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Queer Eye

2003 American reality television series

Queer Eye was a reality show, airing on Bravo, about a team of five gay men known collectively as the "Fab Five" who perform a makeover (in the parlance of the show, a "make-better") on a person, usually a straight man, revamping his wardrobe, redecorating his home, and offering advice on grooming, lifestyle, and food. The program's name was changed from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy after the third season to broaden the scope of its content.

Season 1

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Hair Today, Art Tomorrow: Brian S [1.01]

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Friend: God forbid you drink something at Butch's place.
Carson: Come on boys, let's motor!
Ted: Cheers queers.
Carson: You put a living room where the crack den used to be!

A Great Mess in Great Neck: Adam Z [1.02]

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Carson: [whispering] I see straight people!
Adam: [after getting something waxed] OW!
Kyan: That was just your ear.
Thom: [using a child's telephone] It's 1984. They want their decorations back.
Thom: My God, it's like a Toys-R-Us crack den.
Karen Zalta: Aww, pearl earrings to go with my pearl necklace!
Carson: [sips cocktail] Everybody loves a pearl necklace.

Make Room for Lisa: Tom K [1.03]

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Carson: I need a ritalin smoothie to remember all this.
Carson: Okay Tom, Thom, the thong and I are going to leave.
Lisa: I thought they would have made you into some corporate yuppie type.
Carson: Who are we? The five fags from IBM?

He's a Little Bit Country: John B. [1.04]

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Carson: See? Everything is better in cashmere.
Carson: [looks at Kyan in a hat] You're like George. Not George straight, but like George gay.
Carson: Where'd you get this shirt?
John: Uh... K-Mart.
Carson: [gasps] Don't use that kind of language around me.
Carson: If she says no, you get to marry one of us. So it's a win-win situation.
Ted: [looking at glass stained window] Lord please make this window go away.

For Better and Verse: Vincent T. [1.05]

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Carson: Can I call you Vinny?
Vincent: Yeah.
Carson: Can I call you my bitch?
Vincent: Can I put my clothes back on?
Kyan: Ye— second thought, Mmm.
Vincent: I was just thinking about something. What are the other three guys doing back at my house?
Ted: Back at your house they've probably loaded up the spraying painter and are painting your house pink.
Thom: Are you guys going to be offended if you come back and it's like...
Vincent: Organized?
Thom: Or gone?
[Vinny starts singing]
Carson: Wow, maybe back up singing isn't such a bad gig after all.
Thom: Hey, it's getting better!
Carson: No, we're getting drunker!

Queer Eye for Our Production Guy: Andrew L [1.06]

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Carson: ANDREW! You only have two pairs of pants!
Andrew: There might be some....
Carson: There might be some? You don't have a complete inventory of all your couture?
Carson: [On his first impressions of Andrew] I was like, "Who's the homeless guy stealing the camera?"
Carson: We can rebuild you.
Ted: Make you better then you were.
Carson: [about a crusty towel he found in Andrew's bathroom] What's this, your dreamcatcher?
Andrew: Do I look like Ben Affleck?
Carson: You look like Ben and Jerry Affleck.

Law & Disorder: John V [1.07]

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Carson: [sees Ayanna] Oh hi Peanut. Your boyfriend is working on my last gay nerve.
Carson: I could get any gay man to cuff me any day of the week, but no, let the real cop do it. [John still can't cuff Carson] I could've fled the scene in like so many ways by now.
Carson: Guns don't kill people! Bad fashion does!
Ted: Now turn, turn, turn to the camera. What were you doing?
Jai: Eating.
Ted: What were you eating?
Jai: Cake.
Ted: And who does that cake belong to?
Jai: John and Ayanna.
Ted: That's right, and they are...
Jai: Straight people.
Ayanna: The vagina is leaving the building.
Thom: No, no, we've still got Jai. He has to stay.

My Big Fat Greek Haircut: George K. [1.08]

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Carson: The clothes tell a story. Yours is the story of a deranged kick-boxer who still lives with his mother in Queens.
George: I love mirrors.
Thom: We can see that.

Talk, Dark, & Dancin': Josh D [1.09]

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Carson: Do you know what the magic word is?
Josh: Please?
Carson: No sweetie... NOW!
Thom: You know what, we're laying in a random guy's bed.
Carson: I know. Feels like old times.
Carson: This is like a bad episode of Soul Train with really bad dancing white people.
Thom: I can't believe I'm going to say this, because it's not something I say often in my line of work, but my favorite thing in your living room is your fire hydrant.
Ted: I hope he doesn't rush too much shucking the oysters or he might shuck his hand off. That would be a shucking tragedy.

