an animal, the wine getting louder and louder and the dais beginning to tremble.

"I want to get off!" Doran shouted. "I want to get off!"

"You can't get off!" Skulduggery shouted back over the roar. "If you get off you'll die!"

"I'll die?"

"I don't know," Skulduggery shouted. "Probably.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“You didn’t allow me anything! I allowed you! I allowed you to fool yourselves into thinking you had a choice!” Strom took a breath. When he had his anger under control, he spoke again. “You are clearly unfit to serve as Grand Mage,” he announced, “and all three of you are unfit to serve on the Council of Elders. By the authority vested in me by the international community I am hereby taking command of this Sanctuary. You are relieved of your duties.” Nobody moved. Valkyrie was frozen to the spot, though her eyes darted from person to person. Moving slowly, Grim reached for his jacket, and Skulduggery drew his revolver and pointed it into his face. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Skulduggery said. The bodyguard raised his hands. Strom’s eyes widened. “What you just did is illegal.” “We’re in charge,” Ravel told him. “You think we’re going to roll over just because you tell us to? Who the hell do you think you are?” “I am a Grand Mage, Mr Ravel, a title I earned because of hard work and dedication. Whereas you, on the other hand, are Grand Mage because nobody else wanted the job.” “Whoa,” said Ravel. “That was a little below the belt, don’t you think?” “None of you have the required experience or wisdom to do what is expected of you. I know you’ll find it hard to believe, but we didn’t come here to take control. We came here to help.” “And now you want to take control anyway.” “You have proven yourselves incompetent. And what are you doing now? You’re holding a Grand Mage at gunpoint?” “Technically, Skulduggery is only holding a Grand Mage’s bodyguard at gunpoint. Which isn’t nearly as bad.” “You all seem to be forgetting that I have thirty-eight mages loyal to the Supreme Council in this country.” “And you seem to be under the illusion that we find that intimidating.” “If I go missing—” “Missing?” Ravel said. “Who said anything about going missing? No, no. You’re just going to be in a really long and really important meeting, that’s all.” “Don’t be a fool,” said Strom. “You can’t win here, Ravel. There are more of us than there are of you. And the moment our mages get wind of what’s going on down here, the rest of the Supreme Council will descend on you like nothing you’ve ever seen.” “Quintin, Quintin, Quintin... you make it sound like we’re going to war. This isn’t war. This is an argument. And like all arguments between grown-ups, we keep it away from the kiddies. You’ve got thirty-eight mages in the country? Ghastly, how many cells do we have?” “If we double up we’ll manage.” “Don’t make this any worse for yourselves,” said Strom. “An attack on any one of our mages will be considered an act of war.” “There’s that word again,” said Ravel. “This is insanity. Erskine, think about what you’re doing.” “What we’re doing, Quintin, is allowing our people to do their jobs.” “This is kidnapping.” “Don’t be so dramatic. We’re just going to keep you separated from your people for as long as we need to resolve the current crisis. Skulduggery and Valkyrie are on the case. When have they ever let us down?” Ravel turned to them, gave them a smile. “You’d better not let us down.” Skulduggery inclined his head slightly, and Valkyrie went with him as he walked away. “Holy cow,” Valkyrie whispered when they were around the corner. “Holy cow indeed.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“And I order people around really well. This morning, Tipstaff came over with a cup of tea and I told him no, I don't want tea I want coffee. That was great. I really asserted my authority."

"Did he go and get you a coffee?"

"No, he said he'd already made of a pot of tea so I took the tea because, you know, he'd already made it, but my authority was still firmly asserted.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“I'm not crazy."

"I'm not judging you, my dear. Some of my best friends are crazy." He nodded to the corner. "Take Wallace, for example. He's crazy as a loon, aren't you, Wallace?"

Valkyrie frowned. "Uh, there's... there's no one there."

