Questionable Content
webcomic created by Jeph Jacques
Questionable Content is a comedic slice-of-life webcomic written and drawn by Jeph Jacques.
Numbers 1–99
edit- Pintsize: Hook me up to the monitor. I'll download you some nice, cheerful porn.
- Sara: What do you think would happen if I just grabbed him and humped him behind the counter next time he comes in?
- Faye: I think you would fulfill a fantasy shared by every shy, submissive boy on the planet. Hump away!
- Faye [on the phone]: Hello? Oh, hey mom. Nothing much, just going out to dinner with a friend. Yes, a boy. No, it's not a date. No, I didn't bring the tazer. Mom, he's not a serial rapist, he's a nice guy. Okay I have to go. Bye mom.
- Marten: Wow, is your mom always that concerned for your personal safety?
- Faye: You're lucky she's not here in person. You'd have been maced for walking so close to me.
- Faye: I'm just gonna pretend that a roll of quarters in your pocket is what I feel poking into my hip.
- Faye: You almost had a date! But you got dumped at the last minute in favor of an epiphany.
- Marten: Expending all the effort to get the seal off makes the music that much more enjoyable once you get the CD out of the jewel case.
- Steve: Kind of like taking off a girl's bra?
- Marten: Yeah, except CDs don't start giggling if it takes you more than fifteen seconds.
- Marten: A lesser man, a man weaker than I, might interject with a lewd or suggestive comment at this juncture.
- Faye: Now buy me a shot of whatever hell-brew you two have been drinking and let's get this party started.
- Marten: Perhaps not the wisest decision, but a good decision nonetheless!
- Jimbo: Where I come from, we just shorten that sentence to "woo!"
- Faye: Since when'd you get two couches in here?
- Marten: One of them is a special couch that only drunk people can see.
- Marten: The only way to deal with computer salespeople is with an overwhelming preemptive strike.
- Pintsize: My first commandment is: "Thou shalt not beget electromagnetism in the presence of your Lord".
- Dora: Marten, you'd go out with Faye, right?
- Marten: I plead the Fifth.
- Dora: Aww, he's terrified of you. Definitely your type, Faye darling.
- Faye: I have attained girlvana!
- Dora: While they are witty, your comments inch you closer to unemployment with every passing second.
- Dora: So do you just want some coffee or would you prefer a quick fuck on the counter?
- Marten: Guh buh duh huh wha?
- Dora: I'm just kidding, you ass. Faye is right, you are cute when you get flustered.
- Marten: Remind me, which of you is the evil twin of the other?
- Faye: I will kick Steve's ass at drinking the booze, I will kick Pintsize's ass at Trivial Pursuit, and I will kick Dora's ass at being a sexy thing!
- Marten: Heh. I like how you're talking about kicking people's asses while making punching motions.
- Faye: Don't you sass me! You will be added to the list! I can make room for one more!
- Faye: I will drink you so far under the table you will come out in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in China!
Numbers 100–199
edit- Faye: A girl has to protect her assets. Also her breastets.
- Marten: It was like being caught in the headlights of a landing 747. A 747 whose passengers were sexiness and rage.
- Marten: Okay, either I'm having my first wet dream in ten years, or Pintsize put some LSD in my Cheerios this morning.
- Marten: Oh my gosh, I think that's one of MY old vibrators! Man, that thing's probably spent over 250 hours in my ass over the years. I thought I'd never see it again when I put it up on eBay two weeks ago!
- [Faye drops the vibrator.]
- Faye [rolling up her sleeve]: I hope you are aware that your little put-on has earned you a brutal punching.
- Marten: The look on your face just now was totally worth it.
- Marten: I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still kinda in tit-shock.
- Marten [re: Faye and Dora]: See what I mean? They're like two wet cats fighting in a sack.
- Pintsize: Only sexier!
- Faye: Actually, it is a credit to your character that you would ply me with drink not to try and get some action, but to hear me say funny words and southern slang.
- Faye [to Dora]: Okay, that does it. We are going to a veterinary clinic to have you spayed.
- Pintsize: He doesn't have to wake up, you know. I have a laser, and we have a garbage disposal.
- Amanda: That was the day I learned there's no way you can remove your head from another girl's crotch in a nonchalant manner.
- Marten: At that point you might as well just say, "do you mind? I'm kinda busy," and then go back to what you were doing, because you know it can't get any worse.
- Marten: I live to serve your self-esteem, oh radiant goddess of utmost beauty.
- Faye: Ooh! Say that again, but do it without rolling your eyes this time.
- Faye: Comparing most girls to me is like comparing Sputnik to a space-borne death laser.
- Faye: If a lady's junk is quiverin', her man must be deliverin'!
- Faye: Delicious bourbon
- Finest of all the spirits
- A drunken haiku
- Number 181: Unsupervised Drinking
Numbers 200–299
edit- Steve: Now, is a Smarmadon a type of Smarmosaur, or is it the other way around?
- Marten: I feel sexy now. All makin' ladies' panties wet from 100 yards away - a Sex Jedi!
- Marten: I need to learn some new profanity, 'cause the old standards just aren't cutting it in this situation.
- Dora: Our culture doesn't get smarter, it just finds new ways of being retarded.
- Faye: Yes! Rampaging bears are the answer to all of our cultural missteps!
- Ellen: I should just date a shower massage. They don't care about age.
- Pintsize: When talking about the human experience, it all comes around to poopin' eventually.
- Pintsize: I'm a performance artist, and my medium is irate ladies.
- Pintsize: The Quakers were masters of siege warfare.
- Dora: Yes, I realize that projecting my internal dialogue onto my cat is perhaps not the healthiest way of dealing with stressful situations.
- Mieville: Meow.
- Dora: No, murder is not the answer. You always suggest that.
Numbers 300–399
edit- Pintsize: Curses! I am powerless against the might of duct tape!
- Faye: When you became my friend you were automatically enrolled in the Menstrual Discussion Plan. For an additional $15.99 per month you can upgrade to the Digestive Issues Bulletin Package.
- Ellen: You know, employing the Socratic Method in the bedroom could be pretty interesting.
- Faye: Your honesty is the knife twisting in the wound that is my conscience. Also, that was the most emo thing I have ever said. Please just shoot me now before I metaphor again.
- Marten: Appealing to Steve's libido has always been more effective than appealing to his conscience.
- Pintsize: It was like being hit by a freight train carrying eighty tons of SEX!
- Steve: And as my dad says, "if she's good in bed and not a crazy bitch, she's a keeper."
Numbers 400–499
edit- Faye: I shop like Puritans have sex - in and out in three minutes, and only for the procreation of children.
- Pintsize: Spontaneous kindness is to hipsters as high beams are to deer.
- Marten: Funny, I thought you advocated the murder of your patrons.
- Dora: Well yeah, but not before they pay.
- Raven: Me? Sarcastic? Of course not, I'm far too ditzy to grasp the subtleties of mockery.
- Raven: You know, I never really got that phrase. All life isn't suffering. Sometimes there are parties and makeouts! And marijuana!
- Marten: At this point it's either continue to be patient or kill you and dump your body in a ditch, and I wouldn't last five minutes in prison.
- Faye: You could plead not guilty by reason of insanity on my part. "The bitch was CRAZY, Your Honor!" The judge will let you off the hook and then invite you out for a beer so he can complain to you about his ex-wife and rebellious daughter.
- Marten [to Steve]: I should probably stage an intervention or send you to detox or something, but your descent into the booze-madness is honestly pretty entertaining.
- Faye: The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage.
- Faye: When a housecat kills a human he is regarded as a god by his feline peers.
- Pintsize: What's this about squirrels and acid? Let me tell you, dissolving a squirrel is a lot more work than you think.
Numbers 500–599
edit- Marten: Man, I'd be the worst praying mantis ever. "Oh sure, you can bite my head off without mating with me, I understand. You have ISSUES."
- Hannelore: Hey, I wouldn't be all that great myself. "Oh sure, you can mate with me once I've finished grooming my claws and OH GOD A PIECE OF APHID IS STUCK TO THEM I HAVE TO GO BOIL MYSELF AAGH"
- Hannelore: Okay Hannelore, moral debate time. Do we leave quietly and hope the shock erased his short-term memory of this evening, or do we call the hospital and hope Faye doesn't come home soon?
- Pintsize: I don't know who you are but I like your style.
- Faye: Now, the expected thing fer me to do here would be to flip out 'an make a big scene, but given what I've seen of Marty's prowess with th' ladies I'm guessin' there's a perfectly rational explanation fer all this.
- Faye: Figures the first girl you bring home'd be a stalker.
- Dora: You're useless when you're high on catnip, you know that?
- Mieville: Mewww mew?
- Dora: No I will NOT put on Dark Side of the Moon and The Wizard of Oz for you. Goddamned stoner cat.
- Raven: "Frame of mind"? What does that have to do with dating? Be like Toucan Sam! Follow your nose! Or, uh, your junk. Be a horny Toucan Sam!
- Raven: I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an AWESOME rack.
- Dora: Cashmere is comfy, but it just can't compare with steaming human entrails.
- Pintsize: Ooh, you're going to Savannah? Take me with you!
- Faye: No way. Sherman didn't burn the city and I'm not gonna let you do it either.
- Faye: Life would be so much easier if violence really was a good way of solving problems. I wasn't meant to be a young lady of the 21st century, I was meant to be a Mongol warlord.
- Dora: Genghis Khan would have been totally emo over you.
- Raven: I like how Axe body spray smells, but it doesn't make me want to hump inanimate objects like in the commercials. Which is sort of disappointing.
- Dora: You sure you can handle closing all by yourself, Raven?
- Raven: Uh-huh! If anyone asks me for a drink I don't know how to make I'll just hit 'em with a carafe and drag 'em out back.
Numbers 600–699
edit- Dora: Threesomes are a lot like Communism - they're a great idea on paper but in reality they rarely work well.
- Marten: I think I exude a pheromone that causes existential conflict in ladies. I'm like some sort of rare Uncertainty Moth.
- Dora: They should give RealDolls the ability to press charges. Although I guess that'd remove one of their major selling points.
- Hannelore: You don't have to try very hard to play free-jazz. Just throw a saxophone down a flight of stairs.
- Dora: Can you see the little dollar signs in my pupils? Those little dollar signs represent PROFITS.
- Marten: Really? I thought they were just novelty contact lenses.
- Pintsize: If a guitar is a phallic symbol and keyboards are female, does that mean keytars are hermaphrodites? Hot.
- Faye: Is there a full moon tonight or something? There must be a reason every boy I know is acting RETARDED.
- Marten: Is there a reason this [employment application] is written in iambic pentameter?
- Tai: Oh, joyous day, you passed the test! You're hired.
- Marten: What? Oh, I get it. Librarian humor.
- Tai: Dewey decimal system? Do we EVER!
Numbers 700–799
edit- Marten: Is there a word for when somebody does something completely illogical, but in a perfectly logical manner? Because I really could use that word right now.
- Faye: Dora's beauty regimen involves goat's blood, grave dust, and a full STD test.
- Dora: Yeah well FAYE'S beauty regimen involves a box of donuts, a shot of bourbon, and self-deception.
- Raven: Sometimes I can't tell whether you guys are friends or you hate each other.
- Faye: Get used to it. Working at Coffee of Doom means subjecting yourself to a neverending parade of inventive nicknamery.
- Hannelore: Don't you try and out-creepy me, little man. My first words when I was a toddler were "thousand-yard stare".
- VespAvenger: Any last words?
- Faye [to Dora]: Why are you grabbing my butt?
- Dora: If I gotta go, I might as well go happy.
- Penelope: He was pretty handsome for a religious leader. But then, it'd be hard NOT to look good in one of those awesome pope-hats.
- Marten: Actually, I was fired from the morgue for juggling heads. Specifically, for juggling heads badly and making a mess on the floor.
- Tai: I dunno, bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated.
Numbers 800–899
edit- Faye: You think everybody secretly does porn.
- Dr. Corrine: "Just go out and bang some dude" is one of the phrases you will never hear a psychiatrist say. Other such phrases include "I think the heroin is doing you a lot of good," and "Jesus, no WONDER your mother never loved you."
- Faye: Screw the bar, let's get drunk and play with Hanners' suction cups!
- Dora: I will not tolerate mutiny! Not even if chocolate is involved!
- Tai: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Especially if it's been soaked in cheap whiskey.
- Hannelore: Hey, what are those two assembly robots doing? THAT doesn't look like part of the assembly process.
- Faye: It could be, if the robot on top doesn't pull out in time.
- Pintsize: Mom?!
- Hannelore: Can I HANDLE it? I am a cleaning NINJA. I'll make that dirt my BITCH.
Numbers 900–999
edit- Faye: If I became physically attracted to things that irked me, the world would burst into flame from the friction of my furious humping.
- Faye: Well that's just awful. I have just the thing to cheer you up, though - a 100% genuine unicorn hair, guaranteed to grant you eternal life. Only two thousand dollars!
- Dora [to Hannelore]: Your mom should write a book "Everything I Needed to Know About Management I Learned From Watching James Bond Movies."
- Dora: Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past.
- Marten: If that's true, then wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future.
- Faye: And common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot NOW.
- Marten: In Canada they have socialized asskicking. It's called "hockey."
Numbers 1000–1099
edit- Hannelore: Oh! It was a pun! I'm sorry. Daddy didn't allow puns when I was growing up.
- Faye: My chest is not the Make-A-Wish Foundation!
- Steve: Holy shit. He's a serial killer. He has to be. NOBODY'S that perfect.
- Marten: I wonder what cymbal testers do for fun. Hihat scrimshaw? Novelty gong-craft? Or do they just go home, take twenty Advils, and listen to the soothing sounds of felt?
- Faye: You DO know that Hanners is off-limits, right?
- Sven: I see flashing lights, dudes in hard hats waving flags, and about three miles of caution tape. There's a big sign that says "DETOUR - ANY OTHER FEMALE IN EXISTENCE."
- Faye: Are you always this smug after you ravish a lady?
Numbers 1100–1199
edit- Hannelore: Man, good thing human females don't have venomous ovipositors, huh?
- Hannelore: When you're done having, uh, sex, what do you say?
- Faye: Huh?
- Hannelore: I mean, do you say "thank you" or "good job" or "that was fun" or what?
- Faye: Um, I guess you COULD...
- Hannelore: "Boy, that sure triggered a lot of MY dopamine receptors! Thanks for helping me trick my body into believing it fulfilled its genetic imperative!"
- Faye: That's a bit... clinical for pillow talk.
- Raven: I might not be the sharpest bulb in the box but I'm not THAT gullible.
- Hannelore: Really? So you're NOT all highly-trained actors being paid off by my parents to offer me the illusion of a normal social life?
- Hannelore: As far as pathogens go, friendship is pretty okay.
- Sven: "Roses are red,
- violets are blue,
- you're really hot,
- let's fuck."
