Red vs Blue: Relocated

Red vs. Blue: Relocated is a four part 2009 comedy machinima miniseries. Burnie Burns, co-creator of the Red vs. Blue series, describes Relocated as "less plot, more stupid."

Part One (Episode 1)

Grif: I'm telling you, this is a whole new world for us. New bases, new armor, it's a fresh start.

Simmons: Why the fuck are we still having the same stupid conversation?

Grif: Just think, you know how people say 'If I knew then what I know now' what if that person is you, and you already know it, and the then, is right now?

Simmons: What?

Grif: Don't you remember anything from our last assignment? Like all your mistakes?

Simmons: I didn't make mistakes, you made mistakes!

Grif: Exactly, you set too high of a bar, that makes it harder for the rest of us.

Simmons: There is no 'rest of us', there's just you, and you suck, the bar has nothing to with it. If the bar was any lower, you'd just hit your fucking head on it, or accidentally eat it.

Grif: You need to loosen up. We got a good thing going here, and this is an easy gig. We need to make the most of it. You should question authority every now and then.

Simmons: What the?! I question authority.

Grif: Asking Sarge if we can have more work is not questioning authority.

Simmons: Well Grif, that is a question.

Grif: Stop it.

Simmons: Besides, all you ever do is waste time.

Grif: Waste time?! I make time! Every second Sarge spends arguing with me, is one second that I don't have to do something stupid like clean our guns or whatever it is he's making you do.

Simmons: You dumb ass, we have to maintain our equipment, otherwise-(The jeep explodes).

Sarge: Aw, son of a bitch!

Grif: See?! That should at least keep him busy for at least-

Sarge: Grif, Simmons, front and center!

Grif: Damn it!

Simmons: Nice plan jack ass. Clearly it's working flawlessly.

---

Grif: Hey Sarge, why do you always call us over when you want to talk to us?

Sarge: What, do you want me to write you a letter?

Grif: No, I-I mean there's two of us, wouldn't be more efficient you'd just come to us instead we always have to co-

Sarge: Shut up Grif.

Grif: See, I just bought us ten more seconds before he could give us something to do.

Sarge: Grif, can it!!

Grif: Five more seconds.

Simmons: Shut up!

Grif: Two more seconds.

Sarge: (Meaning to see how Caboose has electricity) We need to get someone over there to see how they did it. Simmons, that'll be you.

Simmons: Why me?

Sarge: I don't think Grif could possibly know how electricity works. I'm not even certain he knows what it is.

Grif: The man's right, I have no idea.

Simmons: Whatever.

Grif: No seriously, I have no idea. I always thought it was some kind of invisible magic.

Simmons: Shut up.

---

Sarge: Grif, I need you to get on top of the base, see if you can figure out why ours isn't shooting that blue boltamagigy.

Grif: Gulp, you mean up there? By that air lift and the flag?

Sarge: No, I mean on top. (The panel zooms out to show the two from the top of the base).

Grif: Um, do we have a ladder?

Sarge: Oh sure, an eight hundred foot ladder. Of course not you idiot! Now get to shimmying!

Part Two (Episode 2)

Simmons: (After being caught by Caboose while spying on him) We're not attacking you, I'm just here to spy on you.

Caboose: Oh awesome!

Simmons: And to figure out how you got your power turned on.

Caboose: Oh, you mean the invisible magic. Yeah, you know that it was already on when I got here. Very convenient.

---

Caboose: Hey, Simmons, stop being nosy. Do you want to lose all your spying privileges?

---

Sarge: (Grif is climbing up the base to fix the electricity) Come on Grif! Hurry it up!

Grif: Hey, don't rush me! This it high! Shouldn't I have safety gear or something?!

Sarge: You have armor numb nuts, that's like having a helmet for your whole body. Now stop complaining!

Grif: No, I mean, shouldn't there be a safety belt, or at least some railings!

Sarge: Grif, use your head! If we had a rope tied up there already, you could just climb up the rope! Stop asking dumb questions!!

Simmons: Hey Sarge.

Sarge: Simmons, what did you find out?

Simmons: Well, I know their base isn't running on brain power.

Sarge: Excellent, that means Grif can still be used as fuel while we get the generator turned on.

Simmons: Caboose has no idea how their power works, he says that it was on when he got there.

Sarge: Huh, favoritism. Command always did like them best.

Simmons: He said he'd run us an extension cord if we can find one long enough.

Sarge: No way. Not falling for that.

Simmons: Sigh, I had a feeling you wouldn't.

Sarge: He'd use just the right moment to cut us off from a valuable resorce.

Simmons: A resorce we don't even have contact to begin with!

Sarge: That's exactly, he wants to soften us up, and yank the carpet right from under our feet! No way. Besides, Grif's on his way to figuring it to figuring out this problem as we speak. Heh heh.

Simmons: Where is he anyway?

Sarge: Up there.

Simmons: What?! What's he doing up there?!

Grif: HELP ME SIMMONS!!

Sarge: I think that blue bolt has something to do with the power and why it isn't working.

Grif: JESUS CHRIST!