Meritorious sighed. "That's what we long-term prisoners call dungeon humour. You learn to appreciate it after a few years.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“They've called me a great many things over the years, but my name is Nefarian Serpine.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“m a butterfly!” screamed the fat man as he ran, flapping his arms like two really flabby, really rubbish wings. “You’re actually not,” Valkyrie Cain told him for the eighth time. He ran around her in a big circle, bathed in moonlight, and she just stood there with her head down. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and moments earlier she’d had to drag her eyes away from his wobbling bosoms before they made her feel queasy. Now that his trousers were starting their inexorable slide downwards, she was averting her gaze altogether. “Please,” she said, “pull up your trousers.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Oh, we're all mad around here, Ed! - Clarabelle”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“This is preposterous. Why would I lie? I'm not a criminal. The criminals are the ones in the cells." - Mien

"The prisoners are the ones in the cells," Skulduggery corrected. "Criminals can be anyywhere.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Here lies Valkyrie Cain, who died heroically after falling of a train." At least it rhymed.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“I think you're shorter than you were." - Clarabelle

"Yes," said Scapegrace. "Because I'm in a jar. I'm just a head."

Clarabelle shrugged. "We're all just heads, when you think about it. The only difference between us is that we have arms and legs and bodies and we don't live in jars like you do. It's a nice jar, though. Where did you get it?”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Lament turned to Skulduggery. "Do you want me to hold your hand?"

"I'd rather you didn't."

"Perfectly understandable," Lament said.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Me? Stay out of trouble? Shouldn't be a problem in the slightest? - Valkyrie”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“A phone beeped quietly and she woke. It was morning. Friday the 30th of April. One day before May 1st, and Greta Dapple's birthday, and the Summer of Light, when the world would tear itself apart. What a cheery, happy thought to wake up to.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“You know," Ghastly said to Skulduggery, "for someone who hates plans, you've got an awful lot of them."

"Well, yes," Skulduggery replied, "but really, the likelihood of any of them actually working is extraordinarily slim.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Give it to me!" the woman screamed. "Give it to me!"

Nye scuttled over. "Mr Scapegrace, you know the procedure cannot be repeated, your brains are in far too deteriorated a condition."

"You! Gave! Me! The! Wrong! Body!”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Scientists are a cold-blooded bunch. Standing by while innocent people are killed, while the power you so generously donated is twisted and warped by the fragile little minds of the ordinary people. I can't believe you thought your plan would ever work. - Darquesse, to Argeddion”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“I can be quite charming when I want to be. - Strom”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“I'm not a thing. I'm not an it. I'm a person. I am a her. - Stephanie (the reflection)”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Nothing says “all is good with the world” like exclamation marks, after all.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Please don’t tell me you’re in love with my granny.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“Of course I want to kill you,” said Skulduggery. “I want to kill most people. But then where would I be? In a field of dead people with no one to talk to.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“She flew at the roof, punching through and crashing through this floor and then the next, swerving now, crashing through a wall, sensing the alarm as Kitana turned. Then she was bursting through, barrelling past Doran and Sean, her fists colliding with Kitana’s pretty face. She hit Kitana with the speed of a bullet and the poor girl’s head came apart. Her momentum took Darquesse through into the next room, and she touched down, laughing. Back in a good mood. She stepped back through the hole in the wall. Doran and Sean were on their knees, staring at what was left of Kitana.”

― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

Skulduggery Pleasant: The Last Stand Of Dead MenEdit

“She turned to Skulduggery and held out her arms. “Come here, you.”

He tilted his head. “My hugs are for special occasions only.”

“Hug me.”

“I prefer the old tradition.”

“Hug.”

“Would a handshake do?”

“Hug.”

“A pat on the back?”

She stepped forward and wrapped her arms round him. “Hug,” she said.

He sighed, and his hands settled on her shoulders. The others were warm and their embraces strong – with Skulduggery the hug was cold, and there were areas on his jacket that gave way beneath her fingers, and she could feel the emptiness within. She didn’t mind.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Are you sulking?”

“Me? No. I don’t sulk.”

“You sound like you’re sulking.”