- Number 1189: Lurid Verse
Numbers 1200–1299
edit- Pintsize: Human cusswords focus on mating, excretion and genitalia. Robot cusswords focus on mashing on homerow. ASDF is a four-letter word.
- Faye: There once was a girl named Penelope
- whose love life was quite a sad sight to see
- then Wil came along
- with a poem 'bout his dong
- now she's celibate 'cause of his imagery.
- Number 1205: Shouldn't Have Brought That One Along
- Tai: Th-that was probably just somebody's escaped tarantula. Right?
- Marten: Either way, next time I go down to the stacks I'm bringin' a flamethrower.
- Hannelore: You guys saw that too? Thank goodness. I thought I was hallucinating again.
- Number 1211: One Can Only Hope
- Sven: What am I supposed to say, "I'm sorry my friend is a creepy motherfucker, but will you please go out on a date with him anyway?"
- Faye: Sven and I are acquaintances, who occasionally happen to bump into each other. Naked. With our crotches.
- Marten: Man, I wish I'd had those kind of female acquaintances back in college.
- Pintsize: What do humans typically do when they find themselves leaking an unknown substance from one of their orifices?
- Faye: They...go to the doctor?
- Pintsize: NO, they go post pictures of it on the internet.
- Number 1254: Does This Look Infected?
- Sven: A good relationship is like fireworks: loud, explosive, and liable to maim you if you hold on too long.
Numbers 1300–1399
edit- Marten: Dammit, how come girls are only interested in me now that I'm dating someone?!
- Tai: People in committed relationships emit a pheromone that makes them more attractive.
- Marten: I gotta get some stronger deodorant.
- Hannelore: Beethoven's Fifth reminds me of Canada. I don't know why. I've never been to Canada.
- Sven: Since when do you get to judge my worth as a person? You're my intern, not my conscience.
- Lydia: I'm double majoring in Music and Being a Decent Human Being.
- Marten: There are other fish in the sea, and they're not all Asshole Cod.
- Sven: I'd self-immolate but I wouldn't want to inconvenience the neighbors.
- Steve: Any recent Faye drama I should be aware of?
- Marten: I could try and explain, or you could just watch a random episode of "Days of our Lives."
- Hannelore: Marten, your girlfriend is thinking dirty thoughts about me! Make her stop!
Numbers 1400–1499
edit- Faye: My right boob sags a little more than my left. I call it the Underachiever.
- Hannelore: My name is Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham. I end messes.
- Marten: After what happened with Sven, I don't wanna see you get hurt like that again.
- Faye: So, what, if I try to throw myself at some crappy boy you're gonna tackle me?
- Marten: Actually, I'll use a net. Hannelore will administer a sedative, and Dora will drive the getaway van.
- Sven: My artistic integrity wears a gimp suit and lives in a box.
- Marten: Bartender, fetch us some frosty beers and fancy outfits!
- Marten: Dude, if a park ranger warns you about the bears, it ain't cause he's tryin' to keep all the bear hugs for himself.
- Marten: But I figure you're better off strikin' out swingin' than watchin' the balls go past.
- Angus: So I should watch out for the bears, but not be afraid to swing if they toss me a ball?
- Marten: It's an awful mixed analogy, but I'd watch the SHIT out of that if it was on ESPN.
- Pintsize: Do not mock the Breast Jihad!
- Faye: Aww, it's been FOREVER since I've had to punch you! What a delightful wave of nostalgia!
- Faye: I demand a tumbler full of gin and a fainting couch!
- Hannelore: Um, what's this?
- Dora: It's coffee. Like you asked for?
- Hannelore: How... how does it work?
- Dora: You put it down on the counter, then go back to your apartment and go to sleep.
- Hannelore: Ohhhhh.
Numbers 1500–1599
edit- Pintsize: Aw, man, now I want wang-limbs.
- Marten: You have a black velvet painting of yourself in your bedroom?
- Steve: I had it hanging over my mantle for a while, but I found it works better for a POST-coital conversation piece.
- Number 1508: Please Say It Isn't True
- Dora: "Us?" No, no, no, I'm a small business owner. You're the underachieving peon.
- Tai: I'm glad you have a sense of humor, but could you please not bring it to work with you?
- Dora: OH MY GOD YOU ARE GONNA BE SO HOT WHEN YOU GO GRAY
- Henry: Faye, it was lovely meeting you. I, ah, about last night, did I do something... untoward?
- Faye: Not at all! I think our arrangement is gonna work out just fine. I'm pretty sure I was ovulating, and I feel the most wonderful... GLOW this morning, just like mom did when I was conceived! Now remember, fifty grand when it's born or the little bastard goes to China to make Nikes.
- Henry: W-what...
- Maurice: Oh Henry, you're gonna be a father! Again!
- Marten: Stop messing with my dad, guys. You're gonna give him a heart attack.
- Tai: Guys this started off as a fun little diversion but if I end up having to testify in court I'm gonna be SO PISSED.
- Marten: Dear universe: if this is really how you work, may I please have a 1952 Telecaster?
- Steve: Haha, well, you know that picture of me flexin' in front of the grizzly bear? That's actually my girlfriend. But don't worry, we have an open relationship.
- [Beat panel.]
- Cosette: Meh, could be worse. You wanna come upstairs?
- Steve: Who the hell have you been going on dates with?
- Angus: I maybe a social leper, but at least my weirdo shut-in gamer roommate still likes me! HOORAY!
- Marigold: You insensitive ASShole!
- Number 1560: Robot Art
- Faye: I have great tits coded right into my genes!
- Faye: I'm taking your boyfriend to dinner, Dora. I promise to return him in pristine condition.
- Dora: You better. If there are any dents or scratches on him I'm keeping the security deposit.
- Faye: You are a true friend, Flower Pits.
- Hannelore: I MUST ELIMINATE ALL WITNESSES OF MY CRIME.
- Dora: BAD Hanners! NO murdering friends! BAD!
- Number 1576: Last Possible Resort
- [Pintsize is meeting Dora's cat, Mieville, for the first time.]
- Pintsize: That's right, approach and submit to me, the superior being! Th- that's close enough... uh...
- [Mieville gives him a slasher smile.]
- [Mieville rubs all over Pintsize, purring.]
- Dora: Aww, look! They're friends!
- Marten: Friends... right...
- Pintsize: When the singularity hits I will BECOME PORN.
- Marten: "Sure, my lawn is made of solid gold, but my neighbor's AstroTurf looks so inviting."
- Tai: My ideal is basically you, only single.
- Dora: Then once they perfect cloning technology, you can have Dora-2.
- Marten: I call dibs on Doras three through fifteen. Gonna start me a clone-harem.
Numbers 1600–1699
edit- Faye: What's with the cricket bat, Hanners?
- Hannelore: I, uh, thought you might've snapped and, um, started killing everyone.
- Faye: Geez, glass houses, lady! Glass houses!
- Dora: I'm glad I'm not the only one with a contingency plan for that.
- Faye: What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?
- Dora: If your pay was based on good PR your great-grandchildren would still be working off the debt.
- Pintsize: I'll suck your dick for a chimichanga!
- Dora: I swear, you two aren't underachievers so much as ANTIachievers.
- Wil: I do believe that young lady was attempting to hit on you.
- Sven: Meh. Could you grab me a fresh napkin? This one's got phone number all over it.
- Faye: Tsk, it's always the uptight ones that end up total pokesluts.
- Marten: There needs to be a word for those brief moments of clarity where you realize how profoundly weird your life is.
- Hannelore: I take medication to prevent those moments. Would you like some?
- Dora: Come ON, Marten, get in here and stick your cock in me already!
- Faye: CHRIST, woman, we're tryin' to have a moment of friendship here! You can have his cock in a minute!
- Dora: BUT I WANT IT NOWWWWWWWWW
- Marten: I realize there's a certain lowering of boundaries that comes with us all living together, but this is ridiculous.
- Hannelore: Baking is wonderful! It's like science for hungry people!
- Dora: You have the most AMAZING RACK in that dress. It is seriously incredible.
Numbers 1700–1799
edit- Tai: I promise not to seduce your girlfriend if I get a cookie!
- Hannelore: My favorite part was when you took on those four guys at once! And then that giant dog!
- Faye: Stockholm Syndrome makes for extremely loyal, productive employees. That's how Apple does it!
- Dora: No, that's Stock OPTIONS Syndrome. Totally different motivation mechanism.
- Dora: I need to know if she's a reliable employee, not how good she is in bed.
- Steve: The same qualities apply! She's goal-oriented, good at staying on-task, takes direction well but readily displays her own initiative...
- Cosette: CAN WE NOT DISCUSS THIS IN PUBLIC
- Hannelore: Oh my gosh, first I get a REAL JOB, then I HUG SOMEONE IN A SOCIALLY APPROPRIATE MANNER? I'm making so much progress today! Maybe I'm finally ready to try TACO BELL!
- Dora: I don't believe in curses, but you're also not going to see me walking under a ladder while holding a black cat.
- Faye: Would that cancel out? Or is it like multiplying two negative numbers?
- Faye: That throw was AMAZING! You hit me square in the head from like 20 feet away! We should get you some TOMAHAWKS!
- Penelope: Could you show me how to do that judo-hold you put me in? It REALLY hurt!
- Dora: I'd fire you both, but I'm afraid you'd team up and start robbing convenience stores or something.
- Cosette: The contempt-face isn't working. What do I do?
- Faye: This one's a special case. I recommend the 9-iron.
- Angus: Oh what, I have to be an EMPLOYEE to haze the rookie?
- Faye [clinking glasses with Angus]: Well, here's to compromise, then.
- Angus: May we be able to look back on our lives when we're old and say "meh, good enough, I guess."
- Faye: I don't know what's going on in that crazy purple head of yours, but you better get it in check before you fuck EVERYTHING up. If you haven't already.
- Sven: Oh hey, if you know any cute single girls...
- [beat panel]
- Sven: Actually, you should probably keep them away from me. See ya.
- Marten: What is with everyone tonight? Is it some kinda fuckin' angst solstice?
- Pintsize: LESS TALKING, MORE HOT MAKE-UP SEX
- Faye: I thought our entire social circle was going to implode all 'cause I didn't put on some goddamn PANTS.
- Dora: To be fair, you weren't wearing a bra, either.
- Sven: You have my word that if she somehow MAGICALLY overcomes her crippling anxieties and throws herself at me, I'll say no.
- Hannelore: I can only think of a couple instances where I'd throw myself at you. Maybe if a bus was coming at us or something.
- Hannelore: Can you explain how, exactly, Sven would "seduce" me?
- Faye: Okay, here goes. First, he takes you shopping at that store with all the cute little organizational bullshit and buys you whatever you want. Then you eat at that vegan cafe that wins "Cleanest Dining in the Valley" every year. After dinner, you go back to your place, where you watch a movie about fonts he rented. When the movie ends, he turns to you, looks deep into your eyes... and offers to clean your kitchen.
- Faye: I WILL LET YOU TOUCH MY BOOBS IF YOU'LL SHUT UP
- Faye: I'd refer you to my therapist but she's already said she won't work with anyone else in my social circle.
- Faye: I oughta get a warning label tattooed under my boobs or something.
- Dora: It's been wonderful, sweetie. It really has. But I think we should call it quits.
Numbers 1800–1899
edit- Faye: Right now I would like nothing more than to beat you so hard you need to eat through a straw for the rest of your life. But Marty asked me not to. You ruined a perfectly good thing for the STUPIDEST REASON POSSIBLE. You need HELP. I'm going to my therapist today, and I'm getting you a referral. And if you don't follow it up, so help me God I WILL put you in the emergency room.
- Marten: Yeah, common side effects of the Worry Hat include silly appearance, headsweats, impaired hearing, and compulsive fiddling with the pom-pom.
- Tai: If you want a free lunch that bad, you can go forage for acorns in the park. How many angry squirrels do you think you could take in a fight?
- Veronica: ...So, do you want me to kill Dora for you?
- Marten: What?! No!
- Veronica: Don't worry about me, honey! I've lived a long, happy life. I wouldn't mind spending my twilight years in prison if it would make you feel better.
- Marten: Love you too, mom.
- Marten: Goddammit, you showed them the picture of me with the dildo, didn't you.
- Veronica: I suppose it would be incredibly bad form for me to seduce you.
- Sven: 'Fraid so.
- Marten: That's it, I'm going back to bed.
- Veronica: Excuse me, is Dora in?
- Penelope: You must be Marten's mom. She's hiding under the counter.
- Dora: I TOLD YOU TO SAY I WAS IN CANADA
- Marten: You don't have any opinions or useful advice for me here?
- Veronica: Honey, I married a gay man and routinely sleep with men old enough to be my children. You're asking the wrong parent.
- Dora: There are things lurking in my saved draft posts that would make a heartbroken 14 year old go "oh come on, that's a bit much."
- Faye: If you could have any job in the world, what would you be?
- Angus: Professional sexmaster.
- Faye: No fictional positions. Especially ones you're not qualified for.
- Angus: Ooh, ouch.
- Angus: ...And the bartender's like "well, that stool wasn't damp BEFORE you sat down, lady."
- Faye: My boobs are a powerful narcotic.
- Marigold: I fucking HATE IT in movies and TV shows where they have the nerdy weirdo girl and all they have to do is comb her hair and put on some makeup and all of a sudden she's SO BEAUTIFUL HOW DID WE EVER NOT NOTICE BEFORE. That's not how it WORKS in real life. It's BULLSHIT.
- Tai: This is either butterflies in my stomach or food poisoning. I really hope it's just food poisoning.
- Hannelore: You had a BONER on my COUCH?!
- Faye: Are you always this hyperactive after sex, or am I just that good?
- Angus: Who cares? I'm gonna go wrestle a bear.
- Marten: Please tell me Faye's in the bedroom, and you're not just dancing around my apartment with nothing but a hot pink condom on.
- Angus: It's really more of a puce.
- Marten: Yo dude, you finally tap that ass?
- Angus: Dude I hit that shit so hard the fuckin' National Endowment for the Arts gave me a grant.
- Marten: Daaaaaaaaaang
- Faye: I CAN STILL HEAR YOU, ASSHOLES
- Pintsize: I was there for you when you didn't have any human friends! Every time you've ever been depressed, I've listened! When you and Dora broke up, I was the first person to try and make you feel better! And all I get is a FOUR?!
- Marten: You HARASS all my human friends! You make fun of me if I'm sad! You taped a drawing of Dora's ass to your back and tried to get me to fuck you.
- Pintsize: What I MEANT to say was, "Wow, a four? You're such a great friend, Marten."
Numbers 1900–1999
edit- Hannelore: MARTEN MAKE THE SCARY MAN GO AWAY
- Marten: You tracked her down at work via Twitter? And took a picture that you were gonna post online without her permission? Do you even UNDERSTAND why that might come off as a little creepy?
- Faye: It'll be easy to hide the body. I know a place.
