Sea Patrol

Sea Patrol is an Australian television drama that ran from 2007 to 2011, set on board HMAS Hammersley, a fictional patrol boat of the Royal Australian Navy (RAN). The series focuses on the ship and the lives of its crew members.

Season One (2007)

Welcome Aboard (1.01)

Kate: Buffer? Two men to stay on board.

Buffer: ET. Jaffah. Good experience for him, ma’am.

Kate: Yeah, well, four weeks is a long time in the navy, I guess.

Mike: Uh, look, Kate. I haven’t had a chance to talk with you privately since you joined us.

Kate: No.

Mike: When we last met, on the course, I never expected we’d end up on the same ship, you being a big ship sort of person and me being wedded to patrol boats.

Kate: Yes, you’re right. I am a big ship sort of person.

Mike: Well, Hammersley has only got six months left in her, so...

Kate: As for anything else that may have happened between us, I’m sure two professionals can work together. Sir?

Mike: Yes. I’m sure.

Mike: Seaman Webb?

[Spider jumps up.]

Mike: Stay where you are. How are you feeling?

Spider: Um, fine, sir.

Mike: That’s interesting. You look like death warmed up.

Spider: That’s actually how I feel, sir.

Mike: First time away from home?

Spider: Yeah.

Mike: I know how it feels. Lying in this same rack, thinking about Mum’s roast dinners.

Spider: This was once your rack, was it, sir?

Mike: Carved my initials in there somewhere. I understand you did very well today on your first boarding party.

Spider: Yeah.

Mike: Keep it up.

Spider: Thank you, sir.

Chefo: Word is you haven't been saluting the ship's mascot.

Spider: I'm supposed to salute it? Who is he?

Chefo: It's Thor - the thunder god.

Spider: Oh, my mum wouldn't like me saluting him then. We're Presbyterian.

Buffer: Don’t listen to him, Spider.

Spider: Oh, my name’s Billy. Billy Webb.

Chefo: Yeah, that’s right. Spider Webb.

Spider: No, I had that all through school. I joined the navy to get away from it all.

Buffer: Good luck with that, Spider.

Buffer: Spider, take these smokes. Don’t give them back to me no matter what I say.

Chefo: You giving up again are you, Buffer?

Buffer: Looks that way, Chefo.

Chefo: Sorry, Galley's closed. I'm off to save the world!

Mike: What’s happening, Buffer?

Buffer: They’re still looking for a tube, sir.

Mike: [Looks thoughtful.] Tell X she’s got a pistol. Use it.

Buffer: You want him to shoot her?

Mike: Tell X to break down her Browning, remove the 9-millimetre barrel, use it as a tube. Over.

Buffer: Got it.

Mike: [Chuckles.] Shoot her.

Nav: Well, that’s one way of ending a crisis.

Jaffah: Where the hell’s Hammersley?

ET: They might have forgotten about you, Jaff. But there’s no way they’re not coming back for me.

Jaffah: You reckon the X and Nav both want your body, don’t you?

ET: Oh, that’d be the natural order of things, yeah.

Mike: [Yelling down the stairwell.] RO!

RO: [Appearing around the corner.] There’s such a thing as a pipe sir.

Mike: Keep trying to raise ET and Jaffah.

RO: As I was doing when you shouted, sir.

Jaffah: It’s freezing.

ET: No it’s not. We’re too close to the equator.

Jaffah: Do we have any sharks in these waters?

ET: No. The saltwater crocodiles scare ‘em away.

Jaffah: Crocodiles?

ET: I’m joking.

Buffer: You got my smokes?

Spider: Eh?

Buffer: My smokes. You got ‘em?

Spider: You said not to given them to you.

Buffer: That was then, this is now.

Spider: Yeah, but you said even if you asked.

Buffer: Spider, I’m a gentle man. Don’t tempt me to violence.

Spider: I can’t. I swapped ‘em for some crabs.

Buffer: You what?

Spider: I told you on the island, I met those fishermen.

Buffer: And you gave them my smokes?

Spider: Yeah, it was a pretty good deal. [Buffer looks at him.] Sorry, sir.

Buffer: Don’t call me ‘sir’, I work for a living.

Spider: Sorry, Buffer. [Pause.] What happens if we don’t find them? (ET and Jaffah.)

Buffer: We’ll find them.

Spider: Yeah, but what if we don’t?

Buffer: We keep looking.

Spider: How long do we keep looking?

Buffer: Until we find them.

[Buffer is tapping on his legs, irritating everyone.]

Chefo: You know, I’m all for giving up the smokes, Buff. But on the other hand... maybe you should start again.

Spider: Buff, I’ve got some chewy here.

Buffer: Give it here.

Chefo: So, ET, who set the FFV alight? You or Jaff?

ET: Jaff.

Chefo: Yeah, that figures. I picked him for an arsonist the moment he came on board.

Mike: But I think we can put that other thing behind us.

Kate: Other thing? Yeah, that’s what I’d call it. “Other thing.”

Mike: You’ve been on Hammersley now...?

Kate: 48 hours, sir.

Mike: Welcome aboard.

What Lies Beneath (1.02)

Mike: Enjoying yourself, X?

Kate: Driving a patrol boat is very different to a frigate.

Nav: Ha! Yeah, different as! Like a V8 and a schoolbus.

Mike: You’re a westie petrolhead, Nav.

[When ET dives to check what’s under the Hammersley.]

Alicia: The gunner is there because...?

Kate: In case of sharks.

Buffer: Oh, I wouldn’t concern yourself, ma’am. No self respecting shark would eat him.

Nav: But if one just snacked on him a little, might do the women of the world a favour.

Mike: Nav, mark the buoy’s position on radar.

Nav: It’s already marked, sir.

Mike: Just once I’d like to get in ahead of you,

Nav: [Laughs.] In your dreams, sir.

Kate: She strikes me as the sort of woman who relates better to men then to other women.

Mike: That’s a crime now?

Kate: She looks for the alpha male and she concentrates on him and everyone else is invisible.

Mike: I’m the alpha male?

Kate: [Chuckles.] Oh, and don’t you know it.

Mike: [About Kate.] Good officer. She’ll make a good CO one day. Still has some things to learn, of course.

Steve: Well, that’s why the brass in Canberra posted her to you.

Mike: I thought it might be to teach me a few things.

Steve: Well, maybe somebody thought you could use a bit of system management and Lieutenant McGregor could use a bit of pirate.

Mike: I see.

Steve: Look, nothing personal, Mike, but if you want to dabble in these grey areas, don’t be surprised if Canberra sends a bit of black and white

Spider: I mean, how cool is that? I fully thought the dude’s brother was dead as well. You know, she was very, very convincing.

Buffer: So that’s how she got him to give up the drug bosses?

Spider: Yeah, but it was cooler than that. I mean, like, when he went for her, she fully did this combat action stuff and just got him down, handcuffed him straight away. It was amazing.

[Buffer just stares at him.]

Chefo: Wow, sit sounds like the X has a fan.

Spider: No, she just could’ve saved our lives, that’s all.

Chefo: It’s alright, Spider. I remember my first crush too.

Spider: I don’t like her, Chefo.

Chefo: It’s only natural. She’s a woman, and you’ll be a man one day.

Spider: Chefo, I don’t like her.

Chefo: It’s not what the evidence points to, Spide.

Spider: [Leaving.] You suck.

Buffer: Hey, Spide.

Spider: What?

Buffer: You did well out there.

Spider: Thanks. [To Chefo.] You suck.

Mike: And he’s under the impression that you’re Wonder Woman.

Kate: Oh, you didn’t already know that?

Ghost of Things Past (1.03)

Spider: I think it's a ghost ship.

Buffer: It's a catamaran, you idiot.

RO: A man goes yachting to get away from his wife. Well, if he’s gonna call her every day, he might as well stay at home. (Leaves.)

Nav: Future Mrs Robert Dixon’s gonna be one lucky girl.

[Mike chuckles.]