“I’m just waiting for the violent urges to subside.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Suddenly Saracen Rue looked old and tired, and Skulduggery Pleasant came into focus as what he really was – a genius, a killer, a tortured soul, and the only true dead man among them.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“I don’t want a perfectly safe weapon. I want a dangerous weapon that hurts people.”

He took the stick from her, rapped it against her head. She howled and he nodded.

“See? It hurts people.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Reading those books is all he does these days. I think he’s even read some of them twice. What kind of disturbed individual would read the same book twice, I ask you?”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Thank you,” Skulduggery said to her. “I fear he was about to start insulting me.”

“I couldn’t let that happen,” she said. “Your ego is a fragile and delicate thing.”

“You see? You understand me.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Dexter, please put your shirt on. Valkyrie’s getting distracted.”

“I’m not,” she said, then smiled at Vex. “You don’t have to put your shirt on.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“She wants to be polite and not hurt your feelings, so she's not going to laugh right now. But inside, inside she's laughing.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“If he can't get to the clock, any idea how we deal with this lot?"

"With great care," Donegan suggested.

"How about we run off shout and they follow?" Said Gracious. "Then, just when they think they've caught us they fall into our trap."

"OK," said Tanith. "And that trap would be?"

"A big hole we'd dug earlier and covered with branches.'

Tanith frowned. "I thought you were meant to be smart."

Gracious frowned back at her. "Who told you that?"

"Gracious is book smart," said Donegan. "He leaves the real world thinking to people like you and me and small dogs that he meets."

"The innocent are often the wisest.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“This book is dedicated to you.

Whether you are a Minion or a Skuttlebug or just, you know, a normal person, it’s because of you that I get to do what I love and laughingly call it work.

I know some of you by name and some of you by sight (and some of you by smell, but let’s not get into that) but there are still countless others I have never met, and to all of you I say thank you for your support, your passion, and your lunacy.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Sanguine felt the ridiculous urge to reach out and poke him, just to see if he’d react, but he’d seen that kind of anger before. It was the quiet kind. The dangerous kind.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“I know she was sent to keep an eye on me and then kill me, but … do you think she did fall in love with me, even just a small bit?”

“Not really.”

“Oh.”

“She stuck a knife in you.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s rarely a good sign.”

“I suppose.”

“But hey, you had some good times, didn’t you?”

“Yes. Yes we did.”

“Before she stabbed you.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“There's a clock on the wall. Press your hand against the face and turn it very slightly to the. Left. There'll be a click to tell you it's done."

"Sounds easy enough."

"Yes it does," said Sanguine. "Kiss for good luck?"

"Maybe later," said Gracious.

"How about a handshake?" Asked Donegan.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“strike from the shadows, disapear into darkness”

― derek landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“They have a name for it these days. They have a name for everything these days. They call it Second Lifetime Syndrome, and it happens when a sorcerer watches her family and friends age and die around her. You’ll latch on to other mages from that moment on, because what’s the point of going through all that pain again? Valkyrie, there are some stark realities you have to face. You’re going to look the way you do for the next eighty years. In two hundred years, you’ll look twenty-five. You won’t be able to form attachments to mortals. They will start to notice something is different about you when they’re lined and saggy and you’re still young and perky. You’re going to have to say goodbye to your parents before they start to ask questions.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“I was going straight for Mantis, but then that bloody gas got in my eyes and, I don't know, some massive bloke reared up in front of me. I hit him, but I swear, it was like hiting a wall."

Gracious nodded. "You hit a wall."

Maybury blinked at him. "I what?"

"I saw it. You ran into a cloud of gas and stumbled around for a second until you reached a wall, and then you shrieked and punched it. It was very heroic.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“He looked at Ghastly. "Thoughts?"

"I want to kill Sanguine," was the first thing Ghastly said. "And I want to do it slowly, in front of a lot of people. Using a hammer”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Portia followed after, a smirk on her face, and Syc hissed as he passed.

Donegan waited till they were gone, then swung round to Gracious.