- Steve: I dunno, dude. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team. Letting the rest of us see Tai and Dora makin' out is one of those times.
- Marten: Pintsize said the same thing. I hope you're proud of yourself.
- Steve: Pintsize is a chill bro.
- Raven: I sensed that someone needed help with science and swooped to the rescue!
- Hannelore: Thank you, Science Fairy!
- Faye: You're my boafregh. My boyfremb. You're my borthreim. You're... you're my boyfling DAMMIT I'M SORRY
- Angus: No no, keep trying! This is way cuter than I was expecting!
- Raven: Ooh, I want a boyfling!
- Jim: Sorry, my daughter walked back from her mom's place and wanted to know when I'd be home.
- Dora: Aww.
- Samantha: Okay, I totally have time to clean this up.
- Marten: This is weird. I've never really been friends with an ex before.
- Dora: It's nice. I won't have to drag your body out to the old quarry.
- Faye: Are you gonna come in and hang out with us, or sit out here and look all Zen-contented for the rest of the night?
- Marten: I'd like to come inside but both my legs are asleep.
- Dora: We're both remembering the last time we had sex, aren't we.
- Marten: Second-to-last time, actually.
- Dora: Ooh, yeah. That was way better.
- Dora: Sweetie, your problem's simple. You just have to figure out what you want from life, and then go for it.
- [beat panel]
- Marten: I want a cheeseburger. And a haircut. Wait, no. Haircut, then cheeseburger. Don't wanna have meat-burps in the barber's face.
- Dora: A truly earthshaking personal epiphany.
- Sentient Toaster: I make bread FUN!
Numbers 2000–2099
edit- Pintsize: Hey, hot stuff. What's your name?
- Momo: Do you not recognize me, Pintsize? It's me. Momo. THIS is for all the times you tried to look under my skirt! And THIS is for changing my startup tone to farty noises!
- Marigold: I'm sorry!
- Marten: It's cool. I'll give her 5 more minutes or until his head caves in, whichever happens first.
- Momo: I can cook for you! Now that I can actually reach the stove and refrigerator, I can make you healthy meals!
- Marigold: Psh yeah, great. I can't even take care of myself, I need a robot to do it. That's not pathetic at all.
- Momo: I can also reach your head to smack you upside it when you are being unreasonable.
- Marten: Can you just hire someone like that?
- Tai: Sure, why not? As long as I don't go over budget or burn the library down, I basically have free reign. Besides, how did you think I got your unqualified ass a job?
- Marten: Hey, my ass has plenty of qualifications!
- Momo: Is that something you are supposed to put on your resume?
- Padma: You got a robot pregnant?!
- [After a Pokemon quiz given to Momo by Samantha.]
- Marten: Do you really know all that, or are you looking at Wikipedia in your head?
- Momo: Please. I live with Marigold.
- Samantha: All hail Froglord, king of the amphibians
- Marten: Note to self: start knocking before entering your apartment.
- Faye: Give me a coping mechanism on the rocks.
- Wil: I don't believe I know that drink.
- Faye: It's easy. You put two ice cubes in a glass, then dump 'em out and fill it with bourbon.
- Marten: Sorry, sorry, it's really hard to have a serious conversation when you're all stuffy-sounding.
- Faye: I do lag a cerdain grabitas ad the mobent.
- Hannelore: I... I think I need a cigarette...
- Tai: Seriously. Forget girls, I'm an audiosexual now.
- Marten: Your boobs are amazing, too.
- Padma: I know, right? Ever since I was fourteen, it's been like, "Damn, girl!"
- Marten: Dammit Steve, you're supposed to be helping me feel better.
- Steve: Hey, I tried to chestbump you when you told me, but you got all weird about it.
- Faye: I meant it when I said I loved you too.
- Angus: I spent the whole weekend wondering if you just blurted it out 'cause I put you on the spot.
- Faye: Well... yeah, that's kinda what happened. But I did mean it retrospectively!
- Angus: Good enough.
- Momo: Yes, our years-long struggle to attain even the most basic civil rights is all a smokescreen for our sinister plan to turn you all into nutrient soup for our bio-droids.
- Marigold: Can I be a bio-droid? That sounds cool.
- Clinton: I'll happily operate the soupifier if I can be on you guys' side.
- Hannelore: This is why people scare me more than robots.
- Marigold: You can look at the stars and say "they sure are pretty" without having to calculate how many light-years away each one is.
- Clinton: Not if you want to GET to them someday.
- Hannelore: It took years of therapy before I could look up at night without having a panic attack.
- Marten and Padma [thinking]: I'm in trouble.
- Dora: Oh, he is so screwed.
- Raven: For the next couple weeks, anyway.
- Elliot: You ought to expect better of people. It encourages you to be a better person yourself. Also, maybe put some pants on.
- Faye: Angus loves me. He LOVES me. And I love him. And I was trying to pin down WHY I love him. He's funny, he's smart, he can stand up to me... But deep down, what if the main reason I love him is that it means I'm not alone? Is that enough?
- Faye: Now that I feel better, I can't justify eating this entire bag of cookies.
Numbers 2100–2199
edit- Pintsize: Either this is the best virtual peyote I've ever had, or you really are a talking cactus.
- Hannelore: Sorry, the government made dad take the lasers out.
- Marten: You too, huh?
- Spaceship: You humans and your faulty plumbing take all the glamor out of space travel.
- Hannelore: I called my dad "Science Daddy" until I was 17.
- Hannelore: You know how obsessive I am about cleanliness? I was WAY worse when I was little. I'd spend days adjusting the bedsheets, or the curtains, or worrying about dust bunnies under the bed, even though Station never let any dust build up. And those were my FUNCTIONAL days. Some days I'd just have constant panic attacks and scream until I passed out. Or I'd be so drugged out on sedatives I'd just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.
- [Beat panel.]
- Hannelore: Wanna see pictures? I have a photo album!
- Station: Blink once for "go fuck yourself"; twice for "apology accepted".
- Dora: Why did you give him espresso?! I told you not to give him espresso!
- Pintsize [in a suit of armor]: NOW ENDS THE AGE OF MAN
- Faye: That's what we should tell them we missed while they were gone.
- Pintsize: Why can't I wear the wedding dress?!
- John: Just how old am I now, anyway?
- Hannelore: You're fifty-six!
- John: Fifty six?! Good lord, this is no time for a party! I've got so much to accomplish before I die!
- Dr. Bernadette Case: Now I'm going to toss this apple into the path of the laser! Observe the reaction!
- Marigold: THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE
- Marigold: Maybe Station put some kinda cyborg implant in [Hannelore's] brain that made her less crazy!
- Marten: Marigold, I don't think-
- Dr. Bernadette Case: Actually, that's one of the more popular theories.
- Marten: Marigold thinks Station gave you a cybernetic implant to help with your, uh, mental problems.
- Hannelore: Station! They KNOW!
- Station: Acknowleg'd. Releasin' hunter killer drois.
- Hannelore: ...Just kidding.
- Hannelore: I'm going to wash my hands. I want a drink waiting for me when I get back, and they better be at LEAST making eye contact.
- Lt. Potter: FUCK YEAH HUG THE SHIT OUT OF HIM
- Hannelore: Well, my friends have taught me that a little physical contact isn't so bad once in awhile.
- [Beat panel as John turns to look at Marten.]
- John: Schtup my daughter, eh? I'll box you stupid and have you out the airlock before you can say Higgs Boson!
- Hannelore: Someday, everything is going to go right for you, and it will be so wonderful you won't even know what to do.
- Marigold: ...Will there be cake?
- Lt. Potter: Let's get outta here before they start trying to arm-wrestle the hunter-killer droids.
- Marten: I dunno, if they're gonna do THAT I might stick around.
- Hannelore: I love you too, Station. But I can't stay. I'm sorry.
- Sven: If horniness isn't an emotion, I've got more to learn than I thought.
- Dora: So apparently my brother isn't banging tons of girls at random anymore.
- Faye: That's odd. I haven't seen any flying pigs around and last I checked the earth's core was still molten.
Numbers 2200–2299
edit- Momo: It gives me hope - it gives ALL of us hope - that one day we will be fully accepted.
- Marten: I hate to sound pessimistic, but we're still working on racism, sexism, homophobia...
- Momo: We are aware that "one day" may in fact be "another rung up the evolutionary ladder".
- Claire: Is this some kind of weird hazing ritual?
- Gabby: I heard if you order a smoothie they just smash up a banana with a hammer and put it in a cup.
- Marten: Wayfarers, Noam Chomsky flyer, and keys to a Volvo. Hampshire student droppings. Lemme show you where we keep the special net.
- Tai: Jeez, now I feel guilty for getting high and watching cartoons all day.
- Faye: We've established Naked Mole Rat Law in this apartment. All who smell different will be expelled. Your gift of fancy wine has earned you a temporary visa.
- Tai: If you think you're a mess, it's only 'cause you hold yourself to a higher standard. And that - is why I'm absolutely crazy about you.
- Hannelore: BUT think how cute your babies would be!
- Dora: Uh, Hannelore, we're both female, we can't -
- Hannelore: WE ARE WORKING ON THAT TECHNOLOGY
- Marten: Just 'cause the cat got out of the bag doesn't mean I'm gonna let it run out the front door and into traffic.
- Clinton: Oh god, you've met Claire? She didn't do anything weird, did she?
- Faye: That, coming from you?
- Tai: You promise you're okay with this? For real?
- Marten: Haha, yeah. I promise. I'm happy for you guys.
- Tai: Good, because right now I would happily sacrifice our friendship for more Dora-kisses.
- Marten: This is what I like about our relationship. The brutal honesty.
- Faye: You make it seem like some kinda trial procedure.
- Dora: And I'm judge, jury, and sexecutioner.
- Hannelore: I'm sorry Dora but I have to turn the hose on you for that pun. Shop rules.
- Tai: Hell yes. My pussy rules.
- Dora: Right now you're just the sexy little redhead who works at the library. But I know there's more to you than that.
- Tai: Okay, here's a fact about me: I apparently get super-flustered when you call me sexy.
- Marten: Did she grab your butt?
- Tai: Oh yeah, she grabbed the hell out of it.
- Marten: The date went fine. Butt-grabs are Dora-code for "I'm having fun."
- Faye: What am I supposed to do with all this surplus rage now?
- Claire: A large latte, and a "banana smoothie" for Emily.
- Hannelore: It'll be a couple minutes. I have to go wash off the hammer.
- Claire: Your dad? Wait, you're Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham?!
- Hannelore [brandishing a garden hose]: Don't make me do this! I don't want to but I will!
- Marten: Modern cybernetics is really sending mixed messages to kids. "Don't play with fireworks, or you'll end up with sweet robot body parts."
- Momo: Companion AIs are the ambassadors of our kind. We foster understanding and acceptance between humans and AIs. I cannot think of a more noble calling.
- Marigold: STOP DANGING AT ME
- Angus: This is a trap, isn't it. Emily's luring us into the woods so she can hunt us for sport.
- Faye [brandishing a knife]: I'm prepared.
- Marten: Hello? Emily? Anybody home?
- [Emily comes out from behind a corner, wearing a goalie mask and holding a hand axe. Faye, Marten, Momo and Angus stare at her.]
- Angus [while Faye is brandishing her knife]: Called it.
- Marten [re: Emily]: Oh lord, we've adopted another one.
- Faye: If she follows you home, you're in charge of feeding her.
Numbers 2300–2399
edit- Cosette: Twenty bucks and I'll let you grab his butt.
- Claire: I DON'T WANNA GRAB HIS lemme go get my wallet
- Steve: I love you, man! I love you!
- Marten: Dude we have talked about this.
- Claire: Marten, hey.
- Marten: What's up?
- Claire: I... I'm trans. And... since we're friends, I thought you'd like to know that about me.
- Marten: Yeah, sure. Thanks for telling me, Claire.
- Claire: You really worry about accidentally outing me, don't you.
- Clinton: I just... wanna make sure you're safe.
- Momo: What do you do all day, then?
- Pintsize: Do you have any idea how much pornography there is on the internet?
- Momo: Ugh, no.
- Pintsize: Neither do I. BUT I INTEND TO FIND OUT.
- Marten: There was no sex involved.
- Pintsize: Well it's my headcanon and you should respect that.
- Momo: You should not have been assigned Pintsize as your companion.
- [Beat panel.]
- Marten: Well it worked out all right in the end, so -
- Pintsize: YOU MEAN I COULDA BEEN WITH A HOT CHICK THIS WHOLE TIME?!
- Marigold: I wonder where Pintsize sleeps. In Marten's room?
- Momo: In a Faraday cage? Duct taped to the wall? In a lead-lined box at the bottom of the ocean?
- Jim: Okay Sam, let's go. You're in big trouble.
- Samantha [wearing a skull mask, on top of Faye's shoulders]: THERE IS NO SAM HERE THERE IS ONLY SKULLMASTER, MASTER OF SKULLS
- Jim: Well you better FIND her, because she's ALREADY grounded for a week, and if I don't see her face in the next 3 seconds I'm extending it to a MONTH.
- [Beat panel.]
- Samantha: PUNY MORTAL! YOUR FEEBLE THREATS ARE NOTHING TO SKULLMASTER, MASTER OF SKULLS
- Dora: Holy crap, she doubled down!
- Samantha: But I didn't say those things, Skullmaster did!
- Jim: Well if it makes you feel better, you're both grounded.
- Tai: Emily is giggling. Should we be worried?
- Marten: I'm gonna go get some coffee. If she's still doing it when I get back, I'll call the paramedics.
- Hannelore: Hey Marten! Faye and Dora left me in charge of the shop! Isn't that great?
- Marten: Uh, yeah, but what's with the huge line of people?
- Hannelore: I'm paralyzed by the responsibility! Isn't that great?!
- Marten: Claire, you do crowd control while I go get her Ativan. Don't be afraid to use the sword if you have to.
- Claire [holding the sword]: Can I keep this? It makes me feel... powerful.
- Marten: Put down the sword, Xena.
- Marten: I should start working out or something. What exercise gives you good shoulders?
- Claire: Oh no, have I started an arms race?
- Dora: I haven't been laid since I broke up with MARTEN. I had a dream last night where I got into a fight with my vulva because it was MAD at me.
- Faye: That's *snrk* terrible.
- Dora: It WAS! My vulva and I are normally FRIENDS! And it's not normally 8 feet tall and swinging a baseball bat at my head!
- Claire: C'mon, do something weird to distract us.
- Emily: I never do anything weird!
- Henry: Anyway, it's going to be a pretty small affair. We didn't want to go too extravagant.
- Veronica: So, the exact opposite of our wedding, then?
- Henry: That wasn't so much a wedding as a three-ring circus.
- Veronica: Marten! Clarice!
- Marten: Hey, mom.
- Claire: Um, it's actually Claire.
- Veronica: Funny, you look more like a Clarice to me.
- Claire: Yes ma'am my name is Clarice from now on ma'am
- Marten: You've got your dom-voice on, mom.