Kate: Sir, four elephants and a giraffe could’ve gone over in that storm, we’d never know.

Mike: I think we can safely not bother looking for any elephants. The giraffe on the other hand…

Mike: [Observing Bright Island.] Feds?

Buffer: Looks like it, sir.

Mike: I dropped off two agents, but I can see another six. What the hell are they doing?

Buffer: Breeding, sir?

Mike: What do you do when a federal agent tell you not to worry, Buff?

Buffer: [Chuckles.] Worry like hell, sir.

Chefo: Hey, guys, guys what Spider’s just done.

Buffer: Chefo, as you can see, we’re playing a game here, and every time you interrupt, I lose concentration and Swaino wins.

Chefo: I’m sorry, Buff. You’re gonna want to hear this. You remember the blood you found on the catamaran?

Swain: Spider found it, yeah.

Chefo: Yeah. Well, it was evidence, and Spider, the tool, just cleaned it up.

Swain: He what?

Chefo: Yeah. X is fuming. Apparently it was the only thing to prove Jackson’s lying.

Buffer: Good one, Spider.

Swain: Mate, glad he’s in your division. It’s gonna be messy.

Chefo: I’d better go. Don’t want to miss the fun.

Swain: I win, by the way.

Buffer: I’m gonna kill Chefo.

Irukandji (1.04)

[After Mike tackles Chefo to the ground in a game of rugby.]

Chefo: I thought we were playing touch!

Mike: Yeah, we are. You’re touched.

[Spider and Kate are talking about Jaffa after he's been stung.]

Spider: They're going to be ok aren't they? Right? X?

Kate: I don't know Spider, I'm not a doctor.

Spider: But it's just a jellyfish sting.

Kate: Well, severe Irukandji syndrome can be fatal. I've got to get back to the bridge. If there is any change in his condition get Swain immediately. Understood?

Spider: Yes Sir... [Kate gives him a look.] Um, ma'am.

Jaffah: Hey, Buff. What’s your favourite Star Wars quote?

Buffer: What?

Spider: Jaffah’s specialty subject.

Buffer: [Opens a cupboard. Mutters.] Where the hell...?

Jaffah: Chewbacca. Am I right?

Kate: You seem like a discerning kind of guy.

RO: Oh, thank you, ma’am. I like to think so.

Kate: Hmm. I’m curious. Have you ever had any restaurant experience?

RO: [Smugly.] I did happen to work for a couple of months in a Darlinghurst cafe.

Kate: Oh! That’s perfect.

RO: Why?

Kate: You’ve just volunteered for galley duty. I want you to prepare dinner for the crew. Nothing too elaborate

RO: It’s disgusting in there!

Kate: And don’t forget our guests.

RO: Three months working in a cafe in Darlinghurst doesn’t qualify me to feed these morons.

[After a severe reaction to Irukandji, Cheofo wakes up.]

Swain: Toby? Toby, what’s wrong, mate? [Chefo opens his eyes.] Tobes?

Chefo: [Sniffs.] Who’s in my galley?

[Mike's letter to Jaffah's parents after his death.]

Dear Mr and Mrs Jaffah. It is with great sadness that I write to you as Seaman John Jaffah’s commanding officer. Words cannot lessen your grief. I hope it comes as some small comfort to know your son was a fine young man and a fine sailor. His sense of humour, his devotion to duty and his loyalty to his friends made him an asset to the navy and, in particular, to the HMAS Hammersley. He will be greatly missed by all who had the honour and privilege to serve with him and he will never be forgotten. Again, I offer you my most heartfelt condolences. May the Force be with Jaffah. Yours sincerely, Mike Flynn.

Under The Radar (1.05)

Kate: [Watching Mike go to Bright Island.] Now I know why he wanted to go himself.

Nav: Hmm? [Looks through her binoculars. It’s Ursula Morrell.] Oh, he knew it was her all along. Naughty Mike.

[During an awkward silence.]

Nav: Chefo’s excelled himself tonight. The scran’s really good.

Ursula: Scran?

Nav: Uh...

Mike: [Interrupting.] Stuff.

Nav: Stuff Cooked by the Royal Australian Navy.

Ursula: I see.

Kate: Don’t let that put you off.

Mike: X, aren’t you officer of the watch this evening?

Kate: Yes. I’m sorry, sir. I was enjoying myself so much, I almost forgot I had somewhere else to be. Please excuse me.

Ursula: She’s a bit lemon-lipped, isn’t she?

Mike: Please don’t take it personally. The XO hates to see an ice boat get away. She’s extremely dedicated.

[Nav grins a little.]

Charge: [Snatching the ultrasound.] Gimme. [Rotates it a few times.] Where’s the nipper?

Swain: [Pointing.] There. Head, arm, leg, ten cute little toes.

Charge: Looks like a frog.

Swain: It’s not a frog! It’s my gorgeous baby!

Charge: Which explains why it looks like a frog.

[Kate, ET and Spider are dressed up to go undercover.]

Nav: Oh, you look fabulous!

Kate: I would like to thank my personal stylist, Lieutenant Commander Mike Flynn, for the loan of his very favourite fishing shirt.

Mike: Black eye adds a degree of authenticity to the ensemble. Don’t you think?

[Nav laughs at ET.]

ET: Ease off, Nav. I didn’t volunteer for this gig.

Mike: No, you're there because you failed to keep an eye on David.

Spider: Yeah, believe me, ET. No one volunteered for this gig.

[Nav keeps laughing.]

Precious Cargo (1.06)

[The crew are picking fish up off the deck after a storm.]

ET: [Grabs a fish Buffer had picked up.] Oh! Buffer! You kiss me! Kiss me!

Buffer: Unlike some of us, ET, I’ve got standards.

Chefo: I reckon that Buffer’s a one-fish kind of guy.

Buffer: Righto, you lot! I want these uppers clear for a freshwater washdown! Spider, you’re in charge!

Spider: Yes, Buff!

[They continue to throw fish over the side.]

Spider: That storm in the night sure made a mess. You ever seen it blow as big, ET?

ET: Mate, I slept like a baby. Didn’t feel a thing. Don't know what you’re talking about.

Spider: You're pulling my chain, right? The waves were massive. They were at least 20 metres.

[ET laughs.]

Chefo: 20 metres, hey, Spide? You sure you weren’t asleep too?

[RO is collecting fish from the top of the mast.]

RO: Squid for breakfast! [He throws a squid down.] Looks like we did some illegal fishing in that storm.

Spider: [Laughs.] You were saying?

RO: I believe you, Spider. How else did we get all this seafood up here?

Mike: We’ll need to record the container’s serial number before we decide what to do with it. Who’s up for a recce? It’ll mean one of you in the drink.

[ET points at RO, who frowns. They play a quick game of paper-scissors-rock, ET throws scissors, RO throws paper.]

Mike: Suit up, RO. [Ro brushes past him.] He always goes paper.

Nav: Roger Romeo2, we might have to sink it. Over.

ET: Wow, what about the Maritime salvaging rights, there might be a ferrari in this thing.

Nav: And who's gonna drive it back to base, Romeo? You?

Chefo: Alright. I’m taking bets to see how many rounds it’ll take. My money’s on a single shot.

Spider: One shot for me.

Chefo: Trust the Spider.

Nav: I vote for three. I think you boys might miss the first couple.

Chefo: Whoo. Nav doesn’t think much of our gunnery skills.

Mike: Let’s focus on the job at hand.

Nav: Sorry, boss.

Mike: If the navy permitted a wager... I’d bet on two rounds of the 50-cal.

Buffer: I’m with you, sir.

Fisherman: Hey Spider, is that you, mate? How are you going? How are those crabs we gave you?

[There is an awkward pause. Chefo sniggering in background.]

Spider: [Defensively.] They're talking about seafood. They gave me some crabs on Bright Island!

[Whole Crew laughs.]

Spider: Chefo, tell them about the crabs in the freezer.

