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Shaun of the Dead

2004 film directed by Edgar Wright

Shaun of the Dead (2004) is a zombie-themed romantic comedy (or rom-zom-com as it dubs itself) about the misadventures of Shaun, a young man trapped in a rut who is attempting to sort out his life, reconcile with his ex-girlfriend, and settle his issues with his mother and stepfather, whilst simulataneously having to cope with an apocalyptic uprising of the undead that is causing society to collapse.

Directed by Edgar Wright.  Written by Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright.
A romantic comedy. With zombies.  (taglines)

Shaun

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  • As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "i" in meat pie. Meat is the anagram of team... I don't know what he's talking about.
  • [Response to David.] GET FUCKED, FOUR-EYES!
  • [Repeated line about Phillip.] He's not my dad. He's my stepdad.
  • [repeated line, about his copy of Man Parrish's "Hip Hop Be-Bop"] That was the second album I ever bought!
  • [Seeing a zombie without an arm] Ohh, for God's sake! He's got an arm off!
  • How's that for a slice of fried gold?
  • [coming across zombified Pete] Ah! Sorry, Pete, sorry... listen, we're gonna borrow your car, okay, hope you don't mind and – ah – later on, if you're feeling better, w-we're going down to the pub, so you're m-more than welcome to, to... [whispered] join us.(A reference to The Evil Dead).
  • What's the matter, David? Never taken a shortcut before? (This line would be repeated in Hot Fuzz)
  • [distracting a zombie horde.] Come and get it! It's a running buffet! All you can eat!
  • (after Ed gives him a beer) Thanks Babe.
  • Would anyone like... a peanut?
  • [As zombified Pete is biting Ed] PETE! I SAID, LEAVE HIM ALONE! [Shoots and kills zombified Pete.]
  • [When about to attack a zombified John] Okay, John. It's time at the bar!
  • [Ed points out that Pete is in the bar.] Fuck-a-doodle-doo!
  • [When Ed says he's sorry and Shaun smells his farts] Oh my god, that is rotten!

Ed

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  • Who died and made you fucking king of the zombies?
  • [to David when he complains about the window] You did that, you twat!
  • Wa'ssup, niggas?
  • Yeeaah, boy!
  • [to Shaun as he goes to save Barbara] Don't forget to kill Phillip!
  • [repeated line.] Cock it!
  • [Indicates hand movement of sex] "Café au lait" [Moans and points at Shaun] "Pour Vous"
  • [repeated line.] Two seconds.
  • WE'RE COMING TO GET YOU, BARBARA! (reference to Night of the Living Dead)
  • Can I get any of you cunts a drink?
  • Oi, prick!
  • You believe everything you hear on TV?
  • Watch the leather (reference to Dazed and Confused)
  • Cornetto.
  • [repeating phone messages to Shaun] Well, your mum rang about going out tonight, then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight, and then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.
  • Who the bloody hell put this on?
  • There's a girl in the garden. [Shaun: What?] In the garden, there's a girl.

Other Characters

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  • Liz: If I don't do something, I'm going to end up going into that pub every night for the rest of my life like the rest of those sad old fuckers, drinking myself to death and wondering what the hell happened.
  • Liz: PLEASE, CAN WE JUST CALM... THE FUCK... DOWN!
  • Liz: I can see what David is trying to say, even if he is being a twat!
  • Diane: [describing the appearance of a zombie.] Vacant, with a hint of sadness. Like a drunk who's lost a bet.
  • Diane: [Repeated line] SHAUUUUN!
  • David: For a hero, you're quite a hypocrite!
  • David: I'm not the one being unreasonable, pickle!
  • Phillip: [On his zombie bite.] I'm perfectly alright, Barbara. I ran it under a cold tap.
  • Barbara: [final words.] It's been a funny sort of day, hasn't it?
  • Various: [to Shaun, repeated line.] You've got red on you.
  • Pete: [To Shaun] Sort your fucking life out, mate!
  • Pete: And the front door is open... again!
  • Pete: Fuck-a-doodle-doo!
  • Pete: It's four in the "fucking morning"!
  • Trisha Goddard: [re: a guest who still loves her undead husband.] You go to bed with it?!
  • Radio Newscaster: The Church of England has joined other extremist religious groups in proclaiming the phenomenon 'a sign of the coming apocalypse', although Downing Street is refusing to be drawn into a religious debate.
  • Jeremy Thompson: [During emergency news broadcast] In extreme circumstances, the assailants can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain. I will repeat that: by removing the head or destroying the brain.
  • Jeremy Thompson: [On 'six months on' special] It's just not something you ever expect to have to say on air: "removing the head or destroying the brain". Extraordinary.
  • Television Newscaster: Reports that the infection was spread by rage-infected monkeys have now been dismissed as bull-

