Police Squad!

Police Squad! (1982) was a comedy series that ran for only 6 episodes in 1982. Created by the team of Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker it later went on to form the basis of their "Naked Gun" series of feature films. The basic premise was a spoof of Quinn Martin police dramas.

Season 1

A Substantial Gift [1.01]

[Frank is driving around the city at night with a laundry basket in the seat next to him]

Frank: My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad. There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion models found naked and unconscious in laundromats on the West Side. Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate holdups of neighborhood credit unions. I was across town doing my laundry when I got the call on the double killing. It took me twenty minutes to get there. My boss was already on the scene.

[Frank and Ed are interviewing a witness to a shooting]

Sally: Well, I first heard the shot, and as I turned, Jim fell.

Frank: Jim Fell's the teller?

Sally: No, Jim Johnson.

Frank: Who's Jim Fell?

Ed: He's the auditor, Frank.

Sally: He had the flu, so Jim... filled in.

Frank: Phil who?

Ed: Phil Din. He's the night watchman.

Sally: Oh, if only Phil had been here...

Frank: We're sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.

[In the police crime lab, Olsen is showing Drebin a ballistics penetration test by shooting a a row of VHS tapes in boxes on a shelf]

Ted Olson: If the holdup man had been where Sally Decker said, the bullet should have penetrated deeper. Let me show you what we did. These guns are identical to the one that killed Jim Johnson. Watch carefully as I test-fire this gun into these videotapes of Barbara Walters' interviews. As you can see, it completely destroys the Burt Reynolds interview, and everything from Bo Derek to Paul Newman. But only up to the point where Barbara asks "Is it difficult to love?" Now, let me show you what happens when the gun is fired from 3', which is the distance Sally claims the shots were fired from. Notice? Complete destruction, right up to the point where she asks Katherine Hepburn what kind of tree she'd like to be.

Ring of Fear [1.02]

[Acting as a coach to a boxer, Frank takes a saxophone away from Buddy]

Frank: Sorry, Buddy. No sax before a fight.

[Frank tries to find whether boxer Buddy Briggs can beat The Champ]

Frank Drebin: Now do you think you can beat The Champ?

Buddy: I can take him blindfolded.

Frank Drebin: What if he's not blindfolded?

Buddy: I can still beat him.

[Referee tries to find out if The Champ is okay after Buddy knocks him to the mat]

Ref: How many fingers do you see?

Champ: ...Thursday?

Rendezvous at Big Gulch [1.03]

Frank: Coffee?

Jill: No, thank you.

Frank: Tea?

Jill: No.

Frank: [as a dessert cart is wheeled over] Éclair? Rum ball? Torte?

Jill: No, really, thank you.

Frank: Now, we can't let these vermin infest our city. We'll have a rotten, scum-sucking cesspool.

Officer: [Gagging] Frank please, I'm trying to eat this tuna fish sandwich.

Frank: A rat-infested, worm-ridden festering boil.

Ed: Frank, cut it out would ya, I'm talking to my mother.

Ed: I tell ya Frank, without a witness, we're dead.

Frank: Well, maybe we're just gonna have to get our own evidence first-hand.

Ed: I don't understand Frank.

Frank: Well, let's say a new merchant moves into the neighborhood, opens up a shop.

Ed: All right.

BOTH: A new merchant moves into the neighborhood and opens up a shop.

Frank: Now let's say: that merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

Ed: All right.

BOTH: That merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

Ed: That's a good plan, Frank.

Frank: What happened to your face?

Al: I ran into a fire sprinkler?

Frank : [about a rock] Where did it come from?

Ted Olsen: That's very interesting, I have a theory about that. As you know Frank, billions of years ago, our Earth was a molten mass. But for some reason, not understood by scientists, the earth cooled, forming a crust, a hard igneous shell. That's what we scientists call "Rock".

Leo: We heard you had a bad accident. It's too bad you weren't protected.

Frank: The way I look at it, you owe me a hundred dollars for that window.

Rocky: Us? I don't know what you're talking about.