Chefo: I don't know what you're talking about, mate.

Swain: You did a terrible job wrapping this, mate!

RO: Well, I only had one arm!

Kate: [About Robert Dixon] For a communicator he's strangely uncommunicative.

Rescue Me (1.07)

[While Clair is talking.]

Spider: Do you know what she’s talking about, Buff?

Buffer: [Behind his hand.] I have no idea, but I sure do like the cut of her jib.

Mike: What have we got, Chefo?

Chefo: The usual, boss. Plus Spider’s famous Bright Island crabs in hoisin sauce and calamari marinated in garlic and ginger.

Spider: Yeah, try the crabs, sir. The calamari’s not half bad either. Where’d you get it, Chefo?

Chefo: You remember the one we caught up our mast. :[Winks at Mike.]

[Spider goes to spit out the squid.]

Mike: Think I’ll have a snag.

Clair[talking about Hammersley] It's really old!

Nav: Present company excluded.

Mike: Charming Nav.

Clair: Thank you! Thank you for everything!

[All the guys shout farewells.]

Kate: [With a wave.] Crash into a reef.

Nav: [Also waving.] Get eaten by a shark.

Smith: What are you girls up to?

Nav: Nothing.

Kate: [At the same time.] Web check.

[They look at each other.]

Kate: Nothing.

Nav: [At the same time.] Web Check.

Kate: Hello, sailors. How are you both feeling?

Spider: Oh, much better, thank you, ma’am.

Buffer: X, I am so hungry, I could eat the sleep out of a cow’s eye.

ET: Well, that’s good, mate, ‘cause I think Chefo just ordered for you.

Chefo: That’s right. I’ve got crabs if you boys want ‘em. That’s not what I meant. That is... I’m out of here.

Nav: I reckon they'd call it the rescue complex.

ET: So what, you're saying she needed to be rescued?

Nav: The rescue complex refers to the one doing the rescuing. You seemed pretty keen to wanna rescue her. [ET tries to speak] Glad she didn't shoot you though. Well, maybe glad is to strong a word.

Through the Storm (1.08)

Spider: [On a tape of Chefo’s engagement drinks, pretending to be the X.] Chefo, you big spunk. I’m spewing you’re engaged. Because you’re a very, very able seaman.

Chefo: Thanks for noticing, X!

Spider: If I wasn’t such a... ice queen who only cares about her career I reckon... I might have babies with you.

Boy: Why do you hate Spider?

Kate: Because he has been a very naughty boy.

Nav: Think like a little boy again.

ET: I never stopped.

Spider: Ma'am. Does this make us square now?

Kate: Not quite Spider. Not quite.

Under the Hammer (1.09)

Spider: How are we gonna get him back?

Buffer: Sir will just ask nice and polite and they’ll send him over on a line.

Chefo: And if Spicy Donger says no, we storm the boat and tear their heads off.

Spider: Buff, look.

Buffer: They’ve got him in hotpants.

Chefo: They’ll pay. Oh, they’ll pay big time.

Charge: Might have to shut down a few systems. We’ll start with the sewerage. Anyone who needs to go, go now.

Damage Control (1.10)

ET: My ex-girlfriend is pregnant. I only just found out about it. We'd been broken up for ages but we bumped into each other a couple of months ago

Nav: You obviously did more than bump into her.

Spider: My Mum always said I had big ears

ET: I don't think that was a compliment, Spider...

ET: Don’t know about you, boss, but I’m starting to feel like someone’s appetiser.

Mike: Come on, ET. You’re a main course at least.

ET: Hey, Charge. Charge! Look at this. This is our own pirate.

Charge: Arr, ahoy there, me hearties. I’ll be eating your liver with a spoon.

Girl: Nup.

Boy: You’re not as good as Jack Sparrow,.

ET: Not at all.

'[[Nav shakes her head.]

Charge: Well, did my best. Tough crowd.

Chinese Whispers (1.11)

Swain: [Holding an ultrasound picture.] Hey, what do you reckon?

Buffer: Definitely looks like a peanut, Swaino.

Deep Water (1.12)

Nav: Ursula Morrell, hey? She’s got a hell of a lot to answer for.

Kate: He doesn’t think she’s involved.

Nav: Yes, well, I wonder which part of his anatomy is making that judgement.

Chefo: I'm only going to give this advice once. Do not throw up in your mask.

ET: Hey, Ro, any news on Swaino’s missus?

RO: Yeah. Yeah, I got an email about 20 minutes ago. [Walks off.]

ET & Nav: [Calling after him.] And?

Cometh the Hour (1.13)

Buffer: Misty found my conversation inspiring.

Swain: Misty? [He grabs the piece of paper Buffer is holding.] Misty was that blonde you were talking to at the bar last night?

Charge: Name like ‘Misty’, she’s either a stripper or a whale-watcher.

Swain: Or both.

Charge: Possibly both.

Buffer: Hey, hey, I finally get a woman interested and I’m gonna die inhaling some deadly toxin.

Charge: Toxin, perfume – same result.

Buffer: Yeah, I’d like to see how these guys handle this toxin when I feed it to them.

Swain: Oh, gentlemen, company.

[They all stand up when Martina Royce enters.]

Martina: Uh, hi. I agree with you completely. [Sticking out her hand.] Martina.

Buffer: Buffer. Peter.

Charge: [Clears his throat.] You’ll have to excuse us, Martina. Peter’s watch is about to start, and I need to give my boys some information.

Martina: Understood. We’re relying on you boys to find this ship.

Swain: Oh, ma’am, if anyone can sniff it out, it’s the CO.

Martina: [Picking up Buffer’s email.] Oh, uh, I look forward to hearing some of your inspiring conversation.

Buffer: Ma’am.

Swain: Must be your pheromones, mate.

Buffer: What?

Swain: Exactly.

Martina: I never seem to be home.

Kate: What does your boyfriend think of that?

Martina: Hates it. Won’t sleep with me the first three nights back. Demands expensive sashimi. [Kate looks at her.] He’s a Siamese.

Buffer: Nice of you to join us, Spider. Hurry up and get your antiflash gear on. Chefo can’t operate that 50-cal in his own.

Spider: Sorry, Buff!

Chefo: You heard the man! Smurf up!

Buffer: Ma’am.

Martina: Just wanted to thank you for looking after me.

Buffer: Well, you didn’t need much looking after, ma’am. You handled those seas like a veteran.

Martina: Well, um, thanks, anyway.

Buffer: No trouble.

Martina: Well, take care.

Buffer: Yeah, you too.

[They shake hands. Martina walks past him.]

Buffer: Ma’am? [She stops.] Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Martina: Yeah, that would be great. Um, how about Wednesday?

Buffer: Wednesday’s good.

Martina: Great, well, I’ll give you my card.

Buffer: Thank you. May I escort you off the ship?

Martina: Sure.

Mike: I’ll come to the hospital tonight, soon as I get this sorted.

Kate: There’s no need. You heard – it’s a superficial wound. I need to get sleep. You’ll be otherwise engaged anyway.

Mike: Then I’ll see you tomorrow.

[Kate walks past him onto the pier.]

Kate: Milk chocolate. Not dark.

Mike: There is nothing I value more than honesty, courage and a good throat ripping debate

Season Two (2008)

The Dogs of War (2.01)

Nav: ET's being posted with us?

Mike: Good to have the old gang back together, wouldn't you say?

[ET is driven over from HMAS Melbourne in a RHIB.]

Charge: Wooh-hoo-hoo! It's the creature from the deep.

ET: I heard you fellas couldn't deal without me.

Buffer: Yeah right.

Swain: It's good to see you again mate.

ET: It's good to be here.

ET: Charge, they let you up here too, do they?

Charge: Ooh, yeah. Condition was I cleaned up my jokes. And my calendars.

ET: [Checking out the calendar.] What is she wearing?

Charge: I dunno. I believe it’s called a ‘bikini top’.

Kate: Now, I thought I told you to confine her to your cabin.

