Parks and Recreation
Parks and Recreation (2009–2015) is an American comedy television series. It was co-created by Greg Daniels and Michael Schur, part of the creative team on The Office. Despite initial speculation it would be a spin-off of The Office, the two programs are not related beyond the fact that both shows share a similar mockumentary style. The series follows Leslie Knope, the deputy head of the Parks and Recreation department in the town of Pawnee, Indiana. Knope takes on a project with a nurse named Ann Perkins to turn a construction pit into a park, while trying to mentor a bored college-aged intern named April Ludgate, while also working under her libertarian boss, Ron Swanson.
- Leslie: What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.
- Ron: I've been quite open about this around the office: I don't want this parks department to build any parks because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.
- Man: Park, huh? Sounds like a really good idea.
- Mark: Great. Would you be willing to come to a town meeting and show your support?
- Man: Absolutely. Now is this park gonna have a playground or maybe a pool for the kids?
- Mark: Oh, how old are your kids?
- Man: No kids.
- Tom: Uh-oh.
- April: I'm gonna put him down as a "yes."
- Mark: Don't do that.
- Man: Also, is the park gonna be at least a thousand feet from my house? Because, y'know, I really can't move again.
- Mark: April, please stand behind me.
- Lawrence: Hey park lady! You suck.
- Leslie: Hear that? He called me park lady.
- Leslie: The Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project was a great idea that just ran out of steam. We had removed five cartoon penises - not even 10% - when we were shut down due to lack of funding. To this day, I am haunted by those remaining penises. One penis in particular...
- Ron: Tommy boy. Lemme tell you something, Tom: you suck at Scrabble.
- Tom: I know. You're destroying me.
- Ron: You're worse than my ex-wife and she's terrible at Scrabble. [looks at camera] And she's a bitch.
- Tom: Look out, man, I'm gonna get you one of these days. I'm practicing.
- Ron: Yeah, I doubt that. [looks at camera] Her name is Tammy Swanson and she's a serious bitch.
Boys' Club [1.4]Edit
- Tom: When you're in government, there's a million ways to exploit your power. Have I ever given into that temptation? No. Never. I'm not that kind of politician.
- [cut to Tom cutting in front of the line at a hot dog cart]
- Tom: Official Parks and Rec business. Just need to grab a quick hot dog. [turns to girl behind him] Sorry about that, little girl. You can get the next one.
- Ron: My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe...when he desires them.
The Banquet [1.5]Edit
- Leslie: In a town as old as Pawnee, there's a lot of history in every acre. This wooded area is the site of, um, the murder, actually, of Nathaniel Bixby Mark. He was a pioneer who was killed by a tribe of Wamapoke Indians after he traded them a baby for what is now Indianapolis. They cut his face off...and they made it into a dreamcatcher. And they made his legs into rainsticks. And that's the great thing about indians back then - they used every part of the pioneer.
- Ann: Am I the only [beep]ing person here who doesn't know Jeanine Restrepo?
- Andy: The band has had a few different names over the years. When we started, we were Teddy Bear Suicide, but then we changed it to Mouse Rat. Then we were God Hates Figs, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Flames for Flames, Muscle Confusion, Nothing Rhymes With Orange, then Everything Rhymes With Orange, Punch Face Champions, Rad Wagon, Puppy Pendulum, Possum Pendulum, Penis Pendulum, Handrail Suicide, Angel Snack, Just the Tip, Threeskin... [long pause] Oh, Jet Black Pope. We went back to Mouse Rat, and now we are Scarecrow Boat. God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow Boat out loud I kinda hate it...
- [Mark goes up to Ron]
- Mark: Hey Parks Department.
- Ron: Hey Mark, this is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy's better looking sister.
- Beth: Nice to meet you.
- Mark: Nice to meet you. You guys are together?
- Ron: Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here, turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It's like a fairy tale.
- Beth: Tammy stinks.
- [Mark goes up to Tom]
- Tom: Brendanawicz!
- Mark: Hey Tom.
- Tom: Hey, I want you to meet my wife.
- Wendy: Hi, I'm Wendy Haverford.
- Mark: [shocked because Wendy is attractive] Hi. You're...Tom's wife?
- Wendy: Don't hold it against me.
- Tom: Look at how hot she is! Isn't that crazy? And she's a surgeon! She makes a ton of money! BAM!
- [Mark goes up to April]
- April: This is Derek.
- Mark: Cool. How long you guys been dating?
- April: We're just friends. He's like the gayest person I've ever met, but I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes.
- Mark: If you don't want to talk to me, you can just say so.
- April: I don't want to talk to you.
Pawnee Zoo [2.1]Edit
- Leslie: Do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement?
- Tom: Yes. The statement was that you're very lonely and you need a pet.
- April: This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben.
- Ben: Hey.
- Leslie: Hey...oh...wait, sorry. What's the situation?
- April: What do you mean?
- Leslie: How does this work?
- April: Derek is gay but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben.
- Derek: It's not that complicated.
The Stakeout [2.2]Edit
- Ann: When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.
- Dave: I like Ms. Knope. I liked her. I got to say when I first met her I didn't care much for her because like 99% of the people on any given day of my life she was very belligerent and disagreeable. Ms. Knope was attractive to me. As a man, I was attracted to her in her demeanor. I was attracted to her in a sexual manner that was appropriate. ...I don't want to talk about this anymore.
- [Ron has a hernia and is waiting for April to return with a car and bring him to the hospital. April enters.]
- April: Yo. I had to wait 'til my dad fell asleep so I could steal his keys. You ready?
- Ron: I was born ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson.
Beauty Pageant [2.3]Edit
- Tom: I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?
- Leslie: You know, in the 1880's, there were a few years that were pretty rough and tumble in Pawnee. This depicts kind of a famous fight between Reverend Bradley and Annabeth Stevenson, a widowed mother of seven. The original title of this was "A Lively Fisting." But y'know, they had to change it for...obvious reasons.
Practice Date [2.4]Edit
- Leslie: I was uh, dropping my niece off.
- Ann: What's your niece's name?
- Leslie: Torple. What?! I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a niece... my niece's name is Stephanie?
- Jerry: Hey, Mark, um, a little birdie told me that you have one unpaid parking ticket.
- Mark: That's funny, because a little birdie told me that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.
- Donna: Oh snap!
- Jerry: What?
- Mark: You didn't know that, huh?
- Jerry: ...I didn't know I was adopted...
- Leslie: What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of Tic-Tacs I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?
- Ann: Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won't happen.
- Leslie: They have happened. All of these have happened to me.
- [cut to Leslie being interviewed]
- Leslie: Uh, no, there's more. One time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.
Greg Pikitis [2.7]Edit
- April: I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.
- Greg: Are you crying?
- Andy: I AM NOT CRYING, OK? I'M ALLERGIC TO JERKS!
- Leslie: Check this out. These are all the possible routes from Greg Pikitis' house to the statue.
- Ann: That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer.
- Leslie: In a way, that's a compliment. It shows dedication.
Ron and Tammy [2.8]Edit
- Tom: I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.
- Ron: We didn't talk. We made love.
- Leslie: Oh my. Mm. Good. Oh well, spare me the details. I'm just happy—
- Ron: It was so intense, I didn't know where my flesh stopped and hers began. You know what I mean?
- Leslie: Yeah...
- Ron: Our marriage was always a complete disaster, but we did have... that. The two of us. It's like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours.
- Leslie: This seems like a private matter, but I'm—
- Ron: That woman really knows her way around a penis.
The Camel [2.9]Edit
- Jerry: For my murinal, I was inspired by the death of my grandma—
- Tom: You said "murinal!"
- [Everyone laughs]
- Jerry: No, I didn't.
- Ann: Yes, you did. You said "murinal." I heard it.
- Jerry: Anyway, she—
- April: Jerry, why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people can murinate all over it?
- Tom: Jerry, go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection.
- [Jerry takes down his mural and walks away defeated]
- Jerry: ...Just wanted to show you my art...
- Everyone: Murinal! Murinal! Murinal!
- Leslie: Disqualified!
- [cut to Jerry being interviewed]
- Jerry: It's Pointillism. And each dot is a photo of the citizen of the town—
- Tom: [from other room] No one cares! At all!
- Leslie: Yes, we are a team, but I am the team leader. So I made a bold decision: we're playing it safe.
Hunting Trip [2.10]Edit
- Tom: On a scale from one to Chris Brown, how pissed off is he?
- Leslie: I think this is gonna be a really good bonding experience with Ron. Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love.
(After Leslie falsely confesses to shooting Ron on the head, the Parks Ranger thinks it all has to do with her being a woman)
- Park Ranger: So, what happened? I mean, did you forget to check the entire field? I find a lot of women have problems with tunnel vision.
- Leslie: No, I'm an excellent hunter.
- Park Ranger: How did you end up shooting a guy in the head, then?
- Leslie: Fair enough. I was walking in the woods and then I tripped and my gun went off.
- Park Ranger: Ah, so you forgot to put the safety on.
- Leslie: Oh, I always have the safety on, I mean... While I was tripping I saw a quail and I shot at it.
- Park Ranger: In mid-trip?
- Leslie: No. That's. Okay, fine. I got that tunnel vision that girls get. That's what happened, end of story.
- Park Ranger: Well, I think you're hysterical because of all the excitement, obviously. So, I'm just not following your story. All right?
- Leslie: [jumpcuts between statements] Um, I let my emotions get the best of me.