Make Over for Daddy: Tom M [1.10]

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Tom: Let me tell you I'm going to have a sushi buffet. That's the theme.
Carson: Sushi Buffet. That sounds like a drag queen.
Carson: What is that? Wasabi paste?
Ted: That's a lot of wasabi.
Thom: The kids are going to love that.
Carson: That's gonna shut the party down like a bad ferris wheel.
Carson: We sold your children to pay for the furniture. I think you'll find it's a better investment in the long run.
Kyan: [examining Tom's blow-dryer] I know all about good blow jobs, and this isn't it.
Ted: The theme in the kitchen appears to be: A bomb went off.

Meet the Folks: Alan C [1.11]

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Kyan: Bro, this place is a shithole, basically.
Alan: After you guys tore it up, yes.
Kyan: No, it was a shithole before we got here.
Alan: It was a hole maybe before.
Kyan: No, it was a shithole. Can you say that? Shithole?
Alan: My hole is a shithole. [Kyan smiles] Now. [Kyan stops smiling]
Jai: [holding up book] The Idiot's Guide to Beer? Who's that much of an idiot that they need a whole guide to beer?
Ted: Life is to short to drink cheap booze.
Thom: It just looks like you blindfolded yourself, walked around the neighborhood on, like, trash night, and dragged this stuff back in your house.
[Jai, Kyan and Ted are playing the guitar and singing]
Jai: Five gay men cleaning one house. One straight man, that's all it takes, just one dirty straight man.
Jai and Ted: And five gay men.

Neither Rain nor Sleet nor Length of Hair: Jeff T [1.12]

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Carson: Let's go to the mall to pick up boys!
Kyan: (wearing feathers in his hair): I'm feeling my inner Pochantas.
[Ted & Thom are playing with a fishing rod. Thom gets the hook caught in his mouth]
Ted: Look! I caught a fag! I caught a homosexual!
Carson: Gay, good. Gray, bad.
Corrine: Are we in the right house?

Mr. Clean Comes Clean: Richard M [1.13]

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Carson: Let's torch the place!
[Ted an Laura are using an alphabet puzzle]
Ted: Laura, what does this spell?
Laura: Tragic.
Ted: And who's tragic?
Laura: My dad.
Carson: [about Richard's suits] Single, double, single, single, ugly...
Thom: [pushes Carson in the closet] Look! I got the gay guy in the closet!
Carson: It's dark in here.
Thom: He's neurotic and needy. God he's like everyone I date!

Helping the Hard-Rocking Host: Steven S. [1.14]

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Thom: [enters the shop before Steven] Sorry, ladies before gentlemen.
Kyan: [looks in the shower] You could put a harness in here. Good times.
Thom: Let me get this straight - your friend, is a straight hairstylist, with wicker furniture. I think he's got something he's not telling you.
Kyan: This is a nose hair trimmer. [uses it on Steven]
Steven: Ouch! You shit ass rat!
[Carson walks in]
Steven: I'm crying
Steven: These shoes won't make me gay?
Carson: [bending over Steven to put on a shoe] No, but this will.

Create an Officer and a Gentleman: Ross M. [1.15]

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Thom: Remember when you told me you'd make out with me if I got you a flat screen TV? Well pucker up, baby!
Carson: Who says there are no gays in the military? Someone designed the outfit.
Ted: I can't believe I asked an ex marine to make a chocolate souffle.
Jai: He called you pretty boy. Are you going to take that?
Kyan: Yes...[smiling] Thanks.
[The Fab Five are watching as Ross goes to take a shower]
Thom: I put in a clear shower curtain.
[the door shuts on the camera]
Fab Five: Awww!
Thom: For the love of God!

A Very Queer Eye Holiday [1.16]

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Thom: Run like a woman Ted!
Carson: Repeat after me - I am worthy of highlights.
Carson: Quickly - like bunnies!
Kyan: Finding the porn is always a heart-felt moment.
Kyan: [sees Butch's products] I've died and gone to gay-men's heaven.

Radio Ralph: Ralph S. [1.17]

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Ralph: [correcting Ted on hand signs] That means I love you in sign language. This means rock and roll.
Kyan: [giving Ralph the finger] You know what this means? Clean your toilet!
Carson: [making masturbation gesture with his hand] This means I wanna give you a handjob.
Thom: Ew, I can't believe I just wiped my hands on something in this apartment.
Thom: This apartment is scary, AAAHHHH!
Jai: It's time to get rid of the wee one.
Carson: Lions and tigers and bad taste, oh my!
Carson: [referring to a tight pair of jeans] They're a little bit like a cheap hotel ... no ballroom.
Carson: [with his head covered] Crouching Tiger, Hidden Drag Queen.