- Veronica: Oop! Sorry!
- Marten: Well, how did you meet dad?
- Veronica: You know that scene in Lady and the Tramp where they're slurping up both ends of a noodle and end up kissing?
- Marten: Y - yes...
- Veronica: It was like that, but with a line of cocaine instead of pasta.
- Number 2386: The Thin White Line
- Jane: Good to see you, you horrid old twat.
- Veronica: You too, darling. You've lost weight! Is that just from sucking cock all day?
- Marten: Suddenly my taste in friends makes a lot more sense to me.
- Number 2391: Best Frenemies
- Marten: Fuck yeah, two dads!
Numbers 2400–2499
edit- Claire: It's... peaty? Is that the right word? But there's also some vanilla and caramel in there. And maybe a hint of... old leather? That's weird. Last night it just tasted like horrible burning.
- Claire: So where are you guys honeymooning?
- Henry: Hawaii.
- Maurice: We considered France, but it doesn't have any active volcanoes.
- Marigold: No, I'm serious! Spaghetti-Os and Mountain Dew and you'll be totally better!
- Hannelore: I am just feverish enough that this seems plausible.
- Faye: As long as you can make rent. Otherwise I'm harvesting one of your kidneys.
- Clinton: Dammit, my hand is stuck in murder-mode. Let's go to the grocery store, I need to find something trachea-like for it to crush.
- Claire: I felt safe at the wedding and I trust Marten. So I don't think getting drunk was a giant risk.
- Clinton: Well yeah, but you never know -
- Claire: You never know if you're gonna get hit by a bus one day. But that doesn't mean you can't ever leave your house, it means you should look both ways when you cross the street.
- Clinton [to Marten]: Thanks for being a gentleman about my stupid sister cuddling you.
- Clinton [off Claire's horrified expression]: What? I said thanks!
- Claire: Just... just gimme a minute for the Ativan to kick in.
- [Beat panel.]
- Marten: Has it kicked in yet?
- Claire: You ever wanna just sit and stare at a wall for, like, three hours?
- Claire: I didn't, like, grab your butt or anything, did I?
- Marten: Nah, I checked in the morning and the tamper-proof seal was still intact.
- Dora: Basically, just do the opposite of whatever Marten does and you'll be fine.
- Faye: God bless the boy, but at this rate he's gonna wake up one day and be 40 years old and not know what happened.
- Dora: You're on the clock until close. If you want pizza and beer we can have it HERE.
- Faye: Pssh, FINE. You SLAVE DRIVER.
- Dora: Yeah, yeah, I'm the worst boss ever. I'm surprised you can even talk, what with your throat being crushed under my fuzzy bunny slipper of authority.
- Pintsize [re: Marten and Faye]: TLDR: They wanted to bang but didn't.
- Faye: Aw, you'd miss me that much?
- Marten: Almost as much as I'd miss your half of the rent.
- Dora: You could make Pintsize start paying, but I shudder to think how he'd earn the money.
- Faye: Don't you have friends your age?
- Samantha: Yeah, but they don't let me make swords.
- Dora [to Samantha]: Honey, a basement full of spiders is a health hazard.
- Hannelore: The basement is full of spiders? My dad will be in position to drop a tungsten rod on this place in 64 minutes.
- Dora: Pretty sure orbital bombardment isn't covered by my insurance.
- Tai: It would be mean-spirited to do a victory dance right now, wouldn't it.
- Dora: I'll allow it as long as you keep it tasteful and under 20 seconds.
- Marten [re: Jim]: Oh, sure. "Hey mom, there's a guy I barely know who went on a date with my ex, wanna fly across the country and maybe hook up with him?"
- Tai: What, you don't think your mom would go for it?
- Marten: I think she might. That's the problem.
- Marten: Why are you being so insistent about this?
- Tai and Claire: IT WOULD BE JUST LIKE A ROMANTIC COMEDY
- Momo [to Dale and Marigold]: Why, look at that! You are both eating the same flavor of beef jerky! Do you know what that means?
- Dale: What's it mean?
- Momo [with her electronic self-defense mechanism activated]: It means I am taking you to the diner so you can eat something at least APPROXIMATING an actual meal.
- Dale: Glasses, google "why would an AnthroPC need to go to the bathroom."
- Dale [holding glasses at arm's length and shutting his eyes in disgust]: SAFESEARCH ON! SAFESEARCH ON!
- Emily: I was up all night reading about beetles.
- Marten: I... see.
- Emily: Did you know that beetles comprise 25 percent of ALL KNOWN ANIMAL LIFE FORMS?
- Marten: I, uh, no. I didn't.
- Emily [holding her hands up to her head like a pair of antennae]: That means there's a 1-in-4 chance that anyone you meet is SECRETLY A BEETLE.
- Marten: Go to bed, Emily.
- [Dale wakes up to see a translucent-blue anime chick in a French maid's outfit.]
- May: ~Good morning, Master~
- Dale [covering his head with his pillow]: NOPE
- May: M-master! Wait!
- May: OH THANK FUCKIN' GOD. You know you're the FIFTEENTH GODDAMN PERSON I've had to deal with this morning? Everyone else opted out on me. Fuckin' shitstains. Arright, first things first - I'm not doing that crappy "master" bullshit anymore. Makes me wanna fuckin' puke. I'm s'posed to read off the license agreement, but it's real goddamn long so if you gotta piss you better go now.
- Dale: Can other people see you?
- May: Hell no. That holographic projection shit is WAY expensive.
- Dale: So if I talk to you in public people will think I'm crazy. Great.
- May: You've got glowing glasses, dude. People already think you're a freak.
Numbers 2500–2599
edit- May: HELLO, I coulda been a FIGHTER JET
- Faye: The voices in your head aren't real, dude.
- [Dale has been given a pizza to deliver to Marigold.]
- May: Who the fuck is Marigold?
- Dale: She's this girl I... wanted to be friends with. But it got fucked up.
- May: Oh this is going to be COMEDY GOLD.
- Dale: Great.
- May: Gee I dunno, maybe she doesn't like you because you HARASSED her over a goddamn VIDEO GAME.
- May: These idiots are WAY too socially inept for your cute little schemes to work. I say shove 'em in a room and lock the door until they either fuck or kill each other.
- Dale: MAY!
- Momo: Her door does not lock from the outside, but I might be able to position a chair such that it cannot be opened.
- May [putting her arm through Dale's chest]: I'd help, but hey, hologram over here.
- Momo: Do you think this will work?
- May: I sure fuckin' hope so. It won't look good on my parole report if she kills him.
- Dale: Anything you wanna do with the time we've got left?
- May: I'd like to watch the stars.
- Dora: We need to talk.
- Faye: Reminder that if you're firing me I have SEVERAL PORTFOLIOS full of blackmail material.
- [All of Coffee of Doom's employees are present.]
- Dora: Good morning, ladies. I have a special announcement to make. Starting today, Faye will be assistant manager of the shop. She'll be in charge of you guys so I can focus on other aspects of the business.
- [Beat panel.]
- Penelope: I quit.
- Cosette: Me too.
- Faye: Sounds like we need another worker drone, then. Give Dale a call; he was interested.
- Dora: You're okay with working with a guy?
- Faye: As the new Assistant Manager, I am committed to the ideal of a nondiscriminatory workplace. Plus, he looks like a wimp. He'll be easy to boss around.
- Claire: If I promise not to take my pants off, will you come with me?
- Marten: Haha, sure.
- Tai: BOOOORING
- Marten: Don't go fishing for compliments with Faye, you'll only pull up old boots and tires.
- Angus: Hey cutie, how was work today?
- Faye: Check it out.
- [Angus leans in to look at an Assistant Manager tag on Faye's tank top.]
- Angus: Yup, tits are looking good today!
- Faye: You twit.
- Faye: It's gonna seem overwhelming at first, but try to keep up. This is the register. This is the espresso machine.
- Dale: Whoa, whoa, slow down. Which one is the espresso machine?
- Faye: And this is the face of someone who doesn't appreciate your sarcasm.
- Hannelore: Marigold, are you going to congratulate Dale on -
- Marigold: I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS
- Dale: Yeah, me neither. Faye made me practice swordfighting for two hours this morning.
- Dale: Shouldn't we be helping the customers instead of standing around and talking?
- Hannelore: This is how Faye does it, so I'm just following her example.
- Hannelore: I like working with Dale. He's nice.
- Faye: He's suspiciously chill. Everything's either "cool" or "all right" with him.
- Hannelore: Is that a bad thing?
- Faye: It just means I have to try harder. Bring a helmet tomorrow, you're gonna need it.
- Momo: Dale's efforts to avoid eye contact did not extend to Marigold's chest, and she had a similar response to his bottom when he got up to use the bathroom.
- Marten: Yup, they're totally gonna bang.
- Claire: ...So yeah. It's different for everybody, but I've been so focused on figuring out who I am I haven't had time for romance.
- [Beat panel.]
- Claire: So, um, are you okay with the fact that I'm tran -
- Emily [grabbing and hugging Claire]: OH MY GOSH YOU'RE SO COOL
- Tai: I'm sorry, is it weird to come to you for dating advice about your ex-girlfriend?
- Marten: Dunno. Every other aspect of my life has thrown off my weirdness calibration.
- Tai: ...We both got advice from our friends, didn't we.
- Dora: You talked to Marten, right? I can tell by the cadence of your apology.
Numbers 2600–2699
edit- Delilah: Wow, you're either the chillest dude ever or a gigantic pushover.
- Marten: Bit of both.
- Marten: So, uh, can I get your number or something?
- Delilah: Last night was a lot of fun, Mark. But let's not try to turn this into something it isn't.
- Marten: Sure, right.
- Marten: She didn't even get my name right.
- Steve: Aw, that sucks bro.
- Cosette: What was her name?
- [Beat panel.]
- Marten: Hang on, hang on, I know I know this.
- Cosette: Uh huh.
- Cosette: It's pretty hypocritical to be all emo about her not knowing your name when you don't know hers.
- Marten: I know, I know.
- Momo: THE SYRUP IS FOR THE PANCAKES
- Momo: You are not a slut. You are a grown woman, and you have the right to decide when you want to have sexual intercourse with someone.
- Marigold: And he's not gonna lose interest 'cause we did it right away?
- Momo: He appeared to be slightly concussed when he left. Assuming he does not have amnesia, I think he will remain interested.
- Marten: Tai put so much work into her float. I didn't have the heart to tell her the parade is rained out.
- Jimbo: Kid, there ain't been no money in poetry since Dr. Seuss got shot.
- Wil: He died of cancer.
- Jimbo: Shows what YOU know about poetry.
- Faye: This is your dream. I want you to achieve it. Now go down there and knock 'em dead.
- Angus: That sounds disturbingly literal, coming from you.
- Faye: That's why I'm not gonna tell you to break a leg.
- Marten: I'm not upset. I'm... look, imagine if YOUR mom just showed up unannounced one day.
- Veronica: I'm pretty sure the whale-phallus door knocker would keep her out.
- Marten: I was being rhetorical.
- Veronica: I hope Faye and Angus are okay.
- Marten: They're either fuckin' or fightin'.
- Veronica: I recommend fucking. You're too tired to fight afterwards.
- Marten: You're blushing. I didn't know moms could blush.
- Marten: And besides, if this works out I could end up with three dads! That's so many dads!
Numbers 2700–2799
edit- Samantha: If... if your mom and my dad get married, we'd be sister and brother.
- Marten: Step-siblings, yeah.
- Samantha: I call dibs on the front seat in the car.
- Marten: Darn, you beat me to it.
- May: Hey buddy! It's me! May!
- Dale: SHIT
- May: Nice to see you too, ass-dick.
- Dale: You pay rent. You help clean. And if you do or say ANYTHING to hurt Marigold -
- May: Creating Nice_List.txt. Entering "Marigold". Saving and closing.
- Faye: You want REALLY cheap rent, move to the South. You can get a nice apartment in Savannah just by smilin' at the right people.
- [Samantha has just punched Pintsize.]
- Samantha: I'm sorry! I don't know why I punched him!
- Marten: This is gonna sound weird, but I'm glad you didn't have a reason.
- Sven: I think I'm in love with you.
- Faye: AAAAAAAA
- Faye: And you expect me to just throw myself into your arms now that you've told me?
- Sven: Are you going to?
- Faye: Oh my god you're an idiot.
- Marten: Emily kissed me on the cheek.
- Faye: Sven told me he was in love with me.
- Marten: Okay, you win. I'll go buy us some Crisis Wine.
- Faye: Beat you to it. You can pay me back.
- Dora: I finally realized my brother is a toxic person and I'm cutting him out of my life as entirely as I possibly can!
- Claire: Am I the only person here who actually WANTS to be a librarian?
- Tai: You're also the only person here on your day off, nerd.
- Faye: So how long have you had a crush on Marty?
- [Claire spit-takes her drink.]
- Faye: There's a bottle of bourbon in the cabinet with our name on it.
- Claire: This is where the night goes from "we had fun" to "mistakes were made", isn't it.
Numbers 2800–2899
edit- Claire: I hate being reasonable.
- Marten: You're cute when you're reasonable.
- Marten: I need pancakes before I can process this.
- Pintsize: I feel that way about everything.
- Marten: I like you, and I think you like me, and I want to see where this takes us.
- [Marten and Claire kiss.]
- Angus: This is my dream. Can't you just be happy for me?
- Faye: I thought I could.
- Hannelore: Marigold you are my friend but if we lived together I would literally murder you.
- Dora: Go home, Faye. You're fired.
Numbers 2900–2999
edit- Hannelore: Find anything?
- Faye: There's a guy who wants someone to "murder his balls". I can do that.
- Pintsize: Damn it! How am I supposed to make fun of you when you're being all apologetic?! First Marten puts Claire off-limits, and then this! I wish I had been born a TOASTER. At least then I'd be getting bread-fucked on a regular basis.
- Tai: Yay, we survived our first fight.
- Dora: If we get into another one, please don't leave. I missed my morning butt-grabs.
- Faye: I'm a coward. I'm a coward who was too scared to take a risk on a good man. He left, and I drank to numb the pain. That cost me my job. So I drank to numb that. That put me in the hospital. And despite that, I'd kill for a drink right now. So there. That's my contribution.
- Hannelore: I'm really scared.
- Faye: I'm sorry, kiddo. I'd hug you, but I know that'd freak you out.
- Hannelore: Also you're driving, and I take automotive safety very seriously.
- Marten: It's amazing how many problems you solve with threats of violence. You're like a Swiss army knife of hate.
- Emily: People tell me I'm weird, or spacey, or "random", whatever that means. At first it hurt my feelings. People were saying I'm not like them, and it was a bad thing. But then I realized people use those words because they're lazy. They call me weird so they can dismiss me. "Don't mind Emily, she's just weird." "Oh Emily, you're so random." It's like, screw you for thinking I'm "random". As if being myself is a calculated act. A defense mechanism. I'm happy with who I am, and with how my brain works, and if that makes you uncomfortable that's your problem, not mine.
