Rick Mercer Report

Rick Mercer Report (or the Mercer Report; formerly known as Rick Mercer's Monday Report or simply Monday Report) is a Canadian television comedy series which airs on CBC Television. Launched in 2004 and hosted by comedian Rick Mercer, the weekly half-hour show combines news parody, sketch comedy, visits to interesting places across Canada, and satirical editorials, often involving Canadian politics.

Rick Mercer Quotes

Season 4

October 24, 2006 [4.4]

Announcer: Hey, Americans, come to Canada. Now with no GST rebate for tourists. That's right, the visitor rebate program has been canceled! So now you can fully enjoy our Canadian taxes.

Male American tourist: Wherever we go, we like to live like the locals.

Female American tourist: Experiencing your exotic tax system makes us feel like Canuckians!

Announcer: Central Canada lost thirty thousand full-time jobs last month, and recession fears are growing. So why not come to where the jobs are? North Korea! We're looking for qualified applicants in the fields of geology, seismology, radioactive leak cleanup, public relations, and mathematics - the kind that measures arcs [Shows graphic of a missile arcing through the atmosphere from North Korea to Washington DC]. Just bring your resume and a two-year supply of food! North Korea - where business is booming.

November 7, 2006 [4.6]

[Skit entitled: Behaviour Modification School for Candidates]

Instructor: Let's say you're a Liberal.

Student (Mercer): [Claps hands eagerly] I'm a Liberal! I'm a Liberal!

Instructor: Do you think Quebec should be recognized as a nation inside of Canada?

Student: [Firmly] Yes. I believe that Quebec should be rec-[A board hits him over the head] Owww! What the hell?!

Instructor: No, wrong.

Student: He hit me with a board!

Instructor: Do you believe Quebec should be recognized as a nation inside of Canada?

Student: [Warily] Uh, no. [Stronger] I do not believe that Quebec is- [Another board hits his head] Owww! Ahhh!

Instructor: Do you believe Quebec should be recognized as a nation inside of Canada?

Student: [Confused and frightened] I just think that all the provinces should be happy and be in a happy place where they're in a happy land of happiness?

Instructor: Correct!

November 21, 2006 [4.7]

[In a skit about Quebec bar owners protesting a smoking ban, Mercer (playing the bar owner) stands in a room so smoky it is impossible to see anything.]

Bar owner: I care about the health of my patrons, and that's why I created two separate rooms: one for chain smokers and one for the casual smoker. The casual room has far less smoke, that's the one I'm in now. You force people into an alley, they risk pneumonia, the world's number one infectious disease, as this chart shows [points to something which is completely obscured by smoke]. Pretty eye-opening, huh?

Announcer: Help the Quebec bar owners win their fight against pneumonia-loving lawmakers.

disputed

[on the US and Canada] We're bigger, and we're on top. If this was prison, they would be our bitch. - Rick Mercer

Season 5

February 5, 2008 [5.14]

Mercer: A shocker this week as Alberta premier Ed Stelmach dropped out of a provincial climate change conference. Now why would the biggest oil-producing province drop out of a conference aimed at reducing oil production? It makes no sense. The other premiers are talking about a carbon tax, but Stelmach prefers storage technology - which takes carbon out of the air and stores it underground. One problem with this technology: it's pretend. But there's a solution for that - instead of taxing carbon emitters Stelmach wants to give them $500,000,000 to invent the technology. Because there's nothing big oil couldn't do if they just had some cash.

March 11, 2008 [5.17]

Announcer: On the heels of a new bill denying tax credits to movies the Harper Government deems "offensive", comes a film so gripping it will keep you on the edge of your seat. So moving it will make you laugh and cry, and so middle-of-the-road that it got funding. It's Bill C-10 the motion picture: an inoffensive story about a little boy and his dog.

March 18, 2008 [5.18]

Mercer: Justice John Gomery, the head of the inquiry into the sponsorship scandal, has come forward to say his recommendations are not being followed. [Beat] Okay, look, this is embarrassing, John, your inquiry was something Paul Martin called to destroy the reputation of Jean Chrétien, but then he accidentally blew himself up with it. No-one was ever actually going to follow your recommendations. The Liberals are destroyed - mission accomplished.