Raising Hope

Raising Hope (2010–2014) is an American TV show that aired on Fox, about a 23-year-old who must raise his infant daughter, conceived by a one-night stand, with the help of his nutty family after the baby's mother (a serial killer) is given a death sentence and executed when the baby is six months old.

Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

Lucy's Victim: She tried to choke me with a pair of shoelaces. She was screaming something about how I forgot her birthday. I chased her for a few blocks, but then she jumped into a van with some guy. Good luck, dude. Her birthday's May 12th. I'd buy a card now.

Jimmy: Listen, I have a question about this food and it might be a stupid question, but I-I feel I should ask.

Sabrina: I'm sure it's not stupid.

Jimmy: Okay. Well, um, the book I have says I should feed her vegetables and I want to do that, but the only vegetable jars I found have pictures of either black babies or Asian babies on them, and I don't know if the pictures are random, you know, or if there's a reason Asian babies instead of white ones should eat these particular string beans?

Sabrina: That is a really good question. The colors of the babies on the jars don't matter, however it's really important that you do not feed her anything with a picture of a boy on it or else she will grow a penis. And a mustache.

Jimmy: I said it might be a stupid question.

Sabrina: Yeah you did. I just... really wasn't prepared for that.

Dead Tooth [1.02]

Jimmy: Hey, I thought I talked to you about this. You can't smoke around the baby.

Virginia: Jimmy, smoke rises. She's not gonna be tall enough to breathe it for a long time.

[Burt has just placed Maw Maw in the smoking bubble he created.]

Virginia: The hell is that?

Burt: I can't get her to quit. She burns me every time I bring it up, so I built her a bubble.

[Maw Maw smacks him from inside the bubble.]

Burt: It's loosely based off the plans of cousin Mike had when he built in the walk in bong and technically as long as she stays in here, there's no smoke in the house. So you have to quit.

Virginia: No I don't. If she gets a bubble, I want a bubble.

Dream Hoarders [1.03]

Burt: [about Maw Maw] Hey, have you seen this? As long as I have this song playing, she can't lose.

Virginia: I know. It's weird how music kicks in certain things in her brain, like the other day I found out "America the Beautiful" makes her poop faster.

Virginia: [Upon discovering Hope is trapped in the greenhouse] I'm freaking out a little bit here, Burt. I'm not doing well with this. Think of something. How are we gonna fix this? Think.

Burt: You know I can't think on demand like that.

Virginia: Think!

Burt: Stop saying think! Every time you say think all I can think is the word think-

Virginia: All right, all right!

Burt: -And it fills up my whole brain. Think, think, think. It keeps changing colors and sizes, I can't get past it!

Say Cheese [1.04]

Sabrina: Jimmy, are you missing a clump of hair in this photo?

Virginia: Yes, he is. He ate it.

Sabrina: Excuse me?

Jimmy: Someone stressed me out so much that I started pulling out my hair and eating it as a nervous twitch.

Sabrina: You look awful. Why didn't you just shave your head?

Virginia: Oh god no. He's a birthmark on his head that looks like a big old...

Jimmy: Florida. Shaped like Florida... Florida with balls.

Sabrina: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it. Who plays the piano?

Jimmy: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody's nerves.

Happy Halloween [1.05]

Policeman: What's going on?

Maw Maw: Mommy and I are doing a trick.

Virginia: The bitch who lives here wouldn't give us any candy. You're not really going to hassle us for pulling a prank on Halloween, are ya?

Policeman: I might seeing as how the pranksters are both adults, this is my house and I'm married to the bitch.

Burt: [explaining why he scares Jimmy just so he can get hugged] I'm sorry but when you turned thirteen you barely hugged me any more and then that damn high five came along. I had to do whatever I could to feel your chest against mine.

Maw Maw:[face is covered in chocolate from eating candy] Grampa did you bring any more candy?

Jimmy:[Holding Hope as she laughs at Maw Maw] Mom!

Virginia: Oh, my god. Burt, Maw Maw got into the candy.

Virginia: You were supposed to be watching Maw Maw. When she gets into the candy, she thinks she's 9 years old again.

Burt: I like 9-year-old Maw Maw, we play jacks.

Family Secrets [1.06]

Jimmy: Did you guys lie to me?

Burt: She did - not me, I do not practice "deceitary."

Virginia: What about "I know what I'm doing - you won't get pregnant?"

Burt: I believed it at the time.

Jimmy: What did you lie to me about mom?

Virginia: It doesn't matter - they were dumb little nothings. Like when Rexie died, he didn't really go to hunt rabbits with Stone Cold Steve Austin's dogs. And the reason you shouldn't pick your butt is not because there's an eel living in there and he might bite your finger off, it's just because you shouldn't pick your butt.

Jimmy: Can we start saying 'execute' again? I thought 'put her down' would be nicer for the baby but it's still feeling like she died at the pound.

Burt: I thought 'barbecue' her was a smart way to live it up but no one wanted to try that.

Jimmy: "Hope, your mommy's not here because the governor had her barbecued." Ah, it is close. There's pros and cons.

The Sniffles [1.07]

Burt: Slow down there Jimmy. Do you even know what the hell you are doing?

Virginia: Of course he knows what he's doing Burt. It's a computer, not a condom.

Blue Dots [1.08]

Jimmy: You're sure you don't want to brush your hair?

Virginia: Oh right, 'cuz if I'm going to be picking up bottles and old rubbers, I really want to look my best.