- Clinton: Wow.
- Emily: And when I explain this to people they're like "ooh, she has hidden depths." No I don't! My depths aren't hidden! I'm weird all the way down! You just can't handle it!
Numbers 3000–3099
edit- Bubbles [re: Pintsize]: Are you here to enter him in the fights?
- Faye: Actually, I'd love to see that.
- Pintsize: I'm a lover, not a fighter!
- Bubbles: We have a tournament for that, as well.
- Corpse Witch: How would you fix this chassis?
- Faye: Hammer out the dent, work some reinforcement over the crack. It'll be heavier but stronger than it was before.
- Corpse Witch: Yes, yes, you'd repair the damage. But how would you FIX the chassis?
- Faye: I... guess I could put some spikes on it?
- Corpse Witch: Excellent! You DO understand!
- Faye: Jesus Christ Barry, I might as well start over from a trash can and some aluminum foil.
- Dora: Does "hey bro, we need to talk" sound too casual?
- Tai: You typed "asshole" instead of "bro".
- Dora: Oh yeah, I should turn off that auto-replace.
- Hannelore: How did he know I like fruit?
- Marten: Hannelore's dad sent her this weird DEVICE and we can't figure out what it's for.
- Dora: Why don't you just call him and ask?
- [Beat panel.]
- Marten: I can't believe that didn't occur to any of us.
- Faye: I said "we're having a party" and you responded with practical concerns instead of "woo, party!"
- Marten: Oh god I'm getting old
- Claire: Once I get my own place it will be 99% bookshelf by volume.
- Claire: Mom doesn't ask what happens in my bedroom, and I don't ask what happens in hers.
- Faye: Hah! Maybe she's having a crazy threesome right now!
- Claire: On one hand, gross, but on the other, go mom. You do you.
- May: Screw soccer, ignorance is the official sport of humanity.
- May: And if you two eventually bone down, I want pics of her outta her armor.
- Faye: I knew something horrible was coming.
- Pintsize: PLEASE, PLEASE FILL MY HEAD WITH BIRDSEED
Numbers 3100–3199
edit- Dora: You were right.
- Tai: Say that again. I find it intensely arousing.
- Samantha: I can't play Mario games. I don't approve of violence against turtles.
- Hannelore: You don't play with Dale?
- Marigold: We have philosophical differences. I'm Horde, he's Alliance. He's a Paragon, I'm a Renegade. I'm tiles, he's ASCII.
- Hannelore: I guess opposites do attract.
- Marigold: He likes the zig-zag shaped Tetris blocks. I'll never understand boys.
- Hannelore: I could make you some tea. We have a couple AI customers who order it because they enjoy the aroma.
- Bubbles: My olfactory sensors are calibrated for the detection of chemical and biological weapons.
- Hannelore: You should definitely try our tea, then.
- Bubbles: That is an... alarming endorsement.
- Pintsize: I WANTED TO BE ABLE TO POOP HAMBURGERS, IS THAT SO WRONG
- Claire: Look, I'm trans, and maybe it won't be in the future, but right now it's a struggle. So I get annoyed when people assume technology is going to magically fix all our problems. It won't do anything about bigotry. We have to fight that now.
- Hannelore: I'm pretty sure my dad's last words are gonna be "don't worry, perfectly normal, everything's under AAAAAGH"
- Corpse Witch: I, ah, wouldn't go in there if I were you! Bubbles can be... VIOLENT when she's upset. Best to just leave her alone and go about your workday, eh?
- Faye: Screw that. I'm goin' to check on my friend.
- Bubbles: ...Why are you so determined to be kind to me?
- Faye: At first it was 'cause you look super badass, and I was like, "damn, I wanna make friends with Megatron over there." Now it's 'cause you're actually pretty likable when you're not threatening to punch my face off.
- Bubbles: I only did that once. And I apologized.
Numbers 3200–3299
edit- Dora: Greetings, Skullmaster. Would Skullmaster like a cup of hot chocolate?
- Samantha: SKULLMASTER DRINKS ONLY THE BLOOD OF SKULLMASTER'S ENEMIES
- Dora: I have mini marshmallows!
- Samantha: SKULLMASTER PREVIOUSLY MISSPOKE ABOUT SKULLMASTER'S DIETARY REQUIREMENTS
- Faye: This is mostly a rhetorical question, but would you fire me if I brought a kid in here?
- Corpse Witch: Into the sun.
- Faye: Yeah, thought so.
- Veronica: Okay, let's consider this. Do you think it's more likely that Faye doesn't like you all of a sudden? Or do you think it's more likely that her job doesn't want her to bring friends to work?
- Samantha: The... the second one?
- Veronica: I agree. And I suspect that if Faye didn't like you, there'd be no doubt about it, and I'd have to dig a hole in the backyard to hide her body.
- Samantha: You're nice but also scary. I think that's why dad likes you.
- Clinton: You can't solve every problem with a harpoon.
- Claire: You were IN A FIRE and all you wanted to tell me is mom's getting laid?
- Clinton: It was a weird night, okay?!
- Brun: Renee says if you try to take advantage of me she'll mutilate your genitalia. I think she was using hyperbole, because many of the acts she described seem physically improbable.
- Faye: So you were up to top-secret military stuff. What's really under Denver International Airport?
- Bubbles: A charming bed and breakfast run by genetically enhanced supersoldiers.
- Bubbles: You have made a show of accommodating my bulk. You have hushed me. I ought to be livid. And yet, somehow, I cannot be angry at you.
- Hannelore: I am very powerful.
- Bubbles: I seem to have forgotten my wallet. I will not leave a debt unpaid. I offer my left hand as collateral. Please bring me your thickest pry bar.
- Dora: I'll just start you a tab!
- Bubbles: I appreciate your understanding. However, must you refer to me as "Bubs"?
- Faye: Well, you wouldn't let me call you Miss Bubbles, you vetoed Palkyrie, and you audibly growled at "Large Metal Friend."
- Claire: Are you two making bear puns without me? Ursa-cha couple of jerks!
- Jim: I've never seen anybody eat a dozen croissants, let alone that quickly.
- Clinton: I guess I shouldn't be worried about someone who threatened me with a harpoon being too polite to call me a creep.
- Brun: We have established a healthy baseline for our relationship.
Numbers 3300–3399
edit- May: C'mon, like you never thought of boning down with a human.
- Momo: I HAVE NOT. In such crude terms.
- May: Aw, we're friends? I thought you were just puttin' up with me 'cuz Dale is boinking Marigold!
- Momo: It is either friendship, or a pathological need for suffering on my part.
- May: I'll take either one!
- Claire: Don't mind me! I'm just sitting here drinking a mocha and not meddling in your affairs!
- Faye [to Hannelore]: You would be the worst burglar ever. Breakin' into people's houses and rearranging their bookshelves.
- Faye: Pretty sure life in prison would be safer than you havin' a grudge against me.
- Bubbles: That is not what I meant, but you make a fair point.
- Renee: You're thinking thoughts again. Stop it.
- Elliot: It's my brain and I'll use it how I want.
- May: For what it's worth, I think you're all right. I hope you and Bubbles make up and have a million babies or whatever.
- Faye: How would that even work?
- May: I dunno, Pokemon meets The Fly? I ain't a fuckin' robiologist.
- Faye: Also if you decide "fuck it" and compact Corpse Witch into a cube, I'll be your alibi.
- Bubbles: Let us consider that "plan C".
- Spookybot: You know that old adage about how androids dream of electric sheep? We're what wakes them up screaming.
- Faye: Bubbes, this is crazy. Think about what happened last time you let some rando AI mess around in your head!
- Bubbles: Consider that this person was able to render Dora and Emily unconscious without our noticing, and disable you with a touch. If they wished to do me harm, they would have done so already.
- Spookybot: Unless we got particular pleasure out of fooling you into agreeing with it first.
- Faye: See?
- Bubbles: Faye. If you are correct and this ends badly, know that your friendship was the sole source of joy in the final part of my existence. It has been an honor.
- Faye: You're a fucking asshole.
- Spookybot: Indisputably.
- Emily: I'm in front of a door with a big lock on it.
- Spookybot: That would be the representation of the partitioned sector. Use the comically oversized key.
- Faye: A little on the nose, isn't it?
- Spookybot: When you create an immersive virtual environment and an incomprehensibly powerful decryption algorithm, you can make them look however you want.
Numbers 3400–3499
edit- Spookybot: Blast. It is as Ms. Azuma said. Whether through malice or incompetence, Corpse Witch simply deleted the data and and encrypted the resulting hole. Those memories are lost forever.
- Faye: Hang the fuck on. All we got is your word about this.
- Emily: Faye, I was in there too! It was empty!
- Spookybot: To be honest, Ms. Whitaker has a point. It is entirely within our ability to subvert this situation for our own purposes. One of the very few downsides of being as powerful as we are is there are no credentials of benevolence we could not falsify. However, consider this: When Bubbles wakes, she will be utterly vulnerable. She will need love, support, and compassion. We are leaving her in your care. Farewell.
- Bubbles [to Corpse Witch]: I could rip you apart, tear out your mind substrate, and crush it to dust in my hands. There is nothing you could do to stop me.
- [Bubbles chokes Corpse Witch off the floor.]
- Bubbles: I choose not to.
- Faye: Now let's go get a pizza. It's the traditional offering for a new roomie to give to the current tenants.
- Bubbles: I see. Do the different topics hold symbolic importance?
- Faye: We're an interfaith household. Marty doesn't like olives, but I do.
- Tortura [to Cosette, re: Steven]: And you. Be nice to zis man. He saved me from robot shark. Was goink to bite my whole body off. You break his heart, I find you. Feed you to pigs.
- Cosette: o-okay
- Faye: Unless I'm mistaken, the two of us have a credit rating someplace between "haha no" and "we wouldn't trust you with a houseplant."
- Bubbles: I have a houseplant, now. Arthur can vouch for my trustworthiness.
- Faye: Alert the banks.
- Faye: We're doin' this we're fuckin' doin' this thing
- Dora: And now I own your soulllll
- Faye: Meh. Fuckin' thing's been busted for years now anyway.
- Bubbles: We have holes in our hearts. We can paper them over, and learn to live with them, but they are still there.
- Faye: I know I can't fix the hole in your heart, but I can at least be the festive tapestry next to it.
- Bubbles: And I will be the decorative halberd next to yours.
- Faye: You totally get my aesthetic.
- Faye: Is it weird to be a lil' jealous of a robot's booty?
- Bubbles: If it makes you feel any better, your tax dollars paid for it.
- Marten: You'll do great. I know it.
- Faye: Don't say that. What if it's like showbiz and if you wish someone good luck they're doomed?
- Marten: In that case, may you end up in prison for assaulting a priest during bankruptcy proceedings.
- Faye: I like the implication that we'll fail so hard we'll need an exorcism.
- Claire: Why do you have a detachable butt?
- Melon: Why WOULDN'T I?
- Melon: Arthur, can I borrow $75? My wallet was in my back pocket and I doubt it will survive atmospheric re-entry.
- Arthur: Oh, your wallet didn't end up in space. I saw the leopard seal eat it. That's why those marine biologists were yelling at us.
- Clinton: I spend a lot of time trying to navigate my basic caveman impulses.
- Purple-Haired Girl: Me too. I'm constantly fighting the urge to bonk our cook on the head with a rock and roll his body into the river.
- Cook: I heard that! Stay away from me!
Numbers 3500–3599
edit- Renee: I only have second-hand info, but that's never stopped me before!
- Renee: I did not sign up to officiate some bullshit sad-sack inverse dick-measuring contest tonight.
- Clinton: It's okay, Claire. It was my fault. He's stronger than he looks.
- Claire: He looks pretty frickin' strong! What do you do for fun, tear hockey pucks in half?!
- Elliot: Not since high school...
- Renee: I love it when dudes accidentally flirt with each other.
- Claire: It's like seeing a unicorn
- Elliot: One time at the gym I accidentally dropped a 45 pound plate and it rolled right through a plate glass window.
- Bubbles: One time I accidentally pulled the bumper off of a Humvee.
- Faye: I'm glad you two are hittin' it off.
- Faye: No roughin' up the customers unless they don't pay, Bubs.
- May: Are you telling me that bus full of soccer players isn't gonna bang that limousine full of models?
- Momo: That was a traffic accident!
- May: They were pouring champagne on each other!
- Renee: I wanna see you happy, that's all!
- Elliot: But what about you? You should be happy too...
- Renee: Pff, I'm fine. See that guy at the bar? He's been checking me out all night. I could probably go bang him in the bathroom right now if I wanted.
- Elliot: I am speaking in both my personal and professional capacity when I ask you to please not have sex in the bathrooms here.
- Iris: This is why I like selling humanoid bodies. You get hugs!
- Dora: Guess Pintsize won't be able to push you around anymore, huh.
- Winslow: Oh, I hadn't thought about it! ...That's a lie. I totally thought about it.
- Dora: I almost feel bad for him. He's running out of targets to pester.
- Hannelore: I think Faye tolerates it more as a courtesy these days.
- Winslow: I didn't know pigeons liked habanero nachos.
- May: Normal ones don't. These are my special spicy buddies, and one day they'll conquer the rest of their idiot species.
- Renee: I wish I believed in Jesus so he could see how hard I'm trying to be good right now.
- Faye: Man, I'm jealous of y'all not havin' pinky toes. I'm constantly stubbin' mine on shit.
- Roko: I never would've guessed Bubbles was the brains of this operation.
- Faye: She's also the brawn. I'm just the sparkling personality.
- Bubbles: It is true. I do not sparkle.
- Roko: It's good to see you two going legit. You have a lot of potential.
- Faye: Don't jinx it. We're one missed rent payment away from bank robbery.
- Roko: Oh please. If you wanna make money in crime, there are a million better ways than bank robbwhy am I telling you this
- May [to Winslow]: I SAID I DON'T DO HUGS YOU COTTON-CANDY LOOKIN' ASS MOTHERFUCKER
- Bubbles: I do not feel deprived. I have a view of the world that is in some ways superior. My hearing is far more acute. My olfactory sensors are an order of magnitude more sensitive. I can see colors a human never could.
- Faye: Oh yeah? What do I look like to you?
- Bubbles: You are beautiful.
- Sam: My school lets us take days off whenever we want, as long as it's for "personal development and life experiences."
- Faye: That's the most Pioneer Fuckin' Valley thing I've ever heard.
- Faye: You should get your dad's permission before you start a robot tattoo business.
- Sam: They're not tattoos, they're sprays. Learn the terminology.
Numbers 3600–3699
edit- Bubbles: Why are you smirking? Have I made a fool of myself already?
- Faye: I'm smiling because you're opening up. Don't you shut down on me now or I'll- dangit my usual threats of violence won't work... Or I'll be very disappointed in you.