- I just, I cared too much, I guess.
- I was thinking with my lady-parts.
- I was walking and I felt something icky.
- I thought there was gonna be chocolate.
- I don't even remember.
- I'm wearing a new, um, bra and it closes in the front and it pop-open and it threw me off.
- All I wanna do is have babies!.
- Are you single?
- I'm just, like, going through a thing right now.
- I guess when my life is incomplete I wanna shoot someone.
- This would not happen if I had a penis!
- (While putting on lipstick) What?
- Bitches be crazy.
- I'm good at tolerating pain, I'm bad at math, and I'm stupid.
Tom's Divorce [2.11]Edit
- Jerry: There is a great dinosaur-themed restaurant in Patterson. It is called Jurassic Fork. I have gone there three times a week for the last 15 years.
- Ron: Now that you're getting divorced, I sort of feel like there may be some potential with me and Wendy. Would it be okay with you if I asked her out once the fake dust settles?
- Tom: Yeah. Why not? Sure.
- Ron: Looking at her, I feel like she might be the perfect spooning size for me. I'm gonna take a leak.
- Ron: This seems like none of our business.
- Leslie: Be supportive, OK? Don't be all like, "No. I don't want to. I am a guy and I like fire, and playing hockey and eating meat. No, no says I."
- April: That was a really good Ron.
- Leslie: Thank you.
Christmas Scandal [2.12]Edit
- Bill Dexhart: Well, based on that skit, I know you've heard about the new scandal that's about to break. Who told you? Was it the babysitter? Was it the nurse who delivered our love child?
- Leslie: What?
- Bill Dexhart: Stop playing dumb. You know damn well what happened. I got the babysitter pregnant. And when she was in the delivery room I had sex with not one, but four nurses in a supply closet...as well as a woman whose husband was getting a liver transplant. Hmm...Now which one of them told you? Was it the liver lady?
- Leslie: Wh...I...No one...I haven't...I haven't heard any of this. Ever. In my whole life.
- Bill Dexhart: Oh!
- Leslie: Believe me I would have remembered this.
- Bill Dexhart: Okay. Well, in that case, everything I just told you was just a funny prank.
- Ron: Got a call from some panicky morning joggers. Apparently sanitation didn't empty this dumpster, to the raccoons delight.
- April: I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal.
- Ron: Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7. We can't have raccoons for the Christmas thing. They'll hunt the kids for sport.
The Set Up [2.13]Edit
- Ann: What is your ideal man?
- Leslie: He has the brains of George Clooney in the body of Joe Biden.
- Tom: Ronald, I've done it. I've found your assistant and he's dope. His name is Jean-Ralphio. Jean-Ralphio!
- Jean-Ralphio: Big T! Mr. Swanson, two things: one, it is an absolute honor to meet you. Two, who is that hot intern chick out there? Because honestly, daaaaaaamn!
- Ron: Uh, take a seat.
- Jean-Ralphio: Right, here we go.
- Ron: So Jean-Ralphio...
- Jean-Ralphio: You got him right here. Leave a message after the beep.
- Ron: Why do I want you as my assistant?
- Jean-Ralphio: For starters, access to the illest clubs. And that's just for starters. I will work for you. I'll be on you 24/7. I'll be like your family. I'm here when you get here in the morning, sure enough, I'll be there tucking you into bed at night. Don't worry, it's not gay. Do we have questions?
- Tom: I think our only question is when can you start?
- Jean-Ralphio: Right now. Let's do it.
- Ron: Thank you for coming in. We will talk.
- Jean-Ralphio: Cool. I feel good about this. Hey, you know you can hit me up on Facebook anytime day or night, you know that right?
- Tom: Take care, buddy.
- Jean-Ralphio: Boom.
- Tom: So what do you think of your new assistant?
- Ron: I want to punch you in the face so bad right now.
- Applicant: Sorry what do I get out of this?
- Tom: Connections. Plus 19 grand a year. Minus 10% Headhunters fee.
- Applicant: I have to pay you two grand if I get hired?
- Tom: I have a job to offer. In the immortal words of Rob Blagojevich, "it's a [bleep] valuable thing. You don't just give it away for nothing."
Leslie's House [2.14]Edit
- Tom: Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.
- Ann: This newspaper's from November 1986.
- Leslie: The first rumblings of Iran contra. Don't throw that out.
- Ann: I think I need to call child services and have Leslie taken away from herself.
- Tom: Andy, I have a very interesting business proposal for you. I'm moving a lot of heavy stuff out of my place this weekend...
- Andy: [immediately] Can I help you move? I'm really good at it. Afterwards I take the cardboard from the boxes and I use it for breakdancing.
- April: I'll go, too.
- Tom: Really? 'Cause an hour ago you told me you'd rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents.
- April Shut up. I don't have anything else to do. Do you want help or not?
- Tom: Alright. See you guys later.
- Andy: I think that that's really, really sweet that your grandparents still make love.
- Ron: Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.
Galentine's Day [2.16]Edit
- Leslie: It's not just a job, gang. We're gonna learn a lot from these seniors. Some of them have been married for half a century. And, no offense, but everybody here is terrible at love. [points to Tom] Divorced, [points to April] dating a gay guy, [points to Ron] divorced twice, [points to Ann and Mark] jury's still out on you two, [points to Jerry] and Jerry, who knows.
- Jerry: I've been happily married for 28 years. You've met my wife Gayle many times.
- Leslie: Whatever.
- Wendy: Tommy, I just want you to know I'm so grateful for everything you did for me, but I only see us as friends.
- Tom: For now. But think how much better our friendship would be if we added...doin' it.
Woman of the Year [2.17]Edit
- Ron: Come on Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women.
- Leslie: You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games.
- Jean-Ralphio: What up, Big Teeeeeee...stop. This must be the lovely Donna. Enchanté. Listen beautiful, let's cut the bull, alright? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let's seal this devil's threeway right here, right now. Step one: We buy into this club. Step two: We roll over to the club, either in your Mercedes-Benz, which is gorgeous, or my pre-owned Acura Legend, which is alright. Step three: I dagger you on the dancefloor. Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin', bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. What do you say, sexy?
- Donna: I'm out.
- Tom: Why?!
- Donna: I hate that guy.
The Possum [2.18]Edit
- Andy: Let me explain something to you, Tweep. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Andy. Act."
- Tom: So you weren't thinking.
- Andy: Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.
- Evelyn: What do you mean that Fairway Frank is not here?
- Leslie: Here's the thing, Evelyn: We're not sure that the possum we caught is, in fact, Fairway Frank.
- Evelyn: Leslie, whoever it is, it's a possum. And the sooner it's dead, the sooner the mayor can do what he wants with it.
- Leslie: ...Does he want to have sex with a dead possum?
- Evelyn: No!
- Leslie: No.
- Evelyn: He's not a monster! He wants to stuff it and hang it above the urinal in his office bathroom so that little flecks of pee can get on it forever.
- Leslie: Ew.
Park Safety [2.19]Edit
- [Leslie, Tom, Jerry and Carl board a golf cart]
- Tom: This thing is a mess.
- Carl: WE USED TO HAVE THREE CARS ACTUALLY. THE FIRST ONE GOT PUSHED INTO THE CREEK BY SOME KIDS. THE SECOND ONE RACCOONS GOT ONTO. THERE WAS URINE EVERYWHERE. AND THE THIRD ONE WAS RECENTLY STOLEN.
- Tom: What’s this one?
- Carl: THIS IS THE SECOND ONE. THE RACCOON PISS ONE.
- Leslie: Why didn’t you just tell everybody the truth?
- Jerry: Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said.
- [cut to Leslie impersonating Tom]
- Leslie: Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What’d you do for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife?
Summer Catalog [2.20]Edit
- Leslie: Clarence Carrington, David Moser, Michael Tansley, Ron Swanson. Gathered together on a beautiful day in this beautiful park. I think we should just take a moment and appreciate how lucky we are.
- David: I thought you were dead, Clarence.
- Clarence: No, I'm going to outlive you and then I'm going to nail your wife.
- David: Screw you, you old coot.
- Michael: Classic David. You're worse than Ron.
- Ron: Shut your damn mouth, Tansley.
- Leslie: OK great, let's go!
- Andy: So if you had to sleep with one of the old guys, who'd it be?
- April: The super old one.
- Andy: Really?
- April: Mm-hm. I'm an eyebrow girl. I want to make out with him and chew his eyebrows off.
94 Meetings [2.21]Edit
- Ron: So basically we're completely swamped. All hands on deck.
- Ann: I don't even work in this building.
- Ron: Don't care. I need anyone with a pulse and a brain to pitch in.
- Jerry: [walking in] Ron, do you need help with anything?
- Ron: No, we're good, thanks. In fact, you can head home early.
- Woman: There's no way this ordinance goes through. There's too much red tape.
- April: Mm. This gridlock drives me nuts.
- Woman: Tell me about it.
- April: Yeah, I think you're gonna have to make an end run, y'know? Go right to the commissioner on this one.
- Woman: You know what? I haven't thought of that. That is a really great idea.
- April: Yeah?
- Woman: I'm gonna do that.
- April: OK. Your last resort is probably gonna be city council.
- Woman: Good luck there!
- April: My thoughts exactly!
- [Cut to April being interviewed]
- April: I have no idea what I was saying.
- Man: I had a meeting with Ron Swanson yesterday but I had a little car trouble.
- April: Sorry he's busy right now.