"He hissed at me."

"He hissed at you."

"Should I hiss back?"

"It's a bit late."

"He could still hear."

"Not unless you run after him."

"Do you think I should?"

"Probably not."

"I think I should."

"It'd be a bit weird."

"You might be right." Donegan pursed his lips, then shook his fist at the doorway.

"That showed him," said Gracious.

Donegan nodded. "He'll think twice about hissing at me again.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“He things we think he's a double agent, working for them but secretly working for us. He doesn't know we know he's a triple agent, working for them but secretly working for us but really he's secretly working for them. Dexter, how's your brain?"

"Hurting.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Night descended on Roarhaven like a woolly blanket of blackness with holes in it that were the stars.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“The Engineer smiled (internally, for of course it had no mouth). It was feeling good. It was feeling optimistic. Moving at its current speed, it would arrive back in Ireland in plenty of time to shut everything down before a series of overloads and power loops inevitably led to a sequence of events which would, in turn, eventually lead to the probable destruction of the world. The Engineer wasn't worried.

And then the truck hit it.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“He looked at Ghastly. "Thoughts?"

"I want to kill Sanguine," was the first thing Ghastly said. "And I want to do it slowly, in front of a lot of people. Using a hammer."

Skulduggery nodded. "Very healthy.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“I am what prevents the Accelerator from being a bomb."

"Except you didn't," said Gracious. "Because you weren't around."

"I got bored."

"You're a machine."

"Machines can become bored, too."

Gracious looked suddenly concerned. "My toaster is bored?"

"Perhaps, " said the Engineer. "I do not know many toasters.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“The door handle turned. Someone knocked, and a man's voice called, "Uh, hello?"

Valkyrie looked at Skulduggery, looked back at the others, looked at Skulduggery again.

"Hello," Skulduggery said, speaking loudly to be heard over the alarm.

"Hi," said the man. "The door's locked."

"Is it?"

"Yes."

"That's funny" said Skulduggery. "Hold on a moment." He reached out, jiggled the handle a few times, then stepped back. "Yes, it's locked. You wouldn't happen to have the key, would you?"

There was a delay in response from the other side. "I'm sorry," the man called, "Who am I speaking with?"

Skulduggery tilted his head. "Who am I speaking with?"

"This is Oscar Nightfall."

"Are you sure?"

"What?"

"Are you sure you are who you say you are? This is the Great Chamber, after all. It's a very important place for very important people. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that someone, and I'm not saying that this applies to you in particular, but someone could conceivably lie about who they are in order to gain access to this room. I have to be vigilant, especially now. There's a war on, you know."

Oscar Nightfall sounded puzzled. Who are you?"

"Me? I'm nobody. I'm a cleaner. I'm one of the cleaners. I was cleaning the thrones and the door shut behind me. Now I can't get out. Could you try and find a key?"

"What's your name? Give me you name."

"No. It's mine."

"Tell me your name!"

"My name is Oscar Nightfall."

"What? No it isn't. That's my name."

"Is it? Since when?"

"Since I took it!"

"You didn't ask me if you could take it. I was using it first."

"Open this door immediately."

"I don't have the key."

"I'll fetch the Cleavers."

"I found the key. It was in the keyhole. It's always the last place you look isn't it? I'm unlocking the door now. Here we go."

Skulduggery relaxed the air pressure, opened the door, and pulled Oscar Nightfall inside. Valkyrie stuck out her foot, and Oscar stumbled over it and Vex shoved him to Ghastly and Ghastly punched him. Oscar fell down and didn't get up again. Skulduggery closed the door once more.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“With the speed of a cobra, Scapegrace lashed out at Bagatelle, catching him on the ear with a vicious chop. He ducked as Shun reached for him, and spun with a kick that came dangerously close to landing. Mud fired off a punch that Scapegrace blocked with his chin, and Scapegrace countered with a flailing hand to the air as he fell.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“We're authors, too," Donegan said, "and we've been trying to get into the picture-book market. We have this idea for a Where's Wally type thing, except in ours, you'd have to find the one living person hiding in among all the dismembered corpses while the chainsaw-wielding killer hunts him down. You know, for kids."