Charge: I don’t know how she got back up here, ma’am.

Bomber: Everyone, you’re on notice. You bring your dirty mugs down to the galley when you’ve finished with them. Otherwise, next time, you can be drinking out of cardboard.

Kate: Consider yourselves told.

Mike: We'll let RO give them the good news.

RO: [Sarcastically.] Thank you sir.

Fortune Favours (2.02)

[During a training exercise – weapons are the gash - old food waste.]

Spider: Ma’am. Put down the weapon. I mean it ma’am. Put the weapon down.

[Bomber drops the broccoli.]

Spider: Now, step away from the cauliflower.

Buffer: It’s a broccoli, you idiot.

Buffer: I thought the Charge was stabbed. Did he hit his head as well?

Kate: He's doing Tai Chi.

Buffer: Yeah, yeah, and if it was you, I wouldn't be asking. But it's the Charge!

RO: Listen! Look, we're all running away from something. You're ahead. At least you know what you're running from.

Take Down (2.03)

Nikki: You could restore power to the bridge.

Zan: In my shoes, would you?

Nikki: I would never be in your shoes.

Mike: Here’s Plan A, and there is no Plan B so this better work.

Heaven Born Captains (2.04)

Charge: What is that?

Bomber: Croque monsier.

Charge: Crocca what?

Bomber: Ham and cheese toasted sangers.

Charge: Oh, alright.

Buffer: It's a great to hear your voice, sir. Any advice would be highly appreciated.

Mike: Buffer, it's a time for a Graunch boarding.

Kate: [To Swain.] Tell me he didn't say "Graunch"!

Swain: I think he did, ma'am.

[Kate lets out a frustrated sigh.]

Buffer: Sir, you are a mad man. It's a pleasure to serve under you. Wish us luck. Over.

Giving Up The Dead (2.05)

Charge: Not quiche again.

Bomber: Charge, this is real man’s quiche – bacon, sausage, barbeque sauce, splash of Tabasco. Put whickers on your whiskers. Or in Spider’s case, it may bring on puberty.

Spider: I’ll have you know I shave every day.

ET: Legs and bikini line don’t count, mate.

Bomber: It’ll put hair on your chest, then.

Spider: I’ve got hair on my chest, okay? Just like yours.

Kate: [Under the effects of rohypnol.] I don’t agree with extramarital soy sauce.

Mike: Right. Yeah, well, um... I’ll let you sleep it off.

Kate: [Mumbling.] You’re a beautiful man, Mike Flynn. Just beautiful.

Mike: Okay. Thank you.

Kate: [Under the effects of rohypnol.] Why did you leave?

Birds (2.06)

Mike: Nav, what’s your take on this Campbell Fulton guy?

Nav: Uh, he’s a Marine Protection guy, sir.

Mike: Yeah, I know that, but is he a bit of a loose cannon?

Nav:He’s a Marine Protection guy, sir.

Mike: Enough said.

ET: Man, this smell’s knocking me out.

Buffer: It smells ‘a-trochus’.

ET:Mate, that joke’s ‘a-trochus’.

Kate: What I need is a card that says 'Why is there a man in a barrel?'

Buffer: Can't help you there.

Buffer: [Attempting to talk to the fishermen.] Man, in barrel? Man, down there in barrel? Why?

[Bomber snorts.]

Buffer: [Pointing at Bomber.] Shut up!

Bomber: Sorry Buff.

Nav: Haven't you had enough action for one day?

ET: Nah never, just ahh, I think I pulled a muscle boarding that FFV I thought I might stretch it out.

Nav: Oh no I know what you're doing, trying to drive me crazy.

ET: Is it working?

Nav: No, it's having absolutely no effect whatsoever.

ET: Oh, well I guess I'm safe just to keep doing it then.

Nav: Just don't blame me if I can't think about anything else.

Nav: He kissed me.

Kate: He kissed you by accident?

Kate: I'm aware that you and ET have feelings for each other. Now I don't want to hear about that because I know that nothing would ever happen on the ship. You are too mature and professional for that to happen.

Nav: Thank you.

ET: [When he's just been told his leg will be amputated.] At least we'll always get a car space.

Swain: You don't have Bird Flu, Spider.

Spider: What, are you a pathologist? They were on the Hammersley for a very long time.

Charge: We're disinfected.

Spider: Charge, those germs can live for a very long time.

Charge: What, are you a pathologist?

RO: At least you didn't contract bird flu.

Hidden Agendas (2.07)

Mike: You didn't tell me where you were going?

Kate: I didn't know.

Mike: Not very professional.

Kate: Sir we're heading home, we don't need another debriefing.

Mike: It's not a debriefing.

Kate: It sounds like one.

Mike: Well, can't I be concerned?

Kate: Yeah sure, just don't make it sound like a debriefing.

Heart Of Glass (2.08)

Nav: And I think that's my pillow calling...

Buffer: Call the hands, call the hands, wakey, wakey, wakey.

Nav: I guess that's not my pillow calling after all.

Buffer: Sorry Ma'am.

ET: It's a choice of fruit salad or fruit salad.

Charge: No way.

Swain: I would steer clear if I was you though mate, this stuff with soften your arteries.

Charge: [Sarcastic laugh.] Where is the cook?

Nav: That looks like horse...

Kate: Don't say that.

Nav: Well okay, it looks like the product of a horse that ate some birthday candles.

Kate: With these things it's the thought that counts.

Nav: Well at least it will taste good.

Kate: Well actually it's just a bit frozen.

Nav: How long has it been out?

Kate: About 45 mins.

Nav: You should have taken it out last night.

Kate: Yeah I know, thanks for that.

Charge: She’s not here, it’s just fruit and salad.

RO: Good. Need you all in the junior sailors’ mess.

ET: Is there a problem?

RO: No, we’re gonna sing ‘Happy Birthday’.

Swain: He’s getting weirder.

Shadow Line (2.09)

[The crew on the Bridge are staring at the EOD watching Spider kiss Carly Walsman on Ray Walsman's yacht.]

Nav and Charge: Oh oh oooooo ooh wow wooow!

Charge: Oh recording recording!

Nav: Spider hasn't got a chance against her.

RO: Guys, some of us are trying to work here.

Nav: RO, shoosh.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate: Ahh, have we found something of interest on the EOD?

Charge: No, just perving on the cruiser.

Kate: What's Webb done with his life jacket?

Charge: Ummm well he.....

Nav: You know Spider, he's just...Spider.

Kate: Right

Mike: It’s just about being at sea.

Kate: Yeah, skippering a giant plastic bath toy.

Mike: You sound upset, X. Could it be that you’d miss me?

Kate: I just think that… it would be a terrible waste for the navy.

Mike: Well, I’m sure the navy would appreciate your concern. [Pause.] If I wasn’t in the navy it would open up certain other possibilities.

[Kate looks away silently.]

Nav: We already had intelligence that you were in the galley.

Mike: No doubt they told you I was making a mess.

Nav: No comment boss

Rules Of Engagement (2.10)

Mike: What do you know about these Buffer?

Buffer: They go bang. You don't wanna be around when they do.

Mike: Just stay calm Spider. We'll have you out of here as soon as we can.

Spider: Pretty calm sir, just a bit uncomfortable.

Buffer: How do you expect me to find you a pillow out here mate?

[After ET and Buffer refuse to leave Spider and Mike.]

Mike: Alright, but if we all get blown up, you two are on bilge scrubbing duties for a month.

Mike: Who's got the machetes?

ET: We're navy sir.

A Brilliant Career (2.11)

Bomber: He’s supposed to be a hell of a captain.

RO: Yeah. He’s a golf nut.

ET: I hear golf balls aren’t the only thing he whacks with his putter... Junior sailors

Bomber: No!

ET: Oh, I’m serious.

Fisherman: Didn't know there was another boat within cooee.

Buffer: [Pointing to Hammersley.] Pretty hard to miss.

Swain: That's one hell of a bullet wound.