Dialogue

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[Opening lines; Shaun and Liz are sitting in the pub, drinking.]
Liz: Shaun – d'you see what I'm saying?
Shaun: Yeah, totally.
Liz: I mean, I know he's your best friend, but you do live with him.
Shaun: I know...
Liz: It's not that I don't like Ed. Ed, it's not that I don't like you.
[Cut to reveal that Ed is actually standing next to them, playing the pub's "Ooh Ah Dracula" fruit machine]
Ed: It's alright.
Liz: It’d just be nice if we could-
Ed: [playing game in background.] Fuck!
Liz: – spend a bit of time together –
Ed: Bollocks!
Liz: – just you and me.
Ed: Cock it!
Liz: It's just that with Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flatmates out, and then that only exacerbates things.
Shaun: What you mean?
Liz: Well, you guys hardly get on, do you?
Shaun: No, I mean, what does 'exacerbate' mean?
Liz: Um, it means to make things worse.
Liz: Shaun, what I'm trying to say is, I need something a little more, rather than spending every night in the Winchester. I wanna get out there and do more interesting stuff, I wanna live a little, and I want you to want to want to do it too! [Groans] Listen to me, I'm beginning to sound like your mum – not that I know what she sounds like.
David: You still haven't met his mum?!
Shaun: [To David] Not yet!
Dianne: Don't you get along with your mum, Shaun?
Shaun: No, it's not that I don't get on with her-
David: Are you ashamed by your mum, Shaun?
Shaun: No! I love my mum!
Ed: Yeah, I love his mum.
Shaun: Ed.
Ed: (sing song tone) She's like butttahhh!...
Shaun: Ed!
David & Di: Shaun!
Shaun: [To David & Di] Guys-
Liz: Shaun.
Shaun: Liz! Look, I understand what you're trying to say, OK, and I agree. We should get out there. We'll start tomorrow, alright? I'll book a restaurant, you know, the place that does all the fish? Just the two of us. Things will change, promise.
Liz: [Nodding] Really, Shaun?
[Shaun nods and sips his beer.]
Liz: Shaun?
[On leaving the front door open.]
Pete: I'm not saying it was you, Shaun.
Shaun: I know, man...
Pete: I'm saying it was Ed.
Shaun: [About Ed.] Well, I've known him since primary school. I like having him around, he's a laugh.
Pete: What, because he can impersonate an orangutan? Fuck-a-doodle-doo.
[Shaun is trying to make up with Liz.]
Shaun: Let's go out somewhere.
Liz: What, to the Winchester?
Shaun: [Laughs, then] Do you want to?
Liz: No, I don't fucking want to!!
Liz: You, hang out with my friends? A failed actress and a twat?
Shaun: Well, that's a bit harsh.
Liz: Your words, Shaun!
Shaun: I did NOT call Diane a failed actress!
Liz: You promised you'd quit smoking when I did!
Shaun: Well...
Liz: You promised you'd start going to the gym!
Shaun: I...
Liz: You promised you'd try red wine instead of beer!
Shaun: Eh...
Liz: You promised we'd go on holiday together!
Shaun: Well, we went to Greece, didn't we?
Liz: We met in Greece!
David: At a rave.
Liz: You promised things would change.
Diane: You promised you'd get us free cable.
Shaun: I'm working on that!
Diane: Okay.
[Zombie bangs on the door of "The Winchester."]
John (bartender): Sorry, we're closed.
[Zombie moans.]
Ed: Pisshead.
Shaun & Ed: [drunk, singing.] Doo doo doo doo. Base. White Lines, Visions dreams of passion, goin' thru my mind, and all the while I think of you!
[Shaun & Ed see two people holding each other with the woman vigourously 'kissing' the man.]
Ed: What's wrong haven't you had your tea?
[Ed & Shaun laugh.]
[The man in the backgound's neck goes limp as the woman eats his neck.]
Shaun & Ed: [resume singing.] Something of a phenomenon baby, telling my body to come along. White Lines, Blow away! Shhh!
[Shaun body slams Ed.]
Shaun & Ed: Ah, get higher baby, Ah, get higher baby, Ah, get higher girl! Ahh!
Zombie: [groans loudly.]
Shaun & Ed: [scoffs] Daba daba daba daba daba!
Zombie: [groans]
Shaun & Ed: Daba daba daba daba daba!
Zombie: [groans softer]