Burt:[at the first neighbor's doorstep] Hi. Are you looking for someone to care for your lawn? Cause I'm not one of those mow and blow guys. Cause I will weed, prune, plant. I'm dependable and trustworthy. Here's my card.

[gives the neighbor his card.]

Burt: Also I'm a sexual offender.

[the neighbor tosses his card and closes the door. At the next neighbor's house]

Burt: Good News, I'm not a Jehovah's Witness. Bad News, I'm a sex offender.

[another neighbor closes her door. At another neighbor's house, Burt is seen though the top of the front door's small door.]

Burt: Hello, I'm your neighbor, Burt Chance. I just want to let you know there's a sexual predator living in the neighborhood. It's me!

[The neighbor closes the door. The scene changes to Burt at another neighbor's house giving back her staple gun.]

Burt: About 8 years ago, I borrowed your staple gun. Oh, also I'm a sexual predator.

[The woman tries to hit Burt with a staple gun and he runs. She tackles him to the ground and put staples on his back with a staple gun.]

Meet the Grandparents [1.09]

Virginia: [to Jimmy] I'm allowed to criticize you. I made you. You're my mistake.

Sabrina: Worst Thanksgiving ever. We had this cheese sauce that irritated my Dad's IBS - he spent the whole afternoon in the bathroom but forced us to include him via video chat.

Jimmy: Yeah, well my baby was stolen - twice.

Sabrina: I can't beat that - let's drink!

Burt Rocks [1.10]

Burt: If I go suck on stage I've got nobody to blame but myself.

Jimmy: I get that, I do, but you also spent 20 years being known as a yard and pool guy and I think I remember you saying you wanted to be known for something more. [Burt nods] You can do this Dad, I know you can and if you don't I'll still love you but you gotta try!

[Burt moves forward to hug Jimmy, Jimmy backs away and holds up a finger to signal Burt to stop]

Jimmy: Do not kiss me on the lips!

Burt: You stop saying stuff that makes me want to!

Burt: Babies are cool... until you've done everything there's to do with them, then you get bored. That's why TV shows about babies never last more than a year.

Toy Story [1.11]

Virginia: [to Kate] I am fine with an Asian Jesus, but let's be real here: that's a 3-year-old fat kid.

Maw Maw: [looking at herself in the mirror dressed as a wiseman] Who the hell moved my vagina?

Romeo and Romeo [1.12]

Sabrina: [seeing Jimmy and Justin hang out] Look at you two hanging out-like two penises in a pod.

Maw Maw: [wheeling out from under Burt's truck] Well the universal ball joint's no picnic, but the transmission's been leaking around four spots. Why didn't you have me look at it earlier?

Burt: You're never lucid for this long. Had a chance last week, but by the time I got you in the coveralls, you thought you were an exterminator and spent three and a half hours under the house.

Maw Maw: Did I kill anything?

Jimmy: Two rats and a snake.

Maw Maw: Man, the things you people tell me I do. Getting old is quite a ride.

A Germ of a Story [1.13]

Burt: People in glass houses should not throw stones...or sleep naked.

Burt: [about picking his nose with all of his fingers] I like to mix it up. Different ones get to different places.

What Up, Cuz? [1.14]

[Burt is in his underwear hiding from Maw Maw, who thinks he is her dead husband Wilfred]

Burt: Hey, Jimmy?

Jimmy: Yeah, Dad?

Burt: You think this kind of stuff happens in other people's houses in the middle of the night and they're just too embarrassed to talk about it?

Jimmy: I hope so.

Burt: Me, too.

Jimmy: Good night.

Burt: Good night.

Maw Maw: Wilfred!

Virginia: Well, I couldn't have her come over and see what a mess my life was. You both had boots on your head.

Snip Snip [1.15]

[After Maw Maw readily voted with Jimmy]

Burt: She is only allowed to vote if she's lucid.

Virginia: Maw Maw, we are currently at war with what country?

Maw Maw: Iraq and Afghanistan.

Jimmy: Is she right?

Burt: I think so, but I'm not sure.

Maw Maw: It's right, you morons. One more reason why you shouldn't have another baby. Look, we're five people living in a four person house. We need another baby like we need a gorilla throwing fireworks.

Virginia: We are responsible! We're also passionate and spontaneous.

Burt: Yeah those would be our gladiator names if we were on American Gladiator.

The Cultish Personality [1.16]

Bruce: [about Mike] When you find him, beat him black and blue.

Policeman: I'd love to, but with the internet and phone cameras, the fun's over.

Burt: [to Mike] I wish your dad was here for this, but he's busy being a big throbbing tool. Let's call him up and rub the happiness in his face.

Mongooses [1.17]

Natalie: You can't fight a mountain lion. All you can do is lay back and go meet Jesus.

Burt: Pygmies freak me out. The women run around topless. They look like little girls with knockers.

Cheaters [1.18]

Virginia: All college guys cheat when they're in a long distance relationship. Why do you think I didn't let your dad go off to college?

Jimmy: 'Cuz he didn't graduate high school?

Virginia: For your information, there are universities that advertise on late night television that are willing to overlook that.

Burt: Noses are the unsung hero of the face, ties the whole thing together. Name one good looking person without a nose...can't do it.

Sleep Training [1.19]

[Zoe walks into the studio completely naked]

Rosa: Jimmy, you look so freaked out, like a deer caught in his girlfriend's high beams.