Freeman: He doesn't appear to have been in the water long.

Swain: You think he was thrown out of that prawn trawler?

Freeman: Oh well, unless he fell from space.

Friends Close, Enemies Closer (2.12)

Soldiers of Fortune (2.13)

Charge: Sweet music to my ears.

Buffer: That's the sound of you snoring big fellow.

Charge: I don't snore.

Season Three (2009)

Catch and Release (3.01)

Spider: [Carrying a box of exotic fish.] X, they've got the whole cast of Finding Nemo down there!

Mike: How do we frame our grief? How do we make sense of a life taken away so early? These are the things we will ponder for years to come and there are no easy answers. What is clear, though, is the way ET lived his life. He represented the finest values of the Royal Australian Navy. He believed passionately. He was loyal to his crew, and he never sharped his duty. He was courageous, diligent, and his sense of humour could defuse even the most difficult situation. He was a son, he was a brother, he was a friend, and he... he was a member of my crew. We will miss him.

Navy Chaplain: I now commit Leading Seaman Joshua Holiday to the sea, may his soul rest in peace.

Buffer: General salute, present, arms!

[Last Post plays in background.]

Buffer: Present! Fire! Fire! Fire!

[While guns are firing, ET's ashes are poured out and into the wind, then Charge tosses a wreath into the ocean.]

Nav: [Under her breath.] Goodbye.

Monkey Business (3.02)

[Buffer comes outside after villagers throw vodka bottles at ship deck.]

Buffer: Oi, what do you think you're doing? Turn round and walk away mate! Oh, you want me to come down there?

Mike: What do you think of our new Electronics Tech?

Nav: Up himself and unprofessional.

Kate: It's early days.

[Kate opens hatch in roof.]

2Dads: My God, it's a monkey! How'd he get here?

Kate: I don't know, but he seems to know you.

Charge: Has anyone seen my watch?

[Spider taps on the watch Charge is wearing.]

Charge: No, the gold watch, you panda.

China Dolls (3.03)

Spider: Excuse me X.

Kate: Mmm?

Spider: Um, I thought you might like one of these. [Hands her a picture of the guys with the baby.]

Kate: Oh, that’s very nice. Where did you get it from?

Spider: 2 Dads made the border and RO printed them up.

Kate: That’s generous of RO. He’s usually very tight with his time.

Spider: Oh, no, he was tight. I had to pay for them

Kate: [Turns to Mike.] Oh, you really are gonna have to have a talk to him.

Mike: Do I have to?

Guns(3.04)

Kershaw: I think they're still talking about this guy at ADFA

Mike: Must have been that whoopy cushion I put under the Admiral's seat at graduation parade. [To Charge.] You didn't hear that.

2 Dads: [To Mike.] Pick a card. Any card. Not that one.

Ghost Net(3.05)

Kate: Where is Spider?

RO: He's down the back trying to break the language barrier with the boy ma'am.

Kate: Ah, how's he going?

RO: Well I wouldn't want him on my team for pictionary.

Oh Danny Boy (3.06)

Buffer: No mate of mine is getting a tattoo of flipper!

[RO drives a golf buggy into a lake while drunk. He gets out.]

RO: It’s okay. Robert Dixon. Radio operator. Royal Australian Navy. [He falls back into the lake.]

[Spider, 2Dads and Buffer doing inventory of stocks being brought aboard the ship.]

Spider: One box of paper towels.

Buffer: One paper towel. [Checking the list against his list.]

[Spider and Buffer look at Robert approaching them. He was dropped off by the police after a drunken misdemeanor.]

Buffer: One drunk sailor. [Referring to Robert coming aboard the ship.]

[Spider and Buffer grin at RO who glares back at them.]

2Dads: I thought you two would have something in common!

RO: Yeah, a certain part of our anatomy!

Half Life (3.07)

Red Sky Morning (3.08)

Kate 'XO': If this ends up on Facebook I will never speak to you again.

Swain: Now, we’ll flush that out with a bit of diluted hydrogen peroxide.

Spider: Is there some reason you’re making Bomber do all this?

Swain: It’s good training.

Spider: Or are you just scared to touch my leg, Swaino?

Swain: It’s a very nice leg, Spider, but I don’t wanna touch it. Besides, it’s much more fun watching you go through it. And finally, the antiseptic ointment.

Bomber: That stuff really stings.

Swain: Oh yeah. (Passes it to Bomber.)

Bomber: With pleasure.

Pearls before Swine (3.09)

Mike: There are certain rumours going around the ship.

2Dads: Sir, the rumours are true. Charge is really a woman.

Safeguard (3.10)

[Charge in bar, goes towards his son - who is a midshipman.]

Charge: Jamie, could we have a word?

Jamie: That's 'Sir' to you, Sailor.

[Jamie turns back to his friends.]

Secret Cargo (3.11)

Spider: [Pulls a pair of undies out of Bomber’s bag.] Oh... they’re not mine.

Kate: Spider! [Snatches them back and stuffs them back in the bag.]

2 Dads: I’m drunk. I’m way too drunk.

Buffer: You got a drinking problem, that’s why.

2 Dads: I love you. [Tries to kiss Buffer’s cheek.]

Buffer: Uncomfortable, mate.

2 Dads: If you were a woman, you’d be really ugly.

Buffer: If you were a woman, you’d look like a bulldog eating porridge.

2 Dads: I hate porridge. [Arrive on the Hammersley.] I’m gonna have a slash.

Buffer: Yeah. I’ll go announce our arrival. Honey, I’m home.

Bomber: Hey, Buff. Have a good night?

Buffer: Oh... oh yeah. A few too many.

Mike: You two alright?

2 Dads: Yeah.

Buffer: Yeah, boss.

2 Dads: Never better, boss. We just, uh, wanted to thank RO for saving my life and... oh, and Buffer’s.

Mike: You drunk, 2 Dads?

2 Dads: ... Yes sir. As a newt, sir.

Buffer: Me too, boss. Still handle myself though.

Mike: Get below, sleep it off.

Buffer: Righto. The ship’s safe. Buffer’s here!

Black Gold (3.12)

Red Reef (3.13)

Mike: You know something, X?

Kate: What?

Mike: You scrub up alright.

Kate: Oh, thanks. Though the crude oil’s not that great for the hairdo.

Season Four (2010)

Night of the Long Knives (4.01)

Mike: How’d you go at the hospital?

Swain: Ah, the CT scan came back clear. Looks like it’s just a few bruised ribs.

Mike: You know what that means.

Kate: My own personal masseuse. You offering?

Mike: Light duties.

RO: I ran that check that you requested on the MV Trader Star, the vessel you just boarded.

Mike: Not now RO.

RO: I really think you should look at the piece of paper I just handed you, Sir.

Kate: How many times can you turn down promotion without it reflecting poorly on you?

Mike: You’d have me off this boat, would you X?

Kate: Well, shore posting does have its advantages.

[Mike just grins.]

Charge: Ah, salmon vol a vaunts, number five on my list of all time favourite horses doovers.

RO: Fascinating. What’s your number one?

Charge: Pig in a blanket.

Bird: X, I know all about the ‘no snogging your shipmates’ rule, but there is no rule that says you can’t check them out.

Kate: No, no, there is no law against that.

RO: Does anybody... oh, sorry. Can anyone tell me where the gents is?

Swain: Bathroom.

Charge: How many of those have you had?

RO: Two? Three? I just, um... they’re very nice.

Swain: Ah, no, mate, I haven’t spotted the head yet. Might want to try downstairs, though.

RO: Thank you.

Swain: Ah, Robert?

RO: Mmm?

Swain: Stay away from golf buggies.

Charge: And the transsexuals.

[A scene later, he gets attacked and shoved down a flight of stairs.]

Maxine: You can’t sit in a CO’s chair forever.

Mike: I wasn’t thinking forever, just the next year or three.

Bird: I flop.

[RO laughs.]