Shaun: What's he doing? He should say bass.
Ed: Or freeze.
Shaun & Ed: What a tit.
[Pete storms in and snatches album off of vinyl player]
Shaun: Don't scratch it! Wha- [Pete throws album out the window] That was the second album I ever bought!
Pete: It's four in the fucking morning!
Shaun: It's Saturday!
Pete: No, it's not. It's fucking Sunday, and I've got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours 'cos every other fucker in my fucking department is fucking ill! NOW CAN YOU SEE WHY I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY?!
Ed: Fuck, yeah!
Shaun: Woah, woah, Pete, look...all right, we had a couple of drinks...we split up with Liz tonight.
Pete: ...All right, just keep it down a bit.
Shaun: Sure. [Pete turns to leave]
Ed: [mutters] Prick. [Pete stops]
Pete: What was that?
Ed: Nothing. [Pete goes to swing at Ed; Shaun attempts to stop him]
Shaun: Whoa, we're all friends here–
Pete: He's not my friend, he's a fuckin' idiot!
Ed: What's that supposed to mean?
Pete: It means, why don't you FUCK OFF!?! You wanna live like an animal, go live in the shed, you thick fuck!
Shaun: Oh, leave him alone!
Pete: Stop defending him, Shaun! All he ever does is hold you back! Or does it make your life easier having someone around who's more of a loser than you are?
Shaun: [Hurt] What's that supposed to mean?
Pete: You know what I mean. I assume it was Liz that did the dumping. [pause, pointing at Shaun with a bandaged hand] Sort your fucking life out, mate!
Ed: Whassup with you hand, man?
Pete: [distracted] I got mugged on the way home from work.
Ed: [amused] By who?
Pete: [with growing irritation] I dunno, some crackheads or something. One of 'em bit me.
Ed: [feigning disbelief] Why did they bite you?
Pete: [angrily] I DON'T KNOW, I DIDN'T STOP TO ASK THEM!! [pause, clutching sinuses] Look, I've got a splitting headache, and your stupid hip-hop isn't helping. [he heads for the stairs, stopping at the front entryway] And the front door is open, AGAIN! [slams front door shut]
Ed: [Sulkily] It's not hip-hop, it's electro. Prick. Next time I see him, he's dead.
[Shaun is channel hopping; Channel 4 News]
Krishnan Guru-Murthy: Though no one official is prepared to comment, religious groups are calling it Judgement Day. There's...
[VH1, playing "Panic" by The Smiths]
Morrissey: – Panic on the streets of London...
[ITV News]
Newsreader: – as an increasing number of reports of...
[Football]
Commentator: – serious attacks on...
[Five News]
Newsreader: – people, who are literally being...
[Nature documentary, leopards eating a gazelle]
David Attenborough: ...eaten alive.
[Sky News]
Jeremy Thompson: The witness reports are sketchy, but one unifying detail seems to be that the attackers in many instances appear to be...
[T4]
Vernon Kaye: – dead excited to have with us here a sensational chart topping...
Ed: What's going on, Shaun?
Shaun: [on the phone trying to reach emergency services without any luck] Shit. It's engaged.
Ed:How about an ambulance?
Shaun: It's engaged, Ed.
Ed: [after a pause] Fire engine?
Shaun: [exasperated] It's one number, Ed, and it's busy! Okay? What'd you want a fire engine for, anyway?
Ed: Anything with flashing lights, you know?
Shaun: They still out there?
[Ed pulls back the curtains, revealing two zombies scratching at the window]
Ed: [shuts curtains, steps away contemplatively] Yeah. What you think we should do?
Shaun: Have a sit down?
[Shaun and Ed attempt to confront two zombies using Shaun's vinyl LPs as improvised throwing weapons]
Shaun: Now, some of these are limited-
[Ed throws the first record from the box, which misses and shatters on the wall of the house]
Shaun: Woah woah woah, what was that!?
Ed: I think it was Blue Monday.
Shaun: Man, that was an original pressing!
Ed: For fuck's sake.
[Looking through Shaun's LP collection for suitable records to throw at two approaching zombies]
Ed: Purple Rain?
Shaun: No.