Jimmy: I'm not freaked out. I always figured the first time I saw her naked would be with a bunch of strangers and my mom's boss.

Donovan: Hell Chinese moms don't even give the kid a pillow. Yeah, they throw a violin and a laptop in the crib and say "Learn it by morning, donkey!" I mean, that's why the Chinese are beating us at everything.

Everybody Flirts...Sometimes[1.20]

Virginia: [to Gary] I'm sure somewhere out there there is a woman that wants to be lured into your apartment to find you naked. Maybe you should try Greg's List!

Burt: When it comes to being a hunter gatherer, I don't have a lot of weapons. I'm not that bright, I'm not that smart, and I don't have a lot of intelligence.

Baby Monitor [1.21]

Jimmy: [after seeing Sabrina's commercial] That's not fair. You used my daughter without my permission. Would you make your own baby?

Frank: Yeah. Come on Sabrina. Let's go make our own baby!

Virginia: Burt, why are you infusiating yourself in other people's lives?

Burt: I like this guy. He reminds me of me. We both have brown hair and hate museums.

Don't Vote for This Episode[1.22]

Rosa: It seems my mother thinks that your son is the Devil.

Virginia: Hah! I kinda doubt the devil would still be a virgin at eighteen.

Virginia: Did you hear that? Maw Maw's got a surprise for you Jimmy!

Jimmy: [slams his hand onto the table] You know that's not my name! If you want to address me, you must call me Drakkar Noir.

Virginia: Like the man's perfume, right?

Jimmy: It means Black Dragonship.

[momentary pause]

Burt: Your makeup looks nice today.

Season 2

Prodigy [2.01]

[The Chances visit the doctor to learn more about Jimmy's talent and memory loss]

Jimmy: ...and I haven't been able to remember anything, and I haven't been able to play the piano or sing ever since.

Dr. Finkelstein: That's fascinating! Because when you guys walked in here, I thought for sure you were looking for oxycontin.

Virginia: [to Jimmy after he realizes he used to know how to perform] Okay, fine... at one point in your life, you might have been a little... amazingly talented.

Sabrina Has Money [2.02]

Sabrina: I cut myself off. I'd would rather live like crap on money that I earned myself than live like a princess on money that somebody else gave me.

[The Chances burst out laughing]

Burt: That is the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Virginia: Money you don't have to work for is the best kind.

Burt: It's like getting paid for not having a job. It's the best kind of job not to have.

Jimmy: Oh, my God, you think you're better than them.

Sabrina: That's-that's Not what I'm s--Okay, the thing is, is that what--Oh, come on, you got to give me Frank; I'm better than Frank.

Jimmy: No, you're not. You're smarter and less creepy than Frank, but Frank is better at not feeling superior to people.

Kidnapped [2.03]

Virginia: That's the reason your father's always hated cauliflower.

Jimmy: No, I thought it was because it's not a real flower and it looks like brains.

Virginia: Fine, he has a lot of good reasons to hate cauliflower.

Jack: Look, we're both straight. We're just two straight guys kissing, thinking about girls.

Burt: How about this? How about you go find a girl?

Jack: Dude, we live in an RV. We eat leftovers out of hotel hallways. That's, I mean, there aren't going to be any girls.

Henderson, Nevada-Adjacent Baby! Henderson, Nevada-Adjacent! [2.04]

Delilah: We are sparing no expenses since my Air Force officer just got a big fat bonus for--well, I can't tell you why, but let's just say the Israelis are gonna get blamed for it.

Sabrina: You gonna go? I didn't really think you were the Vegas type.

Jimmy: That's because you only really know "Daddy" Jimmy. You don't know "sex in the back of my van with a serial killer" Jimmy. I used to be a wild man before this little ball-and-chain came and threw a wet blanket on my party fire.

Sabrina: Oh.

Jimmy: She is cute, though, isn't she? Oh, Daddy can't do nothing anymore now you came along, you little cutie patootie. [babbling baby talk]

Sabrina: You need to party.

Killer Hope [2.05]

Shelly: We don't care for Jeremy; he's a bit difficult.

Sabrina: Jeremy's a fart face.

Virginia: Eat your dinner before it melts.

Jimmy: Popsicles and olives? Have we just given up?

Jimmy and the Kid [2.06]

[Jimmy and Sabrina are watching Frank serve a woman at the deli counter]

Sabrina: "Yo, my parents named me Frank, 'cause they love tube-shaped meat."

Jimmy: Let me do the lady. "I'll take a quarter pound of the chicken salad."

Sabrina: But that's what she would probably say.

Jimmy: I know. That's why I said it.

Sabrina: Yeah, you don't get what we're doing, do you?

Virginia: Burt, I will steal coins from a fountain, I'll even do clinical drug trials again, as long as I'm not the placebo; I don't like feeling tricked. But there is no amount of gold that's worth rummaging through that lady's butt custard.

Burt's Parents [2.07]

Sabrina: So I take it Burt's relationship with his parents is kind of estranged?

Virginia: Oh, no, it's completely strange.

Sabrina: Two malaprops in a row. God, I love this family.

Ralph: Here you go, Brucie, a dollar for every "A." Keep getting grades like that, I'm going to have to get a second job.

Young Burt: Hey, I got two "A's" on my report card.

Young Bruce: You know what else has two "A's"? "Jackass."