- [View of Ron carving a wooden swan in his office]
- Man: Uh...well can I reschedule?
- April: Sure. Hmm how about June 50th?
- Man: Sorry?
- April: Do you think you could come back today at 2:65? He's available then.
- Man: What is going on?
- April: Looks like the only other day he has open is Marchtember Oneteenth. Does that work sir?
- [The man hurriedly walks away. The phone rings and April hangs it up without answering it. Ron smiles and nods his approval]
- Leslie: Every year, Pawnee Cares teams up with the local cable access station to raise money for diabetes research. And it’s important because Pawnee is the fourth fattest town in the U.S. It goes us, Dallas, Tulsa and certain parts of the Mall of America.
- Ron: I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.
- Mark: I've been doing some thinking. I'm not gonna ask Ann to move in with me.
- Leslie: Why, is something wrong?
- Mark: No, I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
- Leslie: [gasps]
- Mark: I love her and I want a partner and....
- Leslie: [interrupting] Horseback! You should ask her on horseback. No, you should ask her in a hot air balloon...No, she should be on a hot air balloon and you should ride up on horseback. Oh wait...she's in a balloon, you ride up on horseback, you point to the sky - up there, skywriting, "Marry me Ann."
- Mark: I think I can figure out the right way to ask her.
- Leslie: How you ask someone to marry you is a very big deal. I mean, they have to repeat that story for the rest of their lives.
- Mark: So you think I should do it though?
- Leslie: Yeah yeah yeah yeah definitely. Can you get five eagles? No, get ten eagles.
- Mark: Leslie...
- Leslie: No, you're right, it's your life, get as many eagles as you want.
The Master Plan [2.23]Edit
- Chris: I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, supplements, positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.
- Jean-Ralphio: One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.
Freddy Spaghetti [2.24]Edit
- Mark: Recently I had been thinking about maybe leaving this job but I felt like I needed a sign. And then Ann broke up with me the week I was going to propose, the government got shut down, and yesterday one of those pigeons took a [bleep] on me. And I was indoors. So...
- Ron: I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi.
- Chris: I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute. The scientists who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane.
Go Big or Go Home [3.1]Edit
- Ron: I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor. Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage. Poise. Property rights. Fish: for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
- Ann: So are you happy to be back at work?
- Leslie: Well, our budget has been slashed to zero. I tried to buy fertilizer the other day for the soccer field. Request denied. We literally can't buy [bleep].
The Flu [3.2]Edit
- Chris: Stop...POOPING.
- Ben: That was amazing. That was a flu-ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 NBA Finals. That was Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate and hitting a homer off of Dennis Eckersley. That was…that was Leslie Knope.
- Andy: Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have…network connectivity problems.
- Leslie: [flu-ridden] It's not that I don't trust Ben, it's that I don't have faith in Ben. Also, I'm starting to forget who Ben is.
- Chris: My body is like a microchip. A grain of sand could destroy it! [exasperated] My body is a microchip...
- Leslie: [delirious, to wall poster] Good evening everyone, I'm Leslie Monster and this is Nightline.
- Ron: You had me at "Meat Tornado."
Time Capsule [3.3]Edit
- Leslie: [reciting every town slogan Pawnee has ever had] "Pawnee: The Paris of America." "Pawnee: The Akron of Southwest Indiana." "Pawnee: Welcome German soldiers." After the Nazis took France, our mayor kind of panicked. "Pawnee: The Factory Fire Capital of America." "Pawnee: Welcome Vietnamese Soldiers." "Pawnee: Engage with Zorp." For a brief time in the 70's, our town was taken over by a cult. "Pawnee: Zorp is Dead. Long Live Zorp." "Pawnee: It's Safe To Be Here Now." "Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts." That was a lie, she sued, and so we had to change it. "Pawnee: Home of the World Famous Julia Roberts Lawsuit." "Pawnee: Welcome Taliban Soldiers." And finally, our current slogan, "Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity."
- Donna: Oh, I love any book about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies, sorcerers, beasties, or time-traveling romances. And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinny Legs Magee, I’ll tell you that much.
Ron and Tammy: Part Two [3.4]Edit
- Ron: My ex-wife, Tammy, likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing okay, and if I am, she tries to fuck everything up.
- [Ron and Leslie walk into Tammy Two's office to find her bending over.]
- Leslie: Whale tail! Whale tail! She's flashing a whale tail! Abort! Abort!
- Ron: Hello Tammy.
- Tammy Two: Oh hello Ron. I didn't see you come in. I was just checking myself for scoliosis.
- Ron: And?
- Tammy Two: Straight as an arrow. Just like somebody else I know. Jerky?
- [Tammy Two takes out a large piece of jerky and starts eating it seductively]
- Ron: Call off the dogs. You and I both know that in my entire adult life I have never checked a book out of the library.
- [Tammy Two starts sexually smacking herself in the face with the jerky]
- Leslie: Oh my God she's amazing...
- Ron: [Chuckles] I admit there was a time when that sort of behavior would've driven me wild. But I'm in a healthy relationship now Tammy.
- Tammy Two: A relationship!? With whom!?
- Ron: A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy.
- Tammy Two: Sounds like a real whore.
- Leslie: I know Tammy seems scary, but really she's just a manipulative, psychotic, library book pedaling, sex crazed she-demon.
- Donna: I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty kimono wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message: You used to be a man! You need to get your house in order! Look, I love you like a brother, but right now I hate you! Like my actual brother, Levandrious, who I hate!
- [Ron has left himself a video tape to watch in case he ever falls for Tammy Two again.]
- Ron: [on the tape] Hello, Ron. It's Ron. If you're watching this, it means that, once again, you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're probably thinking, "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together." But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices. One, get rid of Tammy. Or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely, you stupid fuck.
- [After Ron watches Tammy beat the crap out of Tom for telling the truth]
- Ron: Tammy! That's enough!
- Tammy Two: Hey Baby!
- Ron: You almost had me...again. But seeing you pick on this pathetic, defenseless little man...
- Tom: Hey!
- Ron: ..reminded me what kind of monster you are.
- Tammy Two: You're a joke. You're not even a man anymore. Oh, and by the way, last night I faked four out of the seven.
- Ron: [Chuckles] So did I. Let's go son.
- [Ron picks up Tom like a child and carries him out]
Media Blitz [3.5]Edit
- The Douche: Alright, switching gears here now, we got Leslie Knope and Tom Harverfart and Ben Wyatt, and they're in the hizzy to talk about an upcoming event called the Harvest Festival.
- Leslie: Well, The Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition, and it's where fun meets awesome...meets agriculture. And it is gonna be next month right here in Pawnee and - spoiler alert - it's gonna have the best corn maze ever.
- Crazy Ira: You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you Douche?
- The Douche: Oh, that's right - to your mom!
- [China Joe plays a sound effect of a woman moaning and going "Crazy Ira, clean your room!"]
- Leslie: There's also going to be hay rides.
- The Douche: "Hey, ride me!" is what Crazy Ira's mom said.
- [China Joe plays more moaning sounds]
- Tom: China Joe, you are a poet!
- April: [reading Andy's "Thank You" note for her grandfather] "Dear April's grandmother." I said grandfather.
- Andy: Oh, oops. OK.
- April: "You are a beautiful and amazing woman." Man. "I hope someday I can become half the woman you are." He's a man. "Thank you for the $500." It was five dollars. "Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD." He is deaf.
- Andy: OK, do you want me to make those changes or is it good?
- Leslie: One time when I was in high school, a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time where I was on a date, and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and the guy said he wasn't "feeling it," so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for a while, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me never to call him again. One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together. Skywriting isn't always positive. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine and flowers, and then when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything. Rebecca's coming." And then he broke up with me.
- Ann Who's Rebecca?
- Leslie: Exactly.
- Ron: Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have". Do you understand?
Harvest Festival [3.7]Edit
- Ken Hotate: There are two things I know about white people. They love Rachael Ray. And they are terrified of curses.
- April: Hey, I love you.
- Andy: Dude, shut up! That is awesomesauce!
- Jerry: [referring to Li'l Sebastian] If they've been missing this long, they're probably dead.
- Tom: Well, if he is, you'll be answering to the whole town. And God.
- Jerry: For the last time--
- April: Jerry, shut up. I can't hear myself not talking to Andy.
- Andy: Ron, can you tell me why April is mad at me?
- April: Ron, can you tell Andy--
- Ron: Andy, she's mad at you because you said 'awesomesauce' instead of 'I love you too.' April, he loves you, stop being a child. Tom, everyone knows you're at fault; blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, I know for a fact that you were sucking down funnel cakes when you were supposed to be watching Li'l Sebastian. Now will everyone please apologize to everyone?
- Andy: [to April] I do love you, you know.
- April: You do?
- Andy: Yeah. That's what makes the sauce so awesome.
- Ron: I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.
- Leslie: I'm so desperate I even brought in my dream journal hoping it would inspire me.
- Ann: [reading an entry] "I married ALF and we're pretty happy." That sounds nice.
- Leslie: It was.
Andy and April's Fancy Party [3.9]Edit
- Chris: Hey gang!
- Leslie: Hey, what did you bring?
- Chris: I was in charge of the cake. To be fair, it's not a cake so much as it is a vegetable loaf. You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your spinach and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction.
- Ron: But did they ask you to bring a vegtable loaf or a cake?
- Chris: No, a cake, but this is so much healthier.
- Ron: So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake!