Ed: Sign o' the Times?
Shaun: Definitely not.
Ed: The Batman soundtrack?
Shaun: Throw it.
[Ed does so; it misses]
Ed: Okay... Ooh, Dire Straits?
Shaun: Throw it.
[Ed throws it – clipping Mary in the side of the head]
Ed: The Stone Roses?
Shaun: No.
Ed: Second Coming?
Shaun: I like it.
Ed: Ah! Sade.
Shaun: But that's Liz's.
Ed: Yeah, but she did dump you. [Throws it]
Shaun: Fuck this. I'm going to the shed.
Ed: I thought you said it was locked.
Shaun: [Crashes through the shed door]
Shaun: [calling up staircase] Pete? Pete?
Ed: Why can't we go up there?
Shaun: Because A) he might be one of them, and B) he might still be annoyed. [to stairs] Pete? Peeete? [to Ed] Maybe he already left for work?
Ed: [looks at the key rack on the wall] Well, then why didn't he drive? [grabs Pete's car keys] His keys are still here.
Shaun: Well, maybe he got a ride. He said he wasn't feeling well. [to stairs] Pete?
Ed: [loudly] OI, PRICK!
[There is a pause]
Both: He's not in.
Ed: What's the plan then?
Shaun: Right. We take Pete's car, we drive over to mum's, we go in, take care of Phillip ["I'm so sorry, Phillip."], then we grab mum, we go over to Liz's place, hole up, have a nice cup of tea and wait for all this to blow over.
Ed: Why have we got to go to Liz's?
Shaun: Because we do.
Ed: But she dumped you!
Shaun: I have to know if she's all right!
Ed: Why?
Shaun: Because I love her!
Ed': All right...gay. I'm not staying there, though.
Shaun: Why not?
Ed: If we hole up, I wanna be somewhere familiar, I wanna know where the exits are, and I wanna be allowed to smoke.
Shaun: Okay. Take Pete's car, go around mum's, go in, deal with Phillip ["Sorry Phillip!"], grab mum, go to Liz's, pick her up, bring her back here, have a nice cup of tea and wait for all this to blow over.
Ed: Perfect!
Shaun: No, no, no, no, no, wait, we can't bring her back here.
Ed: Why not?
Shaun: Well, it's not really safe, is it?
Ed: Yeah, look at the state of it.
Shaun: Where's safe? where's familiar?
Ed: Where can I smoke?
Shaun: Take car. Go to mum's. Kill Phil ["Sorry!"], grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How's that for a slice of fried gold?
Ed: Yeah, boyyyeee!
Ed: Any zombies out there?
Shaun: Don't say that!
Ed: What?
Shaun: That!
Ed: What?
Shaun: That!! The "z" word. Don't say it!
Ed: Why not?
Shaun: Because it's ridiculous!
Ed: Alright... are there any, though?
Shaun: [looking out the door mail slot, sees an empty street] I don't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that. [turns his head, sees a pack of zombies] Oh, no, wait, there they are.
Shaun: [About Ed] He's not my boyfriend!
Ed: [Handing beer to Shaun] It might be a bit warm, the cooler's off.
Shaun: Thanks babe. [winks]
David: I'm not staying here.
Liz: David don't do it, that's suicide.
Ed: I think he should go.
Ed: Big Al says so.
Shaun: Yeah, but Big Al also says dogs can't look up!
Shaun: If you get cornered...
[Hits himself on head with cricket bat]
Shaun: ...bash 'em in the head, that seems to work. Ow.
Shaun: Mum, look, what would you say if I told you that over the years Philip's been quite unkind to me?
Barbara: Well you weren't always the easiest person to live with
Shaun: Mum, he chased me round the garden with a bit of wood!
Barbara: Well you did call him a you-know-what!
Shaun: Oh, what, did he tell you that?
Barbara: Yes he did.
Shaun: Motherfucker!
Barbara: Shaun!
Shaun: Sorry mother--mum, mum, did you know that on several occasions... he touched me?
[long pause as Barbara turns to glare at Shaun]
Shaun: That wasn't true. Made it up, shouldn't have done that, sorry.
Barbara: Hello, Ed!
Ed: [sweetly] Hi, Barbara!
Barbara: My how you've grown!
Ed: [mumbles] Yeah, you'd better believe it.
Phillip: [referring to Ed's cassette tape blasting in the car] Can you please turn that noise down?
Barbara: Are you alright, dear? Would you like another tissue?
Phillip: I'd be fine if it weren't for that bloody racket!

