Scorpion (TV series)

Scorpion (2014–2018) is an American drama television series loosely based on the life of genius and computer expert Walter O'Brien. In the series, O'Brien and his genius friends help each other to solve complex global problems and save lives.

Season 1

Pilot [1.1]

Radio Host: For $108.3, which month has 28 days?

Walter O'Brien: All of them.

Radio Contestant: I actually know this one--February?

Radio Host: We have a winner!

Walter O'Brien: Idiots.

Sylvester Dodd: Screw this up, brains and guts are gonna ignite all over town!

Happy Quinn: Actually, fuel tanks ignite on impact. You won't find a body part.

Toby Curtis: Mmm, blood-soaked spleen could burn at a slower rate.

Paige Dineen: Hey! Please check your language around my 9-year-old.

Walter O'Brien: Mr. Brooks, I am hacking into airport security. I'm gonna rotate the cameras to point at the monitors. I'll see it remotely and I will walk you through each step.

Mr. Brooks: Who am I on with here? I am not comfortable with you hacking into anything at this airport.

Walter O'Brien: Then don't make it so easy.

Walter O'Brien: In situations like this, carelessnes, mistakes--they will haunt you. I know this from experience.

Toby Curtis: Walter, I'm always on point. Have you seen my hat?

Paige Dineen: Who the hell are you to tell me that my polish looks cheap? That hurts my feelings. Do you understand?

Walter O'Brien: Yeah, I recognize that. I've been told things like that a lot.

Paige Dineen: And my polish streaks because Ralph does it. He loves to paint. And don't tell me that he needs help, either. He's challenged. Have some empathy.

Walter O'Brien: Challenged, huh? Look at Sylvester and him. Do you know what they're doing? The matches are the king, jelly's the queen, the sugar packets are the knights. He's playing chess. With a grandmaster. Who's about to lose.

Sylvester Dodd: Walter, do you see this? Checkmate in 8 moves! This kid is amazing.

Walter O'Brien: He doesn't like to paint your nails. He does it because he wants to hold your hand, but he can't process physical contact. So help him, or he will never connect with you. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your son is a genius.

Sylvester Dodd: He doesn't even know we're here. He's wondering if those flashlights could be powered by the heat of a hand that holds them. Or he's calculating the cubic footage of the octagon clock. He thinks about anything. Everything.

...

Sylvester Dodd: Few parents meaningfully engage with mentally enabled children. It's not your fault. It's just how we are.

Paige Dineen: You're the world's smartest computer guy and this comes down to plugging something in?

Walter O'Brien: Do you ever pause your dreams, Ralph?

Ralph Dineen: Yeah.

Walter O'Brien: Ever rewind them?

Ralph Dineen: Sometimes.

Walter O'Brien: Yeah, me too.

Single Point of Failure [1.2]

Paige Dineen: Hey, seriously, what's wrong?

Walter O'Brien: I'm fine... So is Ralph, by the way. He hacked the thermometer, recallibrated the digital display.

Paige Dineen: He did what?!

Walter O'Brien: He hates school.

Happy Quinn: Tools don't let you down. Only people do.

Toby Curtis: Spending your life scared to connect to anyone isn't any way to live.

A Cyclone [1.3]

Analyzing surveillance camera footage.

Toby Curtis: We're gonna get a little un-PC up in here. Traditional bomber profile means we lose Asians and Latinos. Cut anyone over 60 and under 12.

Federal Agent: That's not how this software's meant to operate.

Toby Curtis: Explosives are traditionally a boys' club so let's lose the women. And anyone not wearing a hat or sunglasses. Alright! Now, who's ready for a little hustle and flow?

Cabe Gallo: What's that?

Toby Curtis: Flow dynamics. Study of herd think, actions and reactions. When one gazelle's ears perk up, so do all the others', and they all run from the cheetah with the same urgency. Ah! [points to screen] That guy in the hat and sunglasses. White male, 30s: fits domestic-terrorist MO. See, he's calm 'cause he knows no other bombs are gonna go off.

Walter O'Brien: Any dreams you have of [Ralph] making a team or being in student council, it's just, uh, not gonna happen.

Paige Dineen: I thought you told me he'd eventually fit in.

Walter O'Brien: He will. Just not in school.

Maintenance Worker: Exactly what are you looking for?

Toby Curtis: If we explained it to you, your mind would melt into your socks.

Cabe Gallo: It's official government business, just give us some room.

[Maintenance worker leaves.]

Toby Curtis: Normals, huh? [looks at Paige] No offense.

Paige Dineen: None taken.

Shorthanded [1.4]

Judge: Mr. O'Brien, I understand you waived your public defender.

Walter O'Brien: Correct, yes, I don't need one since this court can't provide me with a fair trial. You see, it's my constitutional right to a jury of my peers, which means you'd have to find 12 residents of Clark County, Nevada, with an IQ of 197 or above. And I've spent some time in Clark County. I can tell you, that's not gonna happen.

Happy Quinn: Not good.

Walter O'Brien: There's no option but to release me.

Judge: Bail is set at $500,000.

Plutonium is Forever [1.5]

Toby Curtis: Ralph, have a good day at school, and don't listen to any of your teachers.

Mark Collins: What is it they say about time and it being of the essence?

Paige Dineen: Secrets breed mistrust.

Cabe Gallo: If my life is in the hands of this Collins guy, I need to know if you're hiding something.

[pause]

Walter O'Brien: Three years ago I had him committed to an asylum.

Cabe Gallo: Fantastic.

Cabe Gallo: Hey listen, kid, if this doesn't work out, I'm glad I got to know you.

Walter O'Brien: OK.

Sylvester Dodd: A man gives you what could be his last good-bye and you say "OK"?!

True Colors [1.6]

Sylvester Dodd: Galactic has the greatest superhero pantheon in this or any other universe, including my personal favorite, Super Fun Guy. [aside] I'm getting there, Walter, I'm getting there. [to team] They manufacture these little masterpieces using state-of-the-art, cutting-edge 3D printers and scanners. They have everything one would need to create the perfect forgery. The forger must work there. And he is so...lucky!

...

Sylvester Dodd: OK guys! Come on, let's go!

Toby Curtis: Never seen him move so fast.

[later, when the team arrives at Galactic Toys]

Sylvester Dodd: OK Cabe, I'm gonna go with you.

Cabe Gallo: You're all staying here and that's an order. I'll be back in 10 minutes.

Paige Dineen: He's been waiting for this his whole life.

Cabe Gallo: Well, then he should be used to it. I don't need a bunch of geniuses to help me detain an unarmed artist.

Sylvester Dodd: Well, can you at least get me a Super Fun Guy T-shirt? He's really fun. Cabe, he's really fun!

Toby Curtis: All artists want the same thingː recognition.

Therapist: Safe to say this is when the mission went from the frying pan into the fryer.

Happy Quinn: Safe to say anything you want, unless it pisses me off.

Father's Day [1.7]

Answering machine begins to record a message.

Paige Dineen: Oh no. [runs downstairs to stop recording]

Toby Curtis: What the hell was that all about?

Paige Dineen: Nothing. An acquaintance.

Toby Curtis: You don't sprint downstairs for an acquaintance.

Happy Quinn: Who's Drew?

Paige Dineen: Old friend.

Toby Curtis: Bump from acquaintance to old friend in 3 seconds. Interesting.

Paige Dineen: Look, it's really not important.

Toby Curtis: You just put your hand on your stomach. It's a conscious protection marker where you once carried a child.

Walter O'Brien: Is Drew Ralph's father?

Sylvester Dodd: I didn't know Ralph had a father.

Happy Quinn: How exactly do you think babies are made?

Sylvester Dodd: You know what I mean.

Paige Dineen: Not that it's any of your business, but Ralph's dad is a minor-league baseball player and--

Toby Curtis: Great, a jock!

Paige Dineen: --we bounced around a lot, team to team, and we agreed Ralph should have some stability. We settled in L.A. and Drew was gonna come out after a season. He got a job pitching in Mexico, then Tampa, and you can fill in the rest.

Walter O'Brien: How long has it been since he's seen Ralph?

Paige Dineen: Seven years.

Toby Curtis: Oh that's great. Father of the year. Excuse me, seven years.

Toby Curtis: Hey, you want to know if he's a good guy? Watch him eat fruit. He digs into the flesh with his fingernails, it's a primordial sign of aggression. But if he peels it in one long curl, that is a planner.

Sylvester Dodd: He's right. I'm very gentle with plums.

Walter O'Brien: Guys, we are not giving him fruit.

Paige Dineen: Thank you.

Walter O'Brien: I can just hack his credit info, see what he's been up to, is he any risk to Ralph--

Paige Dineen: Absolutely not!

Cabe Gallo: I'm amazed that geniuses can even get duped.

Walter O'Brien: Easily. We become so focused that we lose peripheral vision, and it's on the outskirts where ulterior motives lie.

Sylvester Dodd: Geniuses state facts, so we assume others state facts, too.

Walter O'Brien: If you become ostracized from an early age for being different, or if someone targets you because they have something to gain, you don't see their motives until it's too late. After awhile, it starts to affect your core self. You trust no one, you grow up to be distant.

Happy Quinn: Like Walter.

Walter O'Brien: Or scared of your own shadow.

Sylvester Dodd: Like me.

Walter O'Brien: Angry.

Happy Quinn: Present.

Walter O'Brien: Or a condescending jerk.

Sylvester Dodd/Happy Quinn: Like Toby.

Sylvester Dodd: Ahem. Would your guest like some fruit?

Drew Baker: Excuse me?

Paige Dineen: He's fine! We don't want fruit!

Toby Curtis: Come on, Babe Ruth, take a peach.

Drew Baker: No, thank you.

Happy Quinn: I know I've said this before, but not good.

Paige Dineen: What do you remember about your father?

Ralph Dineen: He was tall. He liked his toast burnt. And he left to see a movie.

Paige Dineen: What?

Ralph Dineen: When we left for L.A., he said he'd catch up with us later, he was just going to see a movie. There were 12 theaters within 20 miles of our home, 48 screens, 227 showings, average runtime 112 minutes. Maybe he just wanted to stay and see more movies.

Risky Business [1.8]

Rogue Element [1.9]

Walter has ordered a Proton Arnold arcade game as a surprise for the team.

Drew Baker: I used to crush that game. What was your high score?

Walter O'Brien: Oh, I don't know. At a certain point, the counter resets.

Rebecca Burns: What's that?

Sylvester Dodd: That is Proton Arnold.