Simmons: So why didn't you climb up there?

Sarge: Me? Because I'm afraid of heights. I mean allergic!

Grif: EVERYONE HAS A FEAR OF HEIGHTS!

Simmons: You have a fear of heights? Didn't you jumped out of ships in high orbit during the war?

Sarge: How do you think I developed that fear? That ship was crazy.

Grif: THERE'S A BIRD UP HERE FUCKING WITH ME!

Sarge: Quit making friends and get up there!

Grif: SHEW, SHEW!

Bird: CAW!

Simmons: Sarge, why didn't you just let him use the ladder? (They both face a cliff where a ladder as tall as their base is standing)

Sarge: Oh right, guess we didn't see that before he started up. My bad.

Grif: GOD DAMN IT!!!

Simmons: How could you miss something that big?

Sarge: Well what can I say Simmons? Guess you're a bit more observent than the rest of us.

Simmons: Yeah, no kidding.

---

Grif: OKAY, I MADE IT! I'M AT THE TOP!

Sarge: What do you see?

Grif: WHAT?

Sarge: WHAT DO YOU SEE?

Grif: WHAT DO I SEE?! I SEE EVERYTHING, CAUSE I'M AT THE TOP OF THE FUCKING WORLD!!

Sarge: Can you see the part were the bolt comes out?

Grif: YEAH, IT'S RIGHT HERE. BUT I THINK IT'S BLOCKED.

Sarge: WHAT?

Grif: IT'S BLOCKED!!

Sarge: What's blocking it?

Grif: LOOKS LIKE A BUNCH OF PIECES OF A SHIP.

Sarge: ....That's disgusting! Who would climb all that way up there just to do that?!

Grif: SHIP!!

Sarge: Oh right.

Simmons: What kind of ship is it?

Grif: HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?! IT'S IN A MILLION PIECES! WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?!

Simmons: Sorry, I'm just naturally curious.

Grif: I'M GOING TO SPIT ON YOU SIMMONS!

Sarge: What do you think Simmons?

Simmons: It's hard to say without seeing it. Guess he could try to clear the blockage. I'm a little conserned though, if he clears it and that bolt goes off, it could kill him.

Sarge: That's an excellent thought. And what was the concern you said you had?

Simmons: Sigh, nothing sir.

Sarge: Alright then, let's get crackin'. Kill two birds with one stone. Except one bird will be Grif, heh heh.

Bird: Caw.

Grif: I SAID SHOO, YOU STUPID FUCKING BIRD!

Part Three (Episode 3)

Sarge: Here Grif, take one of mine! (Sarge throws Grif a grenade to clear the blockage but takes the pin out but didn't throw it high enough.)

Simmons: Sarge, you pulled the pin out!

Sarge: Of course I did, who throws a grenade with the pin still in it?! Hey Grif, catch this one. (Sarge throws another one but Grif backs away from it.)

Grif: No, I'm not catching those!

Sarge: Damn it, I can't reach! (The grenade blows up.)

Simmons: Ah, cut it out!

Grif: Yeah, let me get back to work up here.

Part Four (Episode 4)

Grif: (After Simmons tells him Lopez killed Sister) Listen, when we were kids we went ice skating and she fell through the ice. She was under there for three hours. And when they pulled her out, not only was she alive, she was pregnant. So if you can explain that to me, I’ll believe you.

Sarge: I wouldn't even know where to start.

---

Donut: [Lying on the ground, weak.] Grif, it's, under, the sand. Find it.

Grif: Oh man. That sounds like it's going to take a few months.

Valentines Day(PSA)

Caboose: (Talking to Grif and Simmons about what he and Church did on Valentines Day) It's true. We had a tradition.

Flash back. First season

Caboose: [In front of Blue base] Hey Church. Happy Valentine-

Church: Get the fuck away from me.

Flash back Fith Season

Caboose: [On top of blue base] Church, will you be my-

Church: GET the fuck away from me.

Flash back. Reconstruction

Caboose: [Talking to Church and Washington from behind] Hey Church, Agent Washington. Wonderful weather we're having.

Church: Yeah, I guess.

Caboose: We're going to fight all those mean computer people today.

Church: Yeah, sure, whatever.

Caboose: You know, it's a good thing, [Panel turns to the right a bit to show a bunch of freaky floating things making a heart] because TODAY IS-

Church: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!

End of flash back

Caboose: I miss him so much!

Grif: Well, you probably shouldn't.

Caboose: He loved me!!

Simmons: Yeah, I don't know why you think that.

Caboose: If he didn't love me, then why on every Valentines Day did he give me my very own heart?

Grif: That WAS your heart. After he pulled it out of your chest. Don't you remember? I'd always take Doc hours to sew it back in.

Simmons: Man, he used to bitch about that so much.

Caboose: [In a sobbing voice] And know it feels like it's being ripped out again [Regular voice] probably more simbolicly this time in stead of [Sobbing] the regular way.

Simmons: Would it make you feel better if we called you names and made fun of you?

Caboose: Would you mind?

Simmons: Not at all you stupid fucking idiot.

Caboose: Thanks guys. You're the best.