[Shaun is trying to persuade his mother to leave the zombified Phillip in the car]

Shaun: He's not my dad!
Barbara: (exasperated) Oh Shaun...
Shaun: Mum! He was, but he's not anymore!
Barbara: [Rushes to door] I really think we could... [Shaun stops her]
Shaun: Listen to me, Mum, listen! That's not even your husband in there! OK? I know it looks like him, but there is nothing of the man you loved in that car, nothing!

[Zombified Phillip switches the music in the car off]

Shaun: [After he kills a zombie, while Ed and David just idly stand there] Feel free to step in at any time!
Ed: You did alright.
David: Didn't want to cramp your style.
Shaun: What?!
Shaun: Everybody stay where you are, I'm going to check and see if the coast is clear.

[Shaun goes up the small ladder, looks for a moment, then comes back down]

Liz: Is it clear?
Shaun: ...No.
Liz: How many?
Shaun: Lots. [Camera pans up to reveal dozens of zombies staggering around The Winchester pub.]
(After Shaun has defeated a zombie with a rifle without firing it)
Ed: Why didn't you just shoot him?
Shaun: For the last time Ed, it's not...
[Gun misfires]
Ed: I knew it! I fucking knew it! I told you, Big Al was right!
[Shaun removes the dart imbedded in his skull]
Shaun: Okay. But dogs CAN look up!
Shaun: Phillip, have you still got the child-locks on?
Phillip: Safety first, Shaun.
[After Liz has broken up with Shaun; "If You Leave Me Now" by Chicago, comes on the juke box]
Ed: [glaring at the juke box] Who the hell put this on?
Shaun: [With tears in his eyes] It's on random.
Ed: For fuck's sake... John, yes please, mate.
[After 'Don't Stop Me Now' by Queen comes on the pub jukebox, thus attracting zombies]
Shaun: Who the hell put this on?!
Ed: It's on random!
Liz: For fuck's sake!
[Shaun and Ed back up to the body of a man they've just hit with the car; Shaun rolls down his window]
Shaun: Excuse me... are you all right?
Ed: Aw, come on, why can't we just go?
Shaun: We've got to be sure. Hello?
Ed: He's going to be dead either way!
Shaun: Ed, that's not the point!
[The body rises and moans, zombified, at Shaun and Ed]
Shaun: Oh, thank God for that.
Shaun: [smugly.] What's the matter, David? Haven't you ever taken a shortcut?
[Shaun and Ed pull up to Barbara's house and sees Phil's Jaguar in the driveway]
Ed: Oh! Hello! Who's a pretty boy, then? [Whistles] You didn't tell me Barbara had a Jag. I've always wanted to drive one of those.
Shaun: Yeah, well, it's Phillip's, okay? He won't let anybody near it. Honestly, I put half a Mars bar in the glove box once and he chased me round the garden with a bit of wood.
Ed: Fuck. It's gorgeous.
...
[later exiting the house with Barbara and Phillip]
Shaun: Where’s the car?
Ed: Hmmm...I pranged it. [Moves to reveal wrecked car]
Shaun: You were parked.
Ed: Yeah. Guess we’ll have to take the Jag.
[After Phillip has been bitten by zombies]
Phillip: You didn't call the doctor, did you?
Barbara: Well, I thought it might be best, dear.
Phillip: I'm perfectly alright, Barbara. I ran it under a cold tap.
Barbara: But Phillip...
Phillip: We had our jabs when we went to the Isle of Wight.
[Phillip is dying from his wounds]
Phillip: Shaun...
Shaun: Yes, Phillip, I got him to turn it down.
Phillip: Being a father... it's not easy.
Shaun: What?
Phillip: You were 12 when I met you, already grown up so much. I just wanted you to be strong and not give up because you lost your dad.
Shaun: Phillip, you don't have to explain...