Cabe Gallo: Unplug it.

Sylvester Dodd: OK.

Rebecca Burns: I think what Cabe means to say is, "I told my ex-wife what a great team I work with, smartest I'll ever meet."

Paige Dineen: You're a Cabe Whisperer! I do the same for them.

Walter O'Brien: Do you have your ID?

Rebecca Burns: I'm sure they deactivated it.

[pause]

Walter O'Brien: Oh that's right, you just met us.

Happy is trying to talk her way past the marina gate in order to inspect a blown-up boat.

Happy Quinn: Agent Gallo, Homeland Security.

Marina Guard: What kind of name is Cabe?

[pause]

Happy Quinn: It's 'Cah-beh.' My mother's Korean.

Marina Guard: Oh, sorry. I didn't mean anything by it.

Happy Quinn: No one ever does.

Toby Curtis: [on comms] This is perfect. Now he's feeling guilty and self-conscious. Drop a little civics lesson.

Happy Quinn: I'm here to do the DHS inspection.

Marina Guard: Inspectors were already here.

Happy Quinn: Local PD was, not us. A congressman died. Homeland's involved.

Toby Curtis: This is perfect, now he's feeling stupid. You've got him right where you want him, now make him insecure.

Happy Quinn: I have work to do, so should I call your supervisor or mine?

Toby Curtis: And shoulders will be slouching in 3... 2... 1.

Guard's shoulders drop; he sighs and opens the gate.

Toby Curtis: This is like fish in a barrel.

Happy Quinn: Good talk.

Talismans [1.10]

Megan O'Brien: I thought you guys were geniuses. Someone say something smart.

Paige Dineen: Hi, Megan, I'm Paige. They were just playing a spirited game of--

Toby Curtis: Move Sylvester's Stuff Around.

Paige Dineen: Yeah, so they're a little out of it. [pause] Guys, this is when you introdu--

Sylvester Dodd: Yes, OK. Hello, Megan. Nice to meet you. Walter's told me so much about you.

Megan O'Brien: No, he hasn't.

Sylvester Dodd: No, he hasn't.

Toby Curtis: Hey. Dr. Tobias M. Curtis. It's a pleasure.

Happy Quinn: Hey. I'm Happy.

Megan O'Brien: And I'm dying, but you don't see me telling everyone.

Toby Curtis: Yes! Inappropriate self-deprecating humor to put others at ease. I like your approach.

Megan O'Brien: I like your hat.

Happy Quinn: Why do you do that? As soon as you become human, you switch to wise ass.

Toby Curtis: Textbook defense mechanism to hide how I feel. Especially around you. You're so smart, and capable, and fun. And that personality happens to be wrapped in a nice little package. So I say stupid things to hide feelings that you already know that I have. And we got no food, water, or any idea where we are, so if we're gonna die, I might as well say some stuff. So there.

Happy Quinn: You done?

Toby Curtis: Do you see that? You are doing exactly what you said I do. When things get real, I make wise cracks; you put on your armor.

Megan O'Brien: What are you afraid of, Sylvester?

Sylvester Dodd: Everything.

Capt. Javier Barrios: Who are you?

Lt. James Corbin: Lieutenant Jim Corbin, U.S. Navy Seals. I'm bringing you home.

Walter O'Brien: I'm the tech guy. I'm helping.

Revenge [1.11]

Drew Baker: [whispers] So, um, I just wanted to ask you something.

Paige Dineen: [normal voice] Oh, I've seen these guys build a parabolic mic out of an umbrella. If they're gonna listen, they're gonna listen.

Paige Dineen: Sylvester?

Sylvester Dodd: Yep?

Paige Dineen: Any reason you won't make eye contact with me?

Sylvester Dodd: Yes. I'm uncomfortable because we eavesdropped.

Toby Curtis: Way to stay strong, Sly.

Happy Quinn: It was Toby's idea.

Toby Curtis: You guys fold like a card table.

Agent Simone Taylor: Gallo. You look the same as you did seven years ago. Not a compliment.

Cabe Gallo: Nothing worse than getting an insult from a lady. Thank God it's coming from you.

Toby Curtis: That's nice. Witty banter. It's my favorite kind of banter.

Toby Curtis: Is there a reason you had a fake-blood bag and a retractable knife just lying around?

Happy Quinn: I had to teach an old boyfriend a lesson.

Dominoes [1.12]

Happy is setting up dominoes.

Happy Quinn: Touch it and you will have a blue Christmas.

Toby Curtis: I helped, too!

Happy Quinn: Walter designed it. Sylvester calculated it. I built it. What was your job?

Toby Curtis: Moral support.

Sylvester Dodd: Toby, a few weeks ago I was in a hospital getting shrapnel taken out of my chest, and I still did more work for this project than you did.

Toby Curtis: Grinch.

Walter O'Brien: Have faith that the science will work.

Happy Quinn: Faster, Grandpa!

Toby Curtis: I'm right on his bumper!

Happy Quinn: I should have driven.

Toby Curtis: Hey, I have seen you drive. We can't save Owen if we're both dead.

Kill Screen [1.13]

Agent Eckherd: How did you find the dark site where it was posted? And do not tell me that you just found it!

Ralph Dineen: [barely audible] Walter showed it to me.

Agent Eckherd: Walter. Walter O'Brien.

Ralph Dineen: And he taught me decryption. I didn't know it was bad.

Toby is trying to help a man who has been stabbed.

Toby Curtis: Happy, I gotta cross a line here. Do you have a tampon?

Happy Quinn: Excuse me?!

Toby Curtis: It'll absorb the blood, expand, increase the pressure, and stop the bleeding.

Happy Quinn: Toolbox, bottom compartment.

Happy Quinn: I can't believe this was online for seven years and you never said anything about it.

Sylvester Dodd: The fashion is unflattering and the dance is derivative.

Walter O'Brien: I apologize for everything I did to contribute to what Ralph went through today.

[pause]

Walter O'Brien: But--

Drew Baker: There it is.

Walter O'Brien: But I do want to note, those stolen CI files contained the identities of 43 undercover operatives. They in turn protected 356 source assets related to drug trafficking, gangs, loose nuclear material. By preventing the release of those files, Ralph saved innumerable lives today.

Drew Baker: I'm glad he could help. I'm just not sure it's a good idea for him to grow up this fast.

Walter O'Brien: Ralph sees us using our heads for good. He's learning how to be a grown-up genius someday. We're not trying to make him a grown-up now.

Charades [1.14]

Toby Curtis: You look frazzled.

Paige Dineen: Thank you.

Toby Curtis: Grumpy, too.

Paige Dineen: Sorry, I didn't sleep. I had a weird dream.

Walter O'Brien: About what?

Paige Dineen: [hiding the fact that the dream was about Walter] I don't remember the details.

Walter O'Brien: Not surprising. Our brains often protect us from disturbing dreams by suppressing our memories of them.

Paige Dineen: What does it mean when you remember a dream vividly?

Walter O'Brien: Means that we enjoyed it.

The team is trying to uncover a CIA analyst who gave stolen chemicals to a significant other.

Toby Curtis: Anyone here recently lost a lot of weight, trying to look good for someone?

Agent Miller: Tim, Leonard, and Susan have all dropped some weight.

Paige Dineen: Any vacation days? Especially Fridays and Mondays?

Walter O'Brien: What would that indicate?

Paige Dineen: Romantic three-day weekends. Ever had one?

Walter O'Brien: Kind of. She left after one day.

Walter O'Brien: Love is a semi-euphoric temporary chemical reaction.

Toby Curtis: Heart wants what the heart wants. So does the brain.

Happy Quinn: Who's gonna be Marvin?

Cabe Gallo: Well, Interpol's still doing a background on Sima, but there's no question she's probably dangerous. So I'll do it.

Walter O'Brien: No, you're Homeland, you're former FBI. She could have intel on our agents. We can't risk her ID'ing you.

Toby Curtis: Sylvester can't do it, he's a nervous wreck, he'd barf all over her.

Sylvester Dodd: I would.

Toby Curtis: I guess I'll have to do it. I just hope she doesn't fall in love with me, too.

Cabe Gallo: No. Intel indicates that she probably works alone, but we can't be too careful. We need someone to profile the crowd in that bar and make sure she has no collaborators.

Paige Dineen: So we're down to Walter? Am I the only person who just heard that phone call?

Walter O'Brien: Oh, I learned a lot from that exchange!

[later]

Paige Dineen: After hearing your performance on the phone, you're gonna need help. I'll be your Cyrano.

Walter O'Brien: The story of the guy with rhinophyma, the large nose disease.

Paige Dineen: You missed the whole love story?!

Walter O'Brien: I was focused on his medical condition.

Forget Me Nots [1.15]

Toby Curtis: Andrew.

Drew Baker: Just Drew, actually.

Toby Curtis: Right. And Drew's short for what, Michael?

Walter O'Brien: There's no such thing as luck, only good science and math.

Cabe Gallo: Hey! How come a bunch of geniuses can't answer a phone?!

Sylvester Dodd: I don't carry my phone on me. Radiation.

Happy Quinn: I was welding.

Paige Dineen: Mine's in my bag.

Walter O'Brien: Couldn't hear it over the rocket.

Cabe Gallo: Of course. And what about you, Doc?

Toby Curtis: I keep mine off; I owe a bookie.

Happy Quinn: Facts aren't useless. They're the foundation of rational thought.

Bruce: Make as many memories as you can. Cause at the end of the day, we don't get to decide the ones we keep.

Love Boat [1.16]

Toby Curtis: Well, this is highly illegal.

Walter O'Brien: I'm simply expediting things through technological intervention.

Toby Curtis: You're hacking into a site that charges for reservations to save the twenty bucks.

Walter O'Brien: Nope. They were fully booked.

Going South [1.17]

The blindfold is removed and Happy sees her teenage abductor for the first time.

Happy Quinn: Are you kidding me?

Paco: Who are you?

Happy Quinn: Very embarrassed person.

Paco: What?

Happy Quinn: I got kidnapped by a fourth grader.

Toby Curtis: Where you been?

Happy Quinn: I...got kidnapped

Toby Curtis: What?

Walter O'Brien: Kidnapped by who?

Happy Quinn: This guy. [pulls Paco inside the room] He wasn't good at it.

Toby Curtis: It astounds me that I have to remind you all that I had a medical degree from Harvard before most people had their drivers licenses.

Walter O'Brien: Oh, really? You went to Harvard? You hardly ever mention it.