Ralph: (laughing) We don't mean to laugh, but your brother's very clever. "Jackass" does have two "A's" in it. In the spellin--there's two "A's" in the--Go play with your trucks.

Bro-gurt [2.08]

Virginia: What about a TV channel just for news? Wait - they'll have to fill up too many hours and resort to sensationalizing non-issues and stirring up partisan bickering. Scratch that idea. It sucks.

Jimmy: I'm not gonna argue with her. That's what Wyatt does, and I'm gonna do the opposite.

Frank: ...The opposite of the guy she has sex with. Good strategy.

The Men of New Natesville [2.09]

Burt: You got to get your edge back, man.

Jimmy: I haven't lost my edge.

Virginia: [walks in carrying frilly hats] It was a windy day outside the black church, so I got a couple of good ones. I'll go make your virgin mint juleps. Our pretty little ponies are running in the Pretty Little Kentucky Derby later.

Jimmy: Maybe I've lost a bit of my edge.

Burt: Hey, Frank. You seen Jimmy?

Frank: No. I haven't seen Jimmy. Jimmy who?

Burt: Jimmy, my son. He went out with you last night.

Frank: Nope.

Burt: What's with the tarp and the shallow grave you're digging there?

Frank: I may be putting in a pool. Or digging to China. What business is it of yours? I think you're the one who's shallow.

Burt: Cards on the table, Frank: Did you kill my boy?

It's A Hopeful Life [2.10]

[Jimmy catches his friends in line to see a movie spoofing him and his family]

Jimmy: Hey, what are you guys doing?! You promised me you weren't gonna see the movie!

Frank: To be fair, we never thought you'd find out.

Barney: Sorry, James. It looks funny. I did it for employee morale. Not yours, of course. If you were anyone but you, you'd understand.

Sabrina: Guys, I got a purse full of licorice--Ooh! [holds up piece of licorice to her lip like a mustache, speaks in Italian accent] Mama mia! A-what-a Christmas is this! I got to go to make-a de pizza.

[Jimmy drives away angrily]

Sabrina: You think he bought that?

[Jimmy is stuck in world where he never had Hope; Sabrina earlier propositioned him for money]

Sabrina: What are you still doing here, dirtbag? You looking to rob the place? What are you looking at her for? You think she's prettier than me? Huh? Think these were a waste of money?

Jimmy: No, no! They're worth every penny! Please, I need your help.

Sabrina: Why would I help you?

Jimmy: Because underneath that 30 pounds of perfectly molded silicone, I know there's the heart of a good person. God, I wish I had $20.

Mrs. Smartypants [2.11]

Jimmy: Have you tried making a Checker-Bucket? It's where you put the checkers in, and let them take it out one at at a time. It's good for the slower kids. That's what my parents did for me.

Customer: Oh, they must be very proud. Are you able to live on your own, sweetheart?

Jimmy: [cheerfully] Not yet.

Customer: Well, someday.

Mr. Swift: "I don't know" is not an answer, Mr. Chance.

Jimmy: It's Drakkar Noir. I hate this class. I want to live in a classless society.

Mr. Swift: Okay, you're mixing up two different uses of the word "class."

Jimmy: Man, why do you always have to correct everything when I talk?

Mr. Swift: It's "when I speak," and it's my job.

Jimmy: Well, correct this. I quit. I don't need high school. I'm gonna be a famous artist like Picasso or Ed Hardy or Vincent van - uh, van -

Mr. Swift: Gogh.

Jimmy: I'm going! God. Come on, Venom, we're out of here.

Venom: Dude, did you not read the restraining order? Stop talking to me, and change your clothes. You're embarrassing an entire movement.

Jimmy: Cool. I'll see you at the mall.

Gambling Again [2.13]

Burt: No, no, no! How does a guy with one ball win a bicycle race three years in a row?! Oh, less drag! Less drag.

Frank: Three years ago, Barney bet me I couldn't fit ten marshmallows in my mouth. Two weeks later, we were selling our blood for some action on women's bowling. Gambling is a harsh mistress.

Jimmy's Fake Girlfriend[2.14]

Jimmy: Did she sound snippy?

Frank: Hard to tell. Everyone's snippy with me, I'm Frank.

Sabrina: I hate kissing in public.

Sheer Madness[2.15]

[Jimmy and Sabrina are preparing to go to sleep]

Jimmy: I'm going to grab an extra blanket, it gets pretty cold in here at night. There's a big hole in the wall. I usually stuff a sock in there, but I needed one yesterday, and...

[Turns back to see Sabrina has pulled a pair of pantyhose over her head]

Sabrina: ...We should probably talk about this.

Jimmy: Okay. Are you robbing me?

[Jimmy has covered himself in tarantulas to help Sabrina get over her arachnophobia]

Jimmy: Hey, how's it going!

Sabrina: [shocked screaming]

Jimmy: Okay, calm down, I'm all right, I'm not in any danger.

Sabrina: [screaming incoherently]

Jimmy: I did some research, and this is a way to overcome your fear!

Sabrina: [panicked, terrified screaming]

Jimmy: Once you realize that I'm okay...

Sabrina: [continues to scream]

Jimmy: ...you'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.

Sabrina: [continues to scream]

Virginia: What in the world... [sees spiders, also begins to scream]

Jimmy: Okay, if you guys could please stop screaming, I think you're starting to freak the spiders out a little bit.

Single White Female Role Model [2.16]

Spanks Butt, No Spanks [2.17]

[Sabrina walks into the kitchen]

Virginia: Coffee?