Phillip: No, no, I do... I always loved you, Shaun. And I always thought you had it in you to do well. You just need...m-motivation. Somebody to look up to and...I thought it could be me. Would you just... take care of your mum? There's a good boy.
[Phillip dies]
David: We're in a pub! What're we going to do now?
Ed: Get a round in?
Shaun: David, kill the Queen!
David: What?
Shaun: The jukebox!
[After Shaun gets shouted at by Liz]
David: [Smugly] Basically, I'd say your nine lives are up, Shaun.
Shaun: Get fucked, four eyes! Why don't you go out with her, you love her so much?
David: What do you mean by that?
[Shaun rolls his eyes and storms off; David and Diane stand next to each other uncomfortably]
David: Well, I don't know what he meant by that.
Shaun: Hang on, I'll check to see if the coast is clear. [climbs the ladder of a child's slide; after checking over the fence for a moment, he comes back down] .......
Liz: Well... is it clear?
Shaun: No.
Liz: How many?
Shaun: Lots.
[Shaun is waiting impatiently through a busy signal on the cordless]
Shaun: Come On!!!!
Ed: Ain't you gonna thank me, then?
Shaun: For what?
Ed: Tidyin' up.
Shaun: [looks about] It doesn't look that tidy.
Ed: [peering at the coffee table, as though the beer cans were the only thing he missed] Well, I had a few beers when I finished.
Ed: Do you want your messages?
Shaun: What?
Ed: Well, your mum rang about you going around tomorrow night, and then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight, and then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.
Shaun: What?
[Repeated exchange]
Yvonne: Shaun! How are you doing?
Shaun: Surviving.
[As Shaun joins Ed in playing a videogame and presses a button on the joypad]
Videogame voice: Player 2 has entered the game.
Ed: Haven't you got work?
[Shaun presses button again and gets up]
Videogame voice: Player 2 has left the game.
Shaun: All right, I've got a car outside, but it's going to be a bit cramped, so has anyone got transport?
Dianne: Ooo, yes.
Shaun: Great, where?
Dianne: Oh, no. Well, I passed my test.
[While disguised as a zombie, Ed's phone rings]
Ed: Two seconds!
[He answers and chats on his phone, despite the horrified looks of the others, until Shaun knocks it out of his hand]
Ed: Oi! What are you doing?
Shaun: [Shouts] What am I doing?! What are YOU doing, you stupid moron?
Ed: Fuck off!
Shaun: [Shouts] YOU FUCK OFF!!!! FUCK FUCKING OFF!!!!!!!! LOOK AT ME!!! I'VE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE STICKING MY NECK OUT FOR YOU AND ALL YOU EVER DO IS FUCK THINGS UP!!!!!!!!!! FUCK THINGS UP AND MAKE ME LOOK STUPID!!! WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO LET IT HAPPEN ANYMORE, OK??!!! NOT TODAY!!!!!!!
Liz: Shaun!
[Liz taps him on the shoulder. Shaun sees the hundreds of zombies staring at them]
Shaun: Oh.
[David points a gun at the newly deceased Barbara, An enraged Shaun breaks a bottle & holds it to David's neck]
Shaun: DON'T POINT THAT FUCKING GUN AT MY MUM!!!
Liz: Shaun, calm down!
[Ed breaks a bottle & holds it to David's neck as well]
Ed: DON'T POINT THAT GUN AT BARBARA!
Liz: Ed, don’t exacerbate things!
Ed: What does that mean?
Dianne: This isn’t exactly fair!
Ed: Here.
[Ed gives his broken bottle to Di, who points it at Shaun. Ed goes to the bar.]
Dianne: Thank you.
[Ed returns with a corkscrew, which he points at David's neck.]
[There is a girl standing in Shaun's garden, back to Shaun and Ed]
Shaun: Excuse me?
[No response]
Shaun: Excuse me?
[No response]
Shaun: Hellew?
[No response; Ed picks up a pebble and throws it off her back]
Ed: Oi!
[Girl turns round, a zombie]
