1988 film by Richard Donner
- Directed by Richard Donner. Written by Mitch Glazer and Michael O'Donoghue, based on Charles Dickens' novella, A Christmas Carol.
The spirits will move you in odd and hysterical ways.taglines
- The bitch hit me with a toaster! I love a girl with spirit.
- [confronted by the ghost of his old boss] No, you are a hallucination, brought on by alcohol. Russian Vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl.
- I'm not crazy. It's Christmas Eve! It's, it's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we, we, we smile a little easier, we, w-w-we, we, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be! It's a miracle, it's really, a sort of a miracle because it happens every Christmas Eve. And if you waste that miracle, you're gonna burn for it. I know what I'm talking about. You have to do something. You have to take a chance. You do have to get involved. There are people that are having, having trouble making their miracle happen. There are people that don't have enough to eat, and there are people that are cold. You can go out and say 'hello' to these people. You can take an old blanket out of the closet and say, 'here.' You can make 'em a sandwich, and say 'Oh, by the way, here!' I get it now! And if you, if you give, then you, then it can happen. Then the miracle can happen to you. It's not just the poor and the hungry, it's, it's everybody that's gotta have this miracle! And it can happen tonight for all of you! If you believe in this pure thing, you'll, the miracle will happen and then you'll want it to happen again tomorrow! You won't be one of these bastards who says, 'Christmas is once a year and it's a fraud.' It's not! It can happen every day! You've just got to want that feeling! And if you like it and you want it, you'll get greedy for it. You'll want it every day of your life, and it can happen to you! I believe in it now. I believe it's gonna happen to me now. I'm ready for it! And it's great. It's a good feeling. It's, it's really better than I've felt in a long time. I'm, I'm, I'm ready. Have a Merry Christmas, everybody.
- Can we look at something else? Oh look. There's a gorilla climbing that building.
- What is this? Trump Tower?
- Ghost of Christmas Past: [after driving harmlessly through a van] GO BACK TO JERSEY, YA MORON! [laughs]
- Ghost of Christmas Present: Sometimes, you have to SLAP them in the face just to get their attention!
- Earl Cross: All day long, I listen to people give me excuses why they can't work... 'My back hurts,' 'my legs ache,' [pauses for a second] 'I'm only four!' The sooner he learns life isn't handed to him on a silver platter, the better!
- Promo Announcer: The night the reindeer died!
- Elliot Loudermilk: Hello wabbit.
- James Cross: [last lines] My brother, The King of Christmas.
- Frank: I am the youngest president in the history of television for a reason: I know the people.
- Elliot: Well, uh... granted but the people already wanna watch the show.
- Frank: That isn't good enough! They have got to be so scared to miss it! So terrified! Now if I were in charge, and I am. [laughs. IBC Executive laughs along with him but Frank looks at him and he shuts up] Perhaps I can help you. Here's the kind of thing I would have done. Grace, cue it up.
- [Frank stands in front of the screens. Thunder sounds and ominous music start playing]
- Scrooge Promo Announcer: Acid rain.
- [Images and sounds of people screaming; Frank makes a screaming face]
- Scrooge Promo Announcer: Drug addictions.
- [Shows a guy groaning and shooting up on heroin. Scene changes to a jet taking off]
- Scrooge Promo Announcer: International terrorism.
- [Jet blows up in midair. Scene changes to a guy pulling a shotgun out of a car]
- Scrooge Promo Announcer: Freeway killers.
- [Guy with shotgun fires]
- Scrooge Promo Announcer: Now more than ever...
- Frank: [Speaking along with announcer] It is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas.
- Scrooge Promo Announcer: Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal classic Scrooge. Your life...
- Frank: [Speaking along with announcer] ... might just depend on it.
- [Promo holds on the image of a nuclear explosion. Frank takes a sip of coffee and looks at the executives]
- Frank: Not bad, huh?
- Frank: Grace, put yourself down for a towel, too.