Walter O'Brien: You recognize that gun? The motion sensor is calibrated to not shoot anything before the door. But it will take out anything that moves on the other side of it.

Toby Curtis: Unfortunately, that's the side you're on.

Happy Quinn: I improved your gun. You so much as move a trigger finger, you're dead.

...

Walter O'Brien: Now, I put a 24-hour battery on the motion sensor, so for your sake, I hope that you and your men are disciplined.

Toby Curtis: Now remember: Your nose does not itch.

Walter O'Brien: Toby!

Toby Curtis: Coming.

Once Bitten, Twice Die [1.18]

Sylvester Dodd: I'm pretty sure I just committed at least three felonies. I've seen Shawshank; I know what they do to guys like me in the big house.

Toby Curtis: D-Block Prom Queen.

Walter O'Brien: There are only four subjects worth studying: science & math, and math & science.

Cabe Gallo: We have to prevent these guys from transmitting any communications from this ranch....We can't let 'em know we muzzled 'em.

Walter O'Brien: They won't. They'll think their messages are being received because Sylvester will respond, posing as their associates.

Sylvester Dodd: Remember back at the garage when I said I was uncomfortable with deception?

Walter O'Brien: Uh huh.

Cabe Gallo: Uh huh.

Happy Quinn: Mm hmm.

Sylvester Dodd: Still uncomfortable.

Happy Quinn: Not sure where we are, but I know it's nowhere near the reptile sanctuary.

Paige Dineen: Now what, hitchhike?

Happy Quinn: I'm not showing leg!

Walter O'Brien: No, there's no time to hitchhike. [pause] Happy, I hear a truck. Quick! Punch me in the nose.

Happy Quinn: Finally.

Walter O'Brien: [groans] Good job.

Cabe Gallo: You kept [the ferret]?

Walter O'Brien: It saved my life. Least I could do was save it from becoming a snake's lunch. Toby named it Ferret Bueller. I don't understand the reference.

Young Hearts Spark Fires [1.19]

Toby Curtis: I've been collecting data on your shifting behavior patterns the past few months, and the result is an ironclad theorem that proves you have feelings for Paige.

Walter O'Brien: [laughs] That's preposterous.

Toby Curtis: Said the climate-change denier in the face of scientific evidence. While you're at it, how about you get no vaccines today? You wanna take this for a spin? Remember the reservation you made for a Valentine's Day "work dinner"?

Walter O'Brien: We never ended up having a meal.

Toby Curtis: OK, how about the new lavender diffuser in your office?

Walter O'Brien: That is to mask the smell of experiment-generated mouse urine.

Toby Curtis: That's disgusting. But also a lie. Pagie loves lavender; that handcream of hers is always stinkin' up the van. Finally: Coffee arabica....You put cinnamon in our pot here.

Walter O'Brien: It has anti-oxidants and improves brain function.

Toby Curtis: Cinnamon's for elves.

...

Walter O'Brien: And how old are you?

Toby Curtis: Thirteen months older than you, so show your elders respect.

Happy Quinn: If you had been holding onto the sat phone instead of me, we wouldn't be in this mess right now.

Toby Curtis: I was protecting you, it was instinctive.

Happy Quinn: It was stupid. You were an unbuckled 150-pound projectile.

Toby Curtis: 154. I've been working out.

Toby Curtis: Happy, I'm not gonna apologize for what I did earlier because I wanted to protect you. By now, I figured you'd know why. But in case you don't know, I want my last words to have some meaning. So Happy Quinn, I am in lov--

Toby is doused in fire extinguisher foam.

Toby Curtis: Perfect timing.

Crossroads [1.20]

Sylvester Dodd: Probability theory dictates that one cannot predict the future with any absolute certainty. But this is an exception. There is zero chance that she will accept your apology.

Toby Curtis: I'm not gonna apologize. I'm gonna grovel.

Sylvester Dodd: Understood, but still, there's a high likelihood that she will throw something at you.

Walter O'Brien: I don't have any feelings and even I'm uncomfortable watching this.

Cabe Gallo: Well, you know what they say. Good, fast, polite--pick two.

Cabe Gallo: Alright kids, if you need to hit the head, now's the time, because we're not stopping once we hit the road.

Sylvester Dodd: You know you're not our dad, right?

Cabe Gallo: Stop acting like kids, I'll stop acting like your dad.

Paige Dineen: You are not Normal. Who besides these guys computes tire tread on wheels they've seen for a split second?

Happy Quinn: And you knew to the inch where the supplies would be for my urinal-cake cannon.

Toby Curtis: Your what now?

Sylvester Dodd: You corrected me on the number of bullets fired by Hector and Jorge, and no one corrects me when it comes to math. But you were right.

Maya Hernandez: I'm good with numbers.

Sylvester Dodd: When you watch a pinwheel, can you replay it in your mind in slow motion to count the revolutions?

Maya Hernandez: Only when I'm bored.

Walter O'Brien: Yeah, you're a genius. I'm guessing 1-6-4 with a specialty in visual inferential mathematics. You can record and compute what you see.

Paige Dineen: Now, that explains the low EQ.

Maya Hernandez: What the hell is a low EQ?!

Toby Curtis: That.

Cliffhanger [1.21]

Happy Quinn: How long until we ditch this weasel?

Walter O'Brien: What you don't like pets?

Happy Quinn: I wasn't talking about the ferret.

Toby Curtis: How long are you gonna punish me for sleeping through our date?

Happy Quinn: What's your life span?

Toby Curtis: Lying billionaire says what?

Richard Elia: Huh?

Toby Curtis: Close enough.

Toby Curtis: Why's the kid in a monkey suit?

Paige Dineen: Picture day. So cute, he wanted to pick the outfit himself.

Toby Curtis: You don't see what's goin' on there?

Paige Dineen: No.

Toby Curtis: Hey, Ralphie boy, could you do Uncle Toby a favor and take off that jacket, you don't wanna get grease on it.

Happy Quinn: You better roll up those sleeves too, buddy, just to be safe.

Paige realizes that Ralph is dressed exactly like Walter.

Toby Curtis: Congratulations. You're raising Walter.

Paige Dineen: Oh God.

Postcards from the Edge [1.22]

Ralph Dineen: Hi Walter. It's me again. Can you call me back please? I promise my call will be efficient.

Sylvester Dodd: Birdroni lives!

Police Officer: Do you know what this badge means?

Happy Quinn: That you got D's in high school?

Season 2

Satellite of Love [2.1]

Toby Curtis: I'm like mold, sporing on aged cheese: At first it's gross, but it grows on you. And eventually you realize how precious it is, what a rare and wonderful fungus you have. You better hope by then, the fungus hasn't moved on.

Multiple phones suddenly start ringing.

Cabe Gallo: That would be NASA, NORAD, the UN, and NATO, all wanting to know about the unplanned missile launch.

Toby Curtis: Let the machine get it.

Walter O'Brien: The unmanned X-24G spacecraft!

Director Adriana Molina: Whoa, that's a top-secret spy shuttle! How do you even know about that?

Sylvester Dodd: That jet's the worst kept secret in the Air Force. Multiple blogs follow it.

Walter O'Brien: How long would it take you to make an EMP device?

Happy Quinn: Fast enough. I just need to get my hands on some microwave ovens.

...

Director Adriana Molina: Microwave ovens?

Sylvester Dodd: Well, how would you build an EMP?

Walter O'Brien: When I'm not at a hundred percent, it frightens me.

Walter O'Brien: Oh, that's a wrinkle.

Cabe Gallo: [listening on comms] What did he say?

Happy Quinn: "That's a wrinkle"?

Toby Curtis: What's a wrinkle?

Walter's parachute lands on the ground next to Cabe, Happy, and Toby.

Cabe Gallo: Oh, that's a wrinkle.

Happy Quinn: Not good.

Cuba Libre [2.2]

Cabe Gallo: Men don't talk about their medals.

Sylvester Dodd: Cabe, I don't see any parachutes! You knew we were gonna jump and you didn't tell me?

Cabe Gallo: Well, if I did you wouldn't have come.

...

Cabe Gallo: Have I ever put you in an unsafe situation?

Sylvester Dodd: All the time!

Cabe Gallo: Then you should be used to it.

Cabe Gallo: There's a good chance Zoric is gonna be armed; you ready for this?

Walter O'Brien: No.

Cabe Gallo: Alright, then I'll go first.

Sylvester Dodd: Guys, remember, Ernesto might by deaf, but Zoric is not. You need to be completely silent, or else he'll know someone's in there with him.

Toby Curtis: Good point, Professor Obvious. Walter, also remember: We're in Cuba, and the Earth is round.

Fish Filet [2.3]

Cabe Gallo: Who's Jackson Wyles?

Ralph Dineen: Nobody.

Cabe Gallo: There's two identical math sheets, one with your name on it, one with his.

Paige Dineen: Ralph, why are you doing someone's homework for them?

Ralph Dineen: To avoid injury.

Sylvester Dodd: That's a good reason

Cabe Gallo: Son, you can't let yourself get bullied. You gotta stand up for yourself. You know how to fight?

Paige Dineen: He's not fighting.

Cabe Gallo: That's the problem--he should be. Knock Jackson Wyles on his ass.

Happy Quinn: Nothing stops a punk faster than a shot right to the snout.

Paige Dineen: Thanks for the advice, but no.

Cabe Gallo: I got an idea.

Paige Dineen: Ralph, don't worry. I'm gonna set up a meeting with your principal and this Jackson Wyles' parents.

Sylvester Dodd: Involving the bully's parents might be poking the bear. Ralph, how fast can you run?

Paige Dineen: He's not going to run away. He's going to face his problems.

Toby Curtis: His problem is probably twice his size and skilled at wedgies and rear admirals.

Ralph Dineen: And the dreaded covered wagon.

Sylvester Dodd: Maybe he shouldn't be wearing underwear.

Paige Dineen: What?! I appreciate everyone's concern, but none of you are his mom.

Ralph Dineen: I can handle this.

Walter O'Brien: You can handle what? Everything OK, Ralph?

Paige Dineen: Some kid's making Ralph do his homework for him.

Walter O'Brien: Good, that is the perfect reason for Ralph to leave that school. He is smarter than everyone there, including the teachers. The guys and I will homeschool him from here.

Paige Dineen: Worst idea yet.

[Toby plays a recording in Paige's voice]: I think Toby's right. He's always right, or my name isn't Paige Dineen.

Toby Curtis: Tweaked Walt's voice-adaptation software. It'll record the basic tone of anyone's voice, then it perfectly mimics whatever you type in.... And it is clearly not the time to unveil it.