- Leslie: Take a walk, Ron.
- Andy: Attention, everybody! Madams and...mis...wahs? If you would do me the obligation of having your honor, heretofore, in the room doth right over there, uh, hence.
- Ron: What?
- Andy: Big event, in that room, fifteen minutes.
- Ron: Who's to say what works. You know, you find somebody you like and you roll the dice. It's all anybody can do.
- Tom: I gotta nail the speech, so I brought in an expert: Jean-Ralphio.
- Jean-Ralphio: Can I throw something on you, see if it feels good?
- Tom: Sure.
- Jean-Ralphio: OK, this is what I would do: I would start with a joke. Joke. Vince Vaughn quote, obviously.
- Tom: Swingers or Crashers?
- Jean-Ralphio: Fred Claus. Talk about Andy's ex-girlfriends, quote from Love Actually, hold back your tears, pause...drop the microphone, get out of that bitch.
- Natalie: [Wedding toast for April and Andy] My sister's really lame. But Andy's pretty cool. I guess I kinda see why he would marry her. Also, if anyone has seen my grey hoodie I lost it, thanks.
- [Walks off stage]
- Ron: The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you burn an ex-wife effigy.
- Chris: Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite food?
- Andy: Oh, I take Skittles and I put it between two Starbursts. Know what I call it?
- Chris: Skittle Sandwich?
- Andy: ...That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's Mouth Surprise. It's nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a similar flavor in the Skittles.
- Tom: 'Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a z. I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fri-fri chicky-chick. Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. Chicken cacciatore? Chicky catch. I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.
- Leslie: Let’s play a different game. I’m gonna say stuff about me and you say, on a scale from one to ten, how interested in that thing you are. Ready?
- Tom: Okay.
- Leslie: I love sunshine and fresh air and early morning walks.
- Tom: One.
- Leslie: I’ve read five biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt.
- Tom: One.
- Leslie: I work at the Parks and Rec...
- Tom: [Interrupting] One.
- Leslie: That’s what you do.
- Tom: One.
- Leslie: I once kissed a girl in college.
- Tom: [Smiling] Eight.
- Leslie: Where I graduated summa cum laude in History.
- Tom: One. Zero. Negative a billion. Don’t talk about it anymore, please.
- Ron: [presenting his cook-off entry] Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with nothing. Add ketchup if you want, I couldn't care less.
Jerry's Painting [3.11]Edit
- Ron: OK everyone, SHUT UP AND LOOK AT ME! Welcome to Visions of Nature. This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they are here now. I believe that after this is over they'll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.
- Tom: That's what you see when you close your eyes at night, Jerry: topless Leslie glued to a horse!
- Ben: Are you eating turkey chili off of a Frisbee?
- Leslie: Pornography is very difficult to define. In fact, it was Justice Stewart who once said, "I can't define pornography, but I know it when I see it."
- Perd Hapley: Brandi, how would you define pornography?
- Brandi Maxxxx: For me, it's when the penis goes in.
- Andy: Yes, we're gonna get a dish rack, and shower curtains, and a cutting board, but if you think for one second that I'm not also gonna get that marshmallow shooter so I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows when you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know.
- April: [deeply touched] You're going to make me cry.
- Leslie: Ron refuses to tell anyone when his birthday is; he's even had it redacted on all government documents. Three years of investigations, phone calls, Freedom of Information Act requests, and I still had nothing. Until, a well placed bribe to a gentleman at Baskin Robins revealed... Ron's birthday is on Friday!
- Ron: I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss. And I especially don't like people celebrating because they know a piece of private information about me. Plus the whole thing is a scam: birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.
- Leslie: The only thing I'm guilty of is loving Pawnee. And punching Lindsay in the face and shoving a coffee filter down her pants.
The Fight [3.13]Edit
- Ann: No offense, but maybe you think I'm going too fast 'cause you're going too slow with Ben!
- Leslie: No offense, but I'm going slow 'cause I might lose my job!
- Ann: No offense, but maybe that's a little bit of an excuse for not acting on your feelings!
- Leslie: No offense, but I don't remember you having a nursing degree in feelings!
- Ann: Offense! That's rude! I'm gonna go dance. Douche, you're up!
- The Douche: Mm-hm!
- Ben: Hey, are you OK? I heard yowling.
- Leslie: Yeah, I'm very angry and I'm really drunk. Do you wanna dance with me? Go get me another snork juice.
- Ben: Oh, that's maybe not the best idea for you.
- Leslie: Forget it! Jean-Ralphio!
- Jean-Ralphio: [immediately appears] Yes, I'm here!
- Leslie: Dance up on me!
- Jean-Ralphio: Yes, yes, yes!
- Donna: This "Snake Juice" is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted.
- [cuts to a drunk and crying Leslie]
- Leslie: She didn't even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!
- [cuts to a drunk Tom]
- Tom: I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's in there.
- [cuts to a drunk Ann]
- Ann: I'm gonna tell you...That...That bitch over there...I'm...I'm gonna tell..I don't have to...I don't have to brag.
- [cuts to a drunk and giggling Ben]
- Ben: Baba booey.
- [cuts to a drunk Andy]
- Andy: Turn this music down. [singing] Farts and boobs and love and stuff... macaroni salad...
- [cuts to a drunk April]
- April: [rapidly speaks Spanish]
- [cuts to a drunk and laughing Jerry who starts coughing then drinks more Snake Juice]
- [cuts to a drunk Ron, who is wearing April's hat and dancing frantically]
- Chris: There's got to be something we can do. [shouts into the next room] Ben, is there something we can do?!
- Chris: Damn it, Ben's not here...
- Andy: You've gotta try role play like me and April.
- Ben: ...that explains the costume.
- Andy: Yeah, like you're her boss and you can't sleep together because sex is forbidden.
- Ben: ... That is our actual situation.
- Ron: Hello, my name is Ron Swanson. Normally I try never to speak with people, but I've been drinking this Snake Juice thing, and it's damn good. You should buy it.
- Bar Patron: Yeah okay, thanks man.
- Ron: Son, you should know that my suggestion is essentially a guarantee. [hands man glass of Snake Juice] Drink this. Now.
- Ben: Leslie, we have to go hire a new PR director for the health department.
- Leslie: Oh my god I'm so hungover. I've never been this hungover.
- Ben: I feel great. I ran 5K this morning.
- Leslie: Really?
- Ben: No, I threw up in the shower.
[Ben and Leslie are interviewing people]
- Ben: Thank you, we'll let you know.
[Interviewee walks out]
- Ben: And then our heads will explode, and we will die... [sigh]
Road Trip [3.14]Edit
- Ron: It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on the taxpayers' teat until they have sore, chapped nipples. ...I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine year old.
- Leslie: I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The whiz palace, as I like to call it. And I'm not calling Ann, so...
- [after her and Ben's first kiss]
- Leslie: Uh-oh.
The Bubble [3.15]Edit
- Chris: Ron Swanson!
- Ron: Chris, you have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department.
- Chris: Now wait a minute...
- Ron: I mean that as a compliment. So it pains me to say this: my department has to go back to the way it was.
- Chris: Give them time. They'll adjust.
- Ron: No they won't. They're miserable. Tom only performs when there's someone to impress, so marooning him on freak island isn't helping anyone. And you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates? Everyone. And Jerry can only function if no one is looking. You shine a light on him and he shrinks up faster than an eskimo's scrotum.
- Chris: That's very perceptive, Ron. And very graphic.
- Andy: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life.
- Donna: This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy! I'm down to one word a minute. And the word is 'perfishisklep'.
Li'l Sebastian [3.16]Edit
- Leslie: How did you find out?
- Ron: We've worked together for a while now. I'd like to think I know you pretty well. Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night.
- [Ron holds up his phone]
- Leslie: [over phone] OK, OK, and this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss.
- Ben: [over phone] Whoa, Eleanor likes the tongue. Show me Pelosi again.
- Leslie: [over phone] OK, lay down...
- [Ron puts his phone away]
- Leslie: Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
- Ron: Unfortunately not.
- Ben: Ugh.
- Ron: This is a scandal waiting to happen. If you get caught which you CLEARLY will, Chris will fire you and I won't be able to stop him.
- Leslie: Ron, we're being very careful.
- [Ron holds up his phone]
- Leslie: [over phone] Oh President Reagan, my blazer popped open.
- Ben: [over phone impersonating Ronald Reagan] Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that. Our countries have had a very special relationship.
- Leslie: OK, yes...
- Leslie: [over phone] Oh no!
- Leslie: ...You've proven your point.
- Tammy Two: Guess I'll be heading home.
- Ron: Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole?
- Tammy Two: Actually I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville station.
- Donna: Red alert, Swanson! Your ex-wife's back!
- Ron: No kidding, Donna.
- Donna: Not her. The other ex-wife.
- Ron: ...Tammy One?
- Donna: She's in your office.
- [They all look at Ron's window and see a woman partially obscured by the blinds]
- Tammy Two: Oh Shit! [runs away in fear]
- Chris: What's the point of doing 10,000 pushups a week if you have no one to do them with. I'd much rather do 5,000 pushups with a lovely woman... sitting on my back to increase my resistance.
- Ron: I have cried twice in my life. Once, when I was 7 and was hit by a bus, and again when I learned that L'il Sebastian had passed.
- Ron: When I walked in this morning and saw the flag at half mast, I thought, 'Great. Another bureaucrat ate it.' But when I found out it was Li'l Sebastian, [sobs] Half-mast is too high. Show some damn respect!