2 Dads: You mean you fold.

RO: :[To Bomber.] I just spat on you!

Bird: Whatever, I don’t get this game.

Bomber: :[To RO.] That’s disgusting!

2 Dads: What would you prefer to play, Bird? Go Fish?

Bird: Hey, don’t knock it, I’m actually pretty good at that one.

Crocodile Tears (4.02)

Mike: Well, I guess we’ll see each other once you’ve nabbed those poachers.

Kate: Yes, we will.

[2 Dads is showing a croc egg to Bird.]

RO: He wants you to cook it.

2 Dads: Don’t listen to him, he’s inhumane.

Maxine: What do you make of all this, Mike?

Mike: I tend to agree. It doesn’t sound like my crew. The Hammersley crew.

Maxine: Is that separation anxiety speaking?

Mike: Maybe just a bit.

Kate: It’s good to see you.

Mike: We still on for tonight?

Kate: Tonight? Absolutely.

Kate: 2 Dads, I can’t think of anyone on the ship dumber than you are, but clearly there is someone.

Dutchy: So, who do you think he’s protecting?

Bomber: He fancies Bird. Was it you?

Bird: No.

Charge: No, Bird was cleaning ovens all night, Bomber.

Bomber: Not all night, Charge.

Swain: Bomb, she didn’t leave the ship.

Dutchy: Where were you, Bomber?

Bomber: Wasn’t me.

Charge: Course it wasn’t.

Swain: Oh, come on, she wasn’t even there. [Bomber turns to look at him.] Were you?

Bomber: Oh, what? So I’m invisible now? Get out of my galley.

[Kate answers the door.]

Mike: I thought we had a date.

Kate: I thought we cancelled.

Mike: I’d just like to know why you walked away from me today.

Kate: Because you’ve turned.

Mike: And what’s that supposed to mean?

Kate: Well, you’re clearly one of the bureaucrats now.

Mike: I'm just doing my job, I have responsibilities that come with this new position. Like it or not.

Kate: And that includes not supporting your former crew, does it?

Mike: I have to be impartial, it’s not personal.

Kate: Oh, that is crap. You know, you hide behind this veneer of command. I look at you with your straight back and square shoulders and it is your armour, and you won’t let anyone in, because you’re afraid. You’re an emotional coward, Mike Flynn.

[Mike chuckles unbelievingly.]

Kate: And I have put up with it for three years now, and sometimes I think you actually enjoy tormenting me.

Mike: Oh, come on, Kate. That’s unfair. You know the regulations.

Kate: Yeah, the regulations, they don’t apply anymore, do they? You can’t hide behind them anymore.

[Mike kisses her. She kisses back. The scene morphs to a montage of them, Mike carries Kate to her bedroom, they fall onto her bed, kissing passionately.]

Swain: Well, six hours left, 2Dads. Time to spill your guts.

Bomber: Come on, 2Dads, tell us.

Bird: At least tell Bomber it wasn’t me.

Dutchy: Listen everyone, I think the right thing to do is whoever did it to fess up themselves.

Charge: That’s right.

[Silence.]

RO: Oh, that went well.

RO: Hey Bomber. Bird tell you the news about Two Dads?

Bomber: Bird seems to know everything that’s going on on this boat.

RO: Yeah, she’s pretty popular with the crew. [Pause.] Do I detect a note of jealously there?

Bomber: Yeah, there’s a whole symphony going on.

RO: Come on, Bomber, don’t compare yourself with Bird. I mean, she’s a sweet young thing, but... well, you’re... you’re a woman. You’re a very attractive woman. You’re beautiful so... you’re our chefo as well so we couldn’t exist without you.

Bomber: Thanks, RO. [She kisses him on the cheek.]

[Mike arrives on the Hammersley.]

Kate: Now, there are rumours going around about Coburn. Do you know what’s going on?

Mike: The rumours are true. He’s been relieved of his command. [He falls silent.]

Kate: You okay?

Mike: You’re getting a new CO.

Kate: Oh, do you know who?

[Mike nods. Kate stares at him.]

Kate: Ugh. [Walks away.]

Mike: It’s only for a few weeks until they get a permanent replacement. [Stares at Kate’s retreating back, before following after her.]

The Right Stuff (4.03)

Dutchy: Sir with your permission, can I include 2Dads in this party? I am getting the impression that he is the type to keep under my wing.

Mike: You're a brave man.

2 Dads: Is it okay to be walking around near this stuff?

Dutchy: You were at the briefings, mate.

2 Dads: [Pause.] So is it okay to be walking around near this stuff?

Kate: So how long is this going on for? You getting posted back onto Hammersley, that wasn’t supposed to happen.

Mike: That’s the navy for you. I’m trying to make this a short posting. I don’t know how long I can stand this... professional relationship stuff.

Kate: Yeah, well, my deadline has already passed.

Ransom (4.04)

RO: [Scoffs.] Children.

Bird: Robert, this is a family resort.

RO: Yeah, well, I was never allowed to behave like that when I was a child.

Dutchy: That explains a lot.

RO: You should have pointed your feet at his head.

Mike: Sorry, RO?

RO: Well, Thai’s believe that the head is holy, the feet unholy, the worst thing you can do is point your feet at their head.

Mike: [Exasperated.] Thanks for that, RO.

RO: [Sincerely.] You’re welcome, sir.

Charge: Feet?

RO: Yeah.

Kate: When they see that it’s not Wantha, chances are they are gonna freak.

Mike: Well, hopefully they’ll be more interested in the jewels...

Kate: But what if they’re not? What if they start shooting?

Mike: Exactly. This is a dangerous operation, that’s why Dutchy...

Kate: No, a woman is less likely to cause them any harm.

Mike: No.

Kate: No? You really don’t think so?

Mike: Alright, maybe. But there’s no guarantee of that. We don’t know what we’re dealing with.

Kate: They safety of Mia Douglas has to be our first priority here.

Mike: What if something happens to you?

Kate: Sir, as commanding officer...

Mike: Kate!

Kate: No, no! Don’t do this! You came back on the ship, it was your choice. Your choice to keep it professional. This can’t get personal between us now.

Mike: I can’t just block out how I feel about you.

Kate: I am the only logical choice for this mission, and you know that.

Mike: Alright. Dutchy goes with you.

Kate: No. He is too much of a cowboy.

Mike: He’s the one man on this boat you want in a fire fight.

Kate: No. No.

Mike: He goes with you, or you don’t go at all.

Kidnapper: It's not coming off. Maybe if I use turps!

Paradise Lost (4.05)

RO: Ah, Bomber, can I get some museli with some hot milk on the side please?

Bomber: Yeah sure. In a glass?

RO: In a glass would be fine. Could you make it really hot?

Bomber: Really hot it is.

RO: You're really hot.

Bomber: Excuse me {Walks toward Dutchy and kisses him on the cheek.]

Dutchy: Ah, what was that for?

Bomber: 2Dads told me that you found me and carried me all that way. Thanks.

Dutchy: No, that wasn't me, that was RO. But thanks anyway.

[RO looks surprised, because he told 2Dads that Dutchy carried her, after RO actually did when she was unconscious in the swamp.]

[Bomber looks at RO, surprised.]

RO: So.

Bomber: Why?

RO: You told me to stay away.

Bomber: Well, thanks for ignoring that.

[She walks away with a smile, while Ro thinks to himself.]

Big Fish (4.06)

[2Dads ,Bomber, Swain, Dutchy and Bird are fishing on the boat deck.]

2Dads: Oh yeah, here we go!

Dutchy: You alright?

2Dads: Yaahaa!

Bird: Yuck.

Dutchy: Relax, it's just a little bit of squid. [Helps Bird with her fishing rod.]

Bird: Yeah, but they're so slimy!

Bomber: Hey! I thought the rule was to bait your own hook.

Bird: I don't do slimy!

Bomber: Guess that kills 2Dads' chances!

2Dads: Oh, it's a monster! Get the net!