Paige Dineen: Thank God, this conversation's over. Sweetheart, I want you to avoid that boy today, and I'm gonna call Principal Pastorneck.

Ralph Dineen: Don't, I can handle this. Just give me one day?

Paige Dineen: Ok. Love you.

Sylvester Dodd: Stay strong.

Cabe Gallo: Hey, where you goin' kid? I just got the heavy bag up!

Ralph Dineen: I gotta go; you can teach me to hit people later.

The team is creating a fake identity for Sylvester, who is going undercover in prison.

Walter O'Brien: Your record's been input into the system: psychotic serial killer, sadism, torture, multiple counts. We just need a name for this psychopath.

Paige Dineen: Jackson Wyles.

Ray Spiewack: It's just temporary, until my app business takes off. Once I think of a good app.

Paige Dineen: You have to get it before 9:45, because Toby says it takes 15 minutes for the drugs to kick in, and you have to be dead before Ten-Ton comes to kill you.

Sylvester Dodd: I can't believe that sentence makes sense.

Toby Curtis: Holy TV stars!

News Correspondent: [on TV] I'm here with Ralph Dineen. Hi Ralph!

Ralph Dineen: [on TV] Hello.

Paige Dineen: Ralph get in here!

News Correspondent: [on TV] Ralph, I understand you've just been accepted to Harvard, MIT, Caltech, to name a few. Not bad for a 10-year-old. How did this happen?

Ralph Dineen: [on TV] I applied.

News Correspondent: [on TV] Really, does your mom--

[Ralph turns off TV]

Ralph Dineen: Now I'm a celebrity at school. Kids don't pick on celebrities.

Walter O'Brien: He's right. I mean, this was an efficient plan involving zero confrontation.

Paige Dineen: I never signed off on TV interviews.

[Ralph plays a recording in Paige's voice]: Of course you can speak to my son Ralph, I'm so proud of him.

Walter O'Brien: I've been saying for months that Ralph needs to ditch that school.

Ralph Dineen: I'm staying in elementary school. If I can't relate to humans, I'll turn out like you guys.

Robots [2.4]

Cabe is teaching Toby how to box.

Sylvester Dodd: The PSI on those jabs is averaging 129. On a power scale that's...

Cabe Gallo: Kitten. Sad kitten.

Deputy Director Cooper: Because this is a black operation, my information is need-to-know. Walter O'Brien, Cabe Gallo, Happy Quinn, join me in my SUV.

Toby Curtis: Hmm. Are you heading north or south? Ooh, eye flutter on south. Huntington? Long Beach? San Pedro? San Pedro it is. Meaning water. The ports.

Sylvester Dodd: A frigate!

Deputy Director Cooper: Can we leave now?

Toby Curtis: You can only take three of the team, so space is an issue. A submarine? It's a submarine, isn't it? Anyway, Homeland needs Scorpion's help for a black ops nuclear submarine mission deep in international waters off the coast of California? Yep!

Toby and Sylvester bump fists.

Walter O'Brien: They'll be needing me to code? I'll get my laptop.

Happy Quinn: And I will be building something, so I'll get my tools.

Sylvester Dodd: And I will get my party hat because I don't have to go on a submarine.

Cabe Gallo: And I'll be going to keep anyone from wanting to kill them.

Paige Dineen: That was painful. This whole experience has been painful.

Impound Lot Officer: Odd. Most people who come in here are real upbeat.

Paige Dineen: My people are smarter than your people....You don't want to wake up tomorrow knowing you could have saved 13 people who died because you followed the rules.

Walter O'Brien: I don't know how much longer they can last.

Ensign Nathan Hall: I didn't know you knew Morse code.

Walter O'Brien: I didn't before I got in the sub, but I figured it out.

Happy Quinn: Walt, we've got less than a minute now. This is normally when you think of something brilliant, so how's that coming?

Walter O'Brien: The escape pod. The oxygen tank could be used as an escape pod!

Happy Quinn: I asked for brilliant. I already told you there's too many bodies for buoyancy. We'll just sit there in the water.

Walter O'Brien: Yeah, normally we would, but in our present circumstances, we're likely to be propelled upward from the blast.

Ensign Nathan Hall: You really think we can ride the explosion of the submarine?

Walter O'Brien: Yes. [pause] Maybe, I don't know. Or we die.

Super Fun Guys [2.5]

Megan O'Brien: They're hopeful it gives me a better quality of life these last few months.

Sylvester Dodd: Don't say that.

Megan O'Brien: I thought geniuses liked facts.

Sylvester Dodd: Not that one.

Toby Curtis: If the collective IQ of NASA scientists had a baby with the brains of MIT researchers, they'd give birth to us.

Cabe Gallo: I'll go with. The guys holding the warhead might have men patrolling the base looking for anyone that might disrupt their $20 million deal.

Toby Curtis: I thought you had to leave your weapon at home because of customs. What can you do without a gun?

Cabe pinches Toby's shoulder and Toby collapses in pain.

Toby Curtis: Ahh! He can do that.

Walter O'Brien: I will never understand the allure of comic books. Superheroes, evil villains, it's nonsense.

Paige Dineen: We do it all the time.

Walter O'Brien: We aren't mortals who got powers from radiation exposure. We're simply organisms with abnormally dense brains that process glucose at a rate high enough to allow for advanced thought processing.

The team, except Sylvester, has to dress as characters from the Super Fun Guy comics as a disguise.

Toby Curtis: I'm startin' to think we should just let 'em have the nuke....With great responsibility comes great wedgie.

Cabe Gallo: This is just wrong.

...

Happy Quinn: Don't say anything.

Toby Curtis: Just friends.

Paige Dineen: I don't know how the actors move in these things.

Walter O'Brien: I want Homeland to double our fee. I feel absurd. I don't like feeling absurd.

Toby Curtis: What is that? points to Ray's "Team Scorpeon" T-shirt

Ray Spiewack: Just a T-shirt.

Happy Quinn: You are not part of Scorpion!

Ray Spiewack: But I live here.

Happy Quinn: So does a possum, in the rafter.

Ray Spiewack: Well, I did kinda help you guys, you know, get out of Kazakhstan.

Happy Quinn: But it's spelled wrong. We're a team of geniuses.

Ray Spiewack: Two P's. Got it.

Tech, Drugs, and Rock 'n Roll [2.6]

Happy Quinn: Hey, John McClane! Need a ride?

Walter O'Brien: Who's John McClane?

Happy Quinn: Just a movie, never mind.

[later]

Ray Spiewack: Dude! It is just like that move!

Walter O'Brien: Oh yeah, with John McCain.

Ray Spiewack: No, not quite.

Crazy Train [2.7]

Toby Curtis: You see that? She was just busy

Cabe Gallo: First stage of grief: Denial.

Toby Curtis: Grief over what?

Sylvester Dodd: The fact that your attempted romance with Happy is dead.

Toby Curtis: OK, no offense, but I'm not about to give weight to the psychiatric musings of a guy who uses a superhero lunch box and someone who still watches Bonanza.

Cabe Gallo: Second stage of grief: Anger.

Sarah Goldberg: Does Ralph play sports?

Paige Dineen: Ralph is more of an indoor cat.

Ralph Dineen: My telescope has a six-inch F8 reflector. Most are eight inches now, but I prefer the older version.

DOT Supervisor James Taggit: Situation red-lined moments ago, we're just trying to figure out--What the hell?!

Walter O'Brien: [on the phone] Relax, Mr. Taggit, that's just me. I've hacked your system, I'm giving the command for the train to slow down, but nothing is responding.

DOT Supervisor James Taggit: Question 1, who the hell are you? And question 2, how did you get into the DOT server?

Walter O'Brien: Answer 1, my name is Walter O'Brien. Answer 2, your security sucks. It's atrocious.

Walter O'Brien: Counterbalance is one of the keys to your survival.

Paige Dineen: One of the keys? What's the other?

Walter O'Brien: How often they empty the grease tracks at Chucky Burger.

Ralph Dineen: Give me the 9-volt battery from your stud finder.

Toby Curtis: Stud finder? I can't go near those things, they just go off.

Paige Dineen: Uh, you wanna fill me in here?

Ralph Dineen: Most electronic doors use a servomotor. A computer sends an electronic signal to unlock it. But since that computer isn't working, I'll send the signal myself.

The door unlocks.

Paige Dineen: That's why he doesn't have time for scouts.

Walter O'Brien: How far away is that train?

Sylvester Dodd: Its current path has it just a few minutes from you, heading towards the Olympic and Westwood stop. Why?

Walter O'Brien: 'Cause I'm getting on board.

Toby Curtis: Suicidal genius says what now?

...

Cabe Gallo: How the hell are you going to get on a train going 90 miles an hour?

Walter O'Brien: I presume with great caution!

Happy Quinn: Better hurry if you're gonna catch that train!

Walter O'Brien: Really?

Happy Quinn: I couldn't help myself.

Toby Curtis: There's three primal fears everyone shares: extinction--ceasing to exist; mutilation--having one's body boundaries infiltrated; and loss of autonomy--feeling entrapped or paralyzed. Being buried alive covers all three.

Walter O'Brien: I don't like this.

Paige Dineen: What, me taking a risk, or me using logic against you?

Walter O'Brien: Both.

Toby Curtis: I would give anything for Happy to care enough to slap me.

Cabe Gallo: Bargaining. Third stage of grief.

Toby Curtis: It's just so disheartening.

Cabe Gallo: And there's depression. I counted the gold coins; one of 'em's missing.

Toby Curtis: Oh, I'm not a thief, I just wanted to play Proton Arnold with a $2 million quarter.

Toby Curtis: I'm not lookin' for trouble I just need to see Happy...happy with Chet, and I then I'm at the fifth stage of grief.

Cabe Gallo: Acceptance.

Toby Curtis: And then I can move on.

Happy Quinn: Knock knock.

[silence]

Happy Quinn: Knock knock!

audience member: Who's there?

Happy Quinn: Matthew.

audience member: Matthew who?

Happy Quinn: Matthew could never do unless you had an IQ of 184!

[Audience is silent, except for Sylvester, who laughs hysterically]

Happy Quinn: Ammonium and sodium hypochlorite hook up at a bar. Everyone inside dies.

Sylvester Dodd: [laughing] It's funny because it's true!

Happy Quinn: I've been reading this great book on anti-gravity; I can't put it down. I have this new theory on inertia, but it's not gaining any momentum.