Frank: [shows the rock] So how do you explain this?

Leo: Well, billions of years ago, the Earth was a molten mass...

Frank: It took me two weeks to find Stella's apartment...she had neglected to give me her address.

Dutch Gunderson: [on phone with Stella] Schnooky lumps. You never called me that before. What happened last night to bring this on?

Frank: [instructing Stella what to say] When you held me in your manly armes and crushed me to your lips, I discovered what it meant to be a real woman. When I think of your handsome face, your cruel lips, your strong chin, the way you touch, the way you smother me with kisses...

Gunderson: Honey, I gotta go.

[After walking in unannounced to Dutch's office]

Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Frank: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

Revenge and Remorse [1.04]

Lana Casales: He hangs out there with some chorus girl, a floozy named Mimi Du Jour.

Ed: Du Jour? Is she French?

Lana Casales: That's just her stage name, her real name is Mimi Coffee.

Ed: Coffee?

Lana Casales: No, thank you.

[After breaking into Mimi's dressing room]

Mimi Du Jour: Is this some kind of bust?

Frank: Yes, ma'am, it's very impressive, but we need to ask you a few questions.

Mimi Du Jour: We went to the movies.

Frank: Oh, yeah?

Mimi Du Jour: Yeah, On the Waterfront.

Ed: Come on, there are no movie theaters on the waterfront.

[At the scene of an exploded car and a dead man]

Norberg: I can't believe anybody could do something so cruel.

Frank: Senseless brutality, senseless waste.

Ed: Cut down in the prime of life.

Norberg: That car was a classic, a '68. Do you suppose the widow would take $1,500 for it?

Frank: All right Eddie, let's go over it one more time. Where were you last night?

Eddie Casales: I told you a dozen times, I was at the movies.

Norberg: [after coming in] I got the sandwiches here.

Ed: All right Eddie, you went to the movies. Now what did you see?

Edddie Casales: I told you, I don't remember.

Norberg: Who had the egg salad?

Ed: [mocking Eddie] I don't remember.

Norberg: Somebody ordered it.

Frank: You don't expect us to buy that.

Norberg: But I already paid for it.

Eddie Casales: Why don't you give a guy a break?

Norberg: Thanks a lot.

Eddie Casales : What's the charge?

Norberg: $4.58.

Ed: What are you trying to do, insult us?

Norberg: Okay, $3.50. Coffee's on me.

Eddie Casales: I told you, I went to the movies, I fell asleep, I don't remember.

Frank: You don't expect us to swallow that.

Norberg: All right, I'll eat it! But I don't think it's fair that I should have to pay for it. [walks away]

Ed: All right Eddie, let's say you did go to the movies.

Eddie Casales: Okay.

ALL: You did go to the movies.

Frank: Now let's say you were nowhere near the Club Flamingo.

Eddie Casales: All right.

ALL: You were nowhere near the Club Flamingo.

Frank: Then, explain this to me. [shows him the matchbox]

Eddie Casales: Well, you take this little cardboard stick out with sulfur on the end, and you rub it on the edges, and it makes fire.

Frank: [narrating] When I got home I received a call from Mimi Du Jour, she wanted me to come to the club right away. Since I had no idea where the Club Rightaway was, I suggested to go to the Club Flamingo. She agreed.

The Butler Did It [1.05]

Frank: [narrating] Ed and I drove around for hours for no particular reason. We came up empty.

Frank: Mr. Burton, we have men combing the entire lakefront area. If your daughter is close, we'll find her.

Warner: The lakefront? My God, do you know how big that area is? My daughter's a needle in a haystack!

Frank: That's not true. I've seen a picture of her, she's very attractive.

[after his daughter is kidnapped]

Warner: What do I do?!?

Frank: I believe you are in the textile industry.

Frank: Is there a ransom note?

Ed: Yes, the butler found it; it was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab; they're demanding one million dollars.

Frank: Why would the lab demand a million dollars?

Ed: The Kidnappers made the demand, Frank.

Frank: Oh.