Shaun: Oh, my God... she's so drunk! [laughs]
[Repeated exchange]
Ed: I'm sorry, Shaun.
Shaun: It's OK.
Ed: No, I'm sorry, Shaun.
Shaun: What?
[Smells Ed's fart]
Shaun: Oh, God, that's rotten!
Ed: I'll stop doing it when you stop laughing!
Shaun: I'm not laughing!
Shaun: I do not find it hard to keep my social life and my work life separate.
Worker: Shaun, it's Liz for you.
[Hands him the phone]
Liz: How many shells have we got left?
Shaun: Um...two. I suppose we could, you know, take a few of them out if they stand in a line.
Liz: I wasn't thinking about them.
Shaun: I know.
[Pause]
Shaun: What about Ed? There's only two shells.
Ed: I don't mind being eaten.
Shaun: How're we gonna do this?
Liz: Um...I don't know. Um...One of us has to go first.
Shaun: Well, m-m-maybe one should do the other, and then do themselves.
Liz: Oh, maybe you should do me. I'll only muck it up if I have to do myself.
[Shaun mimes shooting Liz and then shooting himself]
Shaun: You know, I don't think I've got it in me to shoot my flatmate, my mum, and my girlfriend all in the same evening.
Liz: What makes you think I'm taking you back?
Shaun: Well, you don't want to die single, do you?
Ed: Actually, I would like to be shot.
Liz: Goodbye, Ed. Love you.
Ed: Cheers!
Shaun: I love you too, Ed.
Ed: Gaaayy!
Ed: See? You don't need Liz to have a good time.
Shaun: Oh, don't, man.
Ed: No! Go ahead, look at me. Can I just say one more thing? I'm not gonna say, you know, there's plenty more fish in the sea. I'm not going to say if you love her, let her go. And I'm not going to bombard you with cliches. But what I will say is this...
[Chuckling]'
Ed: It's not the end of the world.
[zombie's hand beats on the door]
[Shaun has just discovered the zombies have returned and has a horrified look on his face. Dianne is going through TV channels]
Ed: Liz? Erm... Have you got a quid?
Liz: Erm... [fumbles in her pocket and finds a pound coin] Yeah. [She hands it to him and he goes to the slot machine. Dianne continues changing channels]
Liz: [to Shaun] Never anything on, is there? [notices Shaun's horrified expression] What?
Shaun: [nervously] I think we might have a bit of a problem.
Liz: What do you mean?
Shaun: [glancing at the rattling door and whispering] They followed me.
Liz: I thought you said you gave them the slip.
Shaun: Yeah...
Liz: [whispering] Well, we'll just have to be extra quiet then, won't we? [a panicked look suddenly comes over her face as she remembers Ed is using the slot machine]
Shaun: What?
[The music on the slot machine plays to signal Ed's win]
Ed: Hey! I won!
Shaun and Liz: [simultaneously] ED NO! [they run to the machine] TURN IT OFF!
[They pull the plug out of the machine, but the damage is done. The zombies converge on the windows and door]
[During a stand-off, when David tries to shoot the recently-deceased Barbara]
David: You know I'm right, Liz. She's going to come back, and she's going to kill all of us. That's what your ex can't seem to realize!
Shaun: [Tearfully] That's what this is about, isn't it? It's just he doesn't like me! He's always hated me, and now he wants to shoot my mum!
David: She's not – !
Shaun: You never thought I was good enough, that I deserved her!
David: What are you talking about?
Shaun: Oh come on! We all know you're in love with Liz!
David: [Stung] That is not true!
Shaun: Yes it is!
David: That is not true!
Dianne: Yes it is.
David: What?!
Dianne: I know that you only hung around with me in college to be close to Liz, and when she knocked you back I was there to pick up the pieces. I've come to terms with that, Daffs. Why can't you?