I'm Leslie Knope [4.1]Edit
- [Ron bolts out of the office past Leslie, then turns back to her]
- Ron: Knope, follow me.
- Leslie: Just one second.
- Ron: NOW.
- [Ron grabs Leslie's chair and wheels it down the hallway]
- Leslie: Ron! Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron, what's going on?
- Ron: My ex-wife is back.
- [Ron grabs a footrest off the shoe shine stand]
- Leslie: Yeah, I saw her in the courtyard.
- Ron: No, my other ex-wife Tammy - Tammy One.
- [Leslie gasps]
- Ron: I have accrued 228 personal days. Starting now, I am using all of them. While I'm gone, you're in charge.
- [Ron plunges the footrest into the wall, steps up, removes an air grate and retrieves a large bag of survival equipment marked "Tammy One" from the duct]
- Ron: Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it, or it will begin to smell. Godspeed.
- [Ron runs down the hall at full speed, plowing into Jerry in the process.]
- Perd Hapley: There you have it, where it is the thing Leslie Knope just said about this situation.
- Dr. Harris: [about Jerry] That man has the largest penis I have ever seen. I actually don't even know if he has mumps; forgot to look. I was distracted by the largest penis I have ever seen.
Ron and Tammys [4.2]Edit
- Leslie: OK, you know what? Let's cut the crap. Is this audit even real?
- Tammy One: In a sense, yes, but in another, truer sense, no, it is not. I want Ronald back. But I had to learn about his finances to make sure my future was protected. I'm impressed. He's acquired quite a bit of gold...
- Leslie: You gold digger! You are literally a gold digger!
- Leslie: Basically we are being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla, we need Mothra. No offense.
- Tammy Two: None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? Who's this tall drink of water?
- Andy: Andy...
- Tammy Two: Hey Andy. How's it hanging?
- Leslie: Listen, we need to break Ron from her spell! Can't you just move your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat?
- Tammy Two: Well I could do all of those things, and have, but that bitch is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot.
- April: Eww!
- Andy: Can we take a peek at it?
- Tammy Two: Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher too. She can pinpoint your weaknesses and destroy you with just one word...and a jar of acid.
- Leslie Oh my God...
- Andy: I think I have an idea that can save Ron.
- Leslie: Andy, don't joke around.
- Andy: I have ideas too...
- Tammy Zero: It's time to settle this.
- Tammy One: Ah, an old fashioned prairie drink-off.
- [Tammy Zero opens a jug of alcohol]
- April: Ugh, what's in that jug? It smells like jet fuel!
- Ron: That's Swanson family mash liquor. Made from the finest corn ever grown on American soil. Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speed boats.
- Tammy Zero: If you win, he's all yours, and if I win, I bring him back to the farm for good.
- Leslie: Wait, what? That wasn't the deal!
- Tammy One: Pour it. I'm thirsty.
- Leslie: Pour me one too, then. Let me in here! I'm gonna join you and if I win, Ron stays here with us.
- Ron: Leslie, no, don't drink that. We use it to burn warts off of the mules!
- [Leslie and the Tammys take a shot of the liquor]
- Leslie: ...POISON! UGH! I made a mistake! I made a mistake!
- [Leslie is clearly drunk while the Tammys are fine]
- Tammy Zero: [To Tammy One] Had enough?
- Tammy One: Of this watered down baby formula? Not even close!
- Leslie: Not ven cloves...Marvin clothes...Glenn Close...
- Ron: Leslie you don't have to do this.
- Leslie: Shhh go to bed Jimmy.
- [Leslie is very drunk on Swanson liquor]
- Leslie: Everybody pants now! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!
- Ron: She's had enough. Call it off.
- Tammy One: That's not how it works. She's out.
- April: Wait, I'm subbing in.
- Ron: April, no. That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail.
- April: Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican, I can handle it.
- [April takes a swig of the liquor]
- April: [spits out liquor in disgust] FUCK! OH MY GOD!
- Ron: Okay! This ends now!
- [Ron chugs the entire jug of liquor to everyone's amazement]
- Ron: Mom, you're going back to the farm. And you. [To Tammy One] You're going back to Hell.
- Tammy One: Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground safe. I stole half your gold.
- Ron: That's decoy gold! You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all.
- Tammy One: Yes I do. I knew you the minute you were born, I intend to be there the minute you die.
- [Tammy One Walks Out]
- Leslie: Ron...your family's weird...
Born and Raised [4.3]Edit
- Derry: Welcome to "Thoughts For Your Thoughts." I'm Derry Murbles, filling in for David Parker who took off for 8 months to study the migration patterns of our nation's squirrels. He has not been heard from since.
- Joan: Drink up, Tom. I'm gonna go powder my nose... amongst other things... if you know what I mean.
- Ben: Is she going to powder her vagina?
- Leslie: I wrote a book. "The First Historical Guide to Pawnee." I wrote it as a reference for myself, but then my campaign advisors said we should make it a big wide release. So we had people contribute, we added pictures, and we removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns and here it is!
- Tom: So Ben, tell us about Star Trek.
- Ben: Well, they're making a sequel. [pause] I assume with the same alternate storyline, but if they expect us to believe that the sexual tension is between Uhura and Spock and not Kirk, then, well let's just say the message boards are on fire.
- Joan: [drunkenly] You know what I wanna do? I wanna take you both home, bend you the [bleep] over and [bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep] at the same time.
Pawnee Rangers [4.4]Edit
- Donna: What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones?
- Ben: Nothing is wrong, just do your job. And they would never cancel Game of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts, they're telling human stories in a fantasy world.
- Donna: Relaxation lesson number one: acupuncture. It's great for your back and your rear. Needles in your face, pleasure in yo' base.
Meet N Greet [4.5]Edit
- Andy: Hey Ron, good to see ya! Weren't you a pirate last year?
- Ron: Yes. This is my Halloween costume.
- Leslie: Look, I don't like to throw around the word "butthead" often. If you call everyone a butthead, it kind of loses its impact. But I can say without hesitation that Tom is being a real dick.
End of the World [4.6]Edit
- Tom: Well, Entertainment 720 is dead. It's up in company heaven along with Pets.com, Blockbuster, and Ask Jeeves. My company is no better than a company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you.
- Ron: What religion am I? Well, I'm a practicing none of your [bleep] business.
The Treaty [4.7]Edit
- Leslie: I need a few more volunteers. Andy, will you be Iceland?
- Andy: The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2? Don't think so.
- Leslie: OK, how about Japan?
- Andy: The bad guys from Karate Kid 2? Even worse. How about Germany? They've never been the bad guys.
- Ben: It's a white flag, and you better start waving it now, Leslie!
- Leslie: The only thing I'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!
- Ben: ...Good Lord.
Smallest Park [4.8]Edit
- Ron: I value a good education, so I don't want to see Andy waste his time in college. Of all my co-workers, he's one of a small number whom I don't actively root against. Ah, there I go getting all sappy.
- Leslie: I'm just freaking out. The only thing we have left is work and now he doesn't want to work together anymore. What does that all mean?
- Ann: I think you know what it means.
- Leslie: Yeah. I should just drag out that tiny park project for as long as possible so Ben and I can keep working together.
- Ann: That's almost exactly the opposite of what I meant.
- Leslie: No, what I'll do is I'll get the neighborhood all riled up and then maybe they'll ask for an environmental impact report, and then Ben and I will work together for at least another year. Good idea, Ann.
- Ann: Leslie, for God's sakes...
- Leslie: No, Ann, please I beg of you, will you just shut your beautiful pie hole? Just sit there and let me stare are at you while you silently support me on this gameplan.
- Ann: Leslie...
- Leslie: [hugging Ann] Shh Ann...
- Ann: Leslie...
- Leslie:Your quiet support means the world to me, as does your tacit endorsement of all my behaviors.
The Trial of Leslie Knope [4.9]Edit
- Leslie: Tom, will you please tell the committee why we were kissing?
- Tom: An online dating site randomly paired us up, so as a joke I thought it would be funny to pretend you and I were dating. And then you kissed me as a joke to shut me up.
- Leslie: But we never had any other romantic contact after that?
- Tom: No, that would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt.
- Chris: Ms. Swanson, do you - as you claimed - have evidence that links Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law-breaking?
- Tammy Two: Absolutely. I have several photographs that will definitively prove...
- Chris: May I remind you that you are under oath and if you lie I will fire you and have you prosecuted.
- Tammy Two: Nothing! They will definitively prove nothing. Oh, you cut me off. I don't have any evidence! Oh Chris, so silly. OK bye, guys! Leslie, have fun with this trial. Yay!
Citizen Knope [4.10]Edit
- Ann : Your campaign advisors quit. Big deal. You're running for city council again, Leslie. With our help.
- April: April Ludgate. Youth Outreach and Director of New Media.
- Tom: Tom Haverford. Image Consultant, Swagger Coach.
- Ann: Ann Perkins. Office Manager and Volunteer Coordinator.
- Andy: Andy Dwyer. Security, Sweets, Body Man, Javelin, if need be.
- Donna: Donna Meagle. Transpo', AKA rides in my Benz.
- Jerry: Wh...You guys didn't tell me we were doing this. I did not know I was supposed to come up with something. I...
- Ron: Ron Swanson. Any other damn thing you might need.
- Leslie: Guys, it's so much work. I can't ask you to put your lives on hold.
- Ron: Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on hold.