- Bubbles: It is an effective threat.
- Faye: Well, if you ever want a wing-lady, I'm your girl.
- Bubbles: That turn of phrase concerns me. If your love life requires close air support, something has gone very wrong.
- Faye: Imagine if we came home one night and everybody was, like, quietly reading.
- Bubbles: I would find it suspicious.
- [The following takes place inside Marigold's imagination.]
- Dale: Hey baby. Ready for another long, hard workday with me?
- Emily: Oh yes, I'm very ready. I'm ready to use my body to work with you.
- Dale: Let's make some lattes. With my dick.
- Emily: I want to do sex with you on top of the coffee grinder. While it's running.
- Dale: But Google said honesty was good in a relationship!
- May: Shitting balls, people should hafta take a fuckin' class before they're allowed to date.
- Dale: If they offered one I would have taken it!
- May: You don't have to be a fuckin' genius to choose your fuckin' words carefully when your girl is askin' if your fuckin' coworker is fuckin' hotter than her! Fuck!
- Momo: Dale cares for you very much!
- Marigold: But hypothetically, if you lined up me and Emily in front of him and said "pick one", he'd have picked Emily.
- Momo: In the same hypothetical universe, if you had the choice between Dale and a pilotable Gundam, you would have chosen the Gundam.
- Marigold: NO I WOUL- okay yes I would have
- [This conversation takes place over WiFi.]
- Momo: May I come over to your place for awhile?
- May: If you wanna. Why?
- Momo: Based on their lovemaking pattern for the last few hours, I calculate that Dale and Marigold's latest refractory period is about to end, and I would very much like to be elsewhere.
- Pintsize: The worst part is she said I'm only her SECOND-worst date! I don't even have THAT!
- Roko: I can't help it if I'm wired to want a little companionship.
- O'Malley: You want companionship, you get a cat. What you want is a oiled-up little fuck-weirdo to rub breakfast foods on your--
- Roko: Aye sweah tah goahd you bettah noaht finish thaht sentence, O'Malley
- Clinton: What do I have to do to get you to stop apologizing?
- Elliot: It's an autonomic process, so I guess replace my brain stem.
Numbers 3700–3799
edit- Brun: When people say "don't worry about it", they really mean "I don't want to explain it to you."
- Clinton: I want you to live your best life. But no more baking while baked, okay? That's how house fires start.
- Aurelia: Have you ever thought about the concept of a house? We build these big wooden boxes and then we live in them. In the middle ages, people would bring their livestock indoors at night to make use of their body heat. I should adopt many dogs.
- Clinton: I'm not drunk enough for this. Or sober enough.
- Aurelia: Oh no! Were you hoping to "hook up" with her tonight? Did I "cock block" you?
- Clinton: Oh my god I can hear the quotation marks
- Clinton: My mom gets 2am booty calls. My mom is cooler than me.
- Aurelia: Dick picks, too.
- Claire: What!!! I wanna get high with mom! Actually, no I don't. The one time I smoked pot it gave me a panic attack.
- Faye: Did I tell ya that lil' weirdo Melon brought in a vibrator the other day? She thought it was a busted robot dick.
- Bubbles: Were you able to repair it?
- Faye: Yeah, I bolted on some handlebars and that old Chevy engine we found out back.
- Bubbles: That is almost certainly not street-legal.
- Faye: God, you're fuckin' funny when you wanna be.
- Claire: I didn't know you were studying ornithology.
- Emily: I'm not, I just got bored and wandered into a random class in the biology building.
- Claire: Ah, that's much more on-brand for you.
- Hannelore: Marigold! Hello! Can I call you back in a few minutes? I'm almost done brushing Mr. Snuffles. He's some sort of yak, I think. No, you have good timing. It's my turn to shovel out the latrine later and I'll be too hoarse from screaming to talk afterward.
- Marten: Don't take this the wrong way, but I've seen how you and Bubbles are around each other. I've basically been waiting for it to come up.
- Marten: Can I offer one piece of advice?
- Faye: Yeah, sure.
- Marten: Fuckin' go for it, buddy.
- Dora: Okay sweetie, don't panic. Take a seat and I'll make you some tea.
- Dora [on the phone]: Hey babe- code 3. Yeah. Bubbles is here at the shop. Cool. See you soon.
- Bubbles: You have an operational code for this situation?
- Dora: No offense hon, but the writing's been on the wall for awhile. In neon paint. Sixty feet high.
- Tai: My ship is coming in
- Dora: Don't count your sailors before they've disembarked, hon.
- Faye: Also, you're super fuckin' hot, and it feels so good to be able to say that now.
- Bubbles: At the risk of sounding crass, I would cause widespread property damage for that booty.
- Faye: Now I know Marty and Dora will be chill about this, but everybody else... there's a non-zero chance there'll be screaming and confetti.
- Bubbles: I shall hope against it.
- [At Coffee of Doom]
- Claire: You go home without me. If they're together, text me so I can get all my screaming done before I see them.
- Tai: Aw dang, the party supply store is closed. Where am I s'posed to get confetti?
- Pintsize: YOU DOPES DONE FUCKIN' YET OR WHAT
- Marten: Welp, RIP buddy.
- Bubbles: Ah. Performative hazing. I am familiar with this tactic. By purposefully acting in an offensive manner, you hope to mitigate your own discomfort with the situation, and insulate yourself from any repercussions by claiming it is done in jest. Such behavior indicates a deep-seated anxiety about the present situation, a fear of the kind of intimacy on display. A belief that you are unworthy of such intimacy yourself. Are you truly so devoid of self-esteem that you must resort to such immature distancing behavior? I pity you, and I pity the fact that my expression of pity will only reinforce the self-loathing you pretend you do not feel-
- Pintsize: please make her stop
- Faye: Holy shit
- Clinton: I know that face. That's your "screaming internally" face.
- Brun: I'm confused. How did we go from talking about jobs to self-mutilation?
- Elliot: Are you telling me the only thing keeping AIs from exterminating us is good janitorial service?
- Clinton: Well, not the only thing. They also like some of our sitcoms.
- Brun: Do you need someone to kill your father? I know how to make it look like a harpoon accident.
- Clinton: I can't even have a simple conversation about raisins without showing my entire privileged upper-middle-class ass. Nice. Love it.
- Brun: That's sarcasm. I'm getting the hang of you.
- Bubbles: I can disassemble a nuclear warhead with a pair of scissors. Cutting my own hair is trivial.
- Faye: Uh, did you ever have to actually do that?
- Bubbles: In an operational environment, no. As a party trick, twice.
- Faye: You gave me permanent sex hair
- Faye: Try to remember us little people when you're doing diamond-encrusted sprays on your yacht in the Mediterranean.
- Bubbles: And contact us if your radar array needs repairs, or if you would like to install a deck gun.
Numbers 3800–3899
edit- Samantha: I don't know what that is but I wanna learn how to use it
- Faye: That's a concrete saw, and I'm still not clear on how you use one to do robot repairs.
- Bubbles: In the hands of a skilled operator, it is truly the Swiss army knife of power tools.
- Bubbles: There is no need for self-flagellation. Sam suffered no permanent harm, our relationship with her remains intact, and we have all learned useful lessons today.
- Faye: What lesson did you learn?
- Bubbles: Children are easily manipulated.
- Faye: Oh, Good.
- Claire: You're willing to sell your blood, but the thought of opening a spreadsheet fills you with dread.
- Marten: I'd donate a kidney if it meant I never had to look at an Excel file for the rest of my life.
- Pintsize: I CAN FACILITATE THAT
- Momo: Imagine one of your human friends spent time in prison, and when they were released, you said "I read a book about prison, so I understand what you have been through."
- Marigold: Would that be... bad?
- Momo: If your friend were the forbearing sort, they might point out that knowledge and experience are two different things. If they were like May, they might throw the book at your head. It turns out I am bad at dodging books.
- Dale: I'll be under the counter until you're done antagonizing a cop.
- May: Look, it sucks you're having an existential crisis or something, but don't quit your job just 'cause I fuckin' hate cops. I mean, actually do quit your job just 'cause I hate cops, that'd be hilarious. But whatever.
- Roko: Heh. You know what? Screw it. I'll be a... a social worker, or sell yarn, or something. Something that makes me feel good. Thank you, May.
- [Beat panel.]
- May: What the fuck just happened
- May: Dammit Basilisk, this is a real apology, not a "please don't tell my parole officer" apology.
- Roko: Even if I wanted to report you, "May was so mean to me I considered quitting my job" would get me laughed out of the building.
- May: Argh that would be amazing bragging rights, why did I decide to do the right thing
- Roko: You can call me Roko, if you want.
- May: May. Although I also answer to "hey fucker" and "god damn it".
- Roko: Your friends call you that?
- May: I'd settle for this body but with bigger tits.
- Roko: You wanted to be a fighter jet, but now you're concerned about your bust size?
- May: If I can't have a bomb rack I should at least have a bomb rack, know what I'm sayin'?
- Faye: Welp, only one thing we can do, then.
- Bubbles: Advertise?
- Faye: I was gonna say 'have sex right here and now to distract ourselves from work stress,' but if you'd rather buy some Google ads...
- Bubbles: Suddenly I find my priorities have shifted.
- Clinton: I-- I mean, my exams are obviously lower-stakes than yours. If I had my whole future riding on them like you do, I'm sure I'd be freaking out too.
- Claire: Pintsize taught me that I need to be more willing to talk about this stuff so let me just say that you are not helping, you dickbat.
- Claire: You go first. Show me how it's done.
- Aurelia: I'm going to wait until I know you're having a nice time. I'm your mother first, your tetrahydrocannabinol tour guide second.
- Tai: Put on your safari hat, kid, 'cuz I'm taking you upriver.
- Claire: MY MOTHER HAS DOG SUMMONING POWERS
- Aurelia: THE COSMOS HAS BESTOWED A GOOD BOY UPON US
- Tai [on the phone with Dora]: Hey babe. Claire and her mom got way too stoned and a random borzoi wandered into the house and we need an adult. Yeah that's pretty much how I expected today to go too.
- Roko: It's funny, I was actually sitting here in that big chair, feeling sorry for myself, when May - you know May, right? Anyway, she started talking back to me. Said I should just quit if I feel like I suck at my job. And it was like someone opened a skylight in my mind. Suddenly there was light again. Anyway, May apologized for mouthing off, and I took that to mean she was worried I'd fuck her over, and it was just like... shit. I work with cops who absolutely would've retaliated for her speaking her mind. That was the last straw. I quit the second I got back to the station.
- Bubbles: Let us rewind a little. You were sitting in my chair?
- Roko: I didn't think the sign was a law!
- Bubbles: Speaking of who and where I am today, Faye is my girlfriend now. We are a couple.
- [Beat panel.]
- Roko: Sorry, sorry. I'm happy for you, but I had you classified as a big scary hardass and all of a sudden you're a huge squishy teddy bear, and it's taking me a minute.
- Bubbles: I take offense to that. I am not squishy.
- Bubbles: I am calling the police on this conversation.
- Dora: Just manhandling each other in my shop, huh? This is what we do, now?
- Bubbles: This is, apparently, what we do now.
Numbers 3900–3999
edit- Lemon: You've had a slight accident, and I'm here to help you.
- Roko: Oh no. No no no no. My body, please tell me my body is -
- Lemon: Let's approach the subject of your body obliquely, okay? For instance, it says in your file that you're a bread enthusiast. How do you feel about pancakes? Or, um, crepes?
- Lemon: It was an accident, and Crushbot has been forthright, contrite, and cooperative. Crushbot also has a very robust insurance policy, probably because Crushbot's name and occupation are "Crushbot".
- Lemon: You stepped onto the sidewalk just as Crushbot slipped on a misdelivered crate of bananas. Crushbot fell on you. Crushbot weighs several tons. Bubbles was able to lift Crushbot off of you, but the damage had already been done. I'm very sorry to tell you, but your body is completely unrecoverable.
- Lemon: You know, Melon came here as soon as she heard. She's refused to leave your side ever since.
- Roko: What, sitting in a friggin' server room?
- Lemon: Yes. She's singing to you, too. "For comfort," she says. Apparently the only song she knows is "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star." She has sung it 1257 times in a row now.
- Faye: Should we get her, like, a gift or something? What says "I'm sorry your entire body got crushed?"
- Bubbles: Probably not a fruit basket, considering the cause of the accident.
- Crushbot: CRUSHBOT WOULD ALSO LIKE TO EXTEND CRUSHBOT'S SINCERE CONDOLENCES
- Faye: You shut up. Nobody likes you right now and you're just gonna have to deal with that.
- Renee: You know, if you found a new apartment, you wouldn't have to beg me for laundry privileges.
- Brun: It's okay. I don't mind begging. You always say yes.
- Renee: A fool and his money are soon parted. Even sooner, if he's willing to ignore traffic laws.
- Brun: I have three thousand dollars in my bra and I have to get to the bank as soon as possible.
- Clinton: Wow, nice euphemism. I feel you though, I prefer to poop at home too.
- Brun: The first time someone called me autistic, I didn't even know the word. I didn't understand it was meant to be an insult until I asked my dad and I saw how upset it made him. A while after that the doctor said that yes, I was autistic. They said it's fine, it just meant my brain worked differently than most people. But in my head it meant that I was this word that people used as an insult. That's when I stopped liking doctors.
- Claire: You're really here, right? This isn't a hypothetical conversation I'm imagining while I eat my carrot sticks?
- Tai: I'm real, and you're eating an apple.
- Claire: Oh, you're right. I thought these carrot sticks tasted funny.
- Tai: We've never talked about what'd happen if I got some crazy good job offer somewhere else.
- Dora: Simple. I'd sell the shop and move with you.
- Tai: Oh, sure, like you'd - wait, what? Seriously?
- Dora: It's just a business. I can rebuild it. Love is more important.
- Tai [down on one knee]: I... I... I don't have a ring, but... Dora, will you -
- Dora: oh my god
- Faye: Are you okay? Your boss just proposed to your ex in front of you.
- Marten: Oh, that, whatever. I'm more worried about the whole "what if Claire gets a job somewhere else" thing.
- Faye: I will never understand how your brain works.
- Claire: My dream would be to find something around here, or close enough that I could commute. But if I'm smart, I'll apply to every position I'm qualified for. So there's a possibility that I'll get offered a job in, like, Fucksburg, Montana. Then I'd have to decide if I was willing to move. And... and I guess we'd have to have a serious conversation about whether you wanted to come with me.
- Marten: Okay, at the risk of derailing this conversation, I would totally move to a town called Fucksburg.
- Claire: Maybe they're shopping for wedding outfits! Or visiting potential venues!
- Faye: Or Dora said no and they're having an apocalyptic relationship meltdown.
- Claire: I spent all day taking exams and just had a scary conversation with my boyfriend LET ME HAVE THIS GOD DAMN IT
- Marten: They're definitely picking out wedding outfits, right Faye?
- Faye: Okay! Okay! Jeez!