[Sylvester is having trouble breathing because he is laughing so hard.]

Happy Quinn: Thank you.

Walter O'Brien: Well, that was factual.

Area 51 [2.8]

Cabe Gallo: Identify yourself!

Mark Willis: Mark Willis, Central Intelligence.

Toby Curtis: CIA. Explains how he came in like a cloud. A dark cloud.

Mark Willis: Homeland's agreed to lend out Scorpion's services to my unit.

Toby Curtis: Oh, lucky us!

Mark Willis: For a significant payday.

Walter O'Brien: We're listening.

Toby Curtis: You guys have a secret airline? What kind of snacks are we talking?

Toby Curtis: Good luck with that. We'll take our cashier's check now!

Mark Willis: What if I doubled the fee?

Toby Curtis: No!

Walter O'Brien: Keep talking!

Walter O'Brien: There's nothing that we really can't explain.

Paige Dineen: What about death?

[pause]

Walter O'Brien: It is the breakdown of biological functions that support life.

Paige Dineen: See, you throw science at things that should be emotional.

Walter O'Brien: We process the world differently from most people. It's all it is. And truthfully, I know exactly what's going on with Megan.

Paige Dineen: There is a process to life that ends in unknown.

Walter O'Brien: [pushes intercom button] Toby?

Toby Curtis: What?

Walter O'Brien: Can you explain Megan's condition as it stands?

Toby Curtis: She has a bacterial infection in her lungs. Pneumonia.

Walter O'Brien: Why's that?

Toby Curtis: She has scarred, damaged lungs.

Walter O'Brien: Why?

Toby Curtis: She's inhaled small amounts of food and saliva that over time have damaged her lungs.

Walter O'Brien: Mmm hmm. Why is that happening?

Toby Curtis: Um, she can't swallow very well because of the MS.

Walter O'Brien: Explain.

Toby Curtis: The MS damaged some nerves in her brain, probably her medula.

Walter O'Brien: How come?

Toby Curtis: Her own immune system attacked the myelin sheaths around the nerves.

Walter O'Brien: Thank you, Toby. [turns off intercom] You see, we know everything we need to know

Paige Dineen: [turns on intercom] Toby, why is her own body attacking her nerves?

Toby Curtis: You know, we don't know.

US vs. UN vs. UK [2.9]

Paige Dineen: What are you doing to my son?

Ray Spiewack: Hey Peggy. I'm just helping him with his homework. His report card was a tad subpar.

Paige Dineen: He gets straight A's.

Ray Spiewack: Not in gym.

Paige Dineen: Ralph doesn't care about gym.

Toby Curtis: All boys care about gym. It's Lord of the Flies in there and getting picked last is painful. Trust me.

Paige Dineen: I'm not sure I like him telling you guys things instead of me.

Toby Curtis: He's one of us. We get him.

Toby Curtis: Oh, bollocks, his accent changed from Colin Firth to Michael Caine. Is anything about you real?!

Megan O'Brien: Please, Sylvester. Never again.

Sylvester Dodd: The intubation? Megan, Walter has a court order.

Megan O'Brien: Please?

Sylvester Dodd: OK. I'll find a way.

Happy Quinn: This is crazy that we're doing this, right?

Toby Curtis: Well, psychologically speaking, crazy is a catchall for a myriad of pathologies and circumstances. But yeah, this is nuttier than a fruitcake.

Walter O'Brien: I've controlled satellites from this computer. I can handle a thermostat.

Toby Curtis: Your last name's Spiewack, right? Is that Polish?

Ray Spiewack: As Polish as a bratwurst.

Toby Curtis: OK, that's German. Look, you know any Polish at all?

Ray Spiewack: I was raised by my Grandma Etoile.

Toby Curtis: And that's French. Look, we're on a case and we're in a bit of a bind. You're gonna hear some people in the background speaking Polish. I got my phone linked into my comm. I'm gonna need you to translate it back to me in English.

Ray Spiewack: De nada, amigo.

Toby Curtis: Now we have Spanish. Remind me to punch you when we get back.

Sylvester Dodd: Did you grab what we need?

Ray Spiewack: I couldn't get it on such short notice. But I did grab a couple of Band-Aids!

Sylvester Dodd: Ray is a licensed minister with the Immaculate Church of the Internet.

Arrivals and Departures [2.10]

The Old College Try [2.11]

Sylvester Dodd: Walter can't get in. Can I start hoarding cans of food now please?

Sylvester Dodd: Oh, no. I am not going back to college. College was the worst six months of my life.

Toby Curtis: I'm in! And I'm gonna do it right this time. College sucked hard for 14-year-old Tobias Curtis.

Paige Dineen: Guys, college is fun!

Walter O'Brien: College is a continued adolescence factory where parents subsidize years of nonsense instead of serious academic rigor.

Paige Dineen: Yeah. Fun.

Pi Upsilon member: Why do you want to go Pi Up?

Pi Upsilon rushee: School spirit, to help with your great charitable work, and of course, sisterhood.

Happy Quinn: I need a place to live, and this house has decent craftsmanship.

Pi Upsilon rushee: Um.. why are you here? Lots of us are away from home for the first time. I am. And I miss my real sisters, and I think this place might be good for me. And everyone here is so nice...Except you. You're kind of mean and sarcastic. [pause] Have you ever gotten homesick? Wouldn't it be nice to have a surrogate family?

Happy Quinn: I've thought about it from time to time.

Pi Upsilon rushee: Well, you can't truly have one until you lower that shield of yours.

Happy turns on the radio in her car.

Happy Quinn: I thought you could check one thing off your college bucket list.

Toby Curtis: We're going streaking?!

Happy Quinn: The dance, dummy.

While dancing, Happy rests her head on Toby's chest.

Toby Curtis: What are you doing?

Happy Quinn: Letting down my shield.

Dam Breakthrough [2.12]

Walter O'Brien: I haven't had a chance to spread them.

Toby Curtis: So you keep them in a coffee can in your glove compartment?!

Walter O'Brien: The urn they gave me was black. Megan hated black. And it's safe in there.

Sylvester Dodd: We were together for a short time, but we didn't waste any moments. So there's no regrets.

Cabe Gallo: Earthquake?

Happy Quinn: No, that was pressure crack from concrete at least 15 feet thick.

Everyone looks at her in surprise.

Happy Quinn: I know my concrete.

Toby Curtis: This is nuttier than George Washington Carver's lunchbox.

Walter O'Brien: Ralph, have you accessed the system?

Ralph Dineen: Almost there.

Paige Dineen: Uh, by the way, where's your sitter?

Ralph Dineen: Downstairs on her phone. I gave her a soda.

Happy Quinn: OK, that's the mark. And you gotta nail it.

Toby Curtis: Here goes.

Toby's throw is nowhere near the mark.

Toby Curtis/Happy Quinn: Not good.

White Out [2.13]

Cabe Gallo: You sure you know what you're doing?

Sylvester Dodd: I am a hypochondriac. I've been taking my own blood pressure since I was nine.

Walter O'Brien: Why is Sylvester administering you medical care?

Cabe Gallo: My doctor says my numbers are up. He wants me to check it every morning.

Paige Dineen: You're in good shape. Why would you have high blood pressure?

Toby Curtis: Happy New Year! I got bagels. throws a bagel and hits Cabe

Cabe Gallo: You were saying?

Happy Quinn: It's alright. It's just an accident.

Toby Curtis: Who are you and what have you done with Unhappy Quinn?

Sylvester Dodd: I know severe stress when I see it. Special Forces or not, the human body can only take so much.

Ralph Dineen: Captain Decker, your file says you're 28, so you were 18 in 2005.

Capt. Cody Decker: I guess so.

Ralph Dineen: My mom likes songs from when she was a teenager. I'll send you one from 2005. By the time it's over, you'll be 3 minutes and 49 seconds closer to being saved.

Toby Curtis: OK, God, maybe you can hear me. I know I don't really believe in you, but there's no atheists in foxholes. Or blizzards.

Deputy Director Cooper: Mr. Chairman--Doug--you will find a way to send a CH-53 Super Stallion to get them off that glacier, or I will call your wife and tell her it was you, not the nanny, who left the door open when the cat ran away. Julie really loved that cat.

Paige Dineen: I was worried that Ralph wouldn't connect with other people because he has no siblings, but he's got a whole bunch right here.

Walter O'Brien: Yeah, they're just not as mature as he is yet.

Sun of a Gun [2.14]

Paige Dineen: There is a fine line between honesty and insult.

Walter O'Brien: I do not see it. You are a hundred percent wrong.

Paige Dineen: Yes, clearly you do not see it.

Toby Curtis: Is this beef barley? How'd you know my favorite soup?

Ralph Dineen: Eat it. You look awful.

Ralph hands a tablet to Toby.

Toby Curtis: This is my favorite cartoon! You are the best sitter since Mrs. Claderman gave me pudding for dinner.

Kenneth Dood: You actually understand what these guys are saying?

Cabe Gallo: About half, and the rest I take on faith.

Paige is trying to create a distraction.

Paige Dineen: Here, lyrics. You're doing the boy part.

Walter O'Brien: OK...I'm doing what?

Paige Dineen: You're doing the boy part.

Toby Curtis: Oh God! I should be recording this.

Walter O'Brien: [sings] Don't go breaking my heart.

Happy Quinn: You got his favorite soup? Tea?

Ralph Dineen: Everything that you said.

Happy Quinn: OK, good boy. pays Ralph for baby-sitting Toby

Ralph Dineen: You always yell at Toby. Why'd you want me to do all this?

Happy Quinn: The truth is, I'm falling for the guy.

Ralph Dineen: Eww, gross.

Happy Quinn: I know, right?

Da Bomb [2.15]

Linda: All I remember is walking to my car after our date--

Toby Curtis: You didn't walk her to her car? I thought you said it went well!

Walter O'Brien: It's an antiquated sexist notion.

Fractured [2.16]

Walter O'Brien: Come on, Toby, this is hazelnut creamer!

Toby Curtis: And that's a table, and that's a chair. I'm pretty good at this game.

Walter O'Brien: You wrote "hazelnut" in front of creamer again on the grocery list. I hate hazelnut!

Toby Curtis: People like flavored creamers.

Walter O'Brien: Creamer is a flavor and you could have just written a different item under it.

Toby Curtis: You could just relax. Don't be such a creamer-screamer.

Walter O'Brien: I'm not screaming, though I could very easily if you don't stop that nonsense you've been pulling.

Toby Curtis: Really?

Walter O'Brien: Yes.