- Leslie: [choked up] I don't know what to say...except let's go win an election!
- Barney: Welcome, Mr. Saperstein.
- Jean-Ralphio: Thanks so much!
- Barney: I will just show you to your cubicle.
- Jean-Ralphio: I can't wait. I bet it's a big one, huh Barney?
- Barney: The temp agency said that you are fluent in QuickBooks Pro, correct?
- Jean-Ralphio: Oh right yeah, we should cover that. Y'see, my resume might not actually be accurate, right? So I have no idea what you're talking about. Don't know what QuickBooks are.
- Barney: You don't have any accounting experience?
- Jean-Ralphio: No, no, no, Barney, c'mon. But you don't have to be an accountant to know that this girl is a 10. Yo, what up, Diaz? Come here often?
- Nancy: To my job?
- Jean-Ralphio: Oh, sharp mouth on her also. Shut it.
- Nancy: Is this the new temp who's supposed to help me with the spreadsheets?
- Jean-Ralphio: You wanna talk about spreading the sheets, we can go back to my place and I will rock your—
- Barney: You're fired!
- Jean-Ralphio: That makes sense. So I just go out the same way I came in?
The Comeback Kid [4.11]Edit
- Leslie: Ann, you beautiful tropical fish.
- Leslie: It's true. I no longer have highly trained, professional campaign managers. So what? Are most murders committed by highly trained, professional assassins? No, they're committed by friends and coworkers! ...That analogy was way better in my head.
Campaign Ad [4.12]Edit
- Leslie: He is attractive, and charming, and his family employs half the town. But so what? I am a lifelong government bureaucrat who's well versed in the issues. And those are the kind of sexy qualifications that win elections.
- Chris: Thank you, John, for coming in. The Public Works department is wonderful and you are the best idea man in the business.
- Ron: Also we're cancelling all of your ongoing projects.
- John: What? What about the Pawnee River dam?
- Ron: Dam's dead. Have a nice day.
- John: Where will all the water go?
- Ron: Wherever it's headed now. The important thing is the dam is never happening and your dream has been crushed.
- Chris: We're very sorry.
- Ron: I am not. Good meeting.
Bowling For Votes [4.13]Edit
- Jerry: Is everybody feeling good?
- April: Oh, I don't know Jerry. It's Sunday night, I'm making phone calls to strangers, and you're in my house. My life couldn't be worse.
- Ron: [on bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.
- Ron: When I eat, it's the food that's scared.
Operation Ann [4.14]Edit
- Andy: April hates Valentine's Day. And brunch, and outside, and smiling. [laughs] She's weird.
- Tom: Hey, Kris Kross, can we change up the music? It kinda sounds like the end of a movie about a monk who killed himself.
- Chris: It is.
- Ron: I'm sorry, I was talking to these ribs.
Dave Returns [4.15]Edit
- Trumple: Look Knope, I've always liked you, but the Newports run this town, and frankly they've donated a lot of money to the department.
- Ben: Mo' money, mo' problems, that's what I always say.
- Trumple: How about mo' money, mo' protective kevlar vests that save lives?
- Ben: I-I...sometimes I say that, too.
- Leslie: I understand you need to think about it, but if you were gonna make a decision...
- Trumple: The guys are throwing me a little retirement thing tonight at O'Flinigans. There's gonna be beer so why don't you swing by, I'll give you an answer. Weirdo can come, too.
- Ben: Alright.
- Leslie: Let's go.
- Ben: Oh hey, uh, may I say...
- Leslie: Don't.
- Ben: ...that the boys in blue...
- Leslie: Stop.
- Ben: ...are heroes. Obviously some more than others. Oh boy, here it comes........9/11.
- Leslie: And we're walking.
- Ben: OK.
- Dave: Uh, yes, uh, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was, uh, involved. We had [clears throat] romantic...romantical involvement until I relocated to San Diego. Which is a...that's, uh, in California, which is southwest of here by a number of miles, so, uh, we terminated our involvement at that time.
Sweet Sixteen [4.16]Edit
- Donna: We're not big on hospitality. The Meagles are a cold people.
- Ron: Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
Campaign Shake-Up [4.17]Edit
- Leslie: "Not enough ramps" is the number three complaint among Pawnee seniors, right behind "Everything hurts" and "I'm dying."
- Ron: It reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands for my 6th birthday. I couldn't choose, so I slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious.
- Tom: It says "nympho" on the butt in silver sparkly letters. Nympho means you're addicted to sex, and since it's on the butt, there are other implications as well. So those are a maybe.
- April: Why are you here eating alone?
- Chris: I'm not. I'm surrounded by friends. Friends I don't know yet. And I'm engrossed in this book. It's the true story of a woman born with no arms and no legs who attempted to swim the English Channel.
- April: That's impossible.
- Chris: Oh, she drowned immediately. It's kind of a sad story.
Live Ammo [4.19]Edit
- Leslie: I've gotten to know the city councilmen pretty well because of my campaign. If you hear them talking about "that blonde pain in the ass", that's me.
- Ron: Now if you'll excuse me, there's a hot, spinning cone of meat in that Greek restaurant next door. I don't know what it is, but I'd like to eat the whole thing.
The Debate [4.20]Edit
- Chris: If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want it to be me.
- Donor: So you do a lot of investing?
- Andy: We dabble. I recently invested in some shirts at a garage sale. Left those at a Wendy's on the way home, so... [chuckles, lifts up wine glass and stares at it] The economy.
Bus Tour [4.21]Edit
- Tom: He's just playing hard ball. Let me tell you how it's going to go down: In a few minutes, we'll walk in there, we'll give him our demands, and then BAM, I start crying.
- Andy: From now on, we will be using code names. You can address me as Eagle One. Ann, code name: Been There, Done That. April is Currently Doing That. Donna is It Happened Once In A Dream. Chris, code name: If I Had To Pick A Dude. Ben is Eagle Two.
- Ben: Oh thank God.
Win, Lose, or Draw [4.22]Edit
- Tom: Last night at approximately 2:30am, I woke up from a dream that felt so real it had to be a premonition. Me, Drake, and the T-Mobile girl were playing baccarat on a private jet. Ann Perkins walks up to me and says "Tommy, tomorrow night, I'm taking you back". Then Blue Ivy Carter high-fived me and gave me $40 million dollars. It was all so real.
- Ben: Your victory speech, Councilwoman Knope.
- Leslie: Someday, when I'm more emotionally stable, I want to read the concession speech you wrote for me.
- Ben: I never wrote it.
- Leslie: City Council, bitches!
- Andy: You OK, boss?
- Leslie: No, not really. I know I should be focusing on this cleanup, but all I think about is Ben laughing in a helicopter with Hot Rebecca.
- Andy: Who's Hot Rebecca?
- Leslie: She's just this jealousy amalgam I created. [Andy stares confused] I combined all of the giant dark-haired smartphone power goddesses into one woman called Hot Rebecca.
- Andy: Oooh.
- Leslie: I mean Ben's life is filled with senators and briefings and Super PACs. I can't even get a meeting with some bureaucrat.
- Andy: [laughing] I don't even know what a bureaucrat is. Everything is gonna be fine with you and Ben because if I know Ben, he too is an amalgam.
- Leslie: No.
- Andy: Yeah. Point is you're better than Hot Rebecca. You're Kickass Leslie. Long distance relationships are never easy but you never ever give up on stuff.
- Leslie: Thanks.
- Andy: That's what makes you...
- Leslie: Nope.
- Andy: ...an amalgam. Nailed it.
- Ron: Your work is appreciated. Eat some corn.
- Leslie: Well, Paunch Burger just recently came out with a new 128 ounce option. Most people call it a gallon, but they call it the Regular. Then there is a horrifying 512 ounce version that they call Child Size. How is this a child size soda?
- Kathryn: Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year old child, if the child were liquified. It's a real bargain at $1.59.
- Andy: I'm never gonna be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber.
- April: Are you busy? And writing Star Trek fan fiction doesn't count.
- Ben: Ha. ...And I finished that last week.
- Leslie: The perm must wait, Autumn. THE...PERM...MUST...WAIT.
Sex Education [5.4]Edit
- Marshall Langman: Guurrl, you look like Annie Oakley and Pippi Longstocking had a baby and I LOVE it.
- Ben: (on phone with Leslie) I love you.
- Leslie: I love you too. What are you wearing?
- Ben: I can't do that right now.
Halloween Surprise [5.5]Edit
- Morris: I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert" on all those death canoe tweets. Also, not safe for work. You know, a lot of what you wrote was really profane.
- Donna: [on her phone] That movie's 25 years old, Morris. And if you don't like how I tweet, don't follow me.
- Morris: What are you doing now? I'm talking to you.
- Donna: I'm live tweeting this dumbass conversation.
- Ben: Marry me?
- Leslie: Oh, yeah!
Ben's Parents [5.6]Edit
- Ben: If there's anyone who can bring my parents together, its NO ONE. No one can bring my parents together.
- Leslie: I'm so happy I want to shout it from the rooftops!
- Ben: And she has. We've gotten several noise complaints/
- Leslie: We're getting married!!
- Ben: All right.
Leslie vs. April [5.7]Edit
- Andy: I can never tell if people are lying to me. I hope that doesn't come up in my police work
- Ben: Just call me Bond, Municipal Bond.
Pawnee Commons [5.8]Edit
- Ron: I started working on something very important. Can you help me?
- Chris: Yes sir.