"We're going to call is Save the Survivor," Gracious said.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“What are you doing?"

"I'm, uh, acting normal."

"No you're not. You're acting like someone pretending to be normal. Stop pretending and start acting, but don't act like you're not pretending, that'll make it worse.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Ghastly Bespoke’s opinions were not always right. It was his opinion, for example, that he could stand with his back to you and you wouldn’t stick a knife in it. How wrong he was.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“With age comes wisdom, you ever hear that?"

"I did, but I've found that wisdom has a cut-off point of around one hundred and twenty years. Once you reach that, you're really as wise as you're going to get.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Should we change our name?" Saracen asked. "The Dead People, perhaps?"

"The Dead Non-Gender-Specific Persons?" Vex suggested.

"Dead Men and a Girl? Dead Men and a Little Lady?”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

by

8,361 ratings, 4.61 average rating, 501 reviews

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“Tricking?" Ravel said. "I wouldn't call it tricking, no. Manipulating? It could possibly be seen as manipulating.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Our investigation is ongoing," he said.

"Do you know something you're not telling me?"

"Yes."

"Right. Well, at least someone knows something. That's a nice bloody change.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“You didn't hear me right. I didn't say 'a mug of poisoned tea'. I said 'a poisoned mug of tea'. It was the handle I poisoned... Laken Cross, you are an evil man for coming here to kill me and you're an evil man for forcing me to do what I had to do. I hope you burn in whatever hell you believe in. - Finbar”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“We have this idea for a 'Where's Wally' type thing, except in ours, you'd have to find the one living person hiding in among all the dismembered corpses while the chainsaw-wielding killer hunts him down. You know, for kids. - Donegan”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Do not do that!" it said. "I have a delicate heart!"

"That it keeps in a jar on its desk," Clarabelle whispered loudly.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Before her mum could start crying, Valkyrie’s dad stood up. He cleared his throat, pondered a bit, and then began. “It is no secret that I always wanted a son.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“I don't recall seeing your friend, either. What did you say he was? A zombie? A mummy?"

"A skeleton."

"A skeleton, yeah. Haven't seen one of those in ages.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“In that movie, Mr Miyagi has Daniel doing all these mundane tasks like painting the fence and waxing the car, then later Daniel does the same moves and finds out it's kung fu. You have me doing all of these fighting moves... If I find out later that what you're actually doing is teaching me how to paint fences and wax cars, I'm not paying you, you understand? - Scapegrace”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“They call it Second Lifetime Syndrome, and it happens when a sorcerer watches her family and friends age and die around her. - China”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Clarabelle, did you draw a smiley face on the robot? - Nye”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“And Ghastly became aware of Ravel's eyes, brimming with tears, those eyes that had many a lady swooning over him down through the centuries. Those golden eyes.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“There are too many people for this town. - China, about Roarhaven”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Miss Sorrows is a wonderful teacher. She really is so good at this. I'll never be half as good as she is. That's what she keeps telling me. She's magnificent. - NJ”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Ghastly and Anton have been murdered. Ravel's betrayed us. Valkyrie is... gone. The Dead Men have had their last stand and we've fallen, Saracen. The three of us are all that remain. - Skulduggery”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“So not only have we Darquesse on the loose, and not only do we have nineteen supercharged sorcerers running around, and virtually every Sanctuary on the planet in a state of chaos, but now we have twenty-three days to decide who's going to kill themselves to save the world? How the hell are we meant to manage any of that? - Vex”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Mist spoke. “And now, Miss Sorrows, where do your loyalties lie?” China looked at her. “Where they have always lain, Madame Mist. With me.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“kill him kill him kill him kill him kill him kill him”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“What kind of disturbed individual would read the same book twice, I ask you?”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Where's my black top?"

"I put it in the wash."