- Grace: What about my bonus?
- Frank: Towel and a facecloth.
- Lew: I was a captain of industry, feared by men, adored by women.
- Frank: ADORED? Come on. let's be honest, Lew. You PAID for the women.
- Frank: I want to see her nipples.
- Censor Lady: But this is a Christmas show.
- Frank: Well, Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples!
- Carpenter: You can barely see them nipples.
- Frank: See? And these guys are really looking!
- Frank: I get it. You're here to show me my past, and I'm supposed to get all dully-eyed and mushy. Well, forget it, pal, you got the wrong guy!
- Ghost of Christmas Past: That's exactly what Attila the Hun said. But when he saw his mother... Niagara Falls!
- Ghost of Christmas Past: You still spend the next fifteen years sitting on your ass watching TV.
- Frank: Check the records! I did some stuff. I played baseball. One year, I hit the home-run that won the big game--
- Ghost of Christmas Past: That was the kid on The Courtship of Eddie's Father.
- Frank: There was another time, though. I was on a hill covered with flowers, and there was a beautiful girl with pigtails--
- Ghost of Christmas Past: PATHETIC! You are so pathetic! That was Little House on the Prairie!
- Frank: ... Was it the the homecoming episode?
- Ghost of Christmas Past: [exasperated] Yes, it was the homecoming episode of Little House. Let's face it, Frank. Garden slugs got more out of life than you.
- Frank: Yeah? Name one.
- Ghost of Christmas Past: You left Claire for Frisbee the dog? Frank, let me sum this up for you: you don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, and you don't know what the hell is going on!
- Frank: I've made a few mistakes. I gotta live with that. But I do know who I am, I know what I want, and I know what's going on!
- Ghost of Christmas Past: [the Ghost has disappeared into a monitor, and whistles to get his attention] Hey, Frank! Up here!
- Frank: What's going on?
- Ghost of Christmas Past: How should I know? I'm just the ghost! So long, sucker!
- James: You know what they say about people who treat other people bad on the way up?
- Frank: Yeah, you get to treat them bad on the way back down too. It's great, you get two chances to rough them up.
- [Props man tries to attach antlers to a mouse]
- Props man: I can't get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, but it don't work.
- Frank: Did you try staples?
- Frank: Same old Claire... still trying to save the world.
- Claire: You still trying to run it?
- Frank: I'm gonna give you a little advice, Claire... Scrape 'em off. You wanna save somebody? Save yourself!
- Claire: Oh, well, that's a really nice attitude on Christmas Eve!
- Frank: [starts to walk away and then turns around] Bah, humbug.
- Elliot: Hello, IBC program room.
- Preston: This is Rhinelander. Who's the idiot that put that nut on the air?
- Elliot: Oh, uh, Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir, but uh... he can't talk to you right now because he's sorta tied up. Uh-huh. Oh, in fact, he just said that you were a flatulating butthead?
- Preston: A butthead?
- Elliot: He said he never felt that way about a man before, but you really looked good in a suit.
[Preston angrily kicks one of the cats]
- The spirits will move you in odd and hysterical ways.
- Bill Murray is back among the ghosts. Only this time, it's three against one.
- Bill Murray - Francis Xavier "Frank" Cross
- Karen Allen - Claire Phillips
- John Forsythe - Lew Hayward
- John Glover - Brice Cummings
- Bobcat Goldthwait - Eliot Loudermilk
- David Johansen - Ghost of Christmas Past
- Carol Kane - Ghost of Christmas Present
- Robert Mitchum - Preston Rhinelander
- Nicholas Phillips - Calvin Cooley
- Michael J. Pollard - Herman
- Alfre Woodard - Grace Cooley
- Mabel King - Gramma
- John Murray - James Cross
- Wendie Malick - Wendie Cross
- Brian Doyle Murray - Earl Cross, Frank and James' father
- Joel Murray - Ghost