- Ron: (To the camera) Its a flight of stairs leading nowhere.
- Ben: I don't know if you knew this, but Leslie was born in Eagleton.
- Leslie: Do not blame me for the sins of my mother!
[Two Eagletonians are presenting their offensive Pawnee park design to Leslie and Ben]
- Woman: We present the crown jewel of Pawnee containing the sights, sounds and most importantly, smells that define your city.
- Man: There are several drool buckets for your more slack-jawed citizens. We also have food troughs full of cheeseburgers and public showers with instructions for those who've never showered before.
- Leslie: You have five seconds to get out of here or I will rip your throats out.
- Ben: Out! Now!
- Woman: Oh hey, my backyard is bigger than your park so...
[Ben holds Leslie back from charging her]
Ron and Diane [5.9]Edit
- Andy: I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I throw up.
- Leslie: Merry Congratuchristmas!
- Ron: What?
[At the Woodworking Association Awards]
- Leslie: This could end up being the best night in Ron Swanson's life! I am so so happy for him.
[Tammy Two walks in]
- Tammy Two: Hello you gorgeous craftsman! Wow look at this room! There's so much wood ready to be worked.
- Leslie: ...Fuck me!
- Leslie: Alert! Alert ! Alert! Alert!
- Ron: She's here isn't she?
- Tammy Two: Oh hey Ron! What a coincidence! Gosh I never dreamed you'd be here!
- Ron: Tammy, this is Diane. Diane this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy who is also my ex-wife.
- Tammy Two: Twice ex-wife! We were married twice.
- Leslie: And divorced twice! Everything is done, they're totally done! Tammy! What are you doing here?
- Tammy Two: Oh I just have a little something I need to get drilled.
- Tammy Two: Oh my gosh what a coinkidinky! Look we're sitting at the same table!
- Leslie: Tammy, this table is reserved.
- Tammy Two: A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. That's my boob and my butt respectively. Remember that Ron?
- Diane: Subtle.
- Tom: It's cold outside and I can't wear mittens because they're not flattering to my hands!
- Chris: To Tom Haverford! Wooo!
- Tom: And to my wife Rihanna! We truly did find love in a hopeless place
- Ann: Anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped!
Women in Garbage [5.11]Edit
- Tom: I can't keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian's husband and his friends.
- April: You know what? I think men are better than women.
- Leslie: She's kidding
- April: No I'm not. they provide for us and we must obey them because they are our masters.
- Andy: You are officially a baller.
- Tom: I've been a baller since birth, son. Now, I'm an athlete.
- Ron: Jerry. I never thought I would say this, but I am so glad you're here.
- Ann: It's not that bad. Nobody got hurt.
- Ron: It's extremely bad! I love this woman, and I just wanna show her that I'm capable of watching her children without something horrible happening. [Ann's mouth is open] What?!
- Ann: Did you just say you love Diane?
- Ron: No. I did not.
- Ann: Yes, you did! That is so cute!
- Ron: For god's sake, Hanson, will you please focus on the larger problem?
Ann's Decision [5.12]Edit
- Leslie: Ann is giving up on love and deciding to have a baby with herself. And she has only been dating herself for six weeks. If she was dating a guy for six weeks, and they decided to have a kid, I'd be like, "Congratulations, Ann... and Channing Tatum." Because that is the only scenario that would make sense to me.
- Ron: There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats.
- Ben: [trying to pick a caterer for his wedding] Tom, what about you?
- Tom: Caterer number one's presentation was simple, mm, yet exhausting. Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy dutch woman guarding a dark secret.
- Ben: Nothing you're saying is helpful.
- Tom: But number three's told a story- a story from a book I wouldn't read but I would watch the movie of.
- Ben: That's nonsense.
- April: So tomorrow, I lead a public forum in Leslie's Fleetwood Mac sex pants.
- Andy: Fleetwood Mac sex pants. New band name. I call it. [snaps fingers] Ooh, you know what? Maybe just Fleetwood Mac.
- Tom: It smells like some vomit took a dump in here.
- Tom: [Ben, Ron, and Chris all have food poisoning] I didn't eat those stupid mini-calzones. Haver-Food rule number six- Never eat anything with a sauce I have to dip myself. Drizzle it on for me. I'm not your maid.
Emergency Response [5.13]Edit
- Leslie: Damnit, Jamm. I should have had animal control kill you.
- Animal Control: Huh.. Who do you want me to kill...I'll kill them.
- Donna: The tables showed up which is good, but there are no chairs which is bad.
- Ron: [fielding different questions] The next thing you'll want to do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless. Come to the Gala. Next caller.
- Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash.
- Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are ponzi schemes run by morons.
- Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely.
- Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country.
- I've seen three movies in my life: Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny. Next caller.
- Leslie: How did you get the word out?
- Ben: Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass.
- Ron: I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle. It's been a very rewarding day.
- Tom: Love? Love fades away. But things? Things are forever.
Leslie and Ben [5.14]Edit
- Donna: Did you just pee your pants?
- Jerry: Just a dab.
- Donna: You nasty Jerry.
- Chris: I hate to say this, but Ann Perkins has terrible taste in rings.
- Jerry: When I heard Ben was getting married, I was all, "to Leslie or to Game of Thrones."
- Tom: Nooooo... Jerry!
- Ben: [tying his bow-tie] Okay, did I- did I do it right? [the tie is crooked] How's it looks.
- Chris: Terrible. And perfect. I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight. And I have already broken that promise five times. But I will not... break it a sixth.
- Ben: Go ahead and let it out, buddy. It's okay.
- Chris: I have something for you.
- Ben: All right.
- Chris: It is the letter from the statehouse... telling us that we have been assigned to Pawnee. Dated May 1st, 2010.
- Ben: [quietly] No way.
- Chris: We were supposed to be here eight weeks. I'm so happy that those eight weeks turned into three years, and that you met Leslie, and that we both found a home.
- Ben: Damn it, you're transferring your crying thing over to me.
- Chris: It's okay, buddy, let it out. [they laugh]
- Ron: [to Leslie] Before we go inside, I'd like to say something. You are a wonderful person. [voice breaks] Your friendship means a lot to me. And you look very beautiful.
- Ron: People who buy things are suckers.
Correspondents' Lunch [5.15]Edit
- Leslie: Ah, who am I going to do? I just opened a can of whoop ass on myself!
- Ron: I wish this office was just walls.
- Ann: Before I write that letter, you have to spend a whole week doing everything I say.
- April: So what, I have to be your slave or something?
- Ann: No, you have to be my friend
- April: Ugh, that's so much worse.
- Chris: You're a smart successful young man with an adorable belly.
- Chris: Last year I won an organic gardening contest.
- Donna: Who were you competing against?
- Chris: My own taste buds.
- Ron: There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk
- Tom: May I say for the record that is a dope pocket square
- April: HIs nickname around the office is Softypants Mchuggable.
- April: We should sue Jamm's parents for spawning a human turd burger.
Animal Control [5.18]Edit
- Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?
- Ron: One.
- Ann: That's it? One drink?
- Ron: One shelf.
- Ann: Do you exercise?
- Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.
- Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family
- Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga.
- Ann: Allergies?
- Ron: Cowardice and weak willed man....and hazelnuts
- Ann: Sexual History?
- Ron: Epic and Private
- Tom: Pop quiz. Name the scent.
- Ben: Ummm Spasm. No, Butterface.
- Leslie: Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave.
- April: Hey, give him a chance. [to Orin] What makes you qualified for animal control?
- Orin: I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind.
- Leslie: Get out.
- Orin: I made you say that. [gets up and leaves]
- Chris: I liked him.
- Leslie: April, I got a present for you. [holding a basket full of lotion bottles]
- April: I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused like a railway worker.
- Leslie: I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud.
- April: [smiles] Really? Thanks.
Article Two [5.19]Edit
- Ron: Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done.
- Ann: Stop bidding on my waffle iron.
- Ben: You're futuremrstigerwoods?
- Ann: I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change it. The point is I'm getting that waffle iron for Leslie for Breakfast Day.
- Ben: Uh, no, you're not. I'm getting it for her for Waffle Day. Wait, you have a breakfast day too? Mine's in June.
- Ann: Please, Ben. This is the celebration of the anniversary of the first time we hung out at JJ's, which she considers the beginning of our friendship.
- Ben: Well, imagine being married to her. It's like being smothered with a hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories. I can't believe I'm complaining about how thoughtful my wife is. [loud to the room] Sorry, honey. I love you.
- Ann: Look, I have known her for longer, I have five years' worth of anniversaries, so I have seniority.
- Ben: Oh, god. Oh, no! We've lost the auction.
- Ann: What- no!
- Ben: Somebody swooped in at the last second, and now we're both screwed.
- Ann: No! Okay, Tyrion Lannister, why don't you just cast a spell and get us the waffle iron back?
- Ben: Oh, okay. I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. [pause] Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't. The Lannisters while very wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the warlocks of Qarth for example.
- Ann: This is why we don't hang out.
- Tom: One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what do to! I just moved.
- Ron: There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear and hunger.
- Ann: I keep getting outbid by someone call Tall Tyrion Lannister. What kind of name is that?
- Donna: Are you kidding me? Tyrion Lannister? Lord of Casterly Rock? The half man? You don't watch Game of Thrones?
- Ann: No, do you?
- Donna: Hell, yeah! Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it! Everyone on that show can get it!
- April: My spirit blood is on your hands.