Sabrina: No thanks. Do you have tea?

[Everyone begins mocking Sabrina]

Burt: [in British accent] Yes, we have tea, after we finish cleaning our chimneys!

Virginia: [in British accent] What say we make some mugs of tea and drink them with our pinkies out, and then throw another shrimp on the barbie?

[Everyone laughs at Sabrina]

Sabrina: I'm going to take this little skit to mean that you DON'T have tea.

Virginia: Oh, we have tea. It's on the shelf behind the crackers and next to the beef boullion cubes.

Burt: I forgot about those! Grab me one, they're like little meat-flavored hard candies.

Virginia: [spraying perfume on a toy in order to trap a raccoon] Jennifer Aniston by Jennifer Aniston. No man can resist this. Except Brad Pitt.

Sabrina: And John Mayer.

Virginia: And Vince Vaughn.

Sabrina: Bradley Cooper.

Virginia: And that homeless looking guy from Counting Crows.

Poking Holes in the Story [2.18]

Natalie: We know how to use condoms, we put them on cucumbers in class.

Virginia: First of all, putting them on cucumbers is just setting yourself up for a disappointment.

Sabrina: Jimmy, you know I love your quirky family, but you nailing your great-grandmother is gonna be a real deal-breaker.

Season 3

Not Indecent, But Not Quite Decent Enough Proposal [3.01]

Maw Maw: And I'd like to live in it alone just once before I die! So hurry up and ask that long-haired pretty boy to marry you before the Republicans get back into office and make it a sin.

Sabrina: [angrily] Maw Maw, I'm not telling you this again. I am a WOMAN.

Maw Maw: And I'm not telling YOU this again. Show me your vagina, and I'll believe you.

Sabrina: NO!

Maw Maw: Burt showed me his!

[Everyone looks at Burt quizzically]

Burt: I know that sounded like I have a vagina. Which I DON'T. ...I was peeing the other day, and... I'll explain later.

Throw Maw Maw From the House - Part 1 [3.02]

Throw Maw Maw From the House - Part 2 [3.03]

Sabrina: So far, we have figured out which random household item will represent each one of us. And I still don't think it's funny that you made me the nutcracker.

Burt: Oh, it's not what you think. It has nothing to do with that creepy vacant stare you do. We just chose that because you're always breaking Jimmy's balls.

[Sabrina glares at Burt; Burt recoils in fear]

Jimmy: There's the stare...

Sabrina: Jimmy...

Virginia: And there's the crunch.

Sabrina: Okay, does anybody actually have a plan??

If a Ham Falls in the Woods [3.04]

[During a couples compatibility game]

Reverend Bob: A meteor is heading to your house. What would your partner say was the one thing you would save? Burt?

Burt: The world.

[Virginia flips over her card: "The World"]

Reverend Bob: Jimmy?

Jimmy: I don't know. We use the toaster oven a lot.

[Sabrina flips over her card: "Hope"]

Jimmy: Oh, yeah, that's better. She's right on that one.

[In response to the question, "What did the men say is your most embarrassing secret?"]

Sabrina: I'm afraid of spiders crawling in my ears, so sometimes I sleep with a panty-ho on my head.

[Jimmy flips over his card: "Sits backwards on the toilet when she poops"]

Sabrina: I enjoy reading, and sometimes it's easy to put the book on the the back of the toil--Okay, you know what, great. Now both these things are out there and we haven't even got one question right.

What Up, Bro? [3.06]

Waiter: Excuse me, sir? I cannot let you eat Mr. Jenkins' pasta in special Alfredo sauce.

Burt: Why not?

Waiter: Because I am Alfredo.

The Walk for the Runs [3.08]

Jimmy: I'll walk the 1k. And you guys should be ashamed of yourselves. Barney's up here courageously admitting that he has a serious condition, and you guys are acting like children.

Barney: Thank you, James. At least there's someone here that knows that ABS is nothing to joke about. We need to voice our support because silence can be deadly. The fight against ABS will get the push it deserves to finally make a big splash. Sufferers of this condition are tired of hiding like turtles in their shells. It's time for this turtle's head to poke out!

Jimmy: Barney, you're not doing yourself any favors.

Barney: Uh, Ricardo. Could you please stop pinching that loaf?

Jimmy: Oh, come on. Seriously?

[Burt has dyed his hair and eyebrows shoe-polish black]

Burt: Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!

Virginia: What the hell is up with your hair?

Burt: Nothing. Just decided to touch it up a little, that's all.

Virginia: Well, you look like one of those birds from that Juan Valdez oil spill.

Burt: Oh, please. It's such a double-standard. How come you get to cheat to look younger? I've seen your drawer in the bathroom. It's one set of vampire fangs away from being a special effects studio.

Squeak Means Squeak [3.09]

Jimmy: I think it's time we had an honest, heart-to-heart talk about something that we all feel is becoming a problem.

Sabrina: Okay yes, sometimes I eat dirt! So what, Einstein ate dirt. Einstein! [Awkward silence] This... wasn't about the dirt, was it. [Awkward silence] Is this about how I count the number of words in every sentence; 13. [Awkward silence] You know what, Burt was right. I'll just listen.

Sabrina: What if it's hereditary? What if I just don't have the parenting gene? [Burt pushes a potted plant towards Sabrina with his foot] Okay, it's called geophagy. I sense you have questions, go ahead.