Paige Dineen: OK.

Walter O'Brien: Absolutely.

Paige Dineen: OK, this has gotta end.

Walter O'Brien: What does?

Sylvester Dodd: You two fighting constantly lately.

Cabe Gallo: She's right. You two argue like an old married couple.

Walter O'Brien: He's intentionally antagonistic.

Toby Curtis: Actually, I'm half antagonistic, on my mother's side. But my father? One hundred percent oppositional.

Walter O'Brien: Over the past weeks, your antics have gone from petty annoyance to overtly combative.

Toby Curtis: Objection. Inflammatory.

Paige Dineen: Overruled.

Toby Curtis: Objection. You can't make that call. You two are sweet on each other.

Paige Dineen/Walter O'Brien: Objection!

Toby Curtis: OK, if we're gonna play kangaroo court: I have to go out of pocket to sweeten my java because all we normally have here is regular creamer.

Happy Quinn: That honey is from Kovelsky's, it's free.

Toby Curtis: Immaterial.

Paige Dineen: You know what? You both suck. Your bickering is making everyone miserable.

Sylvester Dodd: Copy that.

Paige Dineen: You're being sent to couple's therapy.

Happy Quinn: Awesome!

Walter O'Brien: What? No.

Toby Curtis: I'm with jerkface.

Paige Dineen: Well, too bad. I manage this ball club.

...

Cabe Gallo: You heard the judge.

Ralph Dineen: Good job, Mom. Fair, but stern.

Paige Dineen: I may not be a genius, but I can still tell when you want something.

Sylvester Dodd: I promised your mother I'd keep you safe.

Paige Dineen: [on comms] What was that? What are you doing that's unsafe?

Ralph Dineen: I'm removing my comms, Mom. Sylvester can't see, so I can't have distractions while driving.

Paige Dineen: What?! Ralph? Sylvester!!

Ralph Dineen: I'd take my comms out, too. She sounded mad.

Sylvester Dodd: [removes ear mic] Oh God, I'm dead.

Man: Are you sure he knows what he's doing?

Sylvester Dodd: Absolutely. He's first in his class.

Man: Where, elementary school?!

Sylvester Dodd: Actually, Caltech. And elementary school.

Walter O'Brien: I'm sorry.

Toby Curtis: Huh?

Walter O'Brien: For whatever I did that made you so mad at me. I mean, I know I have relationship problems. I barely speak to my parents, and I can't date a woman for more than a few months. But I do try to be a cognizant friend to you, to Happy, Sly, 'cause we're supposed to understand each other....But if I'm making you so upset to where you're arguing with me about minutia, and I don't even know what I'm doing wrong, then I am not making as much progress as what I thought. It's disheartening.

Sylvester Dodd: Alright, Ralph. Let's be outdoor cats.

Walter O'Brien: I want to be a good friend, and not drive people crazy.

Toby Curtis: OK, that's it, I can't take the guilt anymore. Walter, you didn't do anything. Truth is, we both know I'm a little self-destructive and lately I've been on this roll. I love my job, I'm even doin' well at the ponies, and I can sabotage myself when I have all that I want. What is more self-destructive than picking a fight with your boss? Look man, I've never been happier in my life, and I don't know how to handle that, so I become a pain in the tuchas. That's on me. I'm sorry.

Walter O'Brien: Wow, that's messed up.

Happy Quinn: Really, Doc? You've really never been happier?

Adaptation [2.17]

Toby Curtis: [using a puppet and mocking voice] My name's Walter O'Brien. I have the fourth-highest IQ ever recorded, 197. Einstein's was 160.

Walter O'Brien: Yes, they're both facts.

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto: But what is he saying?

Walter O'Brien: Mm-hmm.

Toby Curtis: I'm saying you have a superiority complex.

Walter O'Brien: But I am superior.

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto: Ah, ah, ah! If you want your feelings to be felt, you must use the felt.

Walter O'Brien: [using puppet] My name is Toby. I went to Harvard. I chase Happy Quinn around like a schoolboy. I probably wear this hat in the shower.

Toby Curtis: You see? Just attacks the hat.

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto: Nah, forget the hat. The hat is stupid. Who's Happy Quinn? Walter might have some unconscious concerns about her to bring her up now.

Walter O'Brien: No, very conscious. His obsession with her affects his efficacy.

Toby Curtis: She's not...she's a friend, friend from work.

[buzzer]

Toby Curtis: What the hell is that?

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto: That's my nuttin' button. When you say something that's nuttin' but a lie [buzz].

Toby Curtis: I didn't lie.

[buzzer]

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto: Lie by ommission. You said friend twice, back to back. Repetitive proximity pattern. You and Happy are more than friends.

Toby Curtis: Please, I'm not about to be analyzed by someone whose degree came with pop-up ads.

[buzzer]

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto: Right to dismissive word choice.

Walter O'Brien: There's no fraternization at work.

Toby Curtis: We're not fraternizing at work.

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto: Notice his use of the qualifier "at work"?

Walter O'Brien: He did! He used a qualifier!

Toby Curtis: Yeah, but... No!

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto: Tobias, a little rumscuttle with someone you care about, nothing to be ashamed of. But therapy only works in conjunction with honesty. So, are you involved in amorous congress with Miss Quinn or not? We await your answer.

[pause]

Toby Curtis: Oh crap.

Ralph Dineen: I can't believe Walter bought us a cotton candy machine!

Walter O'Brien: Yeah, I can't believe it either. But it just got delivered here?

Toby Curtis: I didn't know what was in the box, I just signed for it. Someone must have stolen your credit card number.

Sylvester Dodd: You were mad at Walter, so you charged a bunch of expensive nonsense to the corporate card just to annoy him?

Toby Curtis: Your Super Fun Guy pinball machine arrives tomorrow.

Sylvester Dodd: Sweet.

Happy Quinn: You're holding the bunny way too tight, Lennie.

Delivery Man: Hey, I got a pair of jet skis for O'Brien.

Happy Quinn: Let's get out of here before you get fired.

Toby Curtis: Yep.

The Fast and the Nerdiest [2.18]

Mick Doherty: Keep your voice down, I don't want anyone hearin' this.

Cabe Gallo: You kiddin' me?

Cabe opens the blinds to reveal the whole team standing on the other side.

Toby Curtis: We only heard all of it.

Ticker [2.19]

Walter O'Brien: Call Know-It-All.

Phone Voice Response: Calling Know-It-All.

Toby's phone rings; caller ID reads Ego-Maniac.

Toby Curtis: I don't often play the med school card, but I went to Harvard.

Happy Quinn: Seriously?

Toby Curtis: First thing when you wanna get something out of someone: make them comfortable. Don't say anything blunt or harsh. In other words, Happy, don't be yourself.

Happy Quinn: I'd be offended by that if it weren't so true.

Toby Curtis: Oh my God.

Sylvester Dodd: I know. Long rap sheet for a juvenile.

Toby Curtis: No, I mean his student council photo. Are those parachute pants?

Djibouti Call [2.20]

Tim Armstrong: I'm excited to work with a team of geniuses. What are they like?

Cabe Gallo: They're unique.

[later]

Walter O'Brien: Toby, you might wanna take your bra off; Cabe's trainee arrives today.

Ralph Dineen: Just dance, monkey!

Toby Curtis: It's not the first time that the mentally enabled got hoodwinked for believing everyone's as straightforward as we are.

Sylvester Dodd: Ostracized for being too smart. You know, it's Mensa all over again!

Heywood Jahelpme Morris: You've been discriminated against before for being a genius?

Sylvester Dodd: Sort of. Picked on.

Toby Curtis: Treated different.

Happy Quinn: Shut out.

Sylvester Dodd: But not discriminated against.

Heywood Jahelpme Morris: Uh...Who here has the law degree?

Toby Curtis: I hope that was rhetorical.

Tim Armstrong: Are they always like this?

Cabe Gallo: No, sometimes they're weird.

Toby Curtis: What's up Honey Bear Kitten Pie?

Happy Quinn: Nothing, you Stupid Dummy Moron Jerk.

Twist and Shout [2.21]

Walter O'Brien: We're friends. We're co-workers.

Toby Curtis: Oh, that's right. That's my mistake. I keep forgetting because of the way you look, feel, and talk about her.

Paige Dineen: Are you ready for your presentation?

Ralph Dineen: I am. But why'd you have to have Sylvester stay back and watch me?

Paige Dineen: Because he can do software support from the garage, and we won't be back 'til tomorrow, and he doesn't charge, and baby-sitters do. Why? You love Sylvester!

Ralph Dineen: I do. But he's very...enthusiastic.

Sylvester Dodd: [wearing a "GO RALPH!" T-shirt] Packed house! I am so excited for your presentation!

Ralph Dineen: I can see.

Toby Curtis: Wow, even you don't speak Vietnamese.

Walter O'Brien: Well, I could in an hour!

John Pandova: What the heck is he doing?!

Paige Dineen: It's been my experience that if you wait a beat, he usually explains himself.

Walter O'Brien: Ralph, you need to link your software program to the satelite...it can get us satelite data in real time.

Ralph Dineen: I don't think that's a good idea. My professor failed me.

Walter O'Brien: Who cares? Your professor is a human; you are genius. Now, I have faith in your mind, but if you don't, there is no point in you having your ability.

Hard Knox [2.22]

Agent Cooke: I need proof. And the only way to prove Fort Knox isn't secure is to break in.

Toby Curtis/Sylvester Dodd: Crazy man says what now?

Happy Quinn: We can do it.

Toby Curtis: Really? What makes you think you can handle a switcharoo Indiana Jones couldn't pull off? A giant boulder almost crushed him.

Walter O'Brien: Who's Indiana Jones, a state senator?

Walter O'Brien: I used to think that I had the fourth-highest IQ in the world. But now I realize that you have dropped me down to number 5.

Ralph Dineen: That got you upset?

Walter O'Brien: No! No, what upset me was that you were willing to slow down for me, to let me go down the wrong road when that would have hindered you because I couldn't grasp your work. Never hobble your intelligence for anyone. Because if you do that in this garage, imagine what you'll have to do out there. With the humans. The world needs to catch up to you. Because if it can just a little, imagine what a beautiful place it could be.

Chernobyl Intentions [2.23]

Toby Curtis: In the early years of Scorpion, Mark Collins showed incredible brilliance. One of the smartest members on the team. He amazed me, all of us. He also scared us.

Judge: How so?

Toby Curtis: He gets lost in his own mind, his thoughts and his theories. And if you disagree with one of his constructs, he lashes out, gets violent.

