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Semi-Pro

2008 film by Kent Alterman

Semi-Pro is a 2008 sports comedy film about Jackie Moon, the owner-coach-player of the American Basketball Association's Flint Michigan Tropics, who rallies his teammates to make their NBA dreams come true.

Directed by Kent Alterman. Writen by Scot Armstrong.
The Greatest Fro on Earth. (taglines)

Jackie Moon

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  • Everybody panic! Oh my God, there's a bear loose in the Coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!
  • Let's get Tropical!
  • It feels like I got cat piss in my eyes!
  • When they look back in the annals of history, people are gonna be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl.
  • GODDAMN IT, VAKIDIS, LEARN FUCKIN' ENGLISH!
  • I'm so excited, I can't even...feel my arms!
  • EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY!
  • (to Monix) I wish you were still a washing machine!
  • SUCK MY COCK, I'LL MURDER YOUR FAMILY!
  • Heaven wants us to win this game! I'LL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!
  • EVERYBODY PANIC! IT'S JUST LIKE THE TITANIC, BUT IT'S FULL OF BEARS!
  • If you see a possum, try to kill it. It's not a pet.
  • SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY!
  • Get the funk outta my face. Get. The. Funk. Outta My Face.
  • You...motherfucking cocksuckers!

Others

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  • Petrelli: How come it says "Monix" on your jersey when your name's "Pussy"?
  • Cornelius Banks: Ohhhh, I did get shot!
  • Dick Pepperfield: Jackie's teammates doing just an awful job of stabilizing his spine as they carry him off the court.
  • Alan the Commissioner: No, no, Jackie, don't bite yourself!
  • Dick Pepperfield: Here comes the Alley...and there goes the Oop!
  • Clarence Coffee Black: Who the fuck is Bambi?

Dialogue

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Lou Redwood: Well, he sat on the bench, right? I mean, if you watch a porn movie, doesn't mean you got laid.
Dick Pepperfield: No. No, in fact it often means the opposite.
Lou Redwood: You know, I might suit up tonight, Dick. Sometimes I still dream of glory.
Dick Pepperfield: [chuckles] Well, sometimes dreams can turn into nightmares, Lou.
Lou Redwood: ...What's your problem?
[Jackie is lying in a dumpster]
Ed Monix: Jackie, what are you eating?
Jackie: I think it's a pancake...
Monix: How long's that been there Jackie?
Jackie: It's been here a while...
[Lou, Jackie, Cornelius, Bobby, and Dick are playing cards]
Lou Redwood: Oh my God...what the fuck is that, it's incredible! [about the fondue he just ate]
Jackie Moon: It's called fondue.
Lou Redwood: Fon-what?
Jackie Moon: Fondue. Three different cheeses, melted together. That's what you're tasting. Gorgonzola, Munster, and cottage.
Bobby Dee: It's the latest thing from Sweden, apparently.
Dick Pepperfield: Well, I'm not surprised; those Swedes are so inventive. [others makes noises of agreement]
Bobby Dee: They are my favorite producers of pornography.
Jackie Moon: They do make an excellent fuck picture!
Dick Pepperfield: Well, I think I'll excuse myself from this conversation, right now.
Jackie Moon: To the men's room.
Dick Pepperfield: Oh, stop it.
Jackie Moon: To make your wiener sing...boner machine. [others are laughing]
Dick Pepperfield: I am not a boner machine!
Lou Redwood: Swedish porn saved my life in 'Nam. [others groan] Hey, come on, you guys. Swedish porn was the only thing that kept my mind off Charlie while I was in the shit.
Bobby Dee: Is the shit in Ann Arbor? Cause that's where you were during the war. [others laugh]
Cornelius Banks: You were never in 'Nam, you jive turkey. [laughter stops]
Lou Redwood: [coldly] Did you just call me a jive turkey? [Cornelius shakes his head]
Jackie Moon: No. No, he did not, he uh...he called you cocksucker. Right Cornelius?
Cornelius Banks: Yeah, I just called you cocksucker!
Lou Redwood: Pretty sure you called me a jive turkey.
Dick Pepperfield: No, no, now Lou, nobody called anyone a J.T.
Lou Redwood: Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!
Jackie Moon: Look. We were all here, we all heard what was said, and we're in agreement, Cornelius said cocksucker. Right?
Bobby Dee: He just said you suck cock!
Dick Pepperfield: That's all he said about you!
Jackie Moon: Come on. Dig into that fondue...little cocksucker. [others laugh]
Lou Redwood: We like playing games, don't we? [laughing]
Jackie Moon: It's true, we're playing one right now.
Lou Redwood: I'm gonna show you guys this game I learned when I was in fuckin' 'Nam! [draws a gun and points it at Cornelius] Who's the jive turkey now? [bursts out laughing] Gun's not loaded! [all laugh]
Jackie Moon: It's not loaded!
Lou Redwood: You should've seen your goddamn faces! I never load it!
Cornelius Banks: The gun was not loaded!
Jackie Moon: I'll see you fuckers in hell. [puts gun to his head and pulls trigger; all laugh]
Bobby Dee: Jackie, "Love Me Sexy" is the worst song I've ever heard. [aims at Jackie and pulls trigger]
Cornelius Banks: I did call you jive turkey. [aims gun at Lou, pulls trigger]
Dick Pepperfield: [playfully, pointing gun at Lou] I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield! [pulls trigger] Rrragh!
Lou Redwood: [laughing] We're saying nutty things 'cause they're not true...especially that, more than the rest.
Jackie Moon: Hey. Bond, James Bond. Eh? [rests gun on forearm]
Dick Pepperfield: How do you like your martinis, sir?
Jackie Moon: Stirred, in a half carafe. [aims gun at crotch and pulls trigger]
Cornelius Banks: He shoots himself!
Jackie Moon: He shoots himself in the wiener! [tosses gun down and it goes off suddenly]
Jackie: There'll be a lotta television cameras out there so we just gotta be tip top.
Clarence Coffee Black: So what's the plan?
Jackie: Brought a secret weapon. It's going to make us look extra cool on TV.
Bee Bee Ellis: What the hell is that?
Jackie: It's eyeliner, dummy! Now who's first? Monix?
Monix: Oh, yeah... Let me get a fresh Maxi-Pad outta my purse.
Monix: Vakidis, open the window, will ya?
Vakidis: Yes, right on! (does nothing)
Monix: Vakidis, did you give Bobby Dee a handjob?
Vakidis: Yes, right on!
Dick Pepperfield: Lou, would you mind putting out that cigarette, it's very unprofessional.
Lou Redwood: No, I like to smoke when I drink.
Lou Redwood: Jackie Moon is Flint's favorite son. And he has done more for this city than any human being who's ever lived on this planet!
Dick Pepperfield: With the possible exception of, uh, Henry Ford...Jackie Moon has done a lot for this city, you're right about that.
[Talking about Vakidis]
Dick Pepperfield: He scares me!
Lou Redwood: That little kid from the Jackson 5, he scares ya too.
Dick Pepperfield: Oh, mark my words, Lou, there's something very creepy about that young man.

Taglines

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  • The Greatest Fro on Earth.
  • Putting the funk into the dunk.

Cast

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Cameos

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