Burt: Do you have to wash your hands before you eat dirt? If it falls on the ground, is there a five-second rule? Have you ever tried sand? Is Mexican dirt spicy? If you swallow an apple seed, will you poop a tree?

The Last Christmas [3.10]

Mike: That's my worst fear; to be here one day and gone the next. Like I never even existed.

Maw Maw: I've only got three things left on my bucket list, and I need to get into a fistfight.

Jimmy: Maw Maw, I'm not gonna fight you. You're a million years old and you broke your pelvis falling off the roof of that car.

Maw Maw: I'm sorry, what did you just say? I'm not fluent in wussy.

Sabrina: I'll fight you.

Maw Maw: You will?

Sabrina: Oh, yeah. I've been wanting to punch you in the face ever since you told me I looked like Ralph Macchio in drag.

Maw Maw: Let's do this.

Lord of the Ring [3.12]

Sabrina: If you must know, my family has a little bit of a body hair issue. And believe me, this is nothing. I've got an aunt that looks like Borat.

Virginia: You get weirder and weirder every week.

Sabrina: All I want is a marriage like yours. One of the reasons I fell in love with Jimmy is the possibility of getting that.

Virginia: That's why you fell in love with him? Because Burt and I have never been able to figure that one out.

What Happens at Howdy's Doesn't Stay at Howdy's [3.13]

[Virginia tries to secretly remove a bag from the refrigerator]

Burt: What's that?

Virginia: Uh, nothing. Just some boring girl stuff I bought for the bachelorette party.

Burt: So boring you had to hide it in the vegetable crisper?

Virginia: Okay, fine. It's a bag of penises.

Burt: [Apprehensively] Whose are they, and why do they have to be kept crisp?

Jimmy: [Finishing a Mad Lib during his bachelor party] Okay, that's the last word. So the story is: "I was 'bored' in my 'bored' hat and went to my 'boring' room, where I saw a 'bored' that was eating my giant 'this sucks'." I don't think that even makes sense.

Modern Wedding [3.14]

Burt: Just keep her away from us from now on, okay? I mean, no offense, but we're kind of done with the whole "Lucy coming back from the dead" thing. It's like, every year we think she's gone, and then she comes back in some crazy way, messes up our lives again. It's getting old.

Sabrina: All right, Mom. That's it. Thank you so much for this incredible gift. We're gonna cherish it forever. I'm sure we're gonna watch it a million times. And, um, when we do, I want Jimmy to hear this last part. Jimmy, you always make it seem like you're lucky to have me as your wife, but I'm the lucky one. I'm lucky to have you and Hope and your entire family in my life, and sometimes I feel like I don't say that to you enough, but it's true. And when we watch this with our grandkids one day, I want them to know how much you mean to me. I love you.

[Blows kiss to camera and walks away; Burt jumps out from behind couch and attacks cameraman]

Yo Zappa Do (Part 1) [3.15]

[Jimmy and Sabrina have dressed up in goth outfits to have sex just as the rest of the family walks back into the hotel room]

Virginia: Dress-up sex on your honeymoon? You're leaving yourself nowhere to go on a rainy Thursday in year four.

Burt: Jimmy, my instructions were "kiss, get undressed, then do it". Not "do it dressed like KISS"!

Sabrina: Hey, guys, they just started serving breakfast downstairs. You might want to get down there quick before they run out of Danish. Jimmy and I will meet you down there in 15 or 20 minutes after we get ready. ...Alone. On our honeymoon.

Jimmy: Oh, I don't know. Don't want to miss the Danish...

Sabrina: [puts up a hand to stop him] You're gonna want to stick around.

Yo Zappa Do (Part 2) [3.16]

Virginia: Child stars go downhill no matter how good they act. They could star in a Spielberg movie and still end up playing the nutty mom on some sitcom.

Burt: Which one of you is from NBC? [Executive raises hand; Burt kicks him in the groin] That's for canceling My Name is Earl!!

Mother's Day [3.22]

Sabrina: Over the last few years, you have been more of a mother to me than my mother ever was. I want you to have this.

[Hands Virginia macaroni necklace]

Virginia: I see what you're doing, and it's very sweet, but--

Sabrina: What's my favorite color? What is it?

Virginia: Orange.

Sabrina: And you know that because?

Virginia: Because, for your wedding, you and I spent two days driving to every supermarket in town buying all the orange flowers.

Sabrina: And how did I chip my tooth?

Virginia: You thought you could skateboard drunk on Cinco de Mayo. And you not only chipped your tooth, you sprained your ankle.

Sabrina: And when did I start walking again?

Virginia: Three days later on Ocho de Mayo.

Shelly: So, your mother never called, huh?

Sabrina: No.

Shelly: I'm sorry.

Sabrina: That's okay. I'm with my family.

Season 4

Deja Vu Man [4.01]

Sabrina: Jimmy, do you remember how we talked about not letting your parents drag us into something crazy every week?

Arnold: I'm not one for melodrama, so goodbye forever.

Burt Bucks [4.02]

Barney: Unfortunately, I took six brutal beatings before I learned there was no merit badge for cruelty, and I'd been letting the scouts pummel me for no real reason.

Sabrina: It's more of those postcards from my mom. What are they doing out here?

Jimmy: I always, um, hide them in here before you see them, because I know how much they upset you. I'm sorry.

[Sabrina kisses Jimmy]

Jimmy: What was that for?