Swain: Come on mate! Get the camera, Bomb!

[Swain laughs as 2Dads reels in a small fish.]

Bomber: That's your monster?

[Swain is still laughing.]

Dutchy: It's huge!

Bomber: Mate, this thing hasn't got a micro setting!

2Dads: It's bigger than it looks.

Bomber: Ah, bet you say that to all the girls.

Shoes of the Fisherman (4.07)

RO: They might think I've drowned.

Hannibal: They might have a party!

The Universal Donor (4.08)

Swain: You all think you know CPR back to front.

Charge: RPC!

Kate: Swain is making 2Dads do CPR practice on Charge.

RO: Aren't there hygiene issues with that?

2Dads: Even human fat's worth big bucks in the cosmetics industry. You're a walking gold mine, Charge.

Charge: Have you ever thought about selling your brain? It's not like it's being used.

Dutch Courage (4.09)

Rawhide (4.10)

Kate: So, was it a rental?

Swain: The girl?

Kate: The car!

Swain: Oh! On a bosun's salary? Probably.

Swain: He, ma'am watch out - Cow...!

Kate: oh... It's... wet. Fresh.

Bomber: [To RO.] Just be yourself. Well... you know, a more people-friendly version of yourself.

Kate: I know what I want. Do you know what you want?

Mike: Yes... Coffee.

Bird: I'm so sorry, X. I didn't mean to injure him. Honestly.

Kate: Oh. So, you hit him with a torch.

Bird: I didn't know that it was him.

Kate: Okay, Bird. I'm curious who did you intend to beat senseless then?

Mike: Brief me while I get dressed.

Brotherhood of the Sea (4.11)

Bomber: There’s nothing to worry about.

Bird: There isn’t?

Bomber: No. It’s a popular dive site. Coastwatch are on the case, we’re on our way, he’s wearing scuba gear.

Dutchy: Bomber’s right. Bird. 2Dads will be fine. He’s got a BCD and an FSB.

Bird: I know a BCD’s a buoyancy control device, what’s an FSB?

Dutchy: Female, Swedish...

Bird: Backpacker.

Dutchy: Bingo. Ten bucks says Coastwatch will find him hitting on her, and he’ll blame us for cramping his style.

Bird: Yeah, I hope so.

Dutchy: Hey, I know so.

[Bomber and Charge in the bridge of the Rosyln Bay while the Hammersley is looking for 2Dads.]

Bomber: Is there anything I could help with?

Charge: Why did you volunteer for this detail?

Bomber: I didn't want to be there when they called off the search. So, is there anything I could help?

Charge: No, just stay on the shipping lane. A monkey can do this.

Bomber: Remember when he brought that monkey onboard?

Charge: Idiot!

Radio/Coast Watch: This is the Coast Watch Announcement. Attention all shipping. The Sudbury Kay - a person's been spotted by Civilian Aircraft on the kay in need of assistance. There are no further details at this time, any vessel in the area, please respond. Over.

Charge: Sudbury Kay!

Bomber: Charge!! That's way south of the search area. It couldn't be him.

Charge: Why not?

Bomber: Well, not if he was diving up in Saxon Reef. It's against the wind direction, current - it's impossible.

Charge: But what if he wasn't on Saxon Reef?

Bomber: What?

Charge: What if they were diving up in Palau Reef? What if Herry Edwards created a fake search area to the north, so he could find 2Dads by himself? That's why he didn't go back to port!

Bomber: And what about that poor girl's leg?

Charge: They planted it!

Bomber: Why?

Charge: I don't know why! I am going to take a look.

Bomber: No Way!

Charge: You steer the ship, I'll take care of the engines.

[Charge and 2Dads walking on the docks. Charge is apologising to 2Dads for walking out on him at the last minute in their scuba diving trip where 2Dads almost died.]

Charge: If there is anything else I can do. If you ever wanna go on another dive trip, I will do it. I will make myself do it.

2Dads: I don't think I'm gonna be doing that for a while. There is one thing I've always wanted to do.

Charge: What is it?

2Dads: Just haven't found anyone to do it with.

Charge: Hey, I'm there. I'm your guy. Name it.

2Dads: Skydiving.

[2Dads walk away. Speechless, Charge looks up as if already dreading should it happen.]

Dutchy: If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck,its a duck.

Charge: Or a goose...

Dutchy: No, Geese honk!

Dutchy: There’s no one below decks, X.

Charge: You sure?

Dutchy: Apart from Harold Holt and Osama bin Laden, yeah. I’m sure.

Rumble in the Jungle (4.12)

Mike: RO, ETA to radio range?

RO: Eh, possibly... an hour and a half?<

Mike: Good.

RO: Well, depends on their location. If they're in a valley it might be a bit... a bit longer, if they're up a hill, a bit... a bit shorter.

2Dads: You mean we have to walk all the way?

Bomber" No, the monorail will be around in a minute to give us a lift.

Soft Target (4.13)

Live Catch (4.14)

[Bomber and Kate are in the galley, Bomber is mad at Kate. Bomber drops plate in front of Kate.]

Kate: Is that attitude, Bomber?

Bomber: No Ma'am, it's chicken.

Kate: See me in the ship's office when you're done here.

Kate: [Over radio.] Sir, we’re returning the illegal catch back to the sea now.

Mike: Let’s hope a good number of the fish survive. Well done X.

Bird: [To RO.] Why wouldn’t they all survive?

RO: Stress.

Bird: Stress?

RO: Big killer in fish.

Bird: Really?

RO: [Nods.] Mmm. You think I’m making it up?

Bird: I can never really tell if you’re joking or not.

RO: No, I don’t... I don’t joke. I never joke.

Bird: You never joke?

RO: Joking’s not my thing.

Bird: Okily dokily.

Charge: Just one question, sir.

Mike: Yes, Charge?

Charge: With Bomber away, who’s gonna cook for us?

Mike: Well, I’m sure we’ll manage. RO, you’ve had experience in the galley.

RO: Uh, I think that we should probably go back and get her, sir.

Dutchy: How hard can it be to burn a bit of scran?

RO: Seriously, I think that we should go back and get her now.

Charge: He may be right, sir. If you could remember back to last time. There was... problems.

Mike: Bird, can you cook?

Bird: Uh, a bit, sir.

Mike: You can give RO a hand in the galley.

Bird: Great!

Mike: There you go, RO. Enthusiastic helper. Just keep it simple.

RO: We all die, it’s not my fault.

Charge: We will die.

[Mike chuckles.)]

[RO returns to the bridge, Charge stops him.]

Charge: How’s lunch?

RO: Bird and I had a disagreement about condiments. She’s finishing it up.

Flotsam and Jetsam (4.15)

Dutchy: Oh, no.

Kate: What?

Dutchy: you've got that look on your face again. Last time you had that look, you got yourself into trouble.

Dutchy: What’s going on? Are you gonna meet her? Do you want me to come?

Kate: I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you can come across, at times, as a little intimidating.

Dutchy: Me?

Kate: Mmm.

Dutchy: Nah.

Kate: No, I’d better go alone. [Goes to leave.] You stay.

Dutchy: Woof.

Bomber: [Opening the door.] Hi. Um, I was just about to get in the shower.

2Dads: Don’t let me stop you.

[They kiss.]

Bomber: [Pulling away.] I don’t even like you.

2Dads: I hate you, too.

[They kiss again.]

Kate: Hey, Dutchy. You go up first, just in case Albie makes a smart mouth comment. I might do something inappropriate.

Dutchy: Yeah, right. And I’m gonna be Mr Squeaky Clean.

In Too Deep (4.16)

Dutchy: 2Dads? Come on, you need to step it up, mate. We gotta get these provisions off the dock ASAP.

2Dads: Fair go, Dutchy, I reckon I got swine flu, mate.

Bomber: Worm flu, more like it. I told you not to eat that worm in the bottom of the bottle.

Maxine: If Mike Flynn thinks you’re CO material, who are you or I to doubt that?