Jerry's Scrapbook [5.20]Edit
- Tom: Ron, ask me if I am sad.
- Ron: No
- Donna: Andy will never be the new Jerry. Nothing embarrasses him. He is like a giant puppy with no shame.
- Tom: I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.
London (Part 1) [6.1]Edit
- Andy: Look, Hogwarts.
- Ben: No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know that, don't you? It's important to me that you know that.
- Ron: History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.
London (Part 2) [6.2]Edit
- Ron: I'd invite you for a drink, but where would we find one here?
- Leslie: Are you kidding? This is London. There's a pub over there, there's a pub over there, and there's a pub between those two butcher shops.
- Ron: Let's go to that one, but we'll be stopping by those two butcher shops first.
- Ron: I thought you needed some air, even if that air is fouled by the stench of European socialism.
- Tom: Your son, he's my best friend, he's like a brother to me, but he's a disaster. And your daughter, she needs to be put in a mental institution. On an island. In space.
The Pawnee-Eagleton Tip Off Classic [6.3]Edit
- Ben: Hey, you wanted to see me?
- Chris: I did. [tosses something towards him] Think fast!
- Ben: Oh my god! [catches it] Hey, Dr. Buttons!...I mean, my old calculator. It doesn't have a name.
Gin It Up! [6.5]Edit
- Ron: That's your will? You need that many pages to say "Give my stuff to my wife"?
- Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
- Ron: It doesn't have to be. [pulls a piece of paper from wallet] I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
- Ben: [reading it] "Upon my death, all my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
- Ron: The man who kills me will know.
- Ben: Ok, you should really have a will that's more than one sentence long. You have a wife and kids now. I could introduce you to our lawyer.
- Ron: The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman and doctor. Pass.
- Ben: Ron, that document is nothing, it's not even notarized. You know, if you die and you don't have a real will, most of what you own will go to the government.
- Ron: [pause] Where is this lawyer you speak of?
Recall Vote [6.7]Edit
The Cones of Dunshire [6.9]Edit
Second Chunce [6.10]Edit
- Jennifer: Now you might win. You're smart, Ben is smart, you might win. But why would you want to?
- Leslie: Because it's my dream job.
- Jennifer: Then dream bigger. Look, you love this town. It’s being run by monsters and morons? Get a better job! Rise above their heads! Effect change at a higher level! Don't be the kid that graduates high school, then hangs out in the school parking lot. Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder, and confidently comes back and has sex with her hot old English teacher just for kicks.
- Leslie: Is that what you did?
- Jennifer: Yeah, Mr. Baker. Sex was pretty good, thanks to me. Look, Pawnee has done you a favor. You’ve outgrown them. You’ve got talent, you’ve got name recognition, which means that you have a bright, wide open future with a thousand options. State Senate. Federal jobs. Even Congress. All of these are doable for you. And you can trust me...because I don’t care enough about you to lie.
New Beginnings [6.11]Edit
Farmers Market [6.12]Edit
Ann and Chris [6.13]Edit
The Wall [6.15]Edit
New Slogan [6.16]Edit
Galentine's Day [6.17]Edit
Flu Season 2 [6.19]Edit
One in 8,000 [6.20]Edit
- [Leslie and Ben have just been told that Leslie will be giving birth to triplets, and that the two of them need to slow down and relax in preparation. Later, at their home, Ben is having a panic attack.]
- Ben: [to the camera] This is insane. Three kids?! I just multiplied all our future expenses by three, and you know what happened? The numbers got a lot higher. I think I heard the computer laugh at me. And Saperstein wants us to RELAX?!
- [Leslie enters]
- Leslie: Are you ready to go, my gentle dove?
- Ben: Oh, I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing. And I love you.
- [Leslie exits]
- Ben: [to the camera] We are so fucking screwed.
Moving Up (Part 1) [6.21]Edit
Moving Up (Part 2) [6.22]Edit
- Ben: You're ready?
- Leslie: Not at all. But that's never stopped us before.
Ron & Jammy [7.2]Edit
William Henry Harrison [7.3]Edit
Leslie & Ron [7.4]Edit
- [Ron and Leslie have been locked in their old office by their coworkers until they can become friends again. After hours of Leslie trying to figure out why Ron is mad at her, Ron has begun digging through boxes.]
- Leslie: Ron, what are you doing?
- Ron: I know I saw it. Aha!
- [Ron pulls a detonator out of a box.]
- Ron: Detonator...
- [He pulls out the claymore that sat on his desk for years before he left the Parks Department.]
- Ron: The partially defused claymore mine you gave me ten years ago...
- [He places a box in front of a locked door and begins sitting up the claymore in front of it.]
- Ron: I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door, so I can get out of here!
- Leslie: Ron, just...wait a second...
- Ron: No. I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the right as a citizen of the United States to blow a hole in that fucking door and walk out as a free man! It's in the Constitution!
- Leslie: There's no cursing in the Constitution. Look, before you do that...
- Ron: Too late! Here we go! FIRE IN THE HOLE!
- [Ron hits the detonator, and instead of exploding, the claymore releases confetti and balloons and begins playing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."]
- Leslie: Ooh!
- [She grins excitedly and turns to Ron, who looks terrified and confused.]
- Leslie: I gave you that as a gift on your fifth anniversary as Parks Director.
- Ron: [slowly, voice cracking] You told me...this was a genuine, partially defused claymore mine.
- Leslie: Well, it was! I bought the empty shell off of eBay, and then I filled it, you know, with balloons and confetti and such.
- Ron: You mean to tell me I have had a toy...on my desk for ten years?
- Leslie: You mean to tell me you thought you've had an actual land mine on your desk?
- Ron: You left. Then about a month later you took Terry with you.
- Leslie: Yeah, well, we needed a mindless factotum and he's the best there is.
- Ron Amen. [pause] Then you took April. I didn't want her to go as she had become one of my closest workplace acquaintances, but your offer was too good to pass up so I didn't try to stop her. Then Tom left to run his business, Donna left to run hers. One day, I looked up, just didn't recognize anyone. So I made a decision. An unthinkable decision.
- [flashback to Ron walking into Leslie's office]
- Leslie: Hey! Well, my my my, do my eyes deceive me? Is that Ron Swanson?
- Ron Hello, Leslie. Hello, April, Larry.
- Larry: Uh, it's Terry now.
- Ron: OK. As luck would have it-
- [Leslie is handed a report from a subordinate]
- Leslie: Just a second. Oh, did you talk to Randy about the vote? Tell the northeast that we need to put pressure on them or else we're gonna be waiting forever and I'm tired of waiting on them, OK? [Leslie turns back to Ron] Sorry, this is a crazy day. So what's up with you, you big lug?
- Ron: Nothing important. Just thought you might want to have lunch. Tomorrow?
- Leslie: I would love to! It's been too long! JJ's Diner, 12:30.
- Ron: Excellent. See ya then.
- Leslie: OK!
- April: So Randy says the House is voting tomorrow and they need us in Washington to prep.
- Leslie: Oh my God, really?
- April: Yep.
- Leslie: OK, get us the first flight out of here, grab the Missouri files, meet me at my car. [April hands Leslie her cell, with Ben on the line] Hey babe, I gotta go to Washington. Can you pick up the kids?
- [cuts back to 2017]
- Leslie: Aw, oh no, Ron. I stood you up for lunch.
- Ron: You did, yes. I waited for a while but it was pretty easy to figure out what had happened. Your life seemed pretty hectic.
- Leslie: Is that the rest of the story? That I stood you up? [Ron goes silent] You were going to ask me something. That's why you wanted to have lunch. Ron, you were going-?
- Ron: I was going to ask you for a job. In the federal government. Just saying it out loud feels dirty.
- Leslie: You missed your friends and you wanted to come up to the third floor and work with us again. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you. God, why didn't I see that? Ron, I'm so sorry. I should have been a better friend to you.
- Ron: Honestly, Leslie, it's fine. It was a punctuation mark on a sentence that had already been written. My time in government work was over. Sure, I love shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside...
- Leslie: Your metaphors are so beautiful.
- Ron: ...but it was time for me to leave. And I didn't feel like explaining why to you or anyone. Everything that happened after - the fight we had, not giving you a heads up when my company took on the Morningstar development, when I bulldozed the nurse's old house - I do regret that. I had a good run here, but after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left, I looked around this office, nothing was the same.
- Leslie: Yeah, well, there's a way to fix that.
- [Leslie and Ron spend the rest of the night getting drunk, cleaning the office, and rearranging it to look as it was during their time there]
- Ron: Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food?
- Leslie: People are idiots, Ron.
Save JJ's [7.6]Edit
- Leslie: Councilman Dexhart represents this district, and ten years ago when he was elected, he promised to clean it up. Instead, he just gave it a fancy new name: Beachview Terrace. A more accurate name for this place? Medical Waste Butt-Sweat Grove.
Donna & Joe [7.7]Edit
- Garry: Garry is my real name. Yes, after 30 years, my coworkers are finally going to call me by my real name. Oh, boy, I'm blessed.
Ms. Ludgate Dwyer Goes to Washington [7.8]Edit
The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show [7.10]Edit
Two Funerals [7.11]Edit
One Last Ride [7.12]Edit
- [Leslie, who has a longstanding hatred for libraries and librarians, has just had a library named after her.]
- Leslie: [muttering] A fucking library?
- [The series' last lines]
- Ben: You ready, babe?
- Leslie: Yes. I'm ready.