Sabrina: Because you committed a federal crime to protect my feelings. Oh, Jimmy, don't you see? I may have saved you a couple times, but you save me every day.

Josh: I miss my prison husband.

Sabrina: What?

Josh: Nothin'.

Ship Happens [4.03]

Sabrina: There's a rip in the side of this mountain.

Burt: Of course there is. That's... "Rip Mountain".

Marina Employee: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no. No one is allowed in the boat. Didn't you read the contract?

Sabrina: Oh, yeah, I read every word. That's why my daughter's wearing a snorkel on a road trip.

Hi-Def [4.04]

Virginia: The only doctor I go to is Dr. Vajajay. ...He's Indian. That's his name. He looks after my hoo-hah.

Jimmy: Gross.

Burt: I assure you, it is not.

[Burt is panicking about his colonoscopy]

Burt: Get me the hell out of here. I don't want to die with a camera up my poop chute!

Jimmy: Dad, it says "unlikely."

Burt: "Unlikely"? Unlikely things happen all the time. Michael Jordan grew a Hitler mustache. That came out of nowhere. Nowhere!

Extreme Howdy's Makeover [4.05]

Sabrina: You can't live your life without taking risks. Sometimes you've just got to jump in and marry the grocery bagger with the serial killer's baby. ...That happened to somebody I know.

Sabrina: Hey! How's it going?

Jimmy: It's tough. I haven't found that thing. You know, that muse thing.

Sabrina: [Grins, points to herself] Ooh! What about me? I can be your muse.

Jimmy: Okay, cards on the table: I'm not entirely clear on what a muse is or does.

Adoption [4.06]

Jimmy: How am I supposed to do a rebirthing? I've never even seen an actual birth. Hope was born in a jail.

Barney: Frank and I could help you.

Frank: Oh, yeah, totally. Rebirthing ceremonies are simple.

[Jimmy and Barney give Frank a look]

Frank: Sometimes insomnia can drive a man to the deep dark corners of the Internet.

[Burt and Virginia are pretending to be lawyers]

Burt: Mr. Lennox, is it true that you decapitate puppies as a hobby? ...Withdrawn. Weren't you a member of the Taliban? ...Withdrawn. A pedophile? ..Withdrawn. A thief? ..Withdrawn. Defecated in an avocado field? ...Withdrawn!

Judge: Mr. Chance, enough of this. Damn Law and Order ruined an entire generation of lawyers.

Murder, She Hoped [4.07]

Virginia: Bet those snobs in the hoity-toity neighborhood don't have to deal with their power going out.

Sabrina: Jimmy, speaking of which, that's us. Let's go home.

Virginia: You were right, Burt. I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

Burt: That's okay. I'm almost never right. You were just playing the odds.

Dysfunction Function [4.08]

Burt: So did you and Sabrina enjoy your night alone last night?

Jimmy: Yeah, it was great. I think I tweaked my neck. Sabrina had me doing all sorts of crazy stuff.

Burt: Really?

Jimmy: Well, with Hope out of the house, we could get down to all the dirty stuff on our list.

Burt: You have a list??

Jimmy: It was exhausting. We did it all. You know, I shampooed the carpet for, like, an hour. She cleaned the chimney. It was filthy. We were both pretty sore this morning, but, uh, she still had me mulch her flower box.

Burt: Wow.

Jimmy: Yeah, well, next time you guys take Hope, I'm gonna oil up her chest in our bedroom.

Burt: Now you're talking.

Jimmy: It takes a while. She hasn't really taken care of it in years. It's kind of gross underneath.

Burt: [Grimaces] Well, still, a chest is a chest.

Jimmy: It is a nice chest. It's not as old or as beautiful as Maw Maw's.

Burt: [Gags] I'm sorry, when you say "oil up her chest," what exactly do you mean?

Jimmy: I mean just get some linseed oil and polish up the antique chest that Sabrina's uncle left us.

Burt: Oh.

Jimmy: What did you think?

Burt: I thought you were talking about you and Sabrina having weird sex, and then, briefly, you wanting to feel up your great-grandmother.

Virginia: Obama made a law where everybody has to have affordable car insurance. It's called Obama-Car.

Bee Story [4.10]

Jimmy: You should definitely do a protest. Paint signs, chain yourself to each other. Even if it takes all day marching around in the hot, blazing sun.

Sabrina: God, I'm so glad you're into this. We should get started.

Jimmy: Wait, I have to go with you?

Sabrina: You did it! You guys did what my environmental group could never do: Something.

Hey There, Delilah [4.11]

Burt: You know, this wouldn't be our house if we just stayed with Jimmy and Sabrina.

Virginia: No way. It's one thing to mooch off my grandmother, I'm not about to mooch off my own son. I have pride, Burt. Okay, the car wash is open. Let's go sneak a shower.

Hot Dish [4.12]

Burt: [Blindfolded] Okay, that was interesting. Moist, chewy... I don't want to say "soapy" but it had a quality to it...

Virginia: Burt, you just took a bite out of a sponge I left on the table!

Burt: Hmm... better than I would have thought.

[Jimmy is about to pour radish juice into Virginia's casserole]

Jimmy: I know what you did to Sabrina's casserole, and now I'm just giving you a taste of your own medicine.

Virginia: Before you do that, why don't you taste the medicine?

[Jimmy drinks some radish juice, gags]

Jimmy: Oh, it's horrible.

Virginia: Not the juice. My casserole.