RO: Sir. It’s good to have you back.

Mike: Good to be back, RO.

Charge: Starting to look like your old self again, sir.

Mike: I don’t know if I'll be winning any beauty pageants, Charge. Don’t know why I’d be entering any.

[Everyone chuckles.]

Mike: But Bomber and Swain did a pretty good job of patching me up.

Bomber: One of the more enjoyable jobs I’ve had to do as second medic. I’m gonna miss you guys.

Mike: Not as much as we’ll miss you. [Turns to Bird.] What do you think, Bird? This Navy life. Is it all worth it?

Bird: Yeah, I reckon it’s okay, sir.

Mike: Great. [Walks over to Kate and Dutchy.] So, who has the ship?

Kate: I do, sir.

Mike: Very good. Take us home, X.

Season Five (2011)

The Third Man (5.01)

Mike: You hear there, this is the captain speaking. We’ll be in port within the hour. Once along side, those not on watch will be free to enjoy some R and R.

2Dads: Yes! What do you say, ROey, you gonna cut lose tonight or what?

RO: Sadly I’m on watch, 2Dads.

2Dads: Ah, bummer. What about you, Bird? [Mimes having a drink.]

Bird: Uh, I’ve got food to prep for tomorrow.

2Dads: How boring are you guys? Looks like I'm gonna have to have enough fun for the three of us!

Mike: Remember 2Dads, this is a good will visit. Let’s not wear out our welcome on the first night.

Charge: I’ll keep an eye on him, sir.

Kate: Who’ll keep an eye on you?

Dutchy: Ah, that’d be my job, ma’am.

Kate: That doesn’t fill me with confidence, either.

[The crew laughs.]

Dutchy: Oh, would you look...?

Kate: Captain has the ship.

Dutchy: What rubbish!

Kate: You know, I might just have to come along and keep an eye on all of you.

Swain: Can you tell me what day it is?

2Dads: Luckiest day of my life?

Swain: You got that right.

RO: You okay? I heard you got dumped.

2Dads: Who told you that?

RO: Bird. She heard it from Dutchy, who heard it from Swain. It’s ironic, isn’t it? That you got dumped via email, communication being the cornerstone of any successful relationship.

2Dads: Since when are you an expert on relationships?

RO: Oh, no, I don’t claim to be. I’m an expert on communication.

2Dads: [Chuckles.] Now that’s ironic.

Roth: It’s good to see you Kate. I’ve been wanting to drop you a line for a while now.

Kate: So you thought that you’d just drop out of the sky instead?

2Dads: Ah, I’m a free man. You know what that means, yeah?

Charge: Yeah. You can make a fool of yourself getting rejected by a whole bevy of beautiful women.

[They all laugh.]

2Dads: No, no, no. Not when you guys tell them how I single-handedly saved a warship!

All: Oh.

2Dads: Warship! Come on, right there.

Swain: Get used to it, Bird, he’ll be dining out on this for years.

Charge: By the way, your shout, 2Dads.

Roth: You heading out with the others?

Kate: No such luck, I’m afraid. I’ve got a report that I need to finish.

Roth: Forget about paperwork. Come and have a drink with me.

Kate: Well, I... [She glances up at the ship. Roth turns to see Mike watching them.]

Roth: Sorry. I just assumed that nothing was going on seeing as you’re still serving on the same ship.

Kate: Well, there is nothing going on. But Mike is resuming a shore posting in a few weeks, so...

Roth: Right. I’m happy for you, Kate. [They shake hands.] Good to see you. [He waves to Mike as he leaves.]

Eye for an Eye (5.02)

Dutchy: Wrecked your uniform.

Kate: Well, fortunately I have others.

Bird: Don’t you read the social calendar?

2Dads: I like to be spontaneous.

Ryan: How's Mike?

2Dads: Strangely unimpressed.

Kate: [About Mike.] Believe me, he’s done his fair share of toga partying.

Dutchy: [To 2Dads and Bird.] Behave, chicken legs.

Crimes of Passion (5.03)

2Dads: You didn’t kill the guy. Did you? (Dutchy gives him a look.) I’ll take that as a no.

Spoils of War (5.04)

Dutchy: Hey Swaino, few of us are going down the pub for a few... [Swain brushes past him and ignores him.] Yeah, good chat.

Ryan: Do I... [Indicates a salute.] I don’t need to do that, do I?

Dutchy: Only on Wednesdays.

Mike: Do you usually listen to unused frequencies?

RO: Yes.

RO: That’s Swain for you. Always going out on a limb for strangers. I would never do that.

Mike: ..and I trust your judgement.

Kate: (smiles) Thank you.

Kate: ..But regarding Ryan - his reluctance might have something to do with the test.

Mike: How so?

Kate: Well, I've heard that it's not exactly pleasant - the procedure.

Mike: You think he might be afraid?

Kate: He might just need someone to hold his hand.

Mike: Kate I knew I could count on you.

Dead Zone (5.05)

The Stinger (5.06)

Mike: Kate, I cant help feeling the reason that you ended our relationship is because Jim Roth is back in your life.

Kate: So you ambush me in the galley to ask me that.

Mike: I've seen how concerned you are with his well-being.

Kate: Yeah, but I don't want to discuss it and I don't think it is something we should be talking about in here.

Mike: I just want to know.

Kate: It has nothing to do with Jim Roth.

Mike: Then what?

Kate: I cant talk about it.

Mike: Kate!... (she doesn't respond).. XO!

Kate: Yes, Sir.

Mike: You're absolutely right. It won't happen again.

Black Flights (5.07)

[Swain and Bird are looking worriedly at a bite mark on 2Dads' leg.]

Swain: These aren't mozzie bites, mate.

2Dads: They're not? What are they?

Swain: They're probe marks.

2Dads: What?

Swain: Does it hurt to sit down?

[Now Swain is smirking while asking the question.]

Swain: Did they go rectal?

[Swain and Bird started laughing at 2Dads.]

2Dads: You know if my head wasn't about to explode, I'll tell you where to stick yours.

[RO passes by, turns back and leans into the room.]

RO: 2Dads, there's a call for you.

2Dads: From who?

RO: ET. He wants you to phone home.

Lifeline (5.08)

Dead Sea (5.09)

The Hunted (5.10)

Dutchy: [About 2Dads & RO.] I wouldn’t trust them to catch the clap at a Bangkok brothel.

RO: Nature should be avoided at all costs in my mind.

[Bird and Dutchy at the wardroom, after Bird saved him, RO and 2Dads from 2 hunters.]

Dutchy: How are you doing?

Bird: Better than you, by the look of things.

Dutchy: Looks can be deceiving.

[Bird looks down, contemplating.]

Dutchy: Bird, the only reason we are still alive is because you didn't follow my instructions when I told you to run and hide.

Bird: I wanted to.

Dutchy: Which makes what you did all the more brave.

Bird: Brave? Dutchy, I have never been so scared.

Dutchy: Me neither. I'm very proud of you, Bird. You're a damn good sailor. The navy is lucky to have you.

[Bird contemplates what Dutchy said for a while.]

Bird: I still hate guns.

[Dutchy gives Bird a small smile before she leave the room.]

The Morning After (5.11)

Charge: There seems to be a ring on my finger, and Lani has one too.

2Dads: I hope Lani’s a girl.

Charge: Do I look like a radio officer? Yes, she’s a girl.

RO: Sir, this has just come in from Navcom. We’ve been requested to collect Captain Jim Roth from those co-ordinates.

[Mike and Kate both look up at Jim, who is already onboard.]

RO: Oh. Yep. Okay.

Saving Ryan (5.12)

Mike: Ryan. There’s Ryan.

Charge: Where?

Mike: Wait here! [He runs off.]

Charge: Sir?

Mike: Ryan!

2Dads: Did our CO just do a runner?

Kate: What do you mean you lost the CO?

One Perfect Day (5.13)

External links

Encyclopedic article on Sea Patrol on Wikipedia