David: Lizzy, I want you to know that my feelings for you have always been the same for -
Liz: David, please! We have slightly more pressing matters at hand!
Shaun: You're the one who's gone from being a chartered accountant to Charlton Heston!
David: I'm not a chartered accountant!
Shaun: Well you look like one!
Ed: YEEEEAH!
David: I'm a lecturer!
Shaun: You're a twat!
Ed: YEEEEAH!
David: She's not your mum anymore! In a minute, she'll be just another zombie!
Shaun: [Tearfully] Don't say that!
Ed: [referring to a statement Shaun said earlier] We're not using the "zed" word!
Liz: [exasperated] Please can we just calm...the FUCK...DOWN! [moves the gun in David's hands so it's now pointing to the floor rather than Barbara] [Everyone relaxes from their hostile positions]
"[After Shaun kills Barbara]"
David: Well....I think we're all agreed you did the right thing there.
"[Shaun viciously turns and punches David to the floor and he cocks his gun at Shaun]"
Dianne and Liz: David, NO! David.
David: "[He leaves after he couldn't bring himself to do it]" Right, I'm leaving.
Dianne: What?
David: I'm not staying here.
Liz: David, Don't it's suicide.
Ed: "[worriedly]" I think you should go.
David: We Will. We can run, We can defend ourselves.
Dianne: "[viciously]" What do you mean We?
David: What do you mean that I mean we?
Dianne: Opening that door now would be a very very silly thing to do.
David: You're gonna stay here with him.
Dianne: Look... Shaun....
David: After where he gotten us into!.
Dianne: YOU LET ME FINISH! Shaun didn't ask you to come here you came for the same reason I did because you didn't know what else to do. Now get away with that door this instant!
David: But.....
Dianne: DAVID!.
David: I'm so sorry, Dianne.
Dianne: Maybe I'm not the one who should be apologising too.
David: Shaun, "[Shaun glares at him venomously and angrily]" I'm.........
[Phillip dies in car next to Shaun]
Shaun: [Crying] Mum, it's Phillip! He's gone!
Barbara: Where's he gone?
Shaun: Mum! He's dead!
[Barbara turns for a second behind her]
Barbara: No he isn't!
[Shaun turns to Phillip – who has become a zombie]
[Everybody except Barbara screams]
[Shaun walks into the living room and finds Ed sleeping on the sofa]
Shaun: D'you want anything from the shops?
[Ed responds with his eyes still closed]
Ed: Cornetto.
[After hearing a report on TV about the zombies]
Ed: I think we should go out there.
Shaun: But the man said stay inside!
Ed: Oh, fuck the man!
Shaun: Look, so long as they're out there, we're safe. [window breaks as the zombies start to enter the flat]
[After zombified Pete walks into the Winchester with the other zombies]
Ed: Hey Shaun, look who it is!
Shaun: Fuck-a-doodle-doo!
Last lines of film
Game console: Player two has entered the game.
[Shaun reaches out to grab the remote. Zombified Ed tries to bite Shaun's outstretched arm]
Shaun: Ed! [shows him the remote]
Zombified Ed: [groans like he's saying "Sorry about that."]

Taglines

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  • A romantic comedy. With zombies.
  • Buy milk. Call mum. Dodge zombies.
  • Bought milk. Called mom. Dodged zombies (American alternative)
  • Ever felt like you were surrounded by zombies?
  • This September, aim for the head.
  • In a time of crisis, a hero must arise... from his sofa.
  • It's just one of those days when you're feeling a little...dead.

Cast

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