[Jimmy tries Virginia's casserole, spits out in disgust, drinks some radish juice, gags]

Jimmy: Oh, it's horrible! Why can't anyone cook anymore? Is it me? Maybe I went mouth-blind. Can people go mouth-blind?

Thrilla In Natesvilla [4.13]

[After being warned by Frank that Barney is looking for a couple to double date with him and Maxine]

Jimmy: Well, I think we should support Barney.

Sabrina: Oh, I'm not going. It's not because of Barney, it's because of my aunt Maxine. She's always criticizing everything I eat, and what I wear, and how I married a guy who's just completely beneath... [stutters and averts eyes] my... wings. Like the wind!

Jimmy: You can stop.

Road to Natesville [4.14]

Sabrina: Well, after Frank volunteered, we kind of had to. I mean, he is officially the laziest guy in the store.

[Holds up yearbook with photo of Frank sleeping on the job, captioned "Laziest Guy in the Store"]

Sabrina: Barney does superlatives in the annual Howdy's yearbook.

Frank: It's the age-old romantic story. Boy wearing baby mask meets girl wearing horse-head mask. And then girl's mask comes off, and boy doesn't have the guts to tell her how he really feels about her. We've all seen it a million times.

Anniversary Ball [4.15]

Virginia: You two are married now. Lying and being deceitful to get information out of him is your job, not mine.

Burt: A cowhand told me you wanted this.

Jimmy: I thought Sabrina told you.

Sabrina: It's cowboy-speak.

Jimmy: Oh, right. [to Colt Palamino, awkwardly] Howdy, pilgrim. I like beans.

The One Where They Get High [4.16]

Sabrina: Why don't you guys just dare him to stop?

Jimmy: Apparently it's against the rules.

Burt: It's like wishing for more wishes.

Jimmy: Oh, my God! She let a mummy into our house.

Sabrina: What?

Jimmy: Wait. Hang on. I think that might be Ashley.

Sabrina: Good catch.

Baby Phat [4.17]

Sabrina: There have been countless studies that show that all of the most successful babies have been born in November. Because they're the oldest in their class.

Jimmy: One reason I support your theory is that it means we can have sex right now.

Cop: Turns out, all that stuff was real candy, which you were eating in a Dumpster. So the only thing you're guilty of is being gross, disgusting people who probably have hepatitis C. Please leave this police station and try not to touch anything on your way out.

Dinner with Tropes [4.18]

Sabrina: I think you guys might be putting too much weight on TV. It's just a bunch of people saying clever quips followed by a catchy theme song.

[Raising Hope theme song plays]

Virginia: So, what's everybody up to next week?

Jimmy: Not much. I'm gonna pretend to be Barney's girlfriend while his moms come to visit town.

Virginia: Hmm.

Sabrina: I've got to go meet my pregnant friend in an elevator.

Burt: We couldn't think of anything new to do, so we're just gonna make a family video. You know, clip together some of our favorite moments from over the years.

Sabrina: That sounds boring.

Virginia: Oh, no. We're gonna talk in between the clips to spice it up a little.

Sabrina: Oh.

[Awkward silence, everyone walks away]

Virginia: [Voiceover] Raising Hope was not filmed before a live studio audience.

Para-natesville Activity [4.19]

Tyler: [regarding his grandmother's ghost] Did she say anything bad? She's a bit of a racist.

Maw Maw: So, you're just a strange man sneaking around my bedroom at night? Well, I guess I'm going to bed. By myself. No risk of pregnancy. I'll never remember. You'll never forget.

Man's Best Friend [4.20]

Sabrina: I can't believe you used to use stray dogs to hook up with girls.

Jimmy: Uh, excuse me. High school dropout working with his dad, living with his parents? My toolbox wasn't exactly overflowing.

[Michael has a spray bottle filled with "pee"]

Burt: Is that real pee?

Michael: If it was, would I do this? [squirts spray bottle into his mouth]

Burt: Maybe...

How I Met Your Mullet [4.21]

Eleanor: Here's chamomile with one sugar for you, and for the master of the house, chilled grape soda.

Jimmy: Listen, Eleanor--My God, this grape soda is good.

Eleanor: Oh, thank you. I went all the way to the bad part of town for it.

Jimmy: That's nice. And also, Nana's dead.

Virginia: As a member of the domestic service community, normally right now I'd be giving you a long talking-to about abusing your maid, but your father might be dead.

Jimmy: Eleanor, adjust my face to express shock.

Eleanor: Very good, sir.

Virginia: Allow me. [slaps Jimmy across the face]

The Father Daughter Dance [4.22]

Virginia: We know what it's like to have an ungrateful child. And an uncoordinated child. And an underachieving child. But we stuck around.

Jimmy: Hey, Mom. I'm right here.

Virginia: And a child with an annoying voice.

Jimmy: You guys said, just last week, that room was still mine if if things didn't work out with Sabrina.

Sabrina: [looks at Virginia, annoyed] Really. Just last week.

Virginia: It was your anniversary, the subject came up. And to be clear, he had just told us he was getting you a box of envelopes.

Jimmy: The first anniversary is paper.

Cast

Lucas Neff - Jimmy Chance
Martha Plimpton - Virginia Chance
Garret Dillahunt - Burt Chance
Cloris Leachman - Maw Maw
Shannon Woodward - Sabrina

External links

Wikipedia

Wikipedia has an article about:

Raising Hope

Raising Hope quotes at the Internet Movie Database