Mark Collins: He's just jealous.

Judge: Mr. Collins, you will have your chance to speak.

Toby Curtis: See that look he has? That's a 1. You don't want to see him at 10.

Judge: As someone who has worked with the applicant and known him in a personal capacity, do you have an opinion regarding his potential release from this facility?

Toby Curtis: Well as a former colleague, and as a psychiatrist with a degree from Harvar--

Mark Collins: Harvard Medical School. Big deal. I don't need some elbow-patch professor to tell me what to think. I can create my own knowledge.

Toby Curtis: Create your own reality.

Mark Collins: You've always hated me because I came between you and Walter. Because I was his favorite mind. We went places together that you could never even fathom, Toby. All up here.

Toby Curtis: I'm sure it's lovely in there with all the elf socials and unicorn parties.

Judge: Dr. Curtis, I just simply need your opinion for the record with respect to Mr. Collins' sanity. How sane is he?

Toby Curtis: Medically speaking, he's nuttier than peanut brittle.

Mark Collins: I WILL KILL YOU!

Walter O'Brien: Why do we keep getting invoices from the United States Treasury?

Paige Dineen: 'Cause we flooded Fort Knox.

Walter O'Brien: Oh, right. Well, tell them Homeland will cover it.

Oksana Nastrova: Chernobyl power plant. In terms of cost and casualties, worst nuclear accident in history. Now, only a fraction of the cesium in the reactor actually melted down.

Sylvester Dodd: Don't say we're going there, don't say we're going there...

...

Cabe Gallo: Get your passports.

Sylvester Dodd: I wish I didn't even have a passport.

Happy Quinn: We won't have to go in there thanks to old RANDY here.

Cabe Gallo: Randy?

Happy Quinn: Radiation And Nuclear Deployment Yeoman.

Walter O'Brien: How 'bout VIRGIL? VIrtual Reality Gyroscopic Laborer?

Sylvester Dodd: HOWARD. Humanoid-Out-Wandering-About Radiation Device.

Happy Quinn: Heh heh heh, his name's Randy.

Toby Curtis: It'll be Chernobyl 2: The Sequel. Nine out of ten sequels are worse than the original!

Paige Dineen: There's no way down.

Walter O'Brien: Actually, there is, I just didn't mention it earlier.

Paige Dineen: Is it borderline insane?

Walter O'Brien: Uh, it goes slightly beyond the border.

...

Walter O'Brien: OK, when I say 'now,' step off.

Paige Dineen: I'm just not gonna look.

Walter O'Brien: I think that's wise.

Toby Curtis: Hey, Big Brain? I'm taking the company car. Keys please.

Walter O'Brien: We don't have a company car.

Toby Curtis: Your new car's the company car. We voted. It's really nice.

Toby or Not Toby [2.24]

Walter O'Brien: Where is Toby? I didn't see my car in the parking lot.

Sylvester Dodd: You mean the company car?

Walter O'Brien: About that. I missed the vote where my car became the company car.

Sylvester Dodd: Well, it was a landslide. Your vote wouldn't have mattered.

Walter O'Brien: Where are they?

Toby Curtis: What?

Walter O'Brien: My car keys, where are they?

Toby Curtis: To the company car?

Walter O'Brien: IT'S MY CAR, WHERE ARE THEY?!

Toby Curtis: On my desk. Where're you going?

Walter O'Brien: I'm gonna stop Paige. I uh, I love her. I'm a moron.

Toby Curtis: Nope. You're just a genius.

Season 3

Civil War [3.1]

More Civil War [3.2]

It Isn't the Fall that Kills You [3.3]

Happy Quinn: Last time you did this?

Cabe Gallo: Thirty years ago.

Happy Quinn: Wow, I'm not even thirty.

Little Boy Lost [3.4]

Paige Dineen: What are you doing anyway?

Walter O'Brien: Just a project that will make humanity eternally grateful. Fixing the hot dog.

Paige Dineen: You just stamped these satisfactory, you didn't even fill out the comments section.

Walter O'Brien: Yes I did. I wrote "no comment."

Paige Dineen: The team could use some positive feedback.

Walter O'Brien: Every Friday they get a paycheck. That is their positive feedback.

Plight at the Museum [3.5]

Toby Curtis: So you did kiss!

Walter O'Brien: It's not like we enjoyed it.

Happy Quinn: It was gross!

Walter O'Brien: Come on.

Toby Curtis: So speeding things up was an option, but you didn't consider it because it could affect you negatively. What about me? Or Happy? Or Tobias Merriweather Curtis Jr.?

Cabe Gallo: Merriweather?

Toby Curtis: It's a family name.

Museum Director: Scorpion's the only group that will work without insurance coverage.

Paige Dineen: I've been trying to get them to buy insurance for two years.

Walter O'Brien: Humans need insurance coverage. We're Scorpion; we don't make mistakes.

Toby Curtis: Genius is hereditary, it's not guaranteed. We could have a Normal. I do not relate well to Normals. Happy neither.

Paige Dineen: Well, if I can raise a genius child, you can raise a Normal. Trust me, raising a genius child isn't easy; I have five of them.

Walter O'Brien: Look for the light at the end of the tunnel!

Cabe Gallo: Doesn't even know he made a joke.

Walter O'Brien: It's a divorce gift, for your baby.

Happy Quinn: It's hideous. And heavy.

Walter O'Brien: It's protective! Did you know that on aircraft you're exposed to as much radiation as a chest x-ray?

Happy Quinn: I'm a genius, I know most things.

Walter O'Brien: Well, what if you're on a plane with Tobias Merriweather Curtis Jr.?

Happy Quinn: Merriweather?

Toby Curtis: Yeah, I need to tell you something about my middle name. It's Merriweather.

Happy Quinn: You said it was Marcus!

Bat Poop Crazy [3.6]

We're Gonna Need a Bigger Vote [3.7]

Sly and the Family Stone [3.8]

Mother Load [3.9]

Toby Curtis: You're letting the weight of your emotional baggage crash your Paige plane. You see, you control how you react to this unforeseen development.

Paige Dineen: Toby, I swear I will stuff my foot in your business like you're a Thanksgiving turkey!

Toby Curtis: And our session is complete.

Paige Dineen: What was your hourly private practice rate?

Toby Curtis: It was $400/hour. Problem was racetrack made $500.

Paige Dineen: Well here's twenty bucks, you're retained. Patient confidentiality, you cannot tell anyone on the team.

Toby Curtis: Legally I can't, but I wouldn't anyway if you had just asked. That being said, I'm keeping the twenty.

...

Paige Dineen: I mean, you have no idea how manipulative she is. One conversation and she has you doubting yourself.

Toby Curtis: This is not worth twenty dollars.

Happy Quinn: That's not a lot of time.

Walter O'Brien: Well, there's never enough time.

Veronica Dineen: Speaking of kids, how's my grandson?

Toby Curtis/Paige Dineen: He's delightful. / None of your business!

Toby Curtis: I mean none of your business.

Happy Quinn: There's a GPS killswitch on the engine....I'll try and override it.

Paige Dineen: When you rented this truck, what did you do?

Veronica Dineen: I said I had a rented truck. I never said I rented a truck. Someone with a credit card ending in 3939 rented it, technically.

Paige Dineen: Great the credit card company picked up the fraud and the rental place used the GPS to shut down the truck. Thanks, Mom! If millions of people die, it'll be your fault!

Veronica Dineen: How could I know about GPS switches? I've been in prison for six years!

Cabe Gallo: Prison?

Walter O'Brien: Prison?

Sylvester Dodd: Prison?

Ralph Dineen: Grandma's a jailbird.

Toby Curtis: That's your gated community in Arizona?!

Cabe Gallo: On behalf of the United States Government, I am hereby commandeering this Super Fun Guy balloon.

This is the Pits [3.10]

Wreck the Halls [3.11]

Ralph Dineen: I like packing. It's like Tetris.

Toby Curtis: Let me guess, Tetris comparison was your idea?

Paige Dineen: Handling geniuses is literally my job description.

Walter O'Brien: Did someone mention Tetris? You know, the geometrical construct of that game has applications in computational complexity theory.

Paige Dineen: Interesting. Why don't you take your bag and go play it with Ralph?

Walter O'Brien: Excellent idea!

Toby Curtis: You're good at your job.

Tim Armstrong: I'm a pissed off ex-Navy Seal and even I'm scared of her.

Ice Ca-Cabes [3.12]

Happy Quinn: She was begging you to take her to that Italian joint!

Cabe Gallo: No, I'm pretty sure that was just a conversation between two adults.

Paige Dineen: Alright adults, let's hit it. Cabe, she wanted you to ask her out. You suck at girls.

Happy Quinn: What's up?

Toby Curtis: Turbine's hot. So are you by the way. Love that rubber boots/mechanic outfit combo.

Happy Quinn: Let me guess, save it for the honeymoon.

Toby Curtis: If you could.

Faux Money Maux Problems [3.13]

Walter O'Brien: In the wake of Tim's recent departure, it was made clear to me that my decision-making could be a bit--

Happy Quinn: Tyrannical.

Walter O'Brien: I was going to say unilateral. But your input is heard, and appreciated.

Toby Curtis: Overcompensation by way of agreeability and inclusion. Got it.

Walter O'Brien: Wrong! But appreciated. Anyway, we're a team, everyone's feelings should be heard, not just mine.

Cabe Gallo: Anyone who graduated middle school knows the conch method. It's from Lord of the Flies.

Toby Curtis: You know this'll flame out when you eventually snap like a rubber band. Being genial isn't your nature.

Walter O'Brien: Wrong! But appreciated.

The Hole Truth [3.14]

Happy Quinn: Paige gave you some tools to be a quasi-human. You just gotta use 'em.

Veronica Dineen: What the hell happened here?

Paige Dineen: I left Walter in charge.

Paige Dineen: Guys? I'm gonna need help opening an offshore account.

Sharknerdo [3.15]

Paige Dineen: What is this?....We're doing the Department of Energy server upgrade today.

Walter O'Brien: Nope. That job has been postponed indefinitely.

Paige Dineen: What? I spent weeks landing that contract.

Cabe Gallo: And Walt spent minutes dismantling it.

Paige Dineen: Explanation. Now.

Walter O'Brien: Well, it's quite simple, really. Our point person at the DOE kept saying he was going to pay us a hundred and nine thousand dollars.

Paige Dineen: Yes, that's what we agreed to. One hundred nine thousand.