Stand Up and Deliver: Kevin D [1.18]

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Thom: You live in a dump like a crazy person. This is freaking me out.
Carson: [on seeing a photo of Kevin's glamorous model girlfriend] I like long walks on the beach, leopard-print bikinis, and squalor.
Kyan: [about Kevin's hair] His inspiration was Johnny Depp. [to Kevin] Were you high?
Carson: [testing out her new married name] Matilda Downey. Jr.
Thom: Sounds like a drag queen with a drug problem.
Kyan: [holding a book entitled "Please Kill Me"] I think he wrote this book. He wrote this book after living here for a year.

Compose Yourself: Warren L. [1.19]

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Carson: Tucking is so last week.
Warren: Mother tuckers!
Thom: It's like taking a wire hanger from the cleaners and faux-painting it wood.
Jai: [talking to a small model owl] Oh Mr Owl, I'm sorry you're stuck here with these smelly straight folk [kisses the owl].
Carson: No more musical theater until this room is clean!
Ted: When you look at this color, what feeling does it evoke?
Thom: Must die now.

Queer Guy for the Skate Guy: John Z. [1.20]

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Carson: They should just stay home and make sweet, sweet love.
Kyan: You know, they really should.
Thom: These are horrible!
John: Sylvia and I made them.
Thom: These are delightful!
Carson: Here's a tip for you: when buying a velour tracksuit, stop.
Jai: John, this is the most boring porn I've ever seen. Ever.
Ted: And he's already pounding the liquor. An athlete after my own heart.

Meeting Mildred: Rob M. [1.21]

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Jai: [about Rob, who is a phone engineer] Now does he climb the poles and stuff?
Thom: [holds up an ugly sweater] Now how come he wears this and has a girlfriend, yet I wear these fabulous clothes and I'm single?
Kyan: Your safety word is 'zucchini.'
[Rob goes into the dressing room.]
Carson: Now I'm gonna try something on. [Carson goes into the dressing room with him]
Rob: ZUCCHINI! ZUCCHINI!
[while Rob models an outfit]
Carson: All right, you look dressed up yet casual. Now let's go try something new. Let's make out! [slips his hand in Rob's pocket and leads him off]
Rob: Zucchini!
Kyan: Don't worry man, I got your back.
[Ted drops a glass object on the floor]
Ted: Okay then.
Jai: Did you break something?
Ted: I wouldn't say I broke it. I prefer to say IT broke.

Training Day: James M. [1.22]

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Carson: If I didn't know you, I'd try to lure you to a wayside rest area.
Carson: We're stressy, we're edgy. Like us running off to Belize together.
[Ted and Carson move a couch toward the balcony]
Carson: Are we really throwing it over?
Ted: Yeah.
Carson: Okay. Don't throw like a girl.
Jai: We're stressing out the straight guy! Wooo!
Carson: [ (climbing into a clear cabinet] Look, I'm a collectable!

Do You Know the Mullet Man? Mark Fa. [1.23]

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Carson: [about the sheets] It's a full queen. Just like you, Thom!
Ted: [about Costco] They've got trampolines. They've got plastic TVs. They have tube socks. They have the best tube socks. Ever.
Thom: You guys, look. This is my pile of stuff I don't like. Is it getting too big?
Carson: Your clothes are in the basement?
Mark: Yeah.
Carson: That's so Silence of the Lambs.
Carson: You know, if you don't have a male role model in your life, bad things can happen.
Thom: For example?
Carson: [pointing to himself] Poster child!

You Never Forget Your First Straight Guy: Lawson C. [1.24]

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Lawson: Are you checking out my ass?
Gable: No.
Lawson: Why aren't you?
Carson: Everyone needs to know that we made the pilot in 1979. That's why we look so young.
ted: Thirty's an important time in your life. I'm looking forward to it.
Carson: Yeah me too.
Carson: Let's not worry about labels. I won't call you a pervert if you won't call me a big homo.
Carson: Just because you get your hair frosted doesn't mean you're gay. But if you frost someone else's hair, that's another story.

Romancing the Coach: Mark Fi [1.25]

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Thom: Wouldn't it be embarrassing if you're a coach and you got your ass kicked by a gay decorator?
Carson: There's no "I" in team.
Mark: No.
Carson: There is an "M" and an "E" though.
Carson: Look at all this wood. It's definitely getting me in the mood.
Carson: Those rascally gay guys moved our dining room!

Cast

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