Rat Race (film)
2001 film by Jerry Zucker
563 miles. 9 people. $2 million. 1001 problems!(taglines)
- My grandfather used to say that good things take time, but great things happen all at once.
- [Talking about the coin he used to flip at the Super Bowl] It's really a commemorative coin.
- I am not a bus driver! I do not work for the bus company! All right?! I--I needed a ride to New Mexico, so I stole this uniform! See this jacket? This is not my jacket! Remember Marty, the bus driver? Huh?! This is his shirt! I stole it! And these pants, you think I'd wear these pants?! These aren't my pants! These are Marty's pants! I stole them! I am not...a bus driver!
- [Looking at a map, a plane lands behind him] Where the hell is the airport?!
- [To Duane] 'Ey, man! Mom's watching 'ou from 'Eaven. Wha' would 'he doo? For starving children, Duane. 'O it for mom.
- Oh good! A scam!!
- [to Owen] I knew I recognized you, you're the referee, the bonehead!
- We should've bought a squirrel.
- They're always pissed, honey. They're Nazis, it's like it's their job.
- Are you insane?! This is Hitler's car!
- I do NOT want to work at Home Depot!
- You drink these up, then we're gonna return the Nazi-mobile. And then we'll get the van fixed and we'll go back to Vegas and see David Copperfield! Yay!
- Bev, Bev, wake... Come on. Wake up. Wake up. Bev, wake up. Wake up. Third Reich's here. Come on. Get down. You wanna have a nice life. Okay, okay. Think. Think. SS in the parking lot.
- Dad, I don't have to pee, it's number two!
- Dad, I'm prairie-dogging!
- Look dad, I'm Mrs. Hitler!
- Dad, it's been a living hell.
- Excuse me. Thank you all for coming. I'm Donald Sinclair, I own this hotel. We don't have much time. There's a meteor the size of North Carolina heading straight for Earth. The impact is going to kill every thing and everyone on this planet. I built a bunker in the basement to this casino strong enough to withstand the blast. There's room enough for eight people. I have chosen the seven of you, plus me. When this is over, it'll be up to us to repopulate and re-civilize the planet. [Everyone looks shocked for about five seconds, before Sinclair begins laughing hysterically] I'm sorry. I couldn't resist!
- [to Owen] I can do anything I want Nick. I'm eccentric! [growls like a tiger] Go!
- Theoretically, you have been racing for about 40 seconds now, and so far, Mr. Schaefer is winning, because he's nearest to the door!
- And, they're off!
- [Entering room] Am I too late? Look I won a coin! A gold coin! [looks around] Uh, isn't this wonderful? Look at this room. What a beautiful room! Have you seen this room?
- [Introducing himself] I am Enrico Polinni. Now I know what you are thinking, Enrico is a girl's name. No pun intended.
- I am getting goose pimples.
- It's a race! It's a race! I hope I win!
- Is a race! I am winning, I am winning! [slows down and falls asleep standing up in the middle of the hotel lobby]
- I make a joke to help you forget how screwed you are.
- Hey look! A drifter! Let's kill him!
- Squirrel Lady: I wasn't talkin' to you, was I? [to her squirrels] I was talkin' to Vera!
- [A hotel employee hands Nick Schaffer his bill]
- Nick Schaffer: Wait - what's this $110?
- Employee: Uh, those are your in-room movies.
- Nick Schaffer: No, I didn't watch any movies.
- Employee: Okay, let's see..."Afro Whores".
- Nick Schaffer: "Afro Whores"?
- Employee: It says you watched it... 11 times.
- Nick Schaffer: No, I didn't watch that.
- Employee: 2:00 "Afro Whores", 3:30 "Afro Whores", 5:00 "Afro Whores"... It says in the morning you watched The Grinch for ten minutes, then switched back over to "Afro Whores".
- Nick Schaffer: I swear I didn't watch it. Okay? I was at a bachelor party. There were 35 people there. You can ask any of them. You have to take that off my record.
- Hotel Clerk: It's not a record, sir.