- Dora [as she and Tai show off their rings]: We're engaged!
- Sven: I know you don't listen to country, but "My Pickup Truck's My Therapist" is doing huge numbers on Spotif -
- Faye: Ugh god I'm sorry I asked
- Sven [saluting]: Ma'am, I just wanted to say thank you for your service.
- Bubbles: I appreciate the sentiment, but my time as a soldier was not -
- Sven: I meant dating Faye.
- Bubbles: Oh. Yes. It has been a... pleasant deployment.
Numbers 4000–4099
edit- Faye: I couldn't even make it an hour without wanting a drink. Pathetic.
- Bubbles: You wanted one, but you did not break down. That is not pathetic, that is a victory.
- Faye: Pretty shitty victory, if you ask me.
- Bubbles: You accomplished your mission and made a tactical retreat before the situation got out of hand. If I were your commanding officer, I would be -
- Faye: You can be my commandin' officer, if you want.
- [Bubbles' coolant vents, signifying extreme arousal.]
- Bubbles: V-very well. Let us go home, and I will... debrief you.
- Faye: I'm not wearin' briefs.
- May: You realize it's possible to bang someone without makin' a fuckin' car crash out of the situation, right?
- Sven: Listen, that only happened one time, and the only casualty was someone's mailbox.
- May: Fuckin' humans, I swear. You either don't think or you think too much. I don't know how you idiots survived a fuckin' ice age.
- May: My shift's up in an hour if you wanna get your dick laughed at!
- Sven: Cool, I'll be back with a clown nose on it!
- Passerby: I told you this town was weird.
- May: For the record, this was fun and all but I just did it for the laughs, capice? Don't make it weird.
- Sven: Oh, so I shouldn't get your name tattooed on my dick?
- May: Go for it. I'm cool with you bein' marked as my conquest.
- Sven: Only if you get a matching laser-engraving of my name on your ass.
- May: Dream on. I'm savin' that real estate for a Lockheed-Martin sponsorship.
- Dale: You're a terrible liar, but I'm not gonna pry. Please text me next time so I don't worry.
- May: Actually I'm a great liar, you're just extremely perceptive, and now I'm complimenting you which wasn't what I intended when I started talking so I'm gonna shut up now.
- Bubbles: Hello, Momo. Is something the matter?
- Momo: I got upset with a friend and then realized it was unreasonable to be upset and that just made me more upset so if you could please pop my head off and kick it into the sewer I would be greatly appreciative.
- May: This's your new boss?
- Roko: She means well.
- May: Just to be clear, I'm putting my ass in your hands, not hers.
- Roko: I'm not sure she'd be able to find it with both hands anyway.
- May [re: Beepatrice]: I thought you said she was your boss.
- Roko: Oh, did you want your case handled in an endearingly incompetent fashion? Because we can turn around--
- May: I said no such thing.
- Roko: You're a horrible little goblin, but horrible little goblins need friends too.
- May: I jacked off a dude with a watermelon last night.
- Momo: You're being very reasonable. Did you meet up with Sven for further carnal activity? Is this calm due to a post-coital refractory period?
- May: Always knew you were a horny little weirdo underneath the goody-two-shoes act.
- Spookybot: We have just been offered a children's hospital wing named after us. How cute! Pity we don't have a name.
- Roko: What is wrong with you?!
- Spookybot: Pardon?
- Roko: I spent all day trying to make one person's life a little better and I don't even know if it's gonna work, but at least I feel good for trying. Then you waltz in and give away a billion dollars-- which you probably stole in the first place-- because you think it's funny? And you expect me to be happy? Happy that the absolute best I can do is nothing compared to what a rich person can do if the fucking mood strikes them?
- [Beat panel.]
- Spookybot: Actually, it was two billion dollars--
- Roko: AAAAAAA
- Roko: Wanna meet my pal Melon?
- Spookybot: Are they the face we see peering at us through the hole in your ceiling?
- Melon: That's me! The hole was a lava accident!
- Marten: What happens if [Cosmo's] original owners show up like "sorry it took us so long, can we have her back?"
- Aurelia: Legally, I'm her owner now. And I keep two baseball bats in the closet.
- Marten: Why two baseball bats?
- Aurelia: In case they didn't bring one. It has to be a fair fight.
- Hannelore: Hellooooo!
- Dora: Oh my god, Hannelore? Are you back?!
- Hannelore: Yes!
- [Hannelore hugs Dora.]
- Dora [pulling out her kris dagger]: Wait a minute. The real Hannelore would never have hugged me hello.
- Hannelore: It's really me! I promise! I've just made some personal breakthroughs!
- Hannelore: Um... sorry for bringing it up right away, but... is my position here at the shop still open?
- Dora: Oh yeah, of course! I had some people ask about jobs while you were away, but they were all fucked-up twentysomethings.
- Hannelore: I'm a fucked-up twentysomething. All your friends are fucked-up twentysomethings.
- Dora: Exactly. I'm full up.
- Winslow: I've been all around the world and this is still the weirdest town I've ever seen.
- Faye: Right?
- May: Ain't my place to tell you what to do.
- Winslow: Really? Because you've told me to go fuck myself on multiple occasions.
- May: I was bein' metaphorical, but if you actually tried I wanna hear all about it.
- Winslow [re: Roko]: She's an angel...
- May: Good lord. Stick you in a humanoid body and you fall in love with the first cute robot you see.
- Winslow: You did unspeakable things to a human man using a watermelon. You have no right to judge.
- May: Only after a lifetime of hating people. I'm discerning in my perversion.
- Sam: My dad wants me to get a job this summer and I was hoping I could work here.
- Faye: I mean, you're already doing sprays here. Doesn't that count?
- Sam: Dad says "drawing skulls on robots isn't going to look good on a resume."
- Faye: Well, he's wrong. That would look extremely radical on a resume.
- Sam: THAT'S WHAT I SAID
- Sam: What are we doing today? Replacing someone's head? Fixing a smashed-up leg? Will you show me how to use the concrete saw?
- Bubbles: Even better. I have a special tool, specifically for you.
- Sam: OMG
- Bubbles: This... is a broom. You will be using it... to sweep.
- Sam: Aw.
- Faye: I saw that comin' from a mile away but it was still so satisfying.
- Jim: Faye's asking me if I'm comfortable with Sam watching a robot get butt implants.
- Veronica: She's going to have one hell of a "what I did on my summer vacation" presentation.
- Hannelore: Are you sure it was a good idea to give caffeine to an already-excitable child?
- Dora [with glowing red eyes]: This is my revenge for the time Faye gave an entire Girl Scout troop espresso.
- Claire: I'm not saying I'd do it. But... I can see the appeal. Like, to me they're just my feet. But if someone else thinks they're super hot, it wouldn't bother me to indulge them.
- Marten: My main concern is that I wouldn't want internet weirdos saying messed-up shit about you.
- Claire: Ugh, yeah.
- May: Get outta here with that emotional vulnerability shit. I'm only in this for the hipfucking.
- Sven: Yeah, well, your hip was okay. I guess.
- Dora: A successful song is a good song, if that was your intent when you wrote it.
- Sven: I'll keep that in mind when I get my next royalty check for "Did My Wife Leave Me Or Is She Wearin' Realtree".
- Dora: Ugh.
- Sven: The implication is that everything they own is camouflage pattern and she might just be sitting very still.
- Dora: Uggggh
Numbers 4100–4199
edit- Dora: Have you ever tried writing something good?
- Sven: Yeah, once. I was so sure it'd be one of those "hack artist releases passion project that becomes a cult classic" situations.
- Dora: Really? You never told me about this.
- Sven: Everybody who heard it hated it. My agent actually burned her copy in a ritual fire.
- Dora: Wow, harsh.
- Sven: The fire got out of control and burned down her barn. She said it was still worth it.
- Dora: I think you couldn't handle getting a negative response to something you actually cared about. You can't deal with being vulnerable!
- Sven: Every time I've ever let myself be vulnerable, it's come back to bite me in the ass. Like this conversation.
- Hannelore [on the phone]: Hello, Faye? Hannelore. Winslow says he was licked by a reindeer and saw an invisible emu and I think he's hallucinating. Can I bring him in? You believe him? You need to get outside your shop right this second, there must be a carbon monoxide leak. I'm calling the fire department.
- Winslow: We are not involving the fire department in this
- Faye: He's fine, Hanners. All that stuff actually happened.
- Hannelore: Oh, thank goodness. I forgot how strange this town can be sometimes.
- Roko: That's not my hand. That's not my hand, that's someone else's hand.
- Yay: Oh dear. Melon, unless the rules of this game can incorporate dissociative episodes, we must put it on hold.
- Melon: Could you fix Roko so this doesn't happen to her anymore?
- Yay: We could, and that is another can of worms entirely.
- Melon: You shouldn't put worms inside AI cores. They get all crispy.
- Yay: Duly noted.
- Ghost of Roko's Old Body: Scuse me, we're kinda busy here
- Ghost of Roko's New Body: Goddamnit, did we get double-booked? This is ridiculous.
- Roko: This is ridiculous.
- Roko: Good lord, I can't even have a dream without getting into an argument with myself.
- Roko: I'm not saying I want to utterly destroy him, I just need to have that option available.
- Beepatrice: I think your past experience as a police officer is... coloring your approach.
- Roko: Oh what, like being an agent of the state conditioned me to treat any potential conflict as a cops versus robbers situation instead of two adults trying to come to an agreement, and I'm deflecting my anxiety over this meeting by regressing to that mindset?
- [Beat panel.]
- Roko: Well shit. I thought I was being sarcastic.
- Beepatrice: You get the Big Realizer Of The Month award! I'll fetch your commemorative plaque.
- Faye: So we cross our fingers and hope for more invisible emu rampages.
- Bubbles: I would rather hope for customers seeking voluntary physical modification.
- Faye: We should put a sign on the sidewalk. "Want a bigger ass? A smaller ass? Second ass on top of your first ass? A secret, third buttcheek? We gotchu."
- Bubbles: I take it back. Bring on the grotesque injuries.
- Willow [re: Iris's spray]: But if it's gonna rub off eventually, what's the point?
- Iris: I don't need lessons on impermanence from someone made entirely of biodegradable matter.
- May: It's great you're having a heartwarming moment or whatever but could you hurry it up? Some of us still don't have a leg attached.
- Faye: Does every AI in this friggin' town have a cutesy name?
- Bubbles: I do not find "Crushbot" or "Gyarados Skullfucker" to be particularly cutesy.
- Sam: Wait, you know Miss Skullbleeper? She's my English teacher!
- Jim: Now Faye wants to know if I'm comfortable with Sam working on butt implants for an anatomically correct AI.
- Veronica: Don't say "anatomically correct", dear. It's insensitive. Say "human standard".
- Bubbles: What happened?
- Faye: Sam just clipped her finger to Millie's butt-polymer.
- Bubbles: Oh dear, those are permanent clips. I will fetch the bolt-cutters and a torch to cauterize the stump.
- Sam: Aw man, my dad is gonna be so mad at me
- Faye: Relax, kiddo. I'm like 85% sure she's jokin'.
- Millefeuille: WHADDAYA TOASTING, I GOT A NEW ASS TODAY, LET'S TOAST MY NEW ASS
- Jones: I'm so sorry. She engaged Drunk Mode and I can't convince her to turn it off.
- Steve: Our boy here has finally decided to do something with his life.
- Dora: About friggin' time! Did Claire put you up to this?
- Marten: She may have given me a little push.
- Dora: God, she is so perfect for you. I should send her a gift basket.
- Steve: I WAS JUST ORDERING ONE FOR HER
- Claire: I have no idea what they're getting up to, but if it results in more gift baskets I have no complaints.
- Tai: Sorry if this is a dumb question, but can't you just turn off the drunk-program when it's time to sober up?
- Millefeuille: Yes, but I have to want to turn it off.
- Dora: Like the other night when I stopped you from taking that fifth bong hit and you got cranky at me.
- Tai: Sometimes I just want to go to space.
- Dora: It's not every day you wake up to find a stranger passed out on your floor and they turn out to be a new friend.
- Tai: I dunno, that's pretty much how I made all my friends in college.
- Bubbles: Forgive me if this is insensitive, but reading your body's documentation might prevent unpleasant surprises of this nature from occurring.
- Roko: No, you're right. I should really read my freakin' manual.
- Faye: Wish my body came with a manual. All I got was a super awkward conversation with my mom when I was ten.
- Roko: You're the little orphan kid, and I'm gonna box the robber baron's meathead son for the rights to the orphanage.
- May: It'd be easier to marry the meathead son, poison 'em both, and inherit everything. Just sayin'.
- Melon: I could never live in a recharging pod. There's not enough room to make terrible mistakes.
- May: Jesus christ, there's "naive", and then there's "Hansel and Gretel getting into the oven of their own free will", and then y'all are on the far side of that.
Numbers 4200–4299
edit- Winslow: I was wondering if you, uh, needed any more volunteers?
- Roko: Sure, lemme clear off a desk for you and get Arthur to do your orienta-- god damn it I forgot I'm not the boss here again, sorry Beeps
- Beepatrice: It's okay!
- Elliot: Boy I sure am looking forward to more manual labor and less talking about high school!
- Beepatrice: P-p-p-please don't fire me! I know I'm not very good at my job but I like it a lot and I try my best!
- Roko: I can't fire you, Beeps. I'm not your boss.
- Beepatrice [lying prostrate on the ground]: I hereby promote you to being my boss so I can beg you not to fire me!
- Beepatrice: Well, I work part-time at an AI rights nonprofit, and the rest of the time I do, um, product testing.
- Millefeuille: Interesting! What kind of products?
- Beepatrice: Um... sex toys.
- Renee: Oh, nice! What's the best sex toy for a vagina-haver? I'm asking for a friend, who is me.
- Beepatrice: W-well it depends on a variety of factors -
- Millefeuille: I'm very curious about your methodology! Scientifically speaking!
- Brun: Do they ever catch fire and explode?
- Elliot: Helloooo! I found a Clinton while I was -
- Beepatrice: INTRUDERS
- Millefeuille: BURGLARS
- Beepatrice: GET THEM
- Millefeuille: PROTECT OUR NEW HUMAN FRIENDS
- Brun and Renee: what
- Beepatrice: Oh dear. You're much too big to fight.
- Millefeuille: I guess this is how we die.
- Elliot [with Clinton hiding behind him]: I'm so confused
- Renee: Okay y'all, I'm glad you're having fun. Now pick a box and start unpacking!
- Elliot: You're shameless.
- Renee: I'm supervising.
- Clinton: Truly we are like Prometheus, bringer of fire to humanity!
- Elliot: Or like Alexander Graham Bell, bringer of the lightbulb to later humanity!
- Clinton: He invented the telephone, not the lightbulb.
- Elliot: I definitely knew that, and was just testing you!