Walter O'Brien: No-o-o that's not what he said.

Happy Quinn: Here we go.

Walter O'Brien: He said a hundred AND nine thousand dollars. That's a hundred dollar bill, and nine thousand dollars. That's substantially less than our fee.

Paige Dineen: For the love of God, Walter, it's an expression.

Walter O'Brien: "Make haste not waste" is an expression. "A penny for your thoughts" is an expression.

Paige Dineen: "Not playing with a full deck" is an expression!

Walter O'Brien: Exactly, but what the DOE rep said was mathematically inaccurate. And I told him. Repeatedly. People don't wanna better themselves?

Paige Dineen: The irony of that question is completely lost on you, isn't it?

Paige Dineen: That's your plan?! You want me to punch a shark in the nose?!

Keep it in Check, Mate [3.16]

Sylvester Dodd: Hey Ralph, can you help me out with this motor?

Ralph Dineen: I wouldn't be of much service. I'm a bit distracted today.

Toby Curtis: What's wrong, buddy?

Ralph Dineen: Something at school.

Walter O'Brien: Is it physics? Calculus? We can help.

Ralph Dineen: Two girls asked me to the Valentine's Dance.

Sylvester Dodd: We can't help.

Ralph Dineen: I don't know who to pick. I don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings.

...

Walter O'Brien: That's an easy solve. Take them both, alternate dancing with them every other song. Efficient.

Ralph Dineen: I don't think they'll like that very much.

Sylvester Dodd: Ralph, don't stress. The probability of either of these girls being the one is very low. Only 2 percent of childhood sweethearts wind up together.

Paige Dineen: Sweethearts? What are you guys chatting about?

Ralph Dineen: Nothing. Sociology. Ride's here, gotta go.

Paige Dineen: Bye... What just happened here?

Walter O'Brien: Here? Nothing.

Paige Dineen: Does Ralph have a sweetheart?

Toby Curtis: Sorry, can't answer. Bro code.

Sylvester Dodd: Yeah. Bro code. [Paige twists his ear] Ahh! Ralph got asked to the Valentine's Dance by two different girls and he doesn't know what to do!

Paige Dineen: Why wouldn't he come to me with this problem?

Toby Curtis: Yeah, boys love to go to their moms with girl problems.

Walter O'Brien: He trusts us to give sound advice.

Paige Dineen: About girls?! What's next, you guys gonna teach him how to play football?!

...

Walter O'Brien: That football comment, that was sarcasm right?

Toby Curtis: No, she really thinks you should teach Ralph how to tackle.

Walter O'Brien: I think that was more sarcasm.

Cabe Gallo: OK, one of you get online and win your way into that tournament. [no one moves] What's the hold up?

Walter O'Brien: We don't play chess.

Toby Curtis: Not anymore.

Cabe Gallo: Why the hell not?!

Paige Dineen: Why are we looking at a coat hook?

Toby Curtis: That is not a coat hook; that is a coat rook. Wound up in this wall five years ago.

Walter O'Brien: After a week-long chess tournament.

Sylvester Dodd: A tournament that went horribly wrong.

Paige Dineen: You threw a rook in the wall?

Walter O'Brien: Wasn't me.

Toby Curtis: Nope.

Sylvester Dodd: It was a three-way tie for points! I was about to engage a masterful attack: the bishop's gambit. But then Walter sneezed on my knight.

Walter O'Brien: It was an accident.

Sylvester Dodd: J'accuse! My knight was covered in your mucus. The one piece I needed just happened to be the one you doused with your filth.

Walter O'Brien: One, I do not have the ability to aim my mucus. Two, you could have cleaned it off.

Sylvester Dodd: Not without touching it! I played half the game with a dead pony!

Toby Curtis: At checkmate, Sly whipped this rook at Walt's head.

Cabe Gallo: Not a half-bad arm.

Sylvester Dodd: It was unbecoming.

Walter O'Brien: So we vowed never to play the game again for the sake of the team, and our friendship.

Toby Curtis: Chess is a gateway game. Start with the pawns, wind up at the poker table. And Happy doesn't play, there's no building involved.

Sylvester Dodd: I'm a wildcard!

Walter O'Brien: So am I. And I had enough time to make this. [shows Sylvester a gif of Walter dancing across the computer screen, saying "I got in first"]

Walter O'Brien: I hope your hands don't freeze in the cold, it might affect your game.

Sylvester Dodd: I could beat you with my feet.

Sylvester Dodd: Now I'm stumped. I got three ways I could beat you, and I don't know which one to choose. I know, I'll use the pawn; they never get to be the hero.

Sylvester Dodd: We checkmated ourselves.

Walter O'Brien: Did you ever think I'd be giving emotional advice to a genius?

Toby Curtis: It's the blind leading the blind.

Ralph Dineen: Mom, I really need your help with the dance....It seems at these things they use the word as a verb as well as a noun. And I don't know how to do the verb.

Dirty Seeds Done Dirt Cheap [3.17]

Don't Burst My Bubble [3.18]

Walter O'Brien: Did you see what I just did? I asked Paige if she was OK and even though she told me an obvious lie, I let her be. She clearly doesn't want to get into it. I'm making progress. Good for me!

Happy Quinn: I'm going to Lancaster....I fell asleep waiting for a response from an internet chat mechanic. She said she would send me something over, but when I woke up, she still hadn't responded. Doesn't make any sense. She's more detail-oriented than you and I put together.

Walter O'Brien: Doubtful. If that were the case she would've sent you the specs.

Happy Quinn: She is and she hasn't. Something's up.

...

Walter O'Brien: Emotional concern for a fellow mechanic. Fascinating. You know, I think that we're both...evolving.

Happy Quinn: Good for us.

Walter O'Brien: You'd be very impressed with this newfound handle I have on my emotional state. Now, Paige and Tim are having issues--

Toby Curtis: That's not a shock. A distance of 7600 miles ain't good for love.

Walter O'Brien: Yes, as I was saying, she's hurting, so she needed space and I gave it to her. I'm making progress. Good for me!

Toby Curtis: Where's Happy? We have wedding cake to taste, a wedding band to hear, and she still hasn't given me a guest list, despite me being very annoying about it.

Walter O'Brien: Oh, she went to Lancaster to find her gearhead friend.

Toby Curtis: To track down a nutbar who knows his way around power tools?! Did you ever think of convincing her not to go?!

Walter O'Brien: You need space. I'm gonna give it to you.

Ada Pearce: What's your favorite color, Happy?

Happy Quinn: Chrome.

Ada Pearce: Good answer.

Toby Curtis: You know why you're so worried? She's your friend, and you are pushing so hard and being a pill with all of us because you don't want to lose that friend.

Happy Quinn: She's someone from a chatroom!

Toby Curtis: I've been trying to figure out why it's taken so long to get that guest list from you for the wedding. It's 'cause you have no friends to invite outside of Scorpion.

Happy Quinn: That's ridiculous.

Toby Curtis: You have spent your whole life convinced you are incapable of friendships with humans. But you bonded with Ada. Whether you like it or not, you have a real, normal, non-Scorpion friend! And that friend has no immune system, a vat of honey for a home, and an oxygen tank with four minutes left on it. And you don't wanna lose her.

Walter O'Brien: One cannot be a friend if one is not available to said friend.

Toby Curtis: OK, that's it. Where do you learn this nonsense?

Walter O'Brien: It's not nonsense. It's the 8 Smart Steps Certain to Make a Perfect Pal.

Toby Curtis: Where'd you get that, some stupid magazine? Holy Cosmo! You're getting relationship advice from a supermarket checkout rag!

Walter O'Brien: Keep it down. Paige and I have been getting on better since we decided to be caring friends to each other, but I was concerned that I would eventually do something to mess that up. So I did research to avoid that.

Toby Curtis: The New England Journal of Medicine is research. You read a periodical with pictures of One Direction.

Paige Dineen: Tim took the promotion because we both realized it wasn't gonna work out between us.

Walter O'Brien: Oh. I'm sorry. I'll give you some space.

Paige Dineen: Walter? I know what you're doing. Being a good listener, giving me space, being understanding--

Walter O'Brien: Did you hear us both talking? Because just 'cause I got it from a ladies' magazine doesn't mean I'm not sincere.

Paige Dineen: I--I didn't hear anything. But I appreciate you trying. And I do feel like you're being sincere.

Walter O'Brien: Well, um, sincerely, I am sorry that you're sad about Tim.

Toby Curtis: Spiked punch! Just like a real prom.

Cabe Gallo: Like you'd know.

Paige Dineen: Don't drink the punch, Ralph.

Monkey See, Monkey Poo [3.19]

Broken Wind [3.20]

Rock Block [3.21]

Toby Curtis: This light is here for a reason, so insane people don't open the door while the turbine is on. So stand back while I open it.

Paige Dineen: You just brokered a peace treaty. Like a real statesman!

Sylvester Dodd: I almost threw up twice.

Paige Dineen: Let's keep that between us.

Strife on Mars [3.22]

Toby Curtis: You are the one brain I can't crack, 197.

Recurring Lines

Opening lines: My name is Walter O'Brien. I have the fourth-highest IQ ever recorded, 197. Einstein's was 160. When I was 11, the FBI arrested me for hacking NASA to get blueprints for my bedroom wall. Now, I run a team of geniuses attacking worldwide threats only we can solve. Toby's our behaviorist, Sylvester's a human calculator, Happy a mechanical prodigy. Agent Cabe Gallo's our government handler. And Paige? Well, Paige isn't like us. She's normal. She translates the world for us while we help her understand her genius son. Together, we are Scorpion.

Happy Quinn: Not good.

Cast

Elyes Gabel - Walter O'Brien
Katharine McPhee - Paige Dineen
Robert Patrick - Agent Cabe Gallo
Eddie Kaye Thomas - Tobias M. "Toby" Curtis, MD
Jadyn Wong - Happy Quinn
Ari Stidham - Sylvester Dodd
Riley B. Smith - Ralph Dineen
Camille Guaty - Megan O'Brien
Brendan Hines - Drew Baker
Daniel Zolghadri - Young Walter
David Fabrizio - Merrick (season 1)
Andy Buckley - Richard Elia
Alana de la Garza - Adriana Molina (season 2)
Kevin Weisman - Ray (season 2)
Peri Gilpin - Katherine Cooper (season 2)

External links

Wikipedia

Wikipedia has an article about:

Scorpion (TV series)

Official website
Scorpion quotes at the Internet Movie Database
Scorpion at TV.com