- Nick Schaffer: It... It's a delete.
- Hotel Clerk: Okay, fine. How many times did you watch it?
- Nick Schaffer: Uh, none! I didn't watch it!
- Hotel Clerk: Are you sure? "Sizzling, three-way, backdoor action featuring two sexy soul sisters...”
- Nick Schaffer: No, I don't need to know what it's about! I did not watch it! [hotel clerk raises her eyebrows] I didn't!
- [Duane and Blaine Cody walk up to the top of a flight of stairs, Duane places a glass on the ground]
- Duane Cody: Okay, see that shot glass? Walk across the lobby, slip on the glass, let gravity do the rest.
- Blaine Cody: I-ight 'eak y eck!
- Duane Cody: It's true, you could break your neck, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.
- Blaine Cody: Hy ont u oo it?
- Duane Cody: Because, Einstein, one of us needs to be the victim and one of us needs to be the witness! What kind of witness would you make? I'm your own brother, I don't know what the hell you're saying. How's your tongue, let me see.
- [Blaine opens his mouth, showing a blackened tongue with a stud in it; Duane cringes]
- Blaine Cody: Ows it ook?
- Duane Cody: ...It looks good, getting better.
- Randy Pear: [seeing Blaine's infected tongue] Oh my God! You ought to sue somebody!
- Blaine Cody: Ay id it y-elf!
- Randy Pear: What?
- Duane Cody: He said he did it himself. Sent away for a kit.
- Donald Sinclair: [after explaining the game] The first one there, gets it all! Go!
- Owen: Y-You can't just pick people at random!
- Donald Sinclair: I can do anything I like, Owen! I'm eccentric! [Growls] Go!
- Randy Pear: Wait. So, it's like a race? [Sinclair points to him with an "Ah-ha!" expression]
- Enrico Pollini: A race! It's a race! I hope I win!
- Duane Cody: Uh, what are the rules?
- Donald Sinclair: There's only one rule. Are you ready? Here it is: There are, no rules! Go!
- Merrill: So, when you say "go", you mean, just go?
- Donald Sinclair: Uh, begin, commence, start moving... theoretically you have been racing for about forty-five seconds now, and so far Mr. Schaffer is winning because he's nearest to the door.
- [Everyone continues staring at Sinclair, visibly confused. Finally, he sighs in frustration, pulls out a revolver, and fires it into the ceiling.]
- Kimberly Pear: Dad, I'm prairie-dogging it!!
- Randy Pear: What the hell does that mean?
- Jason Pear: You know, like when a prairie dog sticks his head in and out of the ground.
- Randy Pear: Oh. Oh, God, I do not want to picture that!
- Randy Pear: That's Hitler's harmonica; you can't play Hitler's harmonica.
- Jason Pear: Well, you're driving his car.
- Randy Pear: Yeah, but I'm not touching it with my mouth! I'm not sucking on the dashboard! I'm not getting his germs!
- Vicki: So, what can I do for you, Harry?
- Harold Grisham: Okay... here's what I want. First... we both get naked.
- Vicki: So far so good.
- Harold Grisham: Except... we're both wearing sailor hats. Then we get into a jacuzzi filled with Pepto-Bismol, I clip your toenails and you shave my buttocks.
- 563 miles. 9 people. $2 million. 1001 problems!
- Make a Dash, for the Cash
- Join the Race August 2001
- Breckin Meyer as Nick Schaffer
- Amy Smart as Tracy Faucet
- Cuba Gooding Jr. as Owen Templeton
- Seth Green as Duane Cody
- Vince Vieluf as Blaine Cody
- Whoopi Goldberg as Vera Baker
- Lanei Chapman as Merrill Baker
- Jillian Marie as Kimberly Pear
- Brody Smith as Jason Pear
- Jon Lovitz as Randall 'Randy' Pear
- Kathy Najimy as Beverly 'Bev' Pear
- Rowan Atkinson as Enrico Pollini
- John Cleese as Donald P. Sinclair
- Wayne Knight as Zach Mallozzi