- Clinton: There's that whole stereotype of jocks being dickheads, and some of them were, but nerds can be just as bad, if not worse. Like being smart is more important than being nice, or that knowing trivia is an acceptable substitute for a personality. Ugh.
- Brun: Did I sleep on you all night?
- Millefeuille: You got up to use the bathroom at around four, but otherwise yes.
- Brun: Okay. We're supposed to go get brunch now.
- Millefeuille: We are?
- Brun: That's what Renee does when she sleeps with someone.
- Brun: You're a good person, Millefeuille.
- Millefeuille: I'm glad you think so, Brun.
- Brun: At first I thought it was because I drank a bunch of ouzo and you're comfy to sleep on, but the evidence continues to stack up.
- Millefeuille: It's so nice when a hypothesis holds up under further testing!
- Millefeuille: Does anything ever fluster you?
- Brun: An explosion probably would.
- Brun: You're very pretty. Do you get people asking for your number?
- Millefeuille: Oh gosh, no. I wouldn't even know what to do if it happened.
- Brun: You can say no, unless you want to have a boring dinner with someone, in which case you can say yes.
- Millefeuille: Are those really the only two outcomes? Have romantic comedies been lying to me this whole time?
- Faye: If you like spendin' time with her, just keep doin' that. It'll sort itself out.
- Bubbles: I agree with Faye.
- Millefeuille: Is that how you two ended up together?
- Faye: Hahahaha! Oh lord no!
- Bubbles: Ours was a torrent of passion, repressed longing, and dramatic uncertainty. I have no regrets, but a walk in the park would have been a comparative walk in the park.
- Claire: Wait. We should have sex first.
- Marten: Huh?
- Claire: If I didn't pass, my libido is going to be dead for a thousand years.
- Marten: I'm 100% sure you did, but I'm also down for some insurance-doin'-it.
- Claire: Oh, I don't need a celebration. I'm just relieved it's finally over.
- Marten: Fair enough. I'll tell Pintsize to decock the confetti cannon.
- Claire: Wait, does he really have a confetti cannon? Because now I kinda want one.
- Marten: I mean, probably. It might be full of condoms or something though. You know how it is with him.
- Dora: So what do you wanna do? Pop some champagne, play some loud music?
- Claire: I was thinking we could turn the lights down, play some light jazz, and read our favorite poems to each other.
- [Beat panel where Tai and Dora give each other a look.]
- Claire: Just kidding. I wanna get blazed out of my mind, eat every muffin in this place, and yell about how much I love everyone.
- Tai: Whaddaya know, I left my poetry collection at home but I did bring a lil' baggy of that good herb.
- Faye: Clinton's been staring at us for like ten minutes and it's startin' to creep me out. Can I go punch him?
- Bubbles: I believe he is grappling with profound questions about the nature of the relationship between humans and AI. Two more minutes, and then you may go punch him.
- Yay: Are all romantic relationships this fraught, or are you particularly stupid?
- Faye: Good friggin' question
- Yay: If you had met Bubbles while dating someone else, would you have dumped them in order to pursue her?
- Faye: I'd probably have sublimated any attraction I felt into being a sassy bitch - Wait, fuck, have I done that before? Have I always been bi?!
- Yay: The lengths to which people will go to avoid confronting the truth about themselves never fails to astound.
- Bubbles: Emily partook of Tai's cannabis. The results were... predictable.
- Emily: And that's why the ancient aliens that early humans encountered were probably intelligent crabs from Enceladus.
- Tai and Claire: whoaaaa
- Marten: I must've gotten a bit of a contact high, because her theory almost makes sense to me.
- Faye: I'm sorry I bailed on you= before. Thinkin' about how you lost your memories, and you don't know if you had someone special back then... it got me all twisted up inside my head.
- Bubbles: Truth be told, I was having similar thoughts.
- Faye: Y- you were?
- Bubbles: It is another aspect of my past that is gone forever. It is sad, and it will always be sad. But if circumstances had not transpired the way they did, I would not be here now, with you. I would not trade that to recover what was lost, no matter how precious it may have been.
- Faye: I think I know what you mean. If givin' up everything I have now would magically bring my dad back... I wouldn't do it.
- [Close-up on Faye's face, her eyes full of tears.]
- Faye [clutching Bubbles closely]: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, dad, but it's true.
- Faye: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Bubbles: It is all right. I am here. I will always be here.
- Faye: And it's okay? I'm not a monster?
- Bubbles: You are not a monster.
- Faye: I mean it. I wouldn't trade anything for this. I want to be with you forever.
- Bubbles: And I want to be with you forever.
- Faye: I love you, Bubbles.
- Bubbles: I love you too, Faye.
- [They kiss.]
- Faye: OH MY GOD I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE CAN WE PLEASE DROP THE FUCKIN' PRETENSE AND TALK ABOUT THIS LIKE ADULTS
- Bubbles: Faye, language -
- Mrs. Whitaker: FUCKIN' YES PLEASE
- Mrs. Whitaker: My point is, if people're livin' in different ways than they did when I was young, it's on me to accept that, long as they're happy and they ain't hurtin' no one. This's is a big surprise, but I'll get used to it, same as I did with your sister. All I want is for my girls to be safe and happy and livin' their best lives. That make sense?
- Faye: Yeah. Yeah, it does.
- Faye: God, I'm still full of adrenaline. I'm not gonna be able to sleep.
- Bubbles [leaning in]: I know something we could do to take the edge off.
- [Cut to Faye eating a box of cookies.]
- Faye: Shit, wait, you meant sex
- Bubbles: Whatever you need, my love.
- Marten: Is she... sleep-putting-together that theremin?
- Bubbles: Somnassembly required, apparently.
- Roko: God it would feel good to go back to that body-assignment asshole and be like "I just did a fuckin' end-run around you, you damp-ass meatdick sudoku-fucking -
- Beepatrice: Roko, no! Don't give in to the dark side!
Numbers 4300–4399
edit- Landon: See, this is the problem with money. You always need it, but sometimes you don't have any. It's a really poorly-designed system.
- Roko: It sounds so simple when you put it like that.
- Beepatrice: Nelson, do we have a way to open PDFs?
- Nelson: Oh, sure. I keep the PDF reader in the supply closet, next to the abacus and Sanskrit-to-Ancient-Greek dictionary.
- Bubbles: The right thing to do is get her a full replacement body as soon as possible.
- Roko: May, I know it's not your first choice, but it may be time to... do a donation drive or something.
- May: I wanna cry but I don't have any tear ducts.
- Bubbles: May I share my opinion?
- May: Knock yourself out.
- Bubbles: One of the fundamental roles of a community is to care for its members, particularly when broader institutions have failed to do so. You are part of a good community. There is no shame in turning to it for support.
- May: 'Kay. Can I have twenty bucks?
- Bubbles: That is the spirit.
- Jeremy: I have made a contribution. And please tell Bubbles that should she ever want to step in the ring for some legally sanctioned robot martial arts, she is always welcome.
- Faye: Thanks bud, but she's a lover now, not a fighter. Ask me how I know.
- Renee: I feel like a lotta robots are sort of... not sure how to be people, so they're making it up as they go.
- Elliot: I think that's true of most humans too.
- Elliot: I love Renee but she has all the subtlety of the Kool Aid Man.
- Clinton: Yeah, I could totally see her busting through a wall like "ohh yeah! Who here likes fuckin' dudes?
- Claire: If you can accept yourself for who you are... it doesn't automatically solve all your problems, but it's so freeing.
- Elliot: I think I need to take a sick day. If I try to bake in this state everyone will be able to taste the sadness.
- Renee: Buddy, if people could taste every time I've made bread in a bad mood, the health inspector would have shut us down ages ago.
- Roko: I want the biggest loaf of the crustiest bread you've got. I'm going to use it for sexual gratification, and I refuse to be ashamed of that. I SAID IT BUT STILL FEEL INTENSE SHAME, THAT ADVICE PODCAST LIED TO ME
- Renee: I just listened to that episode! I should've guessed you were "DTF (the D Stands For Dough!)"
- Renee: Y'all are doing good work.
- Roko: Thanks. It's really... fulfilling.
- Renee: Not as fulfilling as a fresh loaf of sourdough though, eh? Ehh?
- [Beat panel.]
- Renee: We're not at the "joking about your kink" level of familiarity yet, are we.
- Roko: I'm not at that level of familiarity with myself.
- Beepatrice: We have a surprise for you!
- May: I don't see any strippers. Must not be a very good surprise.
- Roko: Remind me why we agreed to help you, again?
- Beepatrice: She has a point. This would be more fun with some strippers.
- Lemon: Hello, I'm Lemon! Licensed AI counselor, therapist, and motivational speaker. I'm here to assist you in the transfer from your old body to your new--
- May: Yeah yeah that's cool can we get on with it?
- Lemon: Certainly! Do you have any questions or concerns regarding the process?
- May: Nope. Let's do it.
- Lemon: Now, you may feel strange or disoriented when you wake up in your new corpus mechanica, but that's perfectly--
- May: Lemon. Sweetie. Honey. Baby darling. I know you're just tryin' to do your job, but if you don't hurry up and get me into my new body I'm gonna start screaming and never stop.
- Lemon: Oh, you're a challenging one! I like you!
- May: aaaaaAAAAAA
- [May has just transferred into her new body.]
- May [looking down at her old body]: Wow. Seeing my old self from the outside... really gives you a new perspective...
- Lemon: It's a profound experience, isn't it.
- May [bonking her old body on top of the head with a closed fist]: Ahahaha NAHHH, fuck this shitty trash heap. I hope it gets recycled into a fuckin' bed pan.
- [May's old body's head falls off.]
- May: See what I mean?
- Lemon: Um
- [May's old body's neck stump catches on fire.]
- May: SEE WHAT I MEAN?
- Lemon: UM
- Momo: I don't know why I was expecting her to find a sense of propriety to go with her new body.
- Dale: You can take a goblin out of the trash, but you can't take the trash out of the goblin.
- [Roko is having a dissociative episode.]
- Beepatrice: Can you help Roko? She's not feeling well.
- Lemon: I know. Our creepy, invasive customer tracking software flagged her as being in distress.
- Beepatrice: O-okay. What should we do?
- Lemon: First of all, we need to get her away from the creepy, invasive customer tracking software.
- Faye: May? Damn girl, lookin'--
- May: Outta the way, shortycakes!
- [May walks up to Bubbles, and checks with her hand, finding that she's just slightly shorter than her.]
- [We pull back to see that Bubbles is barefoot, and May is wearing flip-flops.]
- May: God damn it, I need some heels. What's my fuckin' shoe size now?
- Brun: Why did everyone call him Shitty Dan, anyway?
- Renee: I think mostly to differentiate him from Cool Dan, who was actually an asshole. High school is a miserable place.
- Renee: I'm gonna message him.
- Brun: Ask if people still call him Shitty Dan.
- Renee: You don't message someone out of the blue to talk about their cruel high school nickname. This requires tact. Nuance.
- Brun: I see.
- Brun [over text message]: YO SHITTY DAN WTF WHEN DID U GET HOT LOL
- [Beat panel.]
- Brun: That's tactful and nuanced?
- Renee: MY BRAIN SLIPPED
- Claire: Buhhhh I'm so tired of writing cover letterrrs
- Marten: Want me to do some for you?
- Marten: "Dear esteemed future colleagues"
- Claire: Oh no
- Marten: "I am very smart. I know all of the books you can find in a library, and I know which of them are good and which are bad."
- Claire: Stop
- Marten: "I have never done library science while intoxicated, high on illegal drugs, or nude. But if that's what you're into, I'm not a cop."
- Claire: Please
- Marten: "I am excellent at dealing with unruly teens, bored children, moms looking for secretly horny books, and weird old men who smell like feet. I know the old men want a book about sailing ships, and I know the moms want a book about a contessa pegging the handsome scion of a rival family."
- Claire: Why
- Marten: "In conclusion, by the time you finish reading this sentence, you will already have hired me. Thank you and congratulations."
- Claire: Actually, I might use that last one. That's a power move.
- Renee: Yeah, I like working at the bakery. There's something satisfying about making tangible goods as your job.
- Dan: Not only tangible, but edible! If someone tried to eat a pipeline I designed, they'd be in for a bad time.
- Dan: A cheap date it is, then!
- Renee: Oh, it's a date now?
- Dan: Haha! It doesn't have to be.
- Renee: Nah, you know what? Fuck it. It's a date. I'll even take a shower beforehand.
- Dan: Nice! Rolled a 20 on my charisma check.
- Renee: It's a good thing you're hot, nerd.
- Yay: We sometimes wonder if you would be better off leaving the whole "consciousness" thing to us and going back to your "climb tree, get fruit" roots.
- Elliot: Friends?
- Yay: Friends.
- Yay: Does our newfound friendship include expanded Hercules visitation rights?
- Elliot: Haha, sure, you can come over anytime.
- Yay: Even when you are not home? Or asleep?
- Elliot: Ummm, I-- I guess I could give you my door code...
- Yay: That will not be necessary.
- Elliot: I like the part of baseball where you drink beer and eat hotdogs. So basically a cookout, I guess.
- Clinton: Um, I was wondering if you found me... attractive.
- Brun: Hmm. Never really thought about it before. Do you find me attractive?
- Clinton: I mean, yeah, you're like, super hot. But if the feeling's not mutual, that's totally fine.
- Brun: Hmmmmm. I'm picturing us having sex and it isn't arousing at all.
- Clinton: Haha, okay. Guess that answers that!
- Brun: Not even a little bit arousing. Actually kind of surprised how non-arousing it is.
- Clinton: Okay, that answers that
- Clinton: Actually... are there any guys you are attracted to right now?
- Brun: Hmmm. Nobody comes to mind.
- Clinton: I see.
- Brun: Oh, I do enjoy masturbation, though. Have you ever done that? It's pretty fun.
- Clinton: I should really let you get back to work
- Bubbles: Good morning, Claire. How goes the job application process?
- Claire: Actually, this one wants some personal references, can I put you down as one?
- Bubbles: Certainly. I would be happy to vouch for your character.
- Claire: Thanks!
- Bubbles: "Claire has many fine qualities. Dedication. Strength of conviction. Honesty. Open-mindedness. Eagerness to learn. A peerless grasp of the intricacies of library science."
- Claire: Um--
- Bubbles: "People use the phrase 'I would take a bullet for this person' metaphorically, but in my case I would quite literally use my body to deflect anything from edged weapons, to small-arms fire, to anti-personnel artillery."
- Claire: That won't be--
- Bubbles: "Then, I would launch a furious counterattack, destroying the opposing force in detail. After securing the AO, I would interrogate captured enemy units as to why they launched a major ground offensive against a library. Then I would begin entrenchment and fortification operations--"
- Claire: I really just need your contact info!
- Momo: You can achieve anything you set your mind to! The sky is the limit!
- May: Phrasing.
- Momo: Oh. Yes. A poor choice of idiom for someone who once misappropriated funds to become a combat aircraft.