"It was clean."

"It had blood on it."

"Yeah, but not mine.”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“this is going to be dangerous, I can't make any of you come with me on this one. Questions"

Everybody put their hands up

"Sorry", Skulduggery said, "I meant 'volunteers'. Thank you”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

“Whu?”

― Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men

Skulduggery Pleasant: The Dying of The LightEdit

“Violence?"Skulduggery said. "Violence is never the answer, until it's the only answer.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“Gracious ignored him. "A farmer's daughter, she was, though back then every girl was a farmer's daughter. Or a farmer. She had long hair like rope, and a nose. All her eyes were blue and she had a smile like a radiant hole in the ground, with teeth. God, she was beautiful."

"She sounds terrifying," said Donegan.

"Hush, you. I will hear no bad word spoken of your sister.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“Honesty is, honestly, the best policy,” said Saracen. “But when honesty doesn’t work, lie, and lie convincingly.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“Punishment is not the answer. Punishment is easy. It’s lazy. Redemption is hard. Redemption makes you work.”

-Skulduggery”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“Please just admit it," said Valkyrie. "You're going to miss me, aren't you?"

"Obviously," said Skulduggery.

"Thank you."

"Like a drowning man misses the land."

"A w w w..."

"Like a hesitant man misses the chance."

"Yeah..."

"Like an oblivious man misses the point."

"I have a feeling you're mocking me somehow, but I can't put my finger on how.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“He stood there, looking at her. She glared back, opened her mouth to continue the conversation, but he suddenly turned, walked away, like he'd just remembered that she may look and sound and talk like Valkyrie Cain, but she wasn't Valkyrie Cain.

And she never would be.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“The traffic warden looked up. "This your car?"

"It is," said Skulduggery.

The traffic warden nodded. "Very nice, very nice. But you can't park here, day or night."

"I wasn't aware of that."

"There's a sign right over there."

"I didn't think it applied to me."

"Why wouldn't it have applied to you?"

Skulduggery tilted his head. "Because I'm special."

"Don't care how special you think you are, you're parked in a no parking area and as such you're---"

"We're here on official police business."

The traffic warden narrowed his eyes. "You're Garda? I'm going to need to see some identification."

"We're undercover," said Skulduggery. "This is a very important undercover operation which you are endangering just by talking to us." He opened his jacket. "Look, I have a gun. I am Detective Inspector Me. This is my partner, Detective Her."

The traffic warden frowned. "Her?"

"Me," said Stephanie.

"Him?"

"Not me," said Skulduggery. "Her."

"Me," said Stephanie.

"You?" said the traffic warden.

"Yes," said Stephanie.

"I"m sorry, who are you?"

Stephanie looked at him. "I'm Her, he's Me. Got it? Good. You better get out of here before you blow our cover. They've got snipers.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“There’s nothing I would change about the last few years. Valkyrie has proven herself to be an astonishing individual and one I would gladly lay down my life for, such as it is. How many people leading normal lives would you be able to say that about?”

“Until the end,” Valkyrie said softly.

Skulduggery looked at her, his head tilting gently.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“And what, if you don’t mind me asking, is really important?”

Valkyrie holds her hand palm upwards, and it starts to glow from within. She smiles at him.

“Magic,” she says.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“Have to be honest with you Darquesse, I cannot feel that. That must be one of your special abilities, because to me, it looks like you just killed a whole bunch of people for no reason."

"Oh," said Darquesse. "That's so sad”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“Stephanie glared at Skulduggery. "What was wrong with the door? You could have just come down the stairs and walked out the door. Why did you have to jump out of the window?"

"You know why," Skulduggery said, walking away.

Axle looked up, tears streaming from his eyes. "Why did he do that? Why?"

Stephanie glowered. "Because doors are for people with no imagination," she said, and led Axle to the car.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“It was a trap. It was so obviously a trap.

Darquesse smiled.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“I thought you wanted me to talk more," he said when he noticed her silence. "Can't have it both ways, Stephanie. I can't be quiet when you want to sulk and chatty when you want to chat. That's not how it works. That's not how I work."

"I'm not sulking."

"Well, you're doing something with your face that resembles sulking. Are you glowering? You might be glowering. Glowering is like sulking only scarier.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“I’m no hero,” said Scapegrace. “I’m just a man, who used to be a woman, who used to be a man. My name is Vaurien Scapegrace, and I have come here to—”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“Don't open the door to strangers," said her dad. "Unless they're selling something. Then open the door and see if I'd like it. If I'd like it, buy it for me. But nothing cheap. I have standards. Nothing too expensive, either. My standards aren't that high.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“Scapegrace went to roll his eyes, but lost his enthusiasm halfway through and ended up looking at the ceiling.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“It's not so bad."

Melancholia looked at her. "You're lying."

"I'll get used to it. So will you."

"I... I don't think I'll be able to."

"I'll be there to help when you need it."

"But I hate you."

Valkyrie smiled. "No you don't."

"No, I do. I want to kill you and stuff."

"We actually became friends in those caves."

"That's not what happened, " said Melancholia.

"We're pals. We're buddies.”

"If my wrists weren't in shackles, my hands would be round your throat."

"You want to hug my throat because we're friends.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“You got stuck in a wall?" she said. "For how long?"

"A few minutes. Half an hour. An hour at the most. Maybe two. Or a day. Remember that day I called Valkyrie and told her to take the afternoon off? Yeah, I was stuck in a wall.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“Over his shoulder, she saw Skulduggery walk in. "Oh, hell," she muttered.

Wreath's smile reappeared. "It's Skulduggery, isn't it?"

Over his shoulder, she saw Skulduggery walk in. "Oh , hell," she muttered.

Wreath's smile reappeared. "It's Skulduggery, isn't it?"

"Please don't annoy him."

"Me? When have I EVER annoyed the great Skulduggery Pleasant?"

Skulduggery arrived at their table. Wreath smile up at him. "Hello."

"I will shoot you in the eye," Skulduggery said.

Wreath glanced at Valkyrie. "I think I've annoyed him.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“You're not used to early mornings, are you?"

He shook his head. "Early mornings were invented by the system to keep the people occupied. But not me. I'm on to them. They're not gonna catch me napping. Metaphorically, like. Obviously, they can catch me physically napping like, four or five times a day, but, metaphorically, I am so far beyond their reach.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“What's this about slippers?" Stephanie's mom said, walking in.

"Dad's just saying he could never lead the resistance against a robot army because he wears slippers."

"This is very true," her mum said.

"Then it's decided," Stephanie's father said. "When the robot army makes itself known, I will be one of the first traitors to sell out the human race."

"Wow," said Stephanie.

"Now that's an about-turn," said her mum.

"It's the only way," said her dad. "I have to make sure my family survives. The two of you and that other one, the small one--"

"Alice."

"That's her. You're all that matter to me. You're all I care about. I will betray the human race so that the robot army spares you. And then later, I will betray you so that the robot army spares me. It's a dangerous ploy, but someone has to be willing to take the big risks, and I'll be damned if I'm about to let anyone else gamble with my family's future."

"You're so brave," Stephanie's mum said.

"I know," said her dad, and then quieter, "I know.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“I... I don't, I don't think I can do this."

"Do what?"

It didn't answer.

"Do the tests?"

"I can't work with you when you're like this!" it blurted. "To every one of my specimens, I am the last thing they see! Terrror is what I am used to-- terror is what I like! I prefer my subjects to scream and beg, not ask to see results!"

"I'll scream my questions, if that helps."

"It won't," it said sadly. "I'll know you're only trying to make me feel better.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“Put a smile on that face, Valkyrie. You're unique. Easily as unique as I am."

"Two freaks in a pod, eh?"

His head tilted, amused. "Wouldn't have it any other way.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“This is all very regrettable, though it isn’t really, and I wish to assure you that I, in no way, derive any personal satisfaction from any of this, even though I so obviously do. If you feel the need to vent any more of your frustration, please feel free to do so, as I intend to build a collage of this moment and I’d like some more amusing anecdotes to go along with it.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“What did you do?" Scapegrace asked.

A series of expressions flitted across Clarabelle's face. First, there was indignation, then there was resignation, followed by hope, chased by confusion, and finally knocked down and sat upon by innocence. "Nothing.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“Skulduggery? Where's Skulduggery?"

"I'm here," Skulduggery said. "I was beginning to think you were lost to us."

Finbar's mouth twitched into a brief smile. "Sorry. You're not going to get rid of me so easily.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“This is a very important undercover operation which you are endangering just by talking to us.” He opened his jacket. “Look, I have a gun. I am Detective Inspector Me. This is my partner, Detective Her.” The traffic warden frowned. “Her?” “Me,” said Stephanie. “Him?” “Not me,” said Skulduggery. “Her.” “Me,” said Stephanie. “You?” said the traffic warden. “Yes,” said Stephanie. “I’m sorry, who are you?” Stephanie looked at him. “I’m Her, he’s Me. Got it? Good.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“My magic," Valkyrie said, looking at him. "Darquesse took my magic.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“The scepter hadn't bonded to her. Meaning it had already bonded to someone else.

Valkyrie sank down onto her haunches and closed her eyes. "Oh, Alice...”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“I didn't think they even existed. They're in stories, in legends, and we have Dragon Eye jewels and dragon threads and dragon this and that, but no one ever seriously thought these things came from actual dragons. That would have been... ridiculous. - Skulduggery”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

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“So I've been in a coma for... how long?"

"A year and a half."

Melancholia's eyes widened. "What? A year and a half? What the hell?”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“You know when everyone tells you it's painful? You should really believe them." - Valkyrie

"Oh, joy," he muttered. "I can't wait for mine. - Fletcher, about the Surge”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“A little internal bleeding never hurt anyone. - Valkyrie”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“I am Detective Inspector Me. This is my partner, Detective Her."

The traffic warden frowned. "Her?"

"Me," said Stephanie.

"Him?"

"Not me," said Skulduggery. "Her."

"Me," said Stephanie.

"You?" said the traffic warden.

"Yes," said Stephanie.

"I'm sorry, who are you?"

Stephanie looked at him. "I'm Her, he's Me. Got it?”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense.

"There is a vegetable-plant hybrid we've been working on, modifying the genes and receptors, mutating the proteins and acids so that they are, in effect, neurotransmitters. Our work on the synapses alone has been quite illuminating."

Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“Punishment is not the answer. Punishment is easy. It’s lazy. Redemption is hard. Redemption makes you work.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“Why did you have to jump out of the window?"

"You know why," Skulduggery said, walking away.

Axle looked up, tears streaming from his eyes. "Why did he do that? Why?"

Stephanie glowered. "Because doors are for people with no imagination," she said.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“This is all very regrettable, though it isn't really, and I wish to assure you that I, in no way, derive any personal satisfaction from any of this, even though I so obviously do. If you feel the need to vent any more of your frustation, please feel free to do so, as I intend to build a collage of this moment and I'd like some more amusing anecdotes to go along with it. - China”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“Her parents were sitting at the table, staring at the laptop.

She grinned. "You get it working?”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“Mum, Dad, Fergus... this is Skulduggery Pleasant”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“I am Vaurien Scapegrace," the woman announced, "and I'm here to save the world.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“It's not so bad."

Melancholia looked at her. "You're lying."

"I'll get used to it. So will you."

"I... I don't think I'll be able to."

"I'll be there to help when you need it."

"But I hate you."

Valkyrie smiled. "No you don't."

"No, I do. I want to kill you and stuff."

"We actually became friends in those caves."

"That's not what happened, " said Melancholia.

"We're pals. We're buddies.”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“hugely,”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

“I don’t want to think about living in a world where you’re not in it, all